Kotori looked at herself in the mirror. She looked terrible. Her eyes were red rimmed and puffy. Her skin looked sallow. Her eyes seemed lifeless and deadened. She splashed water on her face to at least try and wash away the redness from her eyes.

By some stroke of luck, she had managed to keep her composure all the way from the Hokage Tower to the privacy of her own home. A lifetime of suppressing her emotions, of donning a cheerful mask and upbeat demeanour, of shinobi don't cry had somehow gotten her this far so why stop now?

She had wanted to ask Kakashi to stay with her. Just this once. However the words had caught in her throat. The wretched lie that she was fine came bubbling up instead because Kotori could barely admit it to herself much less voice it out loud. She shouldn't have had to ask. Couldn't he see that she needed him here? What was so important that he needed to leave right away?

Didn't he want to stay?

Something had broken between them in her absence. She just didn't have the energy to fix it when she barely had the energy to get through the day. And a tiny part of her was lit with anger that it was on her shoulders to handle it. She tried to squash out that tiny flame of resentment. Kakashi would be back in a few days, they would talk. Everything would be -

Fine.

She really hated that word. She closed her eyes, hands clutching the edge of the pedestal sink. Kotori was tired of feeling sorry for herself. She was tired of feeling broken. Empty. Scared. She was tired of feeling like a ghost of her former self.

She decided she needed to go out and have fun. Something to take her mind off of everything. Something that made her feel more like herself. She hadn't seen a lot of her friends in a while and there was one place she knew she'd find them on a Friday night. So she carefully hid the redness from her eyes with concealer and applied a little makeup to look more lively. She put on her favourite outfit, grey pants with a white kimono-style blouse and a sky-blue haori.

The Rusty Kunai was busy any night of the week. However Friday marked the end of the workweek for many of those at the academy and in administration positions at Hokage Tower. As expected, Kotori found Izumo and Kotetsu in a booth with a group of shinobi, recognizing a few faces from the Barrier Team, Interrogation and the mission desk.

"Hey! It's Kotori. Move over would ya?" Kotetsu said, making room between him and Izumo for her to sit down.

The best thing about Izumo and Kotetsu was that they made her feel like no time had passed since the last time she had seen them. There was something simple about hanging around them that always brought her back to their younger days. It wasn't long before they were reminiscing about some game of truth or dare that got a little out of hand as genin. Kotori giggled as she tossed back another drink, listening to Izumo and Kotetsu blame each other for the police turning up and escorting them home to their parents.

"We wouldn't have gotten caught if you hadn't tossed me over the wall to the Tachibana compound!" Kotori reminded Kotetsu. "Lord Tachibana thought I was an intruder!"

"And then Officer Norio showed up!" Izumo shook his head. "I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life."

Sayuri's father had been a terrifying authority figure throughout their childhood. Kotori shuddered, remembering him dragging her home on multiple occasions. Sayuri rebelled against her strict parents and Aimi and Kotori usually winded up in the middle of it.

"Yeah, and Sayuri got sassy with him," Kotetsu snickered. "I miss her. She was a real firecracker."

The cheerful mood quickly turned sober. Kotori starred at her empty glass, her heart sinking the same way it did whenever she was reminded of her late friend. Tonight her thoughts took a more morbid turn. She wondered what people would say when she died. If they would sit around fondly remembering her, reminiscing about the past. She had had many near misses with death over the years, however this time had felt different.

"Where's Aimi tonight?" Izumo quickly changed the subject. "I don't see you often without her, or what's her name, Hayate's girl."

"Family thing," Kotori lied. She hadn't been sure of inviting Aimi out, not wanting her to feel the need to babysit her. "Yugao's on a mission. I'm off on medical and going stir crazy sitting at home."

"Nothing too serious?"

"I just had surgery on my leg. I have a few more weeks before I'm cleared." It was close enough to the truth. Her leg was fine, it was only her chakra network that was still healing. "I need to go to the girl's room. Excuse me."

She swayed a little getting out of the booth, suddenly feeling the alcohol rush to her head. Kotori didn't think she had been drinking that much, but then again it was hard to tell when Izumo and Kotetsu kept ordering more rounds. Her stomach twisted and she collapsed in front of the toilet just in time to empty the contents of her stomach. Kotori miserably hung her head as the world spun around her. She never drank this much. Had she even eaten today? Probably not.

