Trigger Warning: Just MAJOR Fawkes things. PM me if you want more specifics because it's pretty spoilery.

Régine Maurin, 18, District 3 Tribute POV

There is definitely something going on between Fawkes and Binah.

I've been watching them for the last couple of days. They keep shooting little glances at each other across the dinner table. Then Fawkes scored an eleven in training and re-enacted how he got it just to make Binah laugh. I've been wanting to say something but I haven't been able to. Fawkes is still a mess and Binah still absolutely hates me.

I watch through a crack in the door as Binah says goodbye to Fawkes. He's about to leave for his date with Manel. I probably shouldn't be spying on them but, if one of them is ever going to break and admit their feelings for the other, now would be the time.

But Fawkes leaves before that time comes. I sigh as the elevator doors close behind him.

And Binah hears me.

"Ramona?" She asks. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry," I open the door, resigning myself to my fate. "I'm not Ramona."

"Oh," Binah's hands clench into fists by her sides. "It's you. What do you want?"

"I'm sorry," I say. "I wanted to watch you say goodbye to Fawkes. I know it sounds really stupid..."

"Yeah, it is stupid," Binah says, bitterly. "What were you expecting to happen?"

"Something romantic," I say. "I don't know. I have a gut feeling that you two..."

Binah glares at me. I trail off.

"Maybe if you used your brain instead of your gut, my best friend would still be alive," Binah snaps.

There it is. The mention of Binah's best friend, Dellon Takeda.

My first kill.

I know that, whatever I do, I won't be able to bring him back. I won't even be able to change how I killed him. I can't make it quick or painless. I can't make Binah stop mourning him.

"If I'd known that you existed, if I'd thought about you..." I say. But it's not good enough to say that I would've done something different. Because I didn't. I did what I did.

I take a deep breath, ready to try again. "I didn't enjoy it."

"What?" Binah asks.

"I didn't enjoy killing anyone," I say. "I did it for attention. I did it because I was scared and lonely. And the only part of it that made me feel better was the thought of how many people would love me because of what I did. But now I know that you hate me."

"I do," Binah says, simply.

Because it is simple. She hates me. She'll never stop hating me.

"I promise I'll never do anything like that again," I sob. "I'll do anything to make up for killing Dellon. I'll... I'll save Fawkes."

Binah's eyes light up at the mention of her tribute's name. I realise there's only one way I can redeem myself.

"I know he's struggling at the moment," I say. "I know you care about him. I'm his district partner. It's my job to keep him safe. I'll protect him for you. I'd even give my life if I have to."

"Then do you expect me to forgive you?" Binah asks.

"I expect I'll be able to forgive myself," I say. "Fawkes loves you, you know. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you."

Binah laughs, bitterly. "If he loves me, what's he doing with Manel?"

"I don't think he's ready to admit it yet," I say. "Do you love him?"

Binah looks conflicted. "I shouldn't."

"Why shouldn't you?" I ask.

"Because he has a boyfriend," Binah says. "He's annoying and he could... he could die tomorrow. And I'm..."

She trails off.

"You're what?" I ask.

"I'm scared of losing him again," she whispers. "I'm scared of losing him like I lost Dellon."

Binah sighs. I know she's never going to admit it to me but it's clear that there's a place for Fawkes in her heart.

"Fawkes won't die. Not if I can help it," I say.

Binah looks at me like I'm a completely different person.

"Promise me you'll protect him," she says, her voice shaking.

"I promise," I say.

"Great," Binah says, her voice full of false happiness. She looks like she's about to cry but she's holding back tears because she doesn't want to cry in front of me. "Now go away."

"Okay," I whisper. I turn to leave.

"Régine, wait," Binah cries. "If something happens to Fawkes... and he's in pain and there's no way you can save him... just... make it quick."

"I understand," I say.

I walk out of the room with a whole new purpose. I'm going to make up for all the terrible things I did.

I'm going to get all of my allies out of the arena alive. Even if it kills me.

Fawkes Chau, 19, District 3 Tribute POV

When I see Manel, the first thing I notice is that he looks different to before. His skin has a yellowish tinge, his hair is thicker and, when he smiles at me, his teeth are blindingly white.

But it's only been three years. He can't have changed too much. Maybe something's just wrong with my eyes.

Maybe something's wrong with my heart as well. I don't feel the same rush of joy and excitement as I did last time I saw him.

Maybe I've just got used to being around victors.

Manel rushes over to me and throws his arms around me. He's crying already. I suppose I should be crying as well but I'm not and I don't know why.

As Manel sobs on my shoulder I try to remember what it was like kissing him before. Was it that... chaotic. Tears are spilling down his face. His entire body is shaking.

