Trigger Warning - Sexual assault/ drug OD aftermath/ lots and lots of heartbreak(grab tissues)

Thank you so much everyone! This story has become my baby and I'm so happy to share this journey with all of you. Mentally, I didn't have the best week, but writing this fic always seems to make it just a bit better. Thank you for reading and please review!

Chapter 27 Find Regina

Regina was in and out of consciousness, unsure of whether she was dead or alive. She could hear the beeping of monitors and a voice she knew she should recognize, but couldn't. She felt like she was floating, unable to stay grounded for more than a few moments. She remembered small flashes of pain in her stomach, of a woman she didn't know holding her up on a bed while another forcing her to vomit. She could remember the feeling of a tube being forced down her throat and the panic she felt as her stomach felt like it was being sucked out. She was confused. She couldn't exactly remember what had happened to place her in this state besides from the small flashes of broken memories. Was she in an accident? Did she survive? Was this the in-between where your mind goes before it registers that you're dead? Flashes of herself in the reflection of a mirror and the metallic taste of something lingered in her mind. She wasn't sure what it meant, but she knew it had something to do with what was happening to her.

It seemed like an eternity until she started to force her mind to focus, particularly on the feminine voice that was softly talking, her voice hushed as if she didn't want to wake someone up. She forced her eyes to open just a slit, and closed them when the harsh lights beamed down on her. She let out a pained groan and winced at the harsh severe pain in her throat.

"Ruby… I'll call you back. I think she's waking up." The voice she couldn't recognize before now became clear. It was Emma. She had been talking on the phone and Regina could now feel her presence standing over her. She felt a hand gently caressing her cheek. "Love, are you awake? Please open your eyes," she whispered shakily and Regina could hear the tears in her voice. She did that. She caused that pain. She just didn't know how.

She felt herself drifting again; she couldn't hold on. Her mind felt like it was floating once more. She could hear Emma talking to her, but not even her voice was enough to ground her. She fell back into the darkness.

The second time she woke up, the broken fragments of her memories turned into terrifying nightmares. Visions of herself attacking Mary Margaret, her breakdown in the kitchen, and then the feelings of hopelessness when she had woken up, attacked her mind. She was standing in the bathroom, staring at her reflection and not recognizing the broken woman staring back at her. She could remember the pills in her palm and the metallic taste on her tongue as she swallowed them. She could remember panicking and the despair and fear when she realized there was no going back.

"Regina!" Emma was trying to wake her, but her mind wasn't quite ready to fully come back into consciousness. She could feel herself drifting again. She felt the bed dipping and then a warm body pulling her close. Emma's scent and warmth comforted her, chasing the nightmares away and pulling her into a peaceful sleep once more.

She wasn't sure how long it had been when her mind finally drifted into consciousness again. She wondered how long it would last this time. Apparently it hadn't been too long since the last time, because she woke up curled in her girlfriend's arms. It was only last night that she was plagued with nightmares.

No, not nightmares… Memories.

Now she remembered. She wasn't just floating around in the unknown. She had tried to kill herself and lived. Her body and mind were desperately trying to heal. Now the broken fragments of her memory made sense.

By Emma's steady breathing, she knew she was still asleep so she snuggled deeper into her warmth. She didn't want to wake her. She was afraid to look into her eyes and see the hurt and pain she had caused her. She was ashamed and wasn't sure if she could bear looking her in the eye after what she had attempted. She wasn't ready to face the reality of what she had almost done and so she let sleep take her once more.

The final time she woke up, she was finally able to open her eyes. This time Emma was pacing and talking on the phone. Her vision was a bit blurry as she tried to focus and stay awake.

"She's been in and out of consciousness, Ruby, but the doctors think she'll be able to fully wake up soon. How's Henry?"

Henry… Her heart sank as she thought of what he must think of her now. Did he hate her for trying to take her life? How much did Emma tell him? She wondered if he even knew. She hated the idea of lying to him, but she hoped Emma shielded him from the truth. This was something he couldn't know. She closed her eyes, her head pounding and she let out a groan. It sounded like Emma was ending her call and then was coming over to her. She could feel her presence standing over her, just like she had for every increment she became conscious.

