In My Blood
Chapter 26
Please R&R
"Aunt Addison, can't we go to the movies, or the zoo, or maybe ice skating, or shopping? You used to love shopping." Willow begs, flopping herself over the couch, sighing at me with extreme boredom.
"Your Mother wouldn't like that." I point out. "The rules are I don't leave the house without her, or Uncle Mark." I hate these stupid rules. I wish they'd both just leave me alone already. I haven't spoken to Mark since divorce court, but I know he still calls Meredith bi weekly to 'checkup' on me.
"Does it really matter? You're divorced from Uncle Mark now, and Mommy's not here. She's at the doctors with Oakley. Everything is ALWAYS all about Oakley." She pouts, and it takes more than it should not to roll my eyes at her. "You're an adult, you don't have to do what anyone else says, not really."
"But you want me to do what you say?" I ask, pointing out the obvious flaw in her five-year-old logic. "Most of this is just part of being a big sister, Willow. Sometimes babies get sick and need more attention. You were sick plenty when you were little, and your mom gave the same attention to you." I say, without thinking it through.
"She's not my sister. Heavenly is my sister."
"Well Heavenly's gone, so Oakley may be as good as it gets unless your Mommy and Daddy decide to have another baby." I respond, bitterly.
"No." She answers, and then gets up, walking over to the window overlooking the road that I spent so much time in after Heavenly's death. She climbs up on the bench and pulls her favorite blanket around her. She is quiet as she watches the passerby's and I sit down next to her.
"No what baby girl?"
"It's not as good as it gets. This can't be as good as it gets. I want to go home." She is crying now, and I'm not sure what just happened.
"Your Daddy is off work today. Would you like me to call him to come get you?" I offer.
"No."
"You'll have to wait for your Mommy then."
"I love Oakley."
"I know you do; she loves you too, very much. Do you like having a baby in the house?" I ask her gently. "Or is it too rough on you?"
"It's been so fun. I always have someone to play with again."
"Do you want to tell me why you're crying?" I ask her. This conversation seems too grown up to be having with someone so young. Inappropriate. I shouldn't be talking about this with her, not without her mom here. I remember a time when I was as good as her mom. When our lives were normal, and everything made sense. Could it really have been only 18 months since our lives changed forever? It seems like a lifetime.
"Why don't you want her Aunt Addison?" She asks me, starring me down with those piercing blue eyes.
"You're too little to understand this Willow." I say, trying to be gentle, but just ending up sounding dismissive. She looks hurt, and her bottom lip trembles. "You're still just a little girl."
"I'm not so little!" She objects. "I can ride a two-wheeler bike AND I know how to do laundry and the dishes by myself without messing it up. I help take care of Oakley AND I make good grades in school AND I was promoted in equestrian lessons, ballet, and French."
"I thought you didn't want to do those extracurricular lessons anymore?" I ask her gently. "That's a lot of responsibility for someone your age." I frown, it seems like too much. She should be little, riding bikes and playing on the playground. Spending her free time doing the things that she loves. I am not against chores, but I just want her to enjoy being little.
"I didn't, at first." She admits, "Aunt Addison, do you remember when Heavenly broke her leg?" She asks me, and I nod, wondering how SHE remembers Heavenly breaking her leg, they were only three at the time. "She was so sad that she couldn't ride horses and dance with me, but she came to every lesson anyway, and watched."
"We did." I say, nodding in agreement.
"I wanted to stop and sit on the sidelines with her until she was better, but she told me no, I had to keep going. She told me the same thing a few months ago, so I asked mommy to put me back in the lessons we did together."
"That's wonderful Willow."
"Heavenly says losing another child will break you. I don't want you to be broken again Aunt Addison, you're still a little cracked, but you're mending." She says softly, gently touching where the feeding tube attached to my face, disconnected at the moment, but how many times had she been here when I was attached or visited when I was in the hospital hooked up to so many wires and machines? Too many times to count. I wonder if it scares her. If I scare her.
"She's too young to understand as well."
"She's as big as me. She's not too young. She's only forever four in your mind because you can't see her." She reasons, suddenly annoyed with me, like the age difference between four almost five and five almost six was so much, so big.
"Well then, you're both too small." I say again, trying to tone things down a little bit. "Its impossible for you to fully comprehend the things adults have to do to keep their children safe." We look at eachother, and I'm sure we're both thinking the same thing, but neither saying it. 'I didn't keep Heavenly safe.' "Your mom will be back soon, lets bake cookies. "I say, trying to distract her.
"I don't want to; my mommy doesn't allow me to have sugar."
"Play Barbies?"
"No."
"Movie date in the home cinema?"
"Noooooo." She whines at me. I wish it wasn't considered rude to cover my ears the shrillness in her tone physically hurts.
"Well, your mom just texted and she'll be back in about an hour. She has to swing by the pharmacy and pick up Oakley's antibiotics, so what DO you want to do?"
"Can we go up to the rooftop garden?" She asks me.
"No, it's locked. I don't have a key." I say, quickly. In the before time we spent hours on the rooftop. The girls had built a 'magical land' out of old sheets on a clothes line that was installed years before we moved in. They would run between them, dancing, and playing all afternoon long. Their delighted shrieks lighting up the air. Sometimes if I strain my mind hard enough, I can still hear the sound of them giggling and shrieking as they played. The door was locked shortly after Heavenly died, and no one has been up there since. The walls surrounding the rooftop were tall enough to provide a safe play area for children, but not tall enough to stop an adult if they were determined to do something detrimental. I assume they were afraid I would jump.
"Hmmph." She pouts, frustratedly.
"Why don't you go play with Heavenly then?" I offer. It's ridiculous, but I am running out of options other than sit here and be bored with this child until her mother returns. "Or you could take a nap, then I could take a nap."
"She's not here today, and five-year-old are way too old for naps!"
"I must be ancient then. I love naps." I say. "Where is she?" I ask, wondering if it is just that Willow is getting older, and maybe she is starting to believe less, and as a result see the imagination ghost friend, she thinks to be Heavenly less and less.
"She's been visiting Uncle Mark lately. She gets so frustrated because ya'll can't hear her, when she's right there, screaming in your ears, but she keeps trying. You are actually kind of aincent Aunt Addison, you're forty and forty is like five times…." She stops and thinks. "Five times eight, so you're eight times me."
"You're really getting good at multiplication." I say. Ignoring the rest. It hurts too much.
"I don't want to be a surgeon when if I grow up." She says.
"Oh?" I ask her, not ignoring the fact that she said if, and not when. "Well, what do you want to be?"
"I don't know." She responds looking so lost. She climbs up onto my lap, and we sit, looking out the window for a long while in silence.
"I don't know how to fix this Willow, but what I do know is when you grow up you are going to do amazing things. You're a wonderful caring, compassionate, little girl. You are smart, and you have the power to be anything you want to be. You just have to hold on to that okay?"
"Did you do your nutritional bag?" Meredith asks, coming inside and handing me Oakley.
"Awe honey you don't feel good do you boogie?" I ask her. She looks at me and pouts, shaking her head no, and resting it on my chest. "It's ok your medicine will make you feel all better soon." I soothe her. They had given her first dose of pain reliever and antibiotics at the doctors appointment, so she won't be due again for a few more hours.
"Addison?" Meredith asks, and I look up. Willow is happily eating pancakes with strawberries. Honey instead of syrup for sweetness. She didn't even notice when her mom came into the room.
"No, I haven't done it yet, but I will." I say. "What did the doctor say?"
"It's just an ear infection. It should clear with the two weeks of antibiotics. Addison you know you have to maintain a strict schedule with your NG tube feeds." She looks disappointed, like she left me alone for such a short time and I can't even manage to do this one little thing.