She weakly opened the door, prepared to say her goodbyes and head home for the night. A man was standing outside the washroom.

"You alright?" His voice sounded familiar, concerned. However Kotori couldn't recognize him.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," she shakily said. Her stomach twisted at the thought that he might have heard her throwing up.

"Is there someone I can get to take you home?" He asked. "A friend, maybe a teammate?"

"No," she mumbled. She had come her on her own, after all. She didn't want to be a burden and have someone walk her home.

"Hawk - "

Someone from ANBU? That explained why he sounded familiar. Or did he? She couldn't quite recognize him, but that could be because he had two blurry faces. How was that possible? She had excellent vision. Like a - like a hawk.

She grinned. She wasn't an idiot and didn't trust strange men in bars. "I'm not Hawk."

"Well, whoever you are why don't you just stay put for a minute," he cheerfully responded. "And don't wander off?"

Her instincts were buzzing with the fight or flight response. She suddenly didn't feel safe in this dimly lit room full of unrecognizable strangers.

"Hey, hey! She's with us! Leave her alone."

Kotori could hear the stranger arguing with someone - two someones - however she was no longer paying attention to them. She backed up until she was touching the wall. There was no escape. Her hand slide into her pocket, only to come up empty. No kunai, no shuriken, nothing.

They had taken her weapons again.

She would have to fight her way out of here. Her leg was no longer agitated, but her chakra network was still weakened. Her heart pounded in her chest, she wouldn't make it out alive, but she refused to be taken captive once again. Not when she was so close -

She felt her muscles stiffen and she found herself unable to move. She silently fought against the invisible restraints.

Someone crouched down in front of her. "Kotori? Kotori! Listen to me, you are in Konoha. The Rusty Kunai, to be exact. Fuck, how much did you idiots let her drink?"

"We didn't know she would freak out!"

Panic overwhelmed her as she continued to struggle to force her body to just move. She needed to get out of here.

"Calm her down and get her home," an authoritative voice snapped. "The last thing she needs is ANBU having to subdue her."

The person kneeling in front of her grunted, before he tapped the tenketsu point in her neck. Her vision went black as she slumped forward.

When Kotori woke up, she could feel the throbbing at her temples from drinking too much. Her memories of the night before were fuzzy near the end and that scared her most of all. What had happened? Who took her home? Izumo and Kotetsu? She hated not remembering things and losing control. It felt too much like her time in captivity. Waking and trying to piece together what had happened.

Kotori hated herself for getting to that state, for leaving herself so vulnerable, for being a burden on her friends. What had she been thinking?

She crept out of her bedroom to get a glass of water.

Ensui was laying on her couch, his hands behind his head as he stared up at her ceiling. Kotori stopped in her tracks, her shame quickly rising. She could see the dark bags under his eyes and doubted he had gotten a good night's sleep in weeks. He had probably just gotten back to the village and had to deal with her. Twenty-two years old and still needed her sensei to babysit her.

"You should have gone home," she quietly said. She wrapped her arms around herself, looking at the book she left on her coffee table. "I would have been fine."

"I don't know who you think you're kidding. You're not fine," Ensui gruffly told her. "Especially not after last night's little stunt. You're lucky Ken was there and not some other ANBU captain or you'd be waking up in a holding cell right about now."

If a hole could open up in the floor, that would be fantastic. Kotori did not think she could possibly feel worse. She could feel the familiar burning in her eyes and throat and desperately wanted him to leave.

The colour drained from Ensui's face. "I - shit, I didn't mean it like that. I'm not mad, just worried about you."

And just like that, the dam finally burst. The messy tears she kept trying to hold back came flooding out. She tried to regain her composure, hastily wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand and trying to suppress the shaking of her shoulders. "I'm sorry, I - I - "

"Come here," he mumbled, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into a tight hug. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm so proud of you, did you know that? You've handled yourself with more grace and courage in that situation than most. You saved those genin and managed to keep everyone in good spirits. You're doing so well. Things are going to get better. Just let your old sensei help out this time, alright?"

Ensui was really the only consistent adult she had ever had in her life. Her uncle didn't have that much time for her once she got the hang of the clan techniques and she had never wanted to worry her mother with shinobi business. Even now, years later, when Ensui had fulfilled every obligation towards her as a sensei or guardian, he was still here for her. She didn't understand why.

