Hello!
I hope you're all doing well. I'd like to say another thank you to CelineTr2020. They left me a long, question filled comment and I really enjoyed reading it and responding to it.
To lobby on to that, I invite everyone to send me novels in the comments, if you want to lol. I would really love to hear your thoughts no matter how long you go on. Send me questions, theories etc... Whatever you like. I'll do my best to answer.
I know you're all eager for the herd and I know I keep saying it's coming... But it's coming (lol sorry). I just have a few things I need to address before we move forward. I hope you don't mind. I think some of you will be incredibly happy about this chapter. At least, I hope you will be.
NOTE: For readers on , this is the last up to date chapter so far. More will come very soon. Thank you for reading.
Carol didn't know what she was doing. This was probably a terrible idea. That was what she thought to herself as she carried the plate in her hands. She walked at a steady pace though and didn't allow herself to turn back like she really wanted to.
After she had finished with the laundry—still reeling from the oddness of Daryl deciding to help and his revelation about the herd—she had come back to help to get started on lunch. She and Andrea had cooked some canned chilli and had dished it out to everyone. Carol had looked for Daryl to offer him some but he had been nowhere in sight. It did make her remember his companion though, who was still holed up in their tent.
Fighting through her anxiety, she had filled a plate and headed for the outer camp. That was where she found herself, standing before the tent, hesitating to enter. The truth was, Carol intimidated her. Maybe even scared her a little. The woman clearly didn't like her, that much was clear. Carol didn't understand why her future self hated her but she wished she could fix it somehow. She hoped bringing some food would be a step in the right direction but knew it probably would just make it worse. There was no turning back though. She cleared her throat loudly before pushing the flap of the tent aside.
Carol was looking at her with an unreadable expression as she entered. Carol swallowed heavily but plastered a bright smile on her face. She watched as her future self raised a brow. Carol held the plate out awkwardly.
"Um, I brought you some lunch," she said, trying to sound strong and knowing she failed. Carol sighed and shrugged, getting to her feet. She moved closer and took the plate from her.
"Thanks," she muttered as she wandered back to the crate she had been sitting on. She sat down once more and picked up the fork on the side of the plate, pushing the food around.
Carol knew she was meant to leave now but she stayed in place. She knew it was probably a bad idea to bring it up, but she couldn't stop thinking about what she had seen the other night when they had been training. Her future self had acted so strangely when she had seen Sophia. She had looked on the verge of tears. It hadn't taken her long to figure out why.
"Did you need something?" Carol asked, making her jump a little.
Carol ducked her head. She sucked in a breath, trying to gather her strength for what she was going to say. Part of her didn't even want to bring it up because it would make it real. She had to know for sure though.
"I… I know something happened to Sophia," she said carefully, willing herself to stay calm.
As soon as she had figured it out the other night, she had cried. In the darkness of their tent—with Ed snoring nearby and Sophia pressed up against her back—she had cried silently, realising the truth of it. Something terrible had happened to her daughter in the future. She watched Carol swallow heavily and put her plate down beside her. She rubbed her hands together slowly.
"What… What makes you think that?" the older woman asked with an amazing poker face. Carol had caught the brief slip in her mask though, letting her know she was right.
"I saw the way you reacted last night. You were stopping yourself from crying when you saw her," Carol explained, forcing herself not to stutter. "I'm not stupid. You wouldn't have acted like that if she was still alive in the future."
She watched her future self suck in a shaky breath and waited for whatever she would say. After a long silence, the woman's façade broke. A look of deep sadness took over her face.
"I don't know why I thought I could keep it from you," Carol said slowly, not quite meeting her eyes. "Of course, you figured it out."
Carol swallowed as the confirmation settled over her. A small part of her had been hoping that, somehow, she had been wrong. She wasn't though. She was right. It was a hard thing for her to grasp fully. Carol caught her lower lip between her teeth to worry.
"How… What happened to her?" she asked in a small voice.
It amazed her that she was able to actually even voice the question at all. Knowing how it happened would just hurt more but if she knew how, maybe she could stop it from happening. Her future self gave her a wary look.
