"You ready?" I asked Don, voice barely above a whisper.
"No," My friend muttered back, looking past me.
"I knew you were a daft bastard, but this," This took the biscuit. Duelling wasn't illegal within the army, but it was frowned upon. I don't like them. But you know, I'd just beat the bugger into submission or kill them outright, no faffing about with duels.
Don sighed, "I've known you a long time, John. You should know by now that I'm not going to stand by when some pumped up prat bad mouths you."
"And if this goes tits up?"
"Tell Ingreet I died well and I did it with a smile on my face."
I groaned, telling him he wasn't allowed to die. Now, some of you may be wonder how a pure-born like Don could possible die, seeing how our bodies heal as they do. Well, you need someone like me who not only has the ability to grant immortality, but to take it away too. Not many of us can, plenty that can preform the conversion, but only about 200 of us can strip it.
Anyway, the stripping process is a lot less painful than the conversion, it's what happens after that that hurts. Both parties have to prove that they are mortal and there is only one way we do that.
I looked Don in the eyes, having now stripped both him the Baron. "Are you ready?"
He nodded and I slipped my bayonet between his ribs, which pained me as much as it did him. The wound failed to heal and not because of low energy, he was basically human, he was mortal.
I pressed the pistol into Don's shaking hand and guided him to the also bleeding Baron Gappoure, then stood to the side along with Zimmerman and Zecht, and Gappoure's second.
With each man at their mark, I took position with a handkerchief between my fingers. "As no apology has been put forward by Baron Gappoure, we'll begin. Both men will fire when I drop this, may honour be satisfied."
I glanced at Don, mouthed 'kill the bastard' and dropped the cloth.
There was only one shot, as I knew there would be. Baron Gappoure dropped with a neat hole punched through his throat. The man lay gurgling. Bloody bubbled popping at his lips.
Gappoure's seconds called foul, Don had shot before the handkerchief had left my fingers. This was utter bullshit, which the two accepted when Menacat and Collinson shouldered their arms.
Vixen too had his hand around his great-sword's hilt.
The two doctors were at work, well, Zecht was. He was busy cleaning the bayonet wound I'd caused, in preparation for stitching. It would have to fully heal before I could attempt the conversion again.
I went to him before he was taken away. I gripped his hand and squeezed it, "Good shot, and don't think this gives you an excuse to skive."
My friend grinned, "Miss a chance to skive, not a chance." He was quickly taken away and we were left to take Gappoure's body back.
I squared things up with Marius, then me and Vixen went back to the château. "You up for a quick drink, brother?"
"Yes, Sir. Nice to sit down with Vexa too."
"If she doesn't kill us first for the interruption last night."
Turns out she wasn't holding a grudge and was instead in a large wooden tub. She'd demanded that a servant draw her a bath and wasn't happy until they did. They got that water scolding hot, my wife looked like a lobster. And no matter how many time Vixen protested, Vexa would not get out and get dresses. Did I also mention that she had the tub placed in the living room of our accommodation.
"Vixen, we used to bathe together as children, you've seen nothing of me that I haven't seen of you," The redhead tilted her near empty glass of wine towards her brother, "Don't be a prude and Jonathon, dear." She waved the glass, wanting a re-fill.
As I refilled her glass, a servant came by with another pail of hot water to add to the tub.
Vexa stretched with a moan, kicking a leg up and sprayed me with a little. She smirked at me with a childish glint in her eyes.
I knew what she was wanting, but not when Vixen and the servants were present. I instead played with her toes for a little. Seeing as her feet are ticklish, I had fun.
"Are you ticklish, my love?" I teased, fingers dancing over the soles of her feet.
"You damn well know I am," Vexa managed through the giggles and smacked me with her free hand. I continued anyway making sure my wife's tootsies well and truly played with.
The rest of our time was spent reminiscing, the Kellantine siblings being more than a tad homesick. The topic turning to our favourite places within Drangleic, mine remaining Heide. Everywhere else in Drangleic could burn.
Vexa tutted, "I wish you wouldn't bad mouth our homeland. Apart from the undead, the monsters and that bitch, it was quite lovely."
There was no response I could give, other than outright agree, that would be correct. Of course I gave the 'wrong' answer, in my continued crusade to wind up my wife.
"What about that little stream we used to take Siegnette to, you loved to relax and watch her play there."
"What I loved about that is that I was with my wife and daughter. Yes it was a pretty area, but there are spots in Erebay that will blow that stream out the water," I was standing my ground. Vexa was wrong and I wasn't going to let her win.
Vexa pouted, "You and I are going to have a falling out, Jonathon."
Yes, a horrid little falling out that could only be sorted by hot and passionate love making that would follow later that evening. One day Vexa might've broken me, might have.