"I'm a bit old for that, aren't I?"

"Nonsense. There's not a day that goes by that I didn't wish my old man was still around to offer advice."

"Yeah," she quietly said. Another old wound felt ripped open, especially with her emotions so unbalanced these days. Not that it would have mattered, her father probably would have died with the rest of her clan even if he had survived the third war.

It would have been nice to have one though.

She felt Ensui squeeze her arms before releasing her.

"I know shinobi means one who endures," she bitterly said, "but how much more do I have to endure? My entire family, killed in a night. My best friend murdered. I was captured and tortured within an inch of my life."

It felt good to lay out all of her grievances. Each time life handed her a heavy blow it felt harder and harder to get up off her knees.

"I wish I could tell you it gets easier from here," Ensui admitted. "You've seen more than your share of troubles, that's for sure. You know, I was at a bit of a crossroads myself when I was a teen. My father had just been killed and then three weeks later I was distracted on a mission and my partner was killed. She was infiltrating an enemy camp and I was supposed to be her backup. She was discovered and by the time I got there, well, I'll spare you the details. I was in a dark place until - "

Kotori had definitely never heard this story before, Ensui had always been private about himself. She could see the guilt he carried on his shoulders, the faraway look in his eyes.

"Until - ?" Kotori prompted him.

Ensui shook his head. "Come with me. I have something I want to show you."

Kotori quickly got ready and then followed him through the village, unsure where he was taking her. When he turned into the Nara compound Kotori thought he was taking her to his place, but then he missed the turnoff for his house. He missed the turn for Shikaku's house too and Kotori was well and truly lost. The Nara clan was large and sprawled throughout the forest, accommodating the large herd of deer that shared their land. Kotori knew there was also a medical research facility hidden somewhere that predated the Konoha Military Hospital.

He stopped outside a cute little cottage with an unruly garden surrounding it. Kotori could recognize several medicinal herbs and wildflowers in it.

"I'm sorry for stopping by unannounced, Natari," he greeted the woman who answered the door.

"Ensui, please, you're always welcome here. And this is - oh!" Her eyes widened in recognition. "Captain Kotori, I presume?"

"Just Kotori is fine." The use of the honourific, especially from a civilian who didn't know her, was out of place. Most were quick to assume she was a chunin due to her unassuming appearance.

She suspiciously stared at Ensui's back as she followed him and Natari around to the backyard. She knew all of Ensui's immediate family and most of Kosuke's and could safely say she had never heard of Natari before. She seemed to be around Ensui's age and had lighter brown hair. Cousin, perhaps? Intra-clan relationships were complicated.

"The kids are out back, I'm sure they'd be happy to see you - "

Kids. That would make her -

"Captain!"

Mimi happily pounced on her. Kotori braced herself, controlling the urge to flinch as Mimi hugged her. Kotori could only imagine the bruises she would have from the girl's death grip. She wrapped her arms around the girl and rested her chin on her forehead, gently squeezing her in return.

"Hey there Mimi, I still need to breathe."

"Right, sorry Captain." The girl looked up with suspiciously watery eyes. She blinked and the tears disappeared and her pink eyes glittered with happiness instead. "The doctors said you were released, but we didn't know where you lived."

"Oh, the shinobi apartment complex over in the residential district. Block three, building two."

"You know she's going to invite herself over, right?" Ryoku asked. He was hanging back a bit. The preteen too prideful to do something as lame as hugging especially with so many people around.

She ruffled Ryoku's hair and for once he didn't grumble or duck out of the way. Instead he just adjusted his bangs so they weren't as mused. She could see the small smile though. She should have visited the kids earlier. They had never been far from her thoughts, but she had been uneasy. The kids viewed her as some cool and badass ANBU and Kotori didn't feel like she lived up to their expectations.

Kouta grinned bounding up next to her, his shoulder purposely bumping into her. "All of the time. You might need to move."

"Hey!" Mimi growled at them. She crossed her arms as she lifted her chin. "Ms Nara said I was always welcome."

"Yeah and you took it a bit too literally," Ryoku grumbled.

Kotori chuckled. If she hadn't wanted visitors she wouldn't have given them her address. "Oh well, in that case, unit 306."

"See? Captain Kotori doesn't mind!"

