Better Man, Better Off

Facing Miranda in his bed, he closed his eyes, silently counting the number of times she poked his forearms. Fifteen. "Ben?"

"Yeah, babe?" He asked. She sat up a little. Uh-oh, he thought. With her face squinched in "serious mode," he sat up bracing himself for whatever his girlfriend was about to say. "What's up?"

"Why are you avoiding having a conversation with Regina?"

Ben shook his head. "Can we not talk about her while we're naked?" Miranda rolled her eyes making it known that she didn't care. "I'm not avoiding anything, Miranda."

"Then?"

"Look she left without warning; she's not answering my calls… what do you want me to do?" She pushed her lips out. It was the sexiest thing and all he wanted to do was kiss her. But he didn't or he'd find himself in hot water.

"I feel like you might want… this kid to be yours." A searing pain landed right in his chest. "Which is fine by me." She sighed. "But… your lack of urgency is making me nervous. Maybe… I don't know, you're rethinking things. With us. With Regina…"

Ben stared into her face. The seriousness he thought he'd seen was actually anxiousness. Did she think he was choosing Regina over her? This baby over their future? Had he not been paying attention? Had he not been clear? Ben shook his head. "I am not being lax or straddling the fence or anything like that." Inhaling, he slipped an arm around her waist, dropping his head on her bare shoulder. The smell of his body wash lingering on her skin made his heart dance. "I am just figuring out a way to approach it carefully, babe. That's all. I am ridiculously in love with you." She didn't respond, but her eyes got softer. "Okay?"

"Okay." He leaned over and nudged her chin with his nose, moving downward. Miranda put her head back, receiving his small kisses. "You know… she's really pretty."

"Who?'

"Regina."

Ben resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Alright, I'm going to lay on the couch…" he said with one last kiss to her neck.

"Why?"

Sighing, he licked his lips. "Because you're on one and I don't want to play," he said making no move to get out of the bed.

"I can't make a statement?" Miranda smiled and he squinted. What kind of hold did she have on him?

"You're Miranda Bailey, you can say any damn thing you want to." Her smile brightened. "And, yes, she's pretty. But you are gorgeous and beautiful and stunning," she said kissing her between each adjective. "And, most importantly…"

"Intelligent?" Miranda added, her hand on his waist.

He nodded. "Smartest person I know."

She twisted her lips to the side. "What were you going to say?"

"That most importantly… you're mine," he told her kissing her lips quickly. Without another word, she turned, pushing her butt into him. "And you're a tease." The sound of her laughing sent him drifting off to sleep.

"Ben Warren."

"Mmm," he moaned waking up, automatically reaching for Miranda. His hand fell flat on his cool comforter and sheets. "Where are you?" He asked opening one eye to see that she was sitting on the end of the bed, dressed.

"Good morning."

"It would be if you'd come back to bed." She laughed and crawled toward him. "That's what I'm talking about." Pulling her down for a kiss, he said: "Good morning." Their kiss was too short and too sweet and he wanted more, but Miranda moved away.

"I have to go," she told him while stroking his face.

Ben read her face. "You're sure?" She nodded. He knew there was something else she wanted to say, but when she didn't, he asked: "Will I see you later?"

"I'll be around."

With Miranda was gone, he sighed loudly before starting his day. He ran a few errands before heading to work. Getting to the hospital, he picked up two coffees and a couple of pastries, dropping one of each to Miranda who was in their favorite lounge. "Thank you," she said before turning back to her computer.

"No doubt." Ben gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and headed to the OR, guzzling his drink. Thankfully, his last procedure of the day was something routine. And he was able to focus one part of his brain on the patient and the other on what he was planning to do afterward. He couldn't shake the look that had been on Miranda's face. Her thinking that he'd ever upend what they had made him madder than anything. His rage at Regina returned full force and he was seeing red. After leaving the OR, he rushed out ignoring Justin's attempt to flag him down. He drove straight to Regina's apartment messaging Miranda along the way. He rang the bell and waited to be buzzed in.

Regina opened the door wearing a pair of leggings and a t-shirt with her stomach peeking out from the bottom. "I knew you'd be by," she said. He frowned walking into the apartment they'd shared for a year. "You want something to drink?"

Ben declined silently. "I'm good. We just need to talk."

"I'm just trying to be a good hostess unlike you and your girlfriend were to me." They sat on the couch in the living room. "So, to what do I owe this visit from the very busy Dr. Benjamin Warren?"

"Why did you leave the other day?"

"I… had to go."

