Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Chapter twenty-nine:

HYDE

It's been three months since Jack died, and Jackie's been off work for a month and a half now.

Remember when I said that I was going to use those three months to try and convince Jackie to go to therapy? About that…

Therapy is now a forbidden word for Jackie. She shuts down immediately if I even think about mentioning it to her.

And that completely sucks, because she's getting way worse, and I don't know what to do to help her anymore.

The fact that she no longer has to get out of the house and go to work made her stay in bed all day. I'm not kidding, she barely leaves her bed anymore, she only gets up to go to the bathroom and sometimes to eat.

Yeah, sometimes.

Jackie's not eating properly, and God, I'm trying, I really am trying to help her. I cook for her, I order takeout for her, I bring food in bed for her, but she only eats a portion of it, claiming she doesn't have an appetite and that if she eats too much, she'll get sick.

We fought a couple of times because of that. She's losing weight and she's weak, she fucking needs to eat, but then she started to cry and I fucking caved. She's being honest, I can see it in her eyes, what the hell was I supposed to do? At least she's trying, I know that if it were up to her she wouldn't eat at all.

I haven't left the apartment since I came back from Point Place when my store was robbed. I stay with Jackie 24/7; I'm not letting her out of my sight anymore. We're talking a lot, I've been doing my research and talking is good, for both of us. Of course it would be better if she agreed to talk to a fucking therapist, but I'm not pushing her.

Mrs. Forman calls almost every single day, she wants to check in on us, especially on Jackie. But there isn't much to tell.

Jackie doesn't do anything. She hasn't had another panic attack or a nightmare since I came back, but she lost all of her Jackie spark, and she just sulks in bed all day, it's painful for me to watch.

I hate seeing her like this, man. I would do anything to be able to make her feel better.

I move one stray strand of her hair behind her ear as she sleeps next to me, she has some dark circles underneath her eyes, which I honestly don't get, because Jackie spends about 70% of her day taking naps. How can someone wake up tired already?

I press a kiss on top of her head and pull her closer to me. I try my hardest to ignore the sharp pain that goes through my chest when I feel her backbone; she's so fucking tiny, it's killing me.

She shifts a little on my arms and I can see she's waking up, so I hug her tighter and I feel her hugging me back.

"Love you" I whisper in her ear, kissing the top of her head afterwards, and not letting her out of my embrace.

"I love you too" She says it back, her voice muffled against my chest

"How are you feeling?" I ask, looking her in the eye "Do you want something to eat? Or some water?"

She gives me a sad smile "I'm okay. What about you?"

I want to answer the truth, 'I'll be better when you're better', but that will probably make her feel bad about herself.

"I'm doing alright" I reply "Got my chick in my arms, doesn't get any better than that"

Then she smiles at me, and I smile back, this is not her usual smile, but it's an honest one, and just the fact that I managed to make her lips curve slightly upwards is a win to me.

She kisses me gently on the lips and buries her head back on my chest afterwards. I rub her back and close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of having her so close to me.

She needs to get better man, no matter what. Just the thought of her trying to attempt something against herself is enough to make me fucking sick. Can't live without her, I just can't.

I know there's a huge chance of her getting upset, but I need to try and talk her into getting to therapy again, I can't lose her.

"Jackie, I…" I start, but I'm interrupted by a knock at the door. The room is dark, but I can recognize Donna's blonde head peeking inside.

"Hyde, Mrs. Forman is on the phone for you" She says, and I sigh, kissing the top of Jackie's head and getting out of the bed.

"You want to talk to her too?" I ask, knowing what her answer will be

"No, thanks" She says "If she asks…"

"Tell her you're asleep" I complete her sentence, and she sighs and nods

"It's alright, you don't have to talk if you're not comfortable, relax" I say, she thanks me and I kiss her one last time before leaving her room.

Forman's on the phone and he looks relieved when I show up.

"Hyde's here mom" He says into the phone "I love you too, talk to you tomorrow"

He passes the phone to me and lightly pats my shoulder before going to the kitchen with Donna.

"Mrs. Forman?"

"Steven!" I hear her voice from the other side of the line, and I can't repress a small smile "How are you honey?"

"I'm…" I started, I was going to lie and say I'm fine, but what's the point? Mrs. Forman can read me like a book "I've been better"

"Oh honey…" She sighs "Is this about Jackie?"

"Isn't it always?" I say "I hate seeing her like this, she's getting worse"

"Steven…"

"Look Mrs. Forman… I don't know what else to do" I confess

"Don't let her close up on you" She responds "Ask her how she's doing, listen to her no matter what, and for the love of God, please try and talk that girl into going to therapy"

"She doesn't want to, I tried, and she closes up on me whenever I mention it" I say, not being able to hide my frustration

"Well, we're going to have to do something about that" Mrs. Forman says "She's never getting better if she doesn't recognizes she needs therapy"

"I know that" I reply dejectly "It's just not easy"

"I know it's not easy, honey. When was the last time this girl left the apartment?"

