Chapter Thirteen: Guilt (Original)

Ochako stared at the green door before her. Only moments prior, it had been a flimsy rectangle made of wood and lacquer. Now, it was an insurmountable wall, a chasm that she couldn't fathom crossing. Open it. Open it, you coward. It had been several excruciatingly long minutes since Bakugo had gone downstairs, and still she stood, unable to move. Her brain ached, trying with all of her might to force her body into action. Open it... please, just... move. She could still hear Izuku's soft sobs from beyond the thin wooden panel. As the sounds of his grief washed over her, a single tear ran down her face. What are you doing? The love of your life is in there. In pain. Don't... don't you want to help? Don't you want to make him smile again? Her breath caught in her throat as she choked back her own desire to cry. Despite her efforts, she wouldn't be able to avoid the truth of the matter. It was a dark pit, forming in her stomach, and the more she ignored it, the more it grew. This single, wretched fact sat in her abdomen, and the weight of it brought her to her knees. She struggled to breathe as her tears began to flow. She had to face it.

I can't make this better.

Ochako cried. Collapsing completely onto the floor, she sobbed as the whirlwind of self-hatred swirled around her. Useless. You're useless. Didn't you say you'd help? You're not doing anything right now. Didn't you say he wasn't alone? I don't see anyone in there with him. Her hand covered her mouth as the silent agony enveloped her. What, are you just gonna hug him? Kiss him, and make it better? Although she hadn't used her quirk, she felt moments away from vomiting. Yeah. Just give him a little peck on the cheek, you idiot. That'll totally make up for the whole, 'you took a girl's father away' thing. Why did you think you would ever be able to help? Why did you think you were good enough?

Her head snapped up as she heard a crash in the room. Eyes widening, she reached up, fingers tracing the doorknob. For the barest moment, her hand tensed, ready to open the door. Useless. The small amount of resolve she had gathered faded, and her hand fell back to her side. Useless. Fresh tears fell in rivulets as she heard a muffled scream. Useless. Several more agonized cries cracked through the space beneath the door. Useless. Another loud crash came from the room, and then... silence. Ochako furiously wiped at her wet face, and looked back up at the door. Forgoing her other senses, she focused her hearing. Nothing. No more screams rang out, no more sobs were heard. Maybe... maybe he fell asleep. Once again, she reached for the door. Once again, she found her hand back at her side.

Useless.

Katsuki sat at the end of the hall, staring at the girl before him. C'mon Uraraka. Stand up. He had been watching for several minutes now, barely holding himself back from running to her. You're strong... stronger than this. Stand up. He watched as she reacted to a large crash emanating from the room. Her hand rose, only to fall once again. Uraraka. You can do this. It rose a second time. It fell a second time. Katsuki couldn't hold himself back any longer.

In a few long strides, he was by her side. Slowly, he reached down, placing a hand on her shoulder. A sliver of pain shot through his chest, and his heart screamed at him to do more. Hold her. Tell her she'll be okay. He quickly crushed the feeling. After all, he had plenty of practice. He tried to convince himself he felt nothing as she turned her head up, her beautiful brown eyes shimmering with tears. "Uraraka." She shivered as he said her name. Katsuki cursed himself as he felt the faintest blush touch his cheeks. "Are you okay?" She didn't seem to understand the question.

"Bakugo, what... what are you doing?" Her face was a blend of residual pain and budding confusion. His gut twisted. Why would she understand? You're not exactly kind to her. Grimacing, he tried to push through the self-loathing.

"What are YOU doing?" His voice came out choppy, and a little too confrontational. His heart tore into itself as he watched her flinch at his response. You idiot. He continued in a lower tone. "Why aren't you going in? He... needs you." He could feel the knife plunging into his chest as the words left his mouth. What am I doing? His mouth continued to move, completely detached from his mind. "I think he wanted you to come." I want you to stay. "You can't be scared, he needs you." I need you. "I know it's... heavy... what happened, but that's precisely why he needs help bearing the weight." My shoulders feel so heavy. Would you ever support mine? "This is hard. Hard on you both." It's hard on me too. "But you're strong. Both of you." Stronger than me. "You can get through this together. All you need to do... is open that door." He stood back, catching his breath from his impromptu speech. Her eyes had fallen to the ground. His chest ached. What... what am I doing? She's right there, hurting. Why don't I comfort her? Why am I sending her to him? He turned away from her, worried that his emotions would spill onto his face. After a moment of silence, he began to walk away, before her hand closed around his wrist.

"Bakugo." He turned his head as little as possible, while still allowing eye contact. The doubt in her eyes had disappeared, replaced with the same determination he had seen when they fought. The look I fell in love with. "Thank you." He tugged himself from her grasp, and continued to walk down the hall. A single tear traveled down his face.

