The night of the opening ball arrived. The next day the tournament would begin, and the thought of fighting my way through all my old school fellows exhausted me. If I lost, they would see vindication, yet if I won they would give me no credit nor change their minds about me. In addition, I weighed up every day my precarious situation. Someone would expose me, eventually. Even if I had turned Barran away from the idea, there was still Taran, Gormal. Even Simar was a threat. I had been avoiding him since we kissed, apart from a brief moment where I said we couldn't do that again.

'Because you're scared or because you want to kiss someone else?' He demanded, his arms folded.

I owed him the truth at least, so I said, 'Both.' He shrugged, but there was a flash of bitterness in his eyes.

I leaned out of the window and watched the hazy pinks and purples of twilight. I could hear the bells in town clanging distantly to close the market. Children would be running in from a day's play at the beach, tracking sand between their sun browned toes. I wanted to hate these Islands and never return, but they had a kind of magic about them which coupled with the warmth of familiarity.

I turned from the window to the bed, where my clothes were laid out. Not mine, strictly, my father's. I touched the embroidery on the waistcoat, and the flowers seemed to bloom under my fingertips. My mother would have done this; that was tradition.

I donned the skirt and the sandals, and then oiled my chest. I did feel a bit ridiculous doing it, but then as my own hand passed over my belly I thought of a lover doing this for me. Of Edmund doing this for me. My breath caught. I had to stop and turn away. I drank three glasses of cold water to recall my senses. I knew that all my hopes were useless, regardless of Simar's teasing predictions. I had imagined the moment with the sketch. I had to consider myself lucky that Edmund didn't actually know about me. I had to remember to tread carefully around him. I had been too loose and too free, and that had nearly been my undoing.

After this internal lecture, I finished dressing by pulling on the waistcoat. I did smile at myself in the mirror, for there was my father's ghost smiling back at me. I smoothed the waistcoat over my bare chest and heard an odd crinkle. Frowning, I reached into the inside pocket and pulled out a yellowed scrap of paper, so old that the writing was quite faded.

'Caernan, my beloved. Tonight we dance together as we have so many times before. They will think we are only following tradition, but we both know that in our hearts we dance as bridegrooms to each other. You are the poet between us, and my words are poor. But I wish to tell you, and I wish to record, how much I am in love with you, how lucky I am to know all the secrets of your pure and noble heart. I am ever yours, Orran.'

I sank onto the edge of the bed and rubbed my mouth. I played Orran's devotion to my father in my mind. I worried for a moment that they might not have been happy, but I knew that they were. They had each other, always.

My throat was tight as I went down to the dance. I tried not to think too much about Orran and Father because it made my heart ache. But I had stowed the note back in the pocket, and I touched the spot to reassure myself of it.

'Have you ever drunk wine before?' Simar asked. We were fourteen and he was giggling, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

'Not this much!' I returned, and we laughed together, leaning against each other. That was when I felt that thrill and pull. I lifted my head to look at him, and he was staring at me.

'Have you ever kissed anyone before?' I asked in a whisper.

He shook his head mutely. 'Have you?'

'Just Corana. I don't really like her though.' I gave Simar a significant look. I knew right then that I wanted to kiss him.

'Is there anyone you like?' Simar whispered, leaning closer.

I shrugged with one shoulder, keeping my eyes on him.

'Because Peridan...' He started to say.

'I know,' I replied. I cupped his face, and then I ducked my head and brushed my lips against his. We stared at each other, and then at the same moment we threw our arms around each other and sank into a messy, passionate kiss.

I don't know how long it lasted. I lost myself to him, and to the kiss. We pressed close together and I could feel that he had the same aching, climbing desire that I did.

Then a pincer like hand seized my shoulder and wrenched me away. I stared at Simar, dazed. Hands were snatching his arms, pulling him back. And a voice was screaming. 'Filth! Degenerate! You bring shame upon our house!' It was Uncle, raving.

His shouts summoned a crowd, and as soon as they understood why Simar and I were being pulled apart and marched inside, they hissed with displeasure.

Orran tried to intercede, trotting beside Uncle as he jerked me by the arm. 'Let me deal with him, Emdir.'

'Leave be, Orran. You have been too soft on the boy. It has allowed him to get mad ideas into his head, and they will be beaten out of him,' Uncle snapped.

I stared. Surely Uncle couldn't really mean to beat me. I glanced at Orran, and when I saw the alarm in his face the fear hit me. I dug my heels in and tried to wrench my arm free. Uncle pulled me closer and whispered fiercely 'Struggle any more and it will be the worse for you. Another five lashes.' I scarcely knew what this meant. We only used our whips for training horses.

