The Fallen
Summary – Peeta Mellark is the Winner of the 74th Hunger Games after Katniss Everdeen sacrifices herself to save his life. He soon finds himself in the middle of the rebellion as their beacon of hope, their Mockingjay. But as Peeta will soon discover, not all fallen tributes stay dead.
Disclaimer: These are all Suzanne Collin's toys. They're just in my playground.
A/N: Thanks again for the patience, I won't bore you with more excuses but I am finding it harder to get these chapters edited and posted than I thought I would, despite the fact that pretty much all the chapters are already written! Though I've got to say, I wasn't happy with this chapter at all when I came back to it. I didn't really like the way it flowed so I didn't just edit it, I ended up pretty much rewriting this whole thing, but I'm happier with it now.
I feel I should also mention here, as we go into a chapter that discusses it in a bit more detail, that I have done some research on panic attacks and PTSD symptoms as I'm not an expert on it at all, but there's only so much you can get from google searches, articles and the experiences of one friend. I'm trying to tackle the subject with the utmost care and consideration as I can. For the record, nothing has actually been said to me about it, but it's such a delicate subject matter.
Anyway, I'm so glad you enjoyed the last double feature posting I am always happy to read your feedback, it always inspires me to try and post quicker!
If you haven't already, please review/follow/favourite but most importantly, enjoy! x
We all sat around Katniss's bedside talking. I was at her left side with her mother beside me, Prim was at her right side with Gale besides her. He was doing his best to not look me in the eye when we talked. I could understand why he was so angry with me, and truly, I felt awful about it. I had told him that we both needed to back off Katniss and allow her time to heal before either one of us overwhelmed her by telling her how we felt, and the next time he saw me, he walked in on me saying those words to her. But I didn't initiate anything with Katniss, it was all her. She told me that she loved me. She told me.
I would have never expected her to come right out and say that to me. She usually kept her feelings close to her chest where she could help it, by throwing up that armor of hers. Gale knew that too, so I doubted he would even believe me. Things were already so tense between us, walking in on that moment between Katniss and I had only gone and drove that wedge deeper. I guess I brought this on myself, I could have avoided most of this conflict if only I had told him the truth about Katniss before, that's what started this whole mess, but I was also trying very hard not to feel guilty about that anymore. I had a tough call to make and still I stand by it, at the time I believed it was the right thing to do.
Prim was telling Katniss about the produce she made in my garden and how she managed to help other people in the District with it. Katniss was beaming up her, sharing that special smile that she reserves only for her sister. How I longed to see that smile again. Her smile was infectious, it passed over to Prim, to her mom and even to Gale, but especially me. She's alive. She's here. I thought for the hundredth time that day.
As Gale and Mrs Everdeen got into a discussion about what they thought Prim's most successful crop of vegetables were, I noticed that the color suddenly drained from Katniss's face. Her smile was completely gone, her lips pressed into a thin pink line. Her eyes were vacant, the light behind them dimmed. Prim noticed at the same time, she and I exchanged a worried glance.
"Are you okay?" I whispered close to her ear. Katniss didn't respond, it was as if she didn't hear me. She squeezed her eyes shut, but that was the only reaction she had.
Mrs Everdeen swiftly got to her feet and checked over the monitors for any signs of distress. Nothing had really changed except for a small spike in her heart rate, but it was nothing too big and didn't seem to be the source of concern for the healer. She hovered over Katniss trying to spot any signs of pain, she pulled back the blankets making sure her bandages were clean and not bleeding through. I noticed that she was careful not to touch her. "Katniss?" she probed, but there yet again there was no response, and this time no reaction either.
My stomach knotted and fear rose up within me, like bile. What was wrong with her? "Is she in pain?" Gale asked before I had the chance
Prim and her mom exchanged a quick look, a brief conversation without words, "I'll call the nurse," Prim said and ran to the door shouting for assistance.
The nurse from earlier came back in, and pretty much repeated Mrs Everdeen's actions. She too was scared to touch Katniss. "Go on doc, help her!" Gale cried, infuriated that she wasn't doing more.
"Her vitals don't concern me at the moment, she's clearly breathing fine. What's happening to her is psychological, probably some kind of anxiety attack. We were warned that she can experience some pretty serious post-traumatic trauma symptoms, touching her could cause an adverse reaction and make her worse."
"What are you talking about?" Gale cried, "how can it be worse? she needs help! Help her!" she shouted
"I don't think I can. I'm not an expert at this," she replied apologetically, "but I'll send for someone who can help her," her eyes flickered to mine, she meant Cato, he was the only one who could touch her, he was the one who had been helping her all this time.
She was about to leave the room when we noticed Katniss opening her eyes, "She's coming around," Prim sighed with relief
"Katniss?" the nurse examined her eyes as they opened, "Do you remember where you are, Katniss?" the nurse asked, Katniss didn't speak but she nodded, "Do you remember what happened to you?" another nod, "Are you in pain anywhere other than where you were shot?" she took a minute as if trying to self evaluate and then shook her head.
"Why is she still not talking?" Gale whispered
The nurse turned back to us, "I think she's just tired" she replied, but she was clearly uncertain and concerned.
As relieved as I was that she was back with us, I couldn't help but worry about what happened to her. She was pretty much catatonic. Her trauma effects her that badly? It was worse than I feared. I was in over my head here. I wanted Katniss to be able to turn to me for help, but how could I do that for her when I became so helpless just now? I had no idea what to do or how to help her. I needed to talk to Cato myself, I needed him to show me how to handle this, how I could help her.
I noticed she was watching me cautiously, "I love you," she said, as if she were afraid I was going to disappear. She could see the worry on my face. I tried to relax and smooth it over. I didn't want her to feel any worse than she already did.
"Perhaps we should let her get some rest now," the nurse suggested, it seemed more like an order than a suggestion, but she left us then to say our goodbyes. I didn't want to leave, but I could see she was tired and needed to sleep, but I had to reassure her that I wasn't planning to abandon her, I could see that fear in her eyes, "You rest," I smiled softly, "No matter what time it is, if you need me, I'll be right here."
Satisfied for the time being she sighed softly and nodded, I wanted to tell her I loved her again, but I didn't want to over do it and I didn't want to be insensitive towards Gale. Instead I said, "I'll be back when you next wake," and flashed her a warm smile, she nodded. With one last lingering look, I left her to say her goodbyes with Gale and her family.
I waited out in the corridor for Gale. I needed to fix things with him once and for all and explain what happened back there. He needed to know that I wasn't trying to sabotage him, that I didn't go back on my word, at least not intentionally.
Mrs Everdeen smiled as she passed, while Prim nodded solemnly as if she knew the conversation I was about to have. She gave my elbow a gentle squeeze of encouragement and they headed straight for the elevators. Gale came to a stop when he caught up to me, he looked defeated, "It's worse than either of us thought isn't it?" he sighed, our fight momentarily forgotten as he worried for the person we loved.
"It would seem so," I swallowed, he looked up at me then, there lingered a sad look in his eye.
"So that's it then," he said as we began walking down the corridor together, "It's over,"
What did he mean it's over? Our friendship? "Gale, I didn't move in on her I swear," I told him honestly,
"She said it," he went back to avoiding my gaze, "I saw the way she was looking at you in there. I heard her telling you that she loves you,"
"You know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you on purpose, Gale? You're my friend. I didn't initiate anything, I took the lead from her."
Gale snorted, still unconvinced, "When I walked in on you declaring your love for her earlier, especially after our talk this morning. I was so pissed off with you, I felt like you lied to me, just to get me to back off while you swooped in and made your move,"
"That's not what happened," I assured him, "To my disbelief, she said the words first. In fact, I almost convinced myself that I imagined it. It left me speechless but it was clear that my silence was distressing her. I couldn't take the look on her face so I had to tell her I still felt the same," I tried being sensitive to Gale's feelings, "You know how she gets when she puts herself in a vulnerable situation. It's rare enough as it is and I couldn't let her clam up on me again ,"
He rubbed his brow, "It's hard to believe she would just open up to anyone like that," he sighed, "but I also saw the way she kept looking at you in there. I heard her say those words myself,"
It was clear, this was killing him. If I were in his shoes, I'd be heartbroken too, "I'm sorry, Gale,"
"I'm still going to tell her how I feel," he said pointedly. I wasn't surprised by this, I had a feeling he would, "but, I'm actually going to give her some time to breathe first, you were right this morning; she's been through a lot. I could see it in her eyes." his words were intentional, he was making a dig. Our rift was far from settled, he still blamed me. There was so much resentment in him and I didn't know what else I could say or do to relieve it. Maybe he needed more time, I could be patient.
"We don't even know the extent of it yet," I replied to his comment without rising to the bait, he almost looked disappointed, like he was gunning for a full argument with me, but this was not the place for that.
"She looked like hell and it's clear that what happened in there was not just a result of being shot," his anguish matched mine, "When she's better, I'll tell her then. I just want her to know she has a choice."
"She always has a choice," I said and called for the elevator, did he really believe that I was okay with taking away any of her freedoms? Freedoms that she had been denied for the last year and had always denied herself for the last several years? Any decision Katniss made about who to love and what to do with her life would make me happy, because then at least she would be making her own choices to achieve her own happiness. Was I over the moon about the fact she told me she loved me? Of course I was. But did I see her love as a prize I had won? Of course not.
Gale talked about her recovery as if it would be a couple of days before she's back to normal. With the medicines Thirteen had accessible, stolen from The Capitol, physically I would say so. However, the psychological injuries she had sustained will leave a long lasting mark, which would take a lot of time and patience to work through. Even then, it wouldn't be guaranteed that she would ever be back to "normal" or be the same person she once was ever again. I wondered if Gale realized that getting better was probably going to be a lifetime achievement for her?
"If you say so," Gale replied curtly.
I didn't lose my temper very often, but I was growing increasingly frustrated with Gale, there was just no talking to him when he was like this. What a stubborn butt-head! I was about to respond but another voice from behind us, spoke up first
"You can say all you want to protect your ego, but you really don't stand a chance," I turned to see who it was, Cato. He was looking at Gale with a smirk,
He stepped into the elevator with us and pushed the button for the floor to the food hall. Gale's eyes were pools of rage. This was the first time he was seeing him; Gale didn't even know that he was here yet as one of the Fallen, I had planned to warn him, but under the circumstances I hadn't yet had the chance.
Gale lunged for him, grabbing the front of his overalls and drew his arm back to throw a punch.
A part of me wanted to let Gale whale into him after what put us through in the arena, but I knew that Cato had probably suffered enough for his crimes over the last year, and for some inexplicable reason, he had become important to Katniss. I reached out to try and stop Gale, but Cato was fast, he didn't need my help. He blocked Gale's swing and took his legs out knocking him on his ass. The force of it shook the elevator.
"You must be, Gale," Cato said looking down at him, he then looked up at me, "What's up, Lover Boy?" he nodded at me, as if we were old friends.
Gale looked up at him with wounded pride, he'd never lost a fight before. His eyes became venomous. I'd never seen him look this angry before, "I will kill you," he growled
"Good luck with that," Cato turned back to face the doors and straightened the sleeve on his overalls, "Everdeen, will be pissed,"
Everdeen?
I helped Gale to his feet and filled him in on the situation, "Cato is one of The Fallen, he was stuck in that place with Katniss and they looked out for each other in there,"
"You knew?" he asked, his face was red. I knew where this was going
"Not for long," I assured him, "he was at Katniss's bedside when I first got there,"
"And you didn't think to mention it sooner?" he yelled at me, "Again, you decided to keep something important from me. Did you not think I needed to know about this?!" he gestured wildly toward Cato.
"Of course I did, but I hadn't had chance to tell you yet." my frustrations were flaring again. Gale has painted this crazy idea about me in his head and nothing I said was going to change his mind now, "If you recall, we were seeing Katniss for the first time in a year, Gale."
I thought I saw his cheeks flush, as if he remembered the scene we witnessed back in Katniss's room. Did he finally get it, that bringing up Cato to him in front of Katniss either before or after that incident, would have been inappropriate. We were there for her. To support her. He just didn't like being caught off guard like that. Being knocked on to his ass probably didn't help either.
The elevator stopped and the doors opened, and Gale stormed out without another word, Cato wore a smug grin as he watched him leave. How different could he really be? He still seemed to enjoy pissing people off with mind games.
"So how about you and I grab a bite to eat and take a walk? What do you say Lover Boy?" he asked
"You're not planning to kill me, are you?"
He smiled, "Not unless you try to attack me like your lap dog back there," he gestured in the direction Gale stalked off in,
"Fine," I replied warily. I had wanted to talk to him after all.
We grabbed some sandwiches and fruit from the food hall, and we walked until we found an empty combat training room. "Excellent," Cato eyed up the rows of weapons, with an apple in his mouth he threw a set of knives at a target at the end of the room, all of them hitting the center, he took the apple from his mouth and grinned, "I still got it," he said before taking a bite.
Why did we come in here? Was he playing mind games with me? Was this an intimidation tactic? If so, two could play at that game.
I grabbed the knives from the target and moved back to the spot where Cato had stood. One by one I hit the center of the target perfectly. My training with Gale paid off.
"Well, well. Someone's been practicing," Cato appraised me, "You've gotten a lot better since our days in the Training center,"
"What do you want, Cato?" I asked him as I took a seat on a bench nearby
"I think we should talk about the one thing we have in common, don't you?" he replied
"Katniss?"
"Who else?" he shrugged
"What about her?"
"She told you didn't she?" He asked, "About how she feels," he clarified quickly. He means when she told me she loved me. "Ah, she did," he saw the realization on my face, "I almost thought she would chicken out," he smiled, "good for her. Though it might have benefited you both more if she waited a while" he shrugged.
"What are you talking about?"
"The nurse spoke to me after your visit," he said, "I stayed close by and she briefly explained what happened while you were in there with her. Once she assured me that Katniss was fine and was going to take a nap, I came straight to find you, I wanted to make sure that what you saw didn't scare you off,"
"Scare me off?"
"Everdeen's mind is fragile right now and you have to be careful with her."
"You're telling me to be careful with her?" I laughed ironically, but he continued to eye me seriously.
"I don't give a fuck what you think about me Lover Boy, but for some reason that girl loves you. What you saw back there was nothing. Nothing, compared to how bad it can get. So if you can't handle it, cut your ties now before she gets in too deep with you," he snapped. My reaction struck a nerve with him and sparked his anger.
