Trigger warning - alcoholism
Loving and fighting, accusing denying. I can't imagine a world with you gone. The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of; I'd be so lost if you left me alone. You lock yourself in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I break through. I pull you in to hear your heartbeat. Can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me". Hold on I still want you. Come back I still need you. Let me take your head, I'll make it right. I swear to love you all my life. Hold on I still need you
14th February 2021
The last week in the Emrys family house had been hard. It was the last week of Merlin working before half term, schools were supposed to go back after half term only now the earliest date at which they would return would be the eighth of March, causing anxiety and anguish for lots of people. Merlin was tense and slowly withdrawing himself from his alcohol, no longer having vodka every day and only three beers and some gin. While Morgana wasn't happy with it, it was still an improvement and she made sure to keep an eye on how much Merlin had stored and how much he had been drinking. She couldn't have been this bad with her drinking, could she? Though the stress of it all wanted to make her drink, she had to remain strong.
Not all was bad though. Alfie had his first solids on his half-birthday, sliced avocado. He wasn't sure what to do with it, mainly mushing it around and eating a tiny bit with the majority of it ending up on the floor though he seemed to like it. While with baby-led weaning you could give your baby whatever you ate, Morgana didn't want to overwhelm him with all the new texture, colours and flavours so decided that he would have only avocado for a few days before she introduced cooked carrot sticks, planning to introduce other more exotic foods after he was seven months. There was the slogan "food before one is just for fun" so Morgana didn't worry about establishing three full meals at this point, with him still relying on breast milk for almost all of his vitamins, nutrients and energy.
Merlin was adamant that he wanted this Valentine's Day to be special. The previous year had been a great one, with them going out for a meal together and finding out that Alfie was a boy. Then going into lockdown a month later and expecting it all to be over only for almost a whole year later to be in lockdown 3. Amhar had been begging for a toy pushchair and Alfie needed a new teething toy (it felt unhygienic to use Amhar's old ones so they threw them away) so they opted to get the children a mini gift too—a blue toy buggy for Amhar and a sophie la giraffe teether for Alfie that came with a cuddly one too. Alfie's teething hadn't yet begun though he was showing many symptoms of beginning to teethe, dribbling a lot and having a baby neckerchief on him almost constantly which both Merlin and Morgana loved as they looked absolutely adorable on him, and with him constantly chewing on his teething glove.
After abstaining for a little while when Merlin was drinking, by the time he had started his detox they had begun having sex again albeit on the sofa which was rather uncomfortable—making use of the six month lactation amenorrhea for slightly longer than they technically should have given that Morgana hadn't got her periods back and Alfie ate hardly any food. The night before Valentine's Day Merlin had managed to have complete detoxification so was allowed back in bed, him and Morgana having passionate sex ready for the day of love. They woke up in a post-coital bliss staring at one another until Alfie's hungry cries broke the silence along with Amhar whining about something or another as he tended to do often over the baby monitor. Merlin got out of bed and went to the en-suite, grabbing his toothbrush and beginning to brush his teeth while Morgana fed the baby.
He kept his grip on his toothbrush tight as he attempted to scrub away at his teeth, his hand shaking anyway and nausea burning the back of his throat despite the mint that could usually counteract it.
"Merlin!" Morgana called. "Is everything okay?".
"Where is it Morgana?" Merlin asked.
"Where is what?" Morgana frowned.
"My beer" Merlin rolled his eyes. "I need my beer".
Morgana went over to Merlin and took his hands in her. "Merlin, you don't need the beer".
"Yes, I do" Merlin snarled.
"This isn't healthy" Morgana continued. "Look, let's see what this drink-aware calculator says".
It came back as '50 units of alcohol per week'. "Come on Merlin! This isn't healthy, you could be putting yourself at risk".
"I'm not doing anything wrong" Merlin shrugged.
"Merlin you're drinking too much. Look, let's try the 'put a finger down alcoholic edition'".
"Okay, if it makes you happy I'll do it" Merlin shrugged. "How do I play?".
