This Is Where I Come From And Where I'm Going And I'm Lost In Between

The morning of the trial came with a cold nose pressed against his eye. And then a tongue in his ear.

"Garth!" Dean whined, trying to roll over on the small couch, but the big oaf just pressed his cold nose against Dean's naked back. "Fine, fine, I'm up!"

He hopped up and let Garth out and then took in the room. He could smell the morning roast caffeine already started and down the hall, quiet voices and giggles beckoned him forward. It tugged on his heart, filling his head with dreams of a future where his little cabin was a home. He pulled on a shirt and grabbed a mug of steaming hot coffee already brewed for him by Cas before walking down to the bathroom.

There, he found Jack, standing on the toilet with shaving cream over his entire lower face and a plastic knife. Dean leaned against the doorway, not calling attention to himself, and blew on his drink. Cas was shirtless with a towel over his shoulders and wet spikey hair. He had shaving cream on his face as well and held the razer he'd left here, which Dean had never been able to bring himself to throw out.

Cas pulled the razor down his cheek, removing the months of growth and Jack mimicked him, doing the same thing with the back of the plastic utensil. Jack beamed up at his father before they rinsed their "razors" in the sink.

"Looking good, boys," Dean's sleep rough voice stayed steady despite the bursting in his heart.

"It felt like time," Cas said with a smile. His bruises were almost completely healed and the split in his lips was barely a pink link, hardly noticeable at all. He looked more and more like his Cas every day.

"Thanks for the coffee."

"Yeah, I know how you are first thing in the morning. Best to get you caffeinated right away."

Dean blushed and took a sip. "So Jack, how'd you sleep."

"Good!" Jack said, smearing shaving cream across his nose. "I like my room. Dean, is it my room now? I've never had my own room before. Can I paint it? Papa Ishim wouldn't let me paint my room in his house, but I really want a purple room. Purple is my favorite color and I think it would be pretty in there. Daddy said you made the pretty desk. How did you make it? Did you use a saw? I'm not allowed to touch the saw."

Dean stepped back at the onslaught of questions and information. Man, kids are something else.

"Settle down Jack, I told you, there's plenty of time to talk about everything you want to. Let Dean wake up, though. He's kind of like a bear in the morning. You have to let him get his first cup of coffee in."

"I am not." Dean protested.

"You can be an angry sleeper." Cas teases and throws him a wink.

Later at the courthouse, the three of them sat outside the small family court on uncomfortable benches waiting for their case to be called.

"Stop fidgeting," Dean placed a hand on Cas's bouncing knee. "You're going to wrinkle your suit."

"It's uncomfortable," Cas pouted. The slim-cut, professional black suit with a white pinstripe shirt and blue tie wrapped around Cas's body like it was made for him. Which it practically was considering what Dean paid for custom alterations despite Castiel's protests. "And I look ridiculous."

"Cas, if anything, you look too good. Distractingly so. Like devastatingly handsome."

Castiel blushed enough, his ears reddened.

Dean had on a dark brown suit with faint orange pinstripes that looked ridiculously good against his sun-reddened skin and green eyes. He was a wood nymph if ever there was such a thing. And Jack… Castiel couldn't stop smiling every time he looked at the little boy in suit pants, a button-up short-sleeve shirt, matching vest, and bow tie. He'd thought it was overkill until Dean held it up to Jack's throat in the store, and then he melted.

Jack played with a collection of action figures Eileen had given him. He even had a special bag to carry them in so he could be responsible for them. He had a GI Joe, a few of the X-Men, a Barbie, and a Lala Loopsey. The Lala Loopsey was his favorite because it came with a stroller, but Cas had vetoed bringing that to court. An almost four-year-old with dolls was one thing; the stroller might be a bit of a distraction.

"Castiel Novak?" A striking woman with black hair and sunglasses on called out. Sam stood next to her, his lawyer face firmly in place, but he smiled and waved at them before whispering something to the woman he was with.

