When the four scouts returned something had clearly changed despite bearing good news to share with the rest of them. Eijiro didn't stick around more than a moment, simply dropping his three passengers off and then taking back to the sky to, as Shoto informed them, find a dinner proportioned more to his size. Those who hadn't eaten seemed grateful for that given the amount of food that remained.
Captain Katsuki was even further on edge than before he'd left and snipped at everyone and everything while he gave his report of what they saw from the sky. It seemed that the road ahead was safe and the road behind clear. They would still need to approach Keosha's Keep with caution and tact, but the Captain didn't waste a moment in starting preparations for that with the Queen and Commander. It seemed that this band of vigilantes and adventure seekers were now a royal envoy and they needed to act like one.
The elves had returned by then and were back to their old selves with no mention of the earlier argument or even a hint that tensions had been high. But there was still tension all around going in different directions and between different people and Izuku couldn't shake that the elves had left him with a lot to think about. About Nana and what had happened to her, about the Moondancers and their hubris, but mostly about Ochako and Eijiro and what Mina had said about them. He couldn't help that it was all he thought about when he looked at her now. It had him so distracted he didn't even think to ask why she had such a wary stare on Kyouka now.
Once the details were worked out, assignments given, and meals had, Denki passed on Nana's request for Shoto to meet up with her and pointed him in the right direction. There was a distinct weariness in the young Mage's shoulders, but he went after his instructor eagerly; they must have had a lot of notes to compare after the battle at the Pass, notes Izuku wanted nothing to do with as long as it was discussing how better to utilize their Fallen Magic. The last few days had been rife with activity and nearly dying and so much more, but his determination remained that he would try to find a way for Shoto to be salvaged from his sins. His sleeves were long and gloves always on now, but Izuku could tell the corruption was spreading and darkening on him. And he seemed different too; he had always been a bit socially oblivious, but now he seemed distracted and burdened. He had to imagine it was because of their loss against the Fallen Mage they had met at the Pass. Each of their confidences had taken a serious hit and Izuku had been useless and delirious through most of it. He didn't even remember what happened after Shoto had taken his blood. From that moment on it had just been pain and darkness and Ochako's voice begging him not to fall asleep. They had all failed miserably and it was not just the two Blood Mages who were beating themselves up over it.
"You okay, Apprentice?" Ochako elbowed him lightly.
He waved her off, "Of course, what makes you say otherwise?"
The empty bowl in Ochako's hand was set down by the fire.
"You've got that thinking look on you again. It usually means you're thinking about something serious."
"So you know what's usual for me, now?" he lifted an eyebrow, but his heart warmed.
"Oh yes," she nodded emphatically, "You really aren't that hard to figure out, Apprentice. Your emotions are out on your sleeve for everyone to see at all times. I don't know how you survived the Synod like that."
"Synod Mages aren't just a bunch of heartless statues," Izuku crossed his arms, "Well, not everyone in the Synod anyway. And Master Shota told me it's actually what made me a prime candidate for the Center Magesterium. It's easier to trust someone who doesn't hide how they feel and there is a lot of trust necessary in the high ranks of the Synod."
Ochako lost her smug smile and physically started to close off without a word. Izuku's gut clenched, wondering what he had said wrong.
"You really still want that life?" she asked.
Izuku was speechless. Not because he didn't know what his answer was, but because she had asked at all. Izuku's silence was telling enough and Ochako nodded to herself, seemingly disappointed.
He looked around the little camp, to everyone in their own conversations; Captain Katsuki, Queen Momo, and Commander Tenya all pouring over a map, Denki and Mina crowding Kyouka and Fumikage, causing the Mage to shrink further behind his cloak, and Shoto and Nana off taking care of their side of the ugly business ahead. No one was listening to them, but this still felt like the wrong time and place to engage in an argument over whether the Synod was right or not. There had been more than enough heated conversations today as it was.
"Grab your staff," he ordered, "I want you prepared for the next fight."
