In My Blood:
Chapter 27:
FINAL CHAPTER:
"Meredith, we need to talk." I say, gently catching her by her hands as she passes. She looks at me furiously and raises her eyebrows at me. The girls are at home spending Derek's night off with him, so it's just the two of us, alone in the previously quiet living room.
"I don't want to talk about this again Addison, we've talked enough last night." She says, pulling away from me. I don't know what part of last night involved talking. Last night involved hours of her screaming at me for being so ungrateful, so irresponsible. It went over about as well as this is going. She knows the plan. I can't hide it anymore.
"Meredith, please. I need your help."
"Why would you even involve me in this? What the hell is wrong with you?" She asks, the stress of the last 48 hours boiling over on her. It's just too much.
"I told you my plan because I need you to listen to me." I say, calmly, but a sense of urgency in my tone. "You're the only one who knows, because you have Oakley. Mark is an idiot, and I'm not going to be here to help you." She starts crying at this, I reach touch her, to comfort her, but she shakes her head angrily and moves further away. I look at her sympathetically, my heart aching for causing her this pain.
"You can't just vanish Addison." She sits down next to me and despite her coldness just seconds ago, takes my hands. "I want you in my life. I want you in the girls lives, always, no matter what."
"I understand what you want Meredith. I want that too, but this isn't right." I take a deep breath. "This isn't safe for anyone anymore." I try to stay out of my emotions. It was never my intention to hurt her, or the girls. I was going to leave with only the goodbye note on the fridge, but she woke up and came down for a glass of water just as I was pinning the note to the fridge, about to walk out the door.
"Why?" She demands. "You're doing much better, you're getting stronger." She says, but I can tell she's just being kind. I think about this for a minute. Am I getting better? For every good thing there are bad things. I am no longer comatose with grief, but I am on five antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds per day. I am no longer starving myself, but I have been dependent on supplemental nutrition for longer than I care to admit. I'm no longer suicidal, but still there are days when I stay in bed crying, all day long because I miss her so much, and those days it still hurts so bad that I'm sure my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I still don't understand how to move past this. How to be the person I was before Heavenly died. I don't know how to be the kind of person that Oakley needs.
"I'm suffocating." I try to explain. "It's like drowning, and the only chance of breathing again means leaving. I can't breathe knowing everyday I'm here, hurting the people I love the most."
"Addison…." Meredith starts, but I cut her off.
"File the adoption paperwork. When you gave it back to me, I put it in the safe deposit box at the bank. I transferred Oakley's trust fund to you and Derek. I closed Heavenly's account and put that money in a trust fund for Willow." She looks away from me, but I continue. "I've added you to my account at the bank. The deed to this house, my will, and all of Oakley's important paperwork is in that box. The key is in the butterfly container in the freezer. I am leaving you my bank card, but yours should arrive in the mail in a week or so. You have unrestricted access the account for Oakley's continued care." I only removed $50,000 from the account and placed in in a separate account for personal use, leaving the rest from that account for Oakley. I still have my trust fund and investment accounts I can pull from if there is an emergency before I am settled.
"No!" She says, shaking her head. "I can't do this Addison."
"I'm going to do this with or without your help, so you might as well help me."
"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" She asks. "You're making a mistake that's going to ruin your life, and I'm not going to let that happen."
"You can't stop this, Meredith." I say gently.
"What am I supposed to tell Mark? The Girls?"
"What you tell your children is up to you, but I wouldn't tell Mark a damn thing. You don't know where I am, you don't know what happened. I'm just gone." We are silent for a long while, her just watching me. "If he asks you show him the note saying I left."
"Great, so now they can blame me, and I can be the bad guy in your stupid, stupid games."
"This isn't a game, Meredith."
"What do you call it then?" She demands.
"It's me choosing life."
"Why do I feel like I'm never going to see you again?" She asks.
"I just need some time, Meredith please."
"You sold your vehicle for $100 to the homeless family down the street."
"They have a 6-month-old baby. It's safer for them to sleep in a vehicle with locking doors than in that worn out tent under the bridge behind the 7-11. I don't want to be followed, and I figured I wouldn't be using it. I made it clear in the letter that I left on my own free will, and don't wish to be followed. I didn't actually take their money, just wrote that on the paperwork so it's legal."
"The minute Mark finds out you've left he's going to track you down. Do you really think he's going to listen to this BS? I'm your best friend and I don't even want to listen to this."
"I'm not with Mark anymore, and what he thinks doesn't matter."
"He still loves you Addison." Meredith says gently. "He cried on our couch for an entire week after the divorce was finalized."
"Not my problem. He made his choices, now I have to make mine."
"He made the choices that he had to make to keep you alive. Every choice he made was with your health, and Oakley's health in mind. You would have died. You almost died so many times. It's probably some kind of freak medical miracle you're even alive right now."
"How much easier would the last 18 months have been on everyone if he had let me die?" I ask her. "You can't tell me you haven't thought about it." I decide to let Mark's cheating slide, she obviously meant all of the medical decisions he made while I was pregnant with Oakley, and then after she was born.
"I haven't!" She objects. "Not for a second." I sigh, annoyed and look away from her.
"You were never a very good liar."
"Do you want to know what I think about? Do you want to know what keeps me up at night?" She asks, and I remain silent. "It was never if you'd be better off dead, or I wish you would have died so I don't have to deal with you. It has always been the sheer terror of not knowing if I was going to wake up and find you dead of an overdose or hanging from the ceiling beam or bleeding out in the bathtub or dead from some other self-induced injury."
"I'm sorry." I say gently. "You don't deserve that. You deserve so much better than living in constant fear. You deserve to be happy and living your life with your husband and your girls. Willow deserves better than whatever is still going on in her head, and Oakley deserves a mom who loves her."
"You can't be serious right now, I did what I did because you're my sister, and I love you."
"Do you love me enough to let me go?"
"How do I know that you're safe?" She asks. "How do I know you're okay? This isn't going to work. I should call the police."
"Possibly, but would you, really?" She looks up at me, challenging me.
"They can keep you safe." She justifies finally, and I shake my head.
"I have to do this for me, Meredith." I say carefully. "I'll keep myself safe, I promise."
"Okay." She agrees reluctantly. "but I expect calls, weekly, or even just texts. You can turn off location services off on your cell phone so we can't track you, I just want to know that you're alive."
"Okay." I pull on my oversized hoodie and grab my backpack (with my wallet inside), walking to the door. She hugs me too hard, too long, her tears damp against me.
"I love you enough to let you go." She says gently. "Please don't make me regret this."
"Thank you." I say quietly. "I love you too, and I won't. Thank you for everything you've done." She finally lets go, and I walk down the stoop, raising my arm, and hailing one of the bright yellow cabs. I get in, taking one last look at my house, at my life before we drive away.
"Where are you headed Ma'am?" The driver asks.
"JFK International Airport please."
"You got it." He says, pushing the button so that fare will ring up correctly. "Going on a trip?" He asks.
"No." I say, shaking my head. "I'm changing my life."
Authors Note:Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around for this crazy journey that has been "In My Blood." I am marking this story as complete as of now. I had a different ending in mind, but realized how much I love these characters, and so I left it pretty open ended in case I decide to start a sequel in the future. What do you think Addison is off to do? Do you think she's just ghosting, or does she have a plan in mind? I don't know how realistic it is that Meredith would have just let her go that easily, but it works for this purpose. Anyway! Please review and let me know what YOU think 😊 I want to hear from you! :)