Trigger warning - alcoholism, car crash (DON'T WORRY IT'S NOT MERLIN) and references to eating disorders, miscarriage & major character death (no one dies that isn't already dead)
A long endless highway, your silence inside me, driving a nightmare I can't escape from. Helplessly praying the light isn't fading—hiding the shock and the chill in my bones. They took you away on a table, I pace back and forth and you lay still. They pull you in to feel your heartbeat, can you hear me screaming "please don't leave me".
14th February 2021
"Come on Merlin, come on stay with me" Morgana pleaded as the phone was ringing.
"999 what's your emergency?".
"Hi, it's uh my husband" Morgana answered shakily. "He has a drinking problem, he's drunk quite a lot and has passed out".
"What's his pulse like?".
"It's slow" Morgana confirmed as she checked once more. "Though he did say that it felt rather fast, like palpitations and that".
"Any shaking or abnormal breathing?".
"It's like fast and raggedy—as though he has been running in a race or something".
"Okay, can we take his name and date of birth please?".
"Merlin Emrys, sixteenth January 1994".
"And the first line of your address and postcode".
"35 William Jones, NP25".
"And you're under Avalon city hospital?".
"That's correct" Morgana confirmed.
"If we could have the rest of the address please and then we'll send out the ambulance".
"Thank you" Morgana said as she rallied the rest of the address to them. She could see Amhar and Alfie were awake on the baby monitor, though naturally was stuck between whether to go and comfort the boys or to stay with Merlin. The boys seemed fine for now so she opted to stay. "Come on Merlin, stay with me". The ambulance arrived after twenty minutes, Morgana opening the gate to allow them in and then the door.
"He's upstairs" Morgana said as she let three paramedics in, carrying supplies clad with face masks.
Morgana locked the door and led them to the bedroom while keeping an eye on the baby monitor, noticing that Alfie had begun to get upset with Amhar happily telling him "don't cry, it's okay". She was so grateful for Amhar being so good to his little brother and trying to calm him down while she sorted things out for her husband. The paramedics knelt down and pulled him in, checking his breathing and his pulse as Alfie cried louder.
"Go sort out the baby, we've got this" one of them reassured her putting a hand on her shoulder. Tears streamed down Morgana's face and she made her way to the nursery, avoiding eye contact with Amhar and sitting in the rocking chair to feed Alfie.
"Mummy sad" Amhar observed as he climbed on Morgana.
"Yeah" Morgana sighed. "Mummy's a bit sad".
"Sad with daddy cause he mad?" Amhar asked as he rubbed his head on her chest.
"Yeah sweetie" Morgana sighed.
"It's okay, mummy and daddy make up and be friends. Daddy scary when angry but not scary most of the time".
"I guess so Kiddo" Morgana sighed and ruffled his hair. After around five minutes of rocking Amhar fell asleep and she transferred him to his bed, awkwardly holding Alfie as he continued to feed and carry the toddler at the same time. Alfie did not want to be put down at all even by the time he fell asleep so Morgana ended up putting him in the Ergo and going back to the bedroom. The paramedics had asked her lots of questions like how long he'd been like that, what amount he'd drunk and other concerning factors. Merlin still hadn't woken up even after an hour and they had been there for half an hour so the decision was made to take him into hospital.
"I'd advise packing a bag with t-shirts, joggers and pyjamas and other essentials". Morgana nodded as she cupped the sleeping baby's head and grabbed his toothbrush, toothpaste, pyjamas, some wash stuff, comfortable clothing and a phone charger. Two stayed with Merlin while one headed back to the ambulance to get the stretcher used for transporting people on stairs and they took Merlin down while Morgana waited by the door with the usual stretcher and his hospital bag. They transferred Merlin over to the regular stretcher and checked his vitals one more time, attaching some ECG stickers to him. Morgana watched with tears streaming down her face and swayed side to side to keep the baby calm as she watched them take him over to the ambulance and work on him before shutting the door and getting into the front seat putting the blue lights on.