Ochako continued to wallow in that annoyed look a moment longer and then sighed, grabbing her staff from her pile of belongings. Izuku did the same and with a brief shout to the rest that they were off to train and with some directions from Mina to a good spot to do it they went off into the woods. Izuku lit the way with a glowing spell of light and left the orb floating in the center of the area when they came upon the clearing Mina had told them about.
It was unkempt and the grass long and uneven, but it worked as a landscape for their practice. Izuku directed Ochako to stand across the clearing from him and nodded to her to start on what she had already learned so far. She went through the motions of staff use, beginning with proper grip and grounding through the feet.
Ochako was a fast learner, but as far as using a staff went she was a painter being given marble and a chisel. She knew what she was trying to do, but the lack of experience was telling. Using a staff was something most Magesterium students learned before they were ten years old and channeling magic through it was practically instinct to any Synod Mage. Ochako had yet to cultivate even the basics of that instinct.
"What spell should I use?" she asked, staring intently at the staff.
"Try an attack spell," he lifted his hand in a white light, turning a glyph in front of him, "I'll deflect it, don't worry."
The last time they had practiced, Ochako had nervously hesitated to attack him and sputtered for a few minutes about his safety. This time she just grit her teeth and furrowed her brow, forcing her spell through the staff to erupt from its tip. The swiftness and her ferocity surprised Izuku, but he already had his shield raised to defend.
It struck in a burst of green light and evaporated on impact. Izuku barely felt it, but made sure to smile encouragingly at her.
"You can put more behind it," Izuku said, "I'll be able to take it."
"I'm trying," she readjusted her grip, "I thought you said these things amplify your spells, but this just makes every spell so much more difficult. It feels like I'm pushing a boulder through a bottle."
"Most students had issues not destroying everything when using a staff the first time," Izuku hummed in thought, "There must be something holding you back."
"There's nothing wrong with my magic, Apprentice," Ochako scoffed and Izuku was left feeling that he'd said something wrong again, but couldn't pick out what it was.
"I didn't say your magic was wrong, I said there's something making you hesitate. I've never taught anyone to use a staff before and I've never seen someone try to learn as an adult so I'm really just guessing at what's wrong here."
Ochako stabbed the butt of the staff into the ground and leaned on it. "Well Nana uses her staff without any issues and she's not Synod nor did she have a staff before you gave that one to her."
Her point was a fair one, but again, Izuku didn't know enough about either of their situations to do anything but give educated guesses.
"I don't know, maybe she's used them in the past," Izuku rubbed the back of his neck, "She was trained by Solstice elves, maybe their techniques are better for using staffs than Bog Mages."
Chilly air got steadily colder in the quiet clearing as Ochako got continually more preoccupied with the detailing on the staff that was causing her so much frustration. She was not cluing him in on what was going through her head at all and all he could do was stand there and wait for her to either continue their training or speak her mind.
Luckily she was prone to doing the latter and Izuku didn't have to pry.
"Why did you give her that staff?" she shook her head, "You didn't even know her. She's a Blood Mage, something your kind is bred to hate."
"Well...it was actually Denki who gave it to her," Izuku tried to explain, "But I didn't want to keep a Blood Mage Staff either way and if we were going to take it, it was better off in the hands of a Blood Mage we could actually trust."
"See that's what's getting to me, Apprentice," Ochako ground the staff deeper into the ground, "That's just so hypocritical."
"Hypocritical?" Izuku startled.
"Yes," Ochako pushed, "How can you support Nana, protect Shoto, and be friends with me and still want to go back to the Synod? Isn't there even some oath about killing Dragons in your facetious organization? I don't get it. Why are you even here?"
Izuku's mouth was terribly dry and his dinner no longer sat right on his stomach. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he hadn't wanted to face this question, no matter how many times he'd come to justify it.
"I…" it was hard to get out words when his throat was so tight.
"Izuku." The way she said his name struck differently than other times. It felt like an accusation and weighted his heart rather than lightened it like it usually did.