"Regina?" Her voice sounded so hopeful. Regina forced herself to stay awake, using Emma's voice as an anchor. "Love, can you open your eyes?" Her voice was so gentle and Regina let out a soft sob. She didn't deserve her kindness after what she did. She shouldn't have lived. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she slowly opened her eyes just a slit to see a blurry face hovering before her.

"Em…" she tried to whisper, but her throat was dry and she started coughing. Emma immediately brought over some water. She helped elevate her head enough so that she was able to take some sips. She breathed in relief as the cool liquid went down her suspiciously sore throat. A vague memory of her vomiting and the taste of bile popped in her head, and she realized that was probably the cause of her discomfort.

"Don't try to talk," Emma comforted her, helping her lean back into the pillows once more. She sat the cup of water on the side table. Her vision became clear and now she really saw how tired Emma looked. Her eyes were bloodshot with dark circles. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail and looked as if she hadn't washed it in days. And then to her horror, she realized Emma was still wearing the dress she had worn to the funeral. How long has it been? She tugged lightly on the dress, unable to find the strength to speak just yet. Her throat was burning.

"It's been four days," Emma clarified, immediately knowing what Regina was trying to ask. "We had you medically transferred back to Storybrooke hospital." She closed her eyes, the shame she felt now washing over her even more. Her cheeks burned through her tears. "You remember…" Emma stated, not having to even finish that sentence. Of course she remembered.

She shouldn't be here. She didn't deserve it. She tried to take her life and she failed. She couldn't even do that right. She had never felt so broken and pathetic as she did in this moment, not even when she had lost her baby all those years ago. She was convinced she had no right to live after almost taking her life.

"How are you feeling?" Emma asked, and although her voice was gentle there was a tone Regina couldn't quite place. Emma seemed distant. She brought a hand up to her throat, rubbing it slightly and wincing. Emma nodded.

"You vomited… a lot," she explained, wrinkling her nose a bit at the memory. "You're going to be ok though. You might go through some withdrawal symptoms, but other than that the doctors were able to pump your stomach and give a reversal drug in time." Regina closed her eyes in disgust and then looked shamefully at the woman before her. "You almost…" Emma paused, her green eyes tearing up. "We almost lost you, Regina. Were you really just going to leave us? Is suicide really the only thing that will make everything better for you?"

She couldn't give her an answer. At least not an answer Emma wanted to hear. Her mind had been so warped back in that bathroom, all she had wanted was peace, and in order to achieve that, she saw death as the only solution. She couldn't promise that she wouldn't fall back into that dark mindset again. Right now her mental state felt like it had shattered. Emma was waiting for an answer and when it became clear that she wasn't getting one, a look of distraught had flashed across her face. Something else flickered in her eyes though, and Regina tilted her head in confusion.

"There's something you need to know, and it's not good," Emma continued, taking her hand and squeezing it. She tried sitting up, but Emma guided her back down into the pillows.

"What… is it?" she asked, her voice painfully hoarse. She winced, her eyes tearing up from the burning sensation. Emma hesitated, her eyes averting for once and Regina realized this was the reason why she seemed so distant. She had been emotionally distancing herself to give her bad news.

"Henry…" she whispered, and this time she looked at Regina with teary eyes. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and Regina felt her heart drop at the pure devastation she saw in those green orbs. "He was the one that found you."

"No…" she whispered, unable to believe that her little boy had seen her trying to kill herself. She could only imagine the scene he must have witnessed; her lying on the floor unresponsive and surrounded by vomit and pills. A sob escaped her lips, her hands shook, and devastation overwhelmed her. Brutal clarity suddenly hit her and she realized for the first time how far she had fallen. Her son saw her in her weakest moment. This couldn't happen again. He will never unsee this. She had traumatized him, she realized, and she had curled up in a fetal position under the blanket. She cried into her pillow, her body racking with shuddering sobs. She couldn't look at Emma. She could only feel her rubbing her back, but she didn't offer any words of comfort. There weren't any.

"Regina, I need you to listen to me," Emma's voice was stern, but her hand did not cease to continue to rub comforting circles on her back. "I tried so hard to help you, but now we've reached a point where I'm no longer enough. I think this is the part where you have to question yourself and make a decision on where you want to go from here."

Emma paused, took a deep shaky breath and Regina could hear the tears in her voice.

