"Ed, my friend, you are as beautiful as ever."
"Get the fuck off of me."
"We should have a great feast tonight to celebrate my arrival!"
"We're in the middle of the fucking desert, and I don't know that there's enough fucking food in this place to feed you for a day forget having a feast!"
Derek has no idea what Emperor Ling Yao was like when Ed last knew him, but judging by how Ed is reacting to him, he hasn't calmed down a bit.
He's young, probably a little older than Ed, which is a surprise but maybe shouldn't be. Derek had been a little concerned about what Ed said about Ling wanting him for his harem, but it's obvious from the way that Ling easily reaches out to hang on Ed's shoulder that they've been friendly in the past. Ed is not the type of person that someone just drapes themselves over without repercussions most of the time.
"How do you meet an emperor?" JJ asks under her breath.
"Ling barely counts," Winry informs, having obviously heard her.
A masked woman glares at them. "The emperor—"
"Is still an idiot!" Ed snaps. "Chill out, Lan Fan. Morgan and JJ aren't from this world and there aren't really emperors—idiots or otherwise—in their world, so it's not like they know how to deal with one." Ed works to shove Ling off of him, but he's managing to hold on with tenacity.
"Another world?" Ling asks. "Really?" His eyes open slightly, and Derek finds himself somewhat unnerved to be on the receiving end of those surprisingly keen eyes.
"That's it," Ed snaps, reaching behind him. He starts grappling with Ling, but so fast that Derek misses it, Ed ends up facedown on the ground with Ling straddling him.
Ling grins, a wide, smug smirk, and he leans down to murmur something in Ed's ear from where he has Ed's arm twisted behind his back.
"My esteemed brother and emperor," Mei says, her voice carrying a thread of command and ice in it. "It's so good of you to make this trip to greet your niece." She doesn't quite pluck Ling off Ed, but one moment, Ling is very much cool and in control, and the next he's on his feet and having Eden shoved unceremoniously at him.
"I thought she was his cousin," JJ says, confused.
"They are half-siblings," Lan Fan informs.
"They didn't grow up together and they're not that close, really, so Brother forgets," Al explains from his other side.
Derek raises an eyebrow at him. "So you married a princess?"
"Technically we're not married yet," Al points out patiently. Derek gives him a look, and he concedes and adds, "But yes, Mei is a princess. Her relationship is part of why we are the ambassadors between Xing and Amestris."
"Does Ed know he's going to be related to royalty?"
"I think the better question is if Ed would care," Derek admits, seeing Ed get up, rubbing his flesh shoulder from where Ling had it twisted behind his back as he walks toward them.
"You appear to be out of practice," Lan Fan says critically.
"Nice to fucking see you too," he snarks back. He glances back to where Mei is instructing Ling to hold Eden, but he doesn't seem as inept at the task as Derek might have thought.
Al must catch him looking because he says, "Ling has, what, five children now?" leaning around Derek to look at Lan Fan.
"Seven," she says. "Liu Yanmei just has twins." There's something tight in her voice when she says it.
" Seven ?" JJ asks, surprised.
"Only?" Ed asks.
"Two of his other wives are also pregnant at the moment," she confirms.
"Other wives?" Derek asks. "How many does he have?"
"Fifty," Lan Fan says, almost as if she thinks it should be obvious.
"Ah, the Xing empire has a lot of clans, and it's tradition for the emperor to take a bride from each clan," Al explains.
Derek stares, processing that, then turns to Ed. "So when you said you were worried about him asking you to join his harem…"
"Yes, I meant literally," Ed grumbles, brushing past him to sit on a bench behind him.
"Why you?" JJ asks.
Ed runs a hand through his bangs, annoyed. "Because we had a fling, and he's been trying to get me back in his bed ever since."
Derek meets JJ's eyes, glances over at Ling, who is probably closer to thirty, then glances back at Ed. He can't resist commenting, "So you've always had a thing for older men?"
It gets a squawk out of Ed, and both Winry and Al start chuckling.