"Do you really want to know?" Carol asked and for once, Carol didn't feel like a bug under the woman's boot. There was genuine worry in the older woman's eyes. "Because once you know, you can't stop knowing."
Carol understood what her future self was telling her. There would be no going back once this subject was broached. She would have to face her little girl every day, knowing that something awful had happened to her. She straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin.
"I don't want to know," she confessed. "But I need to."
Carol nodded, looking unsurprised. Wordlessly, she gestured to another plastic crate and Carol took it as the invitation it was. She wandered over and sat gingerly on the crate. She turned her gaze on her future self once more and waited. Carol sighed.
"It was a long time ago for me," she started. "We were on the road, trying to find a place to stay."
Carol was startled to hear that they had left the quarry. She had—probably naively—thought they could comfortably stay at the quarry for the rest of their lives. She didn't voice her shock though, knowing her interruption would probably irritate her future self.
"We stopped on the highway for supplies," Carol continued. "Lori and I were searching cars while keeping an eye on Carl and Sophia. I thought she would be perfectly safe."
Carol let out a humourless chuckle.
"I was so stupid," she said, frowning. "I should have known better."
"What happened?" Carol asked with bated breath. Her future self took a deep breath.
"What else?" Carol asked rhetorically with another dark chuckle. "A herd showed up. We all got under the cars to hide but Carl and Sophia, they got separated from us. Lori had to hold me in place so I wouldn't go running to the other car for Sophia."
Even though she hadn't experienced the memory herself, Carol found her heart rate had picked up. It was so terrifying to think of her daughter being separated from her with walkers around. She could only imagine how traumatic it would have been to know there was nothing you could do.
"The herd passed through and it seemed like the coast was clear. Sophia crawled out but she didn't see the straggler walkers. They chased her into the woods."
Carol gasped without meaning to. Walkers chased her daughter into the woods. Just picturing it made her head hurt and made it hard to breathe. Sophia would have been totally defenceless.
"Rick went after her but back then, it was a struggle to take out even one walker alone," Carol explained. "He left Sophia by a creek and led the walkers away from her. I know now that he did what he had to do but back then, I was furious with him for leaving my baby out there."
Carol swallowed heavily. She didn't really know Rick Grimes too well yet but from what she had seen, he was a good man. She could understand Carol's rage though. She didn't doubt she would feel the same.
"Did… Did the walkers… Did they get her?" Carol asked, feeling tears prick at her eyes. Carol hesitated.
"It was more complicated than that," she said after a beat. "We looked for her. We stayed on the highway for days and sent out groups to look. Daryl managed to pick up her trail but it led to nowhere. Eventually other things happened and we had no choice but to leave the highway and go to a farm. The others talked about looking for her but I could see it in them. They had already given up on her."
Carol was horrified that the group had given up on Sophia so easily. It was understandable that the possibility of there being no hope would enter into people's minds, but to just give up completely? She couldn't bear to think it.
"Not Daryl though," Carol said, continuing her tale. A slightly sad smile appeared on her face. "If anything, he was more determined than I was that Sophia was alive. He went looking for her everyday. Almost killed himself doing it."
Carol was amazed to hear this about Daryl. It made sense for the man she was slowly getting to know—the one who had come from the future—but the Daryl that Carol was talking about was the gruff, surly, quiet man she had grown accustomed to in camp. Perhaps it had been Daryl's determination to find her daughter that had led to their friendship in the first place. It wasn't hard to fathom.
"Daryl's efforts and his hope were useless though," Carol said, losing her smile as quickly as it had come. "We… We found her and she was… She was turned."
Her future self sucked in a deep breath and tears glittered in her eyes as she blinked. Carol found she couldn't fight her own tears. They streamed down her face easily as the awful truth hit her. Her daughter had become one of those things. She tried to picture it. Tried to imagine a Sophia whose eyes were milky and lifeless but found she couldn't do it. Her future self, however, she had seen it. How terrible that must have been.
Hardly knowing what possessed her in that moment, Carol threw her arms around Carol. The other woman stiffened immediately. Carol knew she should probably release her—probably shouldn't have touched her in the first place—but Carol hadn't tried to pull away. She had just tensed up. She took that as a sign that perhaps her comfort wasn't entirely unwanted. It took a long moment, but soon, Carol's arms were returning the hug with gusto.