I smiled as sweetly as I could, "You were the best part, my love...after Lucatiel, of course."
My wife scooped up a handful of water, then threw it at me. There was a smile on her face at least, and an evil intent in those green eyes.
Vixen finished his drink and made his excuses to leave. I walked him back out; the sky had turned grey, thick clouds looked pregnant. We were due rain anyway.
"Vexa's missing home a lot more than she's letting on, so keep an eye her," Vixen asked. He played with the cuff of his shirt until I replied, not that I really need to. I thought it was pretty obvious that I would make sure she was alright.
"I will, brother."
The brute smiled softly and walked off, entering the door to one of the numerous public-houses. I'd perhaps join him, if I could get away from the wife.
When I returned to the room I found that Vexa was not longer alone in the tub. Siegnette had finally crawled out of bed and had joined her mother, trying to soak off the hangover she'd incurred. Katie had also joined them. So three of them were squeezed in and still more water was being added. Vexa was taking full advantage of the Catarinian's hospitality.
"Nice to see we're all being productive, Ladies." I pulled my tunic on, we still had drills to go through. The Army was supposed to march for the Catarinian electorates, this also meant that we had to fix our uniforms. That was going to be fun.
Siegnette fixed me with a bloodshot stare, "There are three women in a state of undress, Father. Please stop looking."
I shook my head and turned my back on them. "I have seen your mother naked more times than I can count, sweetness. Me and your auntie used to change in front of each other frequently," I turned back around, mimicking Vexa speech to Vixen,"And you, sweetness. I have clothed you and bathed you, there isn't an inch I haven't seen of you over the years."
My daughter covered her nakedness and sunk below the waterline, only her eyes and the top of her head were visible. A trail of bubbles left her mouth as she mumbled a curse.
"Hey, don't think I can't read your lips and if you keep blowing bubbles like that, I might think you're doing something else," I smirked.
Siegnette sprung up, spraying water everywhere. "Father! I would never bre-brea-break," She stuttered, unable to bring herself to say it. It then dawned on her that she'd just presented her nakedness to me. My daughter dropped back under the water with an almighty splash.
"You'd better get out of here, Jonathon," Vexa smirked, "Before Siegnette boils over." A cheeky wink followed.
With my dog-lock now on my shoulder, I jogged off to join my company. Our Corporals swanning about, waiting for the orders to make us fall in. A local brewer came around us, offering a small sample of wheat-beer. The fellow was built like one of his kegs, wore heavy scarring too. I'll admit, I wouldn't want to take him one on one and luckily I wouldn't need to.
The 'nightingale' calls of our Corporals yelled for us to form up, "The Third will form column and will quick march to the green outside the town. Move it, you bloody idlers."
A good few hours drill felt good, especially after doing nothing but marching for so long. Most of the lads were more interested in the gossip surrounding the duel.
"It were a neat shot, straight through Gappoure's neck. But what else would you expect from Don?"
I recounted, "And Marius' decided that turn a blind eye. We'll have our resident skiver back without any repercussions."
The closest Corporal started bawling at me. Talking in ranks, how could I? Not even their Emperor was safe from the wrath of the NCOs, as you are all well aware. Nothing too exciting really, so I won't bore you with any more of the details.
When we had finished, and I had returned to the château, I found both my wife and daughter fully dressed and looking beautiful, as always.
Vexa had invited herself to a party and was dragging Siegnette along with her. This meant I was free for the evening, so I joined Vixen in the pub.
The place was stinking of stale ale, piss and smoke. The brute was surrounded by some of the Dranglein natives that had followed us, all of them pissed out their skulls and singing. I joined in, after grabbing a pint myself.
"The engineers are hard at work. Have you seen them, brother?" I leant across the table, "Cutting down trees, the hell are they making?"
"Bridging pieces, sir. When Gwyn was in power, he had a great bridge built as a means of direct travel," Vixen traced a line between his tankard and mine, "Between the two coastlines."
'Must have been one hell of a structure', I thought to myself and when we got to it, it was. It was an all marble construction, or so I was led to believe. Marius had sent out scouts out, that meant we were stuck in Catarina for as long as it took them to get back.
Vixen snagged the closest bar-maid and ordered more booze and, I know this is might be hard to swallow but, I declined.
The brute looked shocked.
"Got tomorrow off and depending on how plumb-dumb your sister gets tonight, I may or may not be climbing yonder mountain tomorrow with her," I looked out the window, it was a beast and I was looking forward to conquering it.
I finished my swift half and went back to the accommodation. It was quiet, except the crackling fire and something going on outside. The bedroom smelled of Vexa, the bed even more so which I had collapsed on and was busy enjoying the proper goose-down sheets. Oh sweet comfort, how I had missed it. Not like my tent was lacking anything, just little things like bedding.
