"Are You With Me" by Nilu is the song I listened back to several times for Part III. Honestly, it speaks for itself, and there probably couldn't have been a more perfect song to capture the tone of what's happening in this story at this point. So there's that.
Take a deep breath, cuz this ain't over yet.
He and Kisumi went to the Nanases' to watch Haru and Rin's final freestyle events.
At this point in the games, all three of their friends were Olympic medalists. Rin had swept the 100m butterfly with gold. Ikuya had kept to his word and grabbed bronze for the 200m breaststroke and a gold for the individual medley. He'd competed in the 400m freestyle races, and only just missed another bronze, while Haru took the lead. But all three of them had nabbed a silver for the freestyle relay, and now all that was left for Haru and Rin were the 100 and 200m freestyle finals, in which they would be swimming head to head with four other countries.
Having two Japanese swimmers in both freestyle finals had been unheard of at this point, and the duo had been getting a lot of public attention for it over the past week especially. The energy in the Nanase house was high, and the room where everyone was gathered around the TV was packed.
Haru's parents had returned home and invited literally everyone over for a viewing party. All of the Tachibanas were there, along with the Iwatobi team's swim coach and club advisor, Nagisa, Rei, Sousuke, and Rin's family as well. It was a very loud and vibrant environment to be in, especially with Nagisa and the Tachibana twins running around the house in a very intense game of freeze tag. All of the doors had been left open to give them all breathing room and the rowdy bunch more real estate to weave in and out of everyone else. There was food, sake, sparklers, and a lot of conversation.
Asahi did his best to absorb it. He wanted to. The Olympics were more than trivial, and having friends competing in the games was a huge deal. It should have been enough of a well-placed distraction on its own. Being around a rowdy group of excited family and friends was a situation that certainly had the potential to help that along. A breather. They needed one. So he tried to participate. He talked to Rei for a while, absentmindedly ate a lot of pizza, acknowledged Sousuke with a nod, and peeked consistent glances over at Kisumi, who had stationed himself halfway out the open door to the back deck.
There was ultimately too much downtime before Haru and Rin's races, however. He and Rei ran out of things to talk about, or they would have, if Nagisa hadn't swept through the room and latched himself to the taller boy, dragging him away while he insisted Rei protect him from Ran, who was apparently it in the game of tag. Rei didn't seem to much appreciate being interrupted in the midst of his very thorough analysis of quantum theory, but he was also gone very quickly, and Nagisa and the twins swallowed him up into their game like it was nothing. Asahi wasn't exactly bothered by it. He didn't really understand what quantum theory was anyway, but Rei was nice and had seemed quite excited to be talking to someone who wasn't Nagisa about it, so Asahi hadn't bothered to stop him.
"I usually just tell him I'm not interested," said a husky voice close by.
Asahi turned to find Sousuke standing next to him, sipping on a drink, while he stared at the spot where Rei had been successfully kidnapped. Asahi was confused by the comment, until Sousuke gave him a look that confirmed he'd been reading his mind.
Asahi shrugged, absently crossing his arms over his chest. "He seems very enthusiastic about the things that he knows."
"He needs more friends. Nagisa's going to drive him insane."
"Are you not friends?"
Sousuke shrugged. "Sure. Just mostly by happenstance more than anything. Everyone else left."
Asahi nodded vacantly. This was weird. They'd probably already broken some kind of record for the number of words exchanged between them in one conversation — at least in person. That was probably normal for two people who only really knew each other through knowing other people, but also, the particular people they knew each other through, and the particular circumstances as of late that had been forcing them to carry out some form of communication with one another just really made this weird.
"What's he like over there?" Sousuke asked vaguely, and when Asahi focused back on him, he found that those teal, stormy eyes were gazing across the room at Kisumi, who was still keeping quietly to himself and hadn't moved.
Asahi felt the tug of a frown on his lips. "He isn't," he answered bluntly, head shaking. "He's quiet. He doesn't eat. He sleeps all the time, and he hides … often."
