When she woke up for the second time that following day, it was still fairly early in the morning. Though not as early as the first time she had been up. She'd had breakfast with Henry and Zelena. She had even gotten dressed and had seen Henry off to Nick's. She was secretly relieved that he was going to a friend's house for the weekend. She hated when he saw her like this. All weak and poorly.
She had planned on working today. She had planned on cooking. She had planned on doing so much. But unfortunately, her body and mind had other plans. A massive headache had snuck up on her and had forced her to go lie down. Again.
Regina sat up in bed and ran her fingers through her hair. Scratched at her throat. She must have been wearing a scarf in the wrong material yesterday. She stood from the bed and applied a bit of cream to her neck. She wasn't interested in developing a rash. Then she smoothened a hand over her hair. Smoothened her blouse and pencil skirt. She looked sort of okay. A bit sleepy, but okay. And either way, it was time to get up. She was NOT going to stay in bed one more day! She refused. Couldn't keep sleeping the time away.
She went downstairs and into the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of orange juice. The nearly healed wound on her throat was a bit sore. Maybe she had accidentally scratched herself in her sleep or something.
With the glass of orange juice in hand, she continued into the living room where she expected to find her sister.
She did.
But Zelena wasn't the only one sitting on the couch.
So was Emma Swan.
The breath hitched in Regina's throat. Emma was here. Emma.
Emma who looked…. Exactly as beautiful as Regina remembered her to be.
Heartbreakingly, devastatingly beautiful.
Regina felt as though she couldn't breathe.
Maybe she was only imagining it. Perhaps she was seeing things. Maybe Emma was merely a figment of her imagination.
She blinked once. Twice.
Emma was still very much here.
She could feel her hand started trembling and then she remembered. She was not wearing her scarf. Oh god, oh god! She couldn't let Emma see her throat! It was dreadful. The red lines, the large plaster, everything was terrible. It looked absolutely hideous!
One of her hands immediately flew to her exposed throat and she spread her fingers wide to cover what was visible of the red lines on her neck. She wanted to run upstairs and hide the hideousness. She wanted to turn around so Emma couldn't see her.
But she couldn't move.
Not as much as an inch.
She could only stand there, rooted to the spot and look at Emma.
Look at her, look at her, look at her….
Before she could even fully process that Emma truly was here, Zelena leapt from the couch and rushed upstairs. Regina could hear her race down the upstairs hallway, and she had started to wonder where the fire was when Zelena just as quickly came back downstairs. The sprint had left her a bit pink-cheeked and she snatched the glass of orange juice out of Regina's hand and handed her a scarf in return.
Regina gratefully accepted the scarf and stalked into the kitchen as fast as her legs could carry her. Putting on the scarf involved moving her hand away from her throat, and she couldn't do that in front of Emma.
Her fingers trembled as she lowered them. The skin prickled. Like it always did whenever she touched her throat. It was all in her head, though. Psychosomatic uncomfortableness at coming into direct contact with her throat. Regina couldn't stand touching it. It made her feel sick to her stomach. Or maybe that was just the cramps.
She carefully fastened the scarf around her neck. Smoothened the fabric so it covered every inch of the plaster. Had Emma seen it? the plaster? Had she gotten a glimpse of her neck? Seen the red lines? The thought alone had a foul taste rising in Regina's mouth. She really, really hoped that wasn't the case.
It was bad enough that Emma knew why she kept her throat covered.
Bad enough that Emma knew she had been raped.
Regina closed her eyes and tried to calm herself by inhaling deeply. She couldn't believe that Emma was here. Hadn't expected her to just show up like this, and her throat dried up when she acknowledged that she had to go into the living room and look Emma in the eyes. Look her in the eyes and know that Emma knew the truth. There was that unreasonable shame again. Not a wrong feeling according to Kristine. But Regina wasn't sure she agreed. Why did she feel ashamed over something that wasn't her fault? Why did she feel ashamed that Emma knew?
There was nothing to be ashamed of. And yet here Regina was. Ashamed. And afraid that Emma would look at her differently now. See a victim and nothing else.
Emma shouldn't even be here. She shouldn't be jeopardizing her safety like this. It was dangerous.
