"Untie us!" Lee snapped, spit flying from his lips as he tugged at the ties around his wrists.
"Bones, stay with them," Cap ordered, pulling her gun and heading through the door, following after Sammy and Luna with Angel at her heels.
"Dammit!" Lee yelled, "Sammy!"
"Shut up!" Bones hissed, pointing a finger at Lee. "If you wanna help, keep your trap shut."
Lee pressed his lips together, his face beet red and fuming. He glanced over at Barney, who was watching him with a steady glare, brows drooped heavy over his knowing eyes. Bones pulled a switchblade out of her pocket and flicked up the blade, glancing around the room at the men.
"I will start untying you," she said, motioning to each of them with the point of the knife. "But remember that we're on the same side. Keep your mouths shut."
Gunner held out his hands and she cut the ties in one swift motion. He rolled out his wrists while she did the same for Yang. Then she made her way behind Caesar and freed his hands, then Toll, then Barney, and then Lee.
"Sh," Caesar said, pressing his finger to his lips and looking around. They all listened carefully to the engines rumbling not far beyond the walls they were sheltered within. Bones wrapped her fingers around the door handle and listened intently, her switchblade clasped tight in her other palm.
The sound eventually started to fade, but the hairs on the back of her neck were standing, and her gut was telling her to hold still. Apparently the guys were all thinking the same thing, because not even Lee dared to speak yet. Another few minutes passed before Bones glanced back at Barney and decided to pull open the door.
—-
Sammy had already been considering running out of the room when the sound of the approaching trucks gave her the excuse she needed. Maggie was braced in front of the laptop and calling out for Captain, one hand already reaching to pull her gun from the back of her pants.
"We got company," she said when Sammy and Luna rounded the corner. "Looks like they're doing their own recon."
"How close?" Luna asked.
"Definitely closer than I'd like."
Sammy tensed. None of this was right. Cap and Angel hurried into the front room and glanced at the monitor. They were quiet while they watched the trucks drive by in the darkness, tires snapping twigs and flattening dirt beneath them.
"Something definitely got their attention," Cap whispered, glancing towards the front door. "Angel, get the big guns ready."
Angel nodded and moved swiftly towards their stash. She was sorting through them expertly, pushing aside everything they had gathered from the men into its own pile. She flicked her hair off of her face and chewed on her lower lip. She always hated the build up to the action.
"Wait-" Cap said, holding a finger in the air as she bent closer to the screen. "I think they're leaving."
"What the-" Luna started, her words trailing off and fizzling into the air around them.
The trucks continued on down the road, moving slowly by their hideout without any pause. Captain frowned and shifted, glancing around the room like she was missing something.
"What's down that way?" She asked, looking over to the photographs. There were a few satellite images of the area and Sammy snagged one from the wall and studied it.
"Air field," she said, turning the satellite image around to show them. "They're moving something."
"We should follow," Captain said. "If our target is leaving there's no reason for us to stick around."
"This entire goddamn mission is going belly-up," Angel said, snapping a clip into her gun and slinging it over her shoulder. "I'm gonna need a nice long vacation after this."
"Yeah, then don't get killed," Cap grunted, moving by her to collect her own weapons.
"I would never," Angel smirked, winking at Sammy once Cap was out of view. Sammy looked back down at the image and sighed. The airfield was bordered by a steep cliff on one side that dropped down into a rough river. This was turning into one hell of a first mission.
"They're gone?" Bones asked suddenly, and Sammy turned to see her standing in front of the Expendables, all untied and stiffened for a fight. She swallowed hard and noticed Lee watching her.
"They kept heading out," Maggie said. "We're following. There's an airfield down that way."
"Sounds like something spooked 'em," Barney said, crossing his arms and taking in the sight of their arsenal.
"Probably you," Bones grunted, shaking her head and heading to gear up. Barney huffed and followed after her.
Lee took a step towards Sammy. His mouth opened and closed a few times, his words forming and fizzling on his tongue.
"Alright, let's get our gear-"
"Sammy," Lee said, finally snapping back to his senses and closing the distance between them. She searched his eyes and remembered the way he had studied her at the beginning of everything.
"No," she said, shaking her head, and the resolve in her voice surprised her.
He hesitated, a few thoughts crossing his face as they flew through his mind. She could read them there, the fear, the heartache, the doubt- but she steadied herself and drew in a breath.
