TW - alcoholism, references to suicide and miscarriage
Never be so kind, you forget to be clever. No be so clever, you forget to be kind. And if I didn't know better I'd think you were talking to me now. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were still around. What died didn't stay dead, what died didn't stay dead, you're alive you're alive in my head. What died didn't stay dead, what died didn't stay dead. You're alive, so alive
15th February 2021
Morgana sighed as she checked the time on her phone. Midnight had been and gone, Valentine's Day was now over. She still hadn't had any sleep. She couldn't stop worrying about Merlin, Alfie had been comfort feeding for the past hour and she didn't want to fall asleep with him in the bed as Amhar was there. She didn't have the heart to move him back to his own room, he looked too peaceful as he slept. After feeding Alfie and lightly burping him, Morgana transferred him into the bedside crib and grabbed her phone and AirPods. She put them in and waited for the familiar sound that they had connected which came quickly before she went on her phone. 'How are you x' she texted Merlin. She checked his location on find my iPhone and it came back as Avalon hospital, so he was there and hopefully checked in at least. She knew that the signal was bad so as much as she wanted a reply, she knew not to expect one. So she was rather surprised at seeing a missed call in the phone app and quickly opened it up and phoned Merlin back.
"Merlin!" Morgana breathed.
"I'm in the hospital" Merlin said. "Detoxing and whatnot".
"Good. Good".
"I'm so sorry Morgana" Merlin cried.
"It's okay Merlin" Morgana reassured him. "Are they doing anything in particular?".
"I have a hospital bed and I'm waiting for the doctor to come and then have a plan of action. Hopefully getting released in the morning".
"That's good. Though it doesn't matter, as long as you get better".
"Yeah" Merlin agreed. "How are you? The kids?".
"Alfie's been comfort feeding and I'm sure he's teething now, lots of drool and red gums so" Morgana rolled her eyes. "Amhar hasn't wanted to be left alone so he's in bed with me".
"Is he okay? After everything that..".
"He's fine" Morgana said.
"Good. I'm, I'm going to have to go. The signal isn't the best and my phone needs charging".
"Of course" Morgana nodded. "Take care. I love you".
"I love you too" Merlin said. Morgana looked up at the sky as the familiar sound that signalled the end of a call played and it returned to her Home Screen, a lovely photo of her with Alfie in her lap sitting next to Merlin with Amhar on his lap. They were dressed in their Christmas pyjamas in front of the tree. She smiled as she remembered that night, they awkwardly had to balance their phones and put a ten second timer on before clicking the photo button and getting into position. There were several in which no one was looking at the camera and while they weren't exactly "picture perfect", to Morgana they were. She turned her phone on standby as she looked at her Lock Screen, a photo of the whole family bundled up in their snow gear when they headed out to the field (photo credit to Mithian), she carrying Alfie who was mesmerised and Merlin holding a giggling Amhar. That was only three weeks ago. It was crazy how much could change within three weeks.
The three weeks from her birthday to finding out she was pregnant. Finding out she was pregnant to the car crash, the death of Arthur and Gwen followed by her and Merlin's kiss. Then being separate for a while and distant then deciding to go on holiday and having sex, then abstaining for a while before going back to it. Merlin suggesting that she married him even though they were uncertain. Though it felt right, she knew that the memories return when you meet your soulmate and that had happened with Merlin.
They said that a soulmate is like a best friend but more. Merlin was her best friend and she his. The one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else, that someone that makes you a better person. She considered herself to be at her best when she was around Merlin. She preferred to forget 2018 as it was a rather strange period of time for her, the time in which she and Merlin were dealing with the stages of loathing one another as they navigated being thrown into the real world, debt and heartbreak. A time in which she liked to self-proclaim herself as 'a little shit' and she knew that Merlin was the same likewise. The thing that no one knew was that she was struggling with depression at the point, self medicating with alcohol and self harm which was particularly easy during the summer holidays. Even though like most marriages they had their ups and downs, she always knew she could rely on Merlin and that he'd be there for her no matter what.
