Chapter 29: Slave of Duty
Emily took a deep breath and let it out, balancing the bag of groceries and the dishes in one hand while she raised the other to knock on the door. She bit her lip as she waited, hoping that her presence would be welcome.
It had been two long days since Emily had visited Hotch, to offer her support.
Two long, silent days.
Hotch had been busy settling Jack back into his life in DC, and making arrangements for Haley's funeral. He had sent Emily a text message the day before, just to check-in on how the team had been doing, to which she had replied that they were all ok, just worried about him and Jack. Aside from that one text message exchange, it had been radio silence.
Emily had been trying not to overdo it on the comforting and consoling, so she had kept a distance. But it pained her to think about Hotch and Jack handling this on their own. She knew that Haley's sister, Jessica, had been helping out a lot, but she would be handling her own grief as well. While Emily had met Haley a few times, and thought that they could have been friends, she was far enough from the situation to have some emotional distance.
Emily was roused from her thoughts at the clicking of the lock, and a moment later a young, blonde woman opened the door.
"Uh… hi," Emily muttered awkwardly. She wrinkled her brow and wondered if this might be Jessica. A second after Emily had that thought, her suspicions were confirmed.
"Hi… oh you're one of Aaron's team members, right?" the woman asked, "I'm Jessica… Jack's aunty."
Emily nodded, "It's nice to meet you, Jessica. I'm Emily."
"Emily!"
Jessica turned to see Jack jump up from his spot at the coffee table, where he'd been colouring in, and run towards the door. He pushed past Jessica and wrapped his arms around Emily's legs, squeezing tight. The shock caused Emily to wobble slightly, and she grabbed the dishes to stop them from crashing to the ground.
"I'm sorry," Jessica said, reaching out to take the dishes from Emily's hands, "Come on in."
Emily was painfully conscious of the fact that she was intruding, and shuffled into the apartment, with Jack still attached to her side. She closed the door behind them and followed Jessica into the kitchen, lifting the grocery bag onto the counter. As she was about to turn back to explain her presence to Hotch's sister-in-law, Emily felt a tugging on her jeans. Emily and Jessica both looked down and found Jack holding out his arms, asking to be lifted.
Emily obliged. After all, who could say no to Jack's combination of pout and puppy-dog eyes. And Jack quickly settled on Emily's hip, resting his head on her shoulder.
Emily looked up at Jessica and bit her lip, "I'm so sorry for your loss," she said quietly, "I know people say that, but it always seems so… underwhelming."
Jessica nodded in reply, "I know what you mean… but I appreciate the sentiment." She shook her head and gestured down to the dishes that she'd taken from Emily a moment earlier, "This is very nice of you," she said softly.
Emily shrugged and ran her hand over Jack's back, "It's nothing… really… my family has this thing where we make pesto when we're not ok and… I figured the boys might not be eating many vegetables."
Jessica huffed and nodded, "I do my best, but they will insist on hamburgers."
She studied Jack and Emily's interactions and furrowed her brow, wondering how long this woman had been coming around to Aaron's house. She certainly seemed comfortable, and Jack knew her well. She was bringing them food and… Jessica watched as Emily unpacked the groceries she'd brought with her… she knew where everything went.
Jessica didn't like where that train of thought was going, so she shook her head to rid the thought and raised her eyebrows, "Sorry… would you like a coffee? Or some tea?"
Emily shook her head and folded the linen grocery bag with her spare hand, "I just stopped by to drop these off," she explained, "I'm actually on my way to the office to pick up a few things."
"Aaron said something about your team being on stand-by or stand-down… stand-something," Jessica said quickly. She had heard enough from her sister about Aaron's job, and knew that it had been a source of discord in their relationship, so she hadn't probed Aaron too much about whether he would go back to that world. But it didn't mean she had to be rude to this woman in front of her.
Emily nodded, "Yeah… we're not being sent on any active cases, but we do have a little work to keep us occupied," she explained, glancing down at her watch, "I should get going though." She paused and looked down at Jack's face, "It was really good to see you, Jack."
