27 ~ Brain Damage/Eclipse

You raise the blade, you make the change
You rearrange me till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me

[Back to the beginning of the previous chapter; this time from Jackie's perspective. So, two days ago.]

Jackie was in another memory, sitting on a blanket in the park with her dad. They were looking up at the sky.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, kitten," her dad said. "A lunar eclipse on your birthday. What better way to celebrate turning ten years old?"

Jackie smiled at him. "What's a lunar eclipse again?"

"The moon will pass into the earth's shadow. It's going to turn a dark red color when that happens."

"Ooh." Jackie turned away from the sky and looked at her dad. "Why didn't mommy come with us?"

"She… She doesn't very much like the stars. She wouldn't be interested in sitting on the grass and looking at the sky." Sadness tinged her father's words. Almost like… Almost like he was lying.

"Oh. Okay." Jackie scooted closer to her dad, who put an arm around her and held her close. Together, they watched as the earth's shadow crept across the moon.

Jackie was asleep before she could see the full eclipse.

She woke up in a new memory. Another birthday, this one her sixteenth.

It was the fifth birthday in a row that her father had missed for work. And this time, he hadn't even left a big gift in his place. No Mustang like he promised.

Jackie was alone in her room. Her friends from cheer had taken her out for dinner already, so she was in for the night. Michael would probably be over soon.

She hadn't seen either of her parents all day. Her father was off in Madison for a few days on business and her mother had decided to take a trip on her own, leaving Jackie alone with the maid.

She wanted to complain to Michael, but if she told Michael that her parents had ditched her then the whole school would know.

Tears formed in her eyes as she realized she had no one she could talk to. Her cheer friends weren't really friends, they just hung out together because of social obligation. Anything personal she told Michael would be repeated to other people. Michael's friends didn't like her. She and Donna weren't close enough to talk about serious things together.

The memory morphed into a different one, this time in Steven's room. She was curled up next to him on his cot, his arms around her.

"He hasn't been around for me much, but now he can't be there for me because he's in prison," Jackie said. "I feel like it shouldn't be this sad because he was gone so often before."

"Of course it's sad. He's still your dad. No matter how much he hurt you you're probably still gonna be sad he's in prison. It's always tough when a parent gets busted," Steven said.

"Yeah. He's not cut out for prison. I hope he'll be okay." Steven didn't respond to that. She looked up at him. "You're holding back some snide remark about him bribing people, aren't you?"

"Yep. But I won't say it 'cause I know that's not what you wanna hear." He laced their fingers together lightly.

"Well, it's a good start." Jackie rested her head in the crook of his shoulder. She felt so warm and safe this close to him. Sitting with Michael had never felt safe.

"I'm sorry for all the stupid shit I said earlier," Steven said. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay. I mean, I didn't like it and I don't know what's wrong with you either, but now you're trying to fix it. And that means a lot to me," Jackie said.

Steven pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. She smiled softly. Steven's affection had always been so tender and comfortable. Like it was just second nature to kiss her forehead, or put an arm around her, or lace their fingers together. She adored it.

And she missed it like hell.

"Please, please, let me come back to Steven," she whispered. "Please."

Nothing happened. She still didn't want it enough, apparently.

Steven's room transformed into the living room of her childhood home. She was a little over eleven now.

"Daddy, I'm ready to go!" she said.

Her father looked up from his paperwork. "To go where?"

"Stargazing! You said we could go tonight before you leave for your work trip," Jackie said.

Her father sighed and turned to her in his chair. "I'm sorry, kitten. I have a lot of paperwork to fill out before the trip. I can't take you out tonight."

Jackie pouted. "But… But you promised!"

"I know, kitten. But I have to work so I can buy you nice things. You still want that pony, don't you?"

Jackie's pout lessened. "I guess. But don't make promises you can't keep anymore."

"I'll try my best," her father said. "How about we have Maria fix you some hot chocolate and you can sit with me while I do my work?"

Jackie smiled a little. "Okay."

