Just another note - if you missed out on chapter 21b because im a dickhead and forgot to add it, please go back and have a read before you read this one. Thanks for all the lovely feedback on this story too! Big thanks to Lise for the ideas :D :D :D if anyone else has any fun ideas, let me know. I love reading everyones reviews, always inspiration to keep on writing!

Enjoy this chapter, it was a hard one to write. I just want Olivia to be very very happy!

Also, should Elliot be given a chance to be heard out?

"Are we so boring that we should get back and change in to comfortable clothes and hang out in the lounge and watch a movie?" Trevor asked, amused.

Olivia laughed, holding on to his arm. "Maybe I'm just lazy, but there is nothing on earth that sounds better than just hanging out with you in asomething more comfortable."

"What about pant-off Friday night? How does that sound?"

Olivia smirked, "Sounds do-able…" she replied with a shrug. Trevor reached across his body and took her hand that held the bend of his elbow.

They enjoyed their walk in the crisp, night air, taking it slow, Trevor remembering Olivia's heels. "I'm glad we were able to organize a night together, I have been looking forward to spending time with you all week."

"Me too, honestly. It was nice to spend time with Noah, we had a great time but sometimes it is honestly nice to have another adult to talk to," she smiled.

They neared his town house.

Trevor gave her hand a squeeze. "I know, Eloise had me up at 4:30 every morning and cried most nights for her Mom which absolutely kills me…" he sighed, "so a hundred cups of water later and then the crying, it takes me forever to get her back to sleep."

"Its awful isn't it?" she asked, "when they're crying and crying and nothing you can do will calm them."

"Yeah," he said, "it happens far too often, it's gut-wrenching. She just doesn't find the same comfort in me that she does in Helena and I hate it it," he admitted.

Olivia understood. "But when she gets a little bit older and she understands the arrangements a little better, she won't mind. She will love coming to spend time with her Daddy who loves her just so much."

Trevor smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. "Thanks, I hope you're right. I just… don't want her to grow up thinking that I walked out on them…"

"Helena wouldn't tell her that, would she? She wouldn't bad mouth you to your daughter?" Olivia was suspicious of the relationship with his ex – she wasn't concerned about Trevor, but she worried that his kindness and generosity were being taken advantage of.

"I don't think so…" his voice trailed off, "I'd like to have faith that she wouldn't and considering if we were being real about it, she did choose to leave me. If I had my way, we wouldn't have divorced, we would have tried harder to figure it out," he was aware that his words may have been uncomfortable to hear for Olivia, but he was all about honesty and the follow up would comfort her.

"Oh…" he felt her let go of his hand but he took it and clutched it again.

"Let me finish that, because I know how that sounds," he smiled at her. "I was brought up in a home that regarded marriage as everything. You don't leave your family, you don't betray your family, you don't leave a spouse, you don't walk out –" he explained, "and that was engrained in to me, no matter what, you be there and it doesn't matter how awful or violent or how toxic it can grow to be."

He let the silence fall comfortably between them for a moment as they continued to walk. "I think I told you before that I didn't realize how bad things were until she left me and my rose-colored glasses came off….. it was freeing and quite frankly, Liv, a relief."

"In the way that you asked me about Elliot, would you ever go back there? If she told you she wanted you back?"

He smiled, "No, not a chance. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I was really just in that marriage with blinders on because of how much I didn't want to disappoint my mother or my sister, but," he smiled, "they were more relieved than I was."

Olivia laughed as they came to the front stoop of his apartment.

He let them in and Trevor grabbed Olivia's overnight bag for her and together they went upstairs. "Okay," he told her, "let's assume pants-less Friday and go hang out in the living room…" he directed her, "I'll make us some drinks."

Olivia was always in awe of his bedroom. He didn't seem to bat an eyelid to the smoothness of it all. He was already shedding his clothes. He carefully hung up his jacket and pants and looked around for a t-shirt as she slowly rifled through her bag.

"Shit…" she cursed.

"What?" he asked, turning around, from where he was hanging his jacket up.

"I left my pajamas at home, I was in a hurry when I packed…" she sighed.

"No problem…" he smiled. "You can sit downstairs in your bra and underwear," he winked, "I don't have an issue with that."

She cocked her head at him with a smile. "Trevor-"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," he grinned. He was about to pull on a white v-neck shirt that he'd plucked out from beneath his pillow. "I'll get you a t-shirt…"

"Have you slept in that one?" she asked him, nodding toward the one he was about to wear.

"Uh… yeah?"

She came to his side and took it from his hands. "That will do, I'll put that on, you have a nice smell," she told him, allowing him to press his lips against hers.

"I don't know about that, you should smell it first…" he suggested. She brought it to her nose and smelled it. It smelled sexy and masculine just like his cologne.

"It's fine," she replied.

She moved away, afraid that if she stayed within a close proximity while he stood before her shirtless in his trunks that she wouldn't be able to keep her hands off him.

She interiorly cursed again as she felt his presence right behind her, his body so close. "Here…" he spoke softly and she felt his hands at the zip of her dress. He slowly undid it. She let her eyes fall shut and again, all she could think about was his hands over her; not necessarily sexual, but it was something so wonderful about him being all so tactile and affectionate.

"Thanks," she murmured.

She knew he would be able to see the goose bumps on her skin as the zipper opened her dress all the way to her waist. He pushed it off her shoulders and eased it over her hips. She felt his fingertips tracing the lace of her bra strap.

"Stop, you're giving me goose bumps," she chuckled, raising her arm to show him.

He laughed too, kissing her shoulder. "I can stop if you like…" he replied.

"No, its okay," she replied, "it feels nice…"

"Is this coming off or are you keeping it on?" he asked, referring to her bra.

"I'm not gonna lie to you Trevor," she began, "the second I walk through the door at home, it gets ripped out from beneath my shirt," she laughed.

He laughed too. "Well, I want you to be comfortable… so…" she felt him slowly undoing the clip, allowing her the time to protest. She felt the relief of having her chest free of the constraints. He reached up to her shoulders and pushed the straps off, reaching around to the front of her to pull it away from her skin. He carefully folded it over and tossed it the short distance to the bed. He pushed her hair from her neck and planted a kiss on her nape, knowing that his soft, grazing touch was driving her a little crazy.

He felt Olivia reach for both of his hands and guide them to her chest. "Are you trying to kill me?" he asked, pretending to be shocked. "Baby, you know I'm a boobs guy, right?"

Olivia laughed, sinking her body back against him. "I thought you were an ass guy."

"I am that too," he laughed, "I think, to be honest, I'm just an Olivia Benson guy…." He sighed contentedly, holding her in his arms, smoothing his thumb over the soft skin of her breasts.

He let go and wrapped his arms around her, holding her. He kissed her temple, enjoying their skin-to-skin intimacy. "I hope that you didn't read too much in to what I said earlier about staying in that marriage, I would never go back and I am very happy with you – I just regret that for Eloise's sake, it didn't work out."

"I know, it's fine, Trevor, I get it…you just want to make sure your kids are happy regardless of the personal cost to you as a parent."

"Yep," he agreed. He gave her a little squeeze. "Okay, you put a shirt on, or don't…. really, I'm cool with whatever you choose," he chuckled, "I'm gonna go downstairs and get us some drinks. Wine or spirit?" he asked.

"Spirit," she smiled, thinking of how good a whisky would be.

"Ooh, it's a bit chilly down here…" Olivia remarked, joining him in the living room. The wall-mounted TV was huge and the basketball was on. She glanced at the Knicks game playing and rolled her eyes with a smile. "I knew you were too good to be true…"

He laughed, "What?"

"ESPN? Really? I thought you were way too classy of a guy to give a shit about the Knicks…" she joked.

"I hope you are kidding with that blasphemy. You will root for the Knicks or else you can just give me my shirt back and see yourself out," he teased.

She rose an eyebrow at Trevor who realized quickly his joke wasn't well-received. "I'm kidding," he told her gently, "come on, get over here…" he reached behind him to grab the throw blanket and pulled it down, heeding her remarks about being cold.

She took a seat beside him on the chaise, cuddling in close, allowing him to spread the blanket over their legs. He passed her the remote. "You can change the channel to whatever you like…"

"Are you sure? Wouldn't want you to miss the Knicks losing as usual…" she teased.

Trevor laughed, "you're cold…"

She laughed too. "I don't actually mind; you can watch the game… I'm just messing with you," she relented.

"No, I was just checking the score, I don't really follow it like I used to because you're not wrong about them losing all the time," he added. She didn't know what to choose so she handed it back to him. "I don't care what we watch, I'm happy just to be next to you…"

"Okay," he replied and turned the TV off. "Let's just spend some time together…" he reached over to the small circular table beside the corner of the couch that he sat in. He reached for the glass of clear liquid and handed it to her.

She assumed it was gin, a single slice of lemon and a couple of cubes of ice. He had the same. He took a big drink and set it back down.

"Can we talk more about what you were saying before about everything with Helena and being in that toxic relationship?" she asked gingerly, wondering how much he would say before the walls went up.

"Okay," he agreed. "What did you want to know?"

"You mentioned once to me that you're still funding Helena's lifestyle – is that still happening?"

He winced and nodded. "Yeah… does that bother you?"

"Mmm…" she thought for a moment, nursing her drink. "it doesn't bother me in that its your money and your choice, but I wonder if you're being taken advantage of – that would bother me."

"I was actually really bothered to find out that her fiancé owns a house in The Hamptons and then she gave my sister an address to drop Eloise off at last week and I assume it's her fiance's house… and it all points to him being filthy rich according to my sister."

"My question is, if she's engaged, shouldn't her new man be taking care of her?"

"Yeah…" he nodded, "But Eloise is my kid and I don't want anyone else providing for her."

"Do you have legal custody arrangement?" Olivia asked him curiously. She paused, "you can tell me to mind my business at any time, by the way."

He gave a little sigh, "No, I just didn't want it to get messy."

"Which is understood and respectable, but you're a lawyer Trevor, you know how these things go. And maybe if you are concerned about Eloise not being as comfortable with you because she's not here enough, you should push to have her more – it's your right, you know. She's your baby."

He nodded. "We've talked about it but…. She can be flaky and she changes her mind a lot."

"My heart, you need to absolutely do what's right in your heart, I don't ever want to get in the way of you guys being amicable but she did make the choice to leave you, none of that is your fault, you need to look after yourself as well."

"She's actually gone a little crazy with the spending lately…" he sighed, hating to admit it, but he knew he could tell Olivia without judgment.

Olivia tried very hard not to make a disgusted face. "Like… how much?"

"Shopping spree, there was a Chanel bill that made my gut clench," he chuckled despite his irritation at the thought. "It was around 20k… which I know from Chanel is kind of not that expensive, but still."

Olivia was gob-smacked. "Trevor, that is not okay," she shook her head, "you can't let her spend that kind of money on herself. That's insane!" she exclaimed.

"I know but I'm scared of making things bad…" he admitted.

"Honey," she said seriously, "she needs you to look after your child and that's it. Get yourself a Nanny and have your daughter here more, make it joint 50/50 if that's what you want."

He picked up his drink and took another long drink of it.

"I need to man-up, don't I?" Trevor asked with a wry smile.

"No, my heart, I am not saying that, I just think spending 20k at Chanel to pamper herself is really something else," she smiled at him.

"Thanks for being honest with me," he said sincerely, "My sister rants about Helena all the time, but I know she's just protective and she hasn't forgiven her for leaving me."

Olivia smiled. She was glad he took it well, she was nervous about how her opinion might bother him. She closed her mouth over the glass and took a big mouthful and just as she swallowed, she realized.

The smell, the taste, the instantaneous panic hit all of her senses one by one and then suddenly all at once. She shoved her glass at Trevor and began to gag.

"Liv, what's wrong?" he asked, jumping up as she sprinted for the bathroom a short distance down the hall.

Trevor whipped the blanket off and put the glass down and went after her, confused. She hadn't had the chance to close the door, it had swung ajar. He slowly pushed it open and saw heard her choking and vomiting and making a noise that didn't entirely sound human.

He was stunned, he had no idea what had happened or why she had made a dash for the bathroom. He figured out quickly that she was hyperventilating.

"Liv…" he quickly went to grab her hair to pull it out of the way as he turned his head slightly, not needing to see the entire contents of her stomach being unloaded in to the porcelain bowl.

She flinched away from his touch, cowering away from the toilet bowl, vomit spilling all over the seat and on to the floor as she tried to get away from him. He jumped back several steps.

The realization hit him that something had caused her a flashback. Unsure of what to do, he gave her some space, "Olivia, I'm just here for you when you're ready…" he told her calmly.

She continued to vomit while begging him to stay away, "Don't," she called, "stop it, please don't… don't touch me…"

Gasping for air, Olivia slumped to the floor and covered her hands over her ears as if she could hear something that he couldn't. Her breath came in short bursts as if she couldn't get any oxygen.

Trevor picked up on it. "Olivia," he began gently, "I think you're having a flash back… take long, deep breaths," he coached her.

"Stop," she whispered, "please, please just stop…"

His heart was breaking, trying to figure out if she was talking to him directly or if she was stuck in her head, reliving something.

The tightness she felt was overtaking her and was all-consuming. The burn of the vodka still stung her throat as if he had just poured it down without giving her a choice. As much as she tried, her lungs felt void of air and her throat was rendered useless at catching the air she needed to fill them.

Her mouth and lips burned with the residue liquid that had coated and she was barely able to hear the soft, soothing voice behind her.

Her heart was hammering in her chest. She saw him in bursts. His eyes staring in to hers, grabbing her cheeks roughly between his fingers, squeezing them and ripping the tape from her mouth, forcing her to chug down the liquid unsure if whether or not this time it would be water or if it was going to be more straight vodka.

"Stop," she begged tearfully. She knew it wasn't real, but she couldn't shake the visceral reaction. She couldn't unhear the sounds of his panting by her ear, the hands touching her, his fly unzipping; the threats, the patronizing way he spoke, the tone of his voice—"

"Olivia," Trevor's voice cut through it a little louder, firmer somehow, "Olivia, I think you're having a flash back," the tender voice interjected softly. "Some deep breaths, Olivia, it's okay… I'm right here behind you, it's not real, I promise."

She followed his voice, bringing her back out of what felt like an alternate reality – the living nightmare that she didn't necessarily have to fall asleep to endure.

"I just want it to stop," she blurted out, feeling everything around her again. The smell of vomit, hitting her first. She dared herself to blink, trying not to feel disoriented.

"Olivia, you're in my bathroom," he informed her, "You came in here from the living room, something triggered you."

Her voice was a whisper now until it faded to silence, begging him, the situation, everything to just slow.

She fanned her face with her hands, suddenly feeling so hot that it was making her dizzy. She did as Trevor said and tried to take some long, deep breaths to slow her heart rate.

"Liv, I'm just going to get you a wash cloth, okay?" he remembered it seemed to work back at her apartment.

She nodded slowly. As soon as he left she felt the tears falling down her face in fat droplets. She didn't bother trying to wipe them away, he'd seen the worst of her now, there was no hiding it anymore. She was mortified by the vomit that was strewn from the toilet to the floor and all over his shirt.

And she was tired too.

So fucking tired of trying to hold it all inside, feeling it pushing at the seams always threatening to burst open, bleeding out for everyone to see.

But maybe it was okay if only one person saw, perhaps then it wouldn't feel so stifling and suffocating to hold inside.

She wanted to scream and cry and would have done anything for any one to be able to understand what was going through in her mind; to have been with her when it happened, to have held her hand and assured her she would get out alive.

Still, she would have never wished what she endured on anyone else.

Trevor was back only a short minute later with two cloths and a fresh t-shirt. He damped one in the sink and handed it to her to wipe her face. Immediately she felt better once she knew she no longer had the remnants of her stomach caked around her mouth.

"Here," he said softly, his voice was calm and even. "Put this on…" she was grateful that he turned his back, giving her privacy while she switched shirts.

"Thanks…" she whispered hoarsely.

He turned back around and held his hand out, "you can pass it to me, I'll rinse it."

Olivia shook her head, "I'll do it, this is … not… for you."

"Olivia, stop it, give me the shirt, it's just vomit, I'll survive," he replied. He was being kind but he left her no room for negotiation. He wanted to be practical since she was still trembling violently on the floor, unable to move, still coming out of what could have only described as PTSD event.

She handed the shirt over. She watched him standing over the sink, the water gushing from the faucet. He tried very hard not to make a face or look at the vomit. He didn't have a weak stomach, but it wasn't the activity he had been hoping for.

Still, he didn't begrudge it. He knew the extent of her PTSD was deep after what had happened back at her apartment the week earlier and he was just glad she wasn't enduring it on her own anymore.

Once the shirt had been cleaned he wrung it out and put it over the bath tub. He saw her trying to wipe the vomit from the floor and toilet seat with toilet paper, but her shaking hands barely allowed her the ability make use of her fine motor skills.

"Its okay, baby, leave it… just sit still and concentrate on your breathing." He watched her drop the paper in the bowl and slump back down with resignation.

Trevor crouched down and gingerly touched her forehead, "are you still hot?"

She nodded. He got back up and dampened the second cloth. He eased down on to his backside on the cold tiles . "Can I?" he asked softly, holding it out, motioning to touch her, "or do you want to?"

"You can…" she said, her voice was inaudible, sore, still stinging from the alcohol as though she'd just drank a gallon of it. She felt his hand on hers, gently lifting her arm. He held on to her while he swiped the cloth from the hem of her sleeve all the way down her forearm to her wrist, turning her arm slightly to do it again on her inner arm. He carefully set her hand back down and picked up the other repeating his actions, trying his best like the last time, to alleviate the heat that emanated from her skin with the panic that had taken over.

"Its okay, baby," he murmured, not being able to deal with how violently she had began shivering, a mixture of the cold cloth and her body trying to normalize itself. "You're okay now, you know that right? I am here with you…"

She nodded again. He set her other hand down and reached up to cup her tear-stained cheeks in his hand but she pulled herself back, jerking her face out of his touch.

"Sorry," he held up his hand in surrender, "I'm sorry I-"

"I'm sorry," she apologized too. "I'm sorry I'm so messy…"

"No, don't you apologize for this Olivia…" he stood up, holding the wet cloth in one hand. "Come on, let's get you up off this floor…"

She didn't argue or say a word, she let him pull her up. "I need you to…" her voice was shaky and she was breathless, shivering her way through her words, "I need you to get rid of the v-" he stared for a second and realized that the word she was struggling with was beginning to freak her out all over again.

He tried to figure out what she was trying to say. She covered her eyes with her hands. "Deep breaths Liv," he reminded her.

"The drink…" she words tumbled out of her mouth with a sob, "please get rid of the drinks…"

"Okay, okay…" he nodded. "why don't I go and do that now, you can sit…. Just for a second." He guided her to the edge of the tub.

He handed her the cloth, "here… I will be right back."

"Could you please get me my toothbrush?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Of course…"

Trevor didn't know why or how but the drink had triggered the flashback. It made sense; as soon as the liquid filled her mouth, her eyes had widened in shock and she coughed and choked on it immediately.

He washed both glasses of vodka and soda down the kitchen sink and considered that it may still be on his breath. He went upstairs and did a quick clean and gargled some mouthwash and grabbed her toothbrush from her bag along with some toothpaste.

He joined Olivia back in the bathroom. She had managed to clean up the vomit in the short time that he was gone. "You didn't need to worry about that…" he told her with a sigh.

She was standing before the mirror examining herself, wiping the dark make up stains that had smudged under her eyes. He handed her the tooth paste and tooth brush and waited patiently for her to brush her teeth.

"Liv I'm so sorry," he apologized.

She just held up a hand to halt his words, it was too much to hear him feeling sorry for something that he had no control over.

She put her tooth brush down and picked up the cloth again, she rinsed it and wrung it out and spread it over the basin to dry. She turned around to face him. "Can we go and sit or something?" she asked.

"Of course. I got rid of everything from the living room, do you want to go there or somewhere else?" he asked, unsure if the whole scenario would freak her out again.

"Its okay, we can go back to the couch," she replied stoically.

She was different, he thought, she showed him very little emotion, she didn't want him to touch her and he got the vibe that she really didn't want to talk about it.

She resumed her position on the couch where she'd been sitting earlier, allowing him the spot in the corner. "Do you want me to make you some tea or something?" he wondered.

She shook her head, "not right now… thanks." He drew in a deep breath and let it out silently. He sat down beside her, swatting the blanket that she'd tossed aside to make a run for it.

"Can I give you a hug or… will anything I do help?" they sat side by side, their bare legs touching.

She leaned closer, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching for his hand. "You're already helping," she said quietly in to the silence. She reached up and wiped away some fresh tears that were surfacing. "But I hate that you're seeing me like this."

"It's alright…" he took a chance and turned his head to kiss her temple.

She picked up the remote, surprising him and turned the TV back on. He was a little disappointed that their ability to talk had been replaced with a wall up and she was about to add another distraction in to the mix; the television.

"Do you have the digital radio channels?" she wondered, offering him the remote.

"Sure…" he took it and pressed a few buttons. "What do you want to listen to?" he asked, showing her the radio guide.

"Something calming, classical sometimes helps…"

He smiled to himself. He didn't pick her as the type to chill out to classical music but he was there for it. He handed it back to her so she could skip through which channel to play.

Olivia drew in a deep breath as the music started softly from the TV. He felt her let all of the air out, trying to relax and stop her intermittent trembling that even he could feel against him.

"You can give it some volume…" Trevor told her, taking the remote and turning the volume right up. "Chill out, just center yourself for a few minutes," he commanded gently.

