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Chapter 26

Christian

"Hello?"

"Holy shit!"

I pull the phone away from my ear as Mia's squeals send pangs through it. "I can't believe this song! Who knew Ana was a little Grammy-maker this whole time? Wait, did you know?"

"No."

"Did you listen yet?"

"No. I haven't checked my email. And I'm on my way to a meeting." That's not entirely the truth. I've read the email four times. I just haven't been able to make myself hit the links yet.

"Your mind is going to be b-l-o-w-n."

"I have to go, Mia."

"Great, I'm going to go listen to this song 600 more times." I shake my head in amusement and hang up.

I pull up my emails again, reading through Ana's message once more.

From: Anastasia Grey
Subject: Explanations and Revelations
Date: May 1 2017 10:27
To: Carrick Grey, Christian Grey, Elliot Grey, Katherine Grey, Mia Grey, Grace Trevelyan-Grey

Hi everyone,

I'm sure this will come as a bit of a surprise to most of you, but I felt I owed you all an explanation for the photos that were taken last weekend.

There has been speculation in the media surrounding my involvement with Ezra Thomas, who is a music producer. I don't want there to be any more secrets between all of us, so I want to address this head-on. The truth is, we are friends and colleagues. As Kate already knows, given that she is the one who introduced us, I have been working with Ezra.

In recent years, I had been taking piano and guitar lessons, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Over the last year, I found some peace in writing, and eventually, I started thinking up melodies for what I wrote. It was a shock to me, probably just as much as it is to you, that I found great solace in writing songs. Recently, the esteemed Kate Kavanaugh-Grey found one of my notebooks, and in true journalist fashion, asked lots of questions. I played her a song, she introduced me to Ezra, and the rest is history. The photos taken in Los Angeles were of Ezra and I leaving a live performance at a music club (after which, I twisted my ankle and needed to be carried).

I'm equally excited and nervous to inform you that our first collaboration is coming out this Friday. You are all special to me, so I wanted you to be the first to hear it. Attached are the original voice memo I recorded on my phone that I sent to Ezra and our final version that we created in studio. If you have any questions, I'm happy to talk. I know this is probably the last thing you expected to hear from me today, or ever.

Thanks for hearing me out and please no rush to listen.

All the best,
Ana

I unconsciously trace her signature with my finger. Good God, Grey. It's been over five years and you're still a lovesick fool.

I was astonished when she was present yesterday morning, and even more so when she asked for my advice regarding this matter. It gave me a moment of hope. But that hope was quickly replaced with confusion after the way she bolted, her mood seeming to turn on a dime.

Flynn explained that Ana would likely have trust issues and that our communication would not be a roller coaster that only goes up. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. There's been radio silence from her ever since I asked if we could try couples counseling. I know she said she'd think about it, but I'm struggling to be patient. I have to stop myself from calling her or just showing up at the house every single night. The last thing I want to do is push too hard and end up pushing her farther away.

It's a conundrum. Entirely of your own making. I'm relieved that my family is at least on board with my intention to fix our relationship.

All except one.

"We're here, sir." Taylor pulls me out of my thoughts.

"Thank you, Taylor." I step out of the car and head into the office building housing the headquarters of the Seattle Times.

Kate is waiting for me in the lobby. She gives me a barely contained stink eye and motions for me to follow her to a conference room. She closes the door behind us and takes a seat. I follow suit.

"Thank you for agreeing to this meeting," I begin.

"I'm very excited to have the opportunity to chew your ass out with no one around to tell me not to," she says coolly. "Now what the fuck do you want?"

I clear my throat. "To say that I've made mistakes is an understatement–"

"Yeah, no shit."

I rein in my flaring temper. How does Elliot put up with this woman? "—but I'm trying to do the right thing now. All I want is to attempt to make up for what I've done. All I want is to make Ana happy. You are important to her, so I was hoping you'd give me the opportunity to explain my side of things."

"You can try, but if you think you have a valid excuse for the shit you put her through, I'd think again."

I fold my hands in front of me on the table. "Does the name Elena Lincoln mean anything to you?"

"Pedophile bitch that used to be friends with the Greys. Ana mentioned her once or twice, not fondly. What about her?"