Sousuke nodded, not bothering to look away from their mutual friend. "Suppose it doesn't make a difference where his is then."
Asahi let his chest sink. His response was quiet. "It probably does a little bit. It would make more sense for him to be here. Especially since Hayato's …"
The rest just sat there, in the stale silence of denial. Neither one of them finished that thought.
"You know, Shiina … I didn't get you for a while," Sousuke said, still with a distant and unwavering gaze. "He talked about you non-stop, and I'm sure he still would if none of this shit was happening. I know his parents don't want him to stop his life, want him to finish school, but it does make more sense for him to be home right now. Initially, when he told me he was going back to Tokyo, I knew it wasn't about school. I just didn't get why you had that kind of power over him. All he had to do was listen to your voice once, and he gave in so easily."
Asahi was already well tensed up by the time Sousuke paused in a thoughtful silence. This wasn't helping. Asahi's fingers curled themselves tightly around his own sleeves and he knew he was subconsciously shrinking himself down, because Sousuke was an admittedly intimidating person — especially to be standing shoulder to shoulder with. Truthfully, Asahi's shoulders didn't even reach Sousuke's. And being so directly spoken to in such a way just made him feel like he was being reprimanded.
"I didn't …" He stopped, because he'd been about to say that he had never asked for Kisumi to come back to Tokyo, but that wasn't true. He'd not only asked, he had begged. That made him frightfully nauseous. "I wasn't asking him to leave everything behind. I just … didn't want him to give up."
Sousuke pulled in a breath and it made him even bigger. That really didn't help. But then he finally looked away from Kisumi. His eyes examined Asahi in a very tense manner, until he let go of that breath and the edges of his gaze softened. "I know," he said, matter-of-factly, and his demeanor changed entirely all of a sudden. "I've been meaning to tell you … I'm impressed."
Asahi squinted. "Impressed?"
"I hardly think I need to say this to you," Sousuke explained, turning to look back at Kisumi, "but he's the kind of person you know you'll never find a copy of, from the moment he first smiles at you." He shook his head fondly with a quite sigh. "He was such a headache, when we were kids. And even more of one as we got older, but I always knew he was the kind of friend I'd regret giving up. I'm grateful, for all the little things that kept bringing us back together, but … I was always afraid that there would never be anyone big enough to handle him. Kisumi needs someone who's as bright, and full, and charismatic as he is, but he also needs someone who's willing to take care of him and accept the sides of him that are harder to swallow. That kind of person would have to have a lot of tenacity to even come close."
Asahi found that his face was a bit warm when Sousuke glanced down at him very intentionally.
"Initially, I didn't think you qualified," the larger man said bluntly. "But … you've changed my mind. So I'm impressed."
Asahi could only really blink in response, because he didn't really know what to say. He felt like he'd just received an older brother's blessing to be a part of Kisumi's life, and that was certainly weird. And also, it made him feel strangely guilty, because all this time he'd been a little bit bitter about Sousuke being the one of Kisumi's friends who was in the right place at the right time to care for and comfort him whenever he was home in Iwatobi. He was glad there was someone — as opposed to there being no one at all — sure. But it was no question that he was a little bit prideful and just simply always wanted to be the one perfect person resolutely standing at Kisumi's side.
He looked down at his socks and finally let his shoulders relax. "Th- … Thanks. I guess." He struggled with himself for just a little bit longer, before forcing himself to take a humbling breath as he squared his shoulders to Yamazaki. "And thank you, S-Sousuke, for everything you've been doing to take care of him. He … He's needed it."
Sousuke stared at him for a good, long, chilling while, and then one of his large hands reached up and patted Asahi heavily on the shoulder. "Give yourself more credit … Asahi," he mumbled. And that was all that he said as he looked away again, and Asahi wasn't sure why, but, for a moment, that made his throat tight.