"You tried to kill yourself and our son found you. This is your rock bottom. It is time for you to decide whether you see a future, because I cannot let you continue to self-destruct when too much is at stake. Our son is at stake, you're at stake, and we can't keep going like this. So let me ask you; What happens next?"

She found herself trapped in her grief as Emma's words resonated in her mind. What happens next? She had no idea, but Emma was right. They couldn't continue like this. Something had to change and maybe that first step would be her allowing someone else to help her despite her fears.

"You don't have to answer right now, but I need you to make a choice soon or you won't be released from this hospital. I can't trust myself to keep you from hurting yourself again without a plan," she whispered, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning in to kiss Regina's temple. "I'll be back. Will you be ok with me going home to take a shower?"

Regina didn't answer, she couldn't face her. She couldn't look at her. She couldn't even speak to her. She was ashamed. She had never hated herself more than she did in this moment. Emma didn't deserve her, in fact Emma should just wipe her hands clean of her. She should take Henry and leave her, after all she had enough proof that Regina wasn't a fit mother. She sobbed in her pillow, unable to stop her mind from falling down its dark internal spiral.

"Regina, please respond," Emma pleaded, panic in her tone. "I can't just leave you when you're crying like this."

She couldn't stop.

"Shit!"

She felt Emma get up and leave the room. Her heart was racing. She couldn't breathe. Emma taking Henry and leaving forever flashed in her mind. Maybe after they leave she should try again, and they'd never know she was gone. Her mind became numb after that gruesome thought, she barely even registered Emma rushing back in with a nurse. She didn't even realize the nurse had injected a sedative into her IV line until her eyes became heavy and her sobs had started to stop. The last thing she could remember was Emma holding her hand, and caressing her cheek before darkness fell over her once more.

Emma silently wept the whole drive home. She was exhausted, had barely slept since the incident. Regina was so worked up they had to sedate her and all she could do was watch. She felt like she was in a daze, and maybe she shouldn't be driving but she needed to get home. She needed to take a shower and then figure out what she needed to do, because whatever they were doing now isn't working. Regina was not getting better, and there might come a point where Emma might have to make some sacrifices.

She went through the motions of getting out of the car, heading inside, getting into the shower, and standing under the warm spray of the water, her mind stuck in a frozen fog. When she had gotten out, feeling cleaner than she had in the past four days, her phone started to ring. She slipped on a robe, immediately answering when she saw it was Archie on the caller ID.

"Hey, it's Emma," she answered, her voice shaking.

"I heard Regina woke up. How is she doing?" he asked, and Emma took a shaky breath.

"She panicked when I told her I needed to go home and they had to sedate her. Archie, she's worse than I've ever seen her. Her mind is stuck in some deep dark place where not even I can reach her. She broke down when she found out that Henry was the one to find her, but something tells me that's the only reason she regrets doing what she did. If Henry hadn't seen her, she'd probably regret not getting it done. She hates herself so much, I can see it in her face."

"She's very dissociated from herself," he stated, and Emma could tell he was thinking about something.

"What are you thinking?" she asked. "Where do we go from here?"

"Emma, she needs to learn to love herself. Think about it, she went from a mother who constantly shattered her self esteem since childhood, to a great loss and trauma, followed by getting stuck in an abusive marriage. She never got to develop her confidence in herself. She never learned who Regina was. How could she love herself when she doesn't even know who she is."

Emma never even thought of that. Of course it made sense, and she realized with a heavy heart that her role in this whole mess probably didn't help much. They got into a relationship way too fast that Regina didn't even get a chance to realize her own self worth.

This made her realize what needed to be done. It was going to hurt. Hearts will be broken and their lives would probably change, but sacrifices needed to be made if it meant saving Regina.

Sydney had done what she asked and yet Regina hadn't repaid him. Of course she never promised him anything in return, but he expected payment. He expected to be compensated for his trouble. Digging up information on Spencer and Leopold wasn't easy. He knew she was back in Storybrooke and had heard she was in the hospital. He waited until Emma had finally left until he made his move. He snuck into the room he knew she was in. He had been stalking her, watching the room until the sheriff had finally left.

He caused a distraction so that the nurses didn't see him slipping in. He closed the door and looked hungrily at the woman who was lying in the bed. He was shocked at first, never having seen the powerful former professor look so small and weak. She was lying on her back, under the covers with her eyes closed. He wondered how conscious she was. He stepped over to her, placing a hand on her forearm.

