Trigger warning: mentions of suicide
HYDE
The first thing I did when she threw herself on my arms was tuck her head under my chin and hold her as tight as I could.
God, I missed her. I spent 24 hours without her, worried as hell. I knew something bad was going to happen, I knew that, it was all my fucking fault.
I could've made her call in sick and dragged her to Point Place with me, I could've left Dennis and Dom to deal with the robbery by themselves, but I didn't. I could've insisted, but I didn't, and because of that, Jackie spent her night having a panic attack.
I've been reading a lot lately, I grabbed some books with Brooke about depression and mental illnesses in general, and I'm understanding this whole thing better. At least I think I am.
I'm not going to lie though, it's scary. It's scary because most of the books list symptoms and Jackie has most of them. And as I keep on reading, I get more and more terrified, because when things get really bad, some people try to take their own lives.
The first time I read about suicide, I had to take a huge break. Jackie was sleeping next to me that day, and I remember I wanted to hurl, because just the thought of Jackie reaching that point was enough to make me want to curl into a corner and cry. I can't live without her.
I shared my concerns with Donna later that night, and she said she doesn't think Jackie will reach that point, she also said I should take a break from all the research otherwise I would get extremely paranoid and that's not a good thing.
I didn't listen to her. I want to know what Jackie's been dealing with, and I want to help her get better.
I tried talking to her about therapy a few times, but she shut me off, said the therapist would send her straight to the "loony bin" and she really didn't want that.
Honestly, I don't want that either. Up until a few years ago, those places used to do some freaky stuff to their patients, things I would die before letting my doll experience.
I'm brought back to reality by feeling the wetness on my shirt. Fuck, she's crying.
"How you doin', baby?" I ask, rubbing her back. 24 hours without her was too long, I don't want to let her go.
"Better now that you're here" She replies, and I kiss the top of her head
"Wanna tell me what's going on?" I ask, cupping her face and wiping off her tears with my thumbs
"Can we talk in the car?" She asks, I nod and open the passenger door for her
"Did you have something to eat today?" I ask, starting the car and placing my free hand on her thigh
I see her hesitating and I sigh.
"Jackie…"
"I forgot, I'm sorry" She replies, and I nod
"We're stopping at the drive thru before heading home then" I say, putting my sunglasses on "Arby's or McDonald's?"
"Hmm… Arby's" Jackie mumbled, resting her head on my shoulder
"Okay then" I reply, rubbing her thigh with my hand as I drive
"How's the store? What happened?" She asks after a few seconds of silence
"The store is fine, the robber didn't take anything" I answer "He did point a gun at Dennis though, and the guy is a little freaked out"
"Hmm, what about the other employees?"
"Dom was in the back when it happened, he's the one who called the cops. The new guy was with him" I say. I kiss the top of her head and I sigh, we need to talk. "What happened today at work, doll? Why were you crying?"
"My boss just gave me three months off work" She says, and I look questionably at her
"Seriously?" I ask "Why?"
"She said she noticed I was sad, and that it was affecting my work" She answers "I really thought she was going to fire me for a few seconds, but she didn't. She said she knew what I was going through and said that I should use this time to get better, I just don't know how"
"Jackie… Don't you think it's time for you to see a therapist?" I ask warily, and she looks at me with those big, sad, mismatched eyes of hers
"No" She says firmly "They'll take me away, I know they will, I've seen it happening before"
"What do you mean? When did you see it happening before?"
"I…"
"Jackie, please" I say, silently reminding her of our pact, before we got back together we agreed we would never lie to each other again, no matter what.
"Fine" She says "I didn't actually see it happening because I wasn't even born, but daddy told me a bunch of times and…"
"Told you what, Jackie?"
"Remember when I said that daddy had a brother?" She says, and I nod "Well, he died a few weeks before I was born, he was 3 years older than my dad, and my dad really liked him, until he went to war"
"What war?" I ask
"He was recruited to fight in World War II as soon as he turned 18, couldn't say no…" Jackie replies, her voice hoarse from the effort of holding more tears in. I sigh and I wrap my free arm around her "Anyways, he spent two years in Hawaii, fighting against Japan or something like that. Daddy said that when the war was over, his brother was sent home, and everything seemed fine for a while. Until he started waking up screaming in the middle of the night every night"
"Nightmares?"
"Yes. My grandparents forcefully admitted him to one of those psychiatric hospitals after he accidentally broke my grandpa's nose when he was trying to wake him up" She continues "Daddy said his brother was never the same after that. They messed him up even more, gave him drugs, and shocked him until he could barely remember his own name"
So all the stuff I've read actually happened, with real people, with Jackie's uncle… fuck. There's no way in hell Jackie's going to one of those places.
"He never left the hospital" She says sadly "Once he was admitted he only got worse and worse… He killed himself in that hospital, jumped down a window… Daddy said his parents never really forgave themselves for sending him there"
"Fuck…" I mutter "But… Jackie, I don't think the therapist is sending you to one of these places, things are different now, we have more knowledge…"
"I don't care, okay?" She says "I know I'm not okay, but I'm not taking that risk! I don't want to become a drooling idiot!"
"You're not" I argue "I swear Jackie, I would never let anyone take you away from me"
"I know pudding" She says, gently kissing my shoulder "But I'm scared, okay? Maybe the therapist can declare me insane and force me to go to one of these places anyways, I…"
"Listen to me Jackie" I say seriously, looking her in the eye and stopping the car as we reach a red light "I will not let anyone take you away from me, I promise you you're not going to a mental hospital, but you do need help, and I think that maybe if you talk with a therapist…"
"Steven, please" She begs me with tears in her eyes "I don't want to talk about that now, okay?"
I sigh, forcing her to talk will only end up pushing her away, so I back off.
"Fine" I say, and she relaxes on my shoulder again, I kiss the top of her head gently, taking a deep breath and getting high on the smell of her strawberry shampoo. I could stay like this all day.
Then the traffic light went green and I entered the restaurant's drive thru. Jackie seemed pretty disturbed when she talked about her uncle so I'm giving her a break for now.
For now. Because we still have a lot more to talk about.
She's so fucking beautiful, man. And she doesn't even know it. She used to, but she doesn't anymore.
She's wearing her pink flannel pj set, her hair is damp from the shower she took when we arrived home, and she's just finishing the rest of her fries.
We're sitting together on the living room couch. Forman dragged Donna to watch the rerun of The Muppet Movie - he was in Africa when it was first released and the rumor is that they play preview of the new Star Wars movie - so Jackie and I are alone.
We're watching "Love at the First Bite" on the television, and every now and then Jackie chuckles at one of the jokes and cuddles closer to me.
I stopped paying attention to the movie a long time ago, and I started to focus on her. How she absentmindedly takes my hand in hers and starts playing with my fingers when she's too focused on the movie, how good she smells, how amazing it is to have her pressed up against my chest and how beautiful she looks without any makeup on.
Her eyes are still a little bit swollen from all the crying, she looks skinnier than normal, and her famous Jackie sparkle is still gone.
But she's with me, laughing, eating, breathing. In moments like these I can pretend things are fine, that she's not living her worst nightmare and that I'm not worried sick about her.
"You are the most gorgeous woman I know" I whisper in her ear and I press a gentle kiss on her neck, I smirk when I see goosebumps forming on her skin.
"Steven…"
"You are so beautiful" I say, continuously kissing her neck "I love you so much"
"I love you too, baby" She replies, leaning further into me as I move my kisses upwards, I start to kiss her jaw, then her cheeks, and now her earlobe.
She puts the rest of her food and her soda on the center table and turns to face me, claiming my lips with hers.
She starts to rub her thumbs through my sideburns and I groan into her mouth, because man, I love when she does that. I love her, and I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore.
I gently lowered her into the couch, tasting her sweet and soft lips, just like we used to do on the basement couch back when we still lived in Point Place.
I know this isn't going to lead anywhere, we're not having sex anytime soon, not with her like this, but damn, I could kiss her all day without a problem.
Her fingers moved from my sideburns to the back of my neck, and as she buried them in my hair, she opened her mouth. I deepen the kiss with no hesitation, running my tongue through hers, cradling the side of her face with my free hand, feeling the movements from her jaw as she kisses me back.
"I really missed you yesterday" I say after we break our kiss "Had a lot of trouble falling asleep without my chick"
"Don't even tell me about it…" She says in a sad tone, and I kiss her forehead before sitting back on the couch. She rests her head on my lap and I start to run my fingers through her hair.
"About that… Jackie" I look at her, and I can already feel her tensing up again "Baby you need to tell me what happened last night"
Her eyes fill with tears, and I continue to stroke her hair while she gathers the courage to tell me.
"I knew it was a matter of time until you brought that up" She whispers dejectedly
"I need to know, Jackie" I say, looking her in the eye "Please tell me"
"I had a nightmare" She says
"Can you tell me what the nightmare was about?" I ask warily, and she takes a deep breath
"My dad" She answers me, the tears start falling from her eyes now "I don't remember the whole thing, just… It was the same nightmare I had that day"
I sigh and pull her into a tight hug. She sits on my lap and buries her head on my shoulder, letting all the tears out while I rub her back in an attempt to comfort her. I was with her the last time she had a nightmare, it was on the same day she spoke with that lawyer, who told her the details about her dad's assassination. She dreamt about her dad being covered in blood and dying alone, it took me a really long time to get her to calm down that day.
"And what happened after you woke up, Jackie?"
"I woke up sweating, feeling sick to my stomach, and… and I could barely breathe, my heart was beating so fast…" She says, crying. I try to wipe the tears off her eyes but they won't stop coming. "I don't know how I managed to get out of bed and go to the bathroom by myself, I really don't know. Then I started throwing up and Donna showed up"
"And then what, baby?" I ask, cupping her face on my hands
"Steven, I thought I was dying…" She says between sobs "And all I could think about was you, and how I didn't want to die without telling you how much I love you…"
I close my eyes and I tighten my grip on her, fuck, this is so hard for me to hear.
"Donna dragged me to her room and Eric calmed me down and gave me the pills that made me fall asleep" She finishes, and I nod, bringing her closer to me again so she could sob on my chest.
This is all my fault, I shouldn't have left, I should've been here for her.
There's no way in hell I'm letting her out of my sight again.
Her boss gave her three months off work. That's three months for me to convince Jackie to go to therapy. Hopefully, things will work out in the end, they have to.
A/N: Okay so I legitimately kind of hate this chapter, there's not a lot of things going on in here but it's an insight on Hyde's mind and that's very important.
Next chapter will be up next week and it'll take place a month after this one.
That's pretty much it. Thanks for reading, and I would really appreciate it if you left a review telling me what you're thinking about this story so far!
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