"Sammy, I'm sorry," he said, squaring himself off in front of her. "I'm sorry. Is that what- is that what you need to hear?"
She couldn't help the anger that boiled over within her. She couldn't help the way her muscles tensed and the way her tears stung at her eyes.
"What I needed," she said, her nose wrinkling as she watched him, "was support. Was love. Was-"
"I was trying," he said. "When you needed another job, I helped. When you needed to get to New York, I helped. When you needed somebody to be there for you I helped- you didn't talk or eat or move for days and I stayed-"
"And if you could have it your way, I'd be that way right now," she said.
"No," he said, tightening his hands into fists. "No, I just want you safe. I'm-"
He stopped and looked at her. There was a silent message between them. Lee was begging her to understand.
"You're what, Lee?"
He looked down and sucked in his cheek.
"I'm terrified to lose you, alright?" He said, shaking his head. "I've never been so goddamn afraid in my life. And I was angry that you kept putting yourself in danger, that you kept walking towards the fight instead of towards me-"
"You are the fight, Lee," she said. "You're an Expendable. You wear that word on your skin like it's nothing. It's not nothing, Lee. You think you have no worth, that you're a pawn, but you aren't."
"You woke me up, Sammy," he said desperately. "You're worth more than this-"
"You don't get to decide what I do-"
"I can't let anything happen to you-"
"The only thing that happened to me was you," she said with an air of finality. "You, Lee. You brought my sister into this. Riley."
"I know," he said, and there was genuine shame there. "I know, and I would take it back if I could."
"You know just how to hurt me," she went on. "You know what buttons to press and what names to drop and I gave you all of me, dammit, every ounce of who I am. And you used it against me because the decision I made wasn't what you wanted."
"I only want you," he said. "I've never loved anybody this way. Don't you know how terrifying that is? Knowing the person you'd die for is putting themself in trouble?"
"I do," she said. "Or did you forget already?"
"Forget?" He asked.
"That I watched you leave on jobs, watched you leave me behind- I watched you get shot-"
Her voice broke and she looked away for a split second. He could read the pain in her eyes as clear as day. Her cheeks burned bright red and she tried to shake the thoughts and the feelings out of her mind. He could feel the memory of that day slamming into him, too. The stabbing, relentless pain burning in his shoulder. The crash of his body onto the sidewalk, skin scraping against cement. The overwhelming fear that Sammy would be lying dead beside him. It had taken him a long time to pry his eyes open because he was so afraid.
"Sammy-"
"You keep saying that you can't lose me but what about what I can't lose?" Her voice was steadily climbing, reaching a fever pitch. "I can't lose one more person that I love or else there won't be anything left of me to put back together. Did it ever occur to you that- that- that this was all because of you?"
Lee paused. That fear he felt when he thought about her getting shot at, that icy dread that had lived within him since she announced she was leaving- he had never considered that it was exactly how she felt about him, too. That none of this had been about Riley's lost chances. That all of it was set into motion that night he had broken his beers and took her up on her offer to drink together. That she wasn't fighting off her grief, she was preparing herself to hold onto the thing that was keeping the grief at bay.
"If you died," she went on, stepping closer to him, tears slipping from her eyes, "the last part of me that's been clinging to life, clinging to hope- it would die with you. I would die with you, Lee."
He blinked and looked down at her. She'd lost her sister while she was nearly across the country. Of course she would be afraid to lose him the same way. He was always across the world picking fights and dodging bullets. It wasn't her that was Riley. It was him.
"You're terrified to lose what you love so you push it away," she snapped, trembling with anger and pain. "But what about the people that love you? Dammit! If I was gonna lose you, I had to make sure I would be there next to you. I refused to show up late to another goodbye."
"Sammy, I'm not-" He tried, his voice breaking and dissipating as it hit the air. He felt like he had been punched in the gut. He wasn't sure how to stave off that pain.
"But then you didn't show up. You let your fear of losing me push us apart."
Lee felt his own tears building up behind his eyes. He wanted to reach out and hold her. He wanted to say he was sorry and that it would be okay. He wanted to feel her, but there was an invisible wall between them, one that he knew he wouldn't be able to break through even if he tried.