The two women held each other: Her future self remembering this horrific time in her life and Carol picturing the horror that could still come to pass. It was odd that they found themselves in this situation. After all of the animosity between them so far, never would Carol have imagined them embracing like this. It seemed Carol had had this same thought as she leaned away with a teary laugh.
"This is ridiculous!" she said, still laughing. Carol laughed too, bringing a hand up to wipe her eyes.
"It is, isn't it?"
They shared another chuckled before, in sync, they sobered once more. The truth of Sophia's fate was still hanging over them.
"What happened to Sophia," Carol started slowly. "It's not going to happen again. Me and Daryl aren't going to let it. That's why we came back… More or less."
Carol nodded, though the lump in her throat remained. All she wanted was to wrap her daughter in bubble wrap and hide her away from the world so no walkers or people could hurt her. She knew that wasn't feasible though. She would just have to keep learning from her future self and Daryl so she could protect her daughter.
"She's going to grow up and be strong and kick the shit out of this world," Carol added with a smile that Carol knew was an attempt to be brave. While she appreciated Carol's attempt at lightening this moment, she found she couldn't even muster a laugh.
"Thank you," Carol said seriously instead. "For telling me and for… Well, for promising to look after her."
"I'm not doing it for you," Carol immediately replied and it came out sharply from her lips. Surprisingly, a flash of guilt appeared in the woman's eyes a second later. "Not… I didn't mean it like that. I just… I need to save her."
Carol nodded, understanding where her future self was coming from. This woman had spent a long time without her daughter from what it sounded like and she couldn't imagine how that must have been.
"I know she's not really mine," Carol continued with a watery smile. "She's yours. I get that and I'm not here to try to take her from you. I just need her to live. That's enough for me."
It hadn't even occurred to Carol that her future self might have considered trying to take her daughter. Even with the awful tension that had been there between them, she had known that her future self was not cruel. She was just broken. A lot of that was probably because of losing Sophia. Carol couldn't even imagine how she would feel if she had to go through that herself.
"I understand," Carol said and, feeling like she needed to further extend an olive branch, she decided to add, "You can spend time with her sometimes, if you'd like."
Carol gave her a confused look as if her words had been spoken in a foreign tongue. Carol hastened to explain.
"You said she's not yours but that's not true," she said carefully. "She is yours, at least partly. It's a little strange but we're both her mother. It doesn't bother me to have you around her. If anything, it comforts me to know that she has someone else who will look after her no matter what. Before, it was just me and her."
Carol blinked and it was clear she was trying to fight off more tears. Carol didn't call attention to it, no wanting to ruin this truce that had occurred between them. She watched her future self swallow heavily.
"Thank you. I'd like that and I… I'm sorry for the way I've behaved," the older woman said quietly. "It wasn't fair to you. I know that. I knew it all along. I just… I was projecting all of the guilt I have inside onto you. I'm sorry for that."
Carol blinked, never expecting to receive an apology from her future self. Something inside of her breathed a sigh of relief though. All this time she hadn't understood what she had done to incense this woman so much but it turned out it had nothing to do with her at all. She smiled at Carol.
"I accept your apology," she said easily. Carol looked taken aback but returned the smile. "I know it's going to be strange," Carol added with a laugh, "But we could be friends, if you want."
"I… I think I'd like that," Carol replied with some hesitation. "I'll just warn you that I'm not very good at being a friend."
Carol observed the woman carefully. She had missed it originally but now, she could see it. Her future self was incredibly insecure, perhaps—even though it sounded impossible—more insecure than Carol herself. That just strengthened Carol's resolve to befriend her.
"That's okay," Carol said, never losing her smile. "I'm not too good at it either. We can be bad at being friends together."
Carol visibly relaxed as she laughed and nodded.
"Okay, deal."
They lapsed into a comfortable silence. Carol ate a little of her food and Carol just sat nearby, politely not staring. It amazed Carol how at ease she felt in her future's self presence now. Never would she have expected that a friendship would be possible with her, but here they were.
