Okay, another CW for this chapter, but it involves pregnancy/reproductive choices.
Sandstorm – Mereba ft .JID
What if I told you
That I miss the old you?
I used to hold you tight, a ride or die for life
But I couldn't mold you
'Cause I didn't own you, baby
But I'm on my own two now, I've grown to know
A lotta shit that I didn't before
My heart in your grip don't let my shit slip on the floor
I followed your drip and finally see where you goin'
I try to remember
But then I remember that you got a temper, and I got no filter
So it's like a sandstorm, when we get to blows
Can we please take it easy?
Let's just act like adults
I'ma keep it cool now
As the weeks slipped by, they remained in a stand-off with the Putneys. It wasn't lost on Olivia that an unmarked car that did not belong to any of her neighbors sat outside of her apartment 24/7. Olivia got a discrete doctor from a local non-profit to come check in on Abby to make sure her injuries were healing properly. Abby was never alone, and Abby never left the apartment. Fitz was there during the week. Olivia was there the rest of the time. They had gotten pretty used to, when they were together, ignoring each other. Their hate simmered down to indifference, which made it easier.
Olivia had her hands full with trying to free Abby from the Putneys, anyways. No matter what she tried, they were always a step ahead. David helped as much as he could, but even he noticed resistance from his superiors at the justice department.
It was becoming increasingly clear that they had to use the press. Make one sweeping statement that laid out the facts and the legal action that Abby would take. Olivia convinced Abby that this was the only option left. She had all of the major networks on speed dial. She had her contacts in the press, ready to run with the story. Dani was aware of the plans and prepared to step in immediately with a statement of support.
Olivia had gone through every outcome and made contingency plans for all of them. It reminded her of her first semester of law school. It was nothing more than a case brief – taking the law and testing every applicable use of it to make sure all grounds were covered.
"Hey Abby." Olivia was concerned when she noticed the unmarked car was gone from the street. She walked into her apartment to find her best friend's bags packed, waiting by the door. "What is going on?"
"It's over." Abby said. "I struck a deal."
"You... what?"
"I talked to Chip."
"What the hell?" Olivia shook her head. "How?"
"He came by here today."
"How did he... Where was Fitz?"
"He left this morning to go back to Boston. His in-person classes start tomorrow."
"How convenient." Olivia muttered, irritated that he didn't let her know. She would have worked from home. "What the hell happened then?"
"I signed an NDA." Abby said. "In exchange for him never bothering me again."
"You did what?"
"I know you are mad, but hear me out. I'm going back to Boston. I'm going to live with my parents for a while. I don't know what I am doing after that, but I know what I need some time to heal, and it shouldn't be here, in this city."
"Abby, you don't have to do that. We can win this."
"I don't want to win anything, Liv. I want to go back to normal. I don't know how I will get there, but I do know that getting that family to leave me the hell alone is my first step."
"You can take him down. The fact that he reached out with an NDA, means that we have them on the ropes."
"I don't want to, if it means I go down with him." Abby frowned. "Thank you for everything, really. I owe you everything for saving me. But I can't be your burden any longer."
"You aren't a burden." Olivia said. "Please don't say that."
"I need time to heal." Abby said. "I need time to figure out who I am, and I need to do that alone – I need to be safe from him for good."
Olivia nodded. "Okay. But if you ever need me..."
"I know where to find you." Abby smiled. "I won't be such a stranger, you know. If I become one, you have my permission to drag me away from wherever I'm hiding with an iron poker in hand."
"I'll keep that in mind." Olivia said.
"I know, I know." Abby hugged her lightly, given her healing ribs. "I wanted to wait until you came home from work to say goodbye, but my car is waiting outside. I need to catch my flight."
"Text me when you get to your parents' place, okay?"
"Okay." Abby held their hug for a silent moment. "Thank you for everything."
"I'd do it all again." Olivia whispered. "Over a cliff, Abby."
/
"Hey." Dani addressed Olivia in the office. "Is everything set for today?"
"It's not happening." Olivia motioned for her to enter her office and shut the door behind her. "She left last night."
"Wait, why? Is everything okay?"
"I think so. She's going back to Boston, to spend some time with her parents." Olivia sighed heavily. "She is safe, which is my primary concern."
"You seem... miffed."
"I thought Abby was making the wrong decision by running and not fighting. But I've been thinking, and... It's not my choice to make. I can only be there for her. We can only be there for her now. She's safe, so..."
"Are you okay?" Dani asked.
"Yeah." Olivia replied. "Thank you for being so supportive through this."
"You would do the same for me." Dani smiled. "I also came by for selfish reasons. Do you have a tampon? I forgot to replenish the spares in my desk.
"Oh my god, are we synced?" Olivia reached into her desk for a tampon.
"Maybe... I'm on day 2."
"Oh, maybe not." Olivia frowned, putting the tampon in a manilla folder and handing it over. "I think this stress knocked me off a few days."
"See, this is a conversation I could never have with Dunbar." Dani laughed.
Olivia joined in the moment of lightheartedness. "Can I tag along for the next district days? I haven't seen my mom in a while, and with Abby back in Boston, I think I might need a change in scenery."
"Of course." Dani said. "You know that you can work remotely, if you want to see her more often."
"Thanks, I appreciate that." The truth was, Olivia hadn't been home in months—really since Fitz broke up with her. She felt ashamed, but she also didn't want Maya to see how pitifully heartbroken she was. Her mother raised her to be stronger than she had been feeling.
Once Dani left her office, she pulled out her calendar to mark her NYC days. Then it hit her. She was not only a few days late, she never had her last period. It was in the midst of the Abby drama, and it completely slipped her mind. It was a few weeks after that morning, where Fitz fucked her with no protection.
Olivia felt a wave of nausea come over her, which didn't help her fears. She immediately packed up her purse to leave. She needed to know immediately, otherwise, she was doomed to do nothing but dear the worst.
She stopped at a pharmacy around the corner from the Capitol. The cashier sympathetically unlocked the employee bathroom for her when she asked if they had a public restroom.
And then she sat there, waiting for the lines to appear on the stick she just peed on.
Then there were two.
/
Olivia turned her key into Maya's apartment. The longer she spent away from her childhood home, the more she felt like a little child when she came back. It was a good feeling, however. Like she could release some of the stress weighing down on her – and from inside of her.
"Hey baby." Maya was sitting at the kitchen counter, with a glass of red wine.
"Hi Mama." Olivia kissed her cheek and hugged her tightly. "How are you?"
"I'm great, now that you are here. I was beginning to think that you forgot about me."
"Never. I've just been going through a lot."
"I can see that." Maya pulled out a second glass and poured Olivia her fill. "You look like the world has had every piece of you. Talk to me."
Olivia was silent for a moment, not knowing where to start. Olivia hadn't shared anything with Maya, but Maya was under the impression that Fitz and Olivia were not doing too well. She didn't know where this Edison guy fit into anything, but she knew that after Fitz was cleared and the new cycles seemingly moved on from him, she hadn't seen or heard anything from him. She almost assumed that this Edison guy was Olivia's boyfriend now, but Olivia never brought Edison around or mentioned anything about him.
"Okay, so..." Olivia took a reasonable sip from her glass. "Fitz broke up with me in June. I thought that we were going to be able to take a break, but he didn't like that, so... We broke up."
"Oh, baby." Maya squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry."
"I've been pretending to date this congressman, to protect myself from any accusations with the whole Big Gerry thing."
"Edison Davis." Maya deduced.
"Yeah, him. We just kept pretending, because it was easy, and he actually needed it more than me. Abby moved to D.C. and started dating this guy that was no good. When Abby found out that Edison and I were still faking it, she told me that we couldn't be friends, because it was a betrayal to Fitz. At first, I thought she wasn't serious, but weeks turned into months. She wouldn't return my phone calls. I did some digging and found out that she had ghosted everybody, not just me. It was the guy... That was no good for her. He was abusing her mentally at first, and then physically. I interfered and made things worse for her and me. Fitz came down and tried to help her, but it made things even worse. This guy really beat her up badly."
Olivia shuttered, trying to push the image of Abby out of her mind. It haunted her too many sleepless nights.
"I tried to fix it for her. The guy is very powerful and had a lot of resources, so it was really hard to convince anybody that it was worth the fight. I ended the fake relationship with Edison somewhere along the way. Eventually Abby couldn't take it anymore and settled. She signed an NDA and moved back in with her parents in Boston. And now..." Olivia drifted off, struggling to find her words. Whatever she had to say was more difficult than any of the terrible things she had just relived.
"What is it, baby? What's wrong?" Maya rubbed her shoulder, scooting her chair closer.
"I am going to tell you something, and I need you to not get angry. I need you to be supportive, and I need you to be my Mom."
"You are scaring me, Olivia."
Olivia opened her mouth to say the two words she had been terrified to say so far, but she couldn't. Her words stuck in her throat, threatening to choke her. She took a deep breath, trying again. "I'm pregnant."
"Okay." Maya's face was unreadable. "How long have you known?"
"Since Tuesday."
"And if this relationship with Edison was just a press gimmick, then…" Maya was putting the timeline together in her head. There were only two men in what Olivia just told her, and Fitz must have been in DC helping with Abby.
Olivia shook her head as the tears she was fighting so far took over. "It isn't his."
"Hey now," Maya hugged her, rubbing her back. "Everything is going to be okay."
"I'm so sorry." Olivia whispered, drying her eyes. "This is everything you told me not to do, and I'm a fucking—"
"Shhh." Maya said. "When I was in your shoes, I was terrified too. Twenty something years later, you are the best thing to ever happen to me."
"I never said I was keeping it." Olivia said, pulling back. "I'm not going to keep it. I can't."
"Which is why you haven't told him." Maya deduced.
Olivia nodded, unable to say his name.
"You need to tell him."
"I can't."
"It will hurt way more if you don't."
"Because you are the expert on telling your non-boyfriend that you are pregnant?" Olivia snapped. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I—I'm..."
"Under a lot of stress. I know." Maya said softly. "I've been there."
"I'm so scared."
"Everything will be okay." Maye kissed her forehead.
/
Olivia spent her week in New York relaxing. She mainly worked from home, making occasional trips to Manhattan to the district office. She had an appointment at the Queens Planned Parenthood for Saturday. It had to be Saturday, so Maya could attend with her. She was terrified that time would soften her stance on aborting the fetus, but it didn't.
Every day she became more disgusted by what was growing inside of her. It was already affecting her appetite, her sleep, and her mood. She counted the days out, confirming that Fitz was the father. She had not been intimate with anybody but him. It had to be Fitz.
With that fact confirmed, Olivia grew angry. How dare he be so reckless with her and leave her with this decision? She pondered if he should be able to get away with this. Over the course of the week, she convinced herself that she had to tell him. Not to convince him to man up and be a father. Not for any type of moral obligation or closure.
No, she wanted to hurt him. She wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him that he put this thing inside of her... The thing he used to quietly fantasize about her carrying... The thing that he always wanted...
Then she would tell him that it was never going to happen.
She wanted him to feel a fraction of the shame and humiliation he caused her in conceiving it.
/
Olivia framed it as a day trip to Boston to check on Abby, but it was only half true. Sure, she started her day visiting Abby's parents' house. Abby was doing better. She was still not her old self, but some life had returned to her cheeks and the injuries were almost entirely healed. She had plans of getting expensive scar removal treatments to erase the more permanent damage he did to her.
"It's such a pleasure to see you, Olivia." Abby's mom brought over a tray of tea herself. "You are always welcome here, and we are forever indebted to you for how you took care of our baby girl."
"Thank you, Mrs. Whelan." Olivia said politely. Before, Abby's parents barely looked at her or cared to remember her name. Olivia knew it had something to do with her pedigree, but she was used to it, being around the elites in Cambridge. Now, it was like she was a Vanderbilt or something.
"Ma, give us some space, please." Abby said, trying to get rid of her lingering mother. She was grateful to have a home to come back to, but her parents were a little overbearing. Especially when their baby girl was harmed.
"Of course. I'll have Louise bring you girls some snacks."
"You look better." Olivia said, squeezing Abby's hand. "How do you feel?"
"Like I'm losing my mind every time my mom comes in the room."
"Glad to see you are returning to normal." Olivia chuckled. "I have a favor to ask, and I would appreciate if there weren't any follow up questions."
"Okay?" Abby sat up straighter.
"What is Fitz's address?"
"What? Why?"
"I said no follow up questions."
"Why do you want to see him?"
"He left something in my apartment when you were staying there, and I need to return it." Olivia lied.
"What was it?"
"A book."
"You really suck at lying."
"I just need it, okay?" Olivia said. "I need to tell him something that is very important."
"You are pregnant." Abby deduced.
"How—" Olivia stammered.
"Oh my god, that was a total guess." Abby's face dropped. "Liv, seriously?"
"I think so."
"How do you think that you are pregnant. Was it one and a half lines? Did the pee stick say shit, I think so?"
"I know I'm pregnant." Olivia clarified. "Saying I think so makes it seem less real."
"302 West Ave. You know that ugly white apartment building across from the froyo place we went to all the time?"
"What apartment number?"
"I can't remember. It's on the fourth floor, the second on your right."
"Thank you." Olivia grabbed her purse and stood.
"Are you going to keep it?" Abby asked.
Olivia shook her head. "No."
/
The froyo place Abby referred to was now a boba shop, but she remembered exactly where it was. Across the street, one constant was the tall white apartment building. Olivia never knew anybody who lived there, but it always caught her eye because it clashed with the deep reds and brown bricks of the Bostonian buildings surrounding it. It was one of the more affordable housing options in the area, which reminded her that Fitz was living a very different life than how she knew him to be in college.
She waited for someone to exit before sneaking in after them. She found the second apartment on the right of the 4th floor and gave it a sturdy knock, with no hesitation. She was nervous to see the look on his face, so she hyped herself up as she waited for him to answer.
She waited with no answer and then knocked again. There was another long pause until he answered the door. He had just stepped out of the shower and was wearing a towel low on his waist.
"What." He said harshly, before realizing who it was. "Olivia?"
"Fitz." She said evenly. "Can I come in?"
"I don't know." He crossed his arms. "What do you need? Abby isn't here, she's still with her parents."
"I know that. I need to talk to you."
"About?"
"Just let me in." Olivia rolled her eyes, walking past him.
"Sure, make yourself at home." He said sarcastically.
"I'm here to tell you—" Olivia was interrupted by the sound of a small crash in the other room.
"I'm fine." A woman called. "Sorry."
Olivia looked back at Fitz who just had a shit-eating look on his face. "One second." He walked into the other room and came back out with a girl who had clearly just gotten dressed rapidly.
"This was fun, but you should go now." Fitz said, resting his hand on her ass as he walked her to the door.
"Oh my god, you are Olivia Pope." The girl gushed. "I am a huge Flores fan. I applied for her internship over the summer and didn't get it, but maybe we could grab coffee. My name is Meghan, and—"
"I don't care." Olivia didn't shake her extended hand. "You should leave right now."
"Oh... kay." The girl awkwardly withdrew her hand and walked towards the door.
"Actually, you can help me with something." Olivia said. "Did you two use a condom last night?"
"Well... It was more of this morning, too."
Olivia shot her a look that made her realize that she was actually waiting for an answer.
"Yes? No... I can't remember." She looked to Fitz for confirmation, but he was just glaring at Olivia. "I am on the pill, though."
"Meghan, Can I give you some advice?" Olivia picked up a bra that she assumed was hers, and held it out with two fingers.
"Of course." She said nervously, accepting her bra and tucking it into her bag.
"Go get tested. Immediately." Olivia said. "And don't try to network on your walk of shame."
Meghan's nervous smile dropped as she looked back at Fitz and then Olivia.
"You can leave now."
Meghan scurried out, with no goodbye.
"What do you want." He demanded.
"How many girls have you fucked raw before me?" Olivia asked.
"Is that why you showed up here?"
"Answer me."
"I use condoms." Fitz responded, pulling a bottle of water from his fridge. "Don't let it keep you up at night."
"Oh, I have bigger concerns than getting whatever little venereal infection you could have passed along." Olivia clarified. "Because you gave me something worse. I'm pregnant."
He choked on his sip of water. "What?"
"Shocker, that's what happens when semen enters a vagina."
"Congratulations." He said through a strained voice. "What type of cigar does the congressman like, so I can send one over in a few months."
"It's not his." Olivia leveled her eyes with his. "But I guess you can get your cheap shots out of the way, since it doesn't matter. I'm aborting it. Tomorrow."
"Okay." He said simply. He seemed to be slowly recovering from his initial shock and was now wearing an air of cold indifference. "Is that all?"
"Yes."
Fitz shrugged, "You came all the way to Boston to tell me that... you are getting an abortion. You sure that you don't want to get more for your miles? Maybe an apology? Maybe a check?"
"Okay, I'm leaving now." Olivia walked past him to the door. She was beginning to feel incredibly foolish. He didn't even hate her anymore. He was indifferent to her. That stung more than she expected, and she was seconds away from breaking down in tears.
"Maybe you want some more." Fitz leaned against the counter. "Maybe that morning wasn't enough."
"Fuck you." Olivia spat.
"Is that not what you came here to do?"
Olivia didn't dignify that with a response. She left his apartment feeling angrier than she did on her way there.
/
It seemed like Olivia's name was called way too soon. Maya squeezed her hand as the nurse came to get her. Once she had changed into the hospital gown, the doctor talked her through everything from what kind of numbing cream they used to how they were going to widen her cervix and what she could expect to feel. She didn't care. She wanted it out, not an anatomy lesson.
Finally, it was time. She lifted her legs into the stirrups, grateful that her mother was there. Maya held her hand firmly the entire time.
Gritting her teeth, it felt like the worst cramps of her life. She didn't make a sound, bearing it all silently and squeezing the shit out of her mother's hand. It lasted for what seemed like an hour, even though it was only 7 minutes. When the doctor finished, he commended her for getting through it and gently lowered her legs from the stirrups.
"You did great, baby." Maya wiped a silent tear from Olivia's cheek. The nurse told her to take it easy, but to sit up when she felt ready. They handed her a collection of pamphlets, all with information about the side effects she could experience and the after care.
Once back at her apartment, Maya helped her change into fresh clothes with a thick maxi pad to catch any additional bleeding. She settled into her bed, insisting to Maya that she was comfortable. She didn't want to be alone, but she didn't want to be around anybody either. She dozed off for a bit but forced her mind to focus on some work emails.
Maya knocked on her door, letting herself in. "You have a visitor."
"Who?" Olivia raised her eyebrows. Nobody knew that she was in New York, except for Dani and a few people at the office. Nobody knew what she was doing, other than she wasn't working, since it was a Saturday.
"If you say that you don't want to see him, I will make sure he never steps foot in this neighborhood again." Maya said, making it clear who was waiting outside.
"It's fine. Let him in." Olivia said, sitting herself up and rearranging the pillows behind her.
A few moments later, Fitz entered her bedroom, wearing a completely different look than yesterday. Maya looked to Fitz and back to her, but Olivia communicated with a simple nod that she was okay to be alone with him.
"Hi." He said softly.
"Eat a dick."
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn't have..." Fitz began to approach her, but she curled towards the wall, as if he would hurt her. "I should have reacted better yesterday. It was wrong, and I'm sorry."
"I don't care." Olivia snarled.
"Livvie—"
"No."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't forgive you." Olivia choked on her words trying to keep from letting her emotions take over. "So stop saying that. And stop calling me Livvie."
"I need you to hear me out."
"You don't get to decide what I do." Olivia whispered harshly, lest Maya pick up their conversation through the thin walls. "You bent me over my couch and fucked me like a piece of meat, then told me that you didn't want me. I just went through a fucking abortion to get rid of the only thing we had left together. What would make you think that I am interested in what you have to say?"
"I love you."
"Stop—" His words took her breath away. It wasn't just the words, it was the sincerity of his voice and the earnestness in his eyes.
"I didn't react well yesterday, because I didn't want you to keep the baby, just because I let you know how I feel." He approached her again, this time she didn't revolt so much that he could sit on the side of her bed. "I am sorry, but I knew that if I told you that I was happy that you were pregnant and that I wanted to start again, you would reconsider."
"No. You can't do these things to me. You can't say these things. You can't treat me like I'm some whore you got off the street, and then say something as irreversible as I want to have a child with you."
"Did it ever occur to you that I was hurting? Because that's what you did, Olivia. You hurt me."
"Don't you dare spin this back on me, when I was the one who got broken up with." Olivia said. "You ruined me. Repeatedly."
"You ruined me." Fitz shot back. "You told me there was no chance that you would ever be with Edison Davis, and the second we took a step back, you didn't change a damn thing."
"Did you think it was easy for me? Simple? I went against everything I wanted. Everything I did was for you. I was making sacrifices for you. For us. But you gave up. And I never did. I never did shit with Edison, because I was in love with you—"
"You gave up the second you asked for space. I was in the darkest time of my life, and you gave up on us. You grabbed your life jacket which was him and left me drowning by myself."
"You left me." Olivia couldn't stop the tears from soaking her cheeks. Fuck these hormones. "Why are you even here, if I am so terrible?"
"I'm here because I love you." He rested his hands over hers.
"No, Fitz." Olivia shook her head, pushing his hands away. "You don't do this to people you love. You don't intentionally hurt the people you love."
"Do you still love me?"
"No." Olivia answered quickly, leaving no room for error, lest he doubt her. "In case I wasn't clear, I hate you."
"See, I don't accept that." Fitz shook his head. "Hate is indifference. You showed up at my apartment yesterday to get a rise out of me. You wanted me to make a scene and beg you to keep the baby. You wanted proof that I'm still in love with you... So when I ask this again, I want you to think long and hard about it. Think about what we have been through. What we have put each other through. The pain and trauma we have inflicted. Then ask yourself why you felt the need to show up at my door to tell me you were getting an abortion. Because this whole I hate you so much, bullshit doesn't add up."
Olivia looked past him to her bookshelf. She knew the answer. She didn't need any prodding or self-reflection. If there was one thing that was certain in her life, it was that she was in love with Fitzgerald Grant III, and she would never stop loving him.
"Do you love me?"
"Does it matter?"
"It matters." He rested his hand on her knee. "Do you love me?"
Olivia kept her eyes trained on the bookshelf – more specifically to the copy of the poetry book that she loaned him at the start of their relationship. She couldn't admit it out loud, but only nod her head. "But I can't do this anymore. You should go."
"Wait... Hear me out... This summer, I have learned only one thing. That I cannot exist without you. That I cannot breathe without you." He gently caressed her cheek, pulling her eyes to connect with his. "That the man I am without you is — nothing. I'm nothing. And you are everything. And I need you to give me another chance." He wiped a tear from her cheek. "I'm asking for another chance. We're worth another chance."
Olivia's face processed a thousand emotions. Hurt. Anger. Awe. Exhaustion. And finally, admittance. She came undone, grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling his mouth to hers. He wrapped his arms around her and held her as tight as possible against him. For a moment nothing mattered but them being as close to each other as possible.
"You hurt me." Olivia gasped between her urgent kisses.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, sucking her tongue into his mouth. Her plump lips were just as he remembered, and better than the dreams that had kept him over in their separation.
"I can't." Olivia shook her head, pushing him off of her.
"Livvie."
"I need you to go." Olivia couldn't lift her eyes to his, but she put some extra bass in her voice. "Now."
/
The cramps hit Olivia later that night. She spent the night heaving into a bowl and clutching a warm water bottle to her abdomen. Maya held her, wiping her forehead when the waves of cramps brought sweat to her brow, and rubbing her back. She fell asleep, being held by her mother in her childhood bed, feeling like she had nothing figured out in the world.
The next morning, Olivia woke up feeling better. Maya had left her in her bed, but she heard the sounds of her cooking breakfast, coming from the kitchen. With the thin walls of the apartment, she wondered how much of her conversation with Fitz her mother caught yesterday – or if the lack of words at the end gave everything away.
She slowly put her feet on the floor. She wasn't cramping or nauseous, but there was a definite soreness. She made her way to the bathroom, examining the spotting from the night. A hot shower seemed to ease the soreness, but not completely alleviate it. She leaned her forehead against the cool tile, thinking about her conversation with Fitz. He called her on her bullshit and shined the brightest light into the places she had been trying to bury inside her.
Was he being sincere? Did he really mean all of those things? She tried to convince herself that she knew him better than anybody else. She could tell when he was lying. Her gut told her that he meant every word he said. But it came out of nowhere. It was a complete 180 from the callous, rude, and spiteful man who she saw just two days earlier. Where did he get off, being such an ass to her, then turning around and begging for her forgiveness when she was most vulnerable?
However, as much as she tried, she couldn't get angry with him. She didn't want to be angry anymore. She was exhausted. She didn't want to play any games. She played their relationship from the start, like a highlight reel. From that first day in Reston's class to Jessica's wedding, to those distracted study sessions in her dorm room. She thought about their breakup, and their reunion. How being together felt as necessary as breathing. Then she thought about that apartment in Chelsea and all of the memories and love they made inside of its exposed brick walls. How the heatwaves of that summer didn't seem to–
"Olivia?" Maya knocked on the door, snapping her out of her daydream. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah." How long had she been standing there? "I'm fine."
"Don't use up all of the hot water, baby. Breakfast is ready."
She cut the water off and wrapped a towel around herself. She looked at herself in the foggy mirror. As someone who was always so certain – someone who thrived in her self-confidence and gut intuition – she hated how certain she was right now. She knew what she wanted.
She got dressed and went to the kitchen. She wasn't hungry, but she ate the food for her mother's sake. When she was done, she packed her overnight bag to go back to D.C.
"Maybe you should stay a little longer." Maya said. "I'm sure Dani will understand if you work from home or take a few days off."
"I need to get back to D.C." Olivia said, zipping her bag up. "I'm okay, really."
"What time does your train leave?"
"2pm."
"I'm going to fix up some things to take with you." Maya said. "You need to keep food in your stomach while you are recovering."
"Thank you." Olivia went back to her room to pull her phone from its charger. There were no texts from Fitz. She cursed herself for even looking for some type of communication from him. She took a moment to answer some of the more pressing emails from work. She had been off the grid for the whole weekend, and while there was no crisis, she still had some things to tend to.
When it was time to leave, she grabbed her bag and walked out into the living room. Maya, who she had just heard humming to herself outside of her door, wasn't there. Or in the kitchen. Or in her bedroom. She peaked out the window to see Fitz's car parked outside and him leaning against it. Maya was talking to him, and from their body language, it wasn't civil.
"Shit." Olivia muttered.
/
Maya was never one to take Olivia's side, just because she was her daughter, and from what she knew of their breakup, they were both idiots and at fault. But the fact that he was reckless enough to get her pregnant when Olivia was going through a traumatic experience for Abby, and then show up on the day of her abortion with no warning, did not sit right with her. Holding her only child's hand while she had a fetus sucked from between her legs was the hardest thing Maya had ever been through. Holding her daughter as she puked her guts up, curled into a fetal position was something she never wanted to experience again.
So, when she heard Fitz's smooth car pull up, a different sound than the older, clankier models on the block, she took the opportunity speak to him directly. It didn't take much more than her mother's intuition to know that whatever transpired between Fitz and Olivia yesterday was the first step towards them getting together. She knew that after their angry words softened into voices that didn't carry beyond Olivia's room, she was at risk of losing her daughter again.
She walked down the stairs of the building, to where he was getting out of his car.
"You have some nerve."
"Maya, I know that you aren't the happiest with me right now…" Fitz began.
"You lost the privilege of calling me by my first name."
"Ms. Pope." He corrected, "I understand why you don't like me. I've done some really stupid things, and many of them hurt Olivia. I've already apologized to Olivia, and I plan on doing so over and over until she forgives me. But I also owe you an apology. No mother should have to watch their daughter go through that, and for that, I am deeply, deeply sorry."
"You don't get to show up and beg for her forgiveness like that. Did it occur to you that she would have asked you to be here, if she wanted you to?" It was insane how similar Maya and Olivia were when they were angry. They had the same lip curl, the same fiery look in their eyes, and they both knew how to make their words cut like a knife into his side.
"I'm sorry."
"If she wanted you here to comfort her through one of the most painful decisions of her life, then I would respect that. But she didn't, so let me make myself clear. You have lost any ounce of respect I had for you, and it will be a cold day in hell, before you earn any back. Stop saying sorry, because you are wasting your breath. Stop harassing my daughter. Get in your fancy ass car, drive away, and never look back."
"What's going on here?"
Both of them turned to see Olivia, standing there. They didn't know how much she heard. Maya shot Fitz one final glare, before silently walking back towards their home. She didn't go inside, instead she stood on the stairs of their building, watching them.
"Fitz." Olivia awaited an answer. "What are you doing here?"
"I was going to offer to drive you to the train station, but..." He shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth, and looking at Maya. "I understand if you don't want me to."
"Okay." Olivia nodded. His surprised expression wasn't lost on her. "You can drive me. Let me get my things."
She expected him to follow her up the stairs, but he awkwardly hung back. She wondered if whatever transpired between him and her mom was the reason. She went back up the steps and finished packing her things up.
"I'll call a taxi for you." Maya said, leaning against her door frame.
"It's fine." Olivia said. "He is going to take me."
"Olivia, I don't think you are hearing me." Maya said firmly. "I will call you a cab."
"Fitz is going to drive me to Penn Station, because I want him to" Olivia said. "I don't want to take a taxi."
"Okay." Maya said with no emotion.
