Yeah, I Loved you, So What

Snow had fallen since the last time Castiel had been at the cabin. The passage of time seemed impossible in retrospect but at the same time, he felt like he'd been at home for an entire lifetime. He felt old and tired. Drained of life, but here he remembered what it felt like to live.

Jack struggled to undo his car seat in the back of the Impala, too excited to take the time to do it properly. "Snow, Daddy! Can we make snow angels? Please!" Jack bounced and wiggled until Cas helped him out of the seat and picked him up.

"Let's get inside first."

"Party Pooper!" Dean called, flopping on his back into the fluffy snow and waving his arms and legs to make a ridiculous parody of an angel.

"Dean!" Jack squealed and wormed his way out of Castiel's hold, diving face-first into a snowbank from the last time the drive had been plowed.

Castiel ran over and pulled the boy up from his feet, eliciting a squeal of delight. Dean grabbed Jack's hands and the two men swung and threw him into the snow.

"Hey Jack," Dean called when he climbed out of the snow and shook the white fluff from his hair. "Did your Dad tell you about Garth?"

Jack tilted his head, cocked at an angle that flooded Dean's heart with affection. "I don't think so. Daddy?" He looked up at Cas with raised eyebrows.

"It's Dean's dog. Would you like to meet him?"

Jack frowned. "Is he like Uncle Enoch's dogs? They're mean."

Cas knelt down in the snow and took the boy's chin. "Not at all. Enoch trained his dogs to be mean and he treats them unkindly so they don't know any different. Dean teats Garth with love, so even though he's big and might be a little scary at first, all he wants to do is love us."

Jack scowls, his little face scrunched up so tight as he thinks, Dean almost laughs. "Okay. Will you stay with me, Daddy?"

"Of course," Cas smiles and then nods at Dean.

Dean trudges through the ice and snow and unlocks the door. He can hear the grunts and prancing behind the door and when he opens it is greeted by a happy Garth. His tail whips back and forth as he hops on all four feet toward Dean and then lifts the front half of his body to place his paws on Dean's shoulders.

"I missed you too, Buddy," Dean says, wrapping his arms around the furry goof. "I have someone for you to meet but you have to be gentle."

Dean motions for Garth to jump down and then holds on to his collar. "Jack, why don't you come here and say hi to Garth?"

Garth's tail whacks against the porch floor as the canine visibly vibrates with excitement at the sight of the miniature human.

Jack comes close and Garth tries to rush forward, but Dean simply says "gentle," again and Garth sits, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Jack presses his hands into the fur on Garth's shoulder and smiles up at Dean, only to be rewarded with a giant tongue swiping across his face. "Ewww!" The boy squealed and Garth bounced in place before leaning his head into the small boy and letting him pet him.

"That's exactly what he did the first time I met him," Cas chuckled.

"Garth knows a good looking man when he sees one," Dean cracks a smile and Cas blushes to his ears.

"Okay, let's go inside." Cas ushers Garth and Jack inside while Dean gets their stuff. They all change into dryer clothes and Dean starts a fire. When Jack skips off to use the bathroom Cas stands in the hallway, a misty look in his eyes. He feels untethered, like the air here is thinner, like he might evaporate if he doesn't hold on to something solid.

"You ok?" Dean asked, tempted to reach over and put his arm about him and pull Cas tight against his side.

"As soon as he's out of my sight, it's like I can't breathe. I never thought we'd get this far and now, it's so fragile, I feel like if I look away for even a second I'll lose everything."

"Hmmm. I can see that. You've been through a lot. It's going to take some time to adjust. But you did okay over the summer."

Cas lets out a harsh breath Dean desperately doesn't want to think of as a scoff. "That wasn't real."

It was like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat. Dean could feel the bruise around his heart deepening into an ugly purple black. "Oh."