Liam was watching. He was always watching. Emma absolutely couldn't be here. Regina had to send her on her way. Had to make her leave. As soon as possible. Preferably right away.
But the selfish part of her didn't want to send Emma away. She wanted her to stay. Had missed her so much.
She took a deep breath and then went back inside the living room. Emma had moved a little. She was fidgeting with her hands in her lap. Worry creased her brow and her mouth was pinched.
Zelena jumped off the couch once more. "I think I'll go and fetch the coffee. Do you want a cup as well, Regina?" her voice sounded utterly normal, and it was painfully obvious that it was all an act.
Regina nodded but was silently wondering what the hell was going on. Why were they about to have coffee when Emma shouldn't even be here? She frowned and glanced down at the carpet. Noticed the spots of orange juice she accidentally had spilled. Oh no. What a mess she had made.
Something pressed against her skull. A flashback.
Killian sneering at her because she had spilled coffee on the carpet.
But she had only spilled because his shouting had caused her to jolt.
'What the hell do you think you're doing, you idiot?! Why the fuck are you spilling my coffee?! Clean that up! Now!'
"Don't mind those, hun," Zelena said swiftly, voice effectively cutting through the flashback and making it shatter into a million little pieces that were impossible to hold on to. She passed Regina on her way into the kitchen. "I'll get them later." She gently touched the top of Regina's shoulder lightly. As softly as if a butterfly had landed there. The flashback disappeared entirely, and Regina was grateful. She watched as Zelena disappeared into the kitchen and wondered if she knew that she'd just had a flashback. She probably did. Could probably recognize the blank expression on Regina's face by now.
The guilt had Regina's stomach rolling. She hated having flashbacks. And she hated having them in front of people. She hated when she made those around her worry about her.
Then she remembered. Emma. She was here. She was the one Regina should be concentrating about and absolutely nothing else.
Regina slowly went over to the couch and sat down next to Emma. She lifted her hands but then remembered that Emma couldn't understand Sign Language. She glanced around. Felt tempted to pat her pockets, but she already knew that her phone was upstairs. Damnit. Why did something as simple as having a conversation have to be so fucking difficult all the time?
Damn Killian Jones for stealing her voice.
Damn him for leaving her permanently silent and taking a part of her identity.
Just…. Damn him!
Of all the things in all the world… He had taken her voice.
'Be quiet, you bitch!'
And quiet was exactly what Regina had become. Dead-silent.
A slight rustling sound brought her back, and Regina blinked in first confusion and then surprise. Emma was coming to her aid. She reached within her little bag and found a neat little stack of post-its and a pencil. She handed both items to Regina with a shy little 'here you go' that was loading with anxiety as though she thought she was overstepping Regina's boundaries by bringing her paper and pencil.
She was not. Quite the reverse. As Regina accepted the stack of post its and the pencil, she felt her throat close up because of something that for once was not pain. In her state, this was almost enough to make her emotional. Emma had brought her post-its notes to write on. And a pencil. She had even brought her a pencil. She had come prepared.
Taking a breath, Regina pulled herself together and tore a post-it note off the stack. Focused on the task at hand. Which was to make Emma leave. For her own sake. Because it was dangerous for her to be here.
'You shouldn't be here', she wrote on the note. Then she handed the note to Emma. As Emma read the note (actually, she was mouthing the words), Regina discreetly studied her. She looked…. Unwell. Her face was very pale and made the freckles on her nose seem even more visible. Her eyes were sunken in, had lost that spark Regina had so admired and had deep, dark circles underneath them. Even her hair looked limp and seemed to have lost its sunshine.
Regina felt a sharp pang of guilt in her chest. What had she done to Emma? How could she have treated this cruelly? Why hadn't she told her what was going on way sooner?
"I know," Emma murmured and anxiously fidgeted with her hands in her lap. "Bu- but I…. I had to see you." Her voice was so earnest. Pleading, almost.
Did she think that Regina was angry with her?
Was it even possible to be angry with Emma Swan?
Sweet, caring Emma Swan…
Regina forced herself to stop thinking like that. She swiftly scribbled underneath the first message. 'You're putting yourself in danger.'