Nothing else really needed to be said between them after that, so Sousuke wandered off, leaving Asahi to recover in the wake of being prodded somewhere he hadn't known was so vulnerable. Sousuke had just given him several new things to think about, but he wasn't quite sure how to absorb them at the moment, so he kind of just ended up having to stick them in a metaphorical back pocket as Rei suddenly reappeared, looking very flushed and out of breath, and discreetly hid himself behind Asahi's back.
"Save me," he hissed, just barely a second before Nagisa and the twins ran back into the room and scoped him out like a pack of hungry hyenas.
"There he is!" Ren shouted, and they stampeded forward.
"No, stop! I beg you!" Rei squealed, hands gripping Asahi's shoulders and dragging him backward with him as he moved to run away.
Asahi wasn't sure what game they were playing now, but thankfully, he was saved from being sucked into it by Gou suddenly jumping up and shouting, "They're walking out! It's starting!"
It was a little bit of a bustle, the commotion that followed, where several minutes passed of everyone collectively getting overexcited, while Haru's father tried to gather up anyone who had wandered off. There seemed to be a lot of mom voices screaming, "Wait! Wait! I'm coming!" as though the race would pause itself for them. The twins were trying to sneak more dessert at the wrong time, and Nagisa wasn't the greatest influence when their father told them to hold off and he swiped them a shirt-full of red bean cakes anyway. It was overlooked, because a pink-cheeked Sasabe spilled the rest of his sake when he raised his glass with a very loud and misplaced cheer. Amakata found it particularly funny. Her cheeks were pink too.
When the race actually started, Asahi found himself squeezed between Makoto and Nagisa, who were arguably equally excited, which was fascinating to see on Makoto, because his excitement looked a lot like anxiety and involved an intense amount of trembling and deep breathing.
"Calm down."
Makoto nodded, hand squeezing Asahi's with cold fingers and a bouncing knee as the six finalist swimmers stepped up on their starting blocks for the 200m race.
"I'm fine," Makoto said breathlessly. "He'll be fine."
"He knows how to swim."
"You're right. He knows how to swim."
"He doesn't just know how to swim," Nagisa said, cheesing at the TV with an excited grin. "He's gonna kick ass."
"Nagisa-kun," Rei chided, smacking the back of his shoulder. "The kids."
"Oh, sorry. Don't repeat what I say, little ones."
"Kick ass, Haru-chan!" the twins screamed.
"Hey, come on now," their father admonished over their giggles.
A whistle called the swimmers to set on screen, and the level of tension rose in the room.
"Shh shhh, they're starting," Gou hissed, patting down the twins' continuous laughter.
"Oh gods, I'm so nervous. I can't watch," Haru's mom breathed, hand to her chest. Her eyes remained glued to the screen regardless.
There was a single anxious heartbeat that seemed to be shared across the whole room, and then the moment the gun went off to start, no one could stay quiet. There was a lot of screaming, as though somehow Haru and Rin could hear them through the screen on the other side of the planet. Asahi was jostled, not just between Makoto and Nagisa, but by whoever was behind them as well. The kids jumped up in front of the TV right in the middle of the race, and everyone shouted at them to move. They were each dragged back by one of Makoto's arms, and he cuddled them close to his chest, eyes wide as he watched his boyfriend swim one of the biggest races of his life. Ren ended up halfway in Asahi's lap, and he chose not to mind, because he was invested in what was happening as well. It was kind of hard not to be. He leaned his chin on the boy's shoulder and kept his eyes also on Haru specifically.
He started off the race taking his time, keeping close behind USA and Germany while Australia held the lead for first until about halfway through. Then Haru shot up out of nowhere and passed everybody on the last leg back, and with every swimmer he overtook, the room grew more and more excited until everyone was crowded together and screaming at the top of their lungs at the TV, and when Haru's hand touched the wall first, it was a madhouse. Asahi only just caught Rin coming in third behind Australia, as Makoto had already jumped to his feet, still with both of his siblings in his arms, practically squeezing the breath out of them as they laughed and he screamed. Their feet weren't even touching the ground.