"Ochako, you know that doesn't have an easy answer," he finally choked out, "Whatever you believe, the Synod is not wrong about the core of what we are. Even you must have been taught as a child the very basics of our existence in this world. Of how our souls are in conflict between the influences of the anther and ether, all souls, not just Mages. But Mages are the ether's cruelest blow to the anther. While others are born pure and must fight to maintain that til death, we have no such luxury. We are born damned and it is our life's duty to battle that cursed nature and correct the balance in ourselves that the ether denied us. The good we do, the closer we align ourselves back with nature, even through use of the ether's own curse, works to even that score and it is the Synod's divine mission to guide us to that."
Ochako verbally scoffed, "You want me to believe the child stealing bastards are divinely influenced?"
It was a bating comment and he was a breath from going off on a tangent. His time in the Synod had been a sheltered one and those outside of their order that he had met in that time were mostly in favor of the life they lead, but Ochako had nothing even mildly kind to say of the Synod and he couldn't help how easily irritated he became under her criticism. But this was not the first time he'd tried to defend the Synod to her without success and allowing himself to get heated was only going to push her farther away.
With a concerted effort and white knuckles he suppressed his anger and instead of defending his order, he opted to just speak from the heart.
"I can't tell you that the Synod is perfect, Ochako," Izuku sighed, "It's operated by humans, fallible humans that make mistakes and maybe you're right about some things, but even if you are it doesn't change the importance of our purpose. From the very first Magestrate we have been here to help Mages and to protect the rest of the world from what we do to it. I know I can't convince you of that, but can you at least understand why I feel the way I do about it? Why this is so important to me?"
Frowning downward, Ochako crossed her arms stubbornly.
"Maybe I am hypocritical," Izuku opened his hands in defeat, "But it's because… I don't want to give up on Shoto. And I don't want to lose hope for you either. You haven't Fallen like so many Renegades do and that gives me hope that you can maintain that and even cure your own imbalance on your own, but that makes you an exception to me, not the rule."
That still didn't wipe the bitter look from Ochako's mouth. "And what if you're wrong about the Synod, Apprentice? What if you're damned either way and nothing we do fixes that? What if none of it matters and you've thrown away your life to the Synod for nothing?"
"Then at least I can die knowing I did my best," Izuku bit his cheek, "And at least I can know I wasn't one of the people making the world a worse place because I was never taught to temper my powers."
"I didn't need the Synod for that," Ochako walked across the clearing towards him, "I've lived my whole life with only the influence of the Bog Mages and, as you said yourself, I've never touched Fallen Magic or even questionable Magic and neither have the Bog Mages. We aren't all like Nana."
Izuku leaned onto his staff and rubbed his neck, already exhausted. "I said you were the exception and I meant that. And maybe the Bog Mages have some things right, but it's not a system that will work. They're unstructured and leave too much to chance."
"Maybe a little less structure would be a good thing," she countered, "Your Synod pals aren't exactly very friendly or well adjusted. How are they supposed to reconnect with the anther when they can't even interact with regular people properly?"
"That's a pretty insignificant error in the grand scheme of things," Izuku tilted his head at her.
Ochako was right in front of him now, still crossed armed and glaring. He was not inclined to have this argument at all, but she continued to push and he was forced to respond with the same eagerness.
"Gaetha was almost destroyed by Mages countless times before the Synod came along to do something about it," Izuku took her arm and willed the weight of his words to resonate with her, "That isn't rhetoric, that's in every history book, those are the facts. We say we are cursed, but we were the curse placed on this world. By the grace of the anther alone we are able to use that power for good, but the ability to do good does not negate our nature. The Synod taught all Mages how to use Magic in a positive way, not Bog Mages or elves. You wouldn't know even a quarter of the Magic you do without the Synod's influence on Magic in the world. Whether they are now too wrapped up in politics or not, their teachings are still imperative for all of us to keep our balance. I want every Mage to be given their best chance and they won't have that if left to their own devices or left to the care of unorganized sycophants. Our best hope is and always has been the Synod."