Actually, they don't make you a better person. You do that yourself, because they inspire you. It was with his help that she managed to dig herself out of the hole she was in. The time after the crash had been one of the hardest times of her life, at which she had come to a point in which she was contemplating why she was even alive. Though he was there. She managed to survive with his help.
A soulmate is someone that you carry with you forever. She remembered the hurt in his voice when she had admitted that she was suicidal, how heartbroken that he had been. How they kept going away from one another and kept finding their way back to each other, no matter what. No matter how far apart they would go they'd always go back to each other. She wanted to hate him, so much. She'd never stopped loving him even though it hurt to. Finding him unconscious on the floor had been one of the hardest moments of her life. It's one person who knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would.The tough time period when she and Morgause began fighting. Despite all their downs, it all came back to him. And with all their ups, it came back to him. And no matter what happens, you'll always love them and nothing can ever change that. Damn the memories, damn the pain, damn the past repeating itself. She'd tried so hard to convince herself she hated him, proved she'd moved on and slept with Alvarr. It still came back to Merlin, and she had never stopped loving him no matter how hard she tried to convince herself.
Lying in bed even with the two children was so lonely. She had found it lonely when Alfie was still a newborn, though Merlin would still be there. She could rely on him. He helped her. Now was truly different. Everyone was asleep. Merlin needed to get better, and she didn't want to be a burden to anyone. She knew that she was truly and utterly alone in that moment, everyone else was asleep and she didn't want to burden anyone and Merlin was in a hospital bed. Midnight thoughts were truly the worst. She put her phone on charge and lay on her pillow, forcing her eyes shut and hoping that she would soon drop off to sleep. Amhar snuggled up closer to her side and she ruffled his hair and put an arm around him while Alfie began to stir slightly in the co-sleeper so she cupped her hand over his small body and gently stroked his face.
He opened his eyes and whimpered slightly, Morgana immediately got her boob out and latched him on as he began rooting. Even though most babies' rooting reflex has disappeared by four months old, Alfie still had his on occasion which the health visitor said not to worry about as it tended to be the middle of the night. She'd have to dig out her breastfeeding bible, 'The food of love—your formula for successful breastfeeding' again to have a refresher of it. During the early days and weeks of Alfie's life it had been extremely helpful for her to be able to push past the pain of enforcement, aching nipples and cluster feeding to go ahead and have a rather successful breastfeeding relationship in Morgana's book. Granted, she hadn't had mastitis which she was extremely grateful for though it didn't mean that it had been completely plain sailing. She only had to pat his back a few times before he burped and happily went back to feeding, falling asleep on her breast before she quickly changed his nappy then put him back in the co-sleeper.
"Mummy" Amhar said as he tapped her back. "Who's that?".
"Who's who?" Morgana asked with a frown.
"That" Amhar replied as if it was obvious. "On your shoulder. Looks like mama Gwen".
Morgana frowned and looked on her shoulder. "There's no one there". Though there was a smell an awful lot like Gwen's perfume. And Arthur's aftershave. They'd put one bottle of Gwen's perfume and likewise with Arthur's aftershave in their memory boxes and had discarded off the rest.
"And dada Arwur! Hi!" Amhar waved happily. "Daddy in hopipal so I sleep with mummy. You make daddy better?".
Morgana tiredly rubbed her eyes. Now they had bloody ghosts. Great.
"Thank you. I like you but not know you, I love my daddy and want him back home with me, mummy and baby Alfie all better. Bye!" Amhar waved and lay down immediately, back to snoring.
"Well that was odd" Morgana muttered as she pulled the blanket higher. With no Alfie in the bed she could have it as high as she wanted, and hid her head under the blanket. She tried to convince herself she wasn't scared of ghosts, though she was rather terrified as she hid under the duvet.
When Merlin woke up, he felt a lot better. He still felt like shit, an achy back from the hospital bed (even though morgana insisted that the hospital beds were extremely comfy and good, Merlin hadn't found that to be the case) though much better than he had for the last couple of weeks. Apart from the headache. Though he wanted a drink, knowing that it would make the headache disappear, he knew better than to even think about it. He pressed the buzzer for the nurse to come and waited.
"Ah good, you're awake" she greeted with a smile. "How we feeling?".