"And you didn't answer my calls or my text messages."

Regina shrugged. "I was going to call you back. It just slipped my mind. Pregnancy brain, I guess." Ben turned to her, his look announcing that what he was about to say was serious. "What's wrong?" He formed his words in his head but didn't speak. "Ben?"

Truth time. "Regina, I feel like I've been more than supportive. I feel like… I've done what I was supposed to do since finding out about this baby." Despite his insides going wild, his voice was surprisingly calm and easy. He shook his head a little. "I have done what a man is supposed to do even after you lied, withheld information and gave me ultimatums. Because I am a good man."

"You are. And I—"

Ben held up his hand cutting her off. He saw Regina's eyes tearing and, for once, he didn't care. "I'm going to ask you one time and I want you to answer truthfully for our sake and for the sake of that baby growing inside of you." She nodded and he could feel his chest caving. "Am I the father of your child?"

Time passed so slowly. He kept his eyes on her ready to catch a lie. Maybe she'd look away or hesitate or get unbelievably upset. But nothing. "N-no, you're not."

The breath he released felt like he was starting his life all over. "Jesus, Regina."

"I know. I know. I'm only five months along." He nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. Miranda had nailed it. "But, Ben, he—the father… I'm not with him anymore and he doesn't know and he's… he's married." That revelation shocked him. "And he doesn't want anything to do with us, me or the baby. He just gave money for an abortion." Regina touched her stomach. "But I couldn't do it. Stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid," he said. Ben rubbed his eyes, trying to process everything. He'd been so angry and now he was just tired. After a few minutes, he looked at her full of pity. He didn't see the ex-girlfriend who'd drove him crazy, he saw a scared woman. Then, he felt bad. The emotions rushed through him, overwhelmingly. "Look, Regina, I'm sorry that you're going through that, but…" He stood up. "That has nothing to do with me."

She jumped up. "Ben! Wait! Okay… I know that I lied to you and, um… I know that you have no reason to even talk to me, but please… I'm alone. Can you… even if we're just friends?" She was sobbing now and it pulled at his heartstrings.

He wanted to console her, but that wasn't his job anymore. There was a woman who needed him and with whom he wanted to spend his time and Regina wasn't her. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Well, what about the p-paternity test?" She asked, wringing her hands.

A part of him did want to see results, just to be absolutely sure. The chance of him being the father of her baby were slim to none, but the thought echoed inside of him. If she'd lied about one thing, she could lie about the next thing. He cursed himself for not listening to Justin and Angela when they told him to get out the relationship earlier than he had. Why hadn't he listened? "I'll get the email. Or just text me."

"Well, what am I supposed to do?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, Regina. Maybe go back home so your parents can help you? But I can't wait around for you to figure it out."

While he headed for the door, he heard her stomping away. "Here!" She screamed practically throwing her phone at him.

"What am I—?"

"This is what you want right? Me out of your life forever?" Ben opened his mouth and looked down at the phone. "Read the email. It's from the lab."

"The results?" She nodded. "How am I supposed to trust that this accurate?" Ben waved the phone a little.

Regina tried wiping her face, but more tears fell around her hands. "You… you can email them if you want to check or request a copy, but th-there it is… I promise. You probably got one, too. It was in my 'Spam' folder."

Inhaling, he looked the date on it and noticed that it was just a day old. Ben pulled out his device and found an identical email in his own "Spam" folder. Back and forth, from phone to phone, he confirmed their names at the top of the email. He hurried to the bottom of the results, skipping the scientific jibber jabber: "The alleged father is excluded as the biological father of the tested child. This conclusion is based on the non-matching…" He scrolled up a bit and then back down. "The probably of paternity is 0%." Relief washed over him like a waterfall. Guilt would soon follow.

"See!? I wasn't lying."

"How could you?!" He asked in a low voice, shaking his head "How could you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry."

Was that all she could say? "Bullshit, Regina!" He looked up to see her crying more and rolled his eyes. "You knew he wasn't mine even before this damn email."

"I know, okay!?"

"He's really not mine," Ben said more to himself than anything.

"He's really not yours," she repeated in a tone he knew well because it was exactly how he felt—defeated. "That's what I was going to tell you earlier, but seeing you with her…"

Breathing deeply, he said: "Don't call. Don't text. Don't contact me at all. Block me on Facebook because we are not friends." His heart was pounding in his ears making it hard to hear what he was saying. Whatever it was, he meant every word. "We're not even enemies. What you and I had was a distant memory that I'd soon like to forget. I'm done." He opened the door and was halfway out of it.