She smiled at she listened to the kids bicker with each other. She carefully inspected them. Each seemed to be hiding it, she could still see the shadows in their eyes, the hesitation in their smiles. Had anyone checked in with them after they returned? Come to think of it, she didn't know much of their home lives. Surely their parents, or perhaps their clan leaders? Normally a team's sensei would check on them, but with Touma dead -

"I don't suppose you're free to train with us?" Mimi hopefully asked. "We haven't really had a teacher since - " Mimi went uncharacteristically quiet.

Ryoku lowered his eyes. "Shikaku said Lord Third was working on a replacement, but we're stuck in the village until then."

"Captain Kotori, you're a jonin aren't you? Can't you be our teacher?" Mimi turned her best puppy dog expression towards her.

"I - ah - "

"Oh come on, Mimi, she's an ANBU. She has better things to do than train us!"

Kotori awkwardly scratched her cheek at the reverence in Kouta's voice. He probably envisioned her off on some dashing mission while the truth was that she sat around her apartment and tried not to flinch at loud noises.

"She doesn't," Ensui clarified. He and Natari had been speaking a little distance away, although he was clearly listening in. "She still has a few weeks on medical leave."

He looked pleased with himself. Kotori wanted to hit him. He couldn't just volunteer her for things anymore. He wasn't her superior.

"Do we get to learn ANBU techniques?" Kouta eagerly asked.

Ryoku punched him in the shoulder. "We still need to learn basic techniques. Idiot."

"I should get a better idea of your skills before I teach you anything new," she said. That should stall them until she was allowed to use chakra or they were assigned a new jonin instructor. Perhaps get them to do a D-Rank or something she could easily supervise. It would give her a chance to check in on them. Ensui was right. It wasn't like she was doing anything these days. "Why don't we meet at training field six tomorrow morning? Around seven?"

The three kids quickly accepted her offer and Kotori wondered what the hell she had gotten herself into this time. She didn't know the first thing about training genin. It had been nearly a decade since she had been on herself. And things had certainly changed a lot since then. Her training had been a crash course in basic survival before they were sent off to do messenger missions between Konoha and the war camps.

She couldn't find it in her heart to deny these kids anything, especially seeing the joy in their expressions that she would be training them for a few weeks. Kotori was touched that they were so happy to see her.

"You knew that would happen," she accused Ensui as they walked back through the forest. She had forgotten how manipulative Ensui could be, even when he was trying to be helpful.

"It was the logical solution. They need a jonin instructor, you need something to keep you occupied. I talked to Shikaku while you were busy, it could be a permanent assignment if you don't want to go back to ANBU right away."

Before she would have eagerly jumped at the chance, Kotori loved kids and getting her own students one day had always been a dream of hers. Something that had been pushed aside when she was recruited into ANBU. However now she felt less certain. Self-doubt crept in, what could she possibly offer as a jonin instructor? Training she could do, but genin needed much more than just jutsu. Ensui always seemed to have all the answers when she was a kid.

"Don't be ridiculous, that's insane. I can't teach genin. I mean a few weeks sure, but these kids have been through so much, I don't know how I could possibly help them. I'm not exactly handling things all that great either."

Ensui snorted. "Sometimes the best way to learn a lesson is to teach it yourself. Are you going to let fear and despair get the best of those kids?"

"Of course not -!"

"Well you can start by looking inward to help them then."

The truth of his words hit her straight in the chest.

"Is that what you did?"

Ensui paused, sticking his hands in his pockets. He had a soft smile though. "Genin certainly have a way of challenging you and making you reconsider a few things."

"Thank you. For everything." Those simple words seemed so inadequate for everything he had done for her over the years.

Ensui was awkwardly scratching the bridge of his nose, clearly at his limit for emotional chats for the day. "Ah, no need for that. For what it's worth, I think you'll be a great teacher. You actually like brats."

A/N The Konoha mental health care system is pretty much "Hey, you're mentally fucked. How'd you like to teach some impressionable kids?"

I'm really excited to write Kotori as a teacher. The kids get a bigger role in the second half of that story and I've been looking forward to re-introducing them ever since they briefly appeared in chapter one. Ryoku has given me the most trouble as I try to distinguish him from Shikamaru because I really didn't want "another smart Nara" type. Ryoku and Kouta are both from branch Nara/Yamanaka families and not related to Shikamaru and Ino other than being clansmen and friendly. Mimi is Kiba's first cousin though. I have a scene of them interacting coming up ;)