"Uhhh… I think it was on her last day of work. Why?"

"You should try and take her out" She suggests kindly

"Mrs. Forman, Jackie's barely leaving her bed. I don't think she'll want to get all dolled up just so I can take her for dinner and a movie"

"Not like that" She says "Just… take her for a walk at the park or something, she needs the fresh air, it'll do her good"

"I still don't think she'll be up for it" I reply

"Insist" She says "Fresh air helps, it really does. It'll be good for her, I promise"

"Fine" I say, and I can hear Mrs. Forman's celebratory claps from the other side of the line.

Then she starts to give me more and more advice on what to do, and I glance at Jackie's closed bedroom door.

This fresh air thing better work, because I'm running out of options.

JACKIE

He's better off without me, maybe I should just break up with him and set him free.

Sometimes… Sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to literally everyone I know. That I bring everyone down with me and that they would all be better off without me. Steven is not working because he wants to be with me, Donna's been studying less because she's worried about me, and Eric hasn't been in Point Place since the day I had that last nightmare.

I'm screwing with their lives; I'm robbing them from their future. What kind of person does that make me?

Every single day I find myself wondering how everyone's lives would be if I hadn't been born. Mom would definitely be a lot happier, and maybe daddy would still be alive. He could've had another family, a nicer wife, a couple of kids, and he probably wouldn't have gone to prison. I know that part of the reason why he started embezzling was the pressure of keeping up with my mom's (and mine's) expensive life-style.

Steven would probably be happier too. He would date one of those punk girls, who are nothing like me, and party a lot. He wouldn't be spending every single day worrying about me, feeling bad because his girlfriend is useless.

Eric, Michael, Fez and Donna would also be happier. I know they're worried about me too. Also, I don't think my presence had any impact on their lives, they would be just fine without me.

I tried talking to Steven about that a while ago, but he got sad and made me promise I wouldn't talk about myself that way again. I've been respecting his wishes, I haven't said a single self-deprecating thing to him ever since that day, but my thoughts about me are still the same they were back then, if not worse.

I literally hate myself. I hate myself because it's my fault my dad's dead. I should've convinced him not to leave protective custody, I should've fought harder with him about that, but I didn't, and now I will never see him again. I hate myself because the person I love more than anything in this world left his whole life behind to come take care of me, because I'm a useless piece of trash, I hate myself for still holding on to that tiny bit of selfishness I still have and not let him go. I hate myself for making my friends sad, I can barely remember the last time I've seen Donna smiling, and Eric's been more serious, way less dorky. I feel like I took away all their happiness.

But most of all, I hate myself because I can't get better.

I just can't. I tried so hard, but even the tiniest thing makes me so tired. I'm getting worse, and I know I'm getting worse, but I just don't want to do anything about it. What's the point anyways?

If I go to therapy like Steven has been asking me too, I just know I will end up like my uncle. And I don't want that. If I'm going to die, let it at least be on my own terms.

Yeah, that's another thought that I should probably tell someone about, but I won't, because it's not like I can do anything about it.

I'm really starting to think that things would be better off if I was dead. Everyone would be sad for a while, but they'd get over it with time, right?

I don't really believe in heaven or hell, if I did, I don't think I would be that sad, because I would be able to get comfort by telling myself that daddy's in a better place.

My dad is not in a better place. My dad just… stopped existing, because a bastard took him away from me. He's worm food now, and that's it.

Death doesn't sound that scary when I think about it. If I kill myself, I'm not going to see my dad again, I'm not going to see anyone again, but I like to think that feeling nothing, that ceasing to exist, is better than feeling the way I'm feeling now.

I'm not saying that I want to die, or that I'm going to try to take my own life, I still have that little selfish side, that keeps telling me that if I die, Steven will not get over it, and that he'll probably get just as bad as I am now.

The other side, the rational one, the selfless one, tells me that everyone would be better off without me. I genuinely believe that, but every time I think about doing something, the selfish side just keeps screaming 'Steven' over and over in my head, and I just give up.

He was here with me up until half an hour ago, Mrs. Forman called and she wanted to speak with him.

My bed feels empty now, I miss having him by my side. But I can't force him to stay in bed with me all day, besides, Mrs. Forman is his mother and he enjoys talking to her.

She always asks to speak with me too, but I always ask Steven to tell her I'm asleep. I love Mrs. Forman dearly and I know she's also worried about me, but I know that she'll try to convince me into going to therapy, and she'll probably also ask for me to tell her how I'm feeling, and I can't do that now.

I'm currently laying on my bed in my dark bedroom, staring at the wall. I can't sleep, I woke up from a nap not that long ago, so I'm just… existing, I guess.

Then Steven barges inside my room, looking determined.