I suppose I should be glad to have such a gorgeous guy so madly in love with me but all I can think is Why?

Was I really that good? Did I really do something to earn this? How can a guy who's had so many lovers fall so hard for a guy who's only kissed him twice? Does everyone in the Capitol have bad breath or something?

"Easy, Manel," I whisper. "Everything's going to be fine... right?"

"Yeah," Manel says. He doesn't sound entirely convinced. "Oh, Fawkes, I love you so much. I thought I'd lost you forever. I..."

I take Manel's face in my hands and kiss him. The world feels strangely off-balance. I need to make things right again, like they were in my interview. I need to summon all the old feelings I had for Manel.

You're kissing the mutt-slayer. I tell myself. You're kissing the most attractive man in Panem.

Why isn't that making you feel better?

Maybe I need to take things further. I start undoing the buttons of Manel's shirt. I work quickly; I'm used to making out with people at parties. I slide my hands along his skin, desperate to just feel something good. I need some sign that my games hasn't completely killed my sense of wonder.

But I feel nothing. I feel empty. I feel broken.

Please, I silently beg Manel. Do something. Make me better. Make me feel safe. Make me think that everything's going to be okay.

My mind races, trying to outrun the panic building up in me. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. But I can't pull away from Manel. He's the one who's supposed to make me better.

But it's not working. Nothing's working.

I realise that I need to get away from Manel. I need to stop lying to him. And in a relationship built on lies, every kiss, every caress, every moment of closeness is dishonest.

I can't do this anymore.

I try to pull away from Manel but leans closer to me, trying not to break our kiss. I have to shove Manel away.

"I can't," I cry. Manel reaches a hand towards my face but I bat it away.

"What do you mean?" He asks. He looks like he's just been woken up from a really good dream

"I can't make things how they used to be..." I sob. "I can't make myself want you again. I... Manel... I don't want you anymore."

"No..." Manel whispers. "Last time... you..."

"I lied," I say. "I was a kid meeting his hero. I just wanted you because you were famous and cool and gorgeous. I didn't think you'd actually want me back. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry."

I turn to leave.

"But you came," Manel calls after me. "And I do want you back. Please don't go. I love you."

"You shouldn't," I say, without even turning around. "I'm only going to hurt you."

"I don't care," Manel cries. "Hurt me. Just please don't leave me."

I ignore him and walk away. I manage to hold myself together until the elevator doors close behind me. Then I collapse to the floor, sobbing.

I'm a monster. I took the most amazing guy in Panem and managed to infect him with my poison. This is all my fault.

I don't know how I find the strength to get up when the elevator reaches the District 3 floor. It's only when I find myself standing before the bathroom mirror that I see them. The two monsters.

One of them has long, dark green tentacles that are wrapped around my limbs. I'm being controlled like a puppet. The other one has messy hair, glasses and swollen lips from stolen kisses. He's the worst one. The monster who lies, pretends to be someone who he's not.

The monster pretending to be Fawkes Chau.

I look him right in the eye.

"Do you want to kill me?" I ask my reflection.

"No," my reflection replies. "You don't deserve the easy way out."

I search for sharp objects and find a glass bottle of perfume on a shelf. I lock the door, turn on all the taps to drown out the noise and break it open. The scent of magnolias fills the air. I'm suddenly reminded of that night on the sofa with Binah. I could smell magnolias then.

It hurts to think about her. My victor. My protector. My guiding light. I want to run to her, to get her to make everything better.

But I know I'm not good enough for her. I'm Frankenstein's monster, the reanimated corpse. I'm made of broken glass and poison.

I'm selfish to want Binah Katayanagi to hold me again. It'll only get her hurt like Manel got hurt.

I'll only break her heart like I broke her bottle of perfume.

I stand before the mirror, the sharpest shard of glass in my hand, and give myself up to the monster's tentacles. It's everywhere now, in my head, controlling my every move. I know that it's useless to struggle as the tentacles constrict around my limbs and guide me to make small cuts along my arm. At this point, I'm just numb to it all.

At least, I am until there's a metallic clink and the door swings open. Suddenly, Binah's standing there, looking horrified. I realise why.

There's broken glass everywhere. She hates broken glass.

"Let me just put that in the bin," I say.

"No," Binah says. "We need to get you some bandages."

And that's when I realise exactly what I've done.

Binah Katayanagi, 21, District 3 Mentor POV

I am grateful for four things.

I am grateful that Fawkes didn't injure himself too seriously. The cuts he made are quite shallow and didn't hit any major blood vessels.

I am grateful that Lumas taught me how to pick locks.

I am grateful that Ramona taught me how to treat cuts.