Jack didn't say anything, he just wrapped his little arms around Emily's neck. The action made Emily smile sadly and she kissed the side of his head. She knelt down on the floor, placing Jack's feet on the ground and stood back up, ruffling his hair, before looking up at Jessica and offering another sad smile.
"It was nice to meet you, Jessica," Emily said shyly, holding out a hand, "Please, let Aaron know that the team is thinking about him… we're here if you guys need anything."
Jessica nodded, pursing her lips as she took Emily's hand and shook it, "I'll let him know."
Jessica followed Emily to the door, and as she stepped into the hall, Emily turned and her face dropped.
"I really am sorry… about Haley," Emily said softly.
Jessica couldn't speak, her grief too fresh and her desire to remain composed too strong. She simply nodded and after a moment, Emily turned and headed down the hall. Jessica closed the door and turned back to Jack, trying to seem upbeat.
"Who wants to watch a movie?"
Hotch sighed as he locked the car and headed towards the elevator… he was almost home.
The past few days had been so emotionally draining, and there was no end to the exhaustion in sight. Tomorrow was the funeral, and though Hotch was not looking forward to the social aspects, he was hopeful that it would give him a chance to say a proper goodbye to the first woman he had loved.
He had spent so much of the day dealing with the practicalities of the funeral, but this afternoon, after packing more of Jack's belongings at the house, Hotch had stopped to spend some time thinking about what he wanted to say tomorrow. He wanted to start with his promises to Haley on the day she had died. He wanted to tell the story of how they had first met. And he wanted to show Jack that, even with the pain of losing someone you loved, it was still better to take the risk.
The exhaustion of the past few days was also due to Hotch's worries about Jack. He had slept in his own bed on the first night, but since then he'd insisted on sleeping in with Hotch. As a profiler, who understood the psychology of trauma, Hotch knew that this was simply a response to losing his mother. And perhaps, in part, a response to finally being reunited with his father after a lengthy separation. But as a father, Hotch couldn't bring himself to force Jack back into his own bed.
He'd missed Jack too.
Hotch wondered if his exhaustion was, in part, from the absence of Emily. She had been a constant source of support and kindness over the past few months… actually, over the past few years. Since Haley had left and their marriage had dissolved, Hotch had come to rely on her. And it was a balanced friendship. After her friend was murdered, after her relationship with Peter, he had tried to be there for her. It gave him a sense of purpose. He cared about someone, and she cared about him.
As the elevator doors opened on Hotch's floor, he stepped out and made his way down the hall, reaching the apartment door a minute later. He slid his key in the lock and opened the door to find Jessica asleep on the couch. Hotch smiled softly and stepped inside, closing the door gently to avoid waking Jessica up.
He quietly placed the box and the duffel bags he'd been carrying on the floor and shoved them towards the wall. He could leave their contents unpacked until later. For now, he needed to eat, to shower, and to go to bed.
Heading towards the kitchen, Hotch figured he'd start on the first task. He opened the fridge and furrowed his brow, spotting two casserole dishes on the bottom shelf, covered with tin foil. Hotch pulled one of the dishes out and peeled back the cover and, when he saw its contents, he couldn't help the smile that grew on his face.
Comfort pesto.
"Your friend stopped by."
Hotch looked up from the dish and found Jessica heading towards the kitchen. He closed the fridge and placed the dish on the counter, turning back to the cabinet to take out a couple of bowls.
"Do you want to stay for some dinner?" Hotch asked, "Emily makes a great pesto."
Jessica frowned and shook her head, wrapping her cardigan tightly around her torso, "No thanks… Jack and I ate mac n cheese a little earlier."
"Thanks for staying with him," Hotch replied, scooping out a serving into one of the bowls, "I got through most of the stuff at the house today. I was thinking you might like to go through some of the furniture… I know your grandmother's dressing table is there, so you might like to take that. And the china tea-set from your mother."
Hotch turned to put the food in the microwave, and when he turned back, he noticed the worried look on Jessica's face. "What's wrong?" he asked instinctively stepping toward Jessica, but she kept herself at a distance.