Cato took a deep breath and stalked across the room. He grabbed a sword from the wall, at first I thought he was going to run me through with it, but instead he started putting on a showy display of waving it around and twirling it in his wrist, "I've missed this," he said, talking more to the sword than me. "This was something I was always good at. I never needed to question it. Fighting. Killing. It's what I was trained for all my life," he told me, he put the sword down and sat down on the bench beside me, "But thinking about other people? Being someone's friend? That's something I was never any good at, my family trained me to be competitive and soon enough I began to believe that I was better than everyone else. I didn't need friendships, I just used people when I needed to get ahead."
"Color me surprised," I rolled my eyes
"Yeah well it's not as if you wouldn't know anything about that now would you?" he sneered, "Using people? Who used who in the arena, huh? Who clung to Katniss's name for sympathy in the Capitol? How many times were you whored out because of that?" he wasn't wrong. I used him to save Katniss and I used Katniss to save myself. Though it wasn't intentional to use Katniss in that way, it still worked out in my favor regardless. My romantic attachment to Katniss during our Games had earned me a reprieve from Snow's escort service, and I would often wonder how long I would be able to avoid it for. Fortunately, I was brought here before it could ever happen though I couldn't see how Cato would have known that yet. He must have made an educated guess, or perhaps when you experience something like that something in you changes. Cato nor Katniss were as fortunate, they experienced it and perhaps they could recognize it in others.
Cato could see my shame which triggered a shift in his demeanor. He seemed to take a moment to calm himself before speaking again, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that" he breathed,
"You did," I said, "but it's okay, it's not all completely untrue. I kind of asked for it."
He screwed his nose up at my reply, "I get it Peeta, you think I'm a dick. And yeah, I was one, and I've clearly still got some work to do on that, but I made my peace with it a long time ago," he rubbed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger as if frustrated with himself. "I really am trying to turn over a new leaf and I'm trying really hard not to be one, especially right now." He sighed, "Look, I'm not great at talking about myself or my shit, I've always been led to believe its a weakness, so it makes me uncomfortable, but we both know this conversation needs to happen, so lets rip off the band-aid quickly and get it over with."
I understood it now, he was behaving this way just because he was uncomfortable talking to me. Now that I knew I could see it, clear as day. That's why he was fiddling with the weapons, that's why he lashed out, it was a reaction to feeling insecure and vulnerable. He was truly trying to make an effort and I needed his help. I owed it to both him and Katniss to hear him out, and work towards making peace. After all he had been through, he had more than earned a second chance if that's what he wanted. "I'm sorry too," I murmured, "That wasn't fair. It's just hard to see you in another light. How you were during our Games..." I trailed off. I didn't need to explain, he knew what he was like.
"I was a monster." He agreed, it surprised me just how readily he admitted it. "I understand it might take some time for you to get used to me or to trust me or whatever and I can respect that," he said, "but this conversation really can't wait,"
He was just as eager to speak with me as I was him, but why? "If talking to me like this is so hard for you, then why are you doing it?" I asked
"For her," he said as if the answer should have been obvious to me
"Why would you put yourself through all this for her?" I asked him, "Are you in love with her or something?"
A sharp laugh burst from his chest, "God no," he snorted, "I'm not in love with her, I might have lost my edge but I'm not crazy, no offence. In love with her. Was you worried about some competition Lover Boy?" he laughed harder, it didn't take long for him to calm himself again, "No, Peeta, it's nothing like that. I do love her though, but it's more like she's an annoying little sister or something. I don't even know if I like her most of the time but for some reason, we formed this weird bond and I just couldn't shake her. I know that I will do anything to protect her and I know that she would for me too. We looked out for each other in there and we'll continue to do the same out here. That's why I'm doing this," he explained,
I could see he meant every word, this wasn't a trick. He truly cared for her. It was still so strange to see, but more than that, I was grateful that Katniss had someone else looking out for her, and had someone looking out for her in that place when I couldn't.
"I found my first ever real friend in Everdeen and I want her to be happy," he continued, "you and I are both important to her, granted in different ways, but the way I see it, we're kind of stuck with each other whether we like it or not. I would preferably like it to be as painless as possible."
"That sounds reasonable," I agreed, "What do you propose?"
"You're the type of guy who talks about his feelings and is all open and honest and stuff, right? I figured the best way for you to see that I'm not the same person from the arena anymore, and to prove to you that I do care about her, is to at least try and do the same," he was right, the more he talked like this, the more I warmed to him. I could see that he was being real with me and I could see that he was trying to change. "So, you want us to become friends too?" I asked for clarification
"Slow down, Romeo," he huffed, "Friend is a such strong word for me. It's not something I really know how to do."
"You managed it with Katniss," I pointed out,
"There were some extenuating circumstances responsible for that," he said, "I'm willing offer you a truce," he extended his hand to me, "a real one this time," he added with a raised eyebrow. I knew he was referring to our fake alliance in the arena.
