Chapter 28: 100

Emily made her way down the front steps of Hotch's building, her steps slowing as she glanced back for a moment, before she continued to the footpath. She shoved her hands into her pockets, and sighed, letting the cool night air lap against her skin while she started her walk home. Her mind reviewed the events of the day, as she sidestepped an open man-hole on the sidewalk.

After the ME had taken Haley away, Hotch had tried to avoid the paramedics, but it had been Emily who had finally convinced him to get checked out. His body had been through so much, and it would work against him when the review board met if he refused medical attention. It was a recklessness he couldn't afford. She had negotiated on behalf of Hotch with the paramedics, to allow him to take Jack with him in the ambulance, and she followed close behind in the car Hotch had driven to the house.

When they arrived at the ER, she had spoken with the head of the department to explain what had happened. Charlotte was a friend of Emily's and she had agreed to let Emily and Jack accompany Hotch for his scans. They waited behind the glass the whole time, but at least Jack didn't need to lose sight of his dad. And Hotch didn't need to lose sight of Jack. It was small, but it was the only thing she could think to do to help them both. She held the little boy on her hip and he rested his head on her shoulder, and together they watched as Hotch went in and out of machines.

Jack barely said a word the entire time, only asking at one point if he could go to the bathroom. Emily had asked the medical staff to explain this to Hotch, and he had nodded slightly from the x-ray table, watching as Emily carried Jack out of the observation room. He was quiet the whole time, only smiling a little when he accidentally splashed water onto Emily's shirt while she helped him wash his hands. Even that little moment gave Emily hope that he would be alright. When they returned from the bathroom, they found Hotch sitting in the wheelchair again, waiting to be taken in for a CT scan, and Jack wriggled out of Emily's arms to sit with his father. Aside from the moments where they had to be apart, the two Hotchner boys had been attached at the hip since they'd left the house.

It had taken a couple of hours, but Hotch was eventually given the all-clear. Charlotte had given him some prescription pain medications, but he was intent on not taking anything. While his entire body ached, he had to be alert. Jack only had one parent now.

After he was discharged, Hotch and Jack had waited while Emily had gone to collect the car from the parking garage, and on the drive to the pick-up bay, Emily had prepared herself for a fight with Hotch, who she assumed would insist on going back to the Unit. She was surprised when he didn't even react to her insistence that she drive them home, to his apartment.

For most of the drive, Emily kept her eyes on the road, taking occasional glances to Hotch and Jack in the back seat. If the setting hadn't been so traumatic, the sight of them, huddled together and neither wanting to let go of the other for the duration of the drive, would have been sweet. The drive itself was only about ten minutes, so though Jack had just started to drift off to sleep when they pulled up into the driveway of the complex, he was awake enough for the walk up. Even still, Hotch insisted on carrying him, wanting to keep his boy close.

Emily didn't want to intrude, but she also wanted to make sure they got inside ok. She just walked them to the front door, waiting until Hotch unlocked the apartment and pushed the door open. Holding Jack against his chest, he turned back to Emily and furrowed his brow as he held out the keys to the car.

Emily shook her head and bit her lip, throwing her thumb over her shoulder, "I'll walk home… you'll need that car tomorrow."

Hotch frowned and shook his head, "No… take the car. I can get a ride in."

"You're not going into work tomorrow," Emily said sternly, but keeping her volume at an appropriate level, "Jack needs you," she stressed, reaching out to run her hand down the little boy's back.

"Strauss will be expecting…" Hotch started, but he was interrupted by Emily, who rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Strauss can keep waiting," Emily said softly, "You take all the time you need… the team will be here when you're ready." She reached up to run a gentle hand over Jack's hair and squeezed Hotch's hand with the other, "Get some sleep."

Hotch couldn't bring himself to smile, but he also couldn't let Emily leave without knowing how much he appreciated her. He squeezed her hand and nodded, "You too, Emily… and…" he paused, unable to come up with anything more to say to express his gratitude, "Thank you."

Emily smiled sadly and nodded, turning reluctantly to walk away.

Hotch stood in place, hugging Jack to his chest and watching Emily leave. A part of him wanted her to stay… more than he cared to admit… but he knew she was exhausted. And beyond that, another part of him felt guilty about the way he had spent these months.

While Haley and Jack had been on the run for their lives, he had been enjoying movie nights and dinners with Emily. While they'd been playing mini golf, Haley and Jack had been hiding. While they got drunk on scotch, Haley and Jack were living with the sober reality of witness protection. He felt like it was an insult to Haley to invite Emily in tonight, even though it was all that he wanted. His interactions with Emily had been innocent to any onlookers, and only he knew that his thoughts on the matter were anything but innocent. Regardless, the fact that he had thought about what a life with Emily might be like, was enough to turn her away tonight.

Beyond the guilt, Hotch knew that he would be consumed now with caring for his son. Making sure that Jack knew that his only living parent would do everything he could to keep him safe. Hotch needed to focus all of his attention on keeping the promises he'd made Haley before she was killed. And he couldn't yet reconcile those promises with letting Emily in. Until he could, he needed to maintain a distance with her.

As Hotch thought on that, he ran his hand down Jack's back and turned to walk into the apartment, closing the door and locking it behind him. He made his way down to Jack's bedroom, grateful that he had only just cleaned everything again the day before. He knelt beside the bed and pulled back the covers, laying Jack down gently and covering him up with the blankets. Hotch placed a gentle kiss on his son's forehead, before he stood up from the carpet and quietly made his way out of the room.

As he closed the door, leaving it slightly ajar, Hotch let out a sigh. His son was home. His son was safe.

Hotch made his way down the hall, stopping at the drink cart in the corner where he poured himself a glass of scotch. As he took the first sip, Hotch realised.

His son was home… but his wife was gone.

Emily sat on the bottom step of the staircase, sipping on her glass of scotch and trying not to think too much.

It had only taken her about ten minutes to get home after dropping Hotch and Jack at the apartment. The walk was pleasant, cool enough to be comfortable, and it had given her enough time to run the events of the day through her mind.

And now she was just trying not to think of anything at all. Her fear was, if she thought too much, she would end up walking back to Hotch's apartment and trying to get him to talk to her. But she knew he needed space.

He needed time with Jack. He needed time to grieve.

Emily sighed and leant her elbows against the stairs behind her, resting the glass next to her.

The only thing she wanted right now was to know how to help, but she couldn't think of what she could do. There was a delicate balance between helping and harassing.

Emily looked out over the view of the city and realised there was one thing she could do… she could have a shower and she could get a decent night sleep. And then tomorrow, she could figure out what to do next.

As Emily stood, there was a knock at the door.

She frowned and started down the hall, and there was another knock.

"Coming," she called out, leaning down to check the peep-hole. As she opened the apartment door, she bit her lip.

"Dave," Emily said softly, standing back from the door and gesturing inside, "Come on in."

Rossi stepped inside the apartment and stood to the side while Emily closed and locked the door. She gestured towards the living room and they headed down the hall together. Emily stopped at the drink cart and held up a glass, and Rossi nodded. Emily poured a generous drink for Rossi, and topped up her own glass, before she joined him on the couch.

Rossi took a sip of his drink and sat back in his seat, "How you holdin up, kiddo?"

Emily huffed and shrugged, "I'm worried."

Rossi raised his eyebrows and nodded, "You and me both…" he paused and studied Emily's face, noting the pale tone and red eyes, "How were they when you dropped them home?"

"Quiet," Emily replied succinctly. She honestly had nothing more to add. Her interactions with Hotch had been brief. Aside from a few necessary words, both of the Hotchner boys had been silent for the rest of the afternoon. It wasn't a surprising reaction to the circumstances, but it had concerned Emily to no end.

"Did Hotch talk to you at all?" Rossi asked, feeling like getting information from Emily, in this state, was like getting blood from a stone. He was trying everything he knew to probe, but she wasn't giving him much at all.

Emily shook her head, "Jack and I were with him when he was getting his tests done, but he didn't want to talk then," she explained, "And when we got to Hotch's apartment, I figured he would just want to try and get some sleep."

Rossi sighed and nodded, "He's going to need us now, more than ever," he said softly, "Both of them will."

"I don't even know how," Emily replied, her voice cracking as she spoke, "He's in so much pain."

"Of course he is, Emily," Rossi urged, "But he needs you… you are the only person Hotch has talked to through all of this… the rest of us will be here to help out, where we can, but you might be the only person to get them through all of this in one piece."

A tear escaped Emily's eye and dropped down her cheek, and she reached up to wipe it away, "I want to help… I just don't know if he wants my help."

"Of course he does, Emily," Rossi replied, "He's just Hotch. But you know better than anyone how to get through to him."

Emily nodded and reached over to grab a tissue. After she wiped her nose, she looked up at Rossi and smiled sadly, "I think I know what to do."

Rossi returned Emily's smile with one of his own and reached over to squeeze her hand, "Glad to hear it, kiddo…" he paused and tipped his head, "… let me know if there's any way I can help."

Hotch looked over at Jack, playing at the coffee table with his GI Joes, while he read through the draft of his report. He knew he should be spending time with Jack, but his compulsion to complete the paperwork was strong. He knew there would be a review of the case, considering the outcome and his personal involvement, so he wanted to make sure that the paperwork side of things was done. He just needed to finish the draft before he sent it off to Morgan, and then he could focus on Jack. They would play and eat mac and cheese, and maybe go for a walk to the park. As much as Hotch wanted to grieve, he also had to be a parent. He couldn't fall apart.

Hotch had spent the past two nights trying to come to terms with the way things had gone down. He had known that Foyet would try to create as much destruction as possible before he was taken down, but Hotch couldn't have predicted the outcome. And now he had to raise his son alone. He wanted to keep his promises to Haley, to show Jack what real love was, to tell him about Haley every single day, to make sure Jack remembered his mother.

As much as Hotch had tried to keep his mind on Jack, and remembering Haley, he couldn't help those occasions when his mind drifted to Emily. He was now resolute, that he couldn't let Emily into his life in the way that he wanted, but he did want her in his life in some way. Hotch had decided that keeping Emily in his life was important, but that he couldn't let that be anything more than friends. He loved her... that would never change... but he couldn't allow himself to be in love with her. It was too painful to imagine losing her in the same way that he lost Haley. So friendship was all he could offer.

Hotch's thoughts were interrupted at a knock at the door, and he and Jack both looked up. Hotch stood from the table and smiled softly at Jack, shaking his head at his son's worried face.

"Don't worry buddy," Hotch assured him, ruffling his hand through Jack's hair on his way past.

Hotch stooped to check the peephole and stood back to open the door, his heart beating fast in his chest at the sight of her.

"Hi," Hotch said softly, standing back to let Emily through the door, and wondering if he'd just manifested her. He'd been thinking about her, wanting to see her, and now, here she was.

Emily smiled in reply and made her way into the apartment, a tray of coffee and two casserole dishes in her hands. She walked straight into the kitchen, placing the dishes on the empty counter and moving the tray of coffee from the top. The dishes went straight into the fridge, and when she turned around, she handed a coffee to Hotch.

"The small cup has hot chocolate, if Jack's allowed some," she whispered to him, nodding towards the lounge room.

Hotch nodded and smiled softly, reaching out to squeeze Emily's arm before he turned around.

"Jack, buddy," Hotch called out, Jack looking up to smile at his dad, "Emily brought you some hot chocolate."

Jack came running over and wrapped his arms around Emily's leg, and she stooped down to pick him up. Emily rested Jack on her hip and he cuddled into her chest, holding her tight. Emily ran her hand down Jack's shirt and smiled into his hair. When he sat up on her hip, Emily handed him the small cup of hot chocolate, which he took with both hands.

"Thank you," he said softly.

Emily smiled and nodded, "You're welcome," she replied, before placing him back on the floor.

Jack ambled back to the coffee table carrying his drink with both hands, and went back to playing with his toys.

Emily turned to Hotch and studied his face, her own concern growing at the healing cuts and bruises that only served as reminders for what had happened.

He looked tired... his eyes dark and his skin pallid. Not that she could blame him, in fact, she'd be surprised if he slept well ever again. After all of the carnage that Foyet had reaped on his way out, Emily wondered if any of them would sleep again.

Hotch tipped his head towards the dining table, uncomfortable with the way she was studying his face, and as he started moving, Emily followed. She sat across from him and tapped her hand on the table. Then she eyed his computer and frowned, pointing to the screen.

"Is that helping?" she asked, not wanting to push him away, but still concerned about Hotch pushing himself too hard.

Hotch shrugged, "A little… it helped to get the words out…" his voice trailed off and he took a sip of his coffee. He sat back in the seat and looked in the direction of the lounge room. He watched while Jack shared his hot chocolate with GI Joe, and it made Hotch's heart warm.

"He seems to be doing ok," Emily remarked, "Have you guys been sleeping?"

Hotch nodded, "Jack has," he replied.

"And you?" Emily asked, tipping her head to the side.

Hotch ignored her question, simply shaking his head and taking another sip of his coffee. The last couple of nights, any time he'd closed his eyes, he saw Haley's face. He saw Foyet shoot her. He saw Foyet kill him. He saw Foyet torture Jack. It was horrifying. So he stayed awake, keeping watch over his sleeping son.

Emily reached out a hand to take Hotch's, but withdrew it straight away. She wasn't sure what the rules were anymore. Was she allowed to touch him? Was she allowed to comfort him? All of these steps they had taken over the last few years, and now she was questioning every one of them. It was promising that Hotch had let her into the apartment, but how far would he let her go? How much would she let him help?

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, shaking her head and resting her hand on the table, "I don't…"

Hotch bit his lip and nodded, reaching out to take Emily's hand in his, "I know, Emily."

"What can I do to help?" Emily asked, wishing she could take Hotch's pain away, "I'd do anything… you know that, right?"

Hotch nodded again, squeezing Emily's fingers in his, "You're doing it."