Cas asked Dean to keep an eye on Jack while he spoke with them.

"Hello, Castiel," she held out her free hand, the other holding a white cane. "My name is Pamela Barnes and I'll be representing you today. I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to meet in person before this, but Sam has been keeping me filled in."

"It's lovely to meet you. Thank you again for your help."

"I'm happy to do so," she smiled bright and kind. She emanated a kind, firm strength that instantly made Cas feel safe.

"Your case is up next. We've submitted all the letters, but the judge may still want to speak with some of the witnesses, so don't be surprised if they are called in from the waiting area. This isn't something to worry about. I know the Judge and she's a stickler for rules. She likes things to be in order, which works for us because we've done everything she could possibly ask for. But you should know a summons was sent to your family."

"They won't come." Cas deadpanned.

"Well, just in case they do, we're ready with the pictures you sent from your abuse and your written statement. I've already submitted them, so the judge should be up to date on everything. I just don't want you to be surprised if that comes up."

"I'd rather it not in front of Jack. He's still so young, but if that's what we have to do." Cas sighed and shrugged.

"Castiel Novak!" An officer of the court called out behind him.

Cas took a deep breath and scooped up Jack in his arms as Dean cleaned up his toys. "Here we go, baby," Cas said into the little boy's hair.

"And then I can live with you for always?" Jack wrapped his arms around his father's neck and Castiel felt his soul shine a little brighter.

"Yeah, that's the plan."

Dean took Cas's other hand and they walked in together.

Pamela, Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack sat at the large table across from the judge's desk. It wasn't a courtroom like Castiel had seen on television. It was more of a large conference room.

Dean squeezed his hand and sat.

The bailiff had them all stand and announced the arrival of Judge Billie de Morte.

"You may sit," she said, sitting down without looking at them and opening the case file on her desk. "So, you would be Castiel Novak? Jack wiggled on his lap but stayed quiet.

"Yes, Ma'am," Cas stood holding his son and responded.

"And then this is your son, Jack, and you would be Dean Winchester. Do I have this right?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"I've reviewed your file and all the testimonials you sent in, and this looks pretty straightforward to me. I just have a few questions."

"Your honor, if I may, I have one last item to submit into evidence." Pamela stood.

"And why am I only getting it now?"

"The results only just arrived this morning, we've been working on a retracted timeframe, but I assure you it's relevant."

Billie raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "Hand it to the bailiff." She ordered and the man who had announced her arrival. "Okay, so what I have here is a DNA paternity test showing positive markers that Castiel Novak is Jack Novak's biological father."

Castiel squeezed Jack a little tighter and placed a kiss on his head.

"Now for my questions."

Cas passed Jack to Dean, who wrapped both arms around Dean's neck. He takes a deep breath, his body quivering with fear and worry. With a sharp tug, he pulls his suit jacket into place and nods at the judge.

"At this moment in time, are you employed?"

Castiel frowns. He knows this is the weakest point in his case. "No, Ma'am, I'm not. I am a full-time student."

Billie stares at him, unblinking, no emotion showing on her face. "And what will you do to support yourself and your son if you are given custody."

"I have a small amount of savings and once this is resolved, I will look for a job. Ideally, in my field, however, I'll take whatever work I can find to support us."

Pamela stood up. "Your honor, Castiel has a proven work ethic and.."

"-Ms. Barnes, this will go a lot quicker if you don't interject at every question I ask."

"I understand, your honor, but-"

"-Sit down, Ms. Barnes."

Sam reached out a hand and supported Pamela as she returned to her seat.

Billie turned her sharp gaze back to Castiel, "And what will you be doing about child care while you are working?"

"I…" Cas stammered, looking to Pamela for help, but she obviously couldn't see him. "I do not currently have a plan," he admitted with his chin held high, "But I will be certain he is well taken care of."

"Hmmm. And in your current living situation, where will Jack sleep?"