"I couldn't ask you to stop being who you are," she said, taking a step back. "But all you could do was ask me to be who you thought I was. I'm not broken. I never was broken. You thought it was scary to think I was gonna die? Try living with the fact that you know the person you love above everything else in the entire world will die and there's not a damn thing you could do about it."
"I'm sorry," he tried again. The image of Riley laying motionless under the bare hospital sheets flashed in his mind's eye.
"The only person I could ever kill is myself, right?" She asked, angrily wiping at her cheeks and backing up towards the women as they silently gathered their weapons.
Lee felt his heart lurch and he stared after her as she turned away and started pulling on her gear. He could feel Barney's eyes burning against the back of his neck but he couldn't force himself to look away from Sammy. A tear slipped down his cheek and he didn't move to wipe it away. How had he been so dense? How had he let himself be so blinded by his own fear? Part of being a soldier was conquering fear. When had he forgotten how to do that?
Barney clamped a hand over Lee's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Lee didn't look back. He knew it was Barney, and he knew what he was gonna say. They had a job to do. He could have his feelings when it was done and everyone was safe. He wasn't sure he could compartmentalize it all, though. Not when Sammy was right there in front of him pulling on a tactical vest and slinging a rifle over her shoulder. Not when she had a holster full of throwing knives on her hip where his hand should have been, holding her against him, keeping her close.
He felt like this was some kind of sick curse. The only way to have kept her safe would have been to never love her. Never having the privilege to love her would be just as bad as losing her, he figured. He wasn't the same person he was months ago. That ghost, pale and pasty under the midnight sun, stalking through the shadows with a knife in his fist- that version of Lee Christmas was gone. He knew it, Barney knew it, and Sammy knew it too.
Sammy wasn't the same, either. They'd changed each other. They were like planets orbiting the same sun, doomed to eternal eclipse.
—-
Sammy sat in the quiet as she checked her gun for the millionth time. She balanced it in her hands, felt the weight against her skin. She tested the scope, made small adjustments, and gritted her teeth while she waited for the rest of the group to be ready. She felt empty. Numb. The only thing she could focus on was the weight of the extra bullets in her pockets.
"We should split up," Cap said, clearing her throat and looking up towards Barney. They had all been fairly quiet since the fight. "A group as big as us would be noticed in a second."
"Right," Barney grunted, fastening his gun belt and slipping his thumbs into the loops of his pants. He looked between his team and the women.
"Me and Maggie and you," Cap said, looking him up and down. "Bones, Angel, and Lee."
Barney nodded. She was trying to minimize the tension. Lee would be fine, Barney knew, even though his aim tended to suffer when he was all emotional and in his head.
"Sammy, Luna, and Toll."
Toll hopped off the table he was sitting on and nodded. He knew Lee would murder him if anything happened to Sammy while they were on a team.
"Gunner, Caesar, and Yang," Barney finished, motioning to the last three.
Cap locked and loaded her gun and nodded, looking over the sad gaggle before her. Hopefully this was all just a false alarm and they'd be sleeping it off come the morning. She had a feeling it wouldn't be that simple, though. She stretched out a hand to Barney and he looked down at it for a second, confused. She raised her brows and waited and eventually he took it.
"I got your six," she said firmly, glancing around.
"Back at ya," he said gruffly, nodding in silent agreement. Both of their eyes had fallen to Lee and Sammy. Lee was brandishing some knives with a vacant look on his face. Sammy had made it a point to keep her back turned to him.
"Keep it quiet," Cap said, letting Barney's hand fall. He noted the double meaning in her words. She looked over to Bones and Angel. "Radio in if you see anything or if you need anything. Sammy, you and Luna and Toll take the high ground. Try and get them in your sights and report what you see."
Sammy nodded, hefting her pack over shoulders and moving closer to the door. Toll hurried to meet her and nodded to Luna. The rest of the guys watched on.
Gunner wanted to say something. He wanted to hug her. He wanted to remind her that she could get through it. He even wanted to tell her that he had never known Lee to love somebody so much that he'd openly admit to it being a weakness. Sure, the guy had always been brutally honest and some could make the argument for emotional, but it was different with Sammy. It was different with Sammy for all of them. He remembered holding her there under the freezing cold shower water, her body on the brink of lifelessness in his arms, and the way that Lee had looked at him and taken her and held her. Gunner hadn't touched the drugs since then. He wanted to. Everyday was a struggle and more often than not he'd fantasize about getting high. He'd fade out and imagine the empty bliss. Then he would remind himself of the crash and the way her skin was empty and drained as the drugs tried to suck the life right out of her. He would remind himself of the ice cold water and the vomit in the drain and the punches he took from Lee because it was almost his fault that she died. He would remind himself that maybe he didn't have somebody equivalent to Lee in his own life, but dying as a cold and sweaty shell of the man he used to be wasn't how he wanted to go. Sammy had made a difference in his life and he could feel her slipping away from them. He wanted to pick Lee up and shake him but he also wanted to just make it right. He would reverse time if he could.