"You need to put ten fingers up, then put a finger down if one of the points apply to you. Put a finger down if you've said that you were going to only have one drink and then ended up having way more".
Merlin looked sheepish and put a finger down.
"Put a finger down if you said you wanted to have two drinks but ended up having way more. Put a finger down if you said you were going to stop drinking but found yourself doing it regardless. Put a finger down if you've been late for work or missed it because you were hungover or still drunk. Put a finger down if you've lied to those who you love about how much you've drunk".
A tear began to roll down Merlin's face as he put his fifth finger down. Morgana grabbed a tissue and gently wiped it away.
"Put a finger down if you said that you wanted to stop but finding yourself doing it again. Put a finger down if you've ever been arrested. Put a finger down if you've ever been to A&E cause you drank too much. Put a finger down if you want to get sober. Put a finger down if you know it's not too late because it's not, you can change your life".
Merlin had only two remaining fingers up. He'd done all of those things except being to hospital and being arrested. "Maybe I do have a bit of a problem" Merlin sighed exasperatedly and shrugged. "I dunno".
"Let's just see how the day goes" Morgana said and kissed her husband's forehead. "Well, today's a special day isn't it!". She rolled over to Alfie, he was babbling away chewing his hands and bringing his knees to his stomach, a clear sign that he was hungry. As soon as Morgana picked him up he began rooting and pulling at her top. "Okay little mite, I know you're hungry".
"Do you think I could feed him later?" Merlin asked.
"Solids or milk?" Morgana checked.
"Milk" Merlin replied.
"I don't see why not" Morgana shrugged. "As long as you don't drink. I love you". That was the type of compromise Merlin was able to make, and he agreed. He'd do anything for his wife to keep her happy, he loved her and never had stopped loving her, though for those two little boys and his wife he'd give them the world and more. If that meant giving up drinking then so be it. He had to try.
Merlin took Amhar into bed where they remained having family cuddles for a little while and then headed down for breakfast, though Merlin made Morgana stay upstairs to make the bed with the kids and brush her teeth. She had somewhat suspected the plan but still had her breath taken away when she entered the kitchen. On the table it was sprinkled with heart confetti, a bottle of shloer and a couple of gifts with a card. She awkwardly held Merlin's gift in a bag under her arm as she held onto Alfie while both kids looked around the kitchen in awe. The kitchen was covered in bunches of roses with barely enough room to walk except a pathway to the table, toilet, conservatory and amenities.
"Oh my god!" Morgana squealed as she put her hand over her mouth. "Thank you Merlin. I love you".
"I love you too" Merlin said as he kissed his wife. "Happy Valentine's Day".
"How many are there?" Morgana asked with a giggle.
"One thousand" Merlin said. "One for each year that I have loved you in this life and how long I will live you".
"You're so sweet" Morgana smiled as she went to her husband. "Happy Valentine's Day" she said as she passed him the bag.
"Thank you" Merlin said as he kissed Morgana. She'd gotten him some of his favourite chocolates and a penguin adoption that came with a cuddly toy. "Aww! Look at him".
"Glad you like him" Morgana grinned. "This for me?".
"It sure is" Merlin smiled and grabbed something out of the highchair and rolled something from under the table. "This is for Alfie and this is for Amhar".
"I got present!" Amhar beamed as he ripped the paper off it. "Yayyy! My toy pushchair".
"Let's see what Alfie got!" Morgana said in a baby voice as she opened it up—a little sophie la giraffe with a toy teether and a cuddly one. "Let's wash it then we can chew on it" she said as she chucked it into the steriliser and grabbed a baby bowl.
"Mummy you going to open your gifts" Merlin grinned.
"Of course" Morgana smiled as she opened it up—her favourite chocolate. "This is so sweet of you. Thank you Merlin".
"Thank me after you open your card" Merlin grinned.
"Likewise" Morgana grinned as they exchanged the cards. Merlin's to Morgana read 'Love is like a walk in the park. Jurassic park'. "I suppose you could describe our marriage as Jurassic park".