"He will have his own room," Cas answered, happy to finally have what felt like the right answer.

"And you? Where will you sleep?"

"Um, in the other room."

"WIth your boyfriend, Dean Winchester."

"Yes."

"And bringing Jack into this living arrangement, is it stable?"

"Yes."

"So he won't have another upheaval in a month if this relationship doesn't work out. The boy appears to already be quite attached to Mr. Winchester, is this situation long term?"

"Yes, ma'am, it is."

"Look, your honor?" Dean stood up, hefting Jack up in his arms as the boy clung to his neck and sucked his thumb. "I'm Dean, the boyfriend in question. I think I can clear up some of these questions for you."

Billie glanced at him and then back to Castiel and spoke as if dismissing him, "Yes, Dean, I've read your statement."

"No, I mean, if you're worried about stability or support, we can go down the hall to the county clerk's office right now and get a marriage license and stop by city hall on our way back. It's not the way I'd like to do things, but if it makes you feel better, I'm down to go tie the knot right now."

"Dean, you don't have to do this," Castiel looked over at him, eyes squinted. "I don't expect you to…"

"I'm not doing anything I don't want to, Cas. I told you I was all in, and if the judge needs that on paper, I got no problem getting that for her. It's not unusual for one person in a relationship to support the other while they're in school or staying home with kids. Why should it be any different for us just because we're men, and if getting married will show the judge that we're serious about this, then let's do it."

"I…" Castiel's hands ached to reach out, to grip Dean's arm and look in his eyes to try and understand what he was saying. He felt like everything was spinning and he needed to keep a handle on himself and his emotions. He couldn't let the tear that had already slipped from his eye be joined by anymore. The idea that Dean would do this for him, for Jack, made Castiel lightheaded.

"Are you two done?" Billie asked.

"I am your honor. Just tell me what you need and I'll get it." Dean flashed his brightest, most charming, beautiful smile and sat back down with Jack.

"Well, that was a lovely little display. Mr. Novak, you can sit back down too. Before I read my ruling, I'd like to discuss the statements submitted on your behalf."

Castiel sat and reached out to hold Dean's hand.

"I have signed affidavits speaking to your fitness as a parent from a number of people. I'm not going to read them all out loud. Still, I want to make sure it's in the record that I received statements from Eileen Winchester, Dean Winchester, Duma Capelli, Charlie Bradberry, Missouri Mosely, Sheriff Jodi Mills, Ellen Hargrave, Claire Thompson, Bobby Singer, Linda Tran, Rufus Turner, and I received a general statement of support from the members and board of directors of the Church of Divine Light. It's an impressive collection of support, Mr. Novak. You have made some very good friends here. I'd like to read you a particular line from one of the statements submitted on your behalf. I'm telling you this because there were a few that weighed heavily in my decision, but this one specifically."

Castiel swallowed, trying desperately not to pick at his nails or look at Dean. He hadn't been allowed to read the letters; they had to be sealed and submitted directly to the court. He hoped he knew what would be included, but in the end, he had no idea and the fear that all of the things he'd been told by the people who were supposed to love him growing up would be echoed in the letters submitted to the court.

"I'm aware of the situation you helped the teenage girls from your church through. One of them, Claire Thompson, wrote something that made my initial decision before you even presented the DNA results. She writes, 'Reverend Cas isn't always easy to like, but when it comes down to it, he's always someone you can rely on. If I had to have a second Dad or something, I'd hope it would be someone like Castiel."

"She's a wordsmith," Dean whispered in his low voice.

Castiel, on the other hand, heard what Billie wanted him to.

"Teens have a way of cutting to the quick of things which I enjoy. This tells me you are kind, but also not easily manipulated despite your past, and that you are someone the people in your life can depend on. So with that," Billie said, closing her file, "I'm prepared to make a ruling."