And that was only the first rollercoaster. They had a whole other race to get through, and it really wasn't all that different. It was difficult for Haru and Makoto's dads to get everyone to calm down enough to settle back down for the next race, once it was time. A box of tissues had already been making its way around the room. Haru's mom was crying, Makoto's mom was crying, and they were both clinging to each other. Gou's eyes started watering up as soon as Haru and Rin took the starting blocks again for the 100m race. Rei — Asahi was pretty sure — had been crying for the past fifteen minutes, and Nagisa had managed to worm his way onto his back, with his arms closed around his neck, blond head perched on top of blue.
"Oh my god, Asahi," Makoto whined, practically hyperventilating as he fanned himself with one hand. His brother and sister were back on their knees directly under the TV. "I think I'm gonna throw up."
"Please don't," he mumbled, allowing Makoto to take his hand again.
"I need another one!" Makoto shouted frantically, waving the other hand over his head to anyone who would take it. Sousuke was the one who obliged, and dropped down on Makoto's other side. He was quiet, but Asahi could see the veins bulging in his forearm. Makoto either didn't care, or didn't notice that the blood was being squeezed from his fingers. He was probably holding Sousuke's hand just as hard. He was definitely crushing Asahi's.
Again, a heavy hush settled over the room, and it was only interrupted by a scatter of sniffles. No one immediately jumped up when the gun went off. In fact, this time it was almost deathly quiet, and yet it didn't feel that way at all. Everyone held their breaths, because for the first several meters across the pool, every single swimmer in it was neck and neck. Then Rin just barely began to creep ahead, and his mother's gasp broke the tension in the room. Whatever energy boost had just taken Rin, took Haru too and they both pulled ahead, elongating the distance between them and the rest of the finalists. The squealing started again, quiet and tense but it grew, most especially after the turn, when both of their kicks put them several meters ahead of the whole pack, and once they were clearly home free, the band of tension broke, and everyone was on their feet again.
Half the room was screaming for Rin, the other half for Haru, Asahi didn't know which names were coming from where, because there were several voices screaming for both. What he knew was that his arm was numb and his heart was pounding, and he didn't even notice how sucked into all the chaos he'd gotten. Even his own voice screaming for Haru to win got lost in his ears.
This race was between Rin and Haru and Rin and Haru only. The only country that was just barely managing to keep up was the States. The rivalling teammates from Japan were fueling each other's fire, remaining neck and neck across the entire length of the pool until the very last millisecond. Haru squeaked by by the tiniest margin, and the room was again lost in anarchic celebration. The crowds in Brazil were cheering, the commentators were cheering, the crowd in the Nanase house was cheering, and Asahi could swear, just for a moment, he heard cheering from a neighboring house in the distance. It was so loud, it sent his ears ringing.
Rin and Haru climbed out of the pool on screen, and Rin threw his arms around Haru, both of them dripping, both of them vibrating with the echoes of adrenaline, and Haru was actually smiling with Rin on televisions across the entire world.
Asahi didn't know who started it, but everyone in the house began hugging each other too. He didn't initiate a single thing, but he received several hugs from arms he was barely able to pay attention to. Haru's mom and Makoto's mom were now weeping into each other's shoulders, thanking each other for co-parenting an Olympic gold medalist. Sousuke had somehow made his way over to Rin's mom and was also actually smiling as he allowed her to squeeze him around the middle. Nagisa was holding Rei's glasses with one hand and handing him wads of tissues with the other. Gou crawled across the floor in a mess of her own tears and shook Makoto's shoulder. He was curled up in a ball on his knees, sobbing into the tatami mats.
"Someone help," she cried desperately, half with a laugh, half with her own sob. "Where are the tissues? Makoto-senpai, it's okay."
