S2 Episode 6 Little Gift Shop of Horrors Part 1

Chapter 115: Swap Meet

Against all odds, Stan's venture to Vegas had been exceptionally lucrative. Whether it was pure luck or he'd found a way to cheat the system was anyone's guess. Whatever the case, Stan was willing to close the Shack in the afternoon so everyone – minus Soos who was spending some quality time with his girlfriend – could visit the Gravity Falls Swap Meet. The sign said 'Where Parking Lots Meet Garbage Dump', which was pretty much the most honest advertising any of them had ever seen.

Pretty much everyone in town was there, either behind a booth or out roaming the paths. Manly Dan was peddling wood carvings, old man McGucket was selling actual garbage instead of advanced weapons, and Lazy Susan was selling what she called 'baby parts' and looked rather perplexed that no one was buying.

Out on the path, Mabel was instantly drawn to some novelty bobble heads. "Hehe. They agree with everything I say."

"Whoa, sweet." Wendy ran over to a clutch of plush toys and picked out a familiar looking duck-pig. "Look familiar," she teased, showing it off to the embarrassed boy on her shoulder. "You remember. From that time you just couldn't stop throwing your balls in my face."

"Come on, Wendy. It wasn't like that," Dipper whined. "And I said I was sorry."

"You only apologized for the one time. What about the other time when you smacked me with the whole sack?" Wendy's smile faded when she turned to the stunned man behind the booth. "It's exactly what it sounds like."

"If I buy it for you, will you drop it already?"

Wendy smiled triumphantly. "See. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the weird girl," said a very stuck up voice.

Mabel whirled around and only barely kept herself from lunging. "Pacifica," she hissed, also barely hiding her grin. "What brings you out here?"

The blonde's eyes shifted, making sure the coast was clear, then motioned Mabel to follow her to a hidden spot behind the booths. "I told dad I was due for another public appearance to remind everyone how great I am and he agreed. Took forever to ditch the guards, though," she groaned, only for her smile to soften. "I figured you'd be here. You really have a thing for this weird stuff."

"Guilty. I got a soft spot for the weird ones. Boop," Mabel said, delivering an unprompted and merciless boop to Pacifica's nose.

The blonde blinked as her brain performed a restart. "Did you just boop me? Did you just call me weird?"

"Yes and yes. You're like a bubble girl wearing the world's cutest bubble." Mabel gestured over Pacifica's body.

"Thanks…" Pacifica blushed under her suit and looked away. "So, um, how are things?"

"Since our last call, not much. How 'bout you tell me a little about you? I'm always going on and on about my days. Its time you got a turn."

"That's nice of you, but my days really aren't that interesting. It's just lesson after lesson after photo shoot after lesson after public appearance. I swear, if I weren't wearing this suit, my mouth muscles would break from smiling too much."

Mabel's expression fell. "Can that happen?"

"Maybe, though I'm pretty sure you're safe if it's a real smile. Fake smiling is a chore. And photo shoots are a chore and a half. All that makeup and prep work. Then you have to wait for the director to get the shots just right. Ugh! It's infuriating."

"Why don't you get some weapons installed? Then at least you can motivate the directors to hurry up."

Pacifica laughed. "Dad would never go for it. Luckily, all your talk about that grappling hook got me thinking." She pulled down her sleeve and displayed her right forearm. The skin around the wrist folded back to reveal the silver metal interior and the hand spun around 360 degrees. "So I made some secret mods," Pacifica said with a wicked grin.

Mabel gasped for a solid 3 seconds. "Show-me-show-me-show-me!"

Pacifica poked her head around the corner, keeping a low profile as she scanned for possible targets. Once located, she took aim and waited for the perfect chance when no one was looking. Luckily, since the people of Gravity Falls seemed to have evolved obliviousness as a survival mechanism, that time came soon. Pacifica shot her hand out across the path and grabbed the target. Then the metal cord reeled in with no one the wiser. The two girls crawled back to their hiding spot and the blonde presented the brunette with her prize. "You like vampires, right?"

Mabel accepted the Dracula bobble head with tear filled eyes. "This is the best Dracula anyone's ever given me."

Pacifica set her hands on her hips and flipped her hair back. "I'll pay for it later. That look on your face is easily worth ten times that-"

"Boop." As Pacifica blanked again, Mabel laughed. "And that look on your face. That was a real smile. You should try it more often."

"I should, shouldn't I?"

"So you're pretty good with this mechanical stuff, huh?"

"I kinda have to be. It's like how everyone with a long-term disease is an expert in it so they can maintain themselves. For diabetics, it's watching what they eat. For me…" Pacifica held out her left hand. Her fingers opened and split apart into over a dozen tiny mechanical digits. "It means learning robotics."

