Chapter 29: Nightmares

A/N: Sorry to those of you that I confused with the ending of the last chapter. This is not the end of the story nor are we jumping ahead in time. It was supposed to be a bit of foreshadowing, but apparently, I failed miserably at that attempt, lol. Anyway, back to the story.

Trigger warning: feelings of abandonment

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane jerked slightly as tiny fingers pried her eyelids open. She had to remind herself where she was and who was on top of her in order to stop herself from slapping the hand away or throwing the 45-pound weight off her body.

"Mama?" a soft, tired voice whispered as Jane blinked the sleep out of her eyes.

"Finn, baby, what's wrong?" Jane whispered as quietly as she could in order to avoid waking one of the other occupants sharing their bed. Jane reached up and pushed Finn's hair out of her face.

"I hadda make sure nothin' happened to you," she said weakly, and Jane's heart instantly broke.

"Oh, sweetie," Jane whispered as she tried to stop herself from tearing up. As quietly as she could, she extracted both of them from the bed, making sure to cover up the girls before leaving the room. Jane stopped for a moment as they reached the door and glanced back at the bed. Maura was sleeping on her side, facing the girls, her arm protectively draped across Sophie and Harper. Emma had instantly moved into Jane's warm spot in the bed, all sprawled out as she took up any available space.

Jane shut the door behind them and carried Finn downstairs, gently rubbing her back as she walked. Finn had buried her face against Jane's chest as soon as they had stood up from the bed, and her little fists were clenching Jane's t-shirt.

Jane glanced at the oven clock when they reached the kitchen and sighed. It was 5:35am, and she knew she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight, not that she had gotten much to begin with. Finn had glued herself to Jane the moment she joined them in bed. She spent most of the night completely on top of Jane with her head resting over Jane's heart, her hands gripping Jane's t-shirt, and her legs straight out on top of Jane's. But Finn hadn't slept well, which meant that Jane didn't sleep well either. Finn had tossed and turned as she laid on top of Jane, every once and a while whimpering, "mama."

Jane had tried her best to comfort the little girl, but nothing had worked, so when Finn felt the need to check to make sure nothing had happened to Jane during one of the few times Jane had managed to fall asleep, she knew they had to talk.

Jane didn't put Finn down as she moved around the kitchen, making coffee one-handed – a task she had perfected over the years with three young children. Finn didn't say a word, but Jane could tell that she hadn't fallen asleep. She carried her coffee to the family room, placing her mug on the sofa table before sitting down. She had learned a long time ago that the small table that sat along the back of the couch was the easiest place to reach when she sat in the corner of the couch with one (or more) kid in her arms.

Once she was sitting, she shifted Finn so that she was sitting in her lap, and she pulled down the blanket to cover both of them. Finn was curled in Jane's arms much like she used to be when Jane held her as a baby, except now that she was bigger, most of her weight rested on Jane's lap instead of in her arms.

"Talk to me, bug," Jane said gently as her thumb brushed across Finn's cheek.

Finn didn't respond; instead, she snuggled deeper into Jane's arms. Olaf jumped on the couch and curled against Jane's legs. Jane realized that the cat hadn't been around much since Maura and Sophie had arrived. He came around to be fed and so that Jane knew he was still alive. However, he didn't hang around them. While all three girls loved the cat, Finn had always been his favorite. He could usually be found curled up in her lap while she was reading or watching TV. Jane wondered if his absence had added to Finn's distress – not that she really knew how to remedy that.

Jane sighed. "Sweetie, I know you're worried about something happening to me or someone else in the family, but we've talked about this before. Why did mommy's comment bother you so much last night?"

"I dunno," Finn mumbled from deep within Jane's embrace.

The thing was, Jane was pretty sure she knew, but she was afraid to ask directly. She didn't want to plant anything in Finn's head that wasn't already there.

"Do you remember your nightmare?" Jane asked.

Finn shook her head. "I just 'member that you were gone," Finn said as she started to tear up again.

Jane held Finn closer, giving her a soft kiss on the head as she tried to hide her own tears.

"I wish I could promise you that nothing bad will ever happen, but I can't control everything," Jane said quietly. She knew that many parents would say just that – that they'd promise to always be there for their children. But as much as she wanted to promise Finn – and all of her daughters – that, she couldn't. She knew better than anyone that some things were out of her control. "What I can promise you is that you will always be taken care of and you will always be loved. I promise that I will do everything within my power to be with you and your sisters."

"I know," Finn muttered softly.

