They failed. They had failed so horribly. The result of the sealing was beyond any of Kali's imaginings. The idea of something awful happening to her had absorbed her mind so completely that she'd not even thought of if something would happen to someone she cared deeply for. Several voices had screamed Impa's name, all thoughts of sealing Pallas forgotten - there was no point without the shadow sage. She heard a broken female wail that could only have been Zelda, who easily had the closest relationship to her attendant.
The rest of the scene was a blur to Kali as she cried into Impa's unmoving chest, the pain was becoming too much to bear. She was going to tear in two, she was going to break into a thousand irretrievable pieces, her soul would rip apart and she would just cease to exist. It was too much...too much…
"I hope you gave them a bit of a fight I hope?"
Those were Impa's words to her after she, Link, and Kiden found her unable to move in the Lost Woods after she escaped Pallas's clutches. It sparked something else within her, something buried beneath the unbearable pain of losing her friend. It grew, eating up her sorrow like a white hot fire devouring a dry forest in the summer. Her fingers fumbled until they firmly grasped the wicked, curved blade jutting from Impa's chest. As her fury rose, opening her up like the great mouth of an ancient, yawning beast she yanked the blade from her friend's chest. She would give them more than a bit of a fight.
Kali twisted, her teeth barred as her gaze zeroed in on the twin that wasn't fighting Link - that would be her first target. He was the one that killed Impa...He lingered by Pallas as the sorcerer worked on reversing the effects of the poison. Kiden must have sensed what she was about to do because he attempted to call out to her, to stop her, "Kali, No!"
But she was off like a shot. She practically blurred across the clearing, fueled by her rage, increasing her speed with her powers. She was upon him, her green eyes blazed with black hatred as she struck at him with his own blade. He startled back with a grunt, and barely managed to parry her strike. But she went at him again, again, again. She drove him back, closer and closer to Pallas as she forced him off balance. He attempted to go on the offensive, to swing back at her in between her savage, aimless attack. Impa had taught her well as his blade glanced off her own while her other hand caught his arm in an iron grip. She twisted hard, and with an animalistic cry of rage drove her shoulder beneath him as she pulled him forward over her. She flipped him hard over her body and, with her power, sped him up so that his body drove into the ground with such velocity that the earth below them fissured.
She heard the satisfying rush of his breath leaving his body, and the pop of what could have been ribs snapping. "Bia!" the other twin called out, but then she heard the clang of metal again as Link kept him busy.
So this was the twin that had tried to abduct her during the winter festival, the one whose nose she'd broken first. Kali's lips pulled back in what could have been a savage grin, but looked more like a pained grimace as Bia attempted to roll away from her. But she stomped her slippered foot onto his chest. "Please…." he wheezed, begging for his life.
She felt no sympathy, she felt no pain. The rage that had opened her up, burned every other emotion away as she stared down at him. She felt a glorious, empty nothingness as she leaned over him and whispered, "Impa didn't have a chance to teach me to have mercy."
With that, she shoved the blade into his chest, the same spot he'd stabbed her dear friend. She felt the sickening shift of bone as it split between the force of the blade, the give of flesh beneath her hands as she delivered the death blow. She watched what slight sliver of light the shadow twin possessed leave his disgusting yellow eyes, and then his body went limp. "No!" the other twin cried out, no doubt feeling the disconnect as his brother was slain. She wasn't done, and her next target was not the other twin.
She glanced up at Pallas through her eyelashes, who wasn't far from them. He watched her with the same hatred that she felt burning her up inside. There were only two options now. They both died, or she went back to her world. In that single moment, without any logical thought or feeling, she was willing to go down if it meant Pallas was gone forever. "Kali!" Kiden called out again, closer this time as he tried to turn her attention away from her murderous intention.
Kali yanked the blade from Bia's chest with a terrible sucking sound, keeping her eyes on Pallas as he finally managed to stand on his own. She heard the thumping of boots quickly approaching her, and she glanced from the corner of her eye to see Link as he rushed towards her. He knew what she planned to do. He was going to stop her. She wouldn't be quick enough to dart to Pallas like before, not if Link was the one rushing at her. He'd always been faster than anyone else she sparred with...except Impa. So she did the next best thing as she focused her power into the blade in her hand, her gaze back on her target. "No! Don't!" Link shouted at her, his voice booming in the clearing.