"What's so funny?" Derek asks.
"Ling is a year younger than I am," Ed explains, irritated.
Derek doesn't feel quite as bad about how quickly his head swings to stare at Ling when he sees that JJ does the same. He looks closely, but he really doesn't see it. Between the grown breadth of his shoulders, his height, and the maturity in his face, he looks close to thirty, not Ed's own twenty-five.
"He is twenty-four years old," Lan Fan informs them discreetly.
"How old were you when you had this fling?" JJ asks, and Derek is relieved that she asks first.
"Sixteen. Look, it wasn't anything special or whatever. It was, 'we're probably going to die anyway, so let's not die virgins,' sex. That's it. I wanted Roy, but I never thought in a million years he'd actually want me, so it was… just a stupid thing. That's all." He looks away though, irritated.
Al says, "Ling has always had a bit of a soft spot for Brother. After the Promised Day, he invited Brother and I back to Xing, and specifically invited Brother back to be part of his harem."
Crossing his arms, Derek says, "And he means it?" he asks.
"Of course I mean it," Ling says, coming over to them with Eden propped up in his arms. She looks like she's seriously considering whether or not she's happy about the current situation, and Derek would bet that she's landing more on the not happy side of the equation than the happy side of it, judging from her scrunched up nose. Ling turns from Derek and the way he eyes Ed makes Derek want to put himself physically between them. Ed just seems annoyed, not truly angry, so he doesn't, but the impulse is there. If anyone looked at Spencer the way Ling is eyeing Ed, Derek would put them on the floor.
"Just because he's not here doesn't mean I'm not still with Roy, you know," Ed says, chin propped on his fist. "Besides, even if I weren't involved with Roy, I remember a certain cousin—"
"Sister," Al interjects smoothly.
"Sister, whatever," Ed continues almost as if he weren't interrupted. "A certain sister of yours expounded on what a terrible idea it would be for you to have an outsider in your harem, much less a male one, much less an Amestrian alchemist, much less a famous Amestrian alchemist."
Ling's grin widens. "Things have changed."
Something about his tone makes Ed's eyes narrow, and he sits up a little straighter, dropping his hands down into what Derek recognizes as a ready stance.
"Have they now?" Ed asks in a seemingly even tone. Derek has heard him use that tone with unsubs before, and it is never good when he does.
"Not that much!" Al tries to interrupt, physically stepping between them. Having her father so close apparently tips Eden over the edge because she starts wailing and reaching for Al. He takes her back from Ling with ease, settling her almost instantly, but it is enough to break the tension.
"Things have changed," Ling says. "With Xerxes being re-established like this, further connections between Xing and Amestris are now highly desirable. A match between myself and one of the Amestrian military's most decorated alchemists would be… very advantageous."
Ed face gets harder, expression smoothing away from everywhere but his eyes. If Derek thought that having Ed's full attention on him could be uncomfortable before, it's definitely amplified into unnerving with those unnatural yellow eyes.
"I'm still with Roy," Ed says, his voice almost devoid of emotion, and it sends a chill down Derek's spine despite the heat.
"That's assuming he comes back," Ling says. There's something taunting in his voice, but something sincere too. "You would have a place of pride—"
"If you ask me one more time, Ling, you're never going to father another kid, am I clear?"
That makes Lan Fan tense up, but Ed ignores her.
The teasing fades from Ling's face and he looks Ed over with more serious eyes. Derek has spent too much time around people who are far too smart not to recognize another one when he sees it.
"The offer's open, even if you don't have your alchemy—"
Ed's clap is never not loud. Derek isn't sure how he does it because it should definitely be muffled by the gloves he wears, but something about the sound echoes in the open air and draws all eyes to him. Without looking away from Ling, Ed bends at the waist and touches the ground at his feet. When he pulls his hand up, a pole begins to follow it up. Ed keeps moving his hand up until he needs to stand, and then the crossbar and tip of a spear are revealed. Ed moves his hand to snatch it, and it becomes immediately apparent that Ed knows how to use it as he drops into a ready stance.
