Chapter 27: History

A/N: In case you're like me and jump to the last chapter, note that I posted three chapters today (25-27).

Trigger warning: Discussion of verbal and emotional abuse

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane crawled into bed next to Maura after the kids were asleep and they had gone through their own nighttime routines. She was glad that Maura didn't even suggest trying to sleep in the guest room. Jane planned to give it a few more days; then, she was going to suggest they just make it official and move Maura's clothes into the master bedroom, especially since the kids knew they were together now.

Jane yawned as she stretched her arms over her head before settling against the pillows. Maura instantly moved into her arms, and Jane's fingers started to absentmindedly play with the ends of Maura's hair.

"I'm surprised that Emma and Finn couldn't tell themselves apart in the video," Maura said.

"Honestly, I did not think that's what you were going to start with," Jane admitted softly.

"I know."

"But actually, I wasn't shocked. I read that often parents and siblings are better at distinguishing identical twins in pictures than the twins themselves because twins spend most of their time looking at their sibling. They rarely look at both themselves and their twin at the same time. They never really have to learn how to tell themselves apart."

"I guess that makes sense."

Jane decided not to avoid the real conversation the needed to have. "I'm sorry," Jane said. "I didn't mean to drop that on you like that, especially in front of the kids."

"I know, Jane," Maura said truthfully. "I could tell by your reaction."

"I was totally picking based on the kids' ages and what I thought you and Sophie would enjoy."

"I did enjoy it," Maura said quietly. "I loved getting to see all three kids when they were younger. But Jane, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not like you lied to me about your dating history. We haven't had a chance to have that conversation yet."

"I know, but I could tell that it made you uncomfortable."

Maura pushed herself onto her elbows so that she could look at Jane. "Mmmm, jealous might be a more accurate word," she said with a slight smirk.

"Her name was Stephanie," Jane explained.

"Jane, you don't have to…"

"I want to," Jane said firmly as her fingers continued to play with Maura's hair as it fell over her shoulder. She met Maura's gaze before continuing, "I don't want to keep secrets from you."

Maura nodded, and Jane knew she felt the same way.

"I met her when Harper was a few months old, just after the new year, and we went on our first date at the end of January. She was the only person I ever dated that met the kids. I waited months before I introduced them to each other. They met just before Harper's first birthday, so Harper's party was only like the second or third time they had seen her. It was a really big deal for me to let her meet the kids."

"How long were you together?" Maura asked quietly.

"We broke up a few days before Harper's second birthday."

"I'm sorry, Jane."

Jane snorted. "That's a little weird coming from you," she teased, but Maura could tell by the tone of her voice that Jane wasn't really annoyed.

"No, I am," Maura reiterated. "It's obvious you cared about her. That you cared about each other. Can I ask…why did you break up?"

Jane dropped her hand to rub Maura's arm. "Because she would never be you," Jane said so quietly that Maura barely heard her. "And I'm not just saying that because I think it's what you want to hear. I broke up with her on your birthday…it woulda been your 45th birthday, I think. I made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that you would always be a part of our lives because you would always be the girls' mother. I was honest with her about my feelings for you. She was really understanding, especially when it came to the girls, but even when it came to my feelings. I guess, I hoped that I could love someone else the same way I loved you. Eventually, I had to admit to myself and to her that it wasn't going to happen, not for her, not for anyone. It wasn't fair to stay in a relationship with her if I couldn't give her my whole heart.

"The breakup was really hard…probably worse than any other breakup I've gone through. I missed her when she was gone, and the girls missed her too. Not as much as I missed you, though."

"Jane, you don't have to qualify your hurt," Maura said gently.

Jane nodded as she brushed her thumb across Maura's bare shoulder. "I stopped even trying to date after that," she admitted.

"Jane, I'm so sorry."

Jane shook her head. "Yeah, it was hard to break up with Stephanie, but Maura you have to realize that overall, I was really really happy. I still missed you, but that was never going to go away. Making the decision not to date…it took the pressure off. I loved my life with the three girls and all our crazy family."

"Has your mom given up on setting you up and trying to get you to settle down?" Maura asked skeptically.

Jane laughed. "Actually, she gave up on that after you left," Jane admitted.

Maura tilted her head, and Jane could tell she wanted to ask or say something, but she was unsure of how Jane would take it. Jane gave her a few moments to think.

"So does that mean…I mean…is your mom…"

"Are you trying to ask if my mom cared that I was with a woman?"

"Yes," Maura huffed out with slight annoyance at herself for being unable to articulate her question.