"Wait, I didn't mean we weren't…"

"It's cool Cas," Dean plastered on his fake breezy voice. "We didn't make any kind of commitment and you don't owe me anything. I just want you and Jack to be happy." Dean frowned, running his hand over his mouth as if it could remove the bitter taste in his mouth.

"No, Dean, please let me-"

"Look, Cas, it's fine. Forget it even came up. I have to call Charlie, tell her I'm home so she doesn't have to drive out here to take care of Garth. Is it okay to let her know you're here? I never told her where I was going or why, but she'll understand if I say I was getting you." Dean stumbled over the last words, hating how much it revealed about what a fucking whipped dog he was, that his best friend would accept him disappearing for a week with no warning just to go get Cas. Especially when everything he'd pinned his heart on hadn't even been real.

"Um, yeah, you can tell here I'm here, but let's leave Jack out of it. For a little while longer?" Cas broke his intense eye contact when he heard the bathroom door open and Jack come flying into the room.

Dean stepped outside. It was cold and he hadn't bothered with a jacket, but he was glad for it. It gave him something to focus on. Something other than the crawling swarm of snakes wriggling in his gut, latching onto everything Cas said and assigning it with the worst possible meaning. He needed to calm down. The last thing Cas needed from him right now was pressure.

He hit the speed dial for his best little not-sister and smiled happily when she answered.

"Hey bitch, what's up?"

"Not much, chicken nugget." Dean laughed.

"Nope, still not right, keep trying. So what's the story, morning glory? You still out on your magical mystery tour?"

"No, I'm home. Thanks for watching Garth and the house and stuff while I was gone."

"Can you tell me where the fuck you ran off to like your ass was lit on fire?"

"Massachusetts." He paused and took a deep breath. "I went to get Cas."

There was a pause while Charlie reoriented herself to this new information. Dean gripped the phone, dreading the squeal and litany of questions he was almost certainly going to get. He wasn't going to have answers to any of them. He fucking hated being put in this position. He wasn't going to lie to Charlie, not even for Cas.

As he got himself more and more worked up, Charlie broke through with a quiet, "And how are you doing with that? Are you okay?"

It was the last thing he expected to hear, but that was because of his own shit. Of course, that would be her reaction. Charlie was the only person he really trusted other than his brother. She was good and even and constant. There had never been a time when he'd needed her and she hadn't been there.

"I don't know. I'm so fucking mad at him, but I'm so glad he's here, and I understand what happened better now, but I'm just so…"

"Heartbroken?" Charlie offered softly.

"Yeah Char, I am. I keep trying to talk myself out of it and just focus on what's in front of me but I don't know, what if he bolts again tomorrow or next week. Disappears without even a fucking note. No matter how good his reasons might be. He didn't trust me enough to tell me before, and I don't think I'd believe what he is telling me now if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes." Dean shook his head, thankful for the roof on the porch as the snow drifted down in heavy thick flakes.

"I don't know what's up and I'm not gonna ask, but secrets don't make friends. And usually, they end up biting you in the ass. It's gonna take time to come back from that. You both probably need a little time to figure all this out."

Dean nodded into the forest. "Ok, well I'm cold, I'm gonna go back inside. I'll talk to you later."

"Love you, babe.

"I know."

"Take care of yourself."

"Thanks."

Dean tapped out a quick text to his brother as he walked inside, sighing as the warmth hit him. When he looked around, Cas was puttering in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for something to eat, feet bare, and Jack was sitting on the floor next to an extremely patient Garth who was allowing the boy to play with his jowls so he made funny faces.

"Hey Garth," Dean called, getting the dog's attention. "Give Jack a boop." He touched his nose to show the command.

Garth leaned over and pushed his nose into the boy's to receive a cascade of tinkling laughter that filled the cabin and warmed Dean even more. When he looked at Cas, the man was smiling at him, blue eyes vivid and full of profound meaning that Dean couldn't trust but God, he wanted to.

Cas made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup while Dean stoked the fire and refilled the indoor wood bin. Jack laid down on Garth, using the giant dog as a pillow, mattress, and jungle gym. All of which Garth adored.

