Chapter 28: Pain

Maura: March, Six Years Ago

Everything hurts, that was the only thing that Maura could think as she laid on her side on the hotel room bed, her massive belly resting on a pillow. It was the most comfortable position she could get in, but she was still incredibly uncomfortable. She picked up her phone to look at the time. She had been having contractions since yesterday. Her body was already exhausted, but she knew she still had a long way to go. Her contractions had been steady and consistent for the last couple of hours and about five minutes apart for the past 45 minutes – the longest 45 minutes of her life.

She and her doctor had been in contact since early labor started, and now she was just waiting for the contractions to be five minutes apart for an hour, at which point she would call her doctor and the witsec agent currently in charge of her protection. The agent would drive her to the hospital where she would be placed in a private room that had already been secured and swept for possible threats. Only authorized personnel would be allowed in her room and to participate in her or her babies' care, and a security detail would be outside her room at all times.

Yet, despite all of the people who were tasked with keeping them safe during the delivery, Maura had never felt more alone. It was one thing to be alone as a child, it was one thing to be alone on her birthday, it was one thing to be alone when she found out she was pregnant, but it another thing entirely to be alone when giving birth, especially when you knew you'd have to say goodbye to your children soon after they were born. Knowing that these were her last few hours with her daughters…that was the hardest part.

Maura cried out as another contraction ripped through her body. Her hands gripped the sheets that were already soaked through with sweat, and tears leaked from her eyes. She tried to concentrate on her breathing as she allowed her body to go through its natural process. When her body finally relaxed, she looked at her phone again. She let out a frustrated groan as she dropped the phone back on the mattress, it still wasn't time to go to the hospital.

The tears that had started during her last contraction picked up as her thoughts drifted to Jane. She had asked – many, many times – if there was any way Jane could be present for the delivery, but she hadn't been able to convince the marshals to allow it. There were so many reasons that she wanted Jane there. She wanted to squeeze Jane's hand while Jane whispered encouraging words to her as she rode out her contractions, she wanted Jane to cut the cords, she wanted to explain her decision to Jane, she wanted to see Jane hold them for the first time, and she wanted to have a chance to tell Jane how sorry she was for everything. But most of all, she just wanted to see Jane one last time – to say goodbye.

Later That Evening

Maura let the tears fall as she looked down at the sleeping faces of her daughters. She couldn't believe that they were here, and she couldn't believe that she'd soon have to say goodbye to them – most likely forever.

"I love you both so much," she whispered. "I never thought it was possible to love someone so much. I know you can't understand me, and I know you won't remember this, but…" Maura took a deep breath before continuing, "I need you to know that I'm trying my best to do what I think is right to keep you both safe and happy. I hope you never think that I gave you up because I didn't want you." Maura allowed her eyes to travel back and forth between the two girls. "I want you both. I want to be with you. I want to raise you. I want to be your mother. The only thing I want more is for you to be safe.

"I know Jane will love and cherish you. I know she'll do anything to keep you safe and happy. I know she'll be the best mother possible to both of you. But please remember that I love and cherish you, too. You're lucky though. Not only will you have the best mom in the world, but you'll grow up with lots of family. You'll have aunts and uncles and grandparents. You'll have crazy Rizzoli family dinners and loud holidays filled with love and laughter. But most importantly, you will never have to wonder if you are loved."

Early the Next Day

It was very early in the morning, but Maura hadn't slept a minute since the girls were born. The agent would be here at 7am to take the girls, and she wasn't going to miss a second with them. Baby A had been born at 8:52pm the previous evening followed by her sister at 10:04pm. They had been checked and cleaned before being wrapped in blankets and placed in Maura's arms. Maura was exhausted, but she wasn't going to let them go until the absolute last second. She'd been given the chance to feed them both with a bottle a few times throughout the night and a nurse assigned to her care had helped with diaper changes, but other than that the girls hadn't left her arms.

She had spent most of the night talking softly to them. She wanted to pour every ounce of love into them that she could before saying goodbye.

