AN: Well, this fought me… ok and I've been reveling in having enough free time to do stuff (Free Skyrim mods! Magic can actually be relevant! And awesome!) and catch up on my reading (so many open tabs I didn't have time for) but it also fought me, a lot. The point when I have to go back and reread my own work before I can get in the mindset to move forward again is always disheartening. But I promised I was coming back, and damn it all, this means too much to me to not follow through on that promise. I've got the ball rolling again, now I need to keep that momentum up.

The only positive thing I could reasonably say about the ENE Wards kitchen was that it wasn't currently on fire. Given the smell of burnt something hanging heavy in the air, I was pretty sure had I walked in twenty minutes sooner I wouldn't have been able to say even that much in its favor. I slowly turned to give Lily and Dani a look. Both had the decency to at least fidget. No, this wasn't my kitchen. I'd never even set foot in it before, but these two had seen me work. I'd poked them often enough about at least putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher. They knew better.

"We, ahh… we've been busy." Dani offered me a sheepish grin. My hand came up to massage the bridge of my nose.

"... I need a shower. A very long, thorough, shower. If this" I waved an arm to indicate the kitchen "looks like less of a disaster area when I get out, and you've scrounged something for me to work with, I will cook something simple." Turning away from the mess I marched for the showers with a towel and change of clothes under my arm. Behind me I heard the girls start to scramble.

"I guess none of the local Wards can cook either."

Shirou only chuckled in response.

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Stepping out of the boiling hot shower felt like bliss. Tension had melted out of my body as oils and dirt were scrubbed away. It was just so refreshing! The clean clothes were nothing special. Just sweatpants and a t-shirt, but they felt so good after spending days in my costume! Running fingers through my tangle free and once again silky hair I grinned like an idiot even as I stepped into the kitchen.

It wasn't spotless but it was better, and the two of them were finishing off the last of the dishes while a red head missing a foot dried from his seat at the table.

"Hey," The red head waved, "nice to meet you, I'm Dennis, Clockblocker."

"Taylor, Legacy. Though I'm sure you already knew that."

Dennis chuckled and bobbed his head acknowledging the point. With the bare minimum of pleasantries seen too for the moment, I moved my attention to the spread of ingredients on display. From the looks of things, they had turned the cupboards inside out, and even raided the trooper mess hall for whatever they could find. Sadly, what they had found wasn't much. Although… wasn't that a pressure cooker?

"Do you think we could use hamburgers for a pot roast?"

"I suppose you could treat each patty as a slice of beef if you prep them right. Though it might just fall apart."

"Worth a shot. If it fails, I'll just throw in some corn starch and call it a soup."

"Lily, would you mind peeling those potatoes while I get started on the carrots? Dani, could you chop up that celery?"

I didn't really bother to look. I just got to work on my own bits of the meal. Soon enough I heard the crunch of fresh celery from somewhere behind me and Lily sidled up on my left as she set to peeling spuds. It was nice. A breath of fresh air and calm after everything that happened since leaving New York. I smiled and set to work with new energy. Everyone else should be back in a few hours and it'd be nice if we could all eat together when this was done cooking.

"No jobs for me?" Dennis asked.

I hummed thoughtfully and glanced over the ingredients again. With a few deft steps and some tracing, I quickly presented him with a cutting board, a knife, and an onion.

"Know how to dice one of these?"

"Been a while, but I've helped out in the kitchen before, shouldn't be a problem."

"Cool, thanks."

And just like that I could almost pretend that the last two weeks hadn't happened. Almost. Something had changed though. It wasn't the kitchen. Or the fact Dennis was here instead of Jason or Fred. No. I'd changed, or at least my outlook. I was pretty sure I wasn't the only one either. Danni and Lily had been quieter than usual and they seemed tired, drained really. When we had been outside of the base, they'd been tense. Almost nervous. It reminded me of some of the more rattled members of the National Guard I'd worked with.

I didn't like it. They were both such happy friendly people. Seeing them like that just felt wrong. Yes, they were heroes, and it wasn't my job to shield them from my messed up hometown. They had volunteered for this, but they did it to chase after me. I wasn't used to having friends who would go this far for me. Much as I appreciated that it made me feel guilty too.

"So, I know they're happy to have you back. And honestly after everything we've been hearing about you, I'm glad you're on our side too. Also no one here can cook. So, on behalf of the Wards East North East, I'd just like to be the first to welcome you back." Dennis broke my thoughts with a jovial tone.

