"I am Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris, princess of the Belzerg Kingdom. We have quite a bit to talk about."
"No goddamn kidding!" Kazuma instantaneously spat, relishing the brief flicker of surprise that crossed the girl's face. "I mean, are you shitting me with this?! You had me restrained and kidnaped for a sit-down?! Why the hell didn't you just send someone to get me personally?!"
The guards stationed behind Kazuma took a step towards the potential threat to their princess, but she immediately dismissed them with a wave of her hand. Once that was settled, Iris cleared her throat and calmly explained, "Again, I am terribly sorry it had to come down to that. Truth be told, I was expecting this to be a peaceful arrangement. However, we did, in fact, send someone to come personally pick you up. But you refused Gary's invitation and left him with very little in the way of options. We needed you to be here."
"I HAVE A GODDAMN MAILBOX, YOU NITWIT!" Kazuma shrieked, once more writhing in his restraints with newfound irritation over the insanity befaling him. "You had more than enough ways to reach me, and better yet, you should just accept my refusal outright if you send someone as sketchy as 'Gary' to come get me! What the hell do you even want with me, kid?!"
"I want you here, Mr. Satou, because I need your help with a matter of life and death." The princess retorted, earning her a look of disdain from the young man across from her. Still, her patience never waivered. "You have managed to kill four of the eight Demon generals, and even managed to sway another to your cause. Right now, the Kingdom of Belzerg needs your expertise to survive a war against the Devil King and his mercilus armies! The reason I've gone to such lengths to get you here is because I need you to join my coalition against the Devil King."
The room grew silent, with the tension in the air so thick one could cut it with a knife. Iris and her knights patiently waited for their unorthodox hero to process this heavy information, each one secretly restless when he had yet to respond. He did eventually respond, though it was...not the response they were hoping for (or even expecting for that matter).
"No. Can I go home now? It's getting late and I'd rather not worry my girlfriends. Thanks."
The princess faltered for a moment, a sputter of disbelief slipping past her lips before she managed to put her shock to words. "I-I'm sorry? Satou, we're speaking about the good of an entire kingdom, and an unfathomably powerful and cruel tyrant that is threatening the lives of thousands! You can't possibly refuse to help us, not when we need you most at the heart of a conflict we can't hope to win on our own!"
"Hate to rain on your parade, but I couldn't give a fraction of a rat's ass about your kingdom's problems!" Kazuma retorted, having none of this. "Yeah, I know the Devil King's evil and all but it's your fault for going to war with him. Maybe learn to pick on an army your own size next time. The point is, I don't care and I want nothing to do with this. Now untie me so I can go home."
Iris couldn't believe what she was hearing, staring at the young man before her in complete bewilderment for what felt like minutes, her mind struggling to comprehend his refusal. "So you're fine with risking thousands of lives, and having an entire kingdom crumble to a monster because the conflict doesn't involve you right now? You can sleep at night with that on your mind?"
"Oh, so the princess is guilt-tripping her subject. How noble and fair," Kazuma mocked, insulted at how he was being viewed to Iris as nothing short of a tool. "Listen here loli, the last time I went out of your way to save your kingdom, I was mislabeled as a terrorist and almost executed by a clearly corrupt governor! And now you expect me to trust your shitty government because you asked nicely? No, fuck off! I want the Devil King dead as much as the next guy, but it'll either be on my own terms or someone else will beat me to it, whichever comes first. I'm really not all that picky."
Iris pursed her lips into a controlled frown, trying her hardest to keep her disappointment and exasperation from showing. Eventually, she sighed, and motioned to one of the nearby knights. Slowly, damn near reluctantly, the knight stepped over to Kazuma and undid his restraints, even helping the young man back up to his feet, still facing the young princess as she spoke again.
"I understand your perspective, but I couldn't disagree more with it." She stated plainly, her eyes never losing their sharp shimmer as she stared him down. "While I will not force you, or order you, to join me, I still urge you to reconsider my offer. People will die without your help, Kazuma. I need you on my side for this."
The young man tenderly rubbed his stinging wrists once the ropes were removed. He sent a glare at Iris' way and stated plainly, "People will die even with my help, there's no getting around that. Call me a selfish coward all you like, it's nothing I haven't already called myself in the past. But I refuse to be on anybody's side but my own. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have people who actually give a damn about me waiting back home. As for your coalition...for what it's worth, good luck."
With that, Kazuma turned on his heel and stormed out, passing the knights who did little to stop his exit. As soon as he was gone, Iris motioned to the guards once more, dismissing them as she remained seated. As her soldiers left, she pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed heavily, sufficiently disappointed. This was going to be harder than she expected.
Wolbach wasn't expecting company. Naturally, