"Man. He sounds terrible." Church comments.
"Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp." Caboose says.
"Swamp? You guys were in a swamp?" Church questions.
"Yeah, we were, it sucked." Kaede says. "Everything was all sticky and filled with bugs."
"It was also dark. We weren't scared at all." Caboose adds.
"Is that why you guys came home so fast?" Church questions.
"No, we came home because the alien died. I don't know if we completed anything or not." Kaede answers.
"Also, the sword turned out to be a key." Caboose adds.
"Okay, but its a glowing key that can still stab people." Church reminds him.
"Right." Caboose agrees.
"So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations." Church explains.
"Or, its a key all the time and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death." Caboose suggests.
"God damn man, I would love to live in your world for like about ten minutes." Church says.
"Yeah, maybe when I become Nyu, I can actually remain conscious." Kaede suggests.
Caboose's Head Cannon
Caboose sat on a thrown, over looking the blue team. On his lap sat Nyu, being petted by the blue soldier.
"Mew!" Nyu exclaimed as she was getting petted. Church walks up to the two.
"Oh Caboose! The fatass fucking reds are invading the palace!" He exclaims. Right on cue, the reds enter.
"Arrrrr! Seize the place from them blues! Make them walk the plank!" Sarge exclaims as he leads the reds inside.
"Oh no! The reds are here and I'm to stupid to know what to do!" Tucker exclaims.
"Don't worry. I'll use my psychometric powers to defend us!" Kaede exclaims.
"Fuck off you hyperbolic buckets of liquid ass fuck!" Church exclaims as Nyu hisses at them.
"Stand down blue team." Caboose assures as he gently removes Nyu from his lap so he can stand. "I will deal with the reds myself."
"I'm scared." Grif cries out.
"Numberly speaking, we can beat him!" Simmons exclaims.
"Oh Caboose, how I love you!" Fem-Donut says.
"Arrr, you wish to duel with me crew yourself?" Sarge questions.
"I shall." Caboose says as he takes Tuckers sword and ignites it.
"Caboose! You can't fight all of them at once! Let me use my powers to help you." Kaede says.
"No Kaede, I can do this myself." Caboose assures. Caboose performs a 720 corkscrew at the reds before taking a battle position.
Reality
"On second thought, I might wanna rethink that." Kaede says.
Awhile later, Church had eventually come to the decision to invite Doc/O'mally to the base to help deduce what is wrong with Tucker.
"Andy this is Doc, Doc this is Andy. Uh Andy, doc is here to help Tucker. And he's also our worst enemy. You know, besides the Reds. And, Tex on, Certain days." Church introduces. He is currently with Andy, O'mally, and Kaede on the roof of the base, with Kaede glaring hateful daggers at O'mally.
"Well thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball... hello bowling ball." O'mally greets.
"Actually, I'm a bomb." Andy corrects.
"It can talk?" O'mally questions.
"Why is that the first thing everybody says to me?" Andy questions.
"If you are aware of world as much as you claim to be, you'd know talking bombs aren't normal." Kaede mutters.
"A talking bomb, you say... Hmm I could use a fellow like you in my organization." O'mally offers.
"Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you." Church brings up.
"I see... well this is certainly awkward." O'mally says.
"KABOOM!" Andy exclaims.
"Satans buyon!" O'mally exclaims as he ducks for cover.
"I was just kidding. I didn't really explode." Andy laughs.
"Yes, highly amusing." O'mally groans.
"If you do anything I deem out of line, its not Andy you'll have to worry about." Kaede says with a frown. "You better watch yourself, i'll rip you apart if you so much as consider hurting anyone here."
"Oh, I'm sure... haheh." O'mally gleefully mutters.
"Whats that supposed to mean!" Kaede yells at him.
"Kaede, you wanna dial that down a bit?" Church advises.
"Oh, its nothing. I'll just have the wet nurse check your friend now." O'mally says.
"Hey guys, I've figured out whats wrong." Doc says, coming out of the base towards Church, Kaede, and Caboose who are all huddled in the shade. Kaede is relived to hear the docs voice instead of O'mallys.
"What is it doc?" Church asks.
"You're not gonna like the diagnosis." Doc says.
"Hmmmmhmmmmhmhmmmm which is ironic, because I think its absolutely delightful, muhahaha." O'mally gleefully mutters. Kaede's worry for her friend is at an all time high from Docs news and O'mallys happiness at it.
"Just tell us Doc, we can take it." Church says, sounding unconcerned.
"Your friend is-" Doc starts.
"Dying? Oh no!" Caboose interrupts.
"Tell us Doc, is there anything we can do for him? Any treatment that can at least slow whatever's happening to him down or something?" Kaede says, fear for Tucker overriding her logic in that Doc didn't finish.
"He's not dying he has-" Doc continues.
"No chance to live. I knew it!" Caboose interrupts again.
"Is it contagious? If not we should spend his final moments with him." Kaede brings up.
"Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients." Church warns. "And Kaede, let him finish before you go off planing his funeral. You're smarter than this."
"Sorry." Kaede quickly amends.
"How do I say this, your friend is..." Doc begins.
"Why are you pausing, Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time?" Church asks.
"No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant." Doc answers.
"Oh good." Caboose says in relief. "Wait, what?"
"That... thats not possible." Kaede stutters.
"Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway." Church says.
"No its true, we found two heartbeats. So, unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think." Doc explains.
"How is that a sound explanation?! Maybe he does have two hearts, thats a real medical condition, right?" Kaede asks.
"I dunno. Don't think so." Doc shrugs.
"Alright, the three of you have some explaining to do." Church turns to said three.
"Haha, don't look at me, Tuckers not my type." Andy laughs.
"Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow uh incase someone, in the group, uuh may not know exactly how, that, happens." Caboose carefully explains.
"Come on, you guys educated me on that, why not Caboose?" Kaede questions.
"To be fair, we didn't educate Nyu either." Church says.
"Heh heh heh, could make a problem later, heh heh." Andy says.
"Why would that be a problem?" Caboose asks.
"Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker." Church says.
"What should Kaede do?" Caboose asks. Church looks at him. "Opps, sorry. I will be quiet." Church then moves towards the base.
"No: you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahahahhahaha, read the fine print, classic blunder." O'mally laughs.
"First of all, I am right. And we're gonna help him." Doc says.
"What?" Both Church and O'mally question.
"Look, no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!" Doc exclaims.
"Yeah, we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution." Church explains.
"Yeah! Or four years equivalent work experience." Andy adds.
"Come see for yourself." Doc sighs.
"Fine." Church responds.
"Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaaard this rock." Caboose says. "From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure thats how all this started."
"Ha. In a sense, you can say thats how it started." Kaede laughs.
"Alright, whats wrong? You seem nervous." Church states.
"What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy." Caboose explains.
"Don't worry, Caboose. I think you'll be safe." Kaede says trying to force down another bought of laughs.
"Hey, no one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when we're done with this... we gotta have a talk man. Theres a book I've got that we can read together, along with Nyu."
"I'd like that." Caboose states.
Church and Kaede follow Doc inside the base to where Tucker is lying.
"Well, he looks pregnant." Kaede notes upon seeing Tuckers huge belly.
"That doesn't prove anything. He probably caught a disease thats making him fat. That or all the food he ate had something to do with it." Church says.
"Well look, this Gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy." Doc says pointing the "gizmo" at Tucker and it does light up green.
"I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds." Church says.
"Yeah, also that." Doc says.
"I thought it just lit up green for everything." Kaede says.
"Yeah, so how can you tell Tuckers pregnant?" Church asks.
"Theres different levels of green to this thing." Doc says.
"That sounds like bullshit." Kaede voices.
"This green means the user is suffering some kind of heartsickness." Doc says pointing the gizmo at Kaede. "Maybe you're the father of Tuckers child?"
"I don't need me to tell you thats not how biology works." Kaede says, grumpily.
"And this green indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy." Doc says, pointing the device at Church.
"If that thing keeps talking bad about me I'm gonna fucking smash it." Church states.
"And this green means impotency. Opps, actually that green causes impotency." Doc explains.
"Oh, thats okay, I wasn't using it anyway." Church sighs.
"See, these tools can be confusing sometimes. Thats why Doctors have to go to school for so long." Doc explains "Not that I'm actually a Doctor mind you."
"And thats never been more apparent than with this diagnosis." Church says.
"Uogh, what diagnosis?" Tucker weakly asks.
"Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant." Kaede announces. "Can you FEEL if its a boy or girl or are you still not sure yet?"
"Its not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend." Tucker explains.
"Tucker, don't listen to him, he's a lunatic man, he's got no idea what he's talking about. And Kaede, STOP listening to him. Your better than this." Church advises.
"Hey, if the very little chance that he IS pregnant, I'm just preparing myself for the new little teammate we'll have." Kaede says.
"Kaede, that sounds adorable." Doc says. "And Church, do we need to go over the green light thing again?"
"Please don't." Kaede asks.