He cleared his throat and looked down at his bowie knife. It hadn't been too long ago that he was in charge of keeping Sammy safe. In his mind, he would always be that person. It gave him a sick feeling to know she was decorated for war and he'd be paces away from her.
Sammy and Luna headed out with Toll at their heels. He glanced back at the guys and caught their eyes one by one. Lee was the last. He offered him a strained nod, but Lee just watched as still as a statue. The door closed behind them, and Toll knew the fight was on.
—-
The jungle made a lot of sounds at night. Creaks and groans. The occasional cry of its heartbeat, a trilling call and response. The stars were so clear in the sky it almost felt fake, or maybe like a dream that was just out of reach. It was as though, at any second, gravity could turn off and they'd be falling out into the universe towards all the stars and planets and asteroids and nothingness. The air was crisp and clean. Humid, but not the way New Orleans was; the city was muggy, bogged down and pressurized with civilization. The jungle was revitalizing. Cleansing. The sweat stuck to Sammy's skin in a way that was almost sweet. It didn't feel dirty or gross; it felt natural. Primal.
"Hey," Luna said, her voice low. Sound carried when there wasn't much else around. Sammy looked over to her and waited expectantly for what she knew would come.
Luna bit her lip. She didn't want to put Sammy in an awkward position, but she had to know.
"Are you gonna be alright for this?" She asked.
Sammy couldn't help herself. She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back forward. Toll had taken the lead, but she could tell he was listening.
"I'm just fine," Sammy said eventually. Her boots crunched softly against the dirt beneath them with every step. She had cried all the tears she would let herself have until the job was done. She had people relying on her, and while she maybe was a lot of things, she wasn't unreliable. Even her mother would have to agree to that. She got her check from Sammy like clockwork, always just more than she could spare, until there wasn't any need for the money anymore because Riley was dead.
Sammy wasn't afraid to die. It wasn't something she was actively seeking out; maybe idly. She'd admit to possibly seeking death out idly. If she happened upon it by accident, she didn't think she'd be all too upset. She just wasn't planning on feasting on a bullet served al dente with a side of brain matter. She just wasn't afraid.
She could hear the distant rush of the river in the distance and breathed in the sound. It vibrated in her chest. She felt connected to it. Her entire life she felt like she was trying to break the surface of rushing water. Time and memories and milestones were rushing by her in a flash flood and she couldn't get her head up long enough to breathe it all in. She had been drowning for years. Forever, maybe. For as long as she knew.
Her earpiece crackled to life and the garble of a voice breaking through interrupted the sound of nature around them.
"This is Captain," the voice said. "We're in place. Nothing yet. How're our eyes in the sky?"
"On our way," Luna said, glancing sidelong at Sammy and then forward towards Toll. "Nearly there. Didn't see anything on the way."
"All's quiet on the western front," Bones said.
"We are good," Yang said.
"Hey, why does he get to say it?" Gunner fussed.
"Because I said it first," Yang said.
"But I get better signal up here," Gunner said. Sammy could picture him looking down at Yang with a smug grin. She couldn't help but smile to herself.
"Too slow."
"Alright ladies, keep the line quiet," Captain said, a hint of a chuckle in her voice. "Dial in if there's anything strange. Watch each other's backs."
"You too, Cap," Luna said.
The three of them trudged over a small hill and made it to the lookout point. They had a good view of the open airfield and the drop into the river. Sammy made quick work of setting herself up with her scope, laying flat on her belly as she examined the world around them. Luna and Toll squatted beside her and Toll rubbed some dirt between the pads of his fingers. He didn't say anything, but Sammy could tell that he was thinking about everything that had happened.
"If you have something to say, just say it," she growled.
Toll caught his breath and glanced up at Luna. She shrugged.
"He loves you," Toll said.