"Long story short, Elena is the one who introduced me to BDSM. Or at least, what she said was BDSM. I now realize it was simply abuse of power."

Kate's face goes completely white. "H-how old were you?" she stutters.

"Fifteen."

She lets out a breath and looks down at the table. "Fuck," she mutters. She's quiet for several moments before looking back up at me. "What does this have to do with the last year? She's in prison."

"I have always known that Ana was too good for me, from the moment I laid eyes on her. But after hearing the news about Elena… I was consumed with guilt that I hadn't come forward and there were other victims. So, I withdrew. It was idiotic, irresponsible, and it might have cost me the single greatest thing in my life, but I was convinced I was doing the right thing. I couldn't make myself leave her, so I tried to… drive her away." I swallow and try to calm my breathing. Even though I've recounted this story a few times at this point, it never gets easier to choke out.

Kate groans and puts her head into her hands, braced against the table with her elbows. "Jesus. Fuck, Christian." Oh, so now it's first names? "Of all the shit I was expecting to spew from your mouth today, that was not it. Does Elliot know this? He's been worried sick about you."

"I told everyone on Saturday morning."

"Oh, yeah, Elliot mentioned brunch. Ana?"

I swallow again, my throat feeling tight and dry. "No. There hasn't been a good opportunity. It's not something I can just… I want to do it in the right environment. When we spoke, I asked her to consider couples counseling, and she said she would, but she hasn't notified me of a decision yet."

Kate nods slowly, then gets a glint in her eye and leans back in her chair, folding her arms over her chest. "Did you get the email?"

"Yes."

"So, you've heard her."

"No."

"You haven't listened?"

"I haven't had a chance."

She scoffs. "Bullshit. I knew this would happen."

"Knew what would happen?" Irritation is seeping into my voice and I don't bother to filter it.

"You're not supportive. She's finally, for once in her life, doing something for her, something that she wants, and I guarantee that if you somehow get another shot with her, you'll end up trying to control her again."

She wants to talk about spewing shit? "Of course I'm fucking supportive! I want her to be happy. If this makes her happy, I want that."

"You might actually think that's true now, because you're desperate to get her back, but we both know that if you were really excited for her, you'd have caused a car crash trying to open that email."

"Or perhaps I didn't want to play something that Ana trusted me to keep private in front of my fucking staff."

"She told me what you did, you know. The day she got back from LA. You wouldn't even let her in the apartment because she did something you didn't like. As soon as she crosses whatever line you've drawn in your head, you'll just discard her. Or even if I give you the benefit of the doubt, let's say you start feeling inadequate again, for whatever reason. You'll still end up breaking her heart."

"No," I growl. "I was reactive that day, I admit that, but I'm not making that mistake again."

"Do you know what the worst part is? I actually trusted you to make her happy. Joke's on me. I thought she was wrong when she didn't tell you about—" She abruptly stops talking.

I narrow my eyes at her. "About what?"

"Nothing. She just went through a lot that she didn't mention to you because she was trying to protect your feelings. It's not my shit to tell." I freeze as the dots connect. The pregnancy. Her postpartum depression. Kate doesn't seem to notice my grim realization and continues talking. "The point is, I thought you could actually make her happy. I thought she was safe with you. Against all odds, you'd turned out to be an attentive, loving husband, and a pretty damn good father, too. And just as I start to think that, it all goes to shit.

"Do you know what it was like with her that night? The night she asked you for the separation, after you took off? I came over when I heard the news about your little secretary leaving your office half-dressed, and do you know what she said when I told her? She said it didn't matter. She already knew she'd lost you. All the light in her eyes was gone, it was like she was alive only in the most technical of terms. She barely reacted to the news that you probably cheated on her because her heart was already broken. There was nothing left to react with.

"But thank God I was snooping around and I found that notebook. She came alive again when she played that song for me. I knew it was outside of her comfort zone, but I needed to try and show her how special she was. That's why I brought Ezra over. And it turns out they're a match made in musical heaven, because that song she sent us is beyond words." She stands up, glaring down at me. "Why exactly did you ask me to meet with you?"