'You can't!' Orran said. 'He's a sitting lord! You can't whip him.'

Uncle stopped. 'He is my ward and my blood. He is a child. I will whip him until he sees sense. If you speak on his behalf one more time, I will make it worse for him. Leave, Orran, now, and let us deal with our own affairs.'

And so Orran had to let me go.

My arrival at the doors where the dancers were gathering jolted me out of this memory, and I was glad of it. I reached over my shoulder and felt the rough skin on my back, but I shook myself out of this before I sank into the worst memory, and I pushed the doors open. I crossed the hall, ignoring everyone, and I went over to the doors which led to the courtyard where we would perform. Outside I could see multi-coloured lanterns strung up over the lawn, and beyond them, the stars in the velvet sky. I was admiring the effect, leaning on the wall with my arms crossed over my chest, when I heard the commotion that signalled Edmund's arrival among the dancers.

I turned to greet him, pushing myself off the wall to stand upright. With everyone bowing, it was as though we were the only two people in the room, staring at each other across the length of it. I swallowed. Edmund's chest was bare and oiled; the contours of his muscles glistened in the light of the lamps. I dragged my eyes up to his face, and what I saw in his expression was enough to strike some feeble sparks onto the cold fire of my hope. Our eyes met, but I couldn't bear to hold his gaze, so I too swept into a bow.

The noise seemed to rush back into the room. Everyone started to arrange themselves in the dancing lines, and many threw envious looks as Edmund took his place with me. But I was King's Champion. It was natural that we should be together. I met their gazes and they glanced away quickly.

I could feel the warmth of Edmund's body as he stood next to me. The music started up, and he clasped my hand. I tried not to think about it as I waited on the balls of my feet while the other dancers went out before us hand in hand. But just as we were about to follow the others, he squeezed my hand. I did not dare look at him, but I squeezed his hand in return.

I tried to quell my hopes, but they rose in spite of all logic. The lutes thrummed and the drums pounded and Edmund and I whirled together in time, each step a perfect mirror of each other's. We launched into our backflips and as we landed and continued the dance, we grinned at each other. For a small space of time I did not have to fear the feature or live with the past. I danced, and Edmund grinned at me.

The music stopped, and we laughed with each other, our chests heaving. Applause bloomed around us, growing and swelling. We turned to acknowledge this, and the spell was broken.

The ball started, and as always, Edmund was pulled into the centre of things while I was left on the fringes. I watched him. He was still in his costume, chatting to the nobles with his diplomatic mask on, and the contrast made me smile. He caught my eye and rolled his eyes at the person he had just been talking so. I laughed, and he shrugged. Barran started to approach with Maiara in tow, and he mouthed, 'Save me.'

I arrived a moment too late—Barran had already begun his platitudes and Edmund was paying bland compliments to Maiara. I took a breath and strode up to the group, sweeping into a low bow.

'Forgive me, your Sufficiency, Lady Maiara,' I said with my most polished manners. 'But there is a matter which needs the King's attention.'

'Can't it wait, Lord Peridan?' Edmund said, at the same time widening his eyes to tell me that it could not.

'I am afraid not, your Majesty. But I will return you to this good company as soon as possible,' I replied.

'Very well, then. Let us go see what this is about,' he said, affecting a weary voice. I led him through the party, weaving round groups of people until at last we arrived at the fountain of wine. Edmund laughed.

'This certainly needs my attention,' he declared. I filled a goblet for him and pressed it into his hands. Once I had filled my own we toasted each other.

'Very smooth of you, I must say,' Edmund said after he took a drink. A drop of dark wine remained on his lips, staining them red. I could think of nothing but licking that drop away with the tip of my tongue. 'I shall have to keep you around for such occasions at state functions.'

'I am ever at your service,' I replied with a smirk.

'And I know it.' Edmund clapped my shoulder. His hand fell on my waistcoat; I wanted him to touch my skin.

As we stood laughing together, the words came to my lips and I didn't stop them.'Shall we—do you want to take a walk? I—I wanted to have a word,' I faltered. All of my love and my desire swelled inside me. I couldn't hold it any longer; I had to spill some of it out.

His eyes lit up. 'Yes,' he said at once, his voice bright with interest. 'Yes, of course.'

I set my goblet down and beckoned him towards the silent gardens. He followed at once, and I forced down my hope. He was so eager though. We had not quite reached the gate when Taran appeared before us. He swept into a bow identical to mine.

'Your most gracious and just Majesty,' he said. 'I need to have a word with you.'