She wriggled a little closer, slipping her arm beneath his, lacing her fingers tightly through his. She brought his arm closer to her chest. It wasn't exactly the most comfortable position, he thought, but he knew it was her way of feeling safe and secure with him and he didn't mind at all.

"Trevor…" she began softly.

"Yes baby?"

She said the words over and over and over in her head and the gratitude she had in her heart for him was overwhelming, the fact that he didn't get weird nor did his eyes glaze over with pity when he looked at her meant everything.

She took her time, getting used to how the words sounded in her mind before she delivered them to her tongue and pushed them out in to the air and gave them volume.

She focused on his thumb stroking the soft spot between her own thumb and forefinger.

"I love you," she said slowly – she hadn't said the words for so long to another man but she knew that she meant them. She wanted to tell him so many other ways, but it felt appropriate and she wanted him to know and didn't want to put it off any longer.

Trevor was stunned. He hadn't expected to hear that come from her mouth, but he felt relief sweep over him quickly as he felt his breath hitch. The mood didn't allow for him to show his joy the way he might have if she hadn't just endured a painful flash back, but still, his heart flip-flopped and he held back a grin.

"I love you too," he replied, trying to make his voice sound even. "And Olivia, I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear you say that…"

She kissed his bare bicep.

"Can I put an arm around you?" he asked.

"Please…" she agreed, letting go of his arm and allowing him to circle it around her, guiding her in to the crook of his shoulder.

He caressed her hair thoughtfully as he just allowed her the time to fully relax again.

He could tell her body temperature was back to normal when he saw goose bumps surfacing again on her arms. He leaned forward and grabbed the blanket, pulling it over their legs.

She picked up the remote and turned the music down so that it was no longer a distraction.

"I just want you to know that I don't have those kind of flash backs all of the time, my shrink says its just my brain and body working together trying to heal…" her voice trailed off. Despite the fact that she wasn't apologizing, Trevor knew that she was trying to find excuses for her behavior as if she had done something wrong.

"Baby, its okay with me if it happens once a week or once a year, I don't care, I'm not walking away," he assured her. He watched her brush some fresh tears away.

"I'm such a fucking mess…" she managed a laugh.

Trevor chuckled too, "I'm a mess too, I just come undone in other ways."

He wrapped both of his arms around her and gave her a little squeeze. "I'd love it if you didn't have to be going through any of this because I hate to see someone I care about go through something painful, but I accept you as you are, Olivia, you need to really just stop apologizing for it all."

"I can't drink Vodka, I can't smell it and I can't be near it – the second I see it, smell it—it just—" she paused and bravely took a breath, "when he had me, he didn't let me have any water… or he'd promise me water and would fill a bottle of vodka and force it down my throat, raw and when you're so dehydrated it makes it even worse…"

Trevor was horrified but knew better than to cut her off when she was in the middle of disclosing details.

She paused, "I'm sorry, is that too much for you? I mean – I don't want to freak you out."

"Don't worry about me, Olivia, I'm fine, I'm listening." They met eyes for a moment before she looked away again.

"I begged and begged for some water and he would allow maybe a mouthful or two but pull it away just as quickly… by the end of it, he'd drugged me and sedated me, poured so much vodka down my throat that I was too scared to close my eyes in case I didn't wake up again…"

She felt his arms tighten around her. She reached up and wiped her tears away. She liked that he didn't speak, he didn't offer apology, the comfort of his arms holding her said enough.

She sniffed, "you're the first person I've ever told that to…"

"I'm honored that you feel comfortable enough to share it with me," he murmured.

"Its not always like this…" she explained, "I think, and this is not to blame you or make you feel any certain way – I think that I'm in a new situation, new feelings, new fears –some of it's been stirred up – not to mention the Sanchez case, it's really just started off some of the nightmares again, just to warn you."

"What do I do, Liv?" he asked, "when you're in that moment – do I back off, do I cuddle you and comfort you or…?"

"I don't know," she replied honestly, "I'm sorry Trev, I've never allowed anyone to see me through it…"

"What about Cassidy or Ed… didn't they witness you? Surely Ed and you were sleeping at each other's places— I mean, not to assume but—"

"I didn't let Cassidy sleep in the same bed as me a lot of the time after him," she admitted, "I know that sounds totally fucked up – but I was trying to protect both of us and the times that he did witness me having nightmares or flash backs, I just begged him to leave me alone… and with Ed," she sighed, "I just got better at hiding it…"

"So neither were dumb enough to give you vodka…" he asked.

Liv turned to him and gave him her best smile. "They read the police reports… I assume, at least… but you, you're different and it wasn't your fault, you didn't know…"

He held her gaze for the moment. "When you're ready Liv, I want you to feel comfortable to talk to me okay? About all of it if you have to, whatever is in you and whatever feels like it's eating away at you, I want you to tell me and share it with me so you can feel lighter, because holding on to things so tightly that it creates a dark space within you can be too much, trust me, I know about it."

"Okay," she whispered, clearing her throat.

"I know its hard, I know its hard to say the words, to get the guts to share those awful things with someone, but its okay. I won't think less of you and I won't run away from you, I just don't want you to do this alone anymore. You have too much light within you for it to get darkened by the sins of someone else."

The look of trouble filled her face, her forehead creased and her eyes focused on his face somewhere else, avoiding his. He knew the idea of sharing what was locked up and hidden away was crossing her mind.

"It doesn't have to be tonight, Liv," he added, "it doesn't even have to be in a month – you might not feel ready for a year or maybe two, but whenever you are, I'm here. I'm not going away. I am in love with you and I don't want you to go anywhere either."

"Thanks," she murmured. "For giving me space, not pushing things, knowing what to do when… I probably don't know either."

"I'll always try my hardest, I promise."

They sat in silence for a few moments before she spoke.

"My heart, do you mind if we go and get in to bed? I feel like I've hit a wall…" she admitted.

"Sure, we can go upstairs and put the TV on up there if you want…" he kissed her forehead. "Would you like anything? Some water? Tea?"

"Some tea, might be good, I know I had the smallest sip of that drink but in my head my throat feels like it's burning."

He waited for her to get up before he did. "Okay," he said, "you go upstairs, I'll bring you some tea."

"Thank you," she smiled, turning to him. She slipped her arms around him and initiated a warm hug. He hugged her back, kissing her lips.

Olivia washed off her make up and brushed her teeth again and got in to bed, waiting for Trevor. It was nice to have a moment to collect herself, to gather her thoughts and her feelings and take a breath but she was just as glad when Trevor returned with a mug of tea for her. He came to her side of the bed and set it down for her.

"Careful, sweetheart, it's hot."

"So are you," she winked at him with a laugh.

He laughed too and leaned over her to kiss her. He got in to bed and plugged his phone in to the charger. He opened up his music app and played something at random.

"Do you find music calming?' he asked. She picked up her tea and folded her legs and turned her whole body to face him. He was so much happier to see her looking more relaxed and a little less burdened.

"Sometimes. I have earphones that I wear some nights when I can't stop my mind from going and I play something so loud that it drowns everything else out," she admitted.

"Mmm good technique," he rose an eyebrow and nodded in approval, "I should try that."

She smiled at him. "Hey…"

"Mmm?" he gave her his full attention.

"I know I kind of blurted it out downstairs but… I really meant it when I told you I loved you."

Trevor grinned at her and reached for her cup. "What?" she asked, handing it over to him. He placed it down on his side of the bed for a moment and grabbed her legs, dragging her closer to him, causing her to laugh.

He was so happy to hear it, her laughter was music to him, he lived it.

"Come here…" he patted the space between his legs and took both of her hands, pulling her in to his lap. She straddled him, curling her legs around him, resting her arms on his thighs. "That's better… now… say that again."

She let out a chuckle, feeling her cheeks redden. "I love you," she told him.

"I didn't hear," he cupped his hand over his ear playfully.

"I love you!" she said louder, finding joy in his silliness, forgetting her panic back downstairs.

"I'm sorry…would you mind repeating that, but in more of a … a shout…" he crossed his arms as if he wasn't at all satisfied.

Olivia laughed. He broke his serious expression and a grin spread across his face.

"I love you!" she shouted loudly in to the townhouse.

They both began to laugh at the stupidity of it all.

"Wow Liv, let's just take it down a notch," he said, "there's no need to yell, I'm right in front of you." She gave him a backhanded slap as they both laughed together.

As soon as it dispersed, he replied seriously, "I happen to love you too, my Olivia, but you're probably tired of me saying it now…"

"Never," she replied, shaking her head taking his face in both of her hands.

"I love when you get this stubble… totally sexy," she informed him, slightly distracted by his incredible features.

"Mmm good to know…" she ran her fingers across the bristles on his cheek. He smiled at her. "It's actually not the first time you've commented that you like it. Want me to keep it?"

"Yeah…" she smiled gazing at him dizzily for all that he was worth to her- for his kindness and his warmth and his patience, "keep it for me…"

He leaned closer and kissed her lingeringly. "Anything for my Olivia," he replied. She kissed him on the side of his mouth and rested her forehead against his for a moment, closing her eyes, her hands still covering his cheeks. She let her lips meet his skin again.

She pulled away slowly. "I'm really glad to have you in my life," she admitted, letting go of his face, creating a little distance.

"Me too," he replied softly.

"Can I ask something?" she wondered, her eyes sweeping over him, taking all of him in.

"You can ask me anything," he smiled.

"How did you know I was having a flash back? Was it that obvious? How did you know I just didn't hate the drink you made me, or that dinner was bad."

He chuckled and took her hands, looking at them for a moment. Her nails were kept at a reasonable length, not long, acrylic, get-nothing-done nails like his ex wife's. Olivia had them painted a simple taupe color. He liked it, she was no-fuss in all aspects of her personality – always practical.

"My father came back from the war with severe PTSD," he explained to Olivia, still looking at her hands, "he would have flash backs pretty often when I was young. His were … violent and extreme and he was incredibly embarrassed about it." He dared to look up at her, "he would be furious if my mother tried to console him and it turned in to aggression which turned in to a functioning alcohol problem and then eventually domestic violence…"

"Oh…"

"We knew to leave him alone. I did a lot of research about it when I was growing up, trying to understand him. In that time, getting help was unheard of – shrinks were not a thing. And he was a proud man."

"Does it bring up bad feelings to see me like that then?" she wondered, not wanting to potentially make him relive something painful from his past.

He thought about it for a moment, wanting to make sure he put his words together properly. "Olivia, you were kidnapped by a predator, I don't know the details of that and I don't know the details of what happened to my father – but I know you'd never choose violence and that if you were inclined to feel violent, you'd seek help before hurting anyone."

She nodded, agreeing.

"So do I feel bad when I witness you in that state?" he asked rhetorically, "yes, absolutely, but its because I love you and I care about you and I want to make it better for you – but you don't dredge up trauma for me, so don't worry about that for a hot second."

"Okay," she accepted his answer. She felt him slide his hands within hers. "Was it hard on your Mom to see someone she loved in pain, but also to have him take it out on her?"