Nagisa leapt over Rei and shoved more wads of tissues into whatever space he could get them through. He and Gou knelt next to Makoto, leaning over with giggles and speaking in muddled voices as they patted his back. Rei made his way to them as well, and it wasn't until then that they finally were able to coax Makoto up off of the floor, and all four of them wrapped their arms around each other with red, teary faces, and joyous smiles.
"They're getting on the podium! They're getting on the podium!" the twins squealed, bouncing on their toes.
Everyone, still sniffing and hugging, turned their attention back to the TV, where Rin was beaming and jostling Haru with an arm around his shoulders. They were already back in their track suits, one giant Japanese flag draped across both of their shoulders. Rin waved to all the spectators that were still cheering for them, and Haru just simply went along wherever he was shuffled. His expression was back to neutral, but there was no doubt a gleam to his eyes that anyone who knew him would know was joy.
It was a quick victory ceremony, during which, the commentators couldn't stop prattling on about how having two Japanese swimmers on the podium at the same time was unprecedented. The flashing cameras in the stadium were going crazy, and Rin nudged Haru multiple times at an attempt to get him to smile. The more he prodded though, the more Haru settled back to his default expression, and Rin just had a cow.
The cameras stayed on them for a good while after that, as everything very slowly began to calm down, even though "calm" wasn't exactly the word for it. A field reporter managed to catch Rin and Haru before they could get away. She spoke to them in English, so Rin was the one who responded to most of her questions, still with a giant smile on his face, and completely out of breath, as though he had only just finished swimming. Asahi was able to interpret a good chunk of the interview.
"Matsuoka Rin and Nanase Haruka, you have both set world records in such a fantastic couple of races. Two golds, one silver, one bronze, and that's only the tail end of it," the woman said. "You've been catching everyone's eyes for the past two weeks, and setting records for your country left and right. You have really impressed a worldwide audience with your swimming. Matsuoka, I know you wanted the gold, but your teammate got you by a millisecond in that last stretch. That race was such a spectacle to watch. How does it feel to have come in so close?"
Rin's smile was glittering. He was still holding onto Haru. "It's feels fantastic!" He gave Haru's hair a playful ruffle. "I've been chasing this guy for years. If anyone's going to beat me, I should hope it's him. I'll get him next time."
"Nanase, you are truly the prodigy of your country. This is your third gold medal in a freestyle event. Surely you could have swept the board in so much more. Do you think if you return, you'll participate in other events?"
Haru blinked at the lady, clearly not understanding what she was saying. He looked to Rin, but he didn't even bother to explain. He just laughed and answered for him, and that same answer was echoed by several people in the Nanase house, who were watching and could understand what was going on.
"He only swims free."
"Ah, I see," the woman said. She looked to Haru again. "Well most certainly if that's your style, none of us have any complaints. Nanase, is there anything you'd like to share about your experience here in Rio for your debut, not just as an Olympic athlete, but now as an Olympic gold medalist as well?"
She held the mic out in front of his face, and this time Rin leaned over to mutter in his ear. Haru listened. He thought about it. It seemed as though he indeed had something to say, and now, everyone in the room was leaning forward with anticipation, because they were all curious and excited to know what dear Nanase Haruka had to say on camera in front of billions of people around the world.
He got close to the mic, looked directly up at the camera, and in unmistakable Japanese said, "Makoto, stop crying."
Makoto, thousands of miles away, laughed a tearful laugh and continued to wipe his eyes. "I'm trying," he whined.
And because of their abnormal telepathic connection, it really seemed like Haru received that response. He turned away from the camera and walked off out of the shot, and Rin tried to be cordial and not just break down laughing, because he was the only one on that end who understood what was going on.
"He said he loved swimming in Brazil, and he can't believe he's so lucky to have this opportunity," Rin said on Haru's behalf, even though Haru would have never said such a thing, even if he spoke perfect English.
The woman was satiated with this response though. She wished Rin luck on his swimming endeavors and said she was excited to see him in the next summer Olympic games. And once Rin was off screen, everyone in the room turned their attention back toward each other with a lot of exhales and smiles and congratulations.