Jessica furrowed her brow, unsure whether to bring this up with Aaron. He was like a brother to her, but Haley was her sister. While she would do anything for Aaron and Jack, she still felt a natural allegiance to her sister, and figured she deserved to know the answers to her questions. If Aaron answered her questions, then she could deal with it.
"Are you and Emily… is she your…" Jessica rolled her eyes at her stumbling around the words, "Are you dating Emily?"
Hotch furrowed his brow and shook his head, "No," he replied, turning to take his food out of the microwave, "She's become a good friend of mine, but it's not… it's not like that."
Hotch knew his response was instinctual. They had just lost Haley, and a part of Hotch felt like it was an insult to her memory to still be thinking about Emily in the way he'd come to over recent months. Even though they had been divorced, he had still considered Haley his wife in so many ways. And though he had come to the conclusion just a week ago that he didn't want to reconcile his marriage, he still felt that acknowledging the importance of Emily in his life was not something Jessica needed to hear.
Besides, Hotch huffed to himself, that point was moot. He was even more damaged now. Emily had seen him at his absolute worst moment – his hands bloodied from beating the man who had killed Haley – and he didn't think she would ever see him in the same way again. He had no doubt she would be there to support him… but his thoughts about having a life with Emily were now dashed.
Jessica nodded and bit her lip, "I believe you, it's just… she came over and Jack seems to know her pretty well, and she was putting groceries away and she made you dinner."
Hotch smiled sadly, holding up the bowl, "This is just what Emily's family do when someone's sad… it's comfort pesto… and she and Jack have spent some time together, even before…" Hotch's voice trailed off and he hoped that Jessica would understand what he was talking about.
Jessica looked down at her hands, tugging on a loose thread on her cardigan, "I'm sorry… Aaron you know I love you… I just worry."
Hotch nodded and smiled sadly, "I promise, Jessie, it's not like that. Emily is probably my closest friend, she has become really important to me. But we're just friends," he explained further, feeling like he was trying to convince himself just as much as Jessica.
Jessica held up and hands and nodded, "Ok… if you say you're just friends, I believe you," she replied, a little bit of unintended attitude in her tone. She sighed and shook her head, "Well I'd better get going. We all have a big day tomorrow."
Hotch nodded and followed Jessica to the door, pausing while she grabbed her purse from the couch. When she turned back towards him, Jessica reached over to squeeze Hotch's hand.
"Get some sleep," Hotch said quietly, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Jessica nodded and made her way out the door, "See you tomorrow."
Hotch watched for a moment as Jessica walked down the hall, and as she disappeared out of sight, he sighed. He turned back to the apartment and closed the door, latching the chain and locking the deadbolt, and thinking about what Jessica had asked.
He had been honest in his response… or at least as honest as he could be when his emotions were so raw. He knew that now wasn't the time to be thinking on these issues, as much as his brain tried to betray him by taking him down that track against his will. Right now, he just needed to focus on healing… physically and emotionally. He needed to focus on Jack. He needed to get through the funeral.
His stomach grumbled.
He needed to finish his dinner.
Hotch wandered back into the kitchen and picked up his bowl of comfort pesto, and a smile grew on his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell, typing a quick message. It wasn't the time for decisions, but he could at least acknowledge what his friend had done.
*Thank you for the comfort pesto. And thank you for being my friend. – AH.*
Once the text was sent, he pushed his phone back into his pocket and picked up the bowl, eating as he made his way down the hall. A quick check of Jack, asleep in his own bed, Hotch continued to his bedroom, where he got himself ready for his shower. As he threw his clothes into the hamper in the corner, and plugged his cell into the charger on his bedside table, Hotch made his way into the ensuite bathroom and started the shower. As the water began to heat up, he was oblivious to the buzzing of his cell phone as a reply text message arrived.
*You've always got me Hotch. Anything you need. – EP.*
"Shrek?" Hotch asked.
Jack shook his head.
"Toy Story?"
Jack shook his head.
"Up?"
Jack shook his head.
"Nemo?"
Jack nodded and Hotch smiled. He didn't know why he even bothered to go through the other movies, when he knew that Jack would always default to Finding Nemo. The profiler in him wondered if it was about reuniting a father and son, and that thought made Hotch smile as he took the DVD out of the case.