"I don't ca-"
Regina immediately held up a hand to silence Emma. This she would not tolerate. Not now. Not ever. Emma was NOT allowed to put herself in danger. Not for her. She was not worth that.
Absolutely, definitely not.
Emma owed her nothing.
Her shoulders crept up towards her ears as she tore off another note and wrote down exactly what she was thinking. 'Don't ever say that again!' then she stiffly pushed the note towards Emma.
"I'm sorry," Emma hastily amended after having read the note. She bit her lip. "I shouldn't have said that."
Indeed not! Regina nodded in agreement.
Emma's lower lip wobbled. "Regina, I am so, so sorry! And not just about coming here even though I'm not supposed to, I'm sorry for everything, god, I'm sorr-"
Regina held up her hand again. Shook her head. No. Please, no. Not this. Not from Emma. She couldn't handle it. Couldn't bear having Emma look at her this way.
This was exactly what she had feared. That Emma would start feeling sorry for her. That was more than what she could cope with.
She tore another note off the stack and once again wrote exactly what she was thinking. 'My doctors are sorry for me. My sister is sorry for me. My friends are sorry for me. And what does that help? Nothing. I do not need your pity, Emma.' She regretted it as soon as she gave the note to Emma. The words looked so harsh on the paper. It looked like she was trying to act tough.
And if there was something she was not, it was tough. She was as soft as could be.
"I'm sor-" Emma didn't finish the sentence and shook her head. Took a breath. "You're right. Of course you don't."
Once again, her voice was so soft, so gentle it nearly broke Regina's heart in two. She shifted on the couch and fiddled with her scarf. The scratch marks she accidentally had made on her throat, burned. She bit her lip. Tried to think of something else. Anything. But her thoughts were jumbled. Her dreams had been strange. She had dreamed of Steveston and Emma, and here she was. Sitting next to her. It was hard to wrap her head around.
"Are you angry with me for coming here?" the question was so hushed Regina nearly missed it.
Again, was it even possible to be angry with Emma Swan? Regina turned her head and looked at Emma. She looked so concerned. Regina's heart flooded with affection for her. But nevertheless, this was a dangerous situation. And the sentence written on the next note reflected that: 'you are putting yourself in danger because of me.' She slid the note towards Emma.
Emma bowed her head to acknowledge this after she had read the note. "I don't want to lose you," she whispered, sounding so vulnerable and raw Regina's heart clenched again. "Which is probably really selfish of me, but-"
No. Regina shook her head again. There was nothing selfish about Emma Swan's actions. She was anything but selfish. Regina doubted that she even had a selfish bone in her body.
She stole another glance at Emma and was shocked to see that she was crying. Oh god, no! Regina absolutely detested herself. Emma was crying because of her!
"That night at the... at the concert," Emma whispered with her gaze rooted to her hands in her lap. "I...I k-kissed you. I shouldn't have d-done that."
Oh. Oh no! Regina immediately grabbed another post-it note and hastily scribbled down a new message: 'you haven't done anything wrong, Emma.' She pushed the note towards Emma and knew that it was true. She hadn't done anything wrong.
A kiss was a completely normal part of dating.
There was no reason why Emma shouldn't have kissed her goodnight that evening. She couldn't possibly know that kissing scared Regina.
Regina was the one with the problem.
Regina was the one who hadn't communicated openly.
So many things could have been avoided had she only communicated openly.
She should have been honest instead of being a coward who hid behind apologies. And silence.
That deafening, frustrating silence!
Another sob fell from Emma's lips, and Regina felt as though she herself was about to cry. But she forced it back because she knew how painful it would be for her to cry. A sob stuck in her throat with no option to get out was one of the worst things. There were more important things to do than crying. Comforting Emma. She hesitantly reached out and then gently placed her hand lightly over Emma's. A flashback of a rough hand grabbing hers threatened to overcome her, but Regina firmly pushed it back. She would rather bathe in a river than let a flashback take her away right now! Not when Emma was upset and crying in front of her.
Emma lifted her head and looked at Regina. "This is all wrong," she croaked, shaking her head slightly. "You shouldn't be the one consoling me. That's fucked up."