She reared her arm back and snapped it out before Link practically tackled her in an effort to stop her. The blade flew from her hand like a bullet towards Pallas. But there was no crunch of bone, no ear splitting cry of pain or rage. Link had tossed her over his shoulder and she managed to glance up as her body jounced with the movement of him carrying her away. She saw that Pallas had raised his hand, and the blade only floated in the air before him, completely frozen. He watched as she was taken away, his expression unreadable before a shimmering portal opened behind him and he stepped through. Then he was gone.
Kali didn't register the trip back to the castle. She didn't struggle against Link as he carried her for some time, and didn't resist as he eventually set her down. Apparently their little party had split up amongst the chaos, nobody wanted to risk the loss of anymore sages, but everyone had met back on the castle grounds. Everyone had already arrived when Link, Kali, and Kiden had shown up.
She didn't fight back when Ruto struck her in the face, and didn't bother to remember the awful things the water sage screamed at her. She barely recalled Link yanking her away as she sobbed, raging at Kali but she did remember her shouting, "This is all your fault! Your fault you awful beast! She was our friend! Our companion! Don't you feel anything?!"
Something cracked in Kali's chest at those words, bringing on the sudden sensation of her stinging cheek from where Ruto slapped her. Something that would shatter her. So she resolved to shove it down, to shove every feeling down so far that there would be no hope of retrieving it. She couldn't bear the broken feeling she'd experienced when Impa's hand went limp, when she wailed into her chest, willing her to come back. She'd never lost anyone close to her before, she didn't know anything about grief or what it could do to a person. Not knowing how to deal with it terrified her - so it was best to just not feel at all.
People spoke to her, but she wouldn't meet their eyes, wouldn't respond to their words. She couldn't even look in Zelda's direction. So they stopped speaking to her. She had failed in so many ways, had failed so many people. She was ruined, Hyrule would be ruined because of her.
At some point, Kali made her way back to her rooms. Someone changed her out of the soiled blue court dress, helped her bath the dried blood and filth from her skin, and slipped her into a nightgown. It was probably Galena, but she couldn't bring herself to care, not without summoning all those awful emotions that had plagued her. She laid in her bed, unmoving, unspeaking, unfeeling. Days must have passed, but Kali couldn't comprehend the idea of the sun rising and falling and people just moving on after her friend had died. How could the world just go on after a loss like that? After her body had ceased function, the breath no longer in her lungs, her heart no longer beating?
She was unsure if she slept, there were periods of lost time that she assumed must have been dreamless sleep. Kiden would visit, and she barely held onto his words, unreachable. He would ask her what she needed, what he could do, that he was sorry. None of it mattered, none of it helped. Nobody's words would bring Impa back. Why did people say they were sorry for a loss anyway? Kiden didn't really know Impa. How could he be sorry? She didn't try to understand it any further. Galena would bring her trays of food that would go untouched, and she even tried to coax her into eating, but her efforts were in vain. Maybe if Kali just starved herself to death, then she'd be doing them all a favor, she thought darkly.
One evening, Kiden had been more insistent. He managed to pull her into a sitting position in her bed as he sat with her. He clutched her hand, he put his face close to her's, tried to get her to actually see him - to hear him. She hated that it was working, but it wasn't having the effect that Kiden probably desired. She heard his words, and her heart began to hammer in her chest, dread washed over her like icy water. "Please, tell me what I can do to make you happy again." he begged, his eyes desperate.
He continued to beg her, and she felt her heart fissure as it began to crack at it's already broken seams. No, she'd pushed this down for so long, she couldn't bear it. "Please, Kali." Kiden went on, his voice suddenly seeming too loud in her ears.
She couldn't handle the sorrow, could not accept the pain that Impa was actually gone. "Impa wouldn't have wanted you to-" Kiden began, but she cut him off by yanking her hand from his grip.
It surprised him as her eyes snapped to his face, her voice rough with disuse for so many days, "What would you know about what Impa would have wanted?"
She willed rage to fill her, anger was much easier to bear than the soul shattering pain of her grief. Kiden's mouth opened to answer but she didn't give him the chance, "You didn't even know Impa."
He took a step back from her as she finally stood from her bed, fury propelling her forward. She saw in her mind as Bia appeared behind Kiden, as Impa blocked what surely would have been a death blow. "Impa died protecting you." she ground out, "Because you were not where you were supposed to be."
She felt the hot tears as they spilled over her cheeks, "She died…" she practically choked on the words. "You don't….can't know how this feels. Nothing you say will change it. Nothing brings her back. Nothing changes the outcome. I couldn't even stop it, or reverse it." Her voice became more ragged with her pain. Her voice rose to an angry shout, "So I guess we are both at fault aren't we….Kiden?!"