The crease in Ochako's brow wrinkled even tighter and her lips were stiff. She slowly pushed his hands from her arms and stepped back from him.
"Well I don't agree," she said curtly, "But fine, if you value their lifestyle so much then go back to them."
His heart sank like a ship at sea when she turned from him. He didn't even understand why she was talking about this at all; he thought she already knew where he stood on these things. And when they left Blackmoss she knew he was going to go back to the Synod. This deviation in course to help Shoto should not have made her believe his end goal was any different.
But when she spoke again he understood why she was taking such offense. He understood the crushing weight of it more than she would ever know.
"But they'll never let you see us again…" Ochako said softly, "And all we'll get for surviving this is to never see you again. And you don't even care."
Izuku dropped his staff to the ground and followed her, aghast, "Ochako, that's not- I… I don't want to leave you. The thought of going home and never seeing you or Eijiro again is agony. I hate it, I dread it with everything in me."
His heart raced when he touched her shoulder.
"You and Eijiro have changed my life irrevocably and I'll never be the same again because of you. You've opened my mind to so many possibilities, but my beliefs haven't changed and my responsibilities are bigger than what I want… What I..."
The end of his stream of thought wouldn't manifest and Ochako took him by surprise by spinning on him. He kept his hand on her shoulder while she invaded his space and searched his eyes.
"What? What is it you want? Please tell me."
In his heart of hearts he knew, but he couldn't say it. He sealed his mouth and told himself he needed to step away, put her at the distance he should have left her at from the start and continue training her for the next battle ahead. He couldn't have what he wanted any more than he could retroactively manufacture a family like Kyouka's or bring back Jano from the dead. But the way she was looking at him told his heart so many lies and his gut lurched in a demand for him to believe it.
Still he steeled himself and kept his mouth shut, even if he couldn't tear his stare away from hers.
Ochako moved horribly closer, aggressive and angry still, fisting the collar of his robes and jostling him as she shouted again. "What do you want, Apprentice? Don't pretend you didn't mean anything by that."
A dip of his head could have tapped their noses together she was so close. His palms felt clammy with sweat and his stomach was clamped so tight it was akin to dying.
"Don't make me say it," his voice fell to a whisper.
Her hands trembled on his collar. "I can't accept that. If you're going to up and leave us, then at least tell me that this hasn't all been about Shoto. If he wasn't involved and we were still on this path, would me and Red be enough to have kept you from the Synod this long?"
He was overly aware of how he held her shoulder, of the shape of it and the texture of her clothes. It defended him against the thoughts in his head, the words he'd regret saying. But it was shallow defense that gave over as soon as he opened his mouth. "Of course, you would be. I didn't even think about your family or how it would hurt to take you away from them when we left Landsleave, I was just happy there was some excuse for us to stay together for a bit longer. I would have delayed returning at the slightest excuse, but we got the fate of the world on our shoulders instead. I wish I could tell you that you don't mean anything to me. It would be so much easier if you didn't. It wouldn't hurt so much."
Izuku's chest clenched and his free hand lifted to take her other shoulder with intensity he had no control over. All of his feelings were pushing their way to the surface and the stinging behind his eyes was trying to reach the foreground. Ochako gaped up at him, anger diminishing into a stunned stare and the vice-like grip of his robes loosened to a soft press against his collarbone.
"I'm sorry," he squeezed into her shoulders, "I shouldn't feel this way. But…"
"But, what?" Ochako said it like she was just as afraid of the answer.
No amount of sense could breach the swirling well of emotions in his skull. He just knew that his chest hurt, he wanted to be even closer to her and he couldn't take his eyes off of her. Her full cheeks were flushed and her brown eyes were moving quickly over his expression.
"But..." he repeated it, failing to find anything to follow the word while some invisible force pushed him to lean closer to her.
She noted the action with a confused glance at the lack of space between them, but she didn't push him away. "Izuku…?"
His nose touched hers and she inhaled sharply. He heard her swallow and her fingers spread out below his neck. Her eyes drifted closed.