I am grateful that I decided on a whim to buy a bottle of perfume while Fawkes was being dressed for the parade.

The last one's the one that lingers on my mind as I sit Fawkes down on the sofa, away from sharp objects. I've already bandaged the cuts on his arm. The bleeding has stopped. Now the biggest worry is avoiding infection in the arena.

I've never bought perfume before. I never really saw the point of trying to impress people with how good I smelled. But I'm glad I did. Because if Fawkes hadn't found my bottle of perfume, he might've found Ramona's instead and she keeps poison in most of her perfume bottles.

I don't know what would've happened if Fawkes had poisoned himself.

This all seems unimportant now that Fawkes has cut himself and I'm scared he might hurt himself more in the arena but I think I'm falling for him.

"What did Manel do to you?" I ask Fawkes.

I'm pushing through the shock of it all. Fawkes was in such a good mood when he left. The interview had put him in really high spirits. I'd known since he almost killed himself on the train that he was in danger of harming himself but I didn't think that his mood could plummet so quickly.

Something must've gone wrong with Manel.

"Nothing," Fawkes says. "Manel did nothing to me. We kissed and I felt nothing. And I don't understand why. I used to be crazy for Manel. Just the thought of him would give me butterflies in my stomach. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," I say, honestly. "But I want to find out so I can help you. What's the problem with falling out of love with Manel? You barely know him in real life. Based on what I've seen from him in the Control Centre, he's a lot less sexy in real life than he was in his games."

"I really upset him," Fawkes says. "I led him on and then I broke his heart. I never used to do that. I used to be honest to my boyfriends. And girlfriends."

"Hey," I say, gently. "I bet you had good intentions when you met him. I bet you thought you were going to win and become this ultra-awesome victor power-couple. That's what you like, right?"

"That's what I liked," Fawkes says. "I don't get joy from what I used to like anymore. I'm just either scared or empty or... I just hate what I am. I don't even feel like myself. I don't feel human."

He looks so small and vulnerable. It makes me feel so helpless. I want to protect him from the monster in his head that's taking all his joy away from him, making him feel so trapped. But I can only do so much. I can't get into Fawkes' head and make all his problems go away.

But I can help him find something worth saving in himself.

"Fawkes," I whisper. "Can I show you something?"

"Okay," he says.

Gently, I take his hand and press it to his chest. "Feel that?"

"My heartbeat?" Fawkes asks. He looks at me with so much pain and wonder in his eyes, my heart flutters.

"You have a human heart," I say. "You just want to be loved."

"No!" Fawkes cries, pushing me away. "I don't."

"Why not?" I ask. I hope I don't sound too pleading. At this point, I don't want Fawkes to love me. I just want him to be okay.

"Because it's selfish," Fawkes says. "Because it's just asking people to get hurt. I hurt the people who love me. I hurt Manel."

"Manel never loved you," I say.

Fawkes looks at me, wide eyed. There are tears spilling down his face.

"Manel loved the idea of you," I carry on. "He had this version of you in his head. But it wasn't the real you."

Fawkes laughs, a broken, hysterical cackle. "That's because there's no real me. I'm always lying to everyone. Nobody will ever see the real me. I can't find the real me anymore."

"So that night, the night we..." I trail off, not sure how to describe it. I know that Fawkes knows. "How real was that?"

Fawkes blushes. He looks like he's caught between breaking down in tears and smiling.

"That night, with you..." Fawkes says. "That was the first time I was who I wanted to be but... I wasn't pretending to be that guy. I was... it was real."

"What happened tonight that means you can't feel like that ever again?" I ask. "I know that things look dark at the moment but I'm going to get you through the Quell and then I'll help you get better."

Fawkes looks down at all the bandages wrapped around his left arm. I know what he's thinking. He's hurt himself in ways he didn't know he was capable of.

Now he's scared it might happen again. He's scared that he's crossed some kind of line tonight and there's no going back.

"It was easy," he whispers. "Why was it so easy?"

"I don't know," I say. "Every time I look at you, I don't understand why anyone would be able to hurt you. I just... wish you could see all the wonderful things that you're capable of. I just know that you're not evil. You're not a monster. Maybe you've made a few mistakes but nothing to deserve what you're going through."

"What do I deserve?" Fawkes asks.

"To be safe," I say. "And happy."

"But I can't-"

"You can," I say. "Things will get better once you've made it through the Quell. I promise."

Fawkes starts crying. Carefully, I pull him close to me and let him cry on my shoulder. I remember all the times that I've held him before, all the times he's needed me to comfort him.

I'm getting used to being close to Fawkes. It feels strange and exhilarating. After I lost Dellon, I've been shutting the world out. I've been so scared of losing someone else that I never let anyone in.