"Whoaaa!" Mabel marveled, looking at the hand from multiple angles. "You're like a child prodigy."

"Not really. I had to work my butt off to figure this stuff out. I told my parents that it was to save costs on repairs, but it was a pain keeping them from learning the truth."

"That's even cooler!" Mabel grabbed Pacifica's openly mechanical hand, completely unphased by all the moving parts as her fingers gripped tight.

It was Pacifica's turn to awe at what Mabel had done. "You're… really not scared of me, are you?"

"Nope."

Pacifica chuckled awkwardly, her mechanical cheeks not reflecting her actual blush. "I guess you wouldn't be. You've fought monsters and, heh-heh, killed… people."

"For the record, those were just wax statues."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah. Cursed wax statues that came to life. They tried to hurt my family first, so I gave them what the deserved," Mabel explained matter-of-factly.

Pacifica blinked. "Oh. So, when you said you'd mess me up like Lizzie Borden…"

Mabel giggled. "That was actually an accident. I embarrassed her so bad she melted herself."

Pacifica chuckled nervously. "How?"

"By showing everyone that she had a bush bigger than my whole body."

Pacifica threw her head back in hysterical laughter; or at least she would have if she hadn't hit the mute button. It was kind of weird for Mabel watching the blonde's mouth open in a wide smile as she lurched forward and slammed her fist to the ground, all while not making a sound. Even so, Mabel smiled, choosing to laugh aloud in the voice that Pacifica was still too afraid to share with the world.

Meanwhile, over with the others, Stan had spied some faux gold watches. "Look at these beauties. They're mob boss quality." Looking up to start haggling, Stan was taken aback by the old crone. Her skin was a sickly green, her fingers were long and bony, that long nose and wild white hair wouldn't look bad on a witch, and there was something about those yellow eyes. "Well hello beautiful," he greeted gentlemanly, trying not to imagine what horrors lay beneath those baggy clothes. "How much for these fine watches?"

"They are not for sale," she said in a scratchy voice as an ominous wind began to blow. "Not for you, Stan Pines. The wind whispers your naaame."

Continue here 10,500

If sweet talking wouldn't work, Stan opted for the direct approach. He slapped a bill on the table and grabbed for a watch, only for the crone to grab his wrist.

"Hands of my waaatch!" she bellowed as her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

Stan pulled away and made some distance. Feeling proud, he showed off the spoils of his heist to his nephew and employee. "Boom! Another win for the heist twins." He kissed each of his hands.

"Grunkle Stan, did you seriously just shoplift a witch? I'm pretty sure that was a curse."

Stan, however, was dismissive and walked away. Dipper and Wendy shared a shrug, resigned to dealing with whatever happened when it did.

Chapter 116: Hand Witch

At breakfast the next morning, Mabel started screaming. "Ahh! No hands! Grunkle Stan, what happened to your hands?"

Where his hands should have been, Stan only had a pair of glowing pink stumps. Apparently he woke up like this. At first, he tried to play it off as nothing, that the watch was worth it and that he could get by without hands. Even after the crone – who was unquestionably a witch – demanded atonement from within the watch, Stan was a stubborn one.

The rest of the day was a series of humiliations as everyone waited far longer than should be necessary for Stan to come to his senses. Mabel had made him some prosthetic hands using teacups, silverware, and glitter. They immediately proved ineffective when Stan patted her head in gratitude, only to yank out strands of hair. He about gave Lazy Susan a heart attack just by waving at her, an accident at the bowling alley almost got someone killed, and for some reason Stan liked to play 'toss me a dozen eggs' with a guy at the grocery store. It just wasn't a good day.

Later, the Pines and Wendy had scaled an ominous mountain with creepy formations and perpetual cloud cover, of which Gravity Falls seemed to have a surplus.

"According to the Swap Meet pamphlet," read Mabel. "The Hand Witch lives in her horrible Hand Witch lair on Mt. Hand Witch."

"Stop saying Hand Witch," grumbled Stan, leading the way with flashlights taped to his stumps.

"Better than Butt Witch," remarked Dipper from Wendy's shoulder. "How much would you have to hate someone to give them a name like that?"

"I'm more concerned that Hand Witch is actually her name," Wendy added. "That's just all kinds of sad."

The four made their through the dark and creepy cave. Wendy kept jumping at the sights and sounds of scuttling in the distance, but could never get a beat on it.

"Eep! Hey, don't tap my shoulder," chided Mabel.

"Kid, I can't tap anything with these," Stan argued, inadvertently shining a light in her face.

