AN1: Thank you to my girls Packy, Kristen, and Meg for pre-reading. And to Mel who is the best beta anyone could have asked for! As usual, there was tinkering, so any remaining mistakes are my own.
Musical inspiration: Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys.
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week
AN2: As we near the end, I've been reflecting on how much these two have been through, and I almost scrapped this chapter and the next two, because of fear of people thinking it's filler, boring content. However, I always intended to show you guys a bit of their happy moments and their rebuild together (if you feel that's boring, that's okay! You can feel free to skip to the end, or skip these last chapters altogether). To quote my wonderful Packy: "They've been through so much. They deserve the good part of their story to be told too." So here it goes anyways, hope you enjoy!
CHAPTER 27. Tickets
~o~
NOW
~o~
Downtown, Seattle, Washington. Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013
Bella sits in the wide armchair, in the place where she's been coming every Tuesday for months, a place where she can air all the dark thoughts in her head, a place where she can be heard, and understood, without judgement. Or at least she would like to think so.
In front of her sits Dr. Zafrina, clinical psychologist and specialist on Childhood Emotional Neglect, a term she coined herself.
It was in this chair that Bella came to the realization that through her teenage years and adulthood, she was subconsciously, but constantly, on guard of being abandoned again. It was what had made her shield herself and avoid making strong connections with anybody, in an effort to protect herself from another eventual departure.
With Edward, it had been no different, and she had pushed him away when she really needed him the most.
It still took work on her part to constantly remind herself that, as unreasonable as it may be, Edward wasn't leaving her. Edward had no intention of leaving.
Everything she struggled with—all of her adulthood shortfalls—she had begun to work through together with Dr. Zafrina. They had come to the understanding that most of Bella's psychological struggles could be traced back to emotional neglect, resulting primarily from Renee abandoning her.
With Charlie being gone now too, Dr. Zafrina had increased the frequency of their appointments from bi-weekly to weekly, and Bella was glad. She wasn't sure how she managed to function without therapy before, and in all honesty, she probably didn't manage very well.
"So, Renee left me another voice message…" Bella says, looking at her hands.
"Any details this time?" Dr. Zafrina peers at Bella over her glasses while she clicks her pen over the clipboard on her lap.
"Nope. Just to please call her back."
"Any thoughts on what it might be about?"
Bella shrugs. "It's probably about Charlie." Bella rubs her wrist with her thumb. "She probably found out."
"How do you feel about the possibility of engaging with her?"
"I don't care." Bella huffs, leaning back on the chair. "Like I don't care for her. And I don't want to feel guilty for not caring for my own mother."
"Why do you think you'll feel guilty about that?" Dr. Zafrina scribbles in her notepad, her eyes shifting from her notes to Bella.
"Well, aren't we wired to love our mothers? Am I just wired the wrong way?"
"You're most certainly not wired the wrong way, Bella. Affection for one's mother requires the presence, and engagement, of said mother."
Bella shrugs again. "I just don't understand why she is calling now. She never cared about Charlie before. Why would she care now?"
"Maybe that's not what the call is about." Dr. Zafrina waves a hand at Bella, being annoyingly reasonable.
"She knows I have her contact information, at least I assume I do, if that's what's actually in that envelope. If I haven't contacted her by now, it's because I don't want to. I'm just really not sure what it is I'm supposed to do."
"What do you want to do?"
"Change my number?"
Dr. Zafrina laughs softly through her nose as the clock beeps, signaling the end of their hour.
"How about trying to open the envelope again? Maybe we could start there. See how you feel about calling her after that." Dr. Zafrina clicks her pen shut and places it over the clipboard, looking up at her.
"I don't know…" Bella gets up from the armchair, rubbing her hands on her thighs.
"Remember, Bella, you don't owe her a call, but maybe a call to her is exactly what you need." Dr. Zafrina makes her way around the chair and to her desk.
"I guess I could give it a try…"
"See you next Tuesday?" she asks from behind her desk, before sitting.
"You got it, Doc." Bella nods, reaching for her bag and heading to the door. As she descends in the elevator, she takes a deep breath, glad Edward offered to pick her up today. She doesn't feel like stressing over Renee's envelope, the one she received before her graduation, all the way through her commute back to the apartment.