"Ok… are you going to be ok to watch this for a little while? Daddy has to do some work," Hotch asked, and Jack nodded again, curling up against the arm of the couch while the movie started. The calming movement of the ocean scenes seemed to relax the boy, and Hotch smiled softly. He sighed and placed the remote down on the coffee table, ruffled Jack's hair, and made his way into the kitchen. Once he'd poured himself a fresh cup of coffee, Hotch set himself up at the dining table and opened his laptop.
Emails, budget reports, more emails, case file requests, more emails… the work never seemed to end.
Then a subject line in an email caught his attention and Hotch opened it up.
Attn: Agent Hotchner, re. Prentiss
Hotch frowned and read through the succinct email from Morgan.
Hi Hotch,
I know you're on leave, but this might come up when you're back. Thought you should know.
Morgan
Hotch opened the attachment and found the report for the case the team had just wrapped up in Tennessee. He had spoken to Rossi when he'd stopped by Haley's grave yesterday afternoon, and while his friend had kept quiet on the details of the case, Hotch knew there was something Rossi wasn't telling him. And now he knew why.
The victims were just like Emily.
Single, brunettes, high-powered professionals…
As Hotch pored over the report, he reached the section describing how the team had apprehended the unsub.
Joe Belser.
The offender refused to drop the weapon. Agent Prentiss subdued the offender by kicking him in the stomach and held him down on the ground with a hand to the neck in an attempt to take control. The offender still had the knife in his right hand and refused to drop the weapon at a second request by Agent Prentiss. She aimed her gun at him and he released the weapon. Agent Morgan kicked the weapon away from the offender and Agent Prentiss handed her weapon to Agent Morgan and applied restraints.
Hotch knew there was more to this story than the report was telling him. Emily wasn't often the first one in the room to take down an unsub. It wasn't out of any kind of misogyny from the guys on the team, more that she was generally more focused on the victims. So what made this case so different for her?
Hotch looked up from his laptop and grabbed his cell. He glanced over at the top of Jack's head as he listened to the phone ringing. When he heard the click, he cleared his throat.
"Morgan, it's Hotch… we need to talk."
Emily ran the final hundred metres from the corner of her block to the back entrance of her building. She'd had a terrible sleep the night before, following the team's return from Tennessee. She put her trouble sleeping down to the remaining effects of the case, which only added to the tension from Haley's murder and the subsequent blow-out.
Emily punched in her code to the gate and pushed her way through, winding down the path that ran up to the tenant-only door. It was a short walk from the door to the elevator bank, and her mind ran over the events of Strauss' witch-hunt. She still couldn't believe what lengths that woman would go to, to get rid of Hotch. Questioning his reasons for killing Foyet, as if Hotch wasn't going over and over the entire case in his own mind, was the last straw. If she wasn't careful, Emily might just "take care of" Strauss herself.
The elevator doors opened on Emily's floor and as she made her way down the hall, she took her mp3 player out and removed her headphones from her ears. She was half-way to her door when a pair of tiny hands wrapped around her legs and she looked down to find Jack attached to her.
"What are you… how…" Emily's voice trailed off as she leant down to pick Jack up, and as she placed him on her hip, she looked up to find Hotch leaning against the wall outside her apartment door, holding a couple of paper grocery bags.
"What are you doing here?" Emily asked, stopping in front of her door. She ran her hand over Jack's shoulders and smiled, "Not that I'm not super happy to see you, Jack-in-the-box."
Jack giggled and Hotch's heart swelled at the sound. He had been worried about how his son was coping, but hearing him laugh at Emily's playful teasing gave him hope that Jack would be ok.
"We needed to get out of the house," Hotch replied, "And I thought we could make some dinner."
Emily furrowed her brow as she reached into her pocket for her house key, unlocking the door and holding it open for Hotch to walk through. He kept going, down to the kitchen, and Emily locked the door, keeping Jack on her hip, before they followed him.
Watching Hotch unpack the mass of vegetables from the bags, Emily frowned again, wondering why Hotch would think he needed to leave the comfort of his home to visit. If he needed to talk or cry or vent, she would've been happy to come to his house. At least there, Jack would have all of his toys and DVD's and books to keep him occupied.