Jane wished she knew the right thing to say. She wished she knew how to make Finn feel better, but she didn't.

"I love you so much, bug."

"I wuv you too."

"Are you scared that mommy is going to leave again?" Jane asked, deciding that the ideas were probably already in Finn's head.

Finn shifted nervously in her arms. "I dunno," she said quietly. "I don't want you to leave," she added after a pause, her grip tightening on Jane's t-shirt.

"You know, mommy wants to be here with you, just like I do. We're both doing everything we can to be here for you guys."

Finn didn't say anything, and Jane was at a complete loss. She wanted to heal her daughter's heart. She wanted to take away her pain.

It was true that Jane had always been honest with the kids. She never promised them that she would be there no matter what, but she did promise them that she would do everything within her power to be there for them. She never promised them that nothing bad would happen, but she did promise them that they would always be loved and cared for. She had thought that they understood this, but she was now realizing that they really only understood it in the abstract.

Maura coming home had made everything so much more real. Now, there was this person whom they loved and who loved them that had been forced to leave them. Maura was no longer just a character in the story of their lives. She was a living, breathing person, who hugged and kissed them goodnight, told them she loved them, and participated in their everyday lives.

Even if she couldn't articulate it, Finn was realizing that not only could something happen to her mommy again, but something really could happen to her mama, too.

Jane tried not to cry as she stroked Finn's hair. The little girl's eyes started to flutter shut as Jane's calming touch lulled her to sleep. Jane watched as Finn's face relax slightly and her grip loosened on Jane's shirt. Even in sleep, she could see her daughter's fear, but at least she looked calmer than she had moments before.

Jane didn't stop running her fingers through Finn's hair as she fell deep into thought. She was realizing that this might not be something she could fix on her own. As much as she hated admitting that she couldn't help Finn, Finn's needs would always outweigh her pride. Therefore, she decided she was going to find the best child therapist in the greater-Boston area for both Finn and Emma. She would do everything possible to help her little girl.

She had no idea how long she had been sitting there when she heard the bedroom door open and shut. She looked up to see Maura, wrapped in a robe, coming down the stairs. Maura walked as quietly as possible over to them and sat on the edge of the couch next to Jane's legs. Despite her attempts not to startle any of the couch's occupants, Olaf scampered off the couch when Maura sat down. Jane gave Maura a sad smile as Maura placed her hand on Jane's knee, rubbing her thumb back and forth over the blanket.

Maura: June, Present Day

"I didn't hear you guys get up," Maura whispered. "How long have you been up?"

"I don't know. What time is it?"

Maura straightened her back to look at the oven clock in the kitchen. "A little after 7," she said.

"A little over an hour and a half, then, I guess," Jane said sadly.

"Is she okay?" Maura asked, and her heart broke when she saw the tears that clouded Jane's eyes at the question.

Jane shrugged. "She's not sick or anything," she said as quietly as possible. "She's just having a hard time."

"Is it because of what I said last night? When I said, 'if something happens and we can't be together'?"

"I think that was the trigger, but it wasn't the cause. She's been processing all week, but she's also been holding it in. It had to come out at some point, and to be honest, she still hasn't said much."

Meaning, it might get worse before it gets better, Maura thought to herself. She felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to the pieces of her already broken heart. She had done this; her daughter's pain was her fault.

"Maura?" Jane whispered gently, and Maura realized that she had been quiet for too long. "She'll be okay. We'll make sure of it. We…she…just might need some help."

Maura nodded as she tried to wipe away the tears that had escaped her eyes.

They sat in silence for another half hour, neither of them knowing what to say, as Finn slept in Jane's arms. Maura could see the pain and exhaustion in Jane's eyes as she watched their daughter sleep. She hated that the people she loved most were hurting, and it was her fault. No matter how many times Jane or anyone else told her that it wasn't her fault – that she had made the right decision – she wasn't sure if she would ever forgive herself.

The silence was broken when the bedroom door opened and two three-year-olds appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Mama! Emma won't get up!" Harper yelled at the top of her lungs, making Jane cringe and Maura laugh.

They both laughed when the heard a grumpy, "Go 'way!" come from the bedroom. Finn stirred in Jane's arms as the yelling woke her up.

"Leave your sister alone," Jane called back with a laugh once she was sure she wasn't going to be the one to wake up Finn.

"I'll make breakfast," Maura offered as Sophie and Harper came thundering down the stairs.

"Thanks," Jane replied softly.