"Let's see what you said" Merlin smirked, Morgana's card to him read 'I love you because you are just like me and I am the best'. "You typical pendragon" Merlin jokingly rolled his eyes.
"I'm an Emrys now!" Morgana protested and gently punched his arm.
"I know, Mrs Emrys" Merlin smiled as he picked Amhar up. He grabbed his phone and connected it to the Bluetooth speaker beginning to play 'a thousand years' as he and Morgana slow-danced in the kitchen. They lasted a two whole minutes before Amhar was hungry so Merlin began to make him his breakfast while Morgana cut up half a banana into little pieces for Alfie. Now that he had solids and could sit better with support they'd put away the bouncer on top of the highchair and used it in baby mode as opposed to newborn. They also had to make the switch from carrycot to pushchair seat which resulted in a few arguments as it was much harder to do it on the mountain buggy than the video had shown, though they insisted on still keeping his pushchair seat parent facing as he was still little. They both refused to let him face out though luckily the bugaboo could remain parent facing, their double mountain buggy on the other hand had a carrycot plus which is a smaller seat for parent facing though as it was small he probably would outgrow it by the time he was one and they would no longer need a double buggy. After eating breakfast the whole family headed out for a walk, Alfie happily looking at his parents and around at what he could see as he was no longer as reclined with Amhar deterring between walking and sitting in the buggy. When it was beginning to approach twelve everybody had begun to get hungry and decided to go home which Amhar was not at all happy about, throwing a temper tantrum and wanting to sit on the floor and do nothing.
"Amhar, stand up" Merlin said.
"No" Amhar pouted as he kicked the floor. He was sat with his legs out in front of him with his arms crossed with the most adorable little scowl and pout on his face.
"Amhar Tom get up, now" Morgana said.
"I don't wanna go home" Amhar wailed as he kicked his legs.
"Right that's it, going home" Merlin said. He picked up the toddler who remained as rigid as a surfboard and he tried to make him bend slightly to strap him in.
"Noooooo" Amhar wailed and kicked. "Nooooooo".
"Right, going home" Morgana decided as she turned around the tank-like double buggy, smiling at Alfie as he happily giggled away. He was wrapped up tightly in a proper waterproof pram-suit now that he outgrew his newborn inlay and had lots of blankets over him alongside his foot-muff. "Is that funny sweetie?" Morgana cooed and gently rubbed his cheek.
"No! Not funny! No! No going home!" Amhar insisted as he continued to kick and shout. Merlin put him half over his shoulder holding onto his kicking legs as he bashed his back. Rather like Arthur had with Morgana at Castle Fyrien.
"Toddlers" Morgana muttered. Luckily Alfie was very much in the happy baby phase and excited at looking around at everything.
"Nooo" Amhar cried as Merlin walked away with him still over his shoulder. "Mean mummy. Bad daddy".
"Amhar, you need to behave" Merlin said. "You're going on the naughty step for a time out when we go home".
"I hate you!" Amhar shouted. That hurt. Merlin tried to look away from Amhar. He couldn't believe that he was about to start crying at this, this! He blinked hard and took a few deep breaths.
"Where did you learn that word?" Morgana asked with a frown. She stopped the pram and went behind Merlin to face Amhar. "That is not nice at all! Say sorry to your father".
"Sowwy" Amhar offered. Whenever Morgana either raised her voice or went deadly silent the two year old knew he was in for a punishment—either no chocolate for a long time, TV or a four minute time out. He somewhat relented and allowed Morgana to strap him in the buggy but remained as stiff as a board afterwards and insisted on no blankets as they walked home. He went on the naughty step as expected for four minutes with no chocolate all day, seeming to be rather pissed off with Merlin all day.
"I need it, Morgana!" Merlin said just after dinner. "Please! Please".
"Here, it's okay" Morgana said as she poured him a glass of water.
"I can't do this anymore" Merlin admitted. "Please, just let me do this".
"It's the last bottle we have" Morgana sighed as she put the bottle of Heineken down. "Okay? Then we're onto non-alcoholic".