A yawn left my lips and it wasn't long before my eyes slowly closed. It was a pleasant if dreamless sleep, interrupted by Siegnette once again.
"Father!" My daughter yelled, "Help me with Mother. Please, she's heavy."
The scathing remand from Vexa after had me in stitches. My wife was, of course, pissed out her skull, but proved that her ears still worked.
I slipped off the bed and ran to my struggling daughter. "You are heavy, it's that fat arse of yours. And remember that you are taller and more physically capable than our daughter."
"Hey! I'm not that weak, I did just haul Mother up three flights of stairs," My little girl defended herself. She was strong, I'd give her that. Been strong since she was little, idle but strong.
I took all of Vexa's weight off of Siegnette and taking control. "You go to bed, sweetness. I'll make sure your Mother also gets to bed."
My daughter breathed a sigh of relief, not longer having to deal with the drunk.
"Come on, my love," I groaned, gently throwing Vexa onto the bed. She curled up on her side and started half talking/half laughing in a rambunctious manner. Took her a good hour before my wife had quietened down.
I was woken by a servant around 4.10. The sun wasn't quite up yet, but the horizon was a vibrant golden red. I stretched out, splashed a bit of water on my face and got my kit on.
Outside, I stood chewing on a bread-roll, each mouthful was like eating saw-dust. There were several more tucked away in my haversack, along with several water-skins.
"Father," Yawned my daughter, trudging up behind me. Fully dressed too.
I blinked a few times, "Do you even comprehend what time it is, sweetness?"
"Oh, shut up, Father!" Siegnette folded her arms, "Anyway, I'm coming with you."
"And where's that you're coming to?"
"Wherever you're going to," Siegnette unfolded her arms, linking one with mine, "Am I not allowed to spend time with you now?"
Knowing she'd just whine if I said no and come anyway, and I couldn't really pass up the opportunity to spend time with my daughter, I nodded. "You're Mother ain't going to stir until afternoon, so why not. I could do with the company."
Siegnette looked me straight in the eyes and told me regardless of what I had told her, she would have still followed me.
"I know, you've your mother stubbornness," I smiled.
"Yours too, Father. You're as as bad as each other at time," Siegnette shook her head with a smirk. The cheek she'd definitely gotten from Vexa.
"You sure you want to come with me, I'm off up there," I eyed the summit, apparently a path had been cut all the way up to the top. One of the local lords liked climbing them and wanted an easier means to get up. The paths were mainly trampled dirt, good enough though.
There was a sweetness in the air, with a hint on moisture. Possible rain on the way, but that didn't bother me. Siegnette on the other hand…
"We're turning back if it rains, right?"
I slowly shook my head, "Oh, my sweet child. If we turned back every time it started the rain, we'd have never left home."
"Fine," Siegnette blew air through her lips.
I laughed, "You remember when you were little, you said you wanted to grow up to be like me and your Mother?"
My daughter nodded.
"Yes, well this is what me and your Mother like doing, come rain or shine. So, you're going to have to put up with a little rain," I squeezed her hand. It didn't take long for her to start puffing and panting, and complaining about how her breeches were chaffing, that she was too hot.
She quietened when I revealed that one of the water-skins was in fact filled with beer and I was willing to share it with her, if she stopped whining and enjoyed herself. You know what, it didn't work. In fact Siegnette took offence.
"Don't try and bribe me!" My daughter pouted, "I'll whine if I want to whine."
She was turning more into Vexa with every passing day.
"I'll still have some of that beer though," She held her arm outstretched.
Yes, very much like her mother and she was beginning to drink like the Kellantine siblings, and myself too. I snatched the skin back before she could drain the whole thing, only I could finish it. I had paid for it after all. The whining did cease after though, so my plan worked.
Up and up we climbed, passing a few isolated 'hunter's' shacks. At least that's what I thought they were.
The rain came, although it wasn't heavy. Wasn't even what I'd call a mist. Just little spots of wet every now and again.
From my haversack I took one of the rolls and handed it off to my daughter, who had a similar reaction to the bread that I had.
She pulled a face, "You go on ahead, Father. I'll catch you up."
"You alright, sweetness?"
Siegnette growled and pulled another face, "I need to pee, Father. So go!"
I nodded, "Be quick then, and watch out for wild animals. You know how they react to seeing a full moon during the day."
My daughter scowled, swore and lobbed the half-chewed bread-roll at me. Thing is, I wasn't having a joke at my daughter's expense. On our way to Venn, Myself, Lucatiel and co, Vixen had gone off to take a shit. Not long after he left he was back, arse a blur and three basilisks chasing after him. Myself and Lucatiel were pissing ourself with laughter. He returned to the camp a little time later both covered in basilisk blood and looking relieved.
