"It's okay," Wyn murmured. He brushed his hand against her arm, up and down and up and down. It was meant to be soothing, but the speed of the motion gave away his horror. Even her older brother wasn't immune to fear. The thought only made her choke up again. "Kara, it's okay."

"No." No. That was all she could say? As she stood waiting with her back to her closest friends waiting for one to die so it felt safe to turn around again? No? She wasn't being considerate; she was just a coward.

Kara felt sick to her stomach. A cold sweat gave her goosebumps and it suddenly hurt to breathe. Ashamed, she pushed Wyn away and hugged her arms to her body. She couldn't look at him. When Ravus finally decided to approach, he stood at a safe distance, forming an oblong triangle with she and her brother. He stared at Mairi and Leo, defeated. For a moment, all was still.

"There's nothing we can do for him. That's far too large an injury and we're hardly equipped to handle bruises."

Kara sniffed and dug her chin into one of her palms. "I know."

When Ravus directed his attention toward her, she would have sworn on her life that she saw sympathy in his eyes. "I knew the bombs were a bad idea. I shouldn't have allowed them."

"I allowed them, too," Wyn reminded him softly.

With a thin-lipped smile, he reached out and squeezed Ravus's shoulder to get his reassurance through the commander's shame. Because that's really all it was, wasn't it? Ravus had lost a good one to something so easy to avoid. He was embarrassed. But when Kara looked back up at him, she knew that wasn't the case. It wasn't a look of disappointment—it was one of condolence.

Finally, Ravus took a deep breath. "I'll spare you a few more last moments before we move him back to camp for transport."

Mairi whipped around with nothing but fury in her eyes. "Moments?! How do you expect me to say farewell to the years that were ahead of us in mere moments?!"

"Mairi, no one is saying you have to forget him," Wyn replied softy. "But we can't stay here. We have to bring him back to camp for him to be sent home."

"Like a fucking package," she snorted, crossing her arms and glancing down at Leo's body. She flinched and averted her eyes. It was starting to hit her that he wasn't coming back. "I can't do this shit anymore," she gritted out. Sniffling, she scrubbed at her cheek to erase her tears before they could be seen.

Kara struggled to swallow the lump in her throat and shuddered. Leo was right. Ashamed, she raised her head and forced herself to look up at Mairi. "Leo said I'd have to remind you why you're here."

"Fuck off," Mairi snapped, turning away from her sadness once more to face Kara instead. "Fuck off. Leo is the reason I'm here. I told him I'd fight as long as he did."

"That's all?" Kara demanded, trying her hardest to be strong in the face of her friend's rage. She knew she was weak and struggling to even lift a finger to make herself sound bolder. She was tired and hurting. She didn't want to argue. "Nothing for Tenebrae? Nothing for—"

"For what? You?" Mairi laughed bitterly, throwing her head back. The sound sent chills down Kara's spine. "I don't give a shit! You can preach all you want, Kara, but you were the only reason he blew up. You were the only one here!"

Kara gritted her teeth and blinked harder to clear her eyes of the tears that started to well back up. There it is. "You don't think I know how fucked this is? You should've been the one here in his last moments—I know that." She shrugged and glanced at the ground. She couldn't stand looking at Mairi any longer. "I'm sorry it was me instead."

Mairi scoffed and faced the horizon. "Cool."

"Why don't you head back to camp?" Wyn suggested. He rested a hand on Kara's back and she shivered. Leo used to do too when he thought I was overreacting. "Ravus and I will keep an eye on her until she's ready."

"What do I say to everyone else?" Kara asked quietly, watching Mairi dig her nails into her arms. She dreaded the thought of walking into a silent cluster of stares, all awaiting news of Leo's condition. All wondering why she'd gone back alone, running from her mistakes like a coward.

"Nothing," Ravus said sternly. He was back in his leadership state of mind, more focused on the practical issues of the situation than their feelings. "Keep your head down and your mouth shut. I'll address the issue when I return."

"Okay."

Kara's predictions were right. Lisa and Ky leaped to their feet upon seeing her return to camp, but she kept her eyes on the ground and her blood-stained arms hugged to her body as she hurried into the tent where her new cot was set up alongside Leo and Mairi's. She ignored her deepening sense of dread and mechanically rinsed scrubbed the blood off her skin like it was only mud. Slowly, she pulled off her stained uniform and pulled on a cleaner one, shoving the bloody clothes into her bag.

When she reached the bottom, though, her knuckles knocked against smooth glass and she froze. She'd smuggled a fifth of the sweetest liquor she could find in the bottom of her bag in hopes of having a little extra fun with Mairi and Leo, but with the fire and the enemy on the other side of the dust cloud that had swallowed them all, she'd never felt safe even taking a sip. Now, though, she couldn't bring herself to care about anything. I shouldn't, she thought as she pulled the bottle free and stared at the bright pink drink inside.

Sighing, she glanced at the door and then at the cots. One was going to be empty for a long time. Kara's stomach churned. He never found Mairi's ring. She huffed and twisted off the cap for the first time, unable to relish in the satisfying crack of its breaking seal as she normally would. She hardly felt the familiar burn of alcohol in the back of her throat as she drank as much as she could before she gagged on the sugary taste that Mairi loved so much. A swig of water. Another round of chugging until she couldn't anymore.

Tired, Kara fell onto her back on her bed and tucked the bottle under her arm for easy access should she start to feel again. Through the thin walls of the tent, she saw that the sun's light was beginning to fade and watched its dim speck drift toward the horizon between drinks.

Suddenly, Wyn threw open the flap to her tent and she jumped, fumbling in an attempt to sit up without revealing the bottle.

"Hey, Ravus is gonna talk to everyone and he needs you out there, too."

"Mhm."

Kara stood and every drop of poison she drank rushed to her head. Unsteady, she stumbled her way toward him. The thought that she might smell drunk didn't cross her mind until his nose crinkled and his eyes bore into hers accusingly. She glanced away quickly, forcing herself to walk as straight as possible to one of the poles supporting her shelter.

Staring hard at Ravus as if she was incredibly interested in what he had to say, she leaned against the pole a little harder than she intended, causing the roof of her tent to dip a little, but she'd stopped caring. Wyn shook his head with a sigh and went to stand by Ravus. Everyone else had gathered closer, wondering what had taken so long. Wondering why Mairi was on the ground hugging her knees to her chest beside a body that was wrapped in sheets like a monster from a horror film.

"We lost one of our numbers this afternoon," Ravus said curtly, his cold eyes darting from soldier to soldier. Loqi was the only other soldier that didn't stand at attention, arms crossed and back leaning against a crate as if he was listening lazily to another boring report about how the imperials wouldn't be able to reach them with supplies. He didn't look bothered in the slightest. If Kara had been a little less drunk, she might've given him a piece of her mind. At the moment, she could hardly stand, much less comprehend what Ravus was saying.

Ravus continued as if the disorganization of his unit didn't bother him. "Hopefully the magiteks will be able to reach us soon to bring us more supplies and to take Leonard back to be buried." Leonard. Why the full name?

"And if they can't come?" Ky asked. She sounded tentative and it was odd.

"Then he'll have to be buried here," Wyn answered gently.

"Hm." Loqi looked smug, and when Kara shot him a look, he shrugged. Mairi glared.

"Until then, we'll keep trying to push back into where we were before," Ravus finished. With that, he turned abruptly and headed toward the tent he shared with Wyn.

"What?!" Kylinn demanded. "Leo just died! Why are we still pushing?"

"We're not here to mourn."

"Ravus, what the hell?!"

Ravus ignored her and closed himself away. Wyn, ever eager to clean up after his best friend, stepped toward Ky and offered a sympathetic smile.

"I understand it's difficult, but I think we'll feel better if we have something else to do instead of sitting here in silence thinking. You're welcome to take the time you need, of course. If anyone feels like they can't make it the whole stretch, I can call and have them take you home when they bring us stuff. I'm sure they can arrange for cadets to come try their hand at the field."

"Seriously?" Loqi snorted, rolling his eyes. "Leo died. Big whoop. No one's going home over that."

"Excuse me?" Mairi demanded, getting to her feet.

Loqi twisted his lips into a menacing smile. "The only reason anyone cares is that you two were bed buddies."

"Don't you fucking—"

"He's just being an asshole," Kylinn said, hanging onto Mairi's shoulder and standing in her path to Loqi. Quickly, Ky glanced over her shoulder at Kara. "If you want, you can stay with me and Lis if you need a break."

"Fuck off," Kara grumbled, stumbling her way back into her bed.

She didn't care what anyone thought. It felt like she was the only one who really cared that Leo suffered such a gruesome end. Mairi was too busy being pissed off at Kara and Ky was looking for a way to sleep in. It made her angry. She took another swig from her bottle and sat on her cot, staring at the fire through the gaps in the flats of her tent. Her tent, because Mairi never came back for her things. She went straight to Ky's tent.

Kara took another drink.

The sun set in mere minutes, and the fire died with it. Everyone had retreated for a little extra rest or some solitude. Kara got up and paced her tent, swishing around the bottom quarter of the bottle aimlessly. Somewhere along the many circles she walked around the beds, she decided she needed fresh air. She tugged on her jacket and clutched the neck of her bottle before stepping outside.

The moon struggled to break through the dust, but its light had dispersed enough to cast an eerie glow across the sky and light the way around the measly camp. Kara wandered toward the fire and poked at the glowing coals for a moment, staring hard at the mummy of Leo that still lay on the ground, abandoned by both his soul and his friends. It was odd, staring at the place his leg used to be and at the wrinkles on his head where his smile used to brighten every room. It was odd that she already didn't feel anything when she looked at him.

Sighing, she tossed aside the stick she'd used to poke the fire, took another drink, and headed toward the outside edge of the camp. She made it to the back of Ravus's tent, where a bunch of old crates and a bin of extra supplies sat like a makeshift wall. Back to the camp, she turned her eyes to the dusty sky and stared hard at the pitiful glow of the moon. This sucks.

It took a lot of strength to bring the bottle back up to her lips, and once she did, she drank too much choked. The alcohol burned her nose and made her eyes water. She almost fell flat on her face, stumbling forward and protecting the drink above all else. Once she finally, caught herself, she scrubbed at the tears on her face and winced at the burning in her throat.

"Where did you get that?"

Startled, Kara turned dizzily to see Ravus standing behind her with his arms crossed and eyebrow raised. She stumbled over her words for a moment, mind racing but too slow to catch anything substantial.

"Uh… my bag. From home."

Ravus sighed and stepped closer, eyeing her. "Wyn said you were drinking, but I didn't think it was this bad."

"You make it sound like I'm not holding my own," she retorted defensively. The night air was starting to bite through her jacket and she shivered.

Ravus glanced down at the bottle before nodding toward her tent. "You should go to bed. It's cold."

"No." Kara took a step back, trying to get away from him in case he tried to force her into her tent. "I won't be able to sleep and I'll go crazy sitting there."

She fully expected Ravus to be angry with her for being in that state out in the field when they had to watch their backs at every moment and for blatantly rejecting his authority. Instead, he heaved another sigh and glanced toward the crates behind his tent.

"At least get out of the wind, then."

Kara eyed the crates, hesitating. But the air was frigid when it started blowing and Ravus was only trying to help, so she nodded and started toward the tent. "Okay."

Ravus followed slowly, keeping a sharp eye on their surroundings. Kara clumsily fell to the ground and shuffled around until her legs were crossed. With a scoff, she patted the ground in a silent request for Ravus to join her.

"You can't just abandon me now."