'Sadly, you will have to wait,' Edmund said, only half turning to him. 'I have just granted an audience to Lord Peridan.'

He started to turn back to me, but Taran darted in front of him. 'This concerns Lord Peridan. I can keep silent no longer. I must bring charges against him.'

Edmund frowned, his brow furrowing. 'Charges? What on earth are you talking about, Lord Taran?'

'Formal charges,' Taran said breathlessly, looking at me. 'The King must hear them.'

Edmund made a noise of impatience in the back of his throat. 'Very well then. Let us hear these charges.' Taran gestured him inside, away from the gardens, and Edmund led the way.

I followed. Behind Edmund's back I glared at Taran; he met this with the slightest frown of disapproval. My chest burned. I had finally gathered my courage to tell Edmund I loved him, and now Taran was going to indict me with the same truth.

'Why are you doing this?' I hissed to Taran.

'Because you would seek to bring our King down with you. You can damn yourself, if you refuse to see the truth. But I will not see our holy monarchs fall with you.'

Edmund led us some way down the hall to a quiet sitting room. The noise of the banquet was a distant hum. Edmund sat in a chair, turning it into a makeshift throne, and gestured. 'You may begin now, Lord Taran.'

There was not a flash of recognition on Edmund's face. I might as well have been a stranger to him.

'Your Majesty,' Taran began in a pompous voice. I curled my hand into a fist. I actually wanted to hit him. 'Lord Peridan is an immoral man, who brings a stain on Narnia, and the Narnian court. He has been known to lie with men as a man should only know his wife. Since he will not repent, I see that action is necessary. I must expose who he is to your Majesty so that he can do no further damage to Narnia, for Aslan will utterly reject him and his ways.'

I folded my arms over my stomach and closed my eyes. As Taran spoke, I felt the room swirl around me. The supreme irony was that I had not lay with anyone, no matter how much I thought about it, because of exactly what Taran was saying. I realised that all that time, I had believed him too. Even when I was offered an alternative. I remembered Tumnus's gentle suggestion and my lie of a denial.

'Tash,' Edmund corrected.

'I beg your Majesty's pardon?' Taran said.

'You've corrupted the phrase. Tash utterly rejects. Aslan rejects no one.' I exhaled a bit, a very tiny bit.

'But your Majesty, it is Aslan's will—' Taran began.

Edmund held up a hand. 'Are you presuming, Lord Taran, to school me on Aslan and his will? Forgive me—I was not aware that you had communed with the Great Lion.'

Taran had the grace to blush. 'I have not had that great honour, Sire,' he said.

Edmund pressed the tips of his fingers together and gazed at Taran over them. 'You speak as one who has, such is your conviction.'

'I do not need to speak with Aslan to know his will,' Taran said, tossing his blond hair in an attempt to look noble. 'I know that Lord Peridan's actions are hateful in his sight, and for his refusal to repent, so is Lord Peridan. He is a degenerate. He is filth, and his very presence stains your glory.'

I felt the tears rise, but I frowned them back. I would not cry. I cried when my uncle beat me, and he only beat me harder.

'What say you to this, Lord Peridan?' Edmund inquired.

I drew in a breath. 'There is nothing to say,' I answered in a low voice. 'I am who I am.'

'A man who is not a man,' Taran insisted. 'A sinner who refuses to repent.'

'A lord and a knight, truer and stronger than steel,' Edmund said. 'Lord Taran, you judge Lord Peridan, thinking yourself worthy to pass a sentence on him, but this belies your ignorance of both Aslan and Lord Peridan. He has broken no law. We must therefore leave his reckoning to Aslan.'

Taran made a strangled noise as if to protest, but Edmund cut him off.

'Is that understood?' He said sharply.

I heard the movement of Taran's clothes. I stared at the ground. I saw Taran turn on his heel and saw his sandals stride past me. I admit that I flinched. Taran snapped the door shut behind him.

I could not move. I could not lift my eyes or raise my head. I heard Edmund rise and move towards me, and I tensed.

He gripped my shoulder. 'Peridan,' he said, and his voice was strangled.

At last, I looked up. Edmund's face was inches from mine, closer than we had ever been. In spite of everything, my stubborn heart swelled with love for him.

'You must know,' he continued in that same odd voice, 'There is always forgiveness.'

I looked straight into his eyes, which were wide with surprise—fear, possibly? I didn't know. I couldn't think straight enough to read anything in his expression. 'That's just it,' I mumured. 'I'm not sorry.' He looked staggered by this, but I punctuated my statement by leaning forward and pressing my lips to his. His mouth was slack with surprise.