"I signed the paperwork." I say, pushing the manilla envelope towards her. "You just have to file them with the courts and she's yours." She had dropped off the adoption paperwork with me when she dropped Willow off. Mark had already signed them. He didn't even call to ask or talk to me about it. Just signed our life away. He's already moved on. New woman, new kid. We were disposable. I wasn't that much better. I wanted to put her up for adoption from before she came out of the womb. I always knew this was going to happen. Like I manifested into the universe. Seeing his name on the paper gave me the strength to sign mine. How much easier would this have been if Mark had let me give her up for adoption in the beginning though?
"Addison…" Meredith says cautiously.
"No… Meredith I'm fine."
"You're not going to be fine. You have impulse control issues and zero idea what you're doing." Willow chimes in, taking another bite of her breakfast.
"You should finish your breakfast and let your Mother and I talk." I correct her, warningly.
"But Heavenly said…" She argues.
"I don't care what Heavenly told you. If you want to be argumentative at the tale you can excuse yourself. I don't want to listen to it." She narrows her eyes at me, pushing her chair back so hard she nearly topples it over, and goes to the sink. She washes her hands and face before storming upstairs "I'm sorry." I say, turning to Meredith. "I should have just let you…"
"It's fine. "Meredith says, tiredly. Distracted by attempting to wipe the snot from Oakley's nose with a baby wipe. Oakley fights and wiggles away from her, and wipes her nose back and forth on my top instead.
"Oakley I'm going to need you to not." I say. She looks up at me with her big doe like eyes and then giggles. Meredith hands me another baby wipe and I clean off my shirt, and attack the mess that Oakley's made on her face with a second wipe.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Meredith asks me.
"About what?" I ask, and she looks expectantly from me to Oakley, and then to the manilla envelope I had pushed towards her. "No." I say simply.
"I'm not going to file the paperwork Addison, you're not there yet."
"Meredith, you have to file them with the courts, or it isn't official. She's yours. She's always been yours, since the day you took her home and your family fell in love with her."
"I can't stop thinking about what Willow said."
"Seriously?" I ask her, raising my eyebrows.
"You were hoping I forgot?" She asks.
"What do I have to do to prove myself to you? "I ask her.
"I want you to stop giving up." She says simply.
"I'm not giving up. You wanted to adopt her. I made it happen, now do your part." I protest, and Oakley looks up at me, shocked at my change of tone, and begins crying. I bounce her, and pat her back, apologizing, trying to soothe away the hurt.
"Uh huh." Meredith says, rolling her eyes at me. "How long have I been camping in the guest room now?" She asks me.
"I tell you every day to go home." I remind her.
"You do, but I made a promise."
"Do promises to Mark really count at this point? I have no more ties with him."
"He still loves you Addison, he just doesn't know how to help." She stops and is thoughtful for a moment. "I didn't mean my promise to him, I meant my promise to you."
"I'm fine."
"Oh please." She says. "Let's not do this Addison, you're not fine, we all know your I'm fines are weighted. What are you really feeling?" She asks with a sigh. "Stop trying to push me away. It hasn't worked this far."
"I'm not pushing you away."
"Oh yeah?" Meredith asks.
"I'm not I just… Willow misses you, and Oakley needs stability. You could spend more time at home with them now that I'm getting better every day. I think the divorce was freeing."
"I can't trust you."
"Why is that?" I ask her. "You can't baby-sit me 24/7 Meredith."
"I don't want her if it means I'm going to lose you."
"You'll never lose me Meredith…I'm right here…I will always. "I take a deep breath. "I will always be right here. I'm not going anywhere."
Authors Note:
Thank you for reading chapter 26 of In My Blood. I love Willow so much. It's fun to have her be a part of this story. Addison's mind is made, but Meredith feels she still isn't ready. I want something to happen with Mark, but not sure what.