"He doesn't know what he loves," Sammy replied coldly, scanning the opening below them carefully. She wasn't spotting anything.
Toll pressed his lips together and sighed. Maybe she was right, but that didn't mean he was wrong. She was hurting, he got that, but she was also making things harder on herself.
"He knew enough to drag us all out here," Toll said.
Sammy was tempted to roll her eyes but refrained. Of course she'd get stuck with the only Expendable smart enough to seek out therapy.
"You love him," he said, scanning the area around them as he spoke.
Sammy frowned. Of course she loved him. But she was angry. He had let it all blow up and end because he was so afraid of Sammy becoming like him. He had been more willing to walk away than talk it out. She knew she wasn't guilt-free, but how much of a say was he supposed to get in her life and her decisions anyway?
"Things change," she said half-heartedly.
"So they do," Toll sighed with a shake of his head. "But not these things. Not so quickly. You're only at each other's throats like this because you love each other so damn much."
"No, we're at each other's throats because he thinks I'm just trying to kill myself," she snapped. "And if you don't mind-"
"Is he so wrong to be worried?" Toll asked.
Sammy blinked.
"You lost your sister and tried to off yourself in Tool's bathroom," he said, and Luna spared him a surprised glance. He shook it off. "Then you saw him get shot. Then you saw the man that was trying to kill him get gunned down. Then you took care of Lee until he was better. That's trauma. Of course he's worried."
"That's not what this is," she whispered.
"What is it?" He asked.
"It's… a second chance," she tried.
"Most people wouldn't choose this as their second chance," he said skeptically.
"I don't think I chose it," she said, keeping her hands steady, "I think it was always here and waiting for me. I think I would've ended up somewhere like this anyway."
"If you're so sure," he said, unconvinced.
"I'm not trying to kill myself," she said, a bit more strongly. "I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be honest with myself."
"And what about your art?"
"What about it?"
"Was that not honesty?"
Sammy thought for a moment. Then she sighed and looked over to him, catching his eye.
"That was another lifetime," she said sadly. "It's a piece of the puzzle. It's just another thing. Maybe we aren't supposed to have just one destiny. Maybe we can have as many as we want. I didn't sell my soul to art. I don't owe it my whole entire life."
"This profession here, though?" Toll said, shaking his head and prying his eyes away from hers. She turned back to her scope. "This profession requires selling your soul. It requires your whole entire life."
They were quiet for a minute. None of them were catching on to any movement.
Toll was right. Sammy wasn't trying to kill herself, she was just trying to chip off whatever was left of her soul. Maybe Lee would love whatever was left after that, but she wasn't sure if she could.
Captain's voice broke through the silence again.
"We got movement near the edge of the field. Looks like a small group with a hostage."
Sammy focused down on the makeshift soldiers and her finger straightened besides the trigger. She sucked in her cheeks and tried to imagine a target on the other end of her scope and not human flesh.
"What are they doing?" Luna whispered.
"Are we sure this isn't a trap?" Bones asked.
"Looks like an execution to me," Gunner said.
"I've got a shot. It looks like they're getting ready to-"
"Wait, hold your fire, I don't-" Captain's voice cut out suddenly and was replaced by garbling static. Sammy hesitated, her finger stiff over the trigger, and she hardened her resolved.
"Cap?" She asked.
There was no response.
"Bones?" She tried again.
No response.
She threw Toll and Luna a nervous glance before she doubled down on her scope.
"Come in," Luna said. "Captain? Yang? Anyone?"
"This isn't right," Toll said.
They heard the shots start to go off in the distance, cutting through the rushing rhythm of the river and the night. Sammy tightened her jaw and stared forward at her target.
"What the hell?" She muttered. She watched as the man pulled out a gun and placed it against the back of the hostages head. She flinched away when he pulled the trigger.
"Definitely a trap," Luna said, taking the safety off her gun. "Sammy, you should stay here."
"No-" she started, shaking her head and trying to scramble to her feet.
"Yes. We don't know what's going on."
"Luna-" she snapped, reaching for her wrist. "We're a team-"
"No, Gogh," she said, yanking her hand away. "I'm your superior and this is an order. You've never been in a close up field situation before. You're staying right here on the scope."
Sammy pressed her lips together and watched as Luna and Toll hurried back into the dense foliage. The gunfire was still raging in the distance.
She was angry.