I took his offered hand, "Very well," I replied, "Truce accepted," and we shook on it.
"Can I ask," I began, after a beat of silence, "how did you and Katniss become close after all that happened between you?"
He sighed loudly, "There's a fuller story which I won't touch on, not without Katniss, it's her place to tell you if and when she ever wants to," he paused, taking a moment to consider his words carefully, "I guess to understand, you first need to understand the social groupings of the place. Maysilee was like the mother hen of the group, being one of the oldest ones left, I guess she felt responsible for us all and made sure everyone was coping as well as one could under the circumstances. Because of that, almost everyone flocked to her. There was a core group who would spend pretty much all their free time with her, while others drifted in and out of the core group but formed their own little bubbles. Katniss and I are both the loner types. Both of us would occasionally hover around Maysilee and her core group for meal times, or if there was something on the TV we all wanted to watch, like your interviews for example," he eyed me impressively for a moment, "but to begin with we just kept to ourselves. They were nice enough people I guess, but they gave off this big support group vibe. May would always try encouraging us to talk about our feelings all the time, and I think there was extra pressure on Katniss and I in a way because we were alone and didn't share our feelings. It was all too much for either of us to handle, it's not who we are."
Katniss had always shied away from groups of people, preferring her own company or the company of either Prim, Gale or occasionally Madge, so this didn't surprise me. I could easily understand that anything else would have overwhelmed her.
"Neither of us wanted to accept help from anyone and I just wanted to be left alone," he continued "but in there... the kind of stuff we went through doesn't ever go away, you know?" he pulled a face, like it was physically painful for him to be talking about this stuff, "there's no way you can survive it alone, whether you wanted to admit it to yourself or not. She reached out to me first, even after everything I had done. I didn't deserve it, nor did I want it. But when I saw how she was..." he stopped himself, "she needed help and I wasn't in a position to refuse her,"
"What do you mean by that? Can you elaborate?" I asked,
"I'm sorry, not until you've talked to her first," he shook his head, "After that Katniss and I just gravitated towards each other." he continued, "It took me a little while longer to accept her presence, after a while I grew to appreciate her being there. She became a comfort to me that I didn't realize I needed and the alternative, with Maysilee and the others, wasn't an option for me. Katniss and I are alike in a lot of ways, but I was able to learn from the ways in which she was different. She helped me to see things as they are and it changed my whole outlook on everything. Starting in the arena I realized that I had been played. I had been a piece in their games my whole life and I never even knew it. I wanted to become something different and over time, Katniss helped me see that I could be,"
Those words resonated deep within me. Piece in their games... but who's game were we playing now?
I could see that Cato cared about her, I didn't have any doubts about that anymore. He was extremely over-protective of her, it was still so bizarre to me. It was hard to believe this was the same person who had hunted us in the arena. "So, you were just trying to make sure I don't tuck tail and run after what I saw today? Because you know I won't right? I'm here for her, for whatever she needs." I assured him, "Even though, what I saw her go through back there was bad, deep down I knew it was worse. There's no question about whether or not I can handle it, Katniss needs me and I'll be here for her, no matter how bad it gets, I won't abandon her, but I will need your help,"
Cato seemed to approve, "Good," he said, "I'll help you as long as you do as I say,"
"Just tell me where to start."
"Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm concerned that you, being the doting Lover Boy that you are, will try to do too much for her, and she'll end up taking a step backwards in her recovery. If that happens she'll start relying on you to get through her bad times."
"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?" I asked, "I want to support her, I'll do whatever it is that she wants,"
"What she wants and what she needs are two different things," Cato warned, "Katniss suffers from a lot of anxiety, and what you saw only gave you a small taste of it. When I say she'll rely on you I don't mean that in a good way. I don't want to betray her trust by telling you too much behind her back, but you need to be prepared. What you witnessed earlier sounded like a mild variation of panic attack, they present themselves in different ways, most commonly she struggles to regulate her breathing. Any of these attacks can be triggered off by something as little as a stray thought," he continued, "I've been helping her through it as best as I can. I'm there when she needs me but it's a double edge sword, I don't want her to end up depending on me or anyone else. I've been giving her the tools to help her get through it by herself as much as possible."
"I don't want her to feel like she's going through it alone," I replied
"She's not, Peeta. You just need to find a balance like I did, a way for her to know that you're always there for her while reminding her that she is strong enough to help herself. It's important that she learns to pull herself out of her panic attacks, she mostly can now. It's the PTSD that's a little trickier," he said
"PTSD?" I shouldn't have been surprised, I expected it, but even still, everything he kept revealing to me continued to surprise me.