The living room transformed into the foyer of the house. Jackie was standing near the door, waiting for her father to come home. She was sixteen now.

When he entered, he had a woman on his arm. A woman that was not Jackie's mother. The sight tripled Jackie's anger.

"Oh! Jackie, what are you doing up this late?" he asked.

"I was waiting for you! You promised you would take me out for driving practice. But apparently you were too busy cheating on mom!" Jackie was being way too loud for this conversation, but she didn't care.

Her father had made yet another empty promise, the fifth this week. And now he was bringing another woman home? So soon after she told him about Michael cheating on her with Pam Macy? It was adding insult to injury, and Jackie wasn't having it.

"Oh, kitten, I'm not cheating. This is Ms. Statton, my secretary. She came over for some late work." Her father unhooked his arm from the woman's. She flipped her hair over her shoulder and nodded.

Jackie didn't fully believe him, but she chose to ignore it for now. "All right. I'm still mad at you, though. You keep making empty promises! I told you not to make promises you can't keep."

"I know, kitten, I know. But I am going to mess up sometimes. I'm only human," he said.

Jackie frowned, but didn't fight it. "Fine. Just… Try a little more? Please?"

"I will. I promise."

The living room transformed into Steven's room. She was seated across from him, on the old ottoman. He was seated on his cot. It was the day they both returned from touring colleges. The day they'd made their relationship official.

"So… I guess what I'm saying is I'd like it if you were my girlfriend. Officially," Steven said.

"You guess?" Jackie asked. She didn't want any doubts. If she was going to have another serious relationship, she needed him to be committed to her.

"Fine, I'd like it if we made our relationship official," he said. Jackie could feel his sincerity.

"I'd like that too." She stood up and sat next to him on his cot. Then she kissed him. Just as he was about to deepen the kiss, she pulled away. "But you have to make me a promise."

"What is it?"

"No cheating on me. If you think about cheating, at least break up with me first. I can't be with another cheater after Michael," Jackie said.

Steven's face softened. "I would never cheat on you. As long as we're together, I'm not interested in any other girls."

"You have to promise me. And don't make the promise if you can't keep it."

Steven took her hands in his. "I promise I won't cheat on you. And I would never make a promise I can't keep."

Jackie smiled and kissed him again.

Steven's lips faded away and she opened her eyes to the El Camino and Steven's watery eyes. Dread settled in her stomach.

"And I'm really sorry, okay? I promise it'll never happen again."

Promise. Jackie almost laughed at him. He had promised he wouldn't cheat. "I would never make a promise I can't keep." Yeah, right.

Empty promises littered Jackie's life. She expected them from her dad, but Steven… Steven had been the person she least expected to betray her. Yet he had broken his promise. He had broken his promise and shattered her heart.

Did she still have some kind of lingering fear that he would do it again? Was that why she couldn't break out of her mind?

"Hey, Jackie," Steven's voice echoed in her mind, putting her back to iridescence. "I, uh… I don't know if you can hear me, but I've got a few things I wanna say."

She could hear him, but she didn't respond.

"I love you," he continued. "I don't ever want you to forget that. And when you come back to me, I'll tell you again. As long as you're around, I'll keep saying it. 'Cause you deserve to hear it, more often than I said it."

A short pause followed.

"And when we get back to Wisconsin, I'll propose to you. I'll get you a nice ring. You can annoy the hell outta me with wedding stuff." He laughed a little. "I miss you, Starlight. Even when you're right in front of me."

A longer pause followed that.

"I should've just said yes."

Her heart warmed at that. She wanted to tell him she missed him too. She wanted to tell him he really should have just said yes.

Hearing his voice cleared her head a little. He had only made that one empty promise. He had never made an empty promise again. Even when she practically begged him to promise a future for them, he didn't. Because it was a promise he couldn't keep.

It was a promise he couldn't keep because he couldn't control the future, not because he didn't want a future with Jackie. She understood that now. Too late, though.