Edward mentioned he had plans for a date, and she's excited to see him and let him take her mind off of things.
~o~
"Are you really not telling me where we're going?" Bella says as soon as she enters the car, shaking the rain off her knit hat with a shudder.
"Nope." Edward closes his fingers under Bella's chin, bringing her lips to his. "Hi."
"Hi…" She breathes out deeply against his lips. The tone of her voice is a sad one, which fills him with worry.
He cranks up the heat and points the vent her way. "You okay? How was it?" He tries to not sound too pushy. He knows how much therapy helps her, and he is glad it does, but it is usually something she keeps to herself, which he respects profoundly.
"It was fine… It's just… ugh…" She looks down at her hands.
"What is it?"
"I haven't told you this." She peeks up at him shyly. "But Renee has called me a couple of times in the past few weeks."
"Oh…" He is confused momentarily; Renee isn't a name that gets thrown around frequently. "What did she say?"
The thought of Bella's mother has him gripping the steering wheel tightly. He knows Bella has been working hard with her therapist to get over her past and the damage that her mother leaving caused her. And he isn't sure if the intention is for her to reach a place at some point where she could contemplate forgiving her mother, but either way, Renee reaching out might be stirring shit up in Bella, and he hates that he has not been there for her.
"She left messages, nothing specific. She wants me to call her."
A feeling of dread sets in Edward's stomach. Renee probably found out about Charlie. He looks out the windshield, in an effort to hide his anger from her.
He takes a deep breath while his fingers pressed on his chest, cursing the tension he still feels in there anytime he's angry, or nervous, or sad, or tired, or... It's been months since he quit smoking. Since that last time in Forks by their tree after Charlie died. He hasn't caved once. Then why does he still want a smoke so badly?
"Hey." Bella reaches for his arm. "I'm okay. I don't want to talk or think about her. I don't want it to ruin my mood, or yours, and I definitely don't want it to ruin our date. So, can we just go?"
"We don't have to go." He turns to look at her, composing his features. "We can do something else. Anything you want, Bella."
"No, I want to do whatever you planned. Can you just tell me what it is?"
"It's no big deal."
"Tell me. Please?"
He sighs, looking at her, still unable to deny her. "The Arctic Monkeys are playing tonight at the Key Arena."
"AND YOU HAVE TICKETS?!"
He chuckles at her enthusiasm, and just like that, he feels light again. "Yeah, I got them a few weeks ago," he lies. He had actually got them last minute before Thanksgiving. He had sensed she was feeling down and had assumed it was because of the upcoming holidays and Charlie not being around.
"Are you kidding right now?"
He shakes his head, pulling the two tickets from his jacket. He had to call in a few favors, and had paid way too much for them, but the extra shifts at the studio were totally worth it given the look of utter joy on her face as she inspected the tickets. "So, I take it you want to go?"
"YES! Of course, yes!" She cups his face in her hands. "Thank you..." She pecks kisses all over his face. "Thank you, thank you!"
Edward closes his fingers around hers, holding her hand over the gearshift, and pulls out of the parking spot and drives away. Bella grabs his iPod classic, which in spite of everyone teasing him for it, he still fondly carries around—it not only housed his massive collection of music but had also been Charlie's high school graduation present—and searches his music until she decides on a playlist. Edward laughs as she blasts Arctic Monkeys all the way there.
The first time they saw the Arctic Monkeys was roughly a year after starting college in Seattle. Edward had gotten tickets to see them at The ShowBox for her birthday in 2009. It was a small venue and absolutely packed, even back then when they were just starting out. He remembers being more concerned with keeping Bella from getting trampled on than enjoying the concert himself.
Four years later, the Arctic Monkeys had exponentially exploded, and the venue they are playing tonight matched their now massive fanbase. Edward is glad to actually have seats in the stands and not be in the middle of the pit like last time.
The way Bella is beaming, almost buzzing with excitement, fills Edward's chest with a feeling of fulfillment, for doing this for her, for taking her mind off of things. He finds his place behind her and locks his arms around her, where he plans to stay all night.
The first song the Arctic Monkeys play is "Do I Wanna Know," and Edward can't help but reminisce about the first time he heard it, having just left the Capitol Hill apartment, and Bella, behind him.