"Whatever."

Ochako stared at the green door before her. Thanks to Bakugo's intervention, her resolve had returned. In a short movement, she turned the knob, and stepped inside. As she closed the door behind her, darkness enveloped her. With her sight removed, she focused on her ears. From somewhere in the center of the room, she heard breathing. Ragged, but even. He's asleep. Feeling her way to Izuku's desk, she turned on the lamp, painting the room in a warm yellow-orange light. She quickly clamped her hands over her mouth, swallowing a scream.

Oh no.

The room was destroyed. Izuku's belongings were scattered around the room, likely victim to the tornado of his grief. The footboard of the bed was snapped in half, and one of the side tables was caved in, as if he had driven his fist down into it. As bad as the damage was to the room, it paled in comparison to the walls. Izuku's All Might posters, some of his most prized possessions, lay in tattered ruins. In several spots, four deep grooves cut into the wall, showing the path of his fingers as he ripped through his dreams. He... tore them down. All of them. She felt fresh tears running down her face. Her eyes finally fell to the floor.

In the center of the room, curled into a ball, lay Izuku. While his breathing was weak, and his face was contorted in distress, but Ochako could see he was asleep. Approaching his bed, she quickly cleaned the wood debris from the sheets, before pulling them back. Turning, she gingerly lifted him in her arms, with the help of her quirk. She placed him gently into the bed, before turning the lamp off. Taking out her phone, she sent a text to Tsu, asking her to watch Eri for the night. Quickly shedding her shirt and skirt, leaving just her undershirt on, she crept into bed with him. In the time it took her to undress, he had already turned in his sleep, and now faced the wall. Pulling herself flush to him, she wrapped her arms around his chest, and buried her face in his back. I can feel him trembling in his sleep. Squeezing her eyes closed against the flash of pain in her chest, a final thought stuck in her mind.

Please. Please be okay.

Izuku stood on a grassy hill, overlooking the cemetery. He took a deep breath. Looking further into the yard, he could see the open grave, with chairs placed in a neat square before it. There it is. Am I... can I do this? A low voice rang from behind him, as if hearing his thoughts. "You can do this, young Midoriya." All Might approached, his usual yellow striped suit traded out for somber black. As All Might drew even with him, he placed a hand on his shoulder, and offered a sad smile. Without another word, the pair moved towards the service.

As they approached the grave, Izuku scanned the area. Besides the priest, no one had arrived yet. He checked his watch. We're not that early... Sighing, he stepped closer to the slab of granite before him. His eyes meticulously drifted over each letter carved into it.

Haruo Kubo
B. 1992
D. 2018

His eyes took it in again, and then a third time. Is there some sort of mistake? There was no description of the man, no indication of the life he had left behind. Even for a villian... Izuku felt nauseous. This isn't here to commemorate him. It's here purely by necessity. He gaped silently at the stone as All Might approached it, reading it himself. "So young..." his idol sighed sadly, before a short gasp caught in his throat. "Young, Midoriya, I-"

"It's fine." Izuku turned his head, trying to hide his tears. Despite his efforts, he still found himself pulled into a tight hug.

"It's okay, young Midoriya." All Might's voice sounded strained. "You don't need to be strong, not for me. I am here." For a moment, Izuku was tempted to let his guard down and let his emotions out, but he remembered where he was. Taking a deep breath, he allowed himself a few more moments of comfort before breaking away from the embrace. He turned back to the gravestone, and knelt. A chill ran through him, although the day was clear and warm. He ran his hand along the granite for a moment, deep in thought.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your life turned out like this. I'm sorry that I couldn't control my power. I'm sorry that this is how you'll be remembered. He shook his head almost imperceptibly. I know it's not my fault. You attacked us. You tried to kill her. Everything I know tells me I should hate you. He sighed. But... I don't. I'm just sad. I wish... I wish something could've been different. That anything could've been different.

He stood easily, suddenly feeling much lighter. Closing his eyes, he nodded his head to the grave. "Goodbye, Mr. Kubo." He turned away from the headstone, and walked towards the next chapter in his life. Offering All Might a genuine smile, he rejoined the man, and the pair made their way back towards the hill. As Izuku passed through the row of chairs, several of which had begun to fill, low chatter reached his ears. He heard speculation on how the man had died, comments on the man's age. Reaching the very last row, his eyes were scanning the horizon, and he heard it.

"Oh, honey... the family just arrived."

Family?

