At the penthouse, Effie finally dropped her armor and surrendered to her pack of cigarettes. The whole thing with Finnick and Stella St. Claire had drained the last bit of her energy and resolve left. She has been right. It's been a very long season…long and agonizing. With every puff of smoke, she hopes that it will carry the pain and weight of everything in her chest through the wind but that's just wishful thinking. It's never going away. Next year, it will be the same again. She will pick another pair of children to die in the arena and it will be just like that for the years to come. Nothing will ever change.
"Pricess…" Haymitch breathed out behind her.
She sighed. She thought he had went to his room and nurse a drink or two. She has doing her best to avoid him, to avoid being alone with him. After what happened, she does not know how to talk to him anymore.
"It's been a long day. Go to your room and rest up. I will arrange everything tomorrow for your return to Twelve", she muttered without looking at him.
Her eyes automatically closed when she felt the warmth of his hands over her shoulders.
"I miss you", he confessed.
It's rare for Haymitch Abernathy to admit his emotions and when he does, it's the truest thing she has ever heard but the damage has been done. None of them can take it back.
"That's not going to change anything, Haymitch", she sighed in defeat.
She's tired of fending him off, avoiding him. He's the only one who was able to get her through years of working as an escort. He became her source of sanity and this year has been full of insanity. Sometimes she wonders how she was able to get through it although she knows exactly how but she's not going to tell him that.
"I know how much you wanted it but I cannot give it to you, sweetheart. I cannot bear the thought of our child getting hurt because of me. No one deserves that", he tried to repeat his reason for not wanting it.
"You already told me that and I already told you that I understand", she said.
"There will be another chance for you to be a mother, princess. You're young and you're from the Capitol. I couldn't say it wouldn't hurt me but I will be happy for you. You will have little kids running around for you to spoil rotten", he replied trying to lighten up the mood.
He's not lying about being hurt at the thought. If she does move on and be with someone else, have someone else's kid, it will definitely hurt him but he will be happy for her because he knows she will be an amazing mother. He had seen how she is with the kids. She is a natural.
Effie put out her cigarette only to light up another one. She stepped forward to get out of his reach before facing him. After the entire season, she finally let him see what his decision did to her. She's exhausted, defeated, and lost.
"I am afraid that's never going to happen. The procedure, uh…the procedure messed me up. The doctor said I can't get pregnant again even if I want to. So, any thoughts about little kids running around should be dismissed immediately because it's not going to happen", she said.
He does not know that. He wanted to go with her to the clinic but she did not let him. She had sent him back to Twelve and dealt with it on her own.
"Effie…"
"That's okay. You don't have to say you're sorry. That's not your fault. It's an unexpected outcome, more to do with my biology, to be honest. Don't worry about it", she cut him off.
She's shutting him out. He knows that. She's pushing him away. Maybe it's for the best. What did he ever bring to her life other than pain and misery?
"What now?" he asked.
It's the question of the year, really. Many things run in his mind. Is she going to leave him now? Is she going to ask for a transfer? Where do they stand now?
"We keep on moving. It's the only thing we can do. Be there for the children to come. Do our jobs", she took a deep breath of her smoke before letting it out, "Haymitch, I want to go back to the way we are but I don't know how. I don't know how after that…it's just too hard. I understand why. I am not mad at you but I can't bring myself to just be…give me time", she answered.
He nodded, taking it all in. It's not an end, at least. She's not leaving. She will still be there and she needs to know that he will still be there for her, no matter what. He will wait.
"Fair enough, princess. We do it your way", he agreed.
She gave him a small smile before resuming smoking and with that, he left her there to be alone. He fought every impulse in his body to pull her into his arms and comfort her or comfort himself. She needs time to heal. He will give it to her. Whatever it is that she needs.
The next day, she accompanied him to the train station. Just like any other season, he will return with two coffins of children who died in the games. Effie had taken care of everything for him, spared him of going to interviews. All paperwork was done solely by her.
"I can stay for the Victory Tour", he said.
He wants to say that he can stay for her if she would ask him to. He wants to stay with her.
"We both know it's not your thing and I have no desire to clean up your mess for weeks after you drink yourself to oblivion", she responded with a brief smile.
At least her humor is back. Maybe hope is not lost after all. They just both need some time to rest and recuperate.
"Your loss. Parties will be boring without me to amuse you", he teased.
It made her smile even more. God, how much he missed that smile…
"Take care of yourself, Haymitch. I will see you at the next Reaping", she bid him goodbye.
"You too, princess. Please call me", he replied and went on board.