"Hey, quit it!" Dipper swiped his arm, only to find nothing there.

"What happened, little man?"

"A big fat finger just poked me." He gulped. "Uh guys, I think I just figured out why she's called the Hand Witch."

Stan pointed his lights up at the ceiling, showing the cave's surface was covered in severed hands wiggling their sickly fingers. The crew screamed as the swarm descended. For a while, they held their own. Dipper was tough enough to punch the hands away one at a time, but was powerless after being double teamed by an extra-large set. Wendy tried to get him back, finally getting a chance to use her axe, but the hands were too small and fast. It was like fighting an army of Dippers with jump jets. She was knocked to the ground as the many hands grabbed where they really shouldn't have. Stan tried stomping and punching with his stumps, but the hands just delivered a series of bitch slaps that seemed to channel a deep loathing. Mabel tried playing rock-paper-scissors, lost, and was swarmed by the hands that had snuck up behind her in the distraction. The crew had lost to the power of raw numbers and were now restrained.

Holding up a lantern, the Hand Witch cackled madly as she came into view. "Look at this touching scene." She paused as if expecting a laugh, but all she got was a high five from one of the hands. "You guys. You guys get me."

"Alright ya horrible wench. Ya got me." Stan shook the watch from his wrist. "Stealin' is wrong. Yadda, yadda. Take it. Now can I have my hands back? I have a couple gestures I'd like to share with you."

The hands formed a mobile throne beneath the Hand Witch, carrying her closer to her prisoners. "Alas, your hands cannot be gotten so easily." She picked up the watch and dropped it down the front of her robes. "The spirits say, um, that the curse can only be broken by a kiiiss."

When the hands released their grip on Stan, he stood and knew what needed to be done. "It's alright kids. Just look away." He marched forward as if to his own execution, knelt down before the offered old hand, and kissed it.

"A kiss on the lips!" the Hand Witch demandingly amended.

Stan pulled back in revulsion. "What? Forget it! I'm not kissing any of that mess. I don't need my hands that bad."

"Yeah, you're just making stuff up now," agreed Dipper.

"Come on kids. Let's go." Stan turned to leave, but only made it a few steps before more hands grabbed his ankles.

"No, wait! Don't go!" cried the Hand Witch, hopping from her throne. "Yer right. Yer right. I was just making all that stuff up. I'm just trying to get something going, ya know," she explained, much more submissive and apologetic. "It's just so hard to meet people these days." She snapped her fingers and released the others.

"So this was all just a ploy to get a date?" questioned Dipper, now back in Wendy's protective grasp.

"I'm desperate, okay. But every time I bring someone back here without keeping their hands hostage, they just run away."

"Well yeah. Just look at this horror show." Stan motioned around the cavern. "It's creepy even for a cave."

"You just need to redecorate," Mabel offered helpfully, shaping some hands into a 'handelabra'.

The Hand Witch loved it and soon the whole gang was in on the cave makeover. The addition of furniture and lights did a remarkable job of livening the place up. Now that they were in a truce, Wendy pulled the Hand Witch aside to keep her away from the cave for a little bit while the others worked, but also to get at the real issue of her loneliness. Since the cave apparently got Wi-Fi, the teen introduced the old hag to online dating, giving tips to improve her chances and pit falls to avoid. When all was said and done, the cave looked downright tolerable for normal human beings and the Hand Witch was crying with joy.

"Oh my goodness! I can't believe this is the same cave! Oh my goodness. I can't even find the words."

"How 'bout 'here's your hands back'?" suggested Stan grumpily. His hands were returned and although he was grateful, he was more firm that he wouldn't date the Hand Witch.

"Well, thanks anyway. Say, I've been meaning to ask," the Hand Witch said to Wendy. "You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere? What's your name?"

"Wendy Corduroy."

"Corduroy!?" The Hand Witch jumped back, pressing her back against the wall and sweating bullets. "Y-you're not-"

Wendy smirked. "Sheela's daughter? Yeah."

"C-can we not tell your mother about this? Please. I'm already on thin ice with her as it is."

"We'll see. Just don't let me catch you pulling this crap again. Got it!" she intoned threateningly.

"Eep!"

On their way out and down the mountain, Wendy was afflicted by mixed feelings. "We probably could have avoided a lot of trouble if I just named dropped my mom," she bemoaned.

"I'm glad you didn't," Dipper countered. "We handled things on our own and it worked out fine. Remember, you're not your mother. You're Wendy."

"Shut up," she laughed while shoving his shoulder with her finger. "And thanks."

Also, don't forget to support me on Subscribe Star to get access to content early /typist-gray