"Post-traumatic stress disorder," he explained, misunderstanding my surprise for a question
"Yeah, I knew that. I just... I didn't realize... how can we help her with that?" I asked
"The PTSD episodes she has are way fewer than the panic attacks, but they do crop up from time to time. In Katniss it usually presents as a flashback, not always the same one, but she will becomes completely submerged by a past experience. It's like she is reliving that memory, mind, body and soul. That's when she is going to be a little more dependent on us, at least for now anyway, she always seems to need someone to help coax her out of them, to help remind her that what she's experiencing isn't real. Though it's probably just as important that, that person isn't always going to be you."
"How do you know so much about all this?" I asked
"My grandfather was in the war during the Dark Days and it left him with PTSD, he would have these sorts of episodes or panic attacks. He played a big part in The Capitol's win and was hailed a hero, but it took a toll on him. My family were able to ride the coattails of his successes to get ahead in life, but they didn't want his condition to make him or any of us to look weak, so they kept it a secret. We had to learn how to manage his symptoms ourselves, but we never babied him. It worked for the most part." he replied, "So take it from me I know what I'm talking about. Too much from us will undo her progress and she'll start depending on you for everything,"
"It's not a bad thing for her to come to me when she needs me," I told him, "I will always be there for her,"
"It can be, Peeta. Again, we're talking about two different things. There's wanting and needing your support and then there's completely depending on you to function." he explained "If she can't learn to manage the majority of her anxieties herself or be able to accept help from others besides you. Won't you always wonder if she stays with you because she truly loves you or if she has become so dependent on needing you to get her through the day in one piece." he replied
"Yeah, that sounds bad," I agreed nodding slowly, he was making some extremely valid points that I never even would have considered. Was I getting in way over my head here? How could I truly help her when I can't even begin to comprehend any of this?
"I know she loves you now, but I don't want there to come a day where that changes. People fall out of love from time to time, one day you might feel bound to her because of her dependence and she can't function without you to the point where you end up resenting each other and hate each other but feel tied to one another. Do you see where I'm coming from?"
"You make us sound so fickle," I told him.
"I'm thinking ahead at future possibilities. Life is fickle, people change, you've changed. Everdeen has changed, but we want her to be the best version of herself she can be after her trauma. She needs our support so she doesn't end up withdrawing into herself and push everyone away, but at the same time, if we don't give her equal amounts of room to grow and rediscover her independence, then I can't see this ending well for either of you."
"Yes. I think I understand,"
"I need to be certain that you understand," he sighed, and paused to think for a moment, "Okay, I have a question. What is it Everdeen, that you love?" he asked. It was a question I never expected to be asked by Cato of all people, but it was one that I didn't even need to think about, I already knew the answer.
"I love her spirit." I said, "I love the way that once she chooses to let someone into her heart, she loves them fiercely and will do anything for them. She's loyal and brave. I love her strength and her grace. I love how capable and independent she is. I love that her heart is always in the right place, even though she pretends she doesn't care about people outside her small circle, it's obvious that she does. I love how she always tries to do the right thing, like with Rue in the arena, and how she is able to stand up for others who can't. A woman back home told me stories of some of the things she did for others without looking for praise or recognition. I love her ability to speak her mind and tell her truth even when it's to her own detriment. I love the fact that so many people find her intimidating but behind all that she's actually just a big softy."
"All those things you love, such as her spirit and passion, isn't gone," he began "I've seen glimpses of it, but her trauma has definitely tried, time and time again, to quash it. This is why we have to do this right." he warned. "You've not seen her in a spiral or in one of the worst of these episodes yet, but that day will come. I know that she wants to let you in, and for that she will have to tell you the full story," he said, "but I also know that she won't want to burden you with it or upset you in anyway."
Cato was giving me a lot to think about, "how have you been helping her through it?" I asked him
"What seemed to work the most was getting her to remember the place where she feels strong. She pictures herself back in her forest, hunting with Gale or her dad," he told me, "That's where she felt the most in control in her life, the strongest and most safe. She can do that now in a normal panic attack without much, or even any, coaxing. More often than not, it helps her,"
I smiled, of course it was, I wished I would have been able to see her out there, doing what she does best. Hunting in the forests near our home. Peaceful and in her element. But all that was gone now. I felt a pang of loss.
"She also has a phrase that she says," he added, "it's sort of become a mantra of sorts, you may hear her repeating it to herself from time to time, it's usually when she feels a panic attack coming on."
"What's the phrase?"
"It was actually something you said to her before last years Games. She said at the time she disregarded it and thought you were and giving up." he continued, "But she later remembered it and recognized the real strength behind it. You said, 'They don't own me. I am more than just a piece in their games'."
I remembered that conversation too, and I had been using this phrase to get me through my worst moments as well, it was a reminder of the promise I made to her, to not let my anger over what happened control me. Is this what Katniss meant when she told me I had been saving her all along? Because of those words I said to her? Cato began tucking into his sandwich, we sat in silence as we ate. He was giving me space to think.