"Alright Jackie, that's it" I hear his voice, and I groan when he opens up my window and the sun hits me in the face "Let's go outside, go for a walk before it gets dark, just the two of us"

I sigh, I'm really not in the mood to leave my bed "Steven I…"

"Just for a few minutes" He says, sitting next to me "I know it's tough for you dollface, but let's get a little bit of fresh air"

"Steven…"

"C'mon, it's a nice day outside" He continues, taking my hand and helping me out the bed "Let's take a walk at the park, just us, like you always nagged me to do… Remember? You always said that it was romantic"

"I'm just really tired and…" I try to argue again, but he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, and I melted

"Please?" He says "I'm asking nicely. Then we can come back and you'll get all the rest you want; I'll even give you a back rub"

"I…" I start, ready to deny his request again, but then I look at his pleading face and reluctantly nod "I'll try"

"Thanks doll" He says, smiling and kissing my forehead "I'll wait for you in the living room"

"Stay" I say, grabbing his hand "You can help me choose an outfit"

"Alright" He smiles, and I go to my closet. I really, really don't want to leave the apartment, but how can I say no to the man who's literally the reason why I'm still alive?

"Thank you for doing this," Steven says, kissing my temple as we entered the apartment again.

We stayed for almost an hour just walking around the park. It wasn't as unpleasant as I thought it would be, we held hands all the time and the fresh air was good, but I also feel like Steven was expecting more.

We shared a pretzel and we only came back home now because it's starting to get dark, surprisingly, I wasn't in a rush to leave.

It's weird though, I was kind of enjoying our walk, but now that I'm finally home, I'm exhausted.

"It was cool" I say with a small smile "You had a point; the fresh air is good"

He smiles and pulls me into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around me.

"I just want you to know that I know this was hard for you, thank you for going, I really appreciate that" He says in his sweet voice, and I feel my eyes watering. God, he's too good for me.

"Thank you for not leaving me" I say, kissing the left side of his chest, where his heart is "You are the best boyfriend in the whole world"

He kisses me gently on the lips, cupping my face on his hands.

"Why don't you go take that shower now? I'll get some food ready and then I'll give you that backrub" He suggests it, and I nod, kissing him one more time before going to the bathroom.

The shower was overall pretty quick. I take quick showers now. I can't even remember the last time I put on a hair mask or lit one of my special candles.

I wrap my hair on a towel when I'm done, and I'm about to leave when I hear voices coming from the living room.

"You managed to get her outside?" I hear Donna's voice, and I press my ear against the bathroom door. I know that eavesdropping is bad, but old habits die hard, besides, they're probably talking about me.

"Yup" I hear Steven's voice "Took me a while to convince her, but I managed it"

"Wow" Donna says "This was probably the first time she left the house ever since she got that license from work. How was she?"

"Alright, I guess"

"You guess?"

"We walked for a while, but she didn't do the cute Jackie things that she always did on the rare times she convinced me to have a walk with her" He responds "She didn't say we were the better looking couple of the park, she didn't point out all the ducks that were in the pond, she barely even nagged me when I lit up a cigarette near her man, and she always nags me"

"Well, at least you got her out of the apartment"

"I hate seeing her like this, man. I feel like crap" He vents, and my eyes well up with tears, the last thing I want is for Steven to feel bad "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do now, I'm trying so hard, but she keeps getting worse"

I hate making him feel bad. It's what I said before, I make the people I love feel bad about themselves, and I really don't want that.

"It fucking kills me, she's falling apart right in front of me and I'm fucking useless, I can't stop it. I would give anything to have my old Jackie back, man. Anything" He says, and I have to put my hand on my mouth to try and control my upcoming sobs. I don't want them to hear me crying.

"I know" Donna says sympathetically "We just… We just have to keep trying"

I don't want to hear the rest of it, I know they're worried about me because they love me, but hearing them talking about how much they're hurting because of me is torture.

I got out of the bathroom quietly and went to my room, hopefully no one heard me and I'll get to be alone for a while.

I bury my head on my pillow and try my hardest to keep my sobs in. Steven seems to have a third sense when it comes to me crying. Every time I cry, he always pops up and hugs me until I feel better.

But for the first time in a while, I don't want him to hold me, not for now, because it'll only make me feel worse.

Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do, I can't seem to block that annoying little voice in the back of my mind, the voice that keeps repeating non-stop:

'You're poison, and they'll be better off without you'

A/N: Okay, I know things are pretty bad right now, but trust me when I say they're getting better soon.

The next chapter is sad, even sadder than this one, but after that chapter, things will start changing for the best, I promise.

To all the people that left me nice comments/reviews/messages on tumblr: THANK YOU. I was starting to get a little upset because some people are losing interest in this story (even though is totally normal, and honestly, not unexpected), and it really means a lot to me that there are also people who are liking what I'm writing.

Seriously, it really means a lot.

If this story is triggering you or making you uncomfortable, please stop reading it. I have plenty of fluffy and nice stories for you to check out!

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See you guys next week!