Derek has known since the first time they met that Ed is a fighter. He knew from the way he held himself, from the way he watched the room, from the way he moved that Ed was someone who was trained. It is a little galling to realize that he may have known on an intellectual level that Ed was a fighter, but he didn't know that Ed was trained like this. What he's seen Ed do is not basic self-defense. He's a walking, talking weapon in a way that Derek has not truly encountered before.
Ling straightens, and Lan Fan puts her hand on the spear shaft.
"You have your alchemy back," Ling says, all traces of teasing and amusement gone.
"I do," Ed says, grinning this time, fierce and full of teeth. It isn't a nice smile, and Derek is glad it's not aimed at him.
Shoulder rising and falling with an exaggerated sigh, Ling puts his hands up. "All right, I give," he says. "As much fun as it would certainly be to have you in my harem, I'm not going to pretend I can keep you entertained in the capital if you have your alchemy at your command again."
"You really thought you could possibly keep him entertained even without it?" Al asks, sounding amused.
Ling shrugs. "Our libraries are extensive, and we have a lot of texts on both alchemy and alkahestry that have been lost to the West. I'm sure it could occupy him for a good long while if all he had were theoretical alchemy to work with, but." He scratches at the nape of his neck, and for the first time, he looks closer to the twenty-four he is than Derek has seen him look. "I guess even that was probably asking too much."
Ed gives Lan Fan a side-eye, and she releases the shaft of his spear, if reluctantly. She doesn't move away, staying in close enough proximity to likely intercept Ed again if he should look like he's going to go for Ling.
A polite but firm cough draws all of their attention to Hawkeye.
"If you gentlemen are quite finished nearly causing an international incident, perhaps we can get all the proper niceties out of the way?" she asks in a tone that tells them it is not at all a suggestion but a command.
"Just—are you sure that you and Mustang wouldn't be up to—"
"You put your fucking greedy paws on Roy, I'm going to remove them," Ed says.
Ling holds his hands up again in what appears to be a universal sign of I'm harmless . "Understood," he says, a nervous chuckle in his voice, but he seems back to his previous good humor. "Can't blame a guy for trying . It's not every day that an emperor gets turned down, you know."
"Lan Fan tells you no all the time," Mei says, coming up behind him. He startles and falls into his own ready stance, as does Lan Fan. "So I would think you're quite used to being denied things you want, Your Majesty."
Derek's estimation of Mei goes up several notches because not just anyone can manage to be that perfectly polite and also slide that kind of comment by without some kind of response other than flustered embarrassment.
Ed gives him a glare. "Are we sure you don't still have some of Greed in you?" he asks. "You haven't been that obnoxious—"
"In the better part of a decade?" Ling suggests, back at ease. "It has been a long time, after all, Ed. If you could see yourself the way I see you, I don't think you would blame me for at least having to make a sincere effort."
That makes Ed flush, if only slightly, and he turns his face away to hide it. "Idiot," he says, but this time there's no real heat.
"Perhaps," Ling agrees, something almost rueful, almost longing in his voice. Then he grins again and the disappointment is gone, and he turns to face Hawkeye. "My dear Captain Hawkeye! How good it is to see you. I trust that you can update me on how the rebuilding is going?"
She gives him a perfectly polite, perfectly neutral look, and had Derek not been watching the woman for two days now, he probably wouldn't have been able to guess at how irritated she was by the whole song and dance. "Of course, Your Majesty," she says with what Derek suspects is an inch-perfect bow of deference. "If you would be so kind to follow me, we can show you and your people to their rooms."
"Of course," Ling says with a regality that seems at once natural and out of place. He holds out a hand to indicate she led the way. "After you, Captain."
She nods and turns sharply on her heel, doing just that. Ling turns to follow her, but Derek sees the way his eyes linger on Ed even as his head turns away. He may be conceding for now, but Derek doubts this will truly be the last of it.