He nodded, "Yeah… it was awful. Our house was full of yelling and screaming and my mother crying – I think she felt if she could just understand what he'd been through then somehow it would make his abuse more acceptable. But, that…" he breathed in deeply, "that makes me just hate him more, for making my sweet mother think that if she had of done something different, she could have prevented the violence he showed her and his kids."

"He turned his fists on you and your sister too?"

"Only once did he lay a hand on my sister," he explained ignoring the question about himself. He glanced up to look at Olivia and she could see the pain behind his clear, piercing eyes. "Erika is 9 years younger than me and I think she was about 6 or so and she found him sobbing on his own downstairs in the middle of the night and she just wanted to comfort him… I woke up to screaming which, honestly wasn't really that atypical, but it was my sister's crying instead of my mothers and I had no choice, I couldn't let it happen to her…"

Olivia knew he was struggling to tell her about it, the same way she struggled to tell him about the vodka and the kidnapping, but he persevered anyway. A few times he cleared his throat that had become thick with emotion.

"Did you stop him?"

He nodded. "I'd just hit puberty, was taller than him by then, I was filling out and I guess my advantage was how drunk he was. I took a heavy camping flashlight that I'd bought for a school trip and I'm not proud of it, but when I saw him, my Mom was crying and begging for him to stop, he had my sister against the wall laying in to her and I went to town until I think the situation sobered him up."

He felt Olivia squeeze his hands and gave her a wry smile. "I don't know how far he would have taken it, but I wasn't about to find out. I don't know if he was a little scared of me after that, or it was a wake up call for him – police were called, he got taken away and of course my Mom let him back…" he sighed and shook his head as if the whole situation frustrated him, "but if anything it brought my sister and I a lot closer. My Dad and I just stayed out of each other's way… we danced this game for years, that he could boss me around and if I didn't rely on shelter and food or have my little sister to worry about, I would have split…"

"I'm really sorry about all of that Trevor, that must have been such an awful thing to go through as a kid, I can't imagine subjecting Noah to anything like that…"

"I know," he agreed, "And thank you. I essentially became a parent to Erika, goodness knows my mother put my father before her, or at least that's how it felt – someone had to look out for her…" he sighed.

"That's a lot for someone who was barely a teenager…" she remarked, "you have that gene in you – the protector," she added.

"Maybe that's why I've been such a pushover with Helena. I don't want Eloise to ever have to witness screaming and shouting and put her in a position where she would feel fear."

"I understand that… I couldn't have Noah finding me in a PTSD episode so I've become very good at just… holding it in."

"I figured," he understood. "But you don't have to do that anymore. You've got me now and I've got you too."

Olivia nodded. "I'm very thankful for that."

"Me too," Trevor replied, clearing his throat. He leaned in and kissed the corner of her mouth and tried again, catching her lips properly.

She thought about what she wanted to say and how much she wanted to share. Trevor saw her mulling over something, as if she was going to say something but kept pulling back to reword it in her mind.

He didn't interrupt her thoughts, but waited for her to speak.

"I was so paranoid about you seeing all of my little scars the first time you saw me naked," she managed a shy little smile. "Even still, the thought of you paying them any attention makes it hard to breathe… but I've managed to push away that feeling enough to let it happen… I was lucky that I got away without being too permanently injured," she admitted.

"I did notice the scars, it's hard not to pay attention to every bit of you, Olivia," he smiled reassuringly. Despite the heaviness that took over her body, she appreciated that only Trevor could manage to be complimentary.

"But I don't want you to worry, I see you, I see scars, but its not who you are, it's what's made you stronger and it's what's made you a survivor-"

"He didn't rape me," she cut him off, blurting out the words, never wanting him to have to wonder, "just in case you were wondering, he didn't rape me."

"Okay," he replied. "He just … made you feel like he was going to…or?"

"He assaulted me, he burned me with a cigarette lighter, he burned me with whatever he could burn me with, he made surface wounds with his knife, he beat me, he threatened to rape me, he touched me, groped me, exposed himself to me, made me watch while he raped someone else, he put his hands all over me, held a gun to my face, put it the loaded gun in my mouth and made me believe over and over that this would be the time… and true to his word, I started out begging for my life but by the end of it, I wanted him to just take me out - Noah was my only glimmer of hope through it all."

"Fuck…" Trevor's mouth was agape – surprised that she had blurted it all out in a weird, disassociated, compartmentalized way. "Olivia…"

"Its okay," she said quickly, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laid that out on you like that—you weren't ready."

"No!" he remarked, "no, Liv, its fine – I just didn't know…"

"Because I don't even know how to share the details, Trevor – I don't want anyone to understand that kind of terror that I endured…" she murmured, "just blinding, unfiltered terror… it can't be explained or unpacked in a coffee-cup type situation and that in itself can be frustrating and …" she searched for the right word, "lonely?"

Trevor nodded, "It's alienating, right?" he suggested.

Olivia nodded, "yeah, but its not a situation that I would have wanted to endure with me. If there was someone else hostage with me, he would have raped me for sure…" her voice trailed off.

She rolled her shoulders as if she was trying to get rid of something that had wrapped itself around her – anxiousness, tension maybe, he thought.

"Maybe…" he agreed. "I'm glad you survived. I'm glad you had Noah to keep you fighting and I'm glad that we've had the opportunity to come in to each other's lives."

She smiled at him, feeling strangely lighter – able to breathe now that he had responded and hadn't run.