A very detailed plan had been worked out to facilitate the transfer of custody of the girls from Maura to Jane. In particular, both Maura and the marshals agreed that it would be best for the girls to never become wards of the state. This meant that Maura had to sign away her rights at the same time as Jane signed to accept custody. Therefore, the girls would be taken to the nursery at 7am. They would be protected by undercover marshals at all times. No one, not even Jane, would know, and the marshals would stay with them until they were discharged tomorrow. At that time, Maura would take a shower and complete her own discharge process. Jane would be called at 8am. The hope was that Jane would be able to come straight to the hospital, but there were no guarantees. Maura would stay with the lawyers and marshals until Jane agreed to accept custody. As soon as Jane agreed, Maura would sign away her rights, and she would be immediately removed from the hospital and taken to a new safe house or protected hotel. Even Maura didn't know where she would be going next. From that point on, Jane would be their legal parent.

As soon as she heard the knock at her door, Maura knew it was time. She wasn't ready. She didn't think she could do this. She couldn't say goodbye. She couldn't leave them. It was too much; it was too hard.

The tears that had been flowing pretty steadily since the night before increased exponentially as she gasped for breath. Her heart rate monitor started beeping just as the nurse walked through the door with two bassinets. The nurse hurried over to her and quickly removed the finger monitor before she gently placed her hand on Maura's arm.

"Shh, just breath," she said kindly. "Take a deep breath. I know this is hard, but we're going to do everything in our power to take care of you and your daughters."

Maura nodded as she tried to follow the nurse's instructions. When Maura was breathing a little more normally – they both knew she wouldn't be able to fully calm down in a moment like this – the nurse suggested, "Let me help you put them into their bassinets. Then, I'll step into the hallway to give you a moment to say goodbye."

Maura didn't answer, but she allowed the nurse to help her. When the girls were situated in the bassinets, the nurse said gently, "I'll give you a minute," as she stepped just outside the door.

Maura sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at both of them with one hand on each of their chests. "I love you both so much," she whispered through her tears. "I will always love you, no matter what. I'm so sorry that I can't be with you." She leaned down to give each of her daughters a kiss, whispering one last, "I love you," to each of them. When the nurse stepped back in the room, she nodded slightly. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she would vomit.

She held her hands over her mouth as she watched the nurse wheel the bassinets from the room. As soon as the door closed behind them, she collapsed against the bed as sobs violently shook her body. She let it pour out, knowing there would never be a more difficult moment in her life. She was honestly glad that no one came to check on her. She needed some privacy to grieve. As soon as she could breathe again, she made her way to the shower, tears still flowing down her cheeks.

While she was in the shower, the tears slowed as numbness took over. By the time she was dressed and ready to be discharged, she was moving on autopilot. The emotions were too much. If she let herself feel anymore, she wasn't sure she would survive. She felt like she was operating in a fog as she was discharged and moved to the secure room to wait for word of Jane's arrival and agreement. She didn't say a word, other than answering the legal questions required by law, as she signed away her rights. She didn't shed a tear as she was removed from the hospital through a back door, placed into a bullet-proof sedan, and driven out of Boston. She couldn't process anything going on around her. Time felt like it was barely moving and flying by all at the same time.

After the day was over, she wouldn't be able to recount anything that happened after she left the hospital. She was driven to a new hotel in Maine that would act as her new safe house, but it would be days before she would be able to answer questions about where she was. As soon as she let herself into the hotel room, she crawled into bed, ignoring the dinner that was delivered to her room by the marshals. Her body was sore from just having given birth, but she couldn't even feel that pain as the emotional pain in her heart overpowered everything else.

It took 24 hours for her to leave the bed for anything other than to use the bathroom.

It took a week for her to eat a meal without vomiting as her distress wreaked havoc on her stomach.

It took a month for her to say a word other than to answer direct questions that she couldn't get away with not answering.

It took three months for her to agree to try anti-depressants.

It took six months for her to finally start to talk in the witsec-mandated therapy.

It took a year for her to stop crying herself to sleep every night.

It took nearly three years and the birth of Sophie for her to genuinely smile again.

It took six years and coming home for her to stop hating herself.

It took nearly seven years for her to start forgiving herself.

It took thirteen years and sharing the truth with all four of her daughters for her to fully forgive herself.

A/N: {hides behind a tree} please don't hate me…I know that was painful. It was painful to write. I was originally going to pair it with the next "present day" scene, but I decided this needed to stand alone (which also meant you got a chapter today even though I didn't originally plan to get one out today).

Again, the legal process for transferring custody in this time of situation is unclear/hard to find information about (since it's not a typical adoption), so I took some liberties in making up the process.