Dean's phone binged with a text. "Hey, Sam wants to come over tomorrow morning, but he's wondering if it's okay with you for him to bring Eileen. She's been worried sick but he hasn't told her anything. Plus she's like 76 months pregnant, you aren't gonna believe it."

Cas frowns.

"If you don't want her here, Sam will understand." Dean backpedals.

"No, I do. I've missed her a great deal" He looked at Jack. "Do you think… Do you think she'll be okay with all this?" Cas looked up at Dean, insecurities laid bare.

"Dude, you love your son. That's all anyone needs to know. The rest is up to you."

Cas gives Dean his cautious half-smile that pulls up the left side of his face cutely and nods. "Yeah, it would be nice to see them both and introduce them to Jack."

"Good." Dean tried to contain his enthusiasm. He had no right to push Cas. They'd only just gotten here today. But he needed proof. He needed to see that Cas wasn't going to just disappear, drifting off on a jetstream again, like he was never here in the first place. Dean needed to know if he was going to stay.

As afternoon turned into evening Cas gave Jack his evening bath and then stood awkwardly in the hall between the bedrooms. "I thought I'd put Jack in my room?" Cas said, the unspoken question shining bright. In the motel's Jack always slept with Cas.

"Yeah, that makes sense. I never stripped the bed or anything so it's all set."

Cas nodded and then slipped away to tuck the boy in while Dean took a deep breath. This was too much like a fantasy of a life with Cas, raising a son together. He needed to keep himself in check, remember who he was, who they were. He needed to find his footing in this new reality so he didn't float away and get lost in the dream.

"Dean?" Jack called.

"Yeah buddy," he stuck his head inside the smaller room with a smile.

"Will you sing me a song tonight? We sang all Daddy's songs in the car."

Dean blinked and looked at Cas curled up on the bed next to Jack with a fond smile on his face.

"Sure, no problem." He sat down on the end of the bed and put his hand on Jack's little foot from over the covers. "Uh, my mom used to sing this to me when I was your age:"

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

Jack sucked on his thumb and his eyes drifted closed listening to Dean's low serenade while Cas ran fingers through his hair. When he finished singing, Cas and Dean snuck out, closing the door behind them.

"Whiskey?" Dean said, running a hand through his hair, not sure what to do with his body.

"That sounds perfect. I haven't had a drink since August."

"No alcohol at ye olde compound?" Dean grabbed the bottle from the top of the fridge and pulled down two glasses, bringing all of it over to the couch. It seemed like the kind of night that might need a refill or two.

"It's not outright forbidden, just generally frowned upon, besides, I was safer sober."

Dean sat on the couch and poured them both three fingers before handing one of the glasses to Cas. He sat next to Dean, but not the way he used to. Not pressed up so Dean's arm could wrap around him and their legs would touch from hip to knee. Despite the fire, Dean felt cold.

"I know you're probably exhausted, but can I ask you something?" Dean twisted to look at Cas pulling his knee up onto the couch between them.

Castiel nodded, drinking half his glass in one go.

"Is there anything else? I mean, I'm sure there are details and things that may or may not be any of my business at some point, but you kept a really big fucking secret from me for months and I had no idea. I have to know if there's more."

"No Dean. Jack is honestly my whole life. Him and school, until I met you."

It was Dean's turn to look away and down his whole glass.

Dean poured them both more whiskey and leaned back against the couch. "So tomorrow we can go get you a new suit and something cute for Jack to wear to the hearing. Oh, and you need a new phone."

"I can't afford all of that. The suit I have will have to do and I can just get a burner."

"Cas, that's ridiculous. You have one shot at this. You need a nice suit. The one you had didn't really fit before and you've lost weight since then. And you need a phone you can actually text on. Come on. I've got this."