The longer the silence went on, the more the curiosity burned in her about Daryl. She couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more than friendship between the two time travellers. Carol had been defensive about it at the lake but maybe she would be more receptive to the questioning now that they were friends.
"Forgive me for asking," Carol started hesitantly. "I don't want to ruin this friendship before it's started but what exactly is the going on with you and Daryl?"
She watched her future self tense and waited for the blow up to come. She should have known better really. She just wanted to understand what there was between them. Carol had said they were just friends but friends don't act the way that they did. And if they were more, what did that mean for Ed? The explosion she expected didn't come surprisingly. Carol sighed and deposited her almost empty plate on the floor.
"I know you like him," Carol said, surprising the hell out of her. Carol's eyes widened and she felt a blush creep onto her cheeks.
"What?" she gasped, reeling from the accusation. Maybe there was a part of her that harboured a little attraction to the man but nothing serious. The thought of being with a man after everything Ed had put her through was actually a little repulsive, no matter how good Daryl might be.
"Come on," Carol said with a bit of smirk. "I've seen how you look at him."
Carol shook her head, ducking it as her face continued to burn.
"I don't like him like that," she said. That was mostly honest, at least. "I've just seen you two together and, unless I'm reading things totally wrong, there's something more between you than friends."
Carol's smirk dropped but there was a strange, more genuine smile in its place.
"It honestly wasn't anything more than friends," she said. Carol bit her lip before continuing. "Until last night."
Carol blinked in surprise. Only last night? When she had seen them sleeping all cozied up the way they had been, she had been sure they must have been an item. She had thought Carol's denial had just been defensiveness. She tried not to let her surprise show too much.
"Last night, huh?" Carol asked, letting her voice become a little teasing—testing it out. Thankfully, Carol laughed.
"It was so unexpected but Daryl told me he loves me," she revealed with a soft smile. "And I told him the same."
Carol smiled, feeling genuinely happy for the two. She had seen the good in Daryl almost immediately and, though it took her a little longer, she could see the same goodness in Carol. They both deserved to have this chance together.
"That's so beautiful," she told her future self. "You're so lucky to have a man like him."
Carol nodded but her smile was a bit more muted. She seemed to consider something for a moment before speaking.
"You won't be with him forever," she said. "One day, he's going to be nothing more than a bad memory."
Carol felt a jolt inside as she realised Carol was talking about Ed. The thought of finally being free from him was overwhelming in a good way. She had wished and hoped for her freedom for years, never daring to seek it out herself.
"I assumed something must happen to him," Carol said weakly. "I just can't even imagine my life without him right now, as miserable as that sounds. I don't even know who I would be if I could get away from him."
Carol smiled a little.
"You would still be you but more," she said. She raised a brow. "Trust me, I've lived it."
Carol laughed and nodded.
"I guess you have," she replied. She hesitated. "Did he suffer?"
She prayed that he did. It was awful of her to think such a thing but she wished he received at least some of the pain that she had experienced. She was owed that, wasn't she? Surely god couldn't begrudge her feeling that way. Carol smiled again and it was a little malicious.
"I didn't see it happen but I saw his body afterwards," her future self said. "I'm pretty sure he went out screaming like the coward he was."
Carol was surprised at how much joy that brought her. She was never a vengeful person but hearing that Ed had suffered in death, soothed something in her. She just hoped it would play out the same this time and hopefully, if she was lucky, she would get to witness it.
"Good," she replied. "Anything less than that would have been a mercy he doesn't deserve."
Carol nodded.
"Believe me, whatever happens, Ed Peletier has no place in this world," her future self commented with a dark look. Carol had no trouble reading the threat behind her words. After warring with herself for a minute, she sent Carol a knowing smile. The older woman returned it easily.
The meaning behind their smiles was clear:
Ed's days were numbered.
There we go.
Hope you liked this. I know so many of you have hated Carol's attitude towards her past self. I promised it would have a resolution soon and here it is. I hope you like how I did it.
What do you think about Past Carol working out that something happened to Sophia? Let me know in the comments...