Anyway, Siegnette did catch up with me and chewed my ear off for being vulgar. She had taken her tunic off and was rolled up under her arm, she was wearing an under-shirt thankfully. If it were Vexa it might have been a different story.
After she had gotten over my 'vulgarity', we started chatting. Nothing really of note, mainly about Drangleic, Lordran, Erebay, her auntie Shanalotte etc. so on and so forth.
After the rain stopped the day was pleasant, if a little cloudy. Siegnette's whining toned down significantly and I was impressed that she pushed on like she did. I was proud of my daughter, she was giving it her all. Granted she was sweating buckets and looked like she'd just taken a dip in the river, but she was doing well considering her physical abilities at the time.
We reached the summit a little before mid-day and sat eating our dinner, for which I had lifted a pie from the château's kitchens. A nice pie too, game-pie. Very rich in flavour and the filling wasn't dry, which was great. I don't thing Sieg was too keen on it, but she wasn't one to pass up free food very much like her old man.
After finishing her half of the pie, Siegnette started to take in the views. You could see for miles and miles. I believe the mountain was taller than the one Drangleic castle was built upon. By how much, I don't know. It was big though.
After a good forty minutes or so we started our descent, finding at the bottom an angry Vexa. How dare we leave without her, and how dare we leave her to fight off her hangover alone, how dare we hand fun whilst she spent several hours hunched over a bucket throwing up her guts.
"I really wanted to go with you," She pouted, holding me in a death grip, which she had held me in from the moment we returned.
Tilting my head to meet her eyes, I smiled warmly. "We're going to be here a while longer, my love. We can tackle it on my next day off," I rubbed my hand up and down her arm. This placated her for a moment, but she was soon back to the death grip. For the rest of that day I was forced to cuddle her and promise that I would never leave her like that again.
Vexa nuzzled her cheek against mine and asked, "Did Siegnette have fun?"
"After she stopped moaning," I smirked, "She did well though. Very much taking after you, in more ways than one."
"Got your stubbornness though."
I nodded, true. Our daughter remained the topic of conversation for awhile. Then we went out, because she wanted me to spoil her. After that I settled into the routine whilst we waited for however long it would take. And it would be a while longer, the scouts returned with reports of damage to the bridge. The Fifth and the Engineers went out the following day and it was a further month before they had finished.
Me and Vex tackled a few of the other mountains in that time. All of them as enjoyable as the first, but that was more because we were doing it together.
Then we were marching out, full parade for the Electorates of Catarina. They were all on elevated platforms, some dressed in full plate, others too fat to even try. They wore colours of every shade and hue you could imagine, whilst we were all in our faded black and purple uniforms, with patches of coarse brown wool patching the holes.
Our Grenadier's company band was playing as we marched. Some rather fancy music too, fancy enough to distract everyone from our shoddy uniforms.
Children marched alongside up, at least until their mother's took them by the ear and told them off. Not one of them happy for their children to be emulating us that had done nothing more than take up space, be drunken nuisances, eat all their food, shag the local women etc.
Anyway, the music died away and we left the warm hearths and comfort of Catarina, and marched on to the bridge.
As I said earlier, the bridge was an absolute marvel of engineering and craftsmanship. Well, it would have been in it's prime. It now had our engineer's additions on it, looking like ugly growths.
It was a long march across the bridge, with no-where to stop, and we were exposed to all the elements. Honestly, four seasons in one day and not the Crowded House version, which I would have very much preferred. But no, that would be a very long while off.
None of us were happy, but marched on regardless. I caught a bloody cold and was sniffling for days, along with a throat filled with razorblades and a cough that could bring down a castle's walls.
The sooner we were somewhere sheltered the better.
My shoes gave way again, so apart from the cold, I was forced to walk barefoot. This I don't think I need to explain was painful. The only way I got a new pair was when the bloke next to me dropped dead from the elements, and there was a good fight over who got them. I cheated, but got a nice new pair of shoes. I may have been utterly bollocked by my Sergeant afterwards though.
The days continued to be long, the nights ever longer and I was soon missing Vexa and Siegnette.
Did it get any better when we reached the other side, it started raining and didn't stop. We lost more guns crossing another set of bloody mountains, set on by wolves (although the beasts were easily dispatched), and nearly had an ancient, crumbling asylum collapse on top of us as we were passing by.
Don was back with us by then, his wounds healed and divinity returned. I'm glad too, because things got even worse.
We were forced to march through a densely packed forest. A path had been cut through the trees, not that I would personally call it that. Tight as a Nun's arsehole, and perhaps you can guess what's going to happen.
My friend looked at me with his eyes narrowed. "You can smell them, can't you?" He asked, taking the dog-lock from his shoulder.
I could smell something that wasn't us, we all could. The problem was we couldn't see or hear anything other than the woodland.