On that last thought, Emily realised that she'd brought some of Zac's old toys and books with her when she'd cleared out the boxes at her parent's house.
Emily looked down at Jack, and then up at Hotch, "I'll go set Jack up in the living room and then we can talk."
Hotch frowned, "I left his stuff at home, but I'm sure he can just watch some TV," he replied, knowing that Emily didn't often have small children in her home. He was kicking himself for forgetting to bring at least a few Matchbox cars with him, when he looked up and saw Emily take a crate of toys out from behind the entertainment unit.
Hotch stopped his unpacking and made his way into the living room, where Jack was sitting in front of the crate and sorting through the toys. Jack found a collection of He-Man toys and jumped up and down, grabbing a handful of the dolls and taking them over to the coffee table to set them up. Emily watched him, smiling at the story he started creating, and Hotch leant over her to take out a View Master. He held the toy up to his eyes and huffed as he clicked through the images of snakes and giraffes and birds of prey.
"Where did you get these? Did you keep these from when you were a kid?" Hotch asked, keeping his eyes on the View Master. He hadn't played with one of these in years, but he had fond memories of crafting a disc into a gift for his first crush, asking her out to homecoming. He huffed and brought the toy away from his eyes, blinking until they adjusted to the light.
Emily bit her lip, "Uh… they were at my parent's house," she replied, "I went around a while back to clean some of my stuff out and thought these might come in handy." She eyed the toys that Jack was playing with and her memories came flooding back – watching Zac tell very similar stories of the grown-ups in his life kicking bad-guy ass. Emily chuckled and shook her head… some things never change.
Hotch stooped down to place the toy gently in the box, then stood up, holding his hands out to Emily. He helped her up from the floor and once they were certain that Jack was settled in with the Masters of the Universe, they walked back into the kitchen.
"So, what are we making?" Emily asked, taking the ingredients out of the paper bags.
Hotch didn't answer for a moment. He just came over to where Emily was standing and took the bag out of her reach and nodded to the stairs.
"I've got things handled here," he said softly, "Why don't you go up and take a shower?"
Emily furrowed her brow, wondering what his game was. She'd been trying to maintain a distance from him, waiting for him to reach out when he was ready to talk. But she had assumed he would invite her to his place. Instead, he'd shown up with an armful of groceries and a fidgety four year old. Emily realised that she could keep wondering what Hotch was up to, or she could just go along with it.
Emily finally nodded, "Ok… I won't be long," she replied, leaving Hotch behind to get to work on dinner. As she started up the stairs, she looked over the railing, watching curiously as Hotch made himself comfortable in her kitchen.
When he looked up, Hotch rolled his eyes and pointed the tip of the knife at Emily, "Go, Prentiss."
Emily huffed and shook her head, jogging up the remaining stairs.
A few moments later, Hotch turned his head when he heard the shower start. He was trying to get Emily to relax, but apparently, his showing up at her front door with dinner was an aberration worthy of confusion. He knew he was still healing, and that he wouldn't be anything close to his old self for a long time yet, but that didn't mean that he could only take from Emily. He had to give a little too if they were to maintain the delicate balance that made their friendship work.
His conversation with Morgan had been enlightening. Morgan had told Hotch all of the pieces of the puzzle that weren't in the report. Emily had said something to the team about home being where you should feel safest, and Hotch knew what Morgan had been getting at when he shared that piece of information. And after that revelation, it just kept coming.
Hotch knew that Emily was in pain. So all he could do for her was cook her dinner and give her a safe space to process it.
Emily made her way back down the stairs twenty minutes later, having dressed again in jeans and her favourite comfy t-shirt. The smell coming from the kitchen was familiar, and as she passed Jack in the living room (he had moved onto Zac's old Transformer's toys), she realised what Hotch had been busy cooking.
"You made comfort pesto?" Emily asked, tears forming in her eyes as she made her way over to the stove. She leant against the counter and smiled softly as Hotch reached around her to pick up a glass of wine. He handed the glass to her with a smile.
