The next morning I woke slowly and, as the previous day's memories filtered through my mind, with an unfamiliar fluttering in my stomach. Half joy, half terror; a small bird uncertainly trembling in the rays of the morning sun. Every moment of the kiss Felix and I had shared was etched indelibly into my memory. I replayed it over and over as I washed and dressed — the aurora in his eyes, the touch of his lips, his breath mingling with my own — and found myself selecting an outfit and arranging my hair with far more care than usual before making my way to the Skeever for breakfast.
I was nervous; torn between wanting to race down to the inn and apprehension at what I would actually find. Would Corpulus, Minette and Inigo already know? How would they react? More importantly, how would Felix himself react? Had it just been a holiday kiss, born of the heady rush of feastday emotions or … something more? The previous night I had been sure it was the latter, but my racing pulse as I pushed open the front door betrayed my worry that it had indeed been the former.
It only took until Felix's gaze lifted from the bar to know that my heart hadn't hoped in vain. I saw there the very same tentative uncertainty which was twisting my own stomach into knots dissolve in a rush of sweetness and warmth, and as his face broke into a broad, crooked smile I felt as though I'd swallowed a whole mugful of rich chocolate.
"Hallo," he said.
"Morning," I replied.
Then we merely stood there, staring and smiling, green eyes to brown, until Corpulus' hearty laugh brought us back to the present.
"'Bout time," he chuckled, slapping Felix on the back, as Inigo whooped from beside the fire.
Felix and I were quiet through breakfast. It was difficult not to feel awkward in the face of Inigo's subtle and not-so-subtle teasing, Corpulus' knowing smiles and winks, and Minette's demands for details about whether, when and how we had kissed. Corpulus nearly spat out his tea when Minette asked about whether it had been 'an Imperial- or Breton-style kiss', and I had the distinct impression that her friend Svari's mother would soon be receiving a visit to discuss precisely what and how their daughters had been learning.
Even without all the blush-inducing commentary I would have found it hard to pay attention to my breakfast. Felix was sitting next to me, and every few minutes our knees would nudge against one another under the table.
After we'd finished eating Felix and I all but fled from the Skeever, Minette thankfully distracted by the prospect of her first swordsmanship lesson with Inigo. As the door swung shut behind us, our fingers interlaced, and we shared a shy smile. Corpulus had given Felix the day off, and we intended to take full advantage of the time together.
"What would you like to do?" I asked.
"Mayhap you could show me around Solitude?" he said. "I've not had a chance to see much of it, yet."
"Corpulus keeping your nose to the grindstone?"
"You could say that."
And so we explored the city, hand in hand, Meeko trotting happily alongside. I took him to see all my special places: the hidden little parks tucked away between great stone walls; the walkways along the battlements where we could watch the cityfolk going about their days, entirely unaware they were being observed from on high; the bakery where Taarie and Endarie bought their Altmer pastries. As we walked we held each other's hands tightly, and we talked. Divines, did we talk! It was as though the previous night's kiss had knocked down the walls between us, and we could finally be ourselves, and speak without falling to pieces — though not without the occasional blush and awkward pause.
Felix told me about his life back in Skingrad, where I'd already learned from Minette that the whole family used to live. Corpulus and his wife, Alexia — Felix, Sorex and Minette's mother — had run an inn together, until about seven years ago when she had fallen sick with a wasting illness and died. Overwrought with grief, Corpulus had taken Sorex and Minette and moved to Skyrim.
"Mina was too young to know much about it, of course. And Sorex was raring to go — he always wanted to see the world," Felix said sadly, brushing crostata crumbs from his fingers as we picked our way down the narrow staircase towards the docks.
Sorex's name hung in the air between us. Feeling something of a coward for not wanting to sour the mood when my heart felt so light, I deliberately ignored it, saying instead, "What about you? You didn't want to move?"
Either Felix didn't notice, or he, too, was keen to talk instead of other things. "I was sixteen. I'd only just started my apprenticeship," he said. "I was very lucky to win a place with Master Sextus. He's Skingrad's best smith. I couldn't just walk away from it."
"Was it a difficult choice? I can't imagine it would have been easy to have your family leaving you all alone, so young, and so soon after …"
Felix stared into the distance, and his face tightened almost imperceptibly. "Mine wasn't the decision that mattered," he said at last. "If Da thought the best way to deal with it was by running away … But enough of that." He shook his head. "It's in the past. And I'm here now."
I held my own crostata out of reach of Meeko, who was eyeing it beadily. "Your Master doesn't mind you coming this time? Or have you finished your apprenticeship?"
"Nearly. Which is why Master Sextus thought it was a good idea for me to come, when I got the letter from Da. The Nords are legendary smiths, you know, and once Da doesn't need my help so much I'll be able to learn a lot. This time I really did want to come, too … I've missed them so," he finished softly. "I barely recognise little Mina any more. Last I remember she was a little girl, and now look at her! Barrelling towards womanhood. And what a headstrong, fiery woman she'll be," he added with obvious pride.
"That she will." I smiled, taking his hand. "And they've missed you, too. They're so glad you're here. And … well, I am too." I blushed hard, and crammed the rest of my crostata into my mouth to try and distract from my embarrassment.
Not seeming to know what to say in response, Felix's fingers tightened around my own, and we walked in silence for a few minutes until we arrived at the docks. A slow smile spread across my face as I gestured widely at the panorama spreading from our feet.
"Here we are. Wonderful, isn't it?"
The wind tugged at my hair and I drank in the ambience. Though I rarely visited, and the pervasive smell of fish was far from appealing, I loved the bustle of the docks: the loading and unloading of cargo, the cheerful hawking, the wheeling seagulls and the glasslike water dotted with boats large and small. I could never visit without remembering my very first day in Skyrim, and the bundle of nervous excitement I had been as I'd disembarked from the Wind's Pleasure. As had become ritual, I started carefully examining each vessel.
"What're you doing?"
"I'm trying to spot whether any of the ships are the one I arrived on. I do it every time I come down to the docks. Look for a medium-sized merchant ship called the Wind's Pleasure. Squat, with light wood."
Felix chuckled but obliged, scanning the ships with me as we made our way down to the boardwalk. "You came by ship, then? Daggerfall, you said, right?"
"Yes, that's right," I replied, with a small twist of guilt.
"I've never been on a ship before. I can't imagine my gut would like all those waves. Reckon I'll stick with the carriage — slower, but safer. Less risk of my vomiting all over the place."
I giggled. "It definitely would sour your relationships with your carriage drivers. Everyone knows that the first rule of travel is to keep on your transit-person's good side."
"Mm … funny you should mention that," he said, giving me a sideways look. "You certainly seem to have the carriage drivers here well and truly on side."
"What do you mean?"
"One of my drivers bent my ear for a solid hour about the 'pretty little Breton bard' when I told him I was headed for the Skeever. Said how many of his customers had raved about her skill, charm and beauty. He said he could attest to that, as well as … what was it? That's right, her 'good if summat naive heart'."
"It was Bjorlam, wasn't it," I growled. "I'll bet it was Bjorlam."
"I can't remember," Felix said unconvincingly. A shy smile appeared on his face. "He warned me to be careful, you know. Said that" — he cleared his throat — "many a young lad has pined after the little lark, but like a lark she can be caught by no man. Told me to not to let myself get my hopes up."
I choked, turning as red as the last bit of snowberry crostata between Felix's fingers. Despite his best efforts he couldn't stifle a laugh. After dropping the treat into Meeko's waiting jaws his eyes softened, however, and he reached up a slightly sticky, calloused hand to cradle my cheek. My breath caught.
"I was sure he was right," he said softly. "That first night I saw you … and the way you played … I'd never heard or seen anything that made me feel so …"
"So what?" I intended to say, but then Felix kissed me, and my unanswered question blew away on the sea breeze.
For the next few days my head and heart were full of nothing but Felix: his smile, his eyes, his soft and gentle voice. The way his callouses felt as they brushed against my own. The way my heart lurched every time he smiled. The careful and deliberate way he thought, and acted, and spoke. Each day I had to battle with myself not to spend every minute mooning about the Skeever rather than working at my studies, and each night I went to sleep offering up prayers of thanks to Lady Mara for bringing our paths together.
Felix's next day off was the day of Old Life — the last day of the year. Inigo and I were waiting for him at my apartment, where the three of us planned to spend the day together, given the bitter wind and flurrying snow outside the thick stone walls.
"You will remember I am here, too, yes?" Inigo said, washing the breakfast dishes. "You have been making such doe eyes at one another that I sometimes worry you have otherwise gone completely blind."
"Of course I will," I said, indignant. "It's not as though you'll ever let me forget, is it? There's no such thing as a private conversation, whenever you're within a hundred yards."
Inigo sniggered. "I am your best friend, ergo, I am also Felix's best friend and should be privy to all communications between you. This is how it works, yes?"
"I'm not sure where you got that idea from, but it definitely isn't." I peered out the window. No sign, yet.
"Do not worry. We will be bosom buddies in no time."
"That's exactly what I'm worried about. Don't you go giving away all my secrets," I said sternly, turning from the window.