Someone came into the room through the door behind her desk and slipped her a piece of paper. Castiel watched her read in, her as of yet unflappable appearance now frowning. "It seems we have some last-minute witnesses petitioning to be heard."

The main doors opened at the back of the room, and four people dressed all in grey walked into the room: Ishim, his mother Naomi, older brother Uriel, and Hannah.

Castiel exhaled, all the air fleeing his lungs. When he tried to take a breath, he couldn't find any oxygen in the room. Spots flit across his eyes and when he looked up and saw Ishim smile at him, his equilibrium was upset, flipping him on his side and bringing back the black oily stain he thought he'd finally left behind back. It smothered him, filling his nose and flowing down his throat, but then he felt the warm hand holding his squeeze gently.

Dean was there, looking right at him, grounding him with his goodness. He held Jack easily and sweetly like he'd been there since the boy was born. And his son nestled into Dean's shoulder, tired and overwhelmed but finding comfort in the man holding him.

Castiel took a deep breath and leaned over to Pamela. "Can we stop them from speaking?" he whispered.

"Unfortunately, no. These hearings are open to anyone who wants to speak. I'll do my best with the judge and protest anything inappropriate they say, but as you've seen, Billie doesn't have much interest in what I have to say. However, she doesn't have much interest in anyone, she's all about order, and we have that on our side. Fortunately, justice is blind." She pulled her black sunglasses down her nose and winked one white eye at him with a smile.

"I'm sure it will be fine Castiel, she was about to rule in your favor." Sam adds, "Unless there's something they can say that you didn't tell me, they have nothing they can submit that will change her mind."

"No, no, I told you everything."

"Well, then, try to relax and remember to breathe. And don't interrupt. Don't let them goad you. Judge de Morte or Pamela will handle everything." Sam clapped him on the shoulder in support with a thin smile.

Castiel sat back and Sam poured him a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.

"You're honor," Ishim began but Billie silenced him with the most blood-curdling look Castiel had ever seen.

"As I am the judge, I will be the one speaking," she began, a new aura of authority settling over her that both scared and delighted Castiel to see; not many people could intimidate Ishim. It made Castiel a little giddy. "I understand there are a number of you petitioning to speak against Castiel Novak's petition for custody. However, as he has demonstrated an ability to care for the child and has been proven through DNA to be the boy's father, there's not much of a case to be made short of proving Mr. Novak is somehow causing his son harm, which at this point, I do not believe to be the case.

Ishim Shuley, I'm not interested in the comments of proven abusers. How long before the boy carries the same scars and bruises as his father if he stays with you? As you are Jack's great-uncle, there is no legal precedence for you to make a custody petition when there is a capable parent available. You, sir, are lucky I don't have the evidence gathered against you sent to criminal court so they can arrest you while you're already here.

I am also throwing out Naomi Novak and Uriel Novak's requests to testify as they have no first-hand claim to the boy. However, I will hear from Hannah Angeleno, the sister of the defendant, as she has been the primary caregiver of the boy for the last three years.

"Aunt Hannah!" Jack cried out, eyes wide as he twisted in Dean's embrace.

Hannah's blue eyes were dim when she turned toward Jack. Her lips curled in a pinched smile and her eyes had purplish circles beneath them. Her hair wasn't in its usual smooth waves but looked tangled and her clothing rumpled. It was such a stark contrast from her usual composed demeanor.

Castiel stiffened when he looked over at her. Isham had a hand on her shoulder, giving Cas palpitations. He knew that vacant look and the slope of her shoulders. He'd been the one in her position more than once. Being held up before an audience, forced to recite words he did not mean in his heart, forced to commit the sin of deception before God and man out of fear. She did not meet his gaze or acknowledge Jack beyond the one small smile. What had they made her agree to say?

Ishim grumbled before grabbing Hannah roughly by the arm and whispering into her hair. He pushed her forward before he, Naomi, and Uriel sat in one of the empty rows behind Cas as Hannah stepped forward.