"Well… you've made it for me plenty of times when I've been down," Hotch explained, "So I figured it was my turn to repay the favour."
Emily took a sip of her wine and stepped back with a frown, "What makes you think I'm down?" she asked, studying Hotch's face. When she saw the look on his face, she closed her eyes and shook her head, "Morgan."
Emily felt an anger bubble in the pit of her stomach. How dare Morgan take Hotch's attention away from Haley and Jack! How dare he pull Hotch away from his grief!
"Emily," Hotch said softly, reaching out to squeeze her wrist, "Don't be mad at Morgan… he was just worried about you. And he knows we're close, so he figured it would help if you had someone to talk to."
Emily rolled her eyes and reached her hand up to rest on Hotch's shoulder, "You don't need to be concerning yourself with this right now, Aaron," she replied gently, "This isn't the first time I've had a case make me feel like this, and it won't be the last time."
Hotch bit his lip, knowing from Emily's use of his first name that she was serious. Did she really think that he wouldn't drop everything to help her out?
"He said you choked the guy, and you said some pretty dark things to him," Hotch said, dropping the volume of his voice so Jack wouldn't overhear them.
Emily frowned, "Like Morgan hasn't done the exact same thing? Or Dave?" she paused and felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She tried to blink them away, but it didn't work and she felt a couple spill over onto her cheek, "JJ gets it, but you guys don't… it's not easy when you see yourself in the victim, nine times out of ten."
Hotch reached down to take Emily's hand in his, and he pulled her close to him. Her head dropped on his chest and he held her against him while she tried to sniff the tears back.
"I saw their photos… and I saw what he was doing to them," Hotch whispered, "It's ok if you can't always stop your mind from going down that track, but Emily… you're safe."
Emily's breath hitched and she looked up at Hotch, meeting his gaze. She realised by the look he was giving her that he didn't understand.
"Those women, they deserved to feel safe in their homes," Emily explained in a hushed voice, "And you… and Jack… and Ha…" Emily's voice trailed off as she realised Hotch had figured it out, "All I could think of when I walked through those homes was that he took that away from you too."
Hotch's face was overcome with realisation and he dropped the spoon he'd been using to stir the sauce, pulling Emily into a heavy hug. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her tight, feeling her body mould against his.
She was sad for him. She was angry for him. That Foyet had taken away the safety and security he was supposed to be able to feel at home. He had been stabbed by that man in his apartment. And Haley had been killed at their house. And it made Emily angry. Angry enough that she had kicked and tackled an unsub and muttered those dark words to him.
"I'm safe, Em," Hotch whispered into her hair, "Jack is safe… you are one of the people who made sure that we were both ok, and you've kept doing that this whole time. You don't understand… because I've never told you… but I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for you."
Hotch paused as Emily leaned back to look him in the eyes. He took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh.
"You being there for me, visiting me, forcing me to go out and get fresh air… forcing me to leave the files behind for a few hours so I could relax for a little while… everything you've done over the last few months is what kept me alive," Hotch explained. It was long-overdue, and he was kicking himself for not saying it sooner.
"You're my friend, Aaron… it's what we do," Emily replied softly.
"Not everyone is a friend like you are, Emily Prentiss," Hotch said with a smile. He kissed the top of her head, before turning back to the sauce and letting go.
Emily took a step back and picked up her glass of wine, taking a sip while she watched Hotch cook. She knew there was more to be said, but she wondered if, for tonight, they had said enough. She had already known he was grateful for her friendship, but it was nice to hear the words. And while she knew he would still want to talk more about her actions during the takedown of Belser, she thought they could leave it there for now.
Glancing over his shoulder at the sauce, Emily noticed that Hotch seemed to be managing well, so she decided to check on the younger Hotchner. He had been busy with the Transformers when Emily had passed him earlier, but maybe she could tempt him with a story before dinner.
Emily picked a book out of the crate and wandered over to sit behind Jack on the couch. He climbed up next to her, cuddling into her side, and tapped the book. Emily huffed and opened the book to the first page and started to read the words out loud, Jack's chubby little finger tracing the little bunny.
"Once upon a time there were four little rabbits, and their names were – Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter."