Title: Meeting in a Rose Garden
Summary: Mac reconnects with someone she knew in law school. (West Wing Crossover) (Mac/Other, Mac/Harm friendship)
Note: I've actually always liked John Farrow. Even though their relationship was inappropriate, I thought he was a decent guy and liked him the most out of the men we saw her with.
Part Twenty-Nine
The coffee shop was nearly empty, and Mac was thankful for that. She imagined this little reunion was going to be uncomfortable. John Farrow had been surprised, and a little too pleased to hear from her. When she told him that they needed to talk, he had immediately invited her over to his place.
She had immediately declined.
She felt a little guilty and slightly ridiculous for declining. After all, she and John had known each other for a very long time and she trusted him. But appearances were important, especially right now. She could just imagine him taking the stand and testifying about their relationship. She imagined gossip pages and news stations running a photo of her, and one of his neighbors seeing the photo and recognizing her. Then of course they'd call the news station and report that Sarah MacKenzie had been recently seen entering or leaving his apartment. And she wasn't about to make things more complicated for her, for him, or for Sam.
Mac ordered a coffee and a butterscotch scone from the young woman working the counter, and then made her way to a table in the back of the shop. She sat with her back to the wall, and watched the door while she picked at the scone. She hadn't been waiting long when the bell on the door jingled and John walked in. He was still an incredibly handsome man. He still wore his grey hair as short as he had as a Marine, and he wore jeans that fit nicely, and a burgundy sweater. She stood to greet him, and he immediately pulled her close for a hug.
"It's so good to see you, Sarah." He pulled back and kissed her cheek.
She smiled and nodded. "It's good to see you too."
He grinned and gave her a subtle once over, taking in the snug jeans and the form-fitting black sweater with a low neckline. "You look wonderful."
"Thank you." She blushed and moved back to her seat.
"I'm guessing you called about the Vickie Hilton case." He looked up as a young woman approached him and asked if he'd like anything. He gestured at Mac's partially eaten scone. "One of those please. And a bottle of water." She nodded and walked back to the counter and his eyes fell on Mac's cup of coffee. "I've never understood how you're able to drink coffee this late and still manage to fall asleep." The young woman came back with the scone and the water, and when she had left, he turned his attention back to Mac.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was soft, and she couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze.
"Sarah. Look at me." She looked up let out a breath. His eyes were kind and his face was gentle. "You have nothing to apologize for."
She shook her head. "I do though. If it hadn't been for Chris Ragle, no one would know that you and I were once involved. This is all my fault."
"It's not your fault." He twisted the cap off of the water and took a sip. "If anything, I owe you an apology."
She frowned. "What for?"
"Our entire relationship." He sighed softly and shook his head. "You were so young, and I know it was consensual, but it was wrong. And I knew it was wrong. But I wanted you desperately and had since the moment I first saw you." She blushed and looked down at the table top. He watched her in silence for a moment, and felt an almost overwhelming urge to touch her. "I wanted you," he finally continued, "and once I knew you were leaving, and once I suspected the feelings were returned, all of my self-control went out the window."
"Don't apologize," she said softly. "I don't regret our time together." She looked up and met his eyes. "You were the first man who made me feel good about myself. I know we had to sneak around, but you never made me feel cheap. Being with you taught me that I deserved more than what I had always believed I would end up with."
He smiled and picked off a piece of the scone. "I'm glad. So, tell me. What is your opinion of Vickie Hilton?"
Her brow furrowed as she thought about the question. She instinctively wanted to dodge the question, but then realized she didn't need to, since she wasn't professionally involved with the case. She shrugged. "I don't really have one." He raised an eyebrow and she shrugged. "I don't."
"The Sarah MacKenzie I knew always had an opinion."
"I don't know. I guess I just don't understand why she's fighting this so hard. She broke the rules and she got caught. But instead of ending the relationship, she kept it going and even seemed to flaunt it, which is what lead to all of this. And now, she's claiming that if she were a man none of this would have ever happened." She ran a finger over the edge of the white mug. "I think she's right in a way. This wouldn't be as big of an issue if she were a man, only because a man probably would have ended the relationship when he was told to. I mean, I'm sure you would have."
John blushed and looked away. He let out a breath and slowly counted to ten before looked back at her. She was a smart woman and an intuitive one, and she knew what he was thinking.