"No, my suit is good enough and I already owe you so much for the motels and food…"

"Are you kidding?" Dean shook his head like he could shake loose the meaning of Cas's words.

"No, why?"

"You don't owe me… Shit Cas, were you like tallying everything up in your head?"

Castiel nodded, confused as to why that was a problem. "I don't need you to take care of us. I can support my own family."

"I'm going to pretend what you're implying with that wasn't totally insulting and move on," Dean sighed. "You don't have a job and almost no savings. I can afford it. After you have custody of Jack, we can talk through what's mine, yours, and ours to pay for okay? I respect you for wanting to do it yourself, but now isn't the time."

Cas looked down at his hands and nodded. "Yes, I understand."

"Do you really? You said you have a lot to unlearn, maybe this is one of those things. Letting me take care of you doesn't make you weak. You know, my caring about you doesn't have a price on it."

Cas looked up, eyes bleary and nose red. "I don't want to cry anymore, I'm so tired."

"I know. But like I said, we'll sort it out after the trial, ok? For now we focus on what we need to do for Jack."

Cas shook his head and let out a hard breath. "I never meant to hurt you." Cas twitched like he was going to reach out or stand up or do something, but he just folded his hands in his lap.

"I believe you," Dean said and Cas whipped hopeful eyes to meet his. "But you did. And we have to take this slow. I have to know what you want, not some fantasy or game…"

"...it was never a game!"

"Yeah, I, okay, but you get what I'm saying right?" Dean refilled his glass and took a swig.

"I think so."

"Ok, then you understand that I'm going to sleep out here on the couch tonight."

"I can't take your bed." Cas's shoulder's curled in.

"Yes you can because I'm giving it to you. If Jack wakes up in the night and needs you, I'd rather you just have the bed for both of you to sleep in. I'm fine out here with Garth."

"I don't know, I think he may have abandoned you," Cas pointed over to where Garth lay curled up outside Jack's room.

"Ha, that's cute," Dea smiled and then shook his head and frowned. "But that's what I mean. There's Jack to think about now, not just you and me, and it's not fair for him to think of this as home and me as family if you're going to leave again. And Cas, I don't want temporary with you, I don't want just the summer and you not thinking it's real."

"I didn't mean..."

"Shut up Cas. Just shut up." Dean downed the rest of his drink and set it down, knowing if he let himself have any more and he'd end up saying things he regretted. His eyes were already filled with tears. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, looking at the floor on the other side of the room. "So, let's just table it. You and me. The future. You can't think about anything long term until after the hearing anyway and I understand. That's the focus. Jack is what matters. So we'll just give each other some time and talk again after that."

"Why are you avoiding me?" Cas turns back, but Dean won't look up.

Dean grimaces, "I'm not avoiding you. I'm right here. I'm just trying to… You need to focus on Jack. I need to… I need to believe that whatever you say it's because you mean it, not because you're scared or grateful or desperate. I want us to make good decisions, Cas. Because I can't take losing you again. I can't survive thinking I have you back and then you leave. It'll kill me, man. And you don't need that kind of pressure on you right now either."

Tears drip down Cas's nose as he nods. "I think I understand, but I have to admit, I don't like it."

Dean chuckles and shakes his head. "It's not a picnic for me either." They sit for a moment and Dean's hands itch to take Cas's in his and pull him tight, placing soft kisses on his neck, but he doesn't. After a moment of sitting, Dean slaps his thighs and stands. "I'm going to take a shower and change, tomorrow we'll get you a suit that doesn't look like you borrowed it from your older brother who works as an accountant."

"I thought my suit looked good," Cas pouts.

"It did. Cas?"

Castiel glanced up.

"You always look good."

"Dean," Cas looks up and holds Dean's gaze. "I don't want time, or space. I've had months of it." Cas stood and laid a hand on Dean's cheek and a tear finally broke through.

"I don't either, but that's how it's gotta be. That's how I need it to be." He sniffed and stepped away before heading to his room to grab pajamas.