"The Third will halt," We were ordered, as were the others in front and behind. The column was then split, one would give a volley to the left and the second to the right.
The order then came to present and fire. Every musket emptied into the trees, birds scattered above and the green-brown was replaced with dull grey.
"Every second man will fix bayonets, the rest will reload their arms!"
I was part of the reload group and my musket was already back at my shoulder. The men with the bayonets stepped out in front and knelt. We could see them, not well, but the silhouettes at least. Whoever they were, they were really well hidden.
They loosed their missiles as we fired our second volley. Bugger knows if we hit one of them, but they outright killed several brave Imperial soldiers. It's not nice was to go, a bolt or javelin stuck through you.
Then as soon as they had appeared they were gone. We were left to quickly bury our dead and continue marching onward. We were harassed several more times, and not just the Third. Just about every company got hit by these ghosts. A fine welcome to Lordran.
Once out of the forest there was mile after mile of ash covered plains with great dead arch-trees dotted all over and in the very distance, high atop a mountain, was the great city of the gods, Anor Londo.
If I recall, Gwynervere or had it been Velka, doesn't matter, had to told me an army was besieging Anor Londo. That had been a good year and half before, so either we were going to find evidence of an army that had given up and gone home, a great big breech and ruined city or an army still in the process of besieging the city.
We were all hoping that there'd be no-one was there, for all the good that the time in Catarina had served, we were all sick and tired, and even with all the drilling in no fit shape for a fight.
Well, dear reader, you know our luck by now. The scouts returned with news of the besieging army hadn't broken from its assault and had formed up to face us.
"The scouts seem to think there's at least a hundred thousand, combined arms. Pikemen, halberdiers, archers, crossbowmen, light and heavy cavalry with a squadron of lancers," Marius stood hunched over the officer's table, palms flat against the surface. He looked up, eyes bloodshot. "And there's a hell of a lot of wytches amongst them," The Viscount sighed, poured himself a brandy and swallowed it in one gulp, "Ideas gentlemen?"
"Divide them and wear them down," A Colonel suggested.
Marius shook his head, "We don't have the powder left for attrition."
Another coughed and suggested that we flank them and give them a good few volleys up the backside. This too was shot down, the enemy army was nestled snugly between the walls of Anor Londo and the adjacent mountain. We weren't getting behind them and any commander worth their salt was going to expose their flanks.
Marius sighed and poured himself another brandy. He looked at me reluctantly, "Any ideas, Your Majesty?"
I shrugged, "You don't pay me to think, only to shoot, stab and follow orders."
The brandy snifter that was in Marius' hand, smashing in front of me. "Don't be bloody smart!" The Viscount lost it, "We need to get in there and that means getting past that army!"
"We can't fight in the state we are. We don't have the powder, over half our guns are gone. A third of the men are laid out with sickness, for the love of…" I cradled my head in my hands, "We want to get these boys home, not bury them here."
To think, when we left Majula with colours flying, music sweet in the air, all full of hope and the thoughts of being home.
"By the Empress, I'll have every one of you damned idlers flogged!" The Viscount chose next to throw the decanter of brandy and was promptly restrained by three of the other officers.
I plucked a shard of broken glass from my face and stared Marius down. "You flog them and you'll find yourself with a mutiny," I tried to keep my voice calm, "The only way we can fight whoever they are is head on. I can only hope they all shit themselves and run when they hear what's left of our guns."
Suicide was a word coming to mind, but as I said I'm not a strategist. We could always parley with them, but that could jeopardies our deal with the gods of Lordran.
I looked over to Lord Bannier, "I'll speak to the men as their Emperor. I got them all into this, it's only fair that I ask them to commit suicide for me." The Lord could barely look me in the eyes as he nodded.
My attention then went back Marius. "You need sleep," I kept looking at him, but addressed one of the officers restraining the Viscount, "Get him to Zimmerman and Zecht, and make sure he rests."
I left the tent, going back to my own and steeled myself. Vexa didn't even need to ask what was wrong, just knew, and embraced me tightly.
"Tell them the truth, John. Inspire them,"My wife spoke softly, "You owe them that."
I nodded and found my nicest, least patchy uniform and put it on. There was a little food on our table, I needed all the energy I could get.
Back outside I created as many wraiths as was possible, which was taxing as all hell. Once they were ready we all got into position amongst the different companies. I was of course with the Third, standing next to Lord Bannier.
"Lads," I tried to catch each and everyone's eyes, "We've a fight coming. We are horribly outnumbered, we're in the worst possible place to attack from, our resources are just about gone, and as you all well know, we've a plague running through camp. For us to complete our job we have to get past that army. We all know we're in not state to fight them, but we have no choice. Some of you won't be able to see your families or Erebay again."