As Maura stood to go to the kitchen, she heard Jane ask Finn, "Do you want to go sleep a little longer with Emma in our bed? Maybe Olaf will join you guys."

"No…stay with you…" Finn mumbled without lifting her head from Jane's chest.

"You guys stay there," Maura said gently, knowing Jane was trying to get up to help her. "You don't need to help."

Jane nodded and turned her attention to Harper and Sophie who had joined her on the couch.

Maura kept glancing back to the living room as she rooted around the cabinets for what she needed to make pancakes. Jane was now sitting on the couch with all three girls on her lap. They were watching Mickey Mouse, and every once in a while, she would hear Sophie or Harper "answer" Mickey Mouse, who often asked the viewers questions.

Emma dragged herself down the stairs just before Maura finished cooking breakfast, and dramatically dropped onto the couch. The move was so reminiscent of Jane after a long day of work that Maura had to chuckle.

Maura let Jane and the girls relax on the couch while she set the table and plated their breakfast of pancakes and fruit.

Breakfast was a bit quieter than their previous meals, but Harper and Sophie still maintained their usual energy, keeping everyone entertained. Finn remained quiet throughout breakfast, and while Jane tried her best to engage with the other girls, Maura could tell she was worried about Finn. Emma, too, was quieter than usual; although, she did participate in many of Harper and Sophie's discussions. Maura wondered if Emma was upset too or if she was subdued because she could feel her sister's distress.

Jane carried some of the dishes to the kitchen sink, so Maura followed her.

"I don't think I can do IKEA today," Jane said so that only Maura could hear.

"That's okay, Jane," Maura assured her. "We definitely don't need to go today."

"I know, but I feel bad that Sophie doesn't have her own bed."

Maura glanced to the table where Sophie and Harper were still laughing. "I really think they're okay," Maura said. "We'll get her a bed eventually, but for now, she and Harper seem fine."

"Yeah," Jane said as she too glanced to the table.

"Jane," Maura said softly as she turned off the faucet and turned Jane to face her. "I'll do the dishes in a minute."

"But I…" Jane started as she tried to turn back to the sink, but Maura wouldn't let her.

"No, you need a break. Let's let the girls watch TV. I'll keep an eye on them while I do the dishes, and you can go upstairs for a little bit. Take a bath or a shower or even a nap," Maura pleaded.

Maura watched as Jane opened and closed her mouth as she tried to come up with an argument, but eventually she gave in, giving Maura a curt nod.

Jane walked over to the table where the girls were still sitting. "You guys can watch some TV, okay? But make sure you wash your hands first. I'm going to go up and take a shower, but mommy will be down here if you need anything." Jane was talking to all four girls, but she continued to run her hand over Finn's hair as she spoke. It amazed Maura how much of a natural Jane was at comforting the girls. Maura always knew she would make sure that the girls knew they were loved, and she knew she would provide lots of hugs and cuddles. But for someone who generally hated physical affection, she was always providing comforting touches and loving gestures when she interacted with the girls. It warmed Maura's heart.

After this morning though, Maura wasn't only worried about Finn and the other girls, but she was also worried about Jane. Jane seemed to be taking Finn's distress hard. Maura watched as the kids moved to the living room, returning to their earlier episode of Mickey Mouse, while Jane slowly made her way upstairs.

Just as Maura was finishing the dishes, she noticed Finn get up from the couch and go upstairs. Maura considered stopping her since she knew that Jane really did need a moment to regroup, but she also knew that Jane would never want to stop any of the kids from coming to her from support. In the end, she decided to let Finn go find Jane, but she kept her ears open in case either of them needed her.

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane leaned her head against the shower wall as the hot water relaxed some of the tension in her body. She didn't want to take long getting ready, but she needed a moment to collect herself. Taking a deep breath, she turned to continue going through her shower routine. Just as she was turning off the shower and wrapping the towels around her hair and her body, there was a soft knock on the door, followed by a quiet, "Mama?"

Jane smiled sadly to herself, but she wasn't surprised that Finn had come looking for her. "You can come in, baby," she replied.

"I missed you," Finn said as she opened the door and stepped into the bathroom.

Jane leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I was just taking a shower, bug. I was gonna come back down after I was ready," she told her.

Finn shifted anxiously as she fiddled with her hands. She tilted her head slightly and chewed on her bottom lip.

"Come're bug," Jane said as she picked Finn up and carried her to the bed where she sat down with Finn on her lap, facing her. "I know you're anxious, but I wanna help get you outta this funk."