Morgana closed the door and sat on the sofa with Alfie, crying as she fed him. She couldn't believe it. Her husband having to go to hospital. Though in order to recover it was necessary for the majority of alcoholics to hit rock bottom to allow them to get their recovery underway. While Morgana wasn't an alcoholic she too had her problems and knew that rock bottom was hard though necessary in order to recover. Like when she lost the baby and stopped eating, ending up in hospital had been the wake up call. Amhar calling her mama had been another wake up call too, that she should continue to live and power through it. Morgana watched Bridgerton for a little while, finding it rather boring apart from the way they had modern day songs bard style and she decided that an early night with Alfie would be better instead. Both kids were asleep and while Alfie didn't want to be put down so she would have to go about her night routine with him on her, for the first time in while she imagined that she'd actually be able to wipe her arse in peace, something that hadn't happened in a long time. After drinking some hot chocolate and repeatedly checking the baby monitor, Morgana made her way upstairs to the bedroom to check on Amhar given that he had woken up.
"You okay buddy?" Morgana asked as she sat on his bed with him.
"Where daddy?" He asked as he tiredly rubbed his eyes.
"Daddy isn't very well, he's sick so he had to go to hospital" Morgana explained.
"Oh. Daddy be okay?".
"He will be, I'm sure he will" Morgana said.
"I don't want to sleep alone tonight mummy" Amhar said.
"Do you want to come in mummy and daddy's bed?" Morgana asked. Amhar nodded and she lifted him onto her hip and took him to the main bedroom putting the stair gate on and shutting the door, taking the blanket off the bed. "Okay, you stay here and mummy's going to the toilet".
"I'm coming too" Amhar insisted as he followed Morgana into the toilet.
"Thank you Amhar" Morgana muttered as she pulled her leggings down and sat on the toilet.
"Mummy's doing a wee" Amhar giggled.
"Yes Amhar" Morgana muttered.
"Are you going to do a poo?" Amhar asked.
"I don't know" Morgana sighed. She didn't realise that talking about toilet habits was a part in signing up for parenting.
"Now you've done a poo" Amhar announced at the sound of splashing water.
"Yes dear" Morgana muttered. "Right, mummy is done" Morgana wiped herself then flushed the toilet and washed her hands. She brushed her teeth, removed her makeup and washed her face then lay down in bed as she fed Alfie. She'd have to phone Hunith though decided to wait until Amhar was asleep. She had to put Alfie in the Next2Me again which he wasn't too happy about though tolerated in order with safe co-sleeping guidelines which involved not having multiple children in the bed. Though at least that way she could have the blankets higher than waist level and happily snuggled herself under the blanket while keeping a hand over Alfie so that he'd stay happy. After much talking from Amhar he fell asleep cuddled up to Morgana and she lay there going on her phone for a while pondering what to say. She went into her contacts, scrolled to Hunith's number and hit "FaceTime".
"Hi Morgana" Hunith greeted with a cheery smile. "How are you? Is everything okay".
"Not ... not really" Morgana admitted. "Merlin's been drinking again and ..." she broke off as she begun sobbing.
"Oh sweetheart" Hunith sighed sympathetically. "How long has it been going on?".
"I suspect it has for a few weeks ... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry".
"Sorry for what?".
"Not telling you".
"You're Merlin's wife, while I am his mother he is an adult now so he won't come to me for these sorts of things and that's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for".
"I just ... I don't know how to deal with this ... Merlin's been taken to hospital" Morgana admitted. "He had drunk some more and was angry with Amhar for not sleeping so ... he shouted and Amhar, he was so scared. I was too, so I told him to go into the bedroom while I calmed the kids down. Then he just, he couldn't stop shaking so I called an ambulance and he passed out so he had to be taken in. Oh Hunith I'm so scared".
"It's okay, Morgana. He'll be okay. Look, I'll come down in the morning to help out, okay?".
"Aren't you working though? I should let you get on with it".
"You're struggling and I'm going to come and help out. You can get through this, okay?".
"Okay" Morgana nodded tearfully.
"I'll let you know when I'm coming down, take care".
"You too" Morgana sighed and hung up. It had been almost two hours, surely he'd have some sort of news and hopefully woken up? Morgana phoned up A&E, Merlin had indeed woken up and was in a bed while awaiting a doctor. He seemed rather confused and didn't have the wifi for the hospital but hopefully would begin to make sense of things soon and contact Morgana himself.
Morgana couldn't help but be reminded of the night itself when everything had changed. 7th May 2019. It eerily felt the same despite being over a year ago—almost two years ago and having nothing in common. There was the ambulances in common granted, though she wasn't allowed to go into the hospital. Not with coronavirus going on. The anxiety after getting out the car, climbing into the ambulance. Being taken to hospital and waiting, waiting for hours on end. It was the waiting that she couldn't handle. The endless waiting to find out anything, anything only to have to continue waiting.