"I wasn't planning on it," he muttered, taking his sweet time in joining her.

Once he'd sat down, they both realized the space was much smaller than they'd originally thought. Their knees were pressed together and she could feel the heat radiating off his body, but she wasn't complaining. It was chilly and she was feeling lonely. Grinning, she raised the bottle and tipped it toward him.

"Well, cheers to everything going to hell."

Ravus huffed and tilted the bottom of the bottle downward when she went to take another drink. "You don't need any more of that. You've already had too much."

"Stop me," she snapped playfully. With a mischievous smile, she offered him the bottle. "Why don't you drink it, then? I'll just finish it alone in my tent after you leave me alone, anyway."

"No, you'll control yourself," he retorted, grabbing the bottle when she tried to drink again. She laughed, letting go and forcing him to hold it instead.

"C'mon, Ravus. There's nothing out here and everything sucks. I can tell you're miserable too."

Ravus's face twitched into a frown at that. Kara pretended not to care and turned her eyes back up to the sky, but she was still focused on his every move. She really thought he was going to pour the rest of the alcohol on the dirt and provide her the opportunity to berate him. Instead, he threw her off completely and knocked his head back, downing the last of the pink poison. She gave up on pretending and raised her eyebrows.

Ravus cringed. "What was that?"

"Some shit the she-devil likes," Kara replied with a shrug. "But hey, that was impressive. I didn't think you'd actually drink it."

Ravus shook his head with a grimace and buried the empty bottle amongst the other junk in the crates behind them. "I decided you're right."

"About?"

"I am miserable."

Smiling, Kara reached out and patted his leg (though, she missed the first time and pawed at the air). "Welcome to humanity, Ravus. It's about damn time."

Ravus shook his head and took a breath to speak, but just as he did, the clouds parted and the moon illuminated the world. Kara's mouth snapped shut and she stared hard in an effort to make the stars stop moving. It had been so long since they'd seen the sky that it stunned them into a long silence. Kara shifted onto her knees, restless as ever, and caught herself before she could hit the ground face first. Maybe I should've taken it easy.

"Thanks," she teased. Ravus raised an eyebrow, tearing his eyes away from the moon. His cheeks were turning pink, a reminder that he had actually polished off her bottle. "Could've died."

"You can handle it."

"My own death?" She laughed and he cracked a small smile. "Damn, you have a lot of faith in me."

"Too much, I fear." Ravus glanced once more at the sky. "I forgot we see this every night in Tenebrae."

"Most places do." Kara ruffled her hair with a sigh. Suddenly, she was tired of being drunk. She just wanted to feel normal again. "Do you think we'll make it into where we were before?"

Ravus didn't answer for a moment. Instead, he stared hard at the ground, brows furrowed. "… You can't tell anyone this." Eager to hear a secret, Kara shifted closer, trying to catch his eye. "If the magiteks can get into range soon, Zegnautus has been working on better parts that allow them to handle better within the Lucis climate."

"They could carry us into Insomnia?"

"They could fire from the ships," he corrected, glancing over at her. Her eyes lit up.

"And they'd need more leaders within those ships!"

"Quiet." He huffed, flinching when she reached out and grabbed his shoulders, standing on her knees.

"Ravus, that's the job Glauca was talking about!" she whispered, excited.

"Yes, it is." Her skin burned red hot under the sleeve where he put his hand on her arm, a silent signal for her to let go. "Hopefully—" He cut himself off with a shake of his head.

"Hopefully what?" Kara asked, sinking back onto the ground. She left her hand on his leg, not wanting to pull away altogether.

"I hope they can get here in time." Ravus wasn't saying something, but she wasn't in her best state of mind and didn't think to push harder.

"Hm." Kara's leg was starting to fall asleep, but she didn't want to move.