"Ms. Angeleno, do you have a prepared statement?" Billie asked, her gaze neutral.

"No, Ma'am."

"Your honor," Ishim stood, "Hannah does have something specific she would like to say."

"Mr. Shurley, if you open your mouth again, I will have you thrown in a holding cell. Let's be clear, I don't like you and I don't want to hear your voice unless I specifically ask for it. Nod that you understand."

Ishim nodded. A look like brimstone burning in his eyes.

"Ms. Angeleno, are you here of your own free will?" Billie asked.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"And have you been coerced into making a statement?"

"Yes, Ma'am, but I would not do that to my brother or disrespect you that way. What I have to say is mine alone."

Billie tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, interest curling her lips into what might even be a smile. "Go ahead then."

"Your honor," Hannah took a deep breath and Cas could see her hands tremble before she clasped them together in front of her. "By brother, Castiel is my best friend. He is smart, compassionate, and selfless. I have never known of a time when he didn't do his best to do the right thing and help people, even when it was against his own best interest. My greatest shame is that I wasn't a better sister to him."

"-Hannah, no!" Cas stood up, imploring his sister to look at him but instead, the tears she'd been holding in fell down her cheeks.

"He has suffered immeasurable pain and loss, and now he has been given the greatest gift anyone could hope for—the love of a good man and a child who adores him. I did not raise Jack. I cared for Jack with my whole heart and miss him every day, but I was only ever a placeholder for the love only a parent can give him. Castiel is a devout man, a loving father, and my greatest joy. I wish nothing more than for him and his family to be happy."

"So you are not putting forth a petition against Castiel receiving full physical custody," Billie asked.

"No, your honor, I am testifying on my brother's behalf."

"Whore!" Isham stood, his voice a grating assault on the courtroom.

"Balif, please escort this man to a holding cell." Billie barely even blinked as Ishim was hauled out of the court, leaving behind a stunned Naomi and Uriel in his wake.

"Thank you, Ms. Angeleno, your testimony is now recorded for Mr. Novak's file and I'm certain he appreciates your support."

Hannah turned and directed a subdued smile at Castiel before turning away to sit by their glaring mother. Perhaps no one but him understood the risk Hannah just took. The repercussions could be devastating, from the loss of her marriage and children to even physical judgment. He fell back into his chair at the idea of someone else being hurt because of him, but Dean's steadying hand on his shoulder recentered him. Hannah did what she felt was right and was willing to face the consequences. This had been her gift to him.

"Now, if I have everyone's permission, I'd like to make my ruling," Billie's face flashed with irritation looking over at Naomi and Uriel.

The bailiff called for everyone to stand.

"Full legal and physical custody is hereby granted to Castiel Novak. I will forward the results of this case to the clerk's office and an official birth certificate listing you as the father and Kelly Kline as the mother will be issued along with a social security card. There are no further steps you need to take at this time. Please allow me to be the first to congratulate Father and Son."

Billie smiled finally, an earth-shatteringly beautiful sight, and swept out of the room.

Cas sat in shock, but Dean shifted Jack in his arms to sit between the two men. "You hear that, Jack? You get to stay, you and your Daddy get to stay together and no one can take you away again."

Castiel pulled Dean into a hug, squashing Jack between them as the stress tears he'd been holding in broke through in loud sobs. "Jack!" He said, clutching the boy and kissing his head. "Dean!" he leaned into the first kiss Dean had granted him since they returned to Sioux Falls and his world splintered, everything he thought was holding him back, all the horrors that haunted him became irrelevant in the soft warmth of Dean's lips and the sweet boy still holding on between them.

"Castiel?" Hannah's soft voice finally reached him. He turned to find her standing just behind him, a few soft tears in the corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more sooner. Please, be happy. You of everyone deserves to be happy."

"Hannah," Naomi scolded behind her and when Castiel looked up, neither his mother nor brother would meet his eyes.