He flinched as she spat his name like a curse. Maybe she did curse him, a little. Maybe she was a curse herself. Upon this land, upon these people. But he didn't say anything, he only looked at her with a wounded expression. "Get OUT!" she shouted at him, pointing harshly at the door. Unable to look at the hurt that overtook his face, she couldn't stand to look at him - knowing she'd done that to him.
Kiden only studied her for a moment, his eyes pitying. She ground her teeth at the shift in expression as he finally made his way out of her room. Then she was alone, breathing hard as the rage ebbed out of her. Her gaze snagged on her own reflection in her mirror. She was pale, dark circles formed under her wild eyes, her hair was matted in an ugly bird's nest, her nightgown rumpled from barely moving in bed for days. She was a ghost of her old self - defeated, lost, empty except for her fury. But furious at what? She already knew the answer, and hated it with what was left of her wretched heart. Furious at herself, every shortcoming and mistake she'd made since plaguing Hyrule with her existence. She raged against every failure she could see in her own reflected, tortured eyes. Those couldn't be her eyes….
She screamed and reached out to the closest thing, a tray of stale food and hurled it at the mirror - letting the rage wash everything away like the wave in the midst of a hurricane. That ghastly reflection of herself shattered with the mirror as the contents of the tray scattered across her floor. Her chest heaved as hot tears poured over her face and she sunk to her knees, curling herself into a ball on the floor - willing herself to stay put together.
When she awoke, she was in her bed again. She blinked slowly with sleep, and slowly turned her gaze to the mirror, remembering how she looked to herself - a creature hewn from everything she'd done wrong. The shattered mirror had been removed from her room, the glass and old food cleaned up. When she turned her gaze to the other side of her bed, she stiffened. Link was sitting in a chair at her bedside.
She quickly averted her gaze, that image of him drawing up her first memory of waking up in Hyrule. He'd sat in a chair next to her bed where she sat and asked for her name, shortly after she and Impa had fought for the first time. Seeing him drew up pain she hadn't expected, but he didn't speak to her. He only sat there, silently. Eventually she made herself look at him again. His expression was calm, but she couldn't miss that gut twisting glint of concern in his eyes. His eyes searched hers, and without a word he reached back and pulled a tray of fresh food into his lap. It had a simple bread, with butter and some kind of broth. He extended the tray to her, and waited - a silent request. She didn't move.
After several moments, he sat the tray on his lap and buttered a piece of bread before extending it to her. His expression didn't not show frustration or desperation or any of the things that had just overwhelmed her under Kiden's gaze, but only calm concern. After several more long moments she realized Link was going to hold this bread out to her until she took it in her hands and ate it. He would too, she realized. He would sit there with his arm outstretched for hours without a word until she complied with his request.
Only at that realization did her arm suddenly move of its own accord. Not for her own self preservation, but for his sake. She took the bread, and took a miniscule bite from it without tasting it. It might as well have been sand, her mouth was so dry. When had she last drank any water? She swallowed it with difficulty and gazed at the bread,her stomach rumbling for more sustenance after she'd gone so long without any food. She let herself eat the bread, Link all the while just sitting by her in silence.
Days continued to pass, without her speaking to anyone and nobody else tried to visit her except for Link. He silently commanded her to eat with his outstretched hands full of food, or cups of water, and sometimes steaming cups of tea. He didn't ask her to speak, or to explain herself, he only prompted her with silent commands to eat, to drink, to sit up in her bed. She tried not to look too closely at him, to remember the reason that he was there - she didn't want to accept the reason she was so broken. Sometimes his face would summon memories of Impa, of the hours they spent training with her, of the times in Kakariko they laughed or teased each other, of talks of Kali's feelings between Kiden and Link. Those were the days that even he could not draw her from her coverlets.
One day, his silence became more demanding of her. He lingered by her bathroom to coax her to go wash her face, to change her clothing. Kali found it easy to obey him, if only so he wouldn't stand there like a silent sentinel for hours. Nobody else had the patience or endurance for that, except him. She tried to wrap her head around why he waited for her like that, but it only drew up many emotions she kept locked away deep within her - emotions that threatened to break her.