Clueless, but lost to a foreign impulse, Izuku cupped her cheek and closed the last gap.
It was so far from his comprehension, but so very real at once. His lips were pressed to hers, he breathed and he was inhaling her, he kissed her and she kissed him back. Why she returned it he had no idea, all he knew was that it was something his heart had been screaming for since he'd first come to really know her and there was no feeling in the world like actually holding her like this and the firm, but gentle, movement of her mouth to his.
But it didn't last.
Gentle touch turned to a tensed shove and Izuku found himself stumbling back from her. He stalled there, trying to regain his mind and sense before noticing the Ochako was gripping her arms and shaking her head. Guilt washed out his stomach and he rushed back to her apologetically, cycling through every possible reason that what he'd done was wrong or had hurt her somehow.
"Ochako, I'm so sorry, I… I don't know what came over me." He knew he shouldn't have kissed her, he knew to let an ounce of his true feelings manifest was to play with fire, especially after what he had just told her about not changing his mind about leaving them. She had every right to be angry at him and he was deeply ashamed for letting his emotions get the better of his reason. The Synod had taught him better than this.
Blinking surprise, she gaped at him for a moment and then sputtered out confusion. "What? No, Izuku, you didn't do anything wrong. You…"
With a very long exhale she leaned her face into her palm and then touched his sleeve. Izuku was a puddle of confusion and all he could do was stand there and hope he didn't make things worse or somehow push her further away. She looked up at him and he was taken aback by the familiar expression of guilt on her.
"You're just being true to your feelings, like you always do," she swallowed like she was in pain, "I wish I were like you. You know how you feel and you act on it, but I-"
"I don't, Ochako," Izuku looked away from her, "I don't know how I feel about anything right now. This is all so hard. It feels like my every ideal and my every belief is being tested at every turn. I know that I care about you differently than I've cared about anyone else, but I don't know what to do with those feelings either."
A shuddered breath stalled their conversation long enough for the sounds of the night to chirp in their ears.
"Nana said it was better to have loved for a short while than to never have loved at all...but it hurts. And it can't change my mind either. I have to stay the course and I can't do anything about this."
She was quiet for a while, too long for Izuku not to feel like he'd said the wrong thing again. But her hand moved up and down his arm a couple times, a friendly, comforting stroke.
"Would it be easier on you if I didn't reciprocate?"
Cold hands ran chills down his spine and then punched him in the gut. He searched her eyes to find the truth, to find whether she was lying to make him feel better or if it was really how she felt. Her gaze was steady, sympathetic, still guilty, but calm. His hopes fled, but a different, rocky relief came with it.
Easier to make the decision ahead of him? Yes. Less painful? No.
He nodded, but it didn't mirror how he felt. He was left with so many questions still and so much uncertainty. Her eyes said she wasn't lying, but that kiss said otherwise. He was not exactly experienced in these things, but from what he knew people didn't lean into a kiss from someone they didn't feel something for.
She definitely wasn't telling him everything, and truly, she wasn't actually telling him anything. But that was how this needed to be, because they couldn't be anything more than they were right now.
That guilty frown on Ochako's lips remained through the calm exterior Izuku forced over his tumultuous emotions.
"I'm sorry, Izuku, it's just…" she sighed, struggling to explain herself.
Izuku spared her the trouble, placing his hand over the one she had on his arm and squeezing it.
"It's alright," he assured her, "You don't have to excuse not having feelings for me. It's… better this way. It's better if I'm never given the chance to hope for anything more."
She couldn't meet his eyes and her voice stayed a distracted whisper. "I'm sorry. I really am."
"Ochako," Izuku grabbed her attention, finally getting her to look at him. He smiled at her, but it felt like moving a boulder uphill to force his facial muscles into the expression. "Let's forget this ever happened. We never have to talk about it again. Any of it. We both know where the other stands about the Synod and we both know we won't change our minds, so let's not fight about it any longer. Let's just do what we came to do and we'll say those goodbyes when it's time to say them."