"Because I wanted to clear the air. I want you to understand that I love Ana and I'll do anything to get her back. I don't want us to be enemies, we both love her."

"You want to get into my good graces, Grey? Don't kill her dreams. Things are about to change, probably in ways that will make a control freak like you shit his pants. People are going to know her. I already know that's true, there's no way this song doesn't catapult her places. I think you need to ask yourself what your motivations are with this. Are you trying to understand what's best for her, or are you trying to get everyone in her life on your side so we can all manipulate her into coming back to you? Because the fact that you haven't even listened to her song yet is really making me lean towards the second option. What Christian Grey wants, Christian Grey gets, and if he wanted privacy to listen to something, he'd have it before you could ask what room everyone else should hide in."

My fists are clenched and I'm staring at the wooden table, trying to slow my heart rate. You came here to extend an olive branch, not to be raked across the coals. I glance up and her eyes have softened. She's looking at me with a look that could almost be described as sympathetic.

She sighs. "Look, Christian. I actually believe that you're nuts about her. And I actually believe that you could have convinced yourself that what you did was the right thing, based on what you told me. I admit that this is more complicated than I thought. But… do her a favor and don't pursue her unless you can actually accept her for whatever she decides to be. You have to accept that, yes, other men will look at her, she will have fans, she will be more recognizable. You'll know when you hear it. You have to be okay with that. And you can't make her feel guilty for following her own arrow. If she can't have you and do the only thing that gave her comfort when you weren't around… don't bother. You'll only break her heart again."

I stand up stiffly, giving her brief eye contact. "Thank you for your time, Kate. I'll see myself out."

I stride out of the building and into the waiting car. "Escala." Taylor nods and I turn my gaze to the window.

Kate's words echo in my head and my thoughts are bombarded with images of Ana. Ana with lifeless eyes. Ana looking at me like a stranger. Ana on the cover of a magazine. Ana smiling at the cameras. Ana on a red carpet, her arms around another man. One who could handle her brilliance. One who could give her everything with confidence.

"Sir?" Taylor's voice breaks through all the commotion and I see that we're at Escala.

"Take the day off," I mutter. "Enjoy time with your wife." Someone should.

I'm swept up to the penthouse and immediately head to my office and open my laptop. I hover my cursor over the attachment to her song for I don't know how long before I finally click. And once I do, I'm lost in a gentle piano melody, caressed by Ana's sweet voice. A voice I've never heard, but at the same time, would recognize anywhere.

Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing

Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing

But I knew you
Dancing in your Levi's
Drunk under a streetlight, I
I knew you
Hand under my sweatshirt
Baby, kiss it better, I

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
When you are young, they assume you know nothing

But I knew you
Playing hide-and-seek and
Giving me your weekends, I
I knew you
Your heartbeat on the High Line
Once in twenty lifetimes, I

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

To kiss in cars and downtown bars
Was all we needed
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleeding

'Cause I knew you
Stepping on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy, I
I knew you
Leaving like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
Chasing shadows in the grocery line
I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired
And you'd be standing in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me
You'd come back to me
And you'd come back to me
And you'd come back

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite

The music has faded away long before I can form a coherent thought. I look down and see teardrops on my desk.

Kate is right. Ana deserves this. Ana was made for this. Ana wants this. If I want her, I have to want every part of her to flourish. I have to be okay with that, no matter how it challenges my insecurities. And at the very least, in this moment, I am. And I want to be.

Kate said not to bother if she can't have both. I said I won't make the same mistakes.

I pick up my phone. It rings three times before he picks up. "John. I need an extra one this week."

A/N: Christian likes it. He wants Ana to do this. Will he be able to keep up that mindset?

I'm sure most people know this song, cardigan by Taylor Swift, off of her album called folklore. I picked it because it was a highly successful single, I cried the first time I listened to it, and it portrays pain so beautifully, but it's subtle. It's not specifically calling out Christian. And I think it's highly ambivalent, which Ana is at this point. I think it sets the tone for the kind of magical, poetic, emotional music that I see Ana writing.

By the way, on this song, Taylor Swift said that she thinks this couple ended up together in the end, but he really put her through it. ;)