Jane chuckled. "Um, Maura, just so you know, the two of us dating is going to be even less shocking to the rest of the family than it was for the girls," she said. "Stephanie may have been the first and only other woman I dated, but it's not like the fact that I could be interested in a woman was a surprise to anyone by that point. They all knew how I felt about you."

"I mean, I know that there used to be rumors, but…"

Jane shook her head. "No, you don't get it," she said. "Everyone knows."

"Knows what? We weren't together," Maura said, her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"I know. What I meant is that everyone knows how I feel about you. I mean, they pretty much knew before you left too, but it's no longer the thing everyone pretends they don't know. Like, I've had real conversations with pretty much everyone in the family. It started with just my immediate family after you left – Ma, Frankie, and Tommy, and Nina, I guess. They basically just called me out on my shit. They were like, 'stop pretending that you only cared about Maura as a friend or like a sister because this isn't how someone usually reacts to losing their friend, even their best friend.'

"Your mom actually brought it up after the girls were born. She came to Boston and stayed for a few weeks, and I talked to her about some things. It felt like there were some things she could understand better than others because she was an adoptive mother too, especially when Hope was trying to take the girls away. Eventually, she just straight up asked if we had been together. Obviously, I told her no, but I was exhausted and emotional, and well…word vomit is probably the best description of what happened next."

Maura smiled at Jane's choice of words. "And you talked to the girls about it too?" she asked.

"Only once, which is why I was so surprised that they remembered what I told them," Jane explained. "I mean, I told them that I loved you all the time but like, in general terms. But after Stephanie and I broke up, I had to have a long conversation with the kids about why she wouldn't be around anymore and how sometimes relationships end. They kept asking questions, and I committed myself to always being truthful with them a long time ago, so when they asked about you, I answered honestly."

Maura pushed herself off her elbows and leaned forward to pull Jane into a loving kiss. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered against Jane's lips. Jane threaded her fingers into Maura's hair as she tried to pour everything she was feeling into their next kiss. She was slightly disappointed when Maura stopped them from going further and returned to her position lying against Jane's chest.

"Sophie and I never talked about my love life," Maura admitted softly. Jane wrapped both of her arms around Maura as she realized that Maura was going to share with her now. "I mean, we talked about how families can look different, but we never talked about me specifically – not that there was much to tell.

"I talked about you all the time, but not in a romantic way. I do think that had she asked when she was a little older, I would have told her the truth," Maura whispered against Jane's chest as her fingers played with the hem of Jane's shirt. "I didn't have any serious relationships while I was gone. I didn't even date while I was pregnant with Emma and Finn. I tried to date once I was placed in Utah, but I couldn't let myself get close to anyone. I was too scared. I was scared of being hurt, but I was even more scared of getting close to someone and losing them like I lost you. I had a number of sexual partners, both men and women. Obviously, since I got pregnant again, and I know you've always known that I've been with men and women in the past."

"Can I ask you something?" Jane said quietly.

"Anything."

"When you told me about Sophie's father, you said he wasn't violent or physically abusive to either of you, but you only said he wasn't verbally abusive to Sophie. I haven't been able to get that out of my head."

"I-I…well, I don't really know what to tell you," Maura said weakly. "It's not that I don't want to tell you. Nothing terrible happened."

"Maura…" Jane started.

"No, I know what you're going to say, and I didn't mean it like that. I know that no amount of abuse – physical, emotional, or verbal – is acceptable. Ultimately, that's why he's no longer in either of our lives. The things he would say…they were all true. I was emotionally unavailable, I was often cold and distant, and I didn't want to do a lot of the things he wanted to do. But the thing was, after we would argue, I would often think about you."

Jane flinched. "What?!" she exclaimed.

"No, wait, you didn't let me finish," Maura said quickly, grabbing onto Jane's arm to calm her. "I didn't mean that the way you took it. Quite the opposite in fact." Maura felt Jane's body relax slightly underneath her. Maura shifted so that she could make eye contact with Jane. "You tell me the truth," she explained, "but when you do, you never make me feel bad. Even if you're telling me something I did wrong or something you don't like, you still always make me feel loved and safe. That was the difference."

Jane's eyes searched Maura's face, and she could see the truth behind Maura's words. Jane lifted her hand to push Maura's hair off her face; she let her fingers ghost along Maura's jawline, and she smiled when Maura shivered slightly at the touch. She leaned forward to give Maura a soft kiss.

"I wouldn't say I was happy with my life, but I was happy with Sophie, if that makes sense," Maura said when they separated.

"It does," Jane said quietly. "I think that's how I felt when Emma and Finn were babies. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was happy with my life, but even then, the pain of missing you…it was always there, always threatening to overwhelm me. I don't think I could have done it without the support of all of our family, and I don't know how you did."