They stared at each other in silence for a long moment and despite their brave faces, Izuku knew they both felt the crushing weight of their decision. To just leave it like this, with so many unanswered questions and so much unrequited emotion was agony, but there was no other option for them. All they could do was try to enjoy the time they had left together.
Separating with a nod and a sigh, Ochako and Izuku retrieved their staffs and stood aloft. Ochako recentered herself and took up her hold on the carved wood, furrowing her brow towards Izuku as she concentrated.
"Try to relax," he instructed as though nothing had just happened between them, "As long as I'm prepared for it, I'll be able to deflect whatever you can hit me with, so don't hold yourself back. Feel it out like a conduit, not a narrow passage."
"Whatever you say, Apprentice," Ochako grumbled, returning to her usually teasing tone.
Izuku smiled genuinely and lifted his shielding glyph towards her, trying to think of anything other than how she was extremely cute when she was concentrating. This was going to be hell now that he'd done the foolish thing and kissed her, it solidified feelings he hadn't even been certain about and now it was all in the forefront to haunt him with every waking moment he was with her.
He steeled himself into the defensive spell and mentally doused himself with cold water, shaking off anything except making sure Ochako was at her best for the next fight.
"All right, Ochako, give me all you've got."
"You haven't told anyone."
It took a single sentence to pin Shoto's feet to the ground. A moment ago he had been ready to burst with the need to see her, to speak to her, to hear her make sense of the chaos in his mind and the first thing she said to him was drenched in disappointed accusation.
The area was rocky and circled in trees. Nana sat at its center, facing away from him, staff across her lap. She didn't look back or even check to make sure it was him. She didn't have to, she just knew.
"Told anyone what?"
"Don't play dumb, you're above that." Nana didn't allow him to even consider feigning ignorance.
Shoto exhaled for a long moment and wandered towards her, fist tight around his own staff. Smooth indents had started to form in the usual places he would grip it. They were different from its previous owner's worn handmarks which were rubbed a little lower and a little deeper. The old Battle Master had used it a long time before the demons had overrun him and it had been tossed to Shoto by his commanding officer in a nonchalant act to arm him in desperation. Shoto often wondered if Master Ferris knew what he handed the inexperienced Battle Mage that day and if he had, would he have left Shoto unarmed rather than give up the powerful weapon.
A side eye from Nana made Shoto stop considering his staff so closely and look at her as he came level with her. She waited patiently, but she wasn't infinitely endowed in said patience and he had no intention of making her upset.
"Did Izuku and Ochako hear?"
"Izuku doesn't seem to remember much at all, but I believe Ochako knows."
"Tell her to keep her tongue then, I've already spoken to Eijiro about it and he's agreed to be silent."
"Why are you trying so hard to hide it, Shoto?"
His hands dropped open at his sides. "Nana, I can't. You can't ask me to. I don't even know what to think of it. How could Natuso and Touya even be certain of who I am? The Synod keeps no records. And it's irrelevant either way. Family ties are broken when we become Synod, which makes it all meaningless even if I believe it. "
Her head jerked away from him and Shoto felt his heart pinch. She must be angry with him, but why? What did she care? Shoto kept his eyes straight ahead and dug himself deeper.
"And think of the Queen and the Commander! Not to mention Katsuki. They won't trust me. They won't understand that shared blood doesn't make me one of them. All Queen Momo and Commander Tenya will see is that another Todoroki is in their midst and they will flee us and we can't have that. We need them, we need the army she can gather to occupy the Archdemon's armies."
Shoto fisted his hair, his stomach twisted with anxiety.
"Katsuki hates the Todorokis and he already hates me. I won't survive him knowing there is even a possibility of me being a part of that family. Nana, you have to understand-!"
Shoto's foot faltered on a jagged stone when he spun on her. He kept his footing if only barely, but suddenly couldn't move at the sight of tears rolling down Nana's cheeks.
"Nana?"
Reddened eyes pulled around in the moonlight and she watched him with such a hurt that he had never seen.