I could see them all standing uneasily. They all knew it and didn't need it spelled out by me.
"I'll still be there with you and you know I'll kill as many of the bastards as I can, and I expect you all to do the same."
There was no resounding cheer, not even a deflated whimper. Only silence.
Don found me after the men were disbanded, "That were a lot of shite, old boy. But at least you didn't go all soppy and sentimental...not all the way anyway."
"Well it's a good thing I'm not paid to make speeches, ain't it?" I rolled my eyes and invited him back to my tent for a quick drink.
Vexa gave me a look as I peeled back the tent flap. "You were supposed to inspire them, not depress them," She poured two glasses, handing one to Don and downing the other herself. After fixing my own drink, I sat down and prepared myself further for the coming battle.
For the first time in awhile I couldn't sleep, happened every night before we were to fight. Before the Field of Bronze, before we fought the Volgans, before we retook Boletaria.
The weather wasn't promising either, heavily overcast. At least it wasn't raining, so our dog-locks would fire.
A little before 8 we were called to form up, the weather deciding to add a strong gale to the mix. Standards were noisily flapping this way and that, officers, Sergeants and Corporals were shouting themselves hoarse just to be heard over the wind.
I checked over my weapon again and again, every new inspection had me thinking something else was wrong. What if the flint broke? Or the cock failed to fall forwards? Or the hammer failed to spark? What if…
"Will you knock it off!" Don snapped, "You're more likely to break it, faffing about like that. Leave the damned thing be and relax a little."
I tried, but then the shaking started. A quick fag managed to stop it to an extent, and a quick nip of rum settled the rest.
Our battlefield was a large copse, the ground half swamp of stinking, sucking mud. It was going to be murder to manoeuvre, especially around the large bodies of water than had pooled all over.
In the distance the enemy stood motionless and Marius hadn't been kidding when he said there were thousands of them. The ballistae had me a little worry, they had hundreds of them; we only had twenty cannon left in comparison.
The Third Company's pikemen had finished forming up between us, ready to deter cavalry and to keep any gaps, we musket men forced, open.
Markus' heavy cavalry were behind us. Over half of them had let their armour oxidise, they were a beautiful copper green. Their lances were ready to taste the enemy's blood.
I caught the dandy's eye and he returned a stiff nod in my direction, the squadron then riding off towards the flanks.
The drums started up, along with the Grenadier's band and we started to march. Slow and steady over the uneven ground, mud already coming up to our ankles. Slugs, leeches, mosquito were all over the shop. Big as well, not your garden variety. Reminded me of the slug in the Valley of Defilement, so of course my skin was crawling.
Our fife and drums started playing louder the closer we got to the enemy, and that's when the cannon started to sing and a fat lot of good they were. The cannonballs screamed over us only to plough into the soft mud and were quickly swallowed. The few that successfully skipped tore up huge clods of earth and smashed through a few ranks of men-at-arms.
From the rear of the enemy formations, the archers and bowmen replied in kind. The air was alive with allow and bolt.
"If any of you bastards duck, I will have you shot where you stand," One of our Sergeants yelled, as the first of the arrows fell in front of us. It would be the second volley that would hit us and with no shields or armour to protect us, we looked like walking pin cushions. I personally took a bolt to the thigh which I promptly snapped and kept on walking. The Sergeants and Corporals were yelling again, "If you are still able to walk and fire your weapon, then keep moving! You are Erebayan men, you aren't scared of blunt twigs like these!" Said Sergeant then pulled an arrow from his shoulder and believe me when I tell you it looked painful.
But on we marched, the ground becoming slightly firmer and by that I mean you could stand on it for a couple of seconds before it started to suck you down. However, we were now in range of their ballistae and my goodness when one of those bolts landed you knew about it. One nearly took Don's balls off.
Our own gunners had readjusted their aim and were landing more shots on target, decimating the men-at-arms in the front ranks. Some broke formation and ran, and were cut down by those behind them. All the rest though stood, and made no indication of turning tail and running.
Slowly the enemy began to whittle away at our forces, the failed to stop us however. The hail of bolt and arrows got heavier, and was joined by the 'miracles' and 'spells' of both clerics and wytches.
"The Third will halt and present!" We were ordered, all whilst being pelted with every missile under the sun. Our standard barer caught a lightening bolt, he and the standard going up in flames.
"Give fire, you bastard! Give fire!"
We volleyed once, staggered from right to left. Other companies were more uniform in their firing, but it didn't seem to have the effect we'd desired. After reloading we fired upon the enemy again, the pikemen breaking formation and rushing down the enemy ranks.
After the third volley, the order to fix bayonets was given. The drummers slowed down edging us forward, gleaming bayonets aimed squarely at the fuckers in front of us.