"You said you'd always be there for me," Regina told him as a last-ditch effort to get him back on her side.

"That was before you tried to stick me with a baby that you knew didn't belong to me, Regina! You knew that baby wasn't mine, but you couldn't stand that I was happy after you ended our relationship."

Her nostrils flared. "Get out! Get out! Get the hell out!" Regina shouted pushing him the rest of the way out.

"You're mad at the wrong damn person!" He rebutted. "You should be mad at yourself!" Ben hated that he was yelling. That's not who he was if he could help it.

"Fuck you!" She screamed slamming the door in his face narrowly missing his hand. He raised his fist, pissed and ready to bang on it. How did she think that she was the one who was supposed to be upset? His entire life could have been altered because of her selfishness, her lies.

"Warren!" Justin's unmistakable voice cut into their argument. He looked down the hall to see the older man standing there.

Ben tossed up his hands and without another word, did as he was told. In his car, he stewed. Pulling up next to Justin in the parking lot of a college campus, he got out of the car. He moved to his best friend's passenger seat. "What are we doing here?"

"About to meditate." That was a code for them about to light up. rubbed his hands on his pants. "Miranda called me. And Ange texted me."

"Do you three just have a group chat where you talk about me?"

Justin nodded. "Something like that." Ben leaned forward and put his head on the dashboard. The fury that he'd been feeling had lessened and now he was so sad. Tears welled in his eyes and dropped on the floor of Justin's car. "I can't believe this," he said to himself. He sat back, covering his face with his arm. He hadn't cried in front of another person in so long, he was slightly embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

Justin patted his back. "About what? I'm your best friend; I'm supposed to see you at your most vulnerable."

Ben stayed quiet as his tears subsided. "I almost lose the woman I'm going to marry because my ex is pregnant with my child. Then, wait… then I get her back, but it's not even my damn child." He started laughing and found that he couldn't stop. "The gods are turning on me."

Justin chuckled while reaching into the console that separated the two chairs and pulled out a joint, waving it around. "No one is turning on you." After lighting it, he took a deep breath before passing it to Ben. "You're supposed to be ecstatic that it's not yours."

"I know."

"Although I know you want a baby."

"It's not that I wanted a baby, but I got really attached to the idea." He saw Justin gesturing for the weed, but he shook him off, inhaling. "A little me. And a boy!"

Justin reached over and took it from him after a third pull. "But there's an upside."

"Yes, upside… lay it on me."

"You're not having a baby with Regina." The friends looked at each other for a second before laughing uncontrollably, shaking the car. "Stop complaining and thank the gods for sparing you a lifetime of bullshit." Ben reached down and pulled a handle, forcing the chair backward. They passed the weed back and forth for a while and Ben floated, his mind full of everything and about nothing. He really wasn't about to be a father. "So, uh, you're marrying Miranda?"

"Hunh? Who said that?"

"You did."

"You heard wrong."

"I don't think so."

Ben closed his eyes, realizing the truth. His heart skipped a beat. Is that how he really felt? "Maybe I did. Maybe I did."

Unintentionally or not, they hotboxed Justin's car and an hour later, they were calling Paige. She arrived with Ava in tow. Thankfully, the girl was sleeping because her mother let out a string of profanity that had both men sobering quickly. "And you!" She said turning to Ben, her locs falling over the seat. "You're supposed to be a good influence." She tossed him two small bags of fruit snacks.

"Thanks, Paigey," he replied ripping into one, pushing five in his mouth at a time. "And I'm sorry. But it has been a long ass day."

"I heard. You're forgiven," she said backing out of the parking space. "But you, sir…" She stared at Justin whose head was against the slightly open window. "Ugh… I'll deal with you later."

Looking at his goddaughter, Ben asked: "Can you take me to Miranda's?" He rubbed the girl's head as she slept.

"You can't show up stoned to your girlfriend's house," she told him.

"It's fine. It's fine." He stuffed more fruit snacks in his face. "Trust me."

"I won't be doing that," she laughed.

Ben looked at her through the rearview mirror. "I haven't seen to her or talked all day." Paige cracked up. "I mean, I haven't seen to her or talked all day." Nodding, he opened the second bag.

Shaking her head, she said: "Call her and put it on speakerphone."

"Okay." He reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone, dialing Miranda's number.

"Hello?"

Ben felt his body light up at the sound of her voice. "Wow. Hey, baby."

"Benjamin, where are you?"

"With the Knoxes."

"Hi. Miranda? It's Paige."