It took Asahi a good few minutes of watching on from the background as the old Iwatobi team chatted amongst each other, before he realized he hadn't peeked over at Kisumi in a while. His eyes automatically glanced toward the deck, but the doorway was empty. The easy-going smile that had managed to make its way to his lips during all the commotion slowly slipped away and he stood, head turning around the room as his eyes darted between all the bodies but didn't pick out one with wavy pink hair.
He wandered out to the deck, avoiding the twins as they rushed past. It was dark, but warm light washed out onto the yard from the open door, and there was no Kisumi to be found. Asahi glanced over his shoulder and back, then turned away and made his way to the kitchen, thinking maybe Kisumi had gotten hungry all of a sudden.
The kitchen was a mess, and Kisumi was not there either. At this point, his brow began to dip, because he could see the bathroom from the hallway, and the door was wide open with the lights out. Something squeezed at his stomach, and he kind of hovered for a moment, unsure what to do in this unfamiliar territory.
Surely Kisumi wouldn't nose his way around the Nanase house for a hiding spot, but he wondered if maybe he should start opening closet doors and asking the Nanases about any small spaces they had around. Would Kisumi curl up in the bathtub at someone else's house? Would he venture upstairs?
Asahi started making his way toward the staircase, but when his eyes darted to the row of shoes in the genkan, he stopped. Kisumi's shoes were gone.
He allowed his gaze to sweep and re-sweep, but doing so didn't make the missing pair of footwear appear, so he sat and put his own shoes on, then glanced back over his shoulder once more before walking out the front door. He looked left, then right, then left again, and then tentatively strolled out into the night. His walk was slow, and he insisted on keeping his hands in his pockets, rubbing the lining between his fingers. He stopped at the edge of the stone steps and again glanced in both directions, trying to hone the MakoHaru gift of telepathy to try and guess whether Kisumi would climb the hill or descend it.
He tapped his foot, and just as he decided he would go down, something shot out of the bushes directly next to him and nearly gave him a heart attack. He yelped, leaping back, and watched the shadow of a calico cat dart up the steps toward another cat that he hadn't noticed had been perched on the top step, staring out at something with a swishing tail. The calico swatted at the cat at the top, and they hissed at each other, then both darted away out of sight.
Asahi let his heart settle back into his chest, then decided to follow the universe and took the steps up. The wind caught his hair once he reached the top. It was warm and damp and carried the song of cicadas and wind chimes. He brushed his bangs out of his eyes, scanning his gaze across his surroundings until it landed on a Kisumi-esque silhouette standing at the wood fence guarding the look-out point.
His back was turned, pink hair also rippling in the breeze. There was a slope to his shoulders, and his hands rested on the top rail as though ready to push on it. It took a moment for Asahi to realize that he looked extra tall because his feet were tucked between the picket slots as he stood perched on the bottom rail. He was very still, and for the frozen moment that Asahi just stood there watching him, he didn't go anywhere, but the contraction in Asahi's stomach deepened with a gut-twisting pull, and his fingers started to tingle with numbness.
He forced himself not to panic, because he knew his hyperactive imagination liked to assume the worst right out the gate lately, but there was certainly a lot of twitching in his legs as he strained himself not to run over and yank Kisumi back.
Instead, he approached slowly, and kept his eyes glued to Kisumi's feet, willing them to stay where they were as he crossed the grass. They did, but he was no more relieved when he made it up to Kisumi's side and glanced up at the lackluster numbness in his eyes as he stared over the cliffside at the water below. He didn't acknowledge Asahi's presence, and that didn't help.
Asahi tried to swallow, heart pounding in his ears. "Kisumi?"