I had a lot to think about. The things Cato told me about Katniss's mental state had left me reeling. I wanted her to feel strong again like she did back in the forest in Twelve, and I would do whatever it took to help her get there, Cato said it was more important for us to help her, help herself and when he explained it, it made a lot of sense. I wanted her find that strength again and be able to take it with her, wherever she went and never have to rely on anyone else. Just as she always had before.
After devouring my sandwich, I turned back to him, "How do we get past the touching thing?" I asked, he eyed me suspiciously for a moment, "No, no. I don't mean for any relationship stuff." I quickly clarified, "I am very well aware that I'll not be touching her until she's ready and believe me I won't be pushing her or pressuring her for it, but what if it was an accidental touch? I don't want to overwhelm her or trigger one of her attacks if say, my hand brushes against her while we're walking or something. She's okay with you, right? How do work towards getting to that stage?" I asked
"She needs to feel safe with you and her body has to trust you. I believe it's a subconscious thing, that she has no real control over who her body trusts, even if her mind believes that she does. It took months for her to be okay with me. It wasn't until we were escaping that place, I was able to touch her without incident for the first time."
After Cato finished his sandwich, he got off the bench and started doing some push ups on the floor. I wondered how it was possible to do that after eating. Surely it would give him a stomach ache or make him feel sick or something.
"She loves you, Peeta," he said, grunting his way through push-up's, "She already developed a certain level of trust with you before, it's entirely possible that she's already there but isn't willing to risk it yet. But if she is triggered by your touch, just be patient with her, you'll get there and probably a lot quicker than I did."
I pondered my next question for a while, I knew he didn't want to keep talking about Katniss behind her back and neither did I, but I needed to feel prepared for when she opens up to me about it so I can be strong for her when she tells me everything instead of being an emotional wreck. A part of me didn't even want to know the answer, though I knew I needed to hear it.
"Cato, how bad was it for her?" I asked
"It was bad for us all," he stopped mid-air during his push ups and regarded me evenly, reminding me with just one look that Katniss was not the only one dealing with this. He pushed himself up back onto his feet.
"I know," I replied softly, "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Cato, I am. I know we're not friends or anything, but if you ever wanted someone other than Katniss to talk to, you can come to me,"
He lifted a single brow, "You mean, spill my dark and nasty thoughts to Mr Charisma?" he snorted
"I know I came on strong to the Capitol, but it was mostly a persona to win them over," I explained, "Perhaps with time you can learn to trust me too,"
"We'll see," he shrugged noncommittally. He met my gaze and sighed deeply, "Look I know you have her best interests at heart, but I can only give you most basic information I can without it feeling like we're betraying her trust, and I'll tell her what I tell you too so that we're not lying to her about it," he said
"I don't want to put you in an awkward position, forget I asked. I can be patient,"
Cato took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself, "Katniss was exclusive to one client during her time in the mansion and he was a vile creature, one of the worst kind of people you can imagine," a shiver ran down Cato's spine as if he knew all about it, Katniss must have told him everything.
"Worse than Snow himself?" I asked
"I dread to think what Snow would be like as a client," he said, "but this man... let's just say that Everdeen had a rough deal. He was an all-round abusive asshole, he not only messed with her sexually, but physically and mentally too. He took great pleasure in harming her and playing mind games with her too."
I was so angry for what she'd been through. What they'd all been through. I felt that rage again and I felt out of control, so unlike myself. I was murderous and I wanted to kill Snow with my own hands. I shoved the rack of spears over, scattering them across the room. Then I flipped over the table, kicked over the training dummy and punched the cement wall. Big mistake.
"Whoa, Peeta, what the fuck?" Cato backed off a little, "I'm glad I told you that much myself. Perhaps I need to be there for when she tells you the whole story," he looked around at the mess I made, "then again..." he said, half to himself.
As soon as my anger came, it went. Good. Don't be a piece in their Games, Peeta, don't let it change you. "I'm okay," I shook it off,
He grabbed my hand, "This looks nasty already, luckily I don't think it's broken, but you need to go get it checked out." he grabbed some paper towels from a dispenser in the corner of the room and handed them to me to mop up the blood, "You've got some anger in there," he said, "I didn't think you had it in you,"
"After everything she went through. How could I possibly be what she needs?" I sighed,
"Don't pussy out her now, Peeta. You've had your rampage and got your anger out, so now go and be the man she deserves."
"She deserves so much more,"
"I'm not going to pretend I understand what she see in you," he rolled his eyes, "But this self pitying person before me isn't who she described," he gestured at me, "She once described you to me as her sunshine," Cato turned his nose up, as if in disgust.
Her Sunshine? I looked up at him then.
"Yeah, I know, it made me ill too when she said it," he said "Personally I don't see it, especially right now. But if you want to be with her, you've got to bring the sunshine and be that warmth and light for her," he continued, "She has enough anger within herself and even has me for an extra helping, judging from that 2 second encounter I had with him she can get it from Gale too. But that's not who you are. That's why she fell for you."