I didn't say anything, not immediately. The quiet almost immediately turned awkward. In short order mine was the only knife making noise as I made short work of the carrots. At least I felt awkward as I watched Danni and Lily share glances out of the corner of my eyes.

"You uh, you are coming back to the Wards, right?"

"Dennis." Lily near hissed at the red head.

"I don't… I don't think I am." With a deft movement I dumped the now diced carrots into a bowl. Pulling over the package of burgers I eyed them skeptically. This was going to be the trickiest part. Substitutions were never a sure thing.

"What do you mean you aren't coming back?" Lily's voice was harsh as she grabbed my wrist.

I glanced over at her but couldn't meet her eyes. Not for long. I put my focus back on my cooking.

"Taylor, what do you mean you aren't coming back?"

"They wouldn't let me come looking for Dad. He was alive, healthy, and after a couple of days he tried to get in touch through the PRT, and they brushed him off."

I shrugged off Lily's hand and moved over to start prepping the hamburger patties. I wanted to sear the outside in a pan before throwing them into the crock pot. I gathered my thoughts as the pan heated.

"You know it took my therapist almost two months of wearing me down with logical arguments before I agreed to join in the first place? Being solo isn't safe, hanging out somewhere high up to snipe people with a bow and arrow isn't productive or heroic. Or my personal favorite, an independent who "goes too far" can get into legal trouble. Never mind that going too far is completely up to the PRT and public opinion." I ranted as the burgers sizzled in the pan.

"I swallowed all of my reservations, all of my issues, and I signed the paperwork. I got into a low key blackmail contest with Mr. Chambers because they refused to give me an escape clause in my contract. Something neither of us really won… Now this? Lily I did more good here as an independent in two weeks than my entire stay in New York."

"That's not the same and you know it!" Lily cut in. "This whole city is a disaster area! Anyone would have done more good here!"

"Then maybe I should be going to places like this! Maybe that would be a better use of my time instead of being entertainment for some elementary school tour! Or promoting the Wards on the boardwalk!"

"What about that officer you saved?! What about the human trafficking locking up that gang put a stop to?! Is that just unimportant now because you could do more somewhere else?!"

"I…" I didn't have a good response for that. I had done good work in New York.

"Are you really going to toss that away? Toss usaway? Toss me away?!"

"I'm not tossing anyone away!" I snapped. "You are the best friends I've had in years! But you aren't the problem! The problem is the Protectorate and the PRT! What do you want me to do, Lily?!"

The anger drained out of me as I flipped the first few burgers.

"Should I go back and tell them how sorry I am that I misbehaved like a naughty child? Promise too never do it again? Take whatever idiotic punishment they try to stick me with for disobeying? I came here to find my Dad. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I'd have done the same for you, or Danni, Jason or Fred. I'm not sorry, I'm not ashamed, and I've done too much good here to just let them bench me again for doing the right thing!"

I turned to face her full on. I didn't like any of this, hated it actually. I never wanted to fight with her. With any of them.

"I don't know where I'm going to end up living, where Dad will want to move. I have no idea what my Dad's going to think about any of this. He might try and force me to stay. I don't know what the idiots in charge are going to try and do, but I'd bet anything I won't like it. What am I supposed to do, Lily?"

"You're supposed to stay with the people who care about you!" She swiped a hand through the air between us. With a noise that sounded somewhere between a sob and a snarl she tore out of the kitchen nearly bowling over Vista as she peaked around the door frame.

The silence was complete and awkward in the kitchen after a door slammed down the hall.

With a heavy sigh I moved around collecting the various diced ingredients and set them aside to add later. I turned to Danni as Denis maneuvered out of the kitchen leaning on his crutch and having a harshly whispered conversation with the very nervous looking Vista.

"You want to tear a piece out of me too? Make me feel like I'm a terrible person?" The words were bitter and I couldn't be bothered to reign in my tone.

"...Jason said you might want to leave." She crossed her arms over her chest and looked away. "I didn't want to believe him. I mean I know you didn't like how everything was done even before this all happened. I just…"

I sighed and leaned back against the counter.

"I don't want to leave you, any of you. You're all amazing. But them?" I gestured at the building above us. "I triggered because they couldn't keep a psycho Ward under control. Three months of M/S screening where I behaved like a model prisoner. I should have been out in two, but a couple of directors got into a political pissing match over my being fit to rejoin society. I got locked up because a full branch of the Protectorate wouldn't take me at my word. I got benched for three weeks instead of the regulation two for saving an officer's life. Then this? Legend as good as admitted he'd have ignored regulations and flown down here if it had been his family, but I can't come search for mine? They've been screwing me over left right and center from the very beginning. I've tried to be patient, tried to be understanding. I'm just so tired of all this bullshit."

I ran my fingers through my hair and glanced away.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I may not even get a choice if Dad refuses to listen. Or if they decide I did something illegal here and use it to force me to be a probationary Ward."

"... I don't think they could force you like that. Not with how closely you were working with the National Guard. I think they sort of took responsibility for your actions. Sort of. I didn't really understand all the details."

"Well, that's something at least."

"You need to talk to Lily." Danni said seriously.

"I don't think she wants to hear anything I have to say right now." I muttered.

"Taylor," Danni reached out and grabbed my hands, I was surprised to see her looking so very serious, "you really need to talk to Lily. You know her family situation is a mess, and she was panicking when we realized you ran away. She, we've both been low key freaking out. The villains play for keeps. The people rioted while we were there with the troops and officers. This… we're not trained for this! But we came here for you. She came for you. And now you're talking about abandoning her. I don't think you could hurt her more without attacking her."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I screwed up."

"Then you had better fix it."

"How?"

"Talk to her."

"Very helpful, any other wisdom." I snapped. Shirou didn't say anything more so I opened my eyes and faced Danni's disappointed stare.

"What am I supposed to do, Danni? Really, what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know what you should do when we get out of this city, but right now you need to promise that girl no matter what you aren't abandoning her. And that goes for the rest of us too. It might be hitting her the hardest, but Jason and I didn't come all this way and deal with all this just to lose our friend."

I flashed her a weak smile.

"Right, it's a promise. No matter what happens I'll stay in touch. I don't exactly have enough friends that I can just forget the few I do have."

Danni nodded firmly and spun me around before giving me a little shove.

"... Good enough for now. Go tell Lily that or she'll spend the whole night barricaded in her room."

This wasn't something I'd ever really considered. Not that leaving would have repercussions. I'd known that as soon as I started to really consider it. But that anyone would be this upset about it on a personal level. I didn't want to leave them. The idea of being without friends again sucked. But that Lily would take it this hard? I guess I still wasn't really used to having good friends.

It was a short walk to her room. Not even fifty feet. I was actually a bit surprised to realize I'd traced a butterfly knife somewhere along the way to her door as the sharp click clack of metal on metal broke me out of the near daze I'd been in as I walked over.

With a quiet growl I flipped it shut and shoved it into a pocket. Playing with a knife, no matter how much it might help me deal with stress, would not help with this.

I wasn't going to lose a friend over this. Not if I could help it. Especially not when so much was still up in the air. I hadn't fought to keep Emma as my friend, and I doubt it would have done any good if I'd tried. But this was my fault, and I was going to fix it. if I could.

"Lily?" I called through the door. This felt so stupid. Clearly, she didn't want to talk to me, but here I was pushing her to do just that. If she even opened the door I'd probably only make things worse somehow.

I still had to try.

"Go away!" The muffled response made me cringe.

"If I thought it might actually help I just might… But I don't think giving you space would make things any better. Would it?"

I honestly wasn't sure. Dealing with people felt like such a crap shoot at times. At least with the guard I knew exactly where I stood with them. Then again, I hadn't made any close friends with them. It was more like having a bunch of mostly competent coworkers. Maybe Lily really would be better if I gave her some time to herself…

"If you want, I could come back later? Bring you dinner once it's finished cooking and we could talk then?"

There was a long moment of silence. As it dragged on, I found myself fidgeting, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. I had to fight the urge to pull the butterfly knife back out.

"Come back with dinner."

"Right, I'll… right."

That was… something, I guess. Hopefully a couple hours would give me enough time to think of something to say that wouldn't make things worse. Maybe I could find enough ingredients to make dessert. Nothing wrong with a bit of honest bribery between friends. Right?

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After greeting everyone and directing them to the food I scooped up two plates worth and a few of the cookies I'd managed to whip up. A couple of bottles of water would have to suffice because that was all we had for drinks. With a deep breath I knocked on Lily's door using a foot.

She looked… not great. Her eyes were red and there were distinct bags under them. I winced a bit at the realization she'd been crying. Without saying a word her arm snaked out and grabbed the plate of cookies, spun on her heal and sat on her bed with her back to the wall.

