Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.
Pacing back and forth, alone, in the dusty training room, is a single figure. Amar, the bold, outgoing adventurer, who could make friends with an empty soda can. Amar, whom no one would expect to see at this hour, by himself, a mix of angst and dread on his face.
I fucked up, a voice in his head repeats, over and over.
Not in the way some people might think. Sure, he left the compound late at night to go fool around with Zeke and Jarrod. Sure, he might've gotten blackout drunk in front of his boss, and sure, the Noses are gonna give him hell for what he did, but that's far from the worst of it.
No, he screwed himself over when he let himself get too close… to the Stiff.
Wait - why is he still calling him that? Tobias Eaton isn't your average, boring, uptight Stiff. He isn't just Marcus Eaton's son. He's someone Amar can't help but root for, and not just because he's got serious guts, a brain to match, and a whole lot of determination. No, there's another thing brewing beneath the surface. Something that makes him… attractive to Amar.
Shit, I'm only nineteen years old, Amar thinks. My career's just getting started. I can't screw it up with this.
But he will, if he doesn't get his feelings under control. The whispers are already going around. "Yo, did you hear? We were out playing Dare, and Amar let the Stiff tag along. He practically begged us to let him come." "No way, seriously? Is he catching feelings?" Followed by several rounds of laughter. And a few utterances of the "F" word. No, not that "F" word.
Course, if everyone finds out, Amar won't just have to deal with accusations of favoritism, and the other issues that crop up, whenever an instructor is caught dating an initiate. He'll feel the fallout, from everyone uncovering this hidden part of himself. Except for his grandparents, no one close to him has ever found out that he's gay.
He himself didn't know it, as a child. In hindsight, there were little clues, here and there. When he was five, he'd go up to some of the boys in his class, like Jarrod and Kendrick and Zach, and tell them, really loudly, that he had a crush on them. The teachers didn't think much of it. They mostly laughed - so funny! This kid doesn't know what he's saying! But they never tried to correct him, and so Amar felt comfortable, knowing he wasn't like the other Dauntless boys.
Things changed drastically, when he was in his teens. It seemed like suddenly, this strict "guy code" just came down out of nowhere, and imposed itself on all the boys in Dauntless. Suddenly, all the boys were expected to only wear certain clothes, only say certain things, and only act in one way - like a "real" man. "Real" men don't hug or kiss other men - that would be "gay". The most they can do, is a one-handed pat on the back.
Amar felt weirded out by all these new rules, but there was so much peer pressure. He had to follow the crowd. So he pretended he didn't feel totally lost, listening to all his guy friends talk about their dates with girls, and their sexual conquests. He pretended it didn't feel like listening to a foreign language, and getting only a surface-level understanding, of what's being said. Once, he even made up a story about scoring his own one-night stand. With a girl, of course.
But everything still felt, on some level, wrong. Until one of Amar's classmates, a girl, asked him if he might be interested in guys. That girl was from Amity - where same-sex marriage is legal and accepted.
After that, things changed again. It was like Amar's whole world turned on its axis. Allowing himself to fall in love with other guys, for the first time, was the most liberating thing in the world. He didn't have to do as much conforming anymore. He felt as free as a wrongly convicted man busting out of prison.
That feeling didn't last for long. See, when somebody dares to break the mold, and be themselves where they're not permitted to, everyone will let them know, that they're wrong. There'll be an immediate pushback, even from the person's closest friends. That happened with Amar. When he started seeing his first boyfriend, a classmate of theirs began looking at them funny. Asking them these not-so-subtle questions, about why Amar would hold hands with his "friend", and why they'd spend so much time staring into each other's eyes. That classmate began going out of his way to avoid them, like they'd caught some contagious virus.
It all became too much. Amar needed someone to confide in. He thought about telling Jarrod, but then, Jarrod's someone who casually tosses around the phrase, "That's so gay." Amar eventually made up his mind to tell his grandparents - they said they'd always love and support him, in whatever he did. It was the hardest thing he'd ever done, even harder than going through Dauntless initiation, but he came out to Grandma and Grandpa.