I had never experienced anger in the ways that I had since I came out of the arena a Victor. After believing Katniss died because of my failures and seeing all of Snow's crimes piling up I often felt that rage bubbling beneath the surface, though I usually had a better grip on it than I did today. Cato's right I had changed, in some ways it was a good change, like daring saying what I believed in, not what they told me to with the speeches, and doing all that I've done for the rebellion. But I wouldn't let this anger change me or control me anymore, because I didn't fail her entirely. Katniss was alive. She was here and she loved me.
I could easily let it all go and be who she needs. I would work to make sure I was worthy of her love and I will constantly assure her that it's not misplaced for as long as she wants me. We have a long way to go, I know, and we had to get to know each other again, but she was worth it. Not many people got a second chance like this, and I would be a fool to waste it.
"Come on, Lover Boy," Cato said, "Let's go back down to the hospital and get your hand fixed up, then we can go and check on Everdeen,"
A guard stuck his head around the door then, probably drawn by all the noise I just created, "What happened in here?" he asked
"We were sparring," Cato said as he led me out the room,
"Hey, you need to tidy this up!" he called after us
"No can do, medical emergency," Cato replied without looking around
"It's District rules!" he called again, then we heard him cursing under his breath
We stopped off on the floor where our quarters were first so I could grab a spare set of overalls, I didn't want to alarm Katniss when we saw her again as the ones I were wearing we covered in blood from my hand. Cato waited outside while I went in to change.
Gale was here, lying on his bunk. His hands were behind his head and he was staring up at the ceiling, muttering to himself. When he heard me he sat up and jumped down "Where have you been?" his voice still had that angry edge to it
"I didn't think you cared so much," I sighed, I wasn't in the mood for Gale's aggression right now. I grabbed a spare set of overalls and replaced the paper towel on my hand with a some gauze we had in a drawer.
"Hey what happened to you?" he noticed my busted up hand, it was amazing how quickly he switched, suddenly he was showing concern and it was like Gale, my friend, was back, "What does his face look like?" he asked
"It wasn't him. I lost a fight against a wall," I told him, I quickly changed and zipped up my overalls, ensuring that I didn't get blood all over this set now that my hand was haphazardly wrapped up
"That's not like you, Peeta. What did Cato do to you?" Gale looked furious again
"He did nothing to me, Gale, we just talked over some stuff. He's actually trying to be decent," I shrugged
"So, why did the wall take a beating?" he asked
I stood up straight to look at him, all of a sudden he wanted to talk? It was unfair enough on Katniss as it was that Cato told me all that he had, so it really wasn't my place to share it any further. Maybe if he hadn't of behaved like a neanderthal for the last day or so I would have considered telling him something, but right now I didn't know where I stood with him. Concerned or not, our friendship was still strained, and he was still too full of rage for me to explain anything to him. My decision to keep quiet will probably end up making things worse again, but like before it was the right call to make and I could live with the consequences, "It's nothing, don't worry about it,"
Like a switch that had be flicked, Gale seemed to remember why he was angry with me, "So that's how it's going to be now is it?" he sneered
"For now its the way it has to be, Gale. You really left me no choice," I sighed, "I'll see you later, I need to go to the hospital,"
"Why? You're going to go running back to Katniss?"
Why couldn't he let this go? Why did he have such a chip on his shoulder? I gestured to my hand, "Well it's not as if I need medical attention or anything," before he could reply back with anything more, I left the room.
Cato was still waiting for me outside. He was able to pick up on my frustration, "Is Gale still licking his wounds?" he asked with a smirk, I didn't answer him. I didn't want to be anymore unfair towards him than I had to be. He just needed time... probably. "He's a big guy for a Twelve, I bet he's not used to getting his ass handed to him,"
"You know that's not the issue here," we arrived back at the elevator
"Yeah, I know," he shrugged, "From what I gathered earlier, you didn't tell him that Katniss was still alive until the great escape and then failed to tell him about me and he's got a big stick up his ass about it. Am I close?"
"That just about covers it,"
"And he's in love with her too?" he added, I nodded, "That'll do it,"
"I just don't know what else I can say to him to get him to forgive me or at least understand why I chose not to say anything."
"His shitty attitude only proves you made the right call," he assured me
"Yeah I know. It still sucks,"
"Forget him,"
"It's not that easy, Cato. You know Gale is important to Katniss, too. We've got to smooth things out eventually. You as well."
"Just because I'm friends with Everdeen, doesn't mean I have to befriend all of her friends too," he muttered
"Friend? You called it a truce with me," I raised an eyebrow
"Whatever," he rolled his eyes, "You're different though, you're her boyfriend now." Boyfriend? I'm her boyfriend. That thought didn't even occur to me. "That means that I'm going to be stuck with you a lot more, and I need to make sure that you are looking after her properly. So just remember what we talked about, yeah?"
I nodded and swallowed hard. Gale was forgotten. I had more important things to worry about and right now, my mind was on Katniss and nothing else.