But Steven still loved her. She knew that, she was sure of it. She had a piece of his heart and he had a piece of hers. That wouldn't have happened if they didn't love each other. And he wanted a future with her. He'd told her as much just now.

She would never get that future with him if she couldn't escape her mind.

The iridescence transformed into her room, pink and dimly lit. Her phone was pressed to her ear and her mother's voice was speaking through the receiver.

"I'll be back as soon as I can, okay? I have to catch a flight in Cancun, then I'll be back to Wisconsin. I promise."

"Okay, just… please get back as soon as you can," Jackie said.

"I will, Jackie, I will! See you soon, sweetie."

She hung up before Jackie could say goodbye. Jackie flopped back on her bed. Of course, her mom hadn't come back for nearly another whole year. Yet another empty promise.

Jackie knew where her mind was headed. She was going to go through every empty promise the people she'd loved had made her. Empty promises from her dad, her mom and Michael, mostly.

Jackie squeezed her eyes shut against the barrage of bad memories.

Her father bailing on countless stargazing nights and birthdays. Her mother avoiding coming home. Michael cheating and cheating and cheating.

Tears leaked out of her tightly shut eyes. She hated that the people she loved, the people she trusted, kept hurting her. That must be why she wasn't with Steven right now. She was scared of being hurt again.

She was scared to be without the protection of her own mind.

She opened her eyes to a new memory and a familiar song. She was in Steven's room, sitting with her legs draped over his lap on the cot. They were listening to The Wall.

"In perfect isolation… here behind my wall… waiting for the worms to come…"

"So, now that Pink is shut up in the wall completely, he's beginning to decay. That's why he's waiting for the worms to come?" Jackie asked.

"Got it in one. This song's easier to follow when you're looking at the lyrics." He grabbed the record sleeve and handed it to her. The lyrics to all the songs on the current record side were listed out. She found the lyrics for the song Waiting For The Worms and followed along.

"Waiting... To weed out the weaklings… Waiting... To smash in their windows and kick in their doors…"

She followed along through the staticky orders and chants of the song, which culminated in Roger Waters yelling, "STOP!"

The new song continued, "I want to go home… Take off this uniform and leave the show… And I'm waiting in this cell because I have to know… Have I been guilty all this time?"

The song repeated as Steven's room faded back into Jackie's iridescent mind. The song was speaking to her feelings too well.

She wanted to go home.

She wanted to get out of her stupid mind and away from this stupid iridescence.

But she was stuck here.

Because she didn't want to go without her mind's protection from all the lies and empty promises and cheating and pain.

But… She loved the good more than she hated the bad. Didn't she?

Jackie sighed. If that were true, she would be in Steven's arms right now.

Jackie squared her shoulders and stood up straight. She would not let herself ruin her own progress. She was going to get the hell out of here.

And she was pretty sure she knew how to do it.

The basement materialized around her. Only her and Steven were down there, sitting on the couch together. They were kissing, having just gotten back together after the nurse.

Steven broke the kiss. "I'm sorry for what I said after you broke up with me."

Jackie frowned. "What do you mean? You saying 'I love you' for the first time?"

"Yeah," Steven said.

"Why? Do you not love me?"

"What? No, I- What I meant to say is it was a really selfish thing to say that for the first time in an attempt to get you to forgive me. You deserved better. Saying that to you shouldn't have been a selfish thing."

"How about we forget that, then? Like it never happened."

The corners of Steven's mouth quirked upward. "Okay." He laced his fingers through hers. "I love you."

Jackie grinned. "I love you too." She kissed him.

Steven parted the kiss again. "What now?" she asked, faking irritation.

"I'm sorry for how I acted the past few days. It was really stupid."

"Is our second go at a relationship gonna be all you apologizing?" Jackie asked with a teasing smile.

Steven smiled back. "Only when I have stuff to apologize for."

"Well, whatever else you have to apologize for, I forgive you. It doesn't really matter what stupid things you did, as long as you don't do them again. And as long as you plan on making it up to me."