Kisumi didn't answer, so Asahi took the initiative of reaching up to tug on his sleeve and bring his feet back down to the ground. Kisumi's body responded willingly, but those eyes didn't leave the drop over the rail. Asahi looked away and stared out at the sea instead, shifting so close to Kisumi's side that their shoulders brushed together. He slipped his arm around Kisumi's waist, curling his fingers definitively around his shirt and just kept him standing there with him, trying to allow the glitter of the moon's reflection on the waves to calm him.
Neither of them spoke for a good long while, and Asahi didn't know what he would say if he could. He couldn't tell if he was angry, or relieved, or just stupid for being paranoid. And it all just kind of manifested in a quiet anxiety attack that had his body trembling and his throat closing up. His grip tightened on Kisumi's shirt.
"I wasn't going to jump."
It was spoken so quietly that Asahi very nearly didn't catch it over the sound of his own pulse in his ears. But also, it didn't really help anyway. He didn't respond. Kisumi turned his head a bit, looking away from Asahi.
"That would have been rude," he added under his breath.
"It would have been more than just rude," Asahi said, still staring straight out at the water.
Kisumi drew his hands in and looked down at them as he pinched at his own fingers. "Did they win the last race?"
An odd shiver ran down Asahi's spine. "Haru took the gold. Rin was right behind him. They nearly tied. No one else was close."
Kisumi nodded. "That's good."
The breeze weaved between them as they went quiet again. Asahi was still struggling to rein it back in. It was a wonder he wasn't stomping his feet and punching the wood posts of the pavilion behind them. Instead, he really just felt like he needed to lay down and close his eyes for a good long while.
"Kisumi," he managed to get out, after a considerable number of heartbeats had passed. "You promised you wouldn't leave me."
It took a long time for Kisumi to respond, and when he did, all it was was a frail whisper of, "I wasn't going to."
Asahi finally took his eyes from the scenery to stare down the boy next to him. "Were you thinking about it?"
Kisumi's jaw flexed. "It crossed my mind."
"Why?"
"Because people have passing thoughts. I wasn't going to jump, Asahi. I promise." His tone was severely flat, and Asahi really couldn't tell if he was being sincere or bitter.
"How often do things like that cross your mind?"
Kisumi didn't answer. Instead, he swung his gaze over at Asahi, and they stared into each other's eyes for a while. They couldn't read each other. Absolutely nothing was clear, and it was all just very ominous.
"What did my uncle tell you?"
"Enough to keep me awake at night. Why is it that you never told me about it yourself?"
A very flat smile made it to Kisumi's lips. "Of course I couldn't tell you about it, Asahi. You would have done something irrational." He turned his eyes back to the sea. "And it wasn't your load to bear anyway."
"I'm your friend," Asahi said, aghast. "I've always been your friend. I was then and I am now. Irrational or not, at least I could have done something. You never even gave me the chance to help."
"Because there was nothing you could have done. I know it hurts, Asahi, but I don't think there's anything you can do now."
Yes, that certainly hurt, like taking a spear straight to the sternum. He felt that right down to his core, like a streak of ruthless lightning, and it came out of him in a painful huff of breath. He withdrew his arm from Kisumi's side and leaned his elbows on the rail to drop his face in his hands.
"I'm sorry," Kisumi said, tone still so very dry. "I told you I didn't want you to be miserable."
"Then why are you doing this to me?" he whispered into his palms.
"You can't fix this, Asahi. I wish you could. I wish you could, and I would let you, if that was at all possible, but it's not. Hayato is going to die."
Asahi gritted his teeth, alarmed by the very violent resistance he had to such words. He dropped his forehead to the wood and gripped the back of his hair.
"My little brother is going to die. You can't stop that, and neither can I." There was just the smallest lift of emotion in his tone as he said so, but whatever resolve he'd found was solid. "I wish it was different. I ache for this to be different. Every time I close my eyes, I pray that when I wake up it was all a bad dream and I can go on with life like it never happened. But that's not how this goes. I already know how it's going to end, Asahi. I'm not going to make it."