"Thank you for everything, Mama." Olivia hugged her tightly, breaking the coldness of her mother's body language. "I couldn't have gone through with this without you, and I will never put you through it again."
"Baby girl." Maya rocked her in her tight hug. "I haven't told you what to do for one second of this, so listen to me now. You can't let these boys take pieces of you like you have been. You need to protect yourself."
"I know."
"I don't think you do." Maya said sadly. She pulled back, holding Olivia's cheek in her hand. "Promise me that you will be more careful."
"I promise you." Olivia nodded.
"I love you so much, baby." Maya kissed her forehead.
"I love you too, Mama." Olivia dabbed the corner of her eye, taking a deep breath. "I should go."
"Text me when you get to the train station and when you get to your apartment." Maya said, leaning against the door frame as Olivia walked down the steps to Fitz, who was waiting with the passenger side door open.
Once on the road, Fitz flipped the radio to play on low volume. After a few minutes, Olivia spoke up.
"I'm ready to have this conversation." She took a deep breath. "Are you?"
"Yes." He nodded, pulling his car over into a parking lot. "I'm ready."
"I've been thinking... Nonstop. Ever since I kissed you yesterday. With every way I prod and poke my feelings and analyze the chain of events that aspired between us, it always comes down to one inescapable fact. And that is that I love you. I'm in love with you. I can't imagine a future timeline where I don't love you." Olivia reached for his hand, holding it against the console.
"...But..." He assumed.
"But I don't want to get burned again. I can't just fall back into you because of the fact that I love you. That's what I did that morning, and I don't trust myself to make smart choices around you."
Fitz was silent, waiting for her to continue. He couldn't say anything yet. She had more in her.
"But I love you." Olivia connected her eyes with him. "And I want to be with you... I'm just really fucking scared that you will hurt me. Or I will hurt you, and you will lash back, and we will both be back at square one… And even though I love you, I can't go through this again."
"I will never hurt you again."
"You made that promise before." Olivia said, a little too sharply. "I'm sorry, but I just find it harder to believe you when you say things like that... I want to, but I am almost sure that if we were to pick back up where we left off, then we would both crash and burn. Too much has happened."
Fitz was silent, still holding her hand, still staring into her eyes.
"Say something." Olivia begged softly. It took a good deal of strength to say what she had to say. Now she felt vulnerable – exposed.
"We need to start over." Fitz said in a confident voice, after another uncertain minute of silence. "From the beginning."
"We can't just pretend like—"
"I'm not talking about pretending that nothing happened. I'm talking about us taking it back to the beginning. Slow, like we started out. I agree that we love each other beyond our own control... But we need to take some time to build our trust again."
"That is what made us so strong." Olivia said softly. "In the beginning, we trusted each other."
"What made us so strong was that you made me wait months, before I could make love to you."
"And then we were unstoppable."
"And then we were unstoppable." Fitz smiled, squeezing her hand. "We should get on the road. I don't want you to miss your train."
"One more thing." Olivia said, pulling her hand to her lap. "I need you to do something before we do anything together."
"Anything."
"I need you to get tested. I want to believe you when you say that you have been using a condom with others, but I can't—"
"Done." He said, kissing the back of her hand, resting it on the console. "I will do it first thing when I get back to Boston."
"Thank you." Olivia smiled.
They drove in silence to Penn Station. He pulled into a loading spot, sighing deeply. The future for them was terrifying, but they both had their own version of peace around it. Olivia squeezed his hand, before releasing it. She opened her door, walking around to retrieve her bags from the popped trunk. Fitz was at her side by the time she had both bags in hand.
"Well, this is it." Olivia said.
Fitz stood there, awkwardly, uncertain if there was anything else to do. They both stated their case, and while there was hope between them, he couldn't be the one to do anything about it. Olivia dropped her bags to her feet and rose on her tip toes. He met her halfway, looping his arms around her waist. Their kiss was short, sweet, and exactly what they both needed.
Their lips broke, but Olivia settled back on her feet, looking up at him. "Will you call me, later tonight?"
"If you will pick up, then I will call you every night." He ran his hands from her waist up her arms to her shoulders. He caressed her cheek tenderly, sighing softly. "This is it."
"Goodbye, Fitz." Olivia smiled, leaning her head into his hand. "I'll see you soon."
He kissed her once more, before letting her go into the station.
Okay. Deep breath. The light at the end of the tunnel is here!