"I definitely plan on doing that," Steven said. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I promise I'll make it up to you. And I plan to keep my promises."

"I promise to give you a second chance and trust those promises," Jackie said.

"Thanks." Steven smiled at her, that precious soft smile that only she ever saw. She treasured that smile.

The basement morphed into Mount Hump, one of the sightseeing points. She and Steven were cuddled together on a picnic blanket, watching the sunset.

"Y'know, this ain't so bad," Steven said.

"I told you watching the sunset would be romantic," Jackie responded. "But it is kind of bright."

Steven took off his sunglasses and slid them on her face.

Jackie giggled. "Do I look like you now?"

"No. But you do look cute," Steven said. Jackie smiled at him.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Jackie rested her head on Steven's shoulder. Once the sun was almost completely below the horizon, Steven said, "I kinda can't believe it's been a year."

"A year and a few months if we count our fling," Jackie said.

"That's crazy." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "It's been a great year. For the most part, anyway."

"Yeah, it has." Jackie pressed a kiss to his jaw.

"I love you," he said softly. "A year ago, I thought I'd never be able to say that out loud."

"I love you too." Jackie moved so she could kiss him fully. He ran his hands through her hair in such a gentle and loving way. She adored the way he touched her. It was never too much, never too little. His touch was always tender and comfortable. And it felt so safe. She had always felt safe in his arms.

Mount Hump transformed into Steven's room. She was lying in bed with Steven, satisfied and appreciating the warmth of Steven's bare skin so close to hers.

Steven turned on his side so that he was partially leaning over her. He tucked a bit of hair behind her ear. "I love you, Starlight."

"I love you too, Raindrop."

"Still trying to make that stick, huh?" Steven asked.

"You'll learn to like it," Jackie said. "Besides, it was the best thing I could come up with that was related to that song."

"It's better than Puddin' Pop, at least." He kissed her softly. She ran her fingers along his jaw, into his soft curls. This had been one of those times she was overwhelmed by just how much she loved this amazing man. This amazing man that somehow loved her back.

Steven's room transformed again, but only to a different day in his room. They were dancing together, the mixtape she'd made for him playing on the stereo. It was the song Just Remember I Love You by Firefall, so it was Valentine's Day.

"Steven, always remember that I love you," Jackie said. "Never forget that."

"I won't, as long as you remember that I love you," Steven said. He kissed her quickly. She smiled when they parted.

He spun her around a few times, then dipped her. She laughed. Dancing with him was one of her favorite things in the whole world. He seemed to open up to her when they were dancing. Not verbally, but… spiritually, in a way. Anything he said or showed felt completely genuine.

Jackie smiled at the memory of Steven. She wanted so badly to see that smile again, for real. To feel his hands again, for real. To dance with him again, for real.

Steven's room faded away into her mind. She didn't feel angry at the sight of iridescence, she just felt more determined to get out. She felt even more determined when she heard Steven's voice.

"Jackie, I can't wait for you to come back. I miss you so fucking much. I want to be able to touch you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again… I just want you back. That's all I want. And I know you're gonna come back soon, 'cause you're so freaking smart and strong. Those are just two of the many reasons I fell for you. I love you, Jackie, and I hope you come back soon."

Tears gathered in her eyes. She wanted all of that too. And it was up to her to get out.

She was smart. She was strong. She would not be brought down by her insecurities and doubts. She was Jackie freaking Burkhart, and she was going to get the hell out of here.

She closed her eyes and focused on every happy memory she had. With Steven, with Donna, with Michael, with Fez, with Eric. She focused on the happy moments, ignoring all the doubts and empty promises and lies.

Because the good outweighed the bad. It always did.

"I'm coming back to you, Steven," she whispered.

She felt the pleasant thrum of magic build around her. She kept her focus on the good memories.

The buzz of magic continued building until it was roaring in her ears. She relaxed her mind and body and took control of the magic.

Something shifted inside her. A bright glow surrounded her, then everything went dark.