"Not too bad" Merlin croaked. "Could I have some water, please?".
"Of course" she nodded and headed off to get some. Merlin grabbed his phone from the side table and texted Morgana 'missing you xx'. Shortly after the head psychiatrist doctor had come and spoke to Merlin. He stayed in his bed as they went through the options together.
"Mummy! Wake up!" Amhar insisted.
"Shh" Morgana closed her eyes and pulled the blanket up to her chin.
"I'm awake" Amhar announced. "And Alfie! Aww".
"Morning baby" Morgana smiled as Alfie showed her a gummy grin. His gums were very red and covered in drool as he chomped on his hands so it was only a matter of time before a small tooth popped out.
"He wants milk from your boobies" Amhar announced. "And I need a poo".
"I'll feed Alfie and you go for a poo on the toilet then we'll have breakfast".
"Okay mummy" Amhar smiled as he climbed down from bed and toddled over to the toilet. Morgana smiled as she watched Amhar walk over and Alfie gazed up at her from her breast. She placed lots of kisses on his head, full of light brown hair with bright blue eyes. He was no longer a newborn and now had grown into his personality a bit more, being happy a lot of the time, loving going for walks as he saw everything around him, cuddles and kisses and having Amhar blow raspberries on his belly. Parenting did have its downsides but she didn't want Merlin to miss a thing, grabbing her phone and going to text him when a text came from him— 'missing you xx'.
'Missing you too xx. Do you know how long they're keeping you in for?'
'Waiting for doctor' Merlin's reply came immediately. They FaceTimed while Morgana and the kids had cuddles in bed as Alfie fed, then the doctor had arrived so Merlin had to go and Alfie had finished with his morning feed so they headed downstairs.
"What breakfast mummy?" Amhar asked. "New food?". Amhar had been made aware that every day of the week they'd have the same breakfast as Alfie (porridge, in this case) though slightly more matured up (with chocolate spread or golden syrup!) and rather enjoyed 'decorating' his breakfast.
"Porridge" Morgana replied as she put Alfie into his high chair (Amhar was finally cooperating at meal times and sitting on his chair waiting for his meal).
"Is it new week yet?" Amhar asked.
"It is" Morgana confirmed.
"New breakfast!" Amhar asked.
"Tomorrow. Mummy forgot how to make scrambled eggs".
"Silly mummy!" Amhar facepalmed dramatically. "Is daddy better now?".
"He is phoning now" Morgana smiled as she answered his call. After speaking with the doctor it was determined that Merlin was able to go home, though he had to notify DVLA and stop driving for the foreseeable future. Morgana had never eaten her breakfast so fast, practically gulping it down and putting some of her nicest clothes on from pre-pregnancy (they were rather tight around the bust and not the most breastfeeding friendly, so she made sure to feed Alfie before she headed off and take some expressed milk in case he needed feeding).
"Yay! Daddy coming home!" Amhar exclaimed as he kicked Morgana's seat. They were sat in the car park of the hospital as they waited for Merlin.
"That's right" Morgana smiled. "Mummy's going to phone him". She clicked on his contact and brought the phone to her ear, it dialled a couple of times before he picked up.
"I'm free!" Merlin exclaimed.
"I'm glad" Morgana smiled.
"Whereabouts are you?" Merlin asked. "Which car park?".
"Car park three" Morgana replied. "D I think. The one with the parent and baby spaces".
"Got it" Merlin said. "I'll make my way over".
"I'm waiting" Morgana said. Merlin's figure began getting closer, morgana turned around and stepped out the car as she noticed him coming towards her. Time moved slowly, she stood by the car with her arms outstretched as she couldn't leave the kids waiting for Merlin. He came straight into her embrace, flinging the bag into her back which hit her with a small thud though she didn't care. None of it mattered, she had her husband back home.
"Oh Morgana" Merlin breathed. "It's so good to see you".
"You too" Morgana agreed as she planted kisses all over her husband.
"I'm so sorry for what I did" Merlin said. "How can I make it up to you?".
"You looked after me, I'll look after you" Morgana said as she pulled him in and their foreheads touched.