The second silence wasn't as comfortable, flooded with tension that Kara couldn't explain. She turned her eyes back to the sky, trying to act like it wasn't bothering her. Maybe she was the only one who felt it. But Ravus continued to stare down at the thumb that was brushing back and forth across his knee, lost in his head. Or maybe he was pretending, too. She wasn't sure of anything anymore. Family wasn't the most important thing, friends didn't last forever, and she was working with the enemy to fight another enemy. The world was upside down.

"What's the plan until they come?" she asked.

Ravus shrugged one shoulder. "Survive."

"But you said—"

"There's nothing else we can do with our numbers." Ravus finally forced himself to look at her. "Not with the Glaive as prominent as they've become. We'll have to hold our own and wait for Verstael to find a sustainable way to fight back."

"Okay."

Kara offered a small smile, but her heart was starting to pound. He was close, so close, and she couldn't recall a single time he hadn't lectured her about personal space by then. She was brought back to their encounter in Lunafreya's office the day he learned they were being deployed again. He'd been so angry, and when she asked about her brother, he called Wyn weak for being kind. She'd only been teasing when she suggested that made her weak, too. You're the exception. Goosebumps prickled up across her skin just as they had in Luna's room. Was there something there that she was ignoring? Had this tension always been between them? Why hasn't he backed away yet?

It was odd, sitting there and staring Ravus dead in the eye. He hadn't wavered, staring right back. The only thing that changed was the movement of her thumb; it stilled the moment she noticed she'd been leaning closer without realizing it. Something sparked in her mind and she knew she could make an awkward joke and back out, say something about being tired, really anything, and he'd let her off with a dry scoff.

But she didn't want to leave, and she didn't want to lie. Not to him, and not to herself. And right then, she knew she wanted to close the gap. She was too afraid to say it, but it was true. She tried to think how her mother taught her to when it came to making decisions (Will you regret it if you do it or if you don't, Kara?), but her head was spinning too fast to weigh her options.

The silence had gone on for too long and her palms were starting to sweat. But Ravus was full of surprises that night, and the instant she flinched the slightest bit toward him, he was the one to move forward and press his lips to hers. She jumped, startled. It was jarring, but she easily buried her hesitations under the sea of alcohol in her belly and pushed back, digging her fingers into his leg.

Kara should've just left it there, where things could be brushed off as the drink and not as some scary, deep desire. But she didn't. She couldn't. She was greedy. She went back to standing on her knees, digging her fingers into his silvery blonde hair. Something inside her cried that this was wrong, but it was that same part that told her this was her only chance.

Ravus seemed to be in the same boat as her, though he didn't have the drink to blame. She'd expected him to be shy, waiting for her to take the lead, but he wasn't. His fingers dug into her sides, trying to pull her even closer. Breathless, Kara pried one of his hands away and pressed it to her chest, preparing what little strength she had left to hoist herself into his lap.

But just when she started to get up, he pushed both of his hands against her hips, forcing her back to the ground. Kara froze, stared up at him from where she sat on the dirt, dizzy, and propped herself up on her elbows. Ravus stared back with accusing eyes; his first instinct was to blame her. But it melted quickly, and he looked away.

"I can't—" He bit down on his tongue and closed his eyes. "Kara, we shouldn't. We shouldn't have done that."

"No?" Kara was flustered, bright red from embarrassment, and winded. "Gods, Ravus, I'm so sorry. I didn't—"

"Don't." Ravus sighed, still refusing to look at her. "You're drunk. I shouldn't have…" He shook his head for the six hundredth time that night. "You should go to bed."

"Y-yeah." Kara forced herself to her feet, hugging her arms close and keeping her eyes on the ground. "Are you going, too?"

Ravus was starting to get red again. "No. I need some air before I go back to your brother."

My brother. Kara squeezed her eyes shut. Shit. She took a deep breath and gave a single, firm nod. "Right. Goodnight, then."

With that, she stumbled her way back to her tent. Inside, she tore off her jacket and threw herself into bed, burying her head under her blanket. She wished she could scream without waking everyone up in a panic. But long before she could bear to think about what had happened, she was fast asleep.