Both of them were understanding and supportive. Grandma was actually surprised, that Amar took so long to say something. At that moment, a little bit of the weight on Amar's shoulders was taken off. He was able to feel some of that freedom again, knowing he had someone to talk to.
Then he passed Dauntless initiation, and news of Grandpa's cancer reached him, not even five minutes after the ceremony. Everything happened quicker than he could make sense of it - Grandpa decided to take the jump, and a heartbroken Grandma swore that she'd follow him. They told Amar to "be brave". And then they both drowned, together. Leaving Amar alone again.
And now, he's right back where he started. Wishing he could get closer to that boy he likes, but fearing the repercussions if he gets too close. His friends turning their backs on him. His boss firing him. The stigma that'll be attached to Tobias, as well.
What do I plan on doing, if Tobias turns out to be… what's it called? Homophobic? If he's disgusted with this part of who I am?
Then there's that other scenario. If Tobias is just waiting for Amar to make the first move, but Amar never confesses his feelings. What's worse - to pass up on your one chance at love, or risk getting outed in a faction that won't accept you?
The initiates are starting to file in, so Amar puts on a façade of professionalism. He'll treat Tobias like a student, and nothing more. He can work all of this out later, but he'll have to act fast.
Amar looks at all the initiates, then gets down to business. "Transfers, it's eight o' clock. Time to start the fights. The last day of the combat stage begins, now."
Tobias, Year 2143
When I wake, I'm hit with a feeling of lightheadedness. All of my muscles feel weighed down, and nearly every part of my body hurts. Especially my head. Oh God, my head.
Damn it. I'm hungover.
I blink rapidly a few times, so the objects in the room swim back into focus. Eric is perched on the edge of a mattress nearby, tying his shoelaces. The blue-and-green bruises on his face are finally starting to fade, and his nose is no longer so swollen.
He gives me a disapproving look. "Toby, you look like hell."
I make myself sit up. The sudden, dizzying motion makes my head throb more. I was stupid to get so drunk, the night before my most important fight.
"Hate to say this, but I think you're gonna lose," Eric tells me. "And I don't know if Amar's gonna accept you using… this as an excuse."
"Do I need to be reminded?" I groan. "I know I was dumb. It was just too good of an offer to resist, going out with the Dauntless-borns and playing their games."
Eric asks me, what game could possibly have diverted my focus from training. That's when I tell him about Amar's invitation, and Zeke and Shauna, and the dare, and my new tattoo.
"And that's worth losing your last fight?" Eric asks, frowning. "You could've gotten that tattoo anytime. Get it together, Toby. You can't finish behind Amy in the ranks."
He gets up and stretches. "See you down there. You better beat him," he says, somewhat harshly, and leaves the dormitory. I cradle my head in my hands for a few seconds, then I drag myself up to a standing position, and hobble to the bathroom to take a shower. I have to stand with half my body under the water and half out, because of the ink on my side.
The Dauntless stuck around for hours, waiting for the tattoo to be finished, and by the time we left, all the flasks were sucked dry. Tori gave me a thumbs-up as I stumbled out of the tattoo parlor, and Zeke slung an arm across my shoulders and said proudly, "I think you're one of us now."
Last night, I was relishing the words. I rode on a high, feeling the most Dauntless I've ever felt. Now I wish I could have my old head back, the one that was focused and determined and didn't have a whole group of tiny men with hammers inside it. I let the cool water spill over me for a few more minutes, then I check the clock on the bathroom wall.
Ten minutes to the fight. I'm about to be late. And Eric is right - I'm going to lose.
AN: I wanted to do a chapter from Amar's perspective, since they only briefly mentioned in the third book that he had romantic feelings for Tobias, and it was never really alluded to in Four's backstory.
As you might've figured, Eric's mindset is going to change from here on out. Let me know what you think, in the reviews.