His body was moving on its own. He heard All Might call his name, but he ignored the sound. Once again moving past the chairs, the chatter grew into a roar. The sound rumbled in his head, and his eardrums felt ready to explode. Looking towards the grave, he saw that he had made no progress towards it. He broke into a run. I need to. I need to. Over and over, his feet found the ground in front of him. Moments stretched into years as he raced forward. The path was stretching, and he could see miles and miles of chairs stretching before him. He cried out in desperation, but continued blindly hurdling forward. Just when he felt ready to collapse, he was there. Looking back, he saw All Might, arm outstretched, a mere 50 feet behind him. He turned back.

An outline of a woman stood between him and the grave. He was close, so close he could reach out and touch her, but he couldn't discern a single characteristic. His hand moved forward on it's own, moving to touch her shoulder. Before he could make contact, the woman's form shifted, moving like smoke, and reappeared to the side. His eyes trailed down to the space she had previously occupied.

An even smaller form stood in his path.

The figure ahead was clear. His mind struggled to comprehend the image as he studied the shape before him. A small girl, perhaps six or seven years old, stood facing the grave. Her brown hair was cropped short to her shoulders. She wore an expensive-looking black dress, long embroidered white socks, and shined black shoes that appeared to be well cared for. Overall, a cute little girl. As he took in the sight before him, he noticed a single detail that changed the entire portrait.

She's trembling.

She's crying.

All light drained from the world as he began to understand. Reaching down, his hand moved towards the girls shoulder. His fingers landed lightly on her ice-cold skin, and his blood ran cold. The girl spun, wailing, as tears of blood ran from her empty eye sockets. Izuku screamed as he fell backwards. Turning, he moved to scrabble away, and looked to All Might.

He was alone.

As his eyes travelled around the darkness around him, the water level began to rise. He looked down, and saw that liquid had already filled the space up to his shins. An iron smell assaulted his senses. As comprehension took hold, he spun back to the shrieking girl. Clutching the gravestone, she reared her head, as rivers of blood flowed from her empty eyes. Izuku watched in horror as the white granite was stained red. Shivering as the blood reached his waist, He thrashed around, panicking, and looked for a way out. As his head turned, he caught the faintest light in the corner of his eye. It took all the strength he had to move towards the light. As he approached it, the sea of blood pushed back violently. Striking forward with all his might, he reached the light. A hand reached down to him. The hand seemed warm and inviting, and in the faint glow, he could see the pads at the tip of each finger. His arm shot forward as the light extinguished. His hand found another, but it felt smaller than what he had seen. As the blood rose, his head dipped beneath the surface. Kicking up, he broke through, catching sight of his saviour. A porcelain white hand lay in his. As his eyes traveled up the arm, he caught sight of an expensive black dress. His eyes met empty, bloody sockets. The girl peered down at him, almost curiously, and asked him a single question in a sad tone.

"Why did you do it?"

Blood enveloped him, and he sank down into deep, deep darkness.

He woke screaming, shaking Ochako from her own troubled sleep. Still in shock, she clutched at him as his body convulsed and twitched. He cried out, and tears ran down her face as his fear overwhelmed them. As his body slowed, he collapsed into the bed, sapped of all energy. Ochako held on tighter. Please be okay, please be okay, please... Izu... His breathing was ragged, and his eyes darted wildly in every direction. Finally, they settled on her.

"O...Ochako?" He croaked as he seemed to realize he was awake. His hand drifted to his mouth, and he seemed to relish every breath of air. He flinched as her hand found his cheek.

"Izu? Are you okay?" Her usual knot of worry had found its way to her stomach. She waited for his answer, but she didn't need it.

"I..." He was still getting a grasp on speaking. "I... don't know." He shifted uncomfortably, momentarily breaking their eye contact. After take a short, steadying breath, his eyes met hers once more. "I had a nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ochako managed to squeak out, holding back her tears. I'm strong. I need to be. I will support him. One hand remained on his face, while the other snaked around his torso, pulling him into a tighter embrace. Her heart skipped as he accepted her, wrapping his own arms around her as his face nuzzled into her neck. With a short grunt, he closed his eyes, shivering slightly. She felt new moisture on her neck as she moved to stroke his hair, giving him the time he needed. After several minutes of silently taking comfort from each other, he finally spoke.

"I'm... I'm so scared, Ochako." She sat up, moving him with her, and gave him space. Resting her hand on his, she gestured for him to continue. "At the funeral, I met his D-daughter..." His voice cracked as he struggled to speak. "I... I hurt her. So much. I ruined her life."

"Izu..." She was at a loss for words. "It wasn't your fault.