Regina offered a light shrug in return. If that was an attempt at humor, it did not work at all. Nor was it true. She was not the one who needed to be comforted right now. Emma was. It felt sort of nice to hold her hand. The flashback was fading quickly, Regina noted. Emma's hand felt… very soft. Oddly comforting. Emma hadn't jerked her hand away. Was she truly not angry with Regina? It was hard to believe. Surely, nobody could be that kind, could they?
Her throat tightened. It was definitely not in a good mood this morning. The wound was most likely sore because she had scratched in her sleep. Regina moved her hand away from Emma's and reached for her glass of orange juice. She took a sip and winced. Ouch. That was definitely not very nice. Not very nice at all. She had the urge to cough to try and relieve some of the tension, but she could see that Emma was giving her a concerned look, so she turned her head and flashed Emma a little smile. Emma was quick to return the smile, and Regina saw the slightest glimmer of hope in her eyes. She shared that hope. For a moment, she felt like the woman Emma had enjoyed coffee with. Just Regina who was out on a date with a nice woman. Not Regina with all the baggage and trauma.
A floorboard creaked, and out of the corner of her eye, Regina saw Zelena coming into the living room with three cups of coffee on a little tray. It was obvious that her sister was observing them. Assessing the situation.
Regina widened her smile a little. For both Emma and Zelena's sake.
Zelena walked over to the couch and sat the tray down on the coffee table. "There we go. Coffee machine took a bit longer today."
Regina shook her head. As if. 'Lies' she signed simply. It was painfully obvious that Zelena had made herself scarce to give her and Emma a moment of privacy.
"It did," Zelena claimed, voice coated with innocence.
Right. Regina shook her head but didn't press the issue. It was enough that she knew what Zelena was doing.
Zelena sat down next to them on the couch and Regina followed Emma's cue and reached for her cup of coffee. She took a sip, but her throat didn't agree with it. This time she couldn't hold a cough back. She hated coughing in front of anyone. She was sure that Emma was looking at her. Zelena's discreet headshake told her as much. As she coughed, Regina wondered what that headshake had been about. Perhaps Emma had silently asked if they should do something.
They shouldn't. The cough went away on its own.
Regina rubbed a hand over her silk-covered throat. Took another little sip of her coffee. This time she did not cough.
"Anyway, what time do you want Henry home?" Zelena asked casually as though nothing had happened. She was used to Regina coughing once in a while.
Regina sat her cup of coffee down and signed a reply.
"Okay," Zelena said. "Do you want me to call Nick's parents and tell them that you'll be there in an hour?"
Regina nodded once. An hour suited her just fine. She had planned on going to the store, and she had a feeling that Henry would like to go with her.
"Alright. I'll do that then," Zelena said briskly and rose from the couch once more. Regina watched her walk away and felt slightly amused. Her sister was being extremely obvious right now.
Silence fell between her and Emma, and Emma's still slightly concerned expression made the guilt rear its head again inside Regina. She got the urge to tell Emma something. A truth. Any kind of truth. She tore off another post-it and wrote the first thing coming to mind. 'Henry's been staying at a friend's house since yesterday. I always feel so guilty when I have to send him away. He prefers to be around me.' She pushed the note towards Emma.
"You shouldn't be feeling guilty," Emma said immediately.
As sweet as it was, Regina did not agree with her. She absolutely SHOULD be feeling guilty. For so much more than sending Henry away. She grabbed a new post-it note and began scribbling down a new message. More honesty. Her hand was almost cramping a bit when she was done writing. 'I'm afraid that's easier said than done. I can't help it. I gave him the fright of a lifetime when I was unconscious for a week, and once I woke up, he cried every time it was time for him to go home. He keeps thinking that I'll disappear again. My therapist keeps saying that it is alright for me to send him away once in a while, that he has to see his friends and get the chance to be a normal little boy, and I understand what she means, but it's still hard.'
Emma was quick to read the long message. "You're seeing a therapist," she said, relief seeping through her voice.