The room was the standard Wards room. Off white walls, a desk, a closet, a bed. Bits of her costume and civilian clothing were scattered around the room. Lightly stepping around it all I claimed her desk chair for my own and dragged it close to the bed. Placing a bottle of water, one of the plates of food, and a fork on the bed close enough for Lily to reach without moving.

Lily ate every cookie, not offering to share with me, before turning to her dinner. The whole meal was consumed in silence. I wasn't sure what to say, and Lily clearly wasn't ready to talk yet. When the last bite was consumed and the plates set aside, she finally started to talk.

"I like you."

Those were not the words I was expecting her to lead with.

"I really like you. I think you're amazing, and beautiful, and I love how much you care about people even if you suck at just saying it."

My cheeks felt a little warm. I opened my mouth to say, something, anything, though I've no idea what.

"I think how dense you are is adorable even if it is stupidly frustrating. I'd have come after you even if I only liked you as a friend, but I really do want more than that." Her words were picking up steam, and there was an energy hiding behind her eyes.

Lily liked me? Wanted to date me? But I didn't even like… I couldn't stop myself from glancing up and down Lily's body. She was on the petite side, with modest curves, and silky straight black hair done in a pixie cut, and despite not looking a thing like the boys I'd sometimes imagined in the past I felt heat rising in my cheeks. Which was just… just… oh for-

Shirou, Alaya damned, Emiya! Did your fuckikng soul merger bullshit change my sexual orientation?!"

"Hey! That's hitting below the belt!"

"Answer the fucking question!"

"...Maybe?"

"And you didn't think to warn me?!"

"And now you're trying to leave me behind a second time." Lily growled, cutting off my mental berating of the jackass I shared my head with. She stood up and glared at me. "That's two strikes." She held up her hand with two fingers raised and shoved it into my face. "If there is ever a strike three, I'm going to assume you will always hurt me. I won't give you a chance to leave me a fourth time! Even if we're ever only friends I won't stand for being left behind!"

I had stared down super villains doing their best to kill me without flinching, but in the face of Lily's anger I was shrinking into my chair.

"... I'm sorry."

And oh, how sorry I was feeling. I knew how clingy Lily could be sometimes, and that her family life was shit, though I didn't know many details. I'd just never put the pieces together until now. When Dani dressed me down after Lily stormed off, I started to suspect, but this… This cemented it. Lily had abandonment issues, and I'd stomped all over them because I couldn't see past my own problems long enough to think about how it was going to affect her.

Maybe I was just out of practice at dealing with friends, or maybe I'd been too worried about Dad and upset with the PRT to think about anyone else but that was an explanation, not an excuse.

Standing slowly, I carefully pulled the shorter girl into a hug and did my best not to think about what I'd just been berating Shirou over. This was not the time to start exploring a potential expansion of my dating options.

Though I'd need to look into that, soon because Lily was going to expect an answer about that soon too, and I hadn't seriously considered dating anyone in… Fuck, ever? Emma and I had giggled about boys before she decided to stab me in the back, but that had been giggly nonsense, not serious. Between grieving for Mom, my high school experience, having Shirou in my head and everything that came with that, never mind the need to hunt down and kill an alien super parasite made of crystallized magic… I don't think I'd ever actually considered dating seriously.

"I'm not good at this. Any of this." Maybe a bit too much honesty. Then again if her rant was anything to go by the theme of the night was brutal honesty so… "I'm not used to having friends, never mind friends who would jump into a combat zone to help me. And a few months ago, the idea that anyone would even think of dating me…" I shook my head. "I'm sorry. But I promise I'm not trying to -" I nearly bit my tongue to avoid saying abandon, "ditch you."

She shifted slightly as she slowly returned my hug.

"Look, I… I can't give you an honest answer about you and I dating. Not right now. I, I apparently need to do some soul searching, because I could have sworn, I was straight before my trigger." I growled.

I didn't have anything against people being gay, lesbians, bisexual…. Whatever the fuck I may or may not be! The fact it changed in a couple of months and my partner didn't bother to warn me it might happen was another thing entirely!

"No matter what though I still want to be your friend. Even if Dad doesn't stop me from leaving the Wards, or he moves us to some other city, I still want to be your friend."

"...What changed?" Lily asked quietly into my shoulder. "Jason said you were on the fence about coming back when he talked to you. What changed?"