"How can you say with such finality that you have no desire for family at all? Does some part of you not take flight at the thought that there are people with your same blood in their veins walking the earth, that there is perhaps a mother that would weep to think of holding you in her arms again?"
Was that true? Was there some woman he didn't know who thought about him and wished to see him? Had he even taken a second to consider what discovering such a family might mean to him? His knee jerk reaction was fear and repulsion, but if he thought longer about it, would his mind change? No. He had never wanted that familial closeness before, it was foreign and uncomfortable to let someone in that deeply. And the more he thought about this stranger that wanted to hold him and call him "son", the more he started to cringe from the notion.
"No," he said, "I don't wonder about a person I've never known. And the ones I have known have left me more wary of rejoining such a family than ever before."
Moving closer to Nana, Shoto set down his staff and sat on the space next to her. He looked upwards to the stars, but she looked at him, her tears glinting in their own starlight.
"I saw only a few moments of Enji Todoroki and heard what the other two said about him and it was enough to know that it was a mercy to be spared his parenting. Natsuo was unnerving to deal with, a calm and cold leader one moment and a heated brash child the next. And Touya is...a monster. He has Fallen so hard to the ether that he is truly unsaveable. Whatever time he spent among that family broke him and whatever became of him afterwards finalized his descent into corruption. Perhaps there are others with the Todoroki name out there who are not such decrepit cases, but I do not have the heart to find out."
Nana's gentle touch on the back of his arm did not scare him as it usually might and even the remaining ache from his wound was unbothered.
"I care only about who is present now. I have always been that way." Shoto's chest started to feel lighter than it had in some time and he couldn't stop himself from talking. This must have been what Izuku felt like all the time. "I never attached myself to a family or took a family name in the Magesterium because those people were very temporary. Every couple years we were moved around and once our lives outside of formation began we again may never have seen each other. The Magesterium was not the time for that. But despite what others may think, I had friends. I was devoted to the study and the work, but I was able to get along with people, like Izuku and Hitoshi...but I told myself that there was no use in forming such brief friendships into anything more when I would only be left alone in another two years. Just ask Izuku; I see how his heart breaks when he speaks of his Synod sister. They have not seen each other's faces in ten years. I cannot imagine such heartache. I could not withstand it. So I choose not to have it. And I choose not to have some fraudulent family of power mongers and strangers."
He could hear Nana swallow. "You are not a Magesterium student any longer, Shoto. By your own logic, if you were ever going to allow yourself to become attached to another, now is the time. This is the time to form your family. If not the Todorokis, then why not others? Why not those who are in your life now, who care for you and your wellbeing?"
It felt like fire gripping his throat, but he forced himself to meet her eyes. It hurt as badly as he thought it might. Her tears and her smile had turned hopeful and her hold of his arm tightened comfortingly.
Shaking his head, Shoto pulled away from her, dropping to his feet and walking a few paces away.
"No, no, there's no time or purpose to that. This is worse than the Magesteriums. There is no set time for these people before they are taken away. We are all marching to our likely deaths and if we somehow survive then I will be lost to my repercussions. These friendships will not outlast the coming fight, Nana. If I don't have to live with the pain of it, then others will and I won't do that to them."
A defeated sigh broke out over the quiet sounds of nighttime and Shoto turned an offended stare back on Nana. She was pleading to the heavens, mouth open in exasperation.
"First Mina and now you. This is utterly ridiculous and I have had my fill of it."
"What? What did Mina do?"
Nana dropped from the stone and spun the staff in hand. She jammed its base into a soft patch of earth and flicked yellow light in her hand, alighting its top with a glow that lingered as she met Shoto in the clearing. He could only stare at her in confusion as she grabbed him by both shoulders and forced him to look in her eyes.
"You are foolish children. No, not foolish, fearful. There is no greater sacrifice in this world than to love another person, Shoto. None of us are guaranteed our full one hundred years on earth, not even an elf, certainly not a Mage. To refuse what our hearts are screaming for us to do for some infantile fear of heartbreak is the biggest waste of your life you could possibly inflict on yourself."