But I had to let Fawkes in. I had to protect him from himself. And now he's in, I can't stop thinking about him.

On the last day of my games, Ramona sent me a compass. It was a normal compass. It pointed north. It never pointed to Fawkes but it still led me to him. I only knew I had to look for him because of the compass.

Now I'm feeling something similar, this magnetic pull towards Fawkes. I've felt it every day since he was brought back. I felt it when he was trembling in my arms over a particularly bad flashback and I felt it when he was on top of the world, piecing his interview plan together like an intricate puzzle.

I think I'm in love with him. I think, even if Fawkes hadn't needed so much support, it would've happened anyway. A few times, I've noticed that he's been going out of his way to make me smile, like telling ridiculous jokes at the dinner table and asking me how my day's been. I've never had someone try so hard to cheer me up since I lost Dellon.

I never realised how lonely I was until Fawkes came back.

"Fawkes," I whisper. "I lo-"

"Don't, Binah," Fawkes murmurs. "Please, I don't want to talk. Just... hold me."

He's scared. I can hear it in his voice. I think of what he said earlier, about hurting the people who loved him.

I trust Fawkes never to hurt me on purpose. I think the only person he'll willingly hurt is himself. But he might hurt me without wanting to.

If he dies in the arena, for example.

I realise that I can't tell Fawkes that I love him. He's not ready. I can't put that kind of pressure on him. I just need to wait until he's stronger.

So I make the most of just having him close to me. I know they'll take him away in the morning and I might never see him again. So I memorise every detail I can. The warmth of his arms around me. The rim of his glasses pressing gently into my neck. His hair tickling my cheek.

The beat of his human heart.

As long as that heart is beating, I can't lose hope.

Sorry for making that chapter so dark. Hopefully, the end of Binah's POV made up for it. First let's deal with some of the serious business. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, get out but make sure it's safe to do so. I broke Fawkes and Manel up because I thought their relationship was unhealthy for both of them (more on that later) and, while I'll probably write an AU where they work out their issues and stay together, you don't get AUs in real life. If you want to fix your relationship but can't think of a way it'll get any better besides changing the past and creating an alternate universe, it's probably the best idea to end it. Also, self-harm is never the answer. If you have thoughts of self-harm, or are worried about someone, get help from a professional. You deserve so much better.

This chapter focuses a lot on relationships. The first one is the hatred that Binah has for Régine. Régine wants forgiveness but Binah is probably never going to fully forgive Régine for what she did to Dellon. So Régine's taken it upon herself to protect Fawkes and make up for Dellon's death.

Then there's the breakup between Fawkes and Manel. When I wrote my first draft of From The Ashes, I had no idea they were going to break up but it slowly dawned on me that their relationship in this particular AU is really unhealthy. It's a relationship built on mutual infatuation, which neither Fawkes nor Manel were able to move on from. In Fawkes' case, his trauma causes him to fall out of love with the games and also fall out of love with Manel. In Manel's case, his isolation and attachment issues causes his crush to spiral into an obsession. They end up bringing out the worst in each other, not because they're completely wrong for each other but because there's an obstacle they just can't overcome together. I still think that, under different circumstances, Fawkes and Manel could stay together without making each other unhappy but that's for a completely different AU.

Then there's the romance blossoming between Binah and Fawkes. They're not quite a couple yet but I think you can see where this is going. Can you believe it? I didn't plan it in my first draft. I remember that one of the first reviews I ever got was a guest review and one of my favourite lines about Fawkes was "You seem to be foreshadowing a romance between him and Binah." I remember reading that and doing an evil laugh because that was the opposite of what I had planned. Then... the romance happened anyway. I think it's because one of my favourite storylines ever in a Hunger Games fan fiction is the one in All Stars Careers Redux by LadyCordeliaStuart where (spoiler alert) a tribute who came second but was resurrected falls in love with the victor who'd killed him after she helps him survive a resurrection games. I wanted to write a relationship with a similar dynamic in this games and I guess Binah and Fawkes were already subconsciously in my head. I'm kind of amazed that I managed to get them both to this point, to be honest. They've both come such a long way from Chapter 1 of The Bride and The Widow.

I've been trying not to present Fawkes' mental illness as the reason Binah fell for him. It's actually one of the main reasons why they're still just friends, despite having feelings for each other. Fawkes is in denial because his self-esteem is so low that he believes he isn't good enough for Binah. Binah is scared of doing something that'll hurt Fawkes more. It's a major obstacle that Fawkes will have to overcome. The injuries he's given himself are likely to affect him in the arena as well.

Next chapter is the countdown. Sorry for making this author's note absurdly long. I've just got a lot of things to say about this chapter.