She glanced down at the bracelet that hung on her wrist that he had hand-picked just for her. A rush of gratitude flooded her and she was able to let the words that had left her mouth just minutes earlier roll away.

"So, are you still close to your sister?" she asked him desperately needing to change the subject before it became too intense with emotion from either one of them. "You mentioned she's looking after Eloise tonight."

Trevor was unsurprised by how quickly she flipped the conversation – dropping a bomb and then running away from it without looking back. It was too much for him to focus on in the moment, he needed time to process the words that had just blurted out of her mouth fast and loose without emotion.

He needed to push it away for the minute. He focused back on the question she had just asked.

"Yeah, we're very close" he smiled. "Erika complains she doesn't see her enough and she and Helena have had words so she can't just go and visit anymore."

Olivia couldn't help but to laugh. "Now she's the protective one…"

Trevor smiled, "She is… she's a little fire ball, you'd like her. She's actually turning 40 next month."

She noticed how happy he was when he talked about her, he seemed to light up. Olivia smiled right back at him, "what does she do? Does she have any kids?"

He shook his head, "No, unfortunately – this just haven't worked out for her and we've recently found out that she isn't able to conceive so..."

"Is children what she wanted?" Olivia asked, understanding to some degree what that must have been like.

"Yeah, I've never met someone who wanted to be a mother more than my sister… she had a bad break up after 7 years, they went through everything and eventually he left, he wanted someone who could give him children – how messed up is that?"

"Fucking awful," Olivia breathed. "I hope she knows she can still be a mother and if adoption isn't for her, she can still be an amazing auntie…."

"She's a lecturer at NYU, she teaches Molecular Biology. I'm really proud of her; she's chasing down her doctorate in Epidemiology so at least she can keep focus. She's so smart she makes me look like a complete dumb ass."

Olivia laughed, "You're not stupid, but I'm in awe of people who are that smart."

"And she's gorgeous too… she got all of the good genetics, I hit my head on the shallow end of the gene pool, clearly," he joked.

"I'm glad you have someone to lean on and that you're close with. I wish I'd had that, it would have made all of the difference in my life, I'm sure."

He drew her closer to him, allowing her to rest her head against his shoulder as he stroked her back absently. She circled her arms around his neck, enjoying their closeness.

"I've thought so much about your upbringing, without sounding creepy…" he gave a slight chuckle. She smiled because the feeling of his voice reverberating through his chest against her ear was entirely calming. "And I can't imagine how lonely that would have felt… and then I think about how you must feel like you are hard-wired to be alone sometimes."

"All the time…" she corrected him. "Except for Noah, Noah is the good part, he's always been the good part since I first held him in my arms. He's my reason," she explained. "I just didn't understand my capacity to love someone or something until he became mine."

"That's parenthood for you…" he murmured. "I just want you to know that you're not hard-wired to be alone. I'm here too now…"

"I hope you'll be here to stay. Who knows what the future will hold though, I try not to bet on anything these days… I've had men promise me they won't walk away… only to watch their back leaving…"

"I know," he agreed regretfully, "but I mean it and you'll learn to trust my words the longer we're together."

She didn't say anything, she just enjoyed the feel of him wrapped around her, stroking her hair and her back. She was exhausted; sometimes the flash backs were responsible for flattening her. The shrink explained that such a spark of adrenalin was comparable to exercise, her body was working overtime to try to keep up – so naturally she would crash.

"Hey…" he said softly after some silence.

"Mmm?"

"Will you stay and meet Helena tomorrow?" he asked, trying to sound casual but it was a huge deal to both him and Olivia. "I would really like you to start spending time with me and Eloise and not having to plan our time around when she isn't here so as not to offend Helena."

"I can be…" she said slowly, pushing herself up to look in his face. "But, I'd have to get Noah first, Lucy is leaving in the late morning, is that okay?"

"Of course its okay," he agreed. "But no pressure, only if you're ready."

"I'm ready when you are…" she replied. "And when Helena is."

"Fuck it," he said resolutely, "I'm ready and she didn't give me a choice when she was ready for Eloise to be introduced to her other half, so fuck it, I want us to all hang out and to get to know each other slowly… as I told you the other night, all of this is a courtesy to Helena, I don't have to agree to it, I just am trying to do the right thing."

"Okay," Olivia responded, kissing his cheek, letting herself fall against him again.

"You're sleepy, aren't you?" he wondered, feeling her body get heavier.

"Yeah…" she replied. "I should lay down…"

She made a move to get off of him, climbing to her own side which she had learned was actually his side but he was willing to let her have it.

"Will it bother you if I turn the television on?" he asked, not really very tired himself.

"Of course not," she replied, "I don't go to sleep without the TV on when you're not at home."

They got comfortable. Olivia snuggled up beside him and he turned out the lights, both of their cups of tea long forgotten. She draped an arm across his bare chest. She couldn't remember when he'd lost his shirt, but she didn't mind. As if having a similar thought, she sat up for a moment, he looked at her expectantly. She pulled his tshirt over her head and tossed it aside and settled back down beside him again.

"Liv?" he questioned her, wondering if she was genuinely just trying to get more comfortable, or if she was trying to seduce him.

"Mmm?"

"Are you…. Comfortable?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, are you?" she wondered.

"Uhuh, I am now…." He replied, feeling her breasts pressed against his side. He loved to feel the soft and silkiness of her skin against him.

"Good… I obviously can't sleep like this with you at home, I need to take full advantage," she murmured sleepily. He kissed her temple.

"Baby, I am not complaining," he chuckled. "Goodnight." He kissed her again, "sweet dreams…"