Leaving Bella that morning was the hardest thing Edward ever had to do. It was like tearing out a piece of himself and leaving it there. The farther he got, the more it hurt. He was glad they had found a way. He was glad she had stitched him back together.
Seldom times he related as much to a song as he did to this one, and admittedly, the whole AM record helped him through the darkest times of the three months he was apart from Bella. He had kept himself from looking for her, or reaching out to her, but in all honesty, he knew he was one drunken night away from crawling back to her and taking whatever she would give him.
Crawlin' back to you
Ever thought of callin' when
You've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too
Busy bein' yours
To fall for somebody new
Now, I've thought it through
Crawlin' back to you
He sings the lyrics in her ear as she sways in front of him to the rhythm of the song.
As the concert continues, Edward can't help but notice that the differences between then and now do not only apply to the size of the venue. There are a lot more girls this time around. Alex Turner has somehow gone from quirky, skinny guy in a hoodie, with an indie rock haircut, and a funny accent, to apparently sex symbol in a tight suit, gelled-back hair, and a few buttons missing on his shirt.
Edward scoffs, looking around himself, as all the girls move their hips, mirroring the front man, seemingly hypnotized by his movement. He wonders whether Turner's new looks are working on Bella too, as he could feel her hips move in front of himself.
"Wait, is that actually working for you?" he asks in her ear.
"Oh yeah, I want it so bad." She turns her head, peeking at him.
"Bella!"
"I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of it," she adds with a sexy grin.
"What?!" His voice breaks with an incredulous laugh, and with his hands around her hips, he turns Bella around to face him.
"I mean his custom Gibson Les Paul, you silly." She pushes on her tip toes and reaches for his lips. "Never thought you'd be threatened by Alex Turner's hip moves."
"Whatever…" He rolls his eyes, while Bella laughs and turns her attention back to the concert.
Apart from the deafening screams around him, Edward finds the concert quite enjoyable, and he is happy to see Matt Helders still kicks butt.
When they close with "505," just as they did four years ago, Edward wonders if Bella can feel his heart, and other parts of his body, throbbing against her back. When she turns around with a hooded look and attacks his mouth, he figures she probably does.
Bella looks so happy after the concert, it makes Edward's chest explode. If making her happy is an addiction, then he's going to die a junkie and nothing would please him more.
Her smile is bubbly and contagious, as she picks songs from his iPod to play on the drive, while his mind gets cloudy with thoughts of the future.
Ever since Bella dropped the bomb on him about selling Charlie's house at Thanksgiving, he hasn't stopped thinking about it. It's not that he's opposed to selling the house. It made sense if they didn't want to move back to Forks. But he couldn't bear the possibility that she would regret that decision later.
Starting their own business was a big fucking deal already, without adding her having to sell her childhood home to the mix. He has been killing himself at the studio, working on every single project he could get his hands on, double time, around the clock, since they came back from Forks. He wants to make the studio a reality, but with virtually no savings, he either needs to strike gold with a record deal, or sell his soul to the devil. Possibly both.
The demo they recorded of the songs he wrote is gold. Should be gold. Or at least Edward thinks so. But the people he has contacted about it have all passed on it. He has been picky with who he has reached out to—he's fucking proud of that demo—but maybe he needs to just get someone to sign them. Anyone. So that they can get started on the path, get an inflow of cash, and then start dreaming about making the studio a reality.
He couldn't reject Bella's idea of selling Charlie's house to use the funds for a studio without having an alternative, without giving her a chance to see other options. Tomorrow, finally, he will get that chance. A major record label is willing to meet with him after listening to the demo, and he is not going to give up without a fight.
With Bella's hand in his, Edward drives to her place. It's late and he's tired, anxious about what tomorrow will bring, but seeing Bella next to him, energetically playing air guitar to the song blasting form his radio makes it all worth it.
"You're such a dork, Swan," he tells her, shaking his head, and it just makes her play more emphatically. Her laugh resonates inside the car, when he starts banging his fists in the air over the steering wheel, air drumming to the beat of the song as well.
Whatever tomorrow brings, he knows that as long as they are together, they will be okay.
~o~
AN: Thank you for reading! See you Friday!