"Professor Mills?" He tightened his grip, hoping to rouse her. Luckily for him her eyes opened but they were glazed over. She tried focusing on him. He realized the nurses must have drugged her. "It's done. I exposed Spencer and Leopold. I expect payment."

Regina sneered at him, looking at him with glazed, but fiery eyes. She tried her best to look intimidating, but it didn't pack the usual power when she was sedated.

"Get away from me," she snarled, her voice was hoarse and barely audible. She swallowed as if it had hurt to talk. He wondered what had landed her in the hospital. He knew about her ptsd, had noticed the distance she kept from him whenever they were in the same room. He wondered if she had some kind of mental break.

"Not without payment," he insisted.

"I promised you nothing," she hissed, trying to sit up, but the sedative prevented her from moving. She fell back against the pillows. The fiery look in her eyes turned fearful as she realized she was trapped. He smirked when he realized it as well, and if she wasn't going to reward him, he would take what he felt he deserved.

"I'm really going to enjoy this," he murmured hungrily to himself, the hand on her arm possessively taking her chin and forcing her to look at him.

"No!" she tried to shout, but her voice was too hoarse to be heard from outside of the room. She winced as if she were in pain and he smirked, getting off on her fear. He dreamed of this for so long for so many years, imagining his hands on her skin.

He released his tight grip on her face and lowered his hand to her breast, squeezing it and savoring the weight of it in his palm, his thumb directly pressing on her nipple. She jumped severely with a surprised but fearful cry the moment he touched her. He became aroused on how much he can feel through the light hospital gown. Her breath hitched when he ripped the blanket off of her, his eyes hungrily roaming over her body. He leaned in and tried kissing her lips, but she turned away and he kissed her cheek instead.

"Come on, I know you want this. Why else would you constantly use me?" he whispered into her ear. She shuddered at the feel of his hot breath. "Even when you were married, I always knew you were the one for me."

She let out a fearful whimper as he started kissing her neck, her eyes squeezed tight as his hand slid under the gown and continued to painfully grope her breasts. She was shaking so hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks, her heart monitor started to pick up, and instead of acknowledging her fear, he was more worried that the monitor would alert a nurse. He had to make this quick. He removed his hand from her inside her gown and then down to her inner thigh. She started to panic at this. Her breaths became labored, the color draining from her face out of fear. Her eyes were wide. She was frozen, unable to stop his assault on her.

"Sydney…" she whispered, her voice shaking.

"Shh, you're gonna like this," he said, erratically fumbling with his jeans with one hand while the other moving further down to her core. He palmed the warm folds through her panties, ignoring the tears that were heavily streaming down her cheeks. She immediately flinched at his touch, desperately trying to close her legs and move away but he firmly kept his hand on her, squeezing her tighter as if she were an object he earned.

"This can't be happening…" she cried, shaking her head and releasing shuddering sobs. "Sydney, stop!"

"Shut up!" he snapped, suddenly releasing his pants and smacking her hard. Her crying was making him nervous and he was afraid someone would walk in before he was even inside her. She gasped, her face turning to the side. Her eyes grew dark, her mind seemingly going to a dark place, because he saw a different kind of fear flash across her face. Different from when he was fondling her breasts. He would have felt bad, but he was too desperate to care. He started undoing his pants again, but before he could even go further, the door flew open and a flash of blonde hair and red leather was on him in a second.

"Get your fucking hands off of her you piece of shit!" Emma punched him in the face and he fell to the floor with a bloody nose. She jumped on him and landed another punch to the face. Her fury blinded her. The moment she walked in, she saw him undoing his pants with one hand while the other was in between Regina's legs. She saw the raw fear in Regina and saw red. She kept punching him until security was pulling her off, physically moving her to the other side of the room while a nurse angrily grabbed the beaten man by the forearm and forced him outside to be treated.

"Don't let that son of a bitch leave. I'm arresting his ass the moment his face is cleaned up!" she shouted, struggling against the security. She only calmed down when she noticed another nurse checking on Regina and trying to calm her down from what looked like an oncoming panic attack. "I'm fine, let me go to her," she demanded. The security let her go and she was by her girlfriends side in a second.