"Funk?" Finn asked, scrunching her face in confusion.

Jane chuckled lightly. "I want to make you feel better," she clarified. "I know I can't fix everything, but I'm going to find a doctor that might be able to help you feel better – someone for you to talk to. It'll take a few days, though. Is there anything I can do right now that will help you feel better today?"

"I don't want to talk to anyone else," Finn whined. "I want you."

"You can always, always, always talk to me," Jane said with as much conviction as she could muster. "You don't need to worry about that right now, okay? What do you want to do today?"

Finn shrugged, and Jane sighed before pulling the little girl against her body in a tight hug. Leaning back, Jane cupped Finn's face, kissing the tip of her nose. "Why don't we go to the park this morning?" Jane suggested, and she was pleased to see a twinkle of excitement in Finn's eyes. Jane smiled. "Do you think you can go back downstairs with mommy, Emma, Harper, and Sophie while I dry my hair and get dressed?"

"Yeah," Finn said, sounding slightly more confident. After a moment, she asked, "Can we really go to the park?"

Jane laughed. "Absolutely!" she replied, and finally, finally, Finn smiled. "I love you so much, bug."

"I love you, too, mama!" Finn said before she leaned forward to give Jane a kiss and another smile.

Jane watched as Finn left the room, and Jane was glad to see that Finn seemed a little more herself as she closed the door behind her. Jane quickly finished getting ready and left the room to walk downstairs.

Just as she opened the door, her heart stopped as she heard the unmistakable sound of Finn yelling, "No!"

Jane hurried down the stairs to see Finn standing about ten feet away from Maura, her face red and scrunched with anger, tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she was screaming at Maura at the top of her lungs.

"You think I'm stupid! You aren't even listening to me!"

"Sweetie, I'm trying to…" Maura pleaded as tears streamed down her own face, but Finn wasn't listening, and nothing was going to stop the explosion in progress.

"You didn't want me and Emma because you don't love us and…and…and you…you th-th-think we're stupid! You wanted Sophie not us! You didn't want to be our mom, so I don't want you to be my mom. I hate you for leaving!"

Jane realized she was frozen on the stairs when Maura fell to her knees, not even bothering to break her fall. Finn jumped at the sudden movement. Her face quickly shifting from anger and fear to hurt and regret as she fell silent.

"No, sweetie, I love you and Emma. I love you both so so…" Maura's hand flew to her mouth as she scrambled to her feet, running for the downstairs' bathroom.

As soon as the bathroom door slammed, Finn tried to run, but Jane was faster. She caught the little girl around the middle before she could get away and pulled her to her chest. Finn was sobbing harder than Jane had ever seen her cry. When she started gasping for breath, Jane was worried she was going to pass out.

Jane looked at the other three girls, all three of whom were crying silently on the couch. Not only did Jane want to cry herself, but she wished she could comfort all five of them at once. Since that wasn't possible, she made a split-second decision that she hoped she wouldn't come to regret later.

Holding Finn's head gently with her free hand as the six-year-old continued to sob against her shoulder, Jane said to the other three, "It's going to be okay," but even she could hear the fear and weakness in her own voice. "Emma, come upstairs with me and Finn. Harper, Sophie…I-I promise it's going to be okay. We'll be right back down, but can you guys watch something on TV while I talk to Emma and Finn?"

Both Harper and Sophie stared at her with wide, teary eyes for a moment. Sophie's gaze flitted back and forth between Jane and the bathroom where Maura had disappeared. "Sophie, mommy's going to be okay. She just needs a moment to herself, okay, sweetie?" Jane tried again.

Sophie looked unconvinced but she still nodded.

Jane sighed. She hated leaving the two little girls upset on the couch, but she didn't know what else to do. "Come on, Em," she said quietly, holding out her hand. As Emma walked by on her way to the stairs, Jane let her hand trail over her head and through her hair before she followed Emma up the stairs and into her and Finn's room. Jane glanced down the stairs one more time in the direction of the bathroom where Maura was still holed-up. It was destroying her to walk away knowing that Maura was upset and in pain, but Finn's distress was more acute at the moment as she continued to choke on her tears and gasp for air against Jane's chest.

A/N: Sorry about the IKEA fake-out, but those of you with kids know how hard it can be to plan! I promise they'll go shopping eventually and that you'll get to see it!

I think this chapter may have actually been more painful to write than the previous chapter, which hurt like a MF. I'm going to do my best to get the next chapter out tomorrow night as I can't leave our favorite family in so much distress.