I did not let the kiss last long enough for him to push me away. I drew back and looked into his face for a last, long moment. Then I left.

I pushed through the crowd of people milling through the party, bumping into some. I ignored everyone.

I found a door in the courtyard which led into the gardens. I burst through this and then I started to run. After a short sprint, I stopped on the edge of a hill overlooking the sea. There was a bench to look out over the beauty spot. I dropped onto it and stared out at the sea shining silver with moonlight, my hands dangling between my knees. What now?

I closed my eyes and tears dripped down my cheeks. I scoffed and wiped these away quickly. Crying would do me no good. I dropped my face in my hands. I didn't know what to do.

I supposed I could take some comfort from the fact that Edmund did not immediately condemn me or curl his lip in disgust. That didn't mean much though, compared to what I wanted. What I had dared to hope. Part of me squirmed in shame while another part burned with anger. Taran had taken this from me. I went back to staring bleakly out to sea, trying to figure out what came next. I didn't know if I could stay with Edmund. I couldn't bear to leave.

I cooked up some vague notions of becoming a sell sword as my father and Orran once dreamed of doing. But I was known throughout the world now. I could not go offering my services in Archenland when they knew me as the Narnian standard bearer, and the idea of returning to Calormen was patently ridiculous.

'Peridan!'

I jumped up. Edmund had found me. His eyes were dark and burning, his chest heaving. Even in the moonlight, I could see that his face was pale, except for the red spots on his cheeks. 'What was that?' He demanded.

I pressed my lips together and looked at the ground.

He crossed to me in quick strides and gripped my arm. 'You—you kiss me, and then—then you just…run away? What does that even mean?'

I opened my mouth, but no wound came out. He took my other arm and gave me a shake. 'Peridan!'

This loosened something in me. 'It means I want you.'

'You want me,' He repeated, narrowing his eyes as though in doubt.

'You don't believe me?' I said incredulously.

He shrugged roughly. 'I just think if you're going to kiss someone for the first time, you ought to mean it.' He cocked a brow as though challenging me.

A shock of giddiness went through me. I laughed under my breath and stepped forward. I cupped his face and I kissed him as I had dreamed of doing a hundred times: a deep, full kiss. I teased his lips apart and felt him yield to me, then kiss me back.

I broke off the kiss to tease him. 'You mean like that?' I searched his eyes, a smile curling my lips.

'Shut up, you complete idiot,' he said, and he gripped the back of my neck and pulled me into another kiss. Our bare, oiled chests pressed together, skin gliding against skin. His mouth was hungry; his kiss as fierce as mine. We stood locked in an embrace so passionate it was half a battle where we had the same objective: fighting to press closer to each other.

We fell apart for a moment to gasp for breath. 'How long?' He whispered.

'Forever,' I answered.

'On the boat here,' he guessed.

I slipped my hand under his waistcoat, feeling the hard muscle of his back. 'Before that.'

'At Anvard. That night before the battle,' he tried again.

I kissed his neck, pressing closer to him. 'Before that.'

He arched his throat so I could get closer.'In Calormen?'

'Before Calormen. On the boat there. We were playing chess.' I murmured snatches of phrases between kisses.

'I didn't realise I was such an appealing chess player.'

'Very,' I said, touching the tip of my tongue to his skin, tasting the tang of his sweat and sweetness of the oil.

He hissed. 'So long. You didn't tell me. You should have told me.'

I lifted my head. 'I'm telling you now,' I said, and I kissed him full on the mouth. He returned the kiss, matching my passion. We sank onto the bench. My desire reached a fever pitch. I felt like I was burning; I wanted his mouth and his hands everywhere. I thought I was dreaming, but he bit down on my lip, and the little jolt of pain told me this was fierce and real.

It must have been hours. I didn't know or care. But eventually the world came crashing back around us as we heard the sounds of people leaving the ball. I heard Peter and Susan wondering aloud where Edmund was. He pulled away and looked at me. I wanted to say something to him, but the words stuck in my throat. Then he was gone, disappearing through the hedges and announcing in his wry voice, 'I'm here, I'm here. Keep your shirt on. I've already lost mine.' They laughed and even I snorted through my nose. Their voices drifted away.

I lay back on the bench and stared up at the stars, all the constellations I had traced throughout my life. The lodestar. Never did I dream they would lead me to this moment. I shifted and heard the paper in my pocket crinkle and I thought of Orran and my father, and their stolen moments of memory of Edmund's kiss washed over me afresh, and I smiled to myself.