A familiar drum-beat started and it was as all hell let loose. We screamed, cursed, whooped and hollered, all our frustrations let go of.
I had my eyes on one man, and this man became the sole focus of my hatred. I never did get to him though.
My vision lit up with a searing white light and it burned like nothing I'd felt before. I lost my feet under me and hit the ground. "To the Emperor! Protect his Majesty!" I heard them shout around me, firing guns left and right.
"John!? Johnny!?" Don started dragging me away, trying to get through to me. I was blinking in and our of consciousness, everything was burning now.
Don suddenly let go and I heard his dog-lock discharge. "Cavalry, right! Right!" My friend bellowed, followed by another shout that our Sergeant was dead.
More guns sounded around me, but they were drown out by the horses charging us. The pikemen broke next or at least that's what I was told, the enemy cavalry smashed through them and kept on riding.
Don tried again to get through to me. "Come on, John! Come on, get u-" He paused, as I faded back in to reality for a second. On the edge of my hearing was a trumpet. "That's general retreat, John. Come on old boy, up you get."
I was pulled up onto his shoulders, still unable to tell my arse from my elbow.
There was a wet thump and Don staggered. He swore and limped on a little further, "I'll have to put you down, John...You five, help me defend our Emperor."
Things get rather foggy from here on out, another man took me on his shoulders and made it no further than a few steps before falling. The last thing I heard was cavalry charging and I remember much from then on. When I woke I was cold and sore, and very much naked and under a muslin cloth. A musket, not mine, was laid on the next table with to men standing before it. They were discussing the gun.
"What kind of staff is it?" The first, a heavily built man asked, "The spell it cast went straight through Moreth's breastplate."
The second shrugged, "And what's with that fellow?"
"Dunno, but they wouldn't let us get close to 'im. Dress the same as all the rest though, so only the gods could say," The first commented and moved away, leaving me alone with the second.
A thunderstorm had brewed up outside. That was great, the poor sod never heard me get off the table, nor did he feel me when I slipped the dagger from his person. He did however feel it when I slipped the thin blade through his neck.
The bastard went down easily and I dragged him deeper into the tent. There was no sign of my uniform so I was going to take his clothing, stinking and infested as it was. Basically like my uniform, just bigger and more blood covered, though not as smart. Whilst I was at it, I also took the musket. It wasn't loaded and there were no cartridges anywhere to be found, the plug dagger was still there though. Just had to figure out where about I was and then escape, because no doubt Vexa was worrying to hell and back.
One peek outside and I hadn't a bleeding clue of where I was. Thunder clouds obscured the skies and tents were too tall to look over. I did happen to catch glimpse of a makeshift cage in the distance, that would be my focal point.
"Oi! Where are you going with that? Go put it back with the others," A man with the look of self-importance stopped me.
"I...I, erm, I think I know how they work," My accent could make or break my escape attempt.
The man fixed me with a look of scepticism, "Show me, then of to the Deacons. They'll want to see...if you're telling the truth."
There was no-one else around but I pulled him between another set of tents, just to be sure. "Erm, yeah. You hold it like this and-" I swung the musket like a bat, connecting with the man's jaw. It knocked him off balance and before he could scream, I brought the butt down on his head and silenced him for good.
I left him where he lay and sprinted to the cage. It was filled with, surprise surprise, Erebayan soldiers. With some quick thinking and another quick bludgeoning, I got the gate open.
"Took your fucking time," Don grumbled as I handed him the musket.
"Well, excuse me for being fucking dead for...how long?"
"Four days."
That long, Vexa must have been distraught.
"Tell me, am I still pretty?" I had been clocked in the face after all. For my troubled I got a middle finger and a couple more swears mumbled under the breath.
I was surprised to find Markus amongst them. Had his horse taken out from under him and was pinned by the enemy infantry. I asked him what had happened.
"They broke us is what happened," The Viscount whispered, "Pelted the centre with every missile they had, as you found out. Collapsed the left flank and had Knights in waiting to smash the rest."
The Eighth had seen the heaviest fighting. The Viscount's heavy cavalry had gone in to cover their retreat and that's when he'd been captured.
"They bastard's killed my Khilo, just hacked him the pieces," Markus had a vicious fire burning behind his eyes.
"Oi!" Don snapped round, "You two shut your mouths, you'll get a new horse. Now where were they keeping our guns?"
That I didn't know and we didn't get to them anyway. As you all know, subtlety isn't my strong suit.
Taken at spear-point before the 'Deacons', with a little beating in between. They were situated in a large gilded tent that was stinking on incense, each of them a bloated mass of sickly looking pale flesh.
One of them, lips and chin slick with the juice of some exotic fruit, pointed at me with a pudgy finger, "You're looking rather sprightly for a man who's supposed to be dead. Who are you and why did you attack us?"