"Oh! Hey, girl!"

"So, our men are on, uh, Cloud Nine. And yours wants to stop by for a hot minute. Are you up for that?"

They heard Miranda chuckle. "Um, yeah. That's fine."

"I told you," Ben bragged sitting back.

A few minutes later, they reached Miranda's house and Ben jumped out of the car. Her front door opened and she stepped outside, walking toward him in a robe. His heart stuttered. "You're gorgeous," he said touching her face, swiping his thumbs across her cheeks. "Hi."

"Hi," she replied grabbing his waist.

"Are you alone?"

She nodded. "Tuck's with Tucker this week." Ben kissed her neck. "Ew! You smell like a skunk." He made a face to show how apologetic he was. "Recreationally, huh?"

"It's not my baby," Ben said exhaling, finally getting used to the idea. "She's pregnant, but it's not mine."

He paused waiting for her to say, "I told you so," but instead, Miranda just cocked her head to the side. "You want to come in?"

"Yes, but I am high as hell," he admitted sheepishly.

She pointed to his eyes. "I see. Are you hungry?"

"Yes!"

"Come on." Miranda turned to Paige. "I think I'm gonna keep this one," she smiled. Paige returned it; they waved and she was gone.

In the house, he hugged Miranda from behind as she locked the door. "I've missed you all damn day."

"Really?" She asked turning in his arms.

He nodded, pressing his lips to hers unable to hold back any longer. Groaning, he let his tongue run wild in her mouth. He'd long since stopped smoking, but he felt himself getting higher with every kiss they shared. His hunger was pushed aside as he grabbed a handful of her robe, untying it and easing it off to see her wearing a t-shirt that stopped at the top of her thighs. "Do you really forgive me?"

"Yes," she murmured as he pushed her gently against the wall. She slipped a hand between her legs making herself moan.

"Goddamn." Miranda put her fingers to his lips and he sucked on them tasting her tanginess and knowing that he absolutely had to have her. Ripping off his shirt and forcing his jeans down, he grabbed her leg, lifting it in a little. "Do you mind?"

"Please," she whispered as he moved her panties out of the way, entering her raw. Ben melted as he inserted his body into hers; gently at first. After a few long and tedious strokes, he drove into her harder, rocking her against the wall as she screamed his name, clinging to him. "Ben! Ben! Shit!"

"Shiiiit!" He echoed. She squealed with delight as he grabbed her ass, elevating her to her toes. "I love you, Miranda." His admission made him shudder and he bit her shoulder softly, careful not to break the skin.

She nodded, digging her fingers into his back, not caring if he bled or not. "Make love to me, baby."

"Jesus Christ!" He said into her mouth as his strokes became faster and deliberate. "I needed this."

"I am about to explode!" She screamed running her hand over his head.

Ben laughed. "That's the point," he said tenderly applying pressure to her button until she forfeited and was shaking in his arms. Seconds later, his body was drifting as he orgasmed, moaning her name and kissing her nipples through her shirt. He pulled out of her and slunk to the floor, his naked back on the hardwood. "Damn, Miranda."

"I feel like I'm under the influence," she laughed dropping her head onto his chest. "How much did you smoke?"

"Blame Knox."

"How hungry are you?"

He closed his eyes. "Very.

Ben began to salvage his common sense as they ate, but he stayed quiet. "You're okay?"

"Yeah, babe." He bit into the pasta she'd ordered. "Are you alright?"

She smiled at him over her wine. "I'm fine."

A sly grin hit his lips. "I can see that." Ben put down his fork and stared at her, getting her attention.

"What?" She asked putting her fork onto her plate. He reached over and took her hand. "What?"

"I appreciate you," he told her. "And I don't want anything else to come between us and I'll do my best to make sure that nothing ever does again." Miranda nodded. "Without you, I was not right. And I never want to make you feel like you can't trust me." The words were spilling out of him and he couldn't stop them nor did he want to. He had to tell her how he felt. "I would do anything for you. You know that, right?"

She nodded as her eyes were swelling with tears. "What I know is that you are…" Miranda used her free hand to wipe her face. "You are truly an amazing man and I'm happy with you." He put the back of her hand to his lips. "But if you lie to me again, Ben Warren… count your days." They shared a smile before he gestured for her to come to him and he pulled her into his lap. His fingers traced her clavicle before finding her neck as he kissed her. "Are you hungry?"

He tilted his head. "We just ate." She raised a brow. "Ooh! In that case, I'm fucking starving," he said kissing her softly.