Fisting her hand, Nana placed it over Shoto's heart. It was pounding into his chest harder at the vicious pleading in her eyes and words.
"Why?" Shoto shook his head at her, "Why do you care so much about what I do and who I let in? What is my life to you?"
He stayed under Nana's endeared stare for a good while and he did not pull away whenever she held his face and brushed back his hair.
"My boy would have been about your age now," her breath shuddered, "He already was so much his own person when I lost him. His father was so different from Denki you wouldn't imagine they were related. He was more like you, serious, reserved, but he had a perfect smile that shouted how big his heart was. I miss them terribly and I suppose I miss them less when I have you and Denki and Katsuki and everyone else around. But my concern for you is not because you make it feel like my son is still alive sometimes, though it may have started that way. I care about your life because I care about you. I want to see you flourish, make friends, fall in love, and live as I would have wanted for my own son. I don't want to see you throw away your life to the Synod or die without having experienced what it is to be human."
Shoto had no concept of how to respond to that, how to express what was in his heart, the appreciation he felt for her. He had never had someone speak to him like this. It felt so undeserving. Nana was an amazing person who had suffered so much, she shouldn't be paining her heart further with his concerns. But he didn't know how to make her stop.
"I...don't know if I'm even human," Shoto shook his head in her hands, "You heard what Touya said, I am an abomination he pulled from the ether on the precipice of life and death. I'm no different than the shambling corpses that he controls."
Something hardened in Nana's eyes and suddenly there was a sting against Shoto's cheek. "Ouch!" he yelped, pressing his palm to where he'd been lightly slapped.
"I corpse cannot feel pain," Nana huffed, "It cannot care whether it is a corpse or not. And the undead dance to whatever tune their Necromancer sings, but you fought him with all your might. Too close to the ether or not, you are human and you are no slave to that man."
He continued to rub his cheek as she let him go. Nana kept looking at him with those eyes that said she just wanted better for him, but she didn't know how to make it happen.
"Put his words out of your mind," she ordered, "Some Necromancer from a broken family does not define who you are. What you do from here out does."
"And what are we to do from here out?" Shoto sighed.
Nana went back and picked up her staff, taking Shoto's as well and tossing it to him.
"Build our strength and pray we have better luck with the real Summoner than we did with the false one."
Shoto caught the staff and widened his eyes on her. "So we are certain of where the real Summoner is?"
"He never left Dawnfell," Nana shrugged like it was obvious, "Touya was a distraction to pursuers and it never made sense for the Summoner to be beyond Demon's Rise anyway. I don't trust the Honing Stone at this point with the false route it gave us, but logic dictates we will find the Summoner with the Archdemon as he always has been, as every Summoner before has been found."
It made enough sense to Shoto for him to just nod and twirl his staff in preparation.
"Then we have a lot of work to do," Shoto said, "I think I know what I need to change in my fighting style, after both Mina and Hitoshi slapped me in the face with it, but it will require me to relearn everything I know. Are you willing to be patient with me?"
That sad smile perked up on Nana's face with a wink. "My patience has its limits, Shoto, don't push it too far."
He nodded gravely and lifted his free hand, still black with his previous sins and scared with his last attempts to use Blood Magic. He and Nana had both taken to wearing gloves at all times now and it was clear why. The amount they had used Blood Magic in the last week was showing in the darkness of the stains. It hurt that he was preparing to spread this darkness even further, that he was readying himself to mar a new scar into his flesh.
Nana rolled back her sleeve to match him and she seemed just as disappointed with the inky black on her skin.
"Nana," Shoto interrupted her spell to cut her arm, catching her attention. He thought hard about what he wanted to say, but still struggled to put it to words. "I don't want you to worry about me. It's not fair to you. You've been through enough and you've lost enough people. I don't want to add to that pain. I… care that I would hurt you."
Surprise melted to endearment in Nana's eyes.
"No, Shoto, you can't stop me from caring or worrying about you, it's a burden I've chosen to bear," she chuckled, "Tough luck."