Merlin nodded in agreement as he opened the bottle and began to drink. Amhar was still as stubborn as a mule for the rest of the day, Merlin remaining downstairs alone as Morgana took Alfie and put Amhar to bed. He finished the bottle but he still needed more. Morgana had forgotten to put the lock on the cupboard. He made his way over there and found two bottles of corona. He opened them and began to drink. He heard Morgana raising her voice at Amhar once more. He was having a tantrum once more.
Merlin made his way upstairs to Amhar and Alfie's room. Amhar was laying on the floor kicking off about something. Morgana looked shattered as stood over him with Alfie on her hip, the baby looking absolutely exhausted too.
"Right, that's enough" Merlin hissed and grabbed Amhar's arm. "Get up, get in bed and go to sleep. Stop whinging. NOW". Amhar looked rather scared and sat up, putting his pyjama top on.
"Daddy cuddle?" Amhar asked.
"No" Merlin roared. "Amhar, go to bed now! That's enough, I am sick of you behaving like this!". He saw a flash of panic wave over Morgana's eyes as Amhar's bottom lip stuck out and he began crying. Alfie had begun to cry too.
"Merlin, leave it" Morgana said. "Go to our room. I'll settle the kids and then come back soon".
Shit. What had he done? Merlin finished off his first bottle of corona and then went into the bathroom. He locked the door and then sat himself down with his beer, drinking it as quickly as he could. He'd fucked up.
It took Morgana a while but she eventually managed to calm Amhar down enough to get to sleep. The little boy was absolutely sobbing his heart out and Morgana ended up having to get into bed with him in order to calm him down enough to even consider sleeping. It was the same with Alfie, she ended up having to feed him for almost an hour in bed and then in the rocking chair singing to him simultaneously before he fell asleep, the sound of Ewan sheep lulling in the background.
Morgana was worried about her husband. She could tell that today had been a bad day for him and she couldn't disagree that she too needed a drink. She'd saved two bottles of corona, maybe for herself to have at some point as it was getting too much. Merlin had one of the bottles in his hand when he came up. Oh shit. Morgana grabbed the baby monitor and briskly made her way into the bedroom once she was sure that the children were fast asleep. She went straight in, no sign of Merlin.
"Merlin!" She called. "Are you okay? Come on love, open up".
"I ... I can't" Merlin said shakily. "Too ... weak".
"Okay, I'll be back in a moment". Morgana ran down the stairs, her heart in her throat. She went into her bag and found her purse, rifling through it trying to find a coin. She grabbed a five pence and headed up to twist the lock. Shit. Too small. "I won't be long love, I'm here" Morgana called out and went down the stairs once more. She felt dizzy and out of breath as she made her way down the stairs, briefly stopping to gather herself after seeing everything go blurry before she went back to rushing around. The two pence worked and Morgana opened the door, Merlin lying on the floor.
"Morgana" Merlin said weakly.
"It's okay Merlin, I'm here" Morgana said as she leant in and pulled him up. "Can you sit up?" with her help he leant against the wall and she pressed her forehead to his. "I'm here. It's okay".
"Morgana .." Merlin moaned. "I'm scared. I can't ... I can't stop shaking".
"It's okay, I've got you" Morgana said keeping her forehead on his. She tried to keep her own breathing steady. "I've got you". She took her two fingers and brought them to his neck, feeling for his pulse. It was there, sedate and slow though still there. "I've got you".
"My heart ... it's going so fast" Merlin muttered. Shit. That wasn't good, at all.
"It's okay Merlin" Morgana reassured him. "I'm going to do this online 111 thing to see if I need an ambulance, it's okay. I've got you". Morgana had to leave the room for a moment to get her phone and take the quiz, coming back rather fast as needing to call 999.
"Okay, Merlin I'm calling an ambulance" Morgana said as she made her way back into the bathroom. He lay on the floor with his eyes closed. "Shit! Merlin! Merlin don't leave me! Please". She leant in to feel his heartbeat and dialled 999.
Guest - Morgana started with her self harm after her mother disappeared of the face of the earth and sadly continued with it.