"John…" The word came out as a whisper. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth was slightly open, and he was taken back to the night in his office in Okinawa when he had kissed her for the first time. She had said his name almost the exact same way. It had been the first time she had used his given name instead of his title, and he had immediately kissed her again. His eyes moved to her mouth, and he could almost taste the strawberry flavored lip gloss she had favored back then. His eyes met hers and he swallowed.
"If you had loved me, I wouldn't have been able to walk away from you." She gasped, and he forced himself to maintain eye contact. "I wouldn't have pulled either of us through the mud, and I wouldn't have disobeyed an order. But if you had loved me, I would have resigned my commission for you." He smiled at her, but the smile was sad, and it made her heart ache. "But you never did, did you?"
She swallowed and slowly shook her head. She didn't want to say this, but she knew that he deserved total honesty. "No. I cared for you. But I was never in love with you." Mac took a sip of her coffee and winced. It had turned cold, and she pushed it away. "I'm going to get a refill. I'll be right back." She hopped up and made her way to the counter. She had to wait a minute for a fresh pot to finish brewing, and was thankful for the distance from John and the feelings he apparently still had for her. They hadn't talked in years, and she had always hoped he'd have moved on. He obviously hadn't. She smiled as the barista dumped the cold coffee into the sink and refilled the cup, and then carefully made her way back to their table.
"Are you okay?"
She shook her head. "Honestly, no. Now I feel guilty all over again, for pulling you into the mess with Chris."
"Don't." His voice was firm and she raised an eyebrow. "I'm serious. Don't. I have never done anything I haven't wanted to do. You're not responsible for other people's actions." He watched her, and thought about the weight she constantly carried on her shoulders. "You're not responsible for your father's drinking, or your mother's abandonment. It isn't your fault that your uncle is in Leavenworth. And it is absolutely not your fault that I've ended up where I have." He leaned forward on the table. "And if I had been a better teacher, a better leader, I would have tried to get you to realize a very long time ago that you are not responsible for the actions of others."
A tear slid down her cheek, and he started to wipe it away, but she beat him to it. And he finally noticed the large diamond on her finger. "You're engaged." She looked down at her hand and then back at him. She nodded, and he smiled. "Congratulations."
She glanced down at her hand again and then back at him. "Thank you."
"Is he a good man?"
She smiled the way she usually did when she thought of Sam, and nodded. "He's wonderful."
"You know, I always assumed you'd end up with Rabb." She blushed and his eyes widened. "Have you?"
"No. Honestly, for a long time, I thought I'd end up with Harm too." She shrugged. "But we were never in the same place at the same time and whatever might have been there just fizzled out."
John nodded and gave her a meaningful look. He wanted to ask if they might have lasted if their timing had been better. "Timing is everything."
Mac walked into the apartment a while later and dropped her keys and purse on the kitchen counter. She immediately filled the tea kettle and pulled a mug and a box of tea from one of the cabinets. She wasn't sure if she was jittery from the coffee or the anxiety over seeing John. Either way she needed something soothing. She made her tea and carefully carried the cup to the bedroom. She changed out of the jeans and sweater and into something to sleep in. She settled into the bed and grabbed a battered and well-loved paperback from her nightstand, needing to escape into a world that belonged to Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy.
She had just gotten to the part where Elizabeth, her aunt & uncle were touring Pemberley when the phone rang. She tucked her bookmark in the pages and went to the kitchen to answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey gorgeous. I'm not calling too late, am I?"
She smiled at the sound of Sam's voice. "Nope. Just curled up in bed with Mr. Darcy." He laughed and the sound warmed her.
"Ah, the bane of the modern man's existence." She snorted and he grinned. "I was at a bookstore today, and they had a whole section of Jane Austen books and movie adaptions set up for her birthday. I immediately thought of you."
It was such a small thing, but it warmed her. She loved knowing that he thought of her when they were apart. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. They had a coffee table book on display about the Chatsworth House and Gardens. Some say Chatsworth was Jane Austen's inspiration for Pemberley. I flipped through it and it's incredibly beautiful."
Mac nodded. "I've seen photos. We should go there someday."
"Maybe for our honeymoon?"
She smiled at the thought. "That actually sounds wonderful."
"Wow," he said, and she could hear a teasing note in his voice, "did we just make a tentative plan for the future?"
She rolled her eyes and pulled the duvet over her stomach. "Funny. So how was your night?" She got comfortable and listened as he told her about the speech he had given to a teacher's organization. He was passionate about education and normally liked talking to teachers, but he sounded frustrated. "You sound annoyed. Was it not well received?"