She was trying her hardest not to throw up, morning sickness rather like a plague. Arthur and Gwen were arguing, Gwen had just found out earlier that day about Arthur's other children. Gwen noticed Arthur's change in behaviour, though how was she supposed to tell her about what happened? They were close though it simply wasn't Morgana's place to do so. Amhar began crying and kicking the back of the seat in protest. Morgana took a deep breath as she tried to calm herself down, otherwise she was certain that she would vomit in the car. She'd already spent parents evening spewing into a bowl and was dizzy from that, only managing to take small sips of water. She gripped her bag and the handle of the baby seat.
"You know what hurts? Oh you want to know what fucking hurts? I'm supposed to have a daughter but I don't and you know why? Cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too".
"Arthur!" Gwen screamed. They held each other's hands. A loud clunking followed by a slowing and then a stop. She made sure the car had stopped then took off her belt, looking around. The front of the car squashed in, Amhar looking around in shock from his car seat and was okay apart from the shock. Morgana unclipped the seatbelt and took it off from around the car seat, swinging her bag onto her shoulder and clambering out the car. Orange flames dancing higher and higher. She ran away. She couldn't run anymore, she was too weak, too dehydrated. Bile began to rise up in her throat. She fell to her knees and succumbed to darkness.
She woke up on her back to a splitting headache, rising nausea and panic. People stood above her, lots of flashing lights. A policeman and woman shining torches in her eyes. The rising of bile in her throat and she turned to her side to vomit, slowly sitting up with the aid of the police officers.
"What's your name?" one of them asked.
"Morgana Pendragon".
"Can you tell us what happened?".
"My brother and sister-in-law were driving us all home from work and arguing. Then ... the car crashed".
"We're getting a few ambulances" the policewoman answered. "Have you got anyone you can call?".
She tried phoning Morgause. She didn't pick up. She hovered over Merlin for a while, debating whether he would pick up or not. She instead took deep breaths and leaned against the police car as they waited for the ambulance, sick bucket in hand.
"Time of crash was 20:42" one of the witnesses to the crash said to the paramedic.
"Time of death 20:42" the paramedic noted.
Morgana curled herself up into a ball and continued throwing up into the bowl. Amhar was crying, so much. The dizziness was overwhelming and she succumbed once more. She woke up in the back of an ambulance with two paramedics and the baby on their lap. Sirens blared as they were blue lighted to the hospital, Amhar happily cooing away to the paramedics and Morgana looking up at the bright ceiling. By the time they arrived at the hospital it was dark. She'd been taken to a cubicle and Amhar off to children's A&E where a social worker would be waiting for him to look after him. She'd tried phoning Morgause more, to no avail.
"Morgana, is there anyone else we can try and call?" Sophie the nurse had asked.
She sighed exasperatedly. "Fine, try merlin. I'm not talking to him".
Of course he had been the one to pick up. They eventually got hold of Morgause though and she made her way over, dealt with the social worker and stayed with Amhar. A wetness of some sort in her pants, she was hoping it wasn't blood and that the cramps that were beginning to become more intense were from the fact that her stomach had nothing more to bring up.
From that day on, Morgana and Merlin's lives had changed forever. And it felt just like that night once more.
Merlin woke up on a stretcher bed with the sound of machines beeping and blinding lights. Apart from his headache, he felt physically fine though he was still pained.
"Where am I?" Merlin asked as he lifted his head slightly, his voice pained.
"You're in an ambulance" the paramedic answered. "On your way to hospital".
"I drank too much ... didn't I?" Merlin asked.
The paramedic said nothing and nodded.
"Whats going to happen now?".
"You'll detox in hospital and once you're well enough you'll be discharged".
"I can't do that" Merlin insisted as he tried to sit up. Though the straps on the stretcher kept him tied down. "I have a wife, baby and toddler. They need me".
"That's right they do need you, when you're better. You won't be much use to them when you're like this".
"I need to get sober, don't I" Merlin whispered.
A/N: This chapter was rather important for me to write, so I'd appreciate it if you let me know what you think. I'm aware that some of the memories from the night of the crash don't 100% line up with what I've written at the time of the crash, and it's supposed to be like that. From what I can gather, memories can tend to be hazy and change a lot with trauma and that's what I've done here.