One morning was different, so drastically alarming to something that stirred within her that she moved on her own. She stirred in her sleep that morning to the barest whisper of a sound, and she slowly opened her sleep blurred eyes to see Link waiting for her to wake up. It was far earlier than she normally awoke, and she marveled at how he waited for so long, but that only lasted a split second. Her eyes snapped fully open and alert at his face, at the feeling that shot from her chest and through her whole body like a lightning strike. Link, her dearest companion,the Hero of Time, was sitting on her loveseat, his back bent to rest his elbows on his knees as he pressed a hand to his forehead, and he was silently sobbing.
The sight drove a violent spike of vibrating realization through her, yanking her wretched heart from its stasis as she realized….he was grieving too. Many people would be grieving this loss, and yet there he was every day, with that calm, concerned expression on his face. He never let her see this, and she was sure he didn't intend to that morning. How long in those passing days had he gone on like this? Silently grieving by himself. Impa had known Link since he was a child the first time, she had been his friend too. And Kali….was a miserable, selfish fool for never thinking of it sooner. For not going straight to him after they'd lost their friend.
She had suddenly stood from her bed without thinking at the sight of his tears and silent shaking chest. Link sniffed loudly once and tried to nonchalantly wipe the tears from his face. He finally spoke, "Sorry to wake you…" his voice was thick with sorrow, "I..uh..got some lint in my eye and…" he trailed off as she approached him with silent, bare feet.
She suddenly, horribly felt the coolness of the floor beneath her, the uncomfortable shift of her nightgown, the fiercely growing ache in her chest. She was feeling again. Seeing him like that had broken some lock within her, and everything she'd shoved down and pretended to not exist rushed back at her in a flood. Impa was really dead. There was no running from it. No amount of hiding from it would make it go away. He only watched her with watery, cautious eyes as she stood before him. "Kali..?" He questioned, his voice a rough whisper.
She felt her own hot tears pour from her eyes, blurring his face. Her mouth was working to form words, and her chin trembled as she painfully swallowed a hard lump in her throat. No words would make it better for herself, or for Link. So with shaking hands, she drew his head gently to her abdomen in a firm, trembling embrace. She leaned over him as she felt his arms slowly secure around her waist, pulling them both tightly together. The only words that came to her lips, that expressed the true feeling of her despair, were said in a tremulous, raspy whisper. Her first words that weren't fueled by endless rage since Impa died were, "I'm sorry…"
One sob escaped her, then another and then a thousand more as she slid to the floor before Link - him holding tight to her, holding the fractured pieces of her together as they grieved together. Both of their sobs mixed their tears on their skin as they embraced all the while, wracking their bodies in a shaking heap.
Kali was surprised to find herself waking. She must have fallen asleep, exhausted after crying for so long. She was curled into a warm ball, held tightly secured by the pressure of Link's arms as her head was tucked into his chest. She felt the warmth of his steady breaths on her face, and she blinked blearily at him, her eyes puffy from tears. He was already awake, and had been watching her face in the dim light of her room, it must have been the late evening. Link must have carried her into her bed after she'd fallen asleep because she was cocooned in her coverlets, their heads pillowed close together. Her whole body felt loose, numb - as if all her contained tension had flooded out of her with her sorrow. Her eyes searched his face, but she found no expectation there, no silent commands. She spoke without thinking, her voice hoarse, "How are you so good?"
He only cocked a curious brow at her, and somehow in the midst of this disaster, looked amused. She attempted to rephrase, "After I talked to you about...us. After I screwed everything up...After all my mistakes. You are still here, waiting for me to come back. How are you this good to me after everything I've done?"
Link's hand brushed her mussed hair back from her face and lingered by her cheek as he said, "I've made mistakes too. I've failed and screwed things up, monumentally."
"That is impossible."
That drew the softest rumble of a chuckle from him as his thumb grazed her skin, "Why is that?"
"Because…" she started, and then paused. She thought of all the important decisions he had to make because of her. When he'd shot that arrow at the shadow twins in Hyrule field, when he'd watched from a distance as one of them were about to spirit her away during the winter festival knowing that if he tried to confront them directly Anju would be killed, his decision to convince Impa to train her, more and more and more…."Because you always do the right thing in my eyes."
His mouth twisted ruefully at one corner, "I wish that were always true. Either way, I've made mistakes but the only difference is that I didn't have someone that stuck by my side no matter what awful, destructive mood I was in. No matter how far down I've fallen, I've had to bring myself back again and again on my own."
He pressed his forehead to her's, staring openly into her eyes as he said, "I don't want that for you. Because I care for you, and I'm in too deep for that to change now. Even if Kiden gets in the way, even if we go to war with Pallas to defend you, even if you have to go home. I will make myself strong for you, I will fight by your side."