"I survived because I had to…because if there was even the slightest chance that I could get back to you and the girls, I had to try. And then once Sophie came along, I wanted to be the best mom I could be for her."

"You're amazing," Jane whispered as she leaned in to give Maura another kiss.

Maura hummed into the kiss. "I love you so much," she mumbled against Jane's lips.

"I love you, too," Jane replied as Maura returned to her position lying against Jane's chest, and Jane left a light kiss on the top of Maura's head. They drifted into a comfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts as they enjoyed their closeness.

"I was thinking that we should get Sophie a bed tomorrow," Jane said after a while.

"What did you have in mind?" Maura asked, apparently unphased by the change in topic.

"I guess my first thought was just to get the same bed as Harper has. It's from IKEA," Jane replied, "but if you want something nicer, we could go to whatever furniture store you want."

"She doesn't need something nicer than Harper," Maura said with a frown. "As long as it's safe…"

"Of course, it's safe," Jane interrupted. "Do you really think I would put any of our kids in an unsafe bed?"

"No, Jane, don't be ridiculous," Maura chided, giving Jane a playful swat on the arm. "I would never think that. Anyway, I think we should just get the same bed. The kids will be excited about it, and it will look good in the room."

"Okay, so do you want to brave IKEA with four kids tomorrow?" Jane quipped.

"You make that sound daunting."

"Have you ever been to an IKEA?"

"No. Why?"

"Let's just say, it's an experience. It'll be fun though. Hopefully, we'll come home with the same four kids we left with."

"Jane!" Maura tried to scold, but her laughter gave her away.

"The place is huge."

"Well, you know my love of shopping," Maura teased.

Jane laughed. "Yeah, you and all the kids…wait, ugh, we forgot to go to Target," Jane said as the memory of their conversation from a few days ago popped into her head.

Maura giggled at Jane's exasperation. "We'll figure it out," she said as she sat up again, this time lying on top of Jane. She captured Jane's lips in a bruising kiss, her intentions clear.

"Mhmmm," Jane moaned into the kiss as her hands slipped under Maura's top. She slid her hands up Maura's back, coming around to cup her breasts.

Maura moved so that she was straddling Jane, her hips moving slowly against Jane's as they continued to make-out.

Just as Maura started to move her kisses down Jane's neck, they heard a strangled cry of "Mama!" from the other room.

They both froze, their eyes locking as another teary call of "Mama!" floated down the hall.

"Finn," Jane whispered fearfully as she quickly but gently slipped out from under Maura and hurried down the hall to Emma and Finn's room.

Finn was sitting up in bed, crying hard when Jane opened the door. She instantly held out her arms for Jane. Jane gathered her up in her arms, sitting on the bed, holding Finn close.

"It's okay, baby," Jane cooed as she rubbed comforting circles on Finn's back. "It was just a dream. You're okay. I'm right here."

"You left," Finn choked out through her tears.

"Is that what your nightmare was about?" Jane asked quietly. Her heart broke at her daughter's pain. Emma climbed out of her bed and into Finn's, and Jane wrapped her arms around both of them, holding them tightly against her.

Finn nodded against her chest, and Jane glanced to the doorway where Maura was standing, listening to their conversation.

"I'm right here, okay," Jane whispered before placing a featherlight kiss on the top of Finn's head.

"Can we sleep with you?" Finn mumbled into Jane's chest.

"Yeah, you guys can sleep with me and mommy," Jane said, unsure if the girls realized that Maura had been sleeping in her room, but since they didn't react, she decided to just go with it. "Let's go," she said, standing up with Finn in her arms. "Grab your puppy," she said to Emma as she stood to follow them.

"Bunny," Finn whined. Jane leaned over to grab the pink bunny from under Finn's covers and handed it to her. Finn buried her face against Jane, and Jane rubbed her back as she carried her out of the room.

Just as Jane closed the door to Emma and Finn's room, Harper and Sophie's door opened. Jane was honestly surprised that they hadn't come out before now since Finn's cry must have awoken them.

"Us too?" Harper asked as she stuck her head into the hallway.

Jane chuckled. "Yeah, you guys too," she said. "Come on." Jane's eyes found Maura's as they made their way back to the master bedroom, and they shared a soft smile.

Maura helped Harper and Sophie up onto the bed while Jane sat down with Finn. Jane laid down with Finn still in her arms and Emma next to her. Harper settled between Sophie and Emma, and Maura was bookending the four kids between them.

"Goodnight," Jane whispered as she turned off the light, and she was met with a cacophony of "Goodnights" from Maura and the girls as they settled in for the night.