Regina couldn't breathe. Her breaths were erratic and she wouldn't let the nurse touch her. Her eyes were fixed to the ceiling, not making eye contact with anyone. She was shaking so hard and was so pale, Emma thought that she might be sick. Anger surged through her once again for that disgusting son of a bitch that put his hands on her. Emma didn't even want to think of what could have happened if she didn't walk in on time. She pushed those disgusting thoughts to the back of her mind, because right now she needed to calm Regina down.

"Regina, you're safe now. He's not going to hurt you," she said gently, reaching out to touch her, but Regina flinched away, too afraid after what had just happened. "I'm sorry, I won't touch you unless you want me to. Please look at me, love."

Regina hesitated, but finally met her gaze with fearful eyes. Emma suddenly noticed her red cheek and she almost just about flew from the room when she realized Sydney had hit her. She had to take a breath to calm herself down. It took more strength than she ever thought possible to keep herself from bolting out the room and killing the bastard herself.

"Deep breaths, come on," she encouraged. "I'll do it with you. In… 123... out. In… 123… out. That's it, one more time. There you go." Her breaths became a little more steady. Her tears finally ceased and the brunette them away with a shaking hand. She was trembling so hard and Emma wanted to pull her into her arms and hold her, but right now Regina didn't want to be touched.

"Gina, that shouldn't have happened. Did he hurt you?" Her eyes were still so fearful even through the haze of the sedative she received earlier. Emma looked her over and didn't see anything wrong or any sign of clothes being removed, which hopefully meant Sydney didn't get far. The blanket was moved to the side though, exposing her in her hospital gown.

"Ms. Mills, did he force any kind of intercourse on you?" the nurse asked worriedly as she checked her vitals once more and then slowly covered her with the blanket so as to not frighten her further.

"No, he just groped me," she responded, her voice still sounding painfully hoarse. She was shaking so hard and her complexion was pale. Her breathing was still off so the nurse had Emma gently put an oxygen mask on her.

"I'm going to get the doctor to evaluate her," the nurse said and then left the two women alone. The security had said something about standing guard outside Sydney's room so he wouldn't escape, and left as well.

"I'm sorry," Emma whispered, beating herself up even if it wasn't her fault. She should have stayed. Regina's eyes flashed suddenly, the anger overshadowing the fear. She tore the oxygen mask from her face.

"Don't be!" she hissed and Emma didn't miss the disgust in her tone. "I asked for it!"

"What?" she asked, shocked at what she was hearing.

"I used him and he was trying to make me pay!"

"Wait, you used him? Like back when Henry believed the town was cursed and you were the evil queen?"

"No! Emma! I wanted to get back at Spencer so I had Sydney dig up information and expose him before I was admitted into suicide watch. Apparently he wanted to be rewarded. I figured I'd write him a check or something, but he wanted something I would never be willing to give him."

"He's obsessed with you," Emma stated the obvious. She had seen the way that sleazy reporter slash lawyer looked at her, even when she had been married to Leopold.

"I know that, which is why he was so easy to use. I deserved every bit of it."

"That's not an excuse!" Emma snapped at her without meaning to. She was furious at Sydney. She was furious at herself. How could she not realize Regina scheming? She was mad at Regina for giving into old habits and believing she deserved to be assaulted for her actions. "There's no excuse to justify him touching you."

"Leave, Emma," Regina's voice suddenly became cold, her eyes staring up to the ceiling.

"No," Emma refused to let her push her away. "We need to talk."

"I don't want to talk. After what I've done, after what Henry had seen, I don't deserve anything."

Emma could feel the anger coming off of her in waves. Now that the sedative was wearing off, it seemed like the haze was clearing away and she was spiraling again. This time instead of the grief she had felt from before, she was angry.

"Do you really believe that?" she asked, her voice softening. She didn't want to be angry at Regina when the brunette's own anger was rising. Her temper was spiraling like her emotions and Emma refused to feed the fire.

Regina tried sitting up, and as much as Emma wanted to help her, she refrained from touching her. When she succeeded, she pulled her knees to her chest and held the blanket up to her chin, covering herself as much as possible. She was probably feeling self conscious after Sydney had assaulted her. She was shaking still, and hasn't stopped since she pulled Sydney away from her. Her eyes were averted, her face fixed in a cold kind of anger that sent chills down Emma's spine. In a way Regina seemed to be detached from herself just like Archie had observed. No self worth, was the term the therapist had used. She hated herself, loathed herself, and believed she deserved all the horrible things that happened to her.