Tears spilled over her cheeks again, her chest swirling with too many emotions to identify. She felt him brush the tears away as her chest shook with sobs again. "T-Thank you.." she stammered out, "For e-everything. I don't…." She couldn't finish her sentence before the sobs overtook her, and he pulled her tight to him.
She had wanted to say what she knew deep down, a truth that could never be changed. There was absolutely nothing she could do to ever deserve him. She was selfish, and acted too much without thinking, she was hot-tempered and her soul was darkened by all the things she'd been through in Hyrule. She was a hateful creature that could never amount to his goodness. After her sobs eased slightly, when her voice was steady enough to speak she muttered into the skin of his neck, "I'm sorry for everything I've done that has hurt you…" He stroked soothing circles over her back as she spoke. "I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong or anything that made things worse… I'm sorry for it all."
She felt him give a shake of his head, as if it didn't matter "I'm not." he replied quietly as they both drifted back into sleep.
The days that went by after that were both easier, and more difficult. She found herself stirring to take care of herself to some degree, to eat and drink without being told to, but from time to time waves of grief would overtake her, wiping anything else from her mind. She'd double over, feeling breathless like she'd been kicked in the gut. Sometimes tears would come, sometimes she would just let her thoughts fall deep into the darkest depths of her mind. But every time a deep, painful ache would spread through her. Link often checked on her, soothed her, but never asked her to talk about it unless she began speaking first. He was always there to bring her back from her own darkest thoughts. Sometimes he would grieve with her, and every night they fell asleep together, huddled beneath her covers. She found her sleep deep, and dreamless when his arms were curled around her body, keeping her whole.
Eventually, she worked up the courage to leave her room, dressed in her old training clothes because she didn't have the energy or the desire to pretend to be anything else. Her hair was loose, and she didn't bother to brush out the knots before she left. Kali wandered the halls, pausing in spots that reminded her of Impa. The staff avoided eye contact with her, and steered themselves out of her way. She didn't pay much mind to it. She was grateful that they were finally leaving her to her own devices as she gazed out a window as the sun began to set on the horizon of Hyrule. She heard steps approach her and glanced up to see Kiden standing several feet from her, looking stunned - perhaps amazed that she was up, and actually made her way out of bed. The sight of him brought back the harsh, slicing words she'd thrown at him and she frowned slightly. She knew what she said was unfair, and the actual target of them was meant to be for herself. She did blame herself for Impa's death, but in that moment of rage and overwhelming emotion, she'd projected that blame upon him.
At her frown, his eyes shuttered shut, cutting off any emotion - protecting himself, she realized. She couldn't blame him. After all they'd been through, after she'd decided that she wanted that easy life in Hyrule after this was all over, she'd told him to get out in her darkest hour. She realized that easy life would have been impossible for her after the death of her friend forever darkening her thoughts, and with Kiden being helpless to bring her back to any semblance of herself. He just couldn't relate to her grief, the trauma of everything that had changed her since they'd met. She wasn't sure she would recognize the blushing, flustered girl that he had initially flirted with in the potion shop. That couldn't have possibly been her once, could it? Her voice was still rough with disuse, but not raspy as it was before, "I'm sorry, Kiden."
That surprised him. But she didn't regret the words. If anything it lessened some kind of weight from her heart as she put more meaning behind them as she said again, "I'm so sorry for what I said, for everything I've done. I'm sorry if I caused you pain, or worried you, or made you feel you were to blame. Because that's not true."
His eyes softened as he drifted closer to her, his hand reaching to brush her cheek but she gently caught it in her hand. He paused and let her draw his hand close to her heart, clasping it within both of hers, "Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for every kiss, every sweet word, everything you've done to try and help me."
She felt dread creep over her skin, crawl into her stomach and settle there as she realized that she was preparing to say goodbye to him - to all of them. The only way to keep them safe, to deserve everything they'd done for her, the ultimate sacrifice she could make to repay them, would be for her to return home in order to stop Pallas.
She stepped forward and stood on tip toe to press her lips softly to his cheek, before she stepped away. There was a knot in her throat as she made her way down the hall, her eyes stinging. She was going to seek out Zelda, to tell her it was time for her to go home.
Author's note: This chapter was very therapeutic to write for me I think. Though at this point, I don't feel Kali as a self insert character and more of a character that developed all on her own, I put a lot of my own feelings of grief I'm currently dealing with in this chapter since I recently lost my own mother. I hope you all will be gentle with me for this one, but I did feel it needed written. Thank you again for reading 3