"Thank you, Hannah." He stood and reached for her, pulling her into a soft hug as if afraid too much pressure might cause her to crumble and fall apart. "If there's ever anything I can do for you? You know you could stay here."

Hannah shook her head. "No, I have to return to my children. I will miss you, Castiel. Perhaps someday we'll see each other again."

"You know where I'll be, and you are always welcome."

Hannah looked at Dean with a fond smile before leaning in to kiss Jack's cheek. "Goodbye, my little soldier. You be good for your Daddy and Dean, and remember how much I love you."

"Aunt Hannah!" Jack reached out and clung to her but she didn't take him from Dean's arms, just kissed the boy on the head again, sniffing as her tears fell.

"I'll miss you both so very much." Her smile wavered as her eyes filled with water and her breath became ragged.

"I love you, little sister."

"I know," she nodded.

Hannah wandered away and Dean whispered, "Did your religious fanatic sister just Han Solo you?"

Castiel started laughing between his tears, emotions swirling too fast to determine which he felt before the next befell him. He kissed Dean again and pulled Jack up into his arms. He kept laughing as he hugged Sam and Pamela and didn't stop as they joined everyone waiting in the courthouse to announce the official ruling. He laughed and kissed pretty much anyone he came into contact with. His joy was infections, like all the hopes and dreams and happiness he'd denied himself for his whole life came pouring out all at once. Dean invited everyone over to celebrate on Saturday, knowing Castiel and Jack were too tired to deal with so many people today.

He cried and laughed the entire ride home.

After a quiet dinner during which Jack managed to get Dean to promise to help him paint his room purple, Castiel put Jack to bed and found himself alone with Dean. Most nights, it had been easy to fall back into being together, a few gentle touches and domestic routine, but tonight he wanted nothing more than to kiss the beautiful man who had offered to marry him in front of a judge for the sake of his son.

They sat on the couch, drinking tumblers of whiskey.

"Dean, about what you said today…"

"I said a lot of things, Cas. Meant every one of them too." Dean's cheeks pinkened a touch. "But we don't have to do anything. You have custody now."

"Yeah, but I did think about it. I've thought about it before, actually, and I think it's a good idea."

"What?" Dean's head jerked up and his eyes went wide.

"I think…" He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling for a minute to steady his nerves. "I think you deserve to know that I'm in this too. I hurt you and there's no way to undo that, but if you'll have me, I'd like to show you how I feel about us, about our family. To commit before God that you are my soul. You own my heart, no matter what, and I'm here. I'm 'in it' as you say, and I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I never want to hurt you again."

Dean stared at him a moment too long like he wasn't sure at what moment the joke was going to become funny.

Castiel put his drink down and scooted closer to Dean, who looked like he might kiss him or throw up. He put his hands on Dean's arms and looked at him earnestly. "Dean Winchester, when you're ready, will you marry me? Will you help me raise Jack and be his father and spend your life being slightly irritated with me? Will you allow me to love you and take care of you for the rest of our lives?"

"Holy fuck, Cas. I mean, I meant it, of course, but I don't want to pressure you…"

"Dean?" Cas looked up at him through black lashes. "I love you. I've never loved anyone but you and I never will. If it's not what you want, that won't stop me from loving you, but if that piece of paper you offered the judge would mean as much to you as it would to me, let's do this. And it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. We can wait, we can take our time with everything, as long as you know I love you and that someday, I'd be honored to be yours."

Dean nodded, placing his hands on Cas's cheeks, and pulled him close before folding him into his arms. "I love you too."

He pulled back and dropped his lips down to Castiel's, nibbling on the lower one until Cas reached out to taste him. The kiss was intoxicating, filled with endorphins and love and dreams of a life yet led. "Okay, yes… yes…" Dean whispered.

"Come to bed with me tonight?" Cas asked.

"Yeah," he nodded before diving in to kiss Castiel senseless.