"I guess… I guess it was Miss Militia." Even thinking about that sanctimonious- no. Not going there. Not right now. "How many people are going to treat me like that? Just dismiss me out of hand, tell me to let the adults handle it, judge me for killing? I did so much good the past two weeks and she didn't acknowledge any of it. Didn't apologize for what happened when we met either. Am I just supposed to put up with that?"

I growled and tried to let go of Lily so I could pace the room, but her arms only squeezed tighter and I gave up on that idea.

"I don't think I could deal with that for another two years."

Maybe I could try malicious compliance? No, nope, not an option. The second someone was in danger that I could stop with force I'd relapse. A mix of malicious compliance and ignoring orders? Ok maybe, but aside from pissing people off I don't think it would actually make the experience any better for me. In fact, I'm fairly certain it would just cause whoever got stuck with me to tighten the screws, so to speak.

"Why just two years? Wouldn't you be joining the Protectorate after?"

"I think I'd rather join the Guild."

Lily grunted something that might have been annoyance or it might have been acknowledgement. I honestly couldn't tell.

"When will you give me an answer about us being more than friends? I don't, stringing me along would be…" Her grip tightened to the point of being a little uncomfortable.

I blew out a sigh and tried very hard not to think about the smell of her shampoo.

"Just, I need-" I let go of her and brought my hands up to scrub at my eyes in an attempt to fight off the headache I could feel building. "I don't suppose you have internet? I thought I liked guys but I'm not, I'm not opposed to the idea of dating you. And now I feel like I don't even know myself anymore, and fucking Shirou should have warned me this could happen, and I'm going to kill him for this I fucking swear. Because is it so much to ask that he tell me how he's going to fuck with my sense of self beforehand?! And I don't even know where to start trying to figure this out! So maybe I need to look some things up, or read some of the cape fics on PHO to see what I even like now or-"

I growled and cut myself off because I was rambling and I felt stupid enough already and I was going to make Shirou listen to the gayest Legend x Chevalier fic I could find in the NSFW boards as revenge for not warning me that this could happen.

Lily shook lightly against my chest and much to my chagrin I realized she was laughing near silently.

"Ok." She stepped back and smiled a bit tearily up at me. "Ok, that's fair. You figure yourself out before you answer." She grinned a bit brighter. "At least I know it's possible now. Just don't take too long."

My chest felt a little tight looking at her smile. I could only manage a jerky nod in response.

"We don't have internet, but I have a book you can borrow. It, well it might help?"

I eyed the now blushing girl carefully.

"It's a trashy romance novel, isn't it?"

She looked somewhere over my shoulder instead of meeting my eyes, but she nodded.

"About two women?"

Another nod.

"... Can't be any worse than going to the internet for answers."

Lily darted in and hugged me again briefly before darting off to look for her book. I watched her for a moment before slamming my eyes shut, and trying to get my head and emotions back into some semblance of order.

"As if my life wasn't complicated enough already."

"... At least it's a good complication?"

"Shut up. I'm still pissed at you."

"Here, Taylor."

I accepted the book and very pointedly did not look at the cover or read the title.

"Thanks. I'm sorry, again. I never meant to hurt any of you, and you," I swallowed, "you came chasing after me, and now you're dealing with my issues, and… Just, thank you."

She grinned cheekily and pushed me towards the door.

"You're welcome. Now, go make it up to me by reading that book and figuring out if it's alright for me to kiss you."

Blood rushed to my cheeks and I mumbled… something. Hell if I know what. Then I executed a strategic withdrawal to the privacy of my own room.

"I really wish I could talk to Mom about this. I guess I could ask Dad, but that's just…" I glanced down at the book in my arms. "Maybe I'll just start with this."

I flipped to the first page and started on my assigned reading.

AN: Oh man this was so far outside of my usual ball park. Shipping is not my specialty, but I'm not going to get better without practice. Let me know what you think folks. Does this work? Is it rough? I think I did alright, but if I flubbed it then I need to know because this scene is too important to half ass. Lily just going for what she wants? I'm happy with that. That's pretty true to canon given how she hooked up with Parian. But did I get the execution right? Well, I'm writing again and the last few pages of this actually flowed pretty easily over about three hours. Just got to keep the ball rolling and get into the rotation again. Already been giving some thought to Using the Force Made Easy and Flames. It feels so good to be posting again, just got to keep it going and kick it back into high gear.