"Ah yes, Mister Felix must never know that you are afraid to step on a cracked cobblestone in case it summons a Daedra."
I flushed. "Well, yes, that. But I mostly mean all my family … matters."
"You have not told him?"
"No," I said. "It's too soon. What if it scares him off? Or worse, what if the prospect of land or titles … changes him, or how he sees me? It's happened before. Bu70./00oys back home who either turned into simpering sycophants or immediately tried to prove that they would make such a fine lord and ruler that I should immediately bed or marry them. Or both. I want to just be allowed to be … myself, with him."
Inigo frowned at me as he put away the last bowl. "I understand this fear. But it is a problem you must face, one day, if you are to have a future together."
"Inigo, it's been less than a week," I snapped. "Let's leave talk of futures out of this."
Felix arrived not long after. Even before he knocked Meeko had announced his approaching presence with a few booming barks and a frantically waving tail.
"Hallo, boy," Felix said, as I pulled open the door and Meeko reared up to rest his paws on Felix's chest. "Careful! I'm carrying groceries, and I don't think your mistress would like me spilling them all over her floor. And hallo, Kirilee. I brought the leeks and cream, like you asked."
"I see how it is," I said, taking the proffered basket. "I only get the scraps of a greeting once you're done with Meeko — you're really just here for him, aren't you?"
"Oh — no, I didn't mean —"
"Relax," I said, with a laugh. I kissed him on the cheek. "I'm just joking."
"Oh." He looked a little embarrassed, especially once Inigo's snigger drifted from the kitchen.
"Mind you, I am almost envious of how quickly you've won my sappy mutt's heart," I added. Felix absolutely doted on Meeko, even more so than Minette. Despite his shyness he had an easy way with animals. He had told me he was offered his smithing apprenticeship because of how well he was able to calm horses for shoeing.
"I like Meeko," Felix said. He kneeled down to give Meeko's belly a thorough rubbing as I took the basket of groceries to the kitchen. "I've always wanted a dog, you know."
"This one's taken," I called.
The weather having ruined our original plans of either a walk around the city walls or a ride down to Dragon Bridge, we settled in with mugs of wildflower tea to lounge about, chatting in the warmth. Inigo and Felix had seemed friendly enough over the previous days at the Skeever, but this was their first time interacting in close quarters, and I couldn't help feeling a little anxious as I listened to them talk while restringing my lute. It mattered to me, far more than I could admit to either, that they get along.
To my relief, Inigo's charm broke through Felix's shyness, and they soon seemed fast friends; they reclined on the floor, tea forgotten, engrossed in a conversation about sword metals I didn't bother trying to follow. As the morning wore on I couldn't help noticing, however, that Inigo seemed to rather enjoy taking advantage of Felix's calm and trusting nature. He kept telling ever taller tales, at which Felix would just smile and nod encouragingly.
"He's having you on, you know," I muttered to Felix, as we began preparing to cook lunch. "I've heard him tell about eight different versions of that story about how he got those scars. If a single word of any of them is true I'll eat Meeko."
"I know," Felix said under his breath. "Da's a master of telling stories. He's prepared me well. This is a great lark, though. I'd like to see how far Inigo'll go thinking I believe him."
I stifled a giggle, secretly delighted. It wasn't often that someone could pull the wool over Inigo's eyes.
"What are we having for lunch?" Inigo called, striding into the kitchen.
"Cream of leek soup," I said. "I learned the recipe from Cook — ah, cooking with my mother. Pass me that knife."
I set about chopping leeks with gusto, and hoped Felix hadn't noticed my stumble. Inigo's ears twitched, but his face remained otherwise impassive.
As I worked carefully through the recipe I explained what I was doing to Felix, who watched and asked questions with an avid intensity, while Inigo sipped a goblet of wine and suggested outlandish 'improvements' at regular intervals.
"It's hard to learn, at the inn," Felix confessed. "There's always something needs doing immediately, if not before. Doesn't leave much room for learning. Well, as you already saw," he said, colouring.
"Do not worry, my friend," Inigo said. "Kirilee was far worse a cook than you when she first arrived. If there was hope for her, there is hope for you too."
Felix laughed, but tempered it with a brief kiss. "Don't think that'll get you out of the washing up," I said, brandishing my wooden spoon; only to be snatched into a deeper kiss, dimly aware of Inigo yelling to Meeko to cover his innocent eyes.
The afternoon passed all too quickly, and far too soon, it felt, we had to start preparing to head to the Skeever, where both Felix and I were required for the Old and New Life Festival.
"Don't peek," I warned Felix, as I pulled out my new red and green gown to change into. "Meeko, make sure he doesn't."
Meeko took to his task with zeal, grabbing Felix by the leg of his trousers and dragging him towards the back corner of the apartment. There Felix waited in silence, Meeko sitting diligently on his feet, while Inigo helped me into my gown and laced up my corset.
"Ready?" I said brightly.
Though Meeko had let him go, Felix still stood in the corner with his arms crossed, eyebrows drawn slightly together.
"Something the matter?"
His eyes flickered towards Inigo. "No," he said, after a moment's hesitation. Then his face cleared, and he took my hands. "You look … beautiful. But we'd better go, hadn't we? We'll be late."
"We won't, don't worry," I said, picking up my lute and winking at Inigo.
Inigo led us out of the apartment, barely managing to keep a straight face as we slowly meandered to the corner of the wall from which we would usually jump on our way to the Skeever. "Shouldn't we hurry?" Felix kept repeating, increasingly baffled at our airy dismissals. Once we had arrived, Inigo distracted Felix by pointing out a hawk wheeling overhead while I surreptitiously cast the cushioning spell behind my back.
Felix looked over his shoulder at the slight whump of the spell. "What was that?"
"See you at the bottom!" I said with a cheery grin, and threw myself off the battlements.
An instant later Felix's shocked, bloodless face appeared peering over the edge, and I near fell over giggling. I could hear Inigo's clear peals of laughter too, and even what sounded like a doggy wheezing from Meeko.
"Kirilee? What in Oblivion!" Felix didn't seem to know whether he should be angry, terrified or relieved.
"Sorry," I called up. "I couldn't resist. It's perfectly safe. There's a cushioning spell. Come on, jump down!"
"I — I don't know …"
Meeko bounded off the wall, landing lightly and shaking himself all over.
"See? It's okay, you can jump! It's fun!"
"Go on, my friend. It is like flying!"
Eventually, after a great deal of coaxing from both Inigo and I, Felix gingerly dropped from the battlements, his expression a mix of terror and excitement. A moment later Inigo followed and clapped him heartily on the back.
"See? Just like flying!"
Felix's flushed face and glittering eyes saw only me, though. He strode towards me in three long steps, and the ensuing kiss was perhaps the best we'd ever shared.
That night at the Skeever was an exuberant one, with the whole city turned out to celebrate the end of the old year and the dawning of the new. I surprised Inigo by opening my set with a piece I had learned from the songbook he'd given me for Saturalia. It was a magnificent composition — sultry, seductive and passionate — and his eyes shone fiercely as he grinned at me. My gaze then turned to Felix. I wasn't sure what he saw in my expression as I played, but his own face turned beet red, and he fumbled and nearly dropped the dish he was carrying.
Thereafter I settled into playing, and as the night wore on, to thinking. Traditionally this day was for reflecting on the year that had just passed, and I felt that I'd never had a year in my life with so much to reflect upon. To think what a pale, sad imitation of myself I had been a year ago: a lost, unhappy girl with no real direction or view to a way out. The seeds of the idea to come to Skyrim had not yet been planted; I hadn't even yet really come to grips with just how miserable I was, and how desperately I needed to find somewhere I could grow into … myself. It seemed, now, that that place was here. I wasn't all the way there yet, but I was much closer than I had been this time the year before.
Despite all the awful things I'd witnessed and experienced since arriving, I was happier in Skyrim than I had ever been back in Aldcroft. It was a strange thing to admit. I never would have imagined that I'd prefer a life where death and violence were no longer a distant possibility but something I'd faced and survived half a dozen times in as many months, and likely would again.
But there was so much good to make up for the bad. I had the love and companionship of the bravest, most intelligent animal I'd ever met. I had the truest friend I'd ever known, who'd not only saved my life countless times, but who held me to account, and had been helping me to grow in ways I never even knew I needed to. I had a life that I'd built myself, as a result of my own talents and failings, rather than because of my family name and fortune. The path I walked was my own — though guided now by my Lady Mara, who filled my heart with strength and clarity. And for the first time, I'd found someone to whom I wanted to entrust that heart. It was very early yet, and I could admit to myself that I was very afraid, but Felix made me feel in a way I never had before.
As I shifted into a light jig to set the patrons dancing, my eyes once again sought him out. His own eyes creased at the edges, and my heart lurched in my breast, tapping just as quickly as the dancers' feet. Despite my words to Inigo about how soon it was to plan for the future, I found myself hoping that there might, just maybe, be a chance for a future with Felix in it.
I was happy. This year had been a good one; one that had propelled me forward into the life I wanted, rather than the life I had been born into. As I played long into the night, surrounded by all the people who made up my new life, I thought that I couldn't wait to see what the new year would bring.