Of course. Regina wasn't sure where she would have been if it hadn't been for Kristine. She nodded in confirmation and reached for her cup of coffee again. Took a little sip as if to test her throat. It went better this time. It didn't hurt. At least not as much. She discreetly observed Emma once again. Felt that her feelings hadn't changed at all. She was still on the brink of falling for her. But unfortunately, the circumstances had not changed either. Liam was still out there. Emma was still at risk.
Regina traded her cup of coffee for another post-it note. She wrote down another message. 'I think it's best if you leave now.', and handed it to Emma.
"Okay," Emma whispered.
Regina nodded a little. She was desperately trying to keep the façade going. She couldn't let Emma see how upset she was. It wouldn't be fair.
Emma emptied her cup of coffee, and when she stood from the couch, Regina copied that motion and together they walked into the hall. Regina was fairly certain that Zelena was watching them from the kitchen, but she couldn't be bothered by it.
Emma grabbed her parka. She shrugged it on and carefully zipped it all the way up to her chin. Was it cold today? Regina hadn't even been outside.
"Thank you for... wanting to see me."
Oh, fuck. Emma sounded so hesitant and insecure and upset. Regina wanted to kick herself. Repeatedly. She had done this. She was the one who had made Emma feel this insecure. How could she even make up for that?
Emma reached back and opened the door without turning around. The gesture could have been an odd one, but Regina immediately understood what was going on. Emma didn't want to look away. Regina felt the same way. All the feelings she had buried in a shallow grave came swirling back. They were still muddled because of fear and hesitation, but they were definitely still there. They were…. They were real.
Regina lifted a hand. She didn't even think about it. The gesture just came naturally. Her brain didn't catch up with what her body was doing until she was suddenly cupping Emma's cheek very, very lightly. The touch was so feather light it was barely there.
Emma flashed her a wobbly smile. Then she leaned into the touch.
The smile that blossomed on Regina's lips came naturally too. She could have told Emma many things if she had been able to talk. Her buried feelings flickered within her. A teeny, tiny flame had started burning. It was not much, but it was reassurance that her feelings were still working. She was still capable of feeling-
Emma moved away from the touch and the spell was broken. "Bye," she muttered.
Regina offered a nod and a faint smile. The flickering feelings had surprised her. She had tried so hard to push Emma out of her mind, but it had not worked.
"Take care of yourself," Emma said and looked as though she regretted it immediately.
But Regina appreciated it. And she was tired of smiling and nodding. So she formed the words: "you, too" silently and hoped that Emma understood. Judging by her nod, she did, and Regina took a chance and hoped that Emma was good at lip-reading as she silently formed words one more time.
"Don't... take...any... more... risks," Emma said aloud. She understood.
Regina nodded and felt another pang of worry. She wouldn't be completely calm until Emma was back in Steveston.
"Okay," Emma whispered and looked as sad as ever as she finally went backwards out of the door. She didn't turn around until she reached the gate.
Regina stepped out on the porch and followed Emma's walk to the car with her eyes. Emma's shoulders were slumped, and even though she was not capable of talking properly, the words 'come back' still burned on Regina's tongue. She wanted nothing more than to call Emma back to her. Bring her back inside. Sit her down on the couch and ask her to just talk to her. Tell her something. Anything. As long as she stayed. As long as she kept talking. And smiling. She so yearned to see Emma smile again. That smile that had been lingering in Regina's mind for the past three weeks.
Emma climbed inside the car and drove away, and Regina was certain she was taking a piece of her heart with her. She sighed and stood shivering in the doorway. The air was cold, but not nearly as cold as the feeling settling heavily in her chest.
This was so unfair.
Why did Liam Jones have this power?
Why did he decide who she saw and didn't see?
Why was she still being controlled by a man who carried the surname Jones?
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fucking fair!
A hand landed on her shoulder, and Regina jumped a little as she whirled around on the spot, immediately in a state of high alert.
"Sorry!" Zelena said quickly and winced. "I thought you heard me come."
No, she had not. She had been lost in her own head. But instead of telling Zelena this, Regina settled for a shrug.
"Did Emma leave?" Zelena asked softly.
Regina nodded. Yes. Emma did leave. And took something vital with her.
Zelena touched her shoulder gently once more.