"IT WAS!" Ochako jumped slightly at his raised voice. Remorse instantly crossed his face, and he leaned back against the wall, eyes closed. Ochako quickly closed the distance, positioning herself next to him, and leaned her head on his shoulder. After another pause, his mouth opened again. "You didn't have to see her. How hopeless she looked. How... lost." He gulped. "Ochako, I... I killed her father. And when... when I saw her there, crying at his grave..." His voice hitched in his throat. His eyes slowly opened, and he looked to the ceiling. He took a deep breath and continued, his voice steadier. "All I could see was Eri, crying at my feet. I took her father away too." She opened her mouth to speak, but he continued, louder then before. "Ochako, it... it hurts so much. I can't undo the things I've done. I can't stop the pain that the people left behind feel. I can never change what happens, and I can't move on, and I can't-" Ochako's hand moved to his face, cutting him off before he could spiral further. His hand covered the one on his face, but his eyes remained dark. "How..." His eyes moved to the gouged walls, and the scraps of the posters. His eyes closed once more, and when he spoke she could hear him struggling to get the words out. "How can someone like me be a hero?"

Ochako's heart broke. Her right hand laced with his left, and she turned her head, lightly kissing his shoulder. "Izu..." Her mind raced as she tried to piece together her emotions. After a moment, she found the words, and buried her face in his chest. "Izu, it's not like that at all. With Eri... That man wasn't Eri's father. You know that." They both knew she was right, but his guilt was clouding his vision. She had to help him see. "You're the best thing she's ever had. Izu, it really hurts when your can't see that. You saved her life. And her heart. She loves you. You're her hero." She leaned up, placing another kiss on his cheek as his body shook with sobs. "And I love you. You're my hero too." She resumed her position at his chest. For a few minutes, they sat silently entwined as Izuku's tears dripped down his face.

When his breathing had slowed, Ochako stood, offering her hand. With confusion dancing in his wet eyes, his hand found hers. She quickly dressed, taking one of his coats, and he followed her lead. Pulling him from the room, he silently followed as she made her way to their destination. As she pushed the roof door open, cool night air caressed her face. It was a little after midnight, but between the stars and the city lights twinkling in the distance, it was bright enough to see. Dragging him over to the railing, she leaned against it, looking out over the sparkling city, her side pressed into his. She let out a small gasp of surprise as he moved behind her, wrapping his arms around her, and resting his head beside hers. She leaned back into his warmth, enjoying his presence. For what felt like hours, they stood silently, appraising the shining sky and city before them. When he finally spoke, his voice was low, but warm.

"Ochako, thank you." He pressed his face closer to her for a moment. "I... love you, so, so much. But-" She spun around in his arms, so that she was facing him. Placing her hands on his chest, she leaned up, pressing her lips to his. I'm not letting his mind go back in that direction. Not again. As the warmth of his mouth spread across her, she tried to pour all the feelings she had accumulated into him. Her hope, joy, love, fear, sadness, guilt; she felt it all fly through their connection. When she pulled back, she saw tears in the corners of his eyes. He looked surprised, and completely, utterly, in love. He gazed down at her like she was the only thing that had ever existed, and the glow of his admiration felt like basking in the sun. One of her hands found his cheek, and his look gave her the strength to say what he needed to hear.

"Izuku, I don't know if it's going to get better. You're right, this is... so... so scary. But, when I'm with you..." She was astonished that she still had enough humility to blush. His eyes shone like emeralds as they burned with love, and she was sure hers were no different. "I feel like... no, I know... we can do anything. We can get through this. I love you, Izuku Midoriya, more than anything I've ever known, and you are going to be okay." A small smile graced his lips. Small, but real. She knew what else he needed to hear, likely more than he did. "And with... the other girl..." His eyes widened in surprise. "We can... find her, if you want. Talk to her. Help her, if we can." Tears poured from his eyes and he gazed into hers, but Ochako saw no sadness in them. "You're my hero. You're Eri's hero, too. And... and I think you can be hers." The space between them disappeared in a flash, and she found his head buried in the crook of her neck. The volume of his tears had increased, and he muttered into her.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." His voice was low and wet, but it burned with the warmth of a thousand suns. Ochako smiled, kissing his hair, and stepped back, taking his hands once more. He looked up, eyes meeting hers.

"Okay! Eri went to sleep with Tsu, but..." She said excitedly, one hand in his, as she turned and made for the door. She turned back to him, giving him the brightest smile she could manage. "Imagine the look that'll be on her face when she wakes up with us!" She turned back to continue walking, but he didn't move.

"Ochako..." His voice hit the back of her head. She stood, still facing the door, waiting to see what he would say. "You'll... stay, right? With me?" I love you, you idiot. She turned back to him, eyes on the ground, and pulled him into another hug. With her hands on his back, she could feel the tension releasing from his shoulders. They breathed into each other, existing as one.

"Always."