Asahi snatched the front of Kisumi's shirt so fast, he couldn't even process the transition. "Stop. Stop it," he growled, shaking the other boy with his fist. He probably glared him down harder than he'd ever seared at anyone in his life. "Don't you dare say that to me. I am not going to eat your morbid shit."
Kisumi's eyes were dead, staring back at him, and Asahi couldn't stand it. Kisumi didn't even try to fight him off or get out of his grasp. He just stood there limply. "Asahi, I'm so tired."
"Fuck you! I'm tired. We're all tired! I don't give half a shit how tired you are. You are not going to leave me!"
A weak, half-hearted laugh made it past Kisumi's lips, and he had the audacity to look at Asahi with pity. "I told you'd be irrational."
Asahi allowed the rage to flood him and it burned through his veins like a boiling geyser. He shoved Kisumi down to the ground, not at all nicely. "You'd better fucking believe I'm irrational. I will beat you within an inch of your life before I let you give up like that. Take it fucking seriously! I asked you a question. How often does it cross your mind?"
"Every day," Kisumi spat back, glaring up at Asahi now, elbows in the grass. "Every fucking day, Asahi. Do you really want to add that to your paranoia? Why are you doing this to yourself? You already watch me like a hawk, and have all but put a tracking device in my neck. Does it help you sleep easier at night? It doesn't change what's happening with my life. It doesn't change the fact that one flying belly flop off the cliffside will be the end of all of this fucking pain. You have no idea what this feels like! I'm not just tired, Asahi, I'm weak. I'm not strong enough for this. I've been suffocating for months! And I'm a pathetic excuse for a brother. I can't even convince myself to keep fighting for Hayato's sake. How fucking unbelievable!"
Kisumi's face was burning red now, eyes flaming with fury. But it was of the kind that was self-directed. He was angry with no one but himself. He breathed heavily and gripped the grass in his fists now that he was sitting up. He didn't look at Asahi anymore.
"Get over yourself," Asahi said, somehow also out of breath. "You're the strongest person I know. I don't want to hear that bullshit. The fact that you're here right now is proof of that. I don't know what it feels like, but I do know that even though you've been suffocating, you've found a way to breathe through all of this. You are not weak, Kisumi. And for as long as that little boy is breathing too, you know you're not going anywhere. If he can fucking fight right now, then you better put your fists up, because you can too."
Kisumi didn't answer, and he didn't look up. His shoulders rose and fell as he kept his eyes on the ground between his legs. Asahi knelt down in front of him. He reached forward and lifted Kisumi's chin with his fingers.
"Put your head up. You're not done."
Kisumi stared back at him. The rage had dissipated just that quickly, and he was back to a slightly saddened, blank expression, with just a little bit of red left in his cheeks. "Asahi …"
"Enough, Kisumi," Asahi said, shaking his head. "That's enough. If hope doesn't help you, then I don't know what the fuck you're getting out of being hopeless, but keep it away from me."
Kisumi's shoulders sagged as he exhaled a long breath. "What's going to happen when this is all over?"
"I don't know. There's no point in thinking that far ahead. You just focus on getting through the day, and let me do the rest."
The pity came back, and Kisumi gently shook his head. "You can't change it," he whispered.
"The fuck I can't. I'm not just going to sit and do nothing. I'm irrational, remember? I own that. You are going to make it, and I'm going to help you."
Kisumi's jaw rippled with strain again. He swallowed, and then the rest of his body wilted in defeat. He turned his head to the side. "I really can't push you away, can I?"
"No," Asahi said, getting to his feet. "But nice try."
He stuck out his hand, and Kisumi took it, allowing himself to be pulled up off the ground.
"Congratulations, by the way," Asahi said as they slowly started their way back to the Nanase house in wordless agreement. "If you thought I was watching you closely before, you're not going to like me now."
"At least you're persistent," Kisumi mumbled, tone back to flat.
Asahi had nothing to say to that, so they put a stake on the end of the argument and went back inside.