Hi people, Happy Easter, or Passover, or anything you're celebrating! Second Easter under lockdown here... I'm glad to be fortunate enough to have a large garden in which the Easter bunny has been able to hide the kids' chocolate stuff ;)

If I had known last Easter that we would be in the exact same situation one year later, I would have ordered Prozac instead of chocolate... (although chocolate is a pretty good antidepressant too...)

February 2021

Anna was sitting at her desk in the medical office, blankly staring at her computer's screen. She was supposed to be completing some patients' reports, but she found she couldn't focus at all. She didn't remember how she had made it through her morning round before. She felt she had been on autopilot all day. She had not slept at all the previous night past the moment she had woken up to the sound of John's struggling breath. At her call, Mary had rushed to her apartment, picked up the three of them (including a sleepy and bewildered Timmy), dropped Anna and John at the A&E and brought Timmy back to her house where he was to stay until things sorted themselves out. Anna and John had spent three hours in the Covid part of the A&E. Being part of the staff did have its advantages. She had been sitting next to the radiologist while John was put into the CT-scan, and she looked to the images with him. Her colleague concluded that about 30% of John's lungs showed signs of typical Covid-related lesions. It was serious, but not critical. When they were back from radiology, they had to wait another hour before the ER doctor sorted out where he could find a bed for John. His breathing had improved with 4L/min nasal oxygen, so he needed a bed in a conventional medical ward. Anna had been overly stressed at the thought that John would maybe have to be sent to another city if no bed could be found in this hospital, but in the end, the doctor brought the news that he had found a bed for him in the cardiology ward. His illness was not cardiac, but at that point in the pandemic, every ward had been partially or even completely converted into Covid ward. So John had been wheeled to cardiology and settled in a bed. His referring doctor would be Dr Richard Clarkson. Anna knew and trusted the older man. He had been one of her mentors when she had been a med student herself, and she knew he would take good care of John. By the time everything was sorted out, it was almost half past six in the morning, and it made no sense for Anna to go back home, only to come back to the hospital at eight to take her shift. John had fallen back asleep, exhausted by their sleepless night. So she grabbed a candy bar and a coffee from a vending machine, and went up to her office.

A few hours later, after having attended to all her patients, she found herself back there, her eyes closing of their own accord while she tried desperately to type something that made sense into the patients' records. When they had met in the nurses' room at the beginning of the shift, everyone had noticed her worried look and the dark patches under her eyes. Phyllis managed to make her tell that John had been admitted during the night and she had not slept. The Head nurse offered to search for a replacement for the day, but Anna declined. She had two days off next, she could go through that one day, she assured. But her brain and her heavy eyelids seemed to disagree in this early afternoon, as she was silently falling asleep in front of her computer. She startled when someone lightly knocked on the door. She shook her head and answered:

- Yes come in.

Sybil made her way inside, a sympathetic look on her face.

- Hey, Anna. I heard about John, Mary told me.

Anna rubbed her eyes and sighed.

- Yeah.

What more could she say…

- How is he?

- Not too bad right now, as far as I know. He's with Clarkson in cardio.

- Oh, good.

Sybil too had been taught by the older doctor, and knew of his value. There was a short silence between the two friends, until Anna suddenly broke down into harsh sobs.

- Oh Sybil… It's my fault, it's all my fault! He caught it here, bringing MY child in my place. I'll never forgive myself for that!

- Hush, Anna, stated Sybil, putting a soothing hand on Anna's shaking shoulder. You know what you told me when I was beating myself up over Mary? Well right back at you now. It won't do him any good.

- I'm so scared Sybil! I've never been that scared in my whole life. I can't lose him, I just can't. We've only just begun to be happy together.

Sybil opened her arms to her friend, and Anna hid her face in her shoulder, sobbing more and more. Sybil stroked her hair for a while, and said softly:

- He'll be alright. I'm sure he will.

Anna straightened and grabbed a tissue on her desk, using it to wipe her eyes, and then briefly put her mask down to blow her nose. When she had put the tissue in the bin, put her mask back on, and rubbed her hands with gel, she looked at Sybil:

- You know as well as I do that no one can be sure of that.