'She shouldn't have,' Regina signed. 'She put herself in danger.'
"But you were happy to see her," Zelena said softly.
Regina shrugged again and signed once more. 'My feelings are not relevant.'
Zelena studied her face carefully. "Aren't they?" she asked quietly.
Regina corrected: 'my feelings are not relevant until Liam is caught.'
"And when he is?" Zelena tilted her head. "What'll happen then?"
But Regina was done answering questions. Especially because she had no idea what would happen when (if?) Liam was ever caught. She had no idea where she and Emma stood. Emma didn't appear to be angry with her, but nevertheless….
There were so many things Regina could not give her.
So many things she was afraid of.
Like kissing.
Holding hands.
Being close to someone.
Regina turned her back on her sister and stomped back inside the house. She had time to do some work before she had to pick up her son…...
The rest of the day passed quietly and unceremoniously. Regina refrained from texting Emma. She had a feeling that it would make both of them upset. She tried to think of anything that wasn't related to Emma Swan. She picked up Henry from Nick's. She brought him to the store with her and together they bought the ingredients to make Mofongo. Henry chattered on, but it wasn't quite enough to make her forget about Emma. Seeing her again had only made Regina's feelings much stronger.
She was battling the intense urge to drive to Steveston.
She was battling the urge to find her gun and drive around until she found Liam.
She didn't necessarily want to shoot him.
Perhaps just wave the gun in his face until he got the message.
She wanted to drive to the sheriff station in Steveston and slam her fist against the table until the police located Liam.
And most of all, she wanted a second chance with Emma Swan.
She missed their coffee appointments. She missed writing post-it notes. She missed hearing Emma answer her questions and laugh when something was funny.
Emma had such a beautiful laughter.
It did not matter that Regina hadn't heard it for a while. It was forever scored onto her heart. And she had gotten used to her mind pulling out the memory often…
She went to bed early that night. For whatever reason, she was still exhausted. But she didn't go to sleep right away. Instead she was sitting with her laptop and messaging Malena. They were exchanging random pleasantries about this and that and Regina was working hard on being a better friend when there was a knock on her bedroom door.
Zelena stepped inside. Her face was completely drained of color, and Regina was already halfway out of bed because she was certain that this was about Henry. That something had happened to him. A nightmare. Or a freak accident in the bathroom.
"I've just spoken to Sheriff Graham," Zelena began, and Regina raised an eyebrow in confusion. She did hear the phone a little while ago, and she had been annoyed because of the high volume she was certain would wake Henry.
"Liam threw a brick through Emma's window earlier," Zelena croaked. It looked like it was bringing her physical pain to deliver the news.
Regina's hand flew to her mouth and she was certain she was going to be sick. No! God no! Anything but that! She shook her head repeatedly and the room started blurring before her eyes.
"Nothing has happened to her!" Zelena said hastily as she came over and grabbed Regina's elbow to support her. "Regina, look at me. She's fine. Okay? She's unharmed."
Unharmed. Thank god. What a wonderful word that was. Unharmed. Regina nodded vaguely, but her mind was still spiraling. Liam had thrown a brick through Emma's window! This was not 'just' following her in his car or vandalizing her car. This was serious. This was something that could have killed her.
Her breathing sped up and her palms dampened as her throat dried. He had known that Emma was here. He had most likely been following her.
When would this end?
What would happen next?
Regina's imagination ran amok in scary scenarios.
Liam sabotaging the breaks on Emma's car.
Liam waiting for her in the parking lot at night.
Liam creeping into her room when the diner was quiet and abandoned. Liam standing above her bed and just watching her until Emma woke up….
"Regina? Sweetie, are you still with me? There is something else I need to tell you."
Regina nodded rapidly three times. What more could there possibly be?
"Graham asked if it would be possible to come down to the station tomorrow," Zelena told her. "He has something he wants to talk to you about. Something about needing your help for something. He wouldn't say what it was about, but…."
Regina had started nodding even before Zelena had stopped talking. Yes, she would come to Steveston station tomorrow. And she was willing to do anything to help! Anything to stop Liam Jones' reign of terror!
To Be Continued…..