"It was fine." She waited for him to say more, and they sat in silence for a while. "It's just hard extolling the virtues of these plans for public education when most of the teachers in the audience apply for jobs at the private schools every time there's an opening. I always say that teachers should make six figure salaries, and at some of the private schools here they already do. Anyway. It was just an unsatisfying night."
"That's too bad."
"I'll survive. Anyway. Enough of that. How was your night? Are you feeling any better about the Hilton thing?"
She paused and weighed her words for a moment. "I feel a little better. I actually met John Farrow for coffee tonight."
"Oh." He sounded surprised and she chewed on her lower lip waiting for him to say more. "I, uh, I wasn't expecting that."
"Neither was I, honestly. I called him and told him I needed to talk to him, so we met for coffee."
"How long has it been since you've seen him?"
"A few years. I hadn't seen him since we were on trial together for my husband's murder." The absurdity of that sentence made a laugh bubble out, and she took a moment to calm herself.
"You okay?"
Mac imagined confusion on his handsome face, and for whatever reason the thought made her giggle a little more. She finally managed to get herself under control. "I'm fine. That sentence was just absurd. And I guess I'm feeling a little punchy."
"Want me to let you go?"
"No, not yet." She took a few breaths and relaxed. "There's nothing between John and I. I just… I feel horrible that he's going to have to testify at this truly ridiculous trial because of his relationship with me."
Sam frowned and moved around his living room. "Why is it ridiculous? I imagine people can't help who they fall in love with. I mean, you couldn't."
She flinched. "What is that supposed to mean? I never loved John. And yes, it was wrong. But nothing happened between us until I was on my way out of his unit."
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"I think you did." Her voice was low, and the happiness that had been in her tone a few minutes earlier had completely disappeared. "Say what you're thinking, Sam."
"It's just… You had an inappropriate relationship with John Farrow. And you had feelings for Harm. I just don't understand why you're being so hard on this woman. She fell in love with someone. I'm sure she didn't plan for it, but it happened. And she's supposed to be penalized for that? Lose her career? Not to mention the waste of money that the Navy spent training her to fly these planes. All that gone because two people fell in love."
She shook her head. "I made a mistake with John. I know that. He knows that. But the problem in this instance isn't that two people fell in love, or that she is higher ranking than he is. The problem is that her commanding officer found out about the relationship and ordered her to put an end to it. And she disobeyed a direct order. And now she's playing the woman card, and claiming that she never would have been ordered to end the relationship in the first place if she were a man, and it just isn't true. There are plenty of times where women are treated unfairly in the military, but this isn't one of them. And her doing this makes it harder for legitimate women's issues." He didn't say anything, and she sighed. "It's late here. I should probably get some sleep."
"I'm sorry." She closed her eyes and waited for him to say more. "I didn't mean to get into an argument about this."
"I don't want to argue with you."
"There's a lot I don't understand about how the military operates, and I guess this is just one of those things. I don't get why a personal relationship would be forbidden, but I've never served, so I guess I don't need to understand. I really am sorry."
She found herself nodding, even though he couldn't see her. "You don't need to be jealous; you know. Of John."
"I know. Hold on. I'm going to put you on the speaker phone." He pressed a few buttons on the base, and then set the phone in the cradle. "Are you still there?"
"I'm here."
He tugged off his tie and began to unbutton his shirt. "I know I don't need to be jealous. And I'm not. Not really. Hearing that you saw him was just a little startling. I mean, he was willing to take a murder rap for you. He perjured himself for you. There's more than just friendship on his end if you ask me."
Mac blushed, thinking of her own realization earlier that evening. "You're right, actually. I figured that out tonight. But the feelings aren't returned," she said gently. "I don't regret my time with him. He was the first person in my life other than my uncle and my grandmother to make me feel like I was worth something. And I'm grateful to him for that. But I don't love him. I never did. There is no one in my life, past or present, that you need to be jealous of."
The thought back to their conversation a few days ago, about her need for reassurance and how he wouldn't get tired of giving it to her. He wondered if she felt the same way about his jealousy. Would she be fine telling him over and over again that he had nothing to worry about when it came to Harm or John Farrow or any other past lover that may one day pop up. Or would she grow tired of constantly reminding him that she only wanted him.
"I'm sure that you're going to get tired of constantly reminding me of that."
"I'll keep doing it," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice, "for as long as you need me to."
End Part 29