Regina didn't answer, and Emma started to think about the decision she needed to make. Regina needed someone who knew what they were doing when it came to treating mental health disorders. She should have gotten her extensive help the moment she saw the first red flag before they had even moved in together. Now here they were in Regina's rock bottom. She was so far gone Emma couldn't even recognize her through the anger and pain anymore. She slowly approached the bed and encouraged the brunette to loosen her tight grip on the hem of the blanket.

"Can I hold you?" she whispered. Regina hesitated and after a long moment, she nodded her consent. Emma sat on the edge of the bed, facing her and slowly pulled her into her arms. Her body became rigid despite her consent.

"Relax, baby," Emma whispered, her own voice shaking. She pressed a sweet kiss on her head, knowing what she had to do. Archie said the knowledge of Henry finding her might be enough to push her to accept Dr. Blaze's help, but Emma had a feeling it still wasn't enough. As much as she didn't want to do this, it might be what was best for Regina. This was the sacrifice she needed to make in order to help her.

"I love you," Emma whispered, holding her tight as if she might lose her if she lets go. Her own body started racking with tears. After all, in a way she was. "But I'm not enough for you, at least not right now. You need to love yourself first and I don't think you ever learned to do that. I think now, it's time I let you go. Perhaps this was my fault. We rushed into a relationship so fast that you never even got a chance."

"You're leaving me?" she asked, her voice so small and broken compared to the hot anger she was spewing just moments ago. She pulled back to see watery heartbroken dark eyes. Regina looked shell shocked and so heartbroken it only made her sobs stronger.

"I'm not leaving you alone, and I'm not taking Henry, but we can no longer be in a relationship until you start to heal. I'm not doing this because I can't handle it. I want to give you your best chance, and right now that is me stepping back and you learning who Regina is and how to love her. Do you understand?"

"No," Regina shook her head, her own tears escaping. "Emma, don't leave me please," she cried, so devastated. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Live," she urged her. "Go to the retreat. Travel. Find Regina."

"And leave you and Henry behind?"

"I'll always be waiting for you and I know Henry will too."

"No, Emma I can't just abandon our son," she whispered, her chin trembling as more tears escaped down her cheek. Emma reached out, relieved that this time Regina didn't tense or flinch away from her. She placed her hand on her cheek, swiping her tears away with her thumb and gently kissed her cheek.

"At least think about going to the retreat," she whispered. "I know you're scared. I know you don't trust people, but maybe this might be what saves you."

Regina had cried. She had finally agreed to the retreat, but she had cried and it wasn't just from the fear and the anxiety, but she was truly heartbroken. Emma could see the grief and pain in her eyes and she felt so guilty. She had to keep reminding herself why she was doing this. She wanted more than anything to take back what she had done, but what good would come out of it when Regina was spiraling.

Henry was with Ruby so nothing stopped her from storming into Regina's study and raiding her apple cider. She didn't even bother with a glass or light the hearth. She sat at Regina's desk in the cold dim room and drank straight from the bottle. She needed to numb the pain, the heartbreak and the guilt. She couldn't get those brown eyes out of her head, so she tried to drown the image instead.

A thought suddenly came to mind. Something she hadn't given much thought to, but now she couldn't stop thinking about it. Regina had been so immersed in a drawing she was doing with Henry. When she had finished it, she had put it away and never said anything about it. Emma opened the desk drawer and found her work portfolio at the bottom. She hasn't used it since she quit her job. Emma remembered her hiding the drawing inside it sometimes, so she grabbed it and laid it on the desk. She opened the portfolio, and the moment she saw it, she started bawling.

It was a drawing of a broken feather with darkness shaded around it. It was so beautiful, but yet so heartbreaking, just like Regina herself. She was so artistic just like Henry. It was no wonder where he got it from. The feather looked so soft and realistic even if it was broken and scraggly. She gently traced her finger on the feather. It was almost like she was touching the real thing. She got a sense of broken hope just by looking at this. This was a cry for help, and help was exactly what Regina was getting.