Markus stepped up and spat venom, it didn't really help, but did eventually get the point across. They had come to Lordran on a somewhat similar mission, on the orders of an even more bloated cleric higher up the chain.
The slug snorted and spat on the floor. "It's impossible. We failed and so will you," His jowls quivering as he tore a lump of roasted flesh from the bone in his fingers, "We were poised to leave when you heathens attacked, but our faith is stronger than your heretical weaponry."
They had sent a delegation to our camp to demand ransom and we were herded back into the cage, with me joining them this time. For another week and a half we were kept confined, prodded, poked and taunted by the men we had fought; waiting for negotiations for come through.
On the tenth day we were marched out, with weapons returned strangely enough. They kept our colours though which was even more humiliating than our defeat.
There was no greetings when we got back only weary glances and an ill looking Marius. He locked eyes with mine and sighed.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
The Viscount shook his wigged head, "You're back safe, that's all that matters. Go see your wife." He looked past me to the rest of the returned prisoners, "You men have brought honour upon yourselves, even in defeat. Hold your heads up high, you've done me proud. There's double rations for every man here. Go now, return to you companies and rest. You've done your duty." He walked through them to Markus, put his arm around his shoulder and walked him back to his tent.
I found Vexa alone in our tent, in the dark, staring into nothing.
"V-Vexy."
She looked up with blood-shot eyes and launched herself at me. "You damned, stupid bastard," He bawled, "I hate you."
"No you don't, Vex," I held her close, rubbing small circles on her back, "I'm here, I'm safe. I'm so, so sorry for leaving you like that."
She cried into my shoulder for some time, eventually calming down enough to let me go. It was then my turn to hold her. Siegnette was with her uncle and had a similar reaction to my return.
She lay with her head on my lap for hours. I stroked her hair and sang a little and reassured her and her mother that I was fine, both of them falling asleep against me.
I was feeling incredibly guilty because a lot of families were never going to get this chance again. I know, that the hazard of the job and all but I was still feeling like shit.
A few days later I was back with the officers sans Marius, Zecht had forbade him from leaving bed. Instead Baron von Claun was leading the meeting. "It's nice to have Viscount Akandra and Emperor Johan back-"
"Oh, shut up!" I said lowly, "What's your plan? How are we getting in there?" Goodness, I was turning into Marius.
The Baron's one good eye fell on me. "Whilst you were imprisoned, your Majesty," He spoke matter-of-factly, "We were contacted. The...erm, goddesses kindly provided us with an entrance." He rolled his good eye and told me about Izalith.
"So, let me see if I've got this right," I picked up the strange doll the Baron had dropped before me and waved it about, "We've got to go even further away...just to get into there? I also have to take bloody thing with me." I turned the doll over in my hand and looked at the raggedy thing wonder what the fuck we were doing. "Where are they anyway, Gwynervere and Velka? If they can come and go like that, why the hell can't they get in there themselves!?"
I stood up mid-strop and turned to leave.
"Where are you off too now, Your Majesty?"
"To get ready for this shit...I'll pick the men I want with me and none of you are going to argue with my decision." And silence, not one of them dared say anything. More because they know I'm a stubborn twat and a daft one at that too.
Anyway, I set about getting expedition party together. "I'm coming with you," My wife stood over me, "And don't say no. You know I can still kick your arse and anyone else that could get in my way." Vexa, like Vixen, also really wanted to see Anor Londo, seeing as she was also raised with the stories as a child.
I looked at her through half lidded eyes, "Is there anything I can say to convince you otherwise."
Vexa shook her head defiantly and that was that.
"I'm coming too," Siegnette stood by her bed, fists balled. Me and her mother looked at her and with one voice told her no, and that was that.
There were thirty of us, including myself, Vixen, Vexa, Don, 'Whiplash', Collinson and Menacat. The rest I had pulled from all over the army and from what I was told were good lads. Lord Bannier was to lead us and that complete out company.
"Jonathon! Help me! My armour's shrunk," My wife tried in vain to get her cuirass on.
"Suck your tummy in," I managed to get it round her, "It's not the armour, it's just that someone isn't in as fit a state as she was when she last wore it."
This, as I would painfully discover, was the wrong answer. I was backhanded with her gauntlet and she refused to speak to me for the rest of that day and half of the next, but by then we were well on our way to Izalith. Off to the birthplace of the Chaos.
Hey, I'm back again with the continuing mess that is the above. Hopefully it won't take me that long to write the next chapter and there shouldn't be many of those left, don't all cheer at once.
Anyway, until I post the next chapter I hope all you still reading this are well and perhaps you can have a check of my none fanfiction stuff on FictionPress under the name 'Champion of Khaos'.
Until next time,
farewell.