Sybil looked down and whispered:

- Yeah, of course, I know. I'm sorry, I just wanted to cheer you up.

- I know.

- At least, you can trust Clarkson. John will be well taken care of.

- Yes, there's that at least. I was so afraid they would tell us he had to be transferred away last night. I don't know how I would have handled that. At least now I can go see him whenever I have time.

- Good. Mary's keeping Timmy?

- Yes. I don't like being away from him, but I can't manage everything at the moment.

- OK. I hope everything will sort itself out soon. If you need anything, call me.

- Alright, thank you Sybs. Carry on, as they say in the Navy…

x x x x

Anna came back late at night to her dark and empty apartment. She had spent a little time with John after her shift, but, seeing her level of exhaustion, he had ordered her to go home and sleep. He was stabilized with his nasal oxygen, and didn't feel too bad, except for the boredom of being confined to bed. She promised to come back the next day, and reluctantly rode the bus home. When she went out of the shower, she felt she was not hungry, didn't feel like watching telly or read, so she went to bed. She hoped she was tired enough to fall asleep right away, but unfortunately anxiety seemed to overcome exhaustion, and she spent the next hour tossing and turning in her bed, sleep eluding her. At last, she sighed loudly, got up to the bathroom and rummaged into the drawers. Finally she found what she was looking for: the small bottle of oxazepam pills she had brought back from the hospital on the day of Jo Molesley's death. She had not touched it since that day, although the thought of it had been there on some particularly hard days. But John's presence usually had been a strong enough anxiolytic. Now fear and loneliness were her sole companions, so she took a pill, swallowed it with a gulp of water, and went back to bed. She had no need to wake up early the next morning. Half an hour later, she had fallen into an uneasy slumber.

x x x x

Her every senses were filled with him. The touch of his skin against hers, the taste of his lips on hers, his man scent mingling with his aftershave and the peppermints he liked, the sound of his breathing in her ear. She felt she was melting into him, as he was melting into her, becoming only one being, one soul, one love. Her heartbeat hastened when his lips left hers, to travel their way along her jaw, then down her neck, to her collarbone, finally settling on her nipple, sending a surge of longing through her whole body. At last he was inside her, and she felt the last missing piece of her puzzle had been put into place, and she was whole. Waves of pleasure travelled inside her until the final firework.

At the very instant it exploded in her lower belly, Anna jerked awake and found herself alone in her too large bed. Anguished tears spilt out on her cheeks, as she left out a shuddering breath. She forced herself to breathe in and out slowly several times, trying to bring peace back into her troubled mind and body. After a few minutes, she could only acknowledge that sleep was well and truly gone for the moment. She looked at her alarm clock. Half past four in the morning. She sighed. The oxazepam pill had only worked for so long. She sat on the edge of her bed, and reached for her phone. She went into Whatsapp and typed:

"Are you asleep?"

She knew John always put his phone on silent mode at night, so she wasn't afraid to rouse him if he truly was asleep. But if he wasn't, then they could be awake together. She didn't have to wait long for an answer:

"No. Damn those hospital alarms that keep beeping into the dead of night"

She smiled. She knew exactly what he was talking about. A hospital was hardly ever silent, even at night.

"How are you feeling?"

"Bored. And tired. I wish I could sleep right next to you."

His words made another smile creep on her lips.

"I wish I could too. I just had a very interesting dream, for that matter."

"Oh yes?"

"Yes. I was quite hot when I woke up. ^^"

"Really! Why, Ms Smith, you're making me curious…"

"Let's just say we were together in the bed, but not quite sleeping."

"Interesting indeed. Although I'm afraid in my current state this will remain a dream for a little time."

"Too bad. So, how could we make our shared insomnia more agreeable, if carnal pleasure is not an option?"

"Maybe you could play some music for me?"

"Oh, good idea."

She went to the living room, turned the piano on, and called John, putting the phone on loudspeaker. She tried a short melody, and asked:

- Are you hearing well enough? I don't want to play too loud, it's the middle of the night after all. Some people in the building might be sleeping…

- Wait, I'll put my earphones on, I should hear better.

She waited a moment until he had connected the earphones and put them in his ears.

- Go on, try again?

She played again, and he said:

-Yeah, alright, you can play.

- What would you like me to play?

- How about a little Moonlight Sonata?

She smiled again:

- Accurate for a middle-of-the-night gig. Alright, let's go.

She started playing, and both her playing and him listening on the other end of the line felt peace slowly filling them. When she was done, she went on with Bach's Air on the G string, and then Pachelbel's Canon. At the end of the third piece, she whispered:

- Did you like it love?

There was no answer, though she thought she could hear in the distance a soft snore and some hospital beeps. She smiled to herself, and murmured:

- Good night darling. See you tomorrow.

She remembered that time a few months back when John had soothed her to sleep playing the Moonlight Sonata, and felt she had finally given him his piece back. She ended the phone call and went back to sleep. Maybe things would be alright after all.

x x x x

Two nights later, John was once more awake in the middle of the night, but not for the same reasons. He was again searching for his air, and the night nurse was standing next to him, looking tense. Although she had raised his nasal oxygen flow several times already, his blood saturation still flirted with 90%, which wasn't satisfactory. Each breath he struggled to draw felt like a battle. After a moment's silence, the nurse said:

- I'm calling the on-call doctor.

A few minutes later, Sybil Branson appeared in John's room. She quickly assessed the situation, and ordered the nurse:

- Go get an Optiflow. Quick please.

Then she turned to John and explained:

- Alright John, your lungs are struggling, they need more oxygen. I'm going to put you on Optiflow, you'll feel better. That means I'll have to transfer you to an ICU bed.

He faintly nodded, and whispered:

- Anna…

- Yes, I know, I'll call Anna, when I'm finished with you, and when I know where you are going. I'll also order another CT-scan to see how your lungs look.

The nurse came back with the Optiflow device and a monitor.

- Start with 15L, said Sybil. I'll be in the nurse office, making some calls.

- Alright doctor, replied the nurse, busying herself around John.

Sybil started calling the different ICUs in the hospital. Anna's unit was full (for which Sybil was almost glad, because she didn't wish it on Anna to have to care for her own boyfriend), but it turned out that all the others were too. So she started calling the surrounding cities, as she had done so many times during the previous weeks. She finally found a place in Newcastle. She hated to have to deliver that news to her friend, but there was no other way.

Half an hour later, John had come back from the radiology unit and Sybil had talked to the radiologist. The Covid-related lesions had spread to 50% of the lungs. She went to John's room to explain the situation. Sybil's chest tightened when she saw the tears forming in John's eyes as she told him he would have to be sent away to Newcastle. Her voice wavered as she went on:

- I'm very sorry John, I hate it too, I feel so bad for you and Anna, but there's no ICU bed available here.

He quickly wiped his eyes and whispered:

- Thank you Sybil, I understand. Anna…

- Yes, I'll call her.

Sybil got out of the room and reached for her phone. She felt a little nauseous as she dialled Anna's number. It was not an easy thing to call people in the middle of the night to deliver bad news. It was much harder still when those people were close friends. Anna was asleep this time when her phone's tune woke her up. She groped blindly across her bedside table to reach for it, and her insides turned to ice when she saw the hospital's incoming number. She knew instantly something had to be wrong with John.

- Yes! she almost yelled into the phone.

- Anna… It's Sybil, sorry to wake you in the middle of the night.

- What's up Sybil, tell me please. This is about John right?

When Sybil had finished telling her everything, Anna stared blankly in the air in front of her, feeling completely numb. She felt her whole world was collapsing around her. Her heart hammered in her chest as the news slowly sunk into her brain. John had to be sent away to Newcastle, in an ICU where she didn't know any of the doctors, and where she wouldn't be able to visit him. She suddenly burst into tears. Her worst nightmare was happening. Had she not given enough already? One whole freaking year of her life had been dedicated to this god-damned pandemic, she had been separated from her son for weeks, not seen her foster parents for even longer. Would she have to be parted from the love of her life too? She suddenly straightened and wiped her face on her pyjama. She had to see him before he left with the ambulance. She got dressed in a hurry, and a few minutes later she was on her bike towards the hospital, putting all her desperation into riding as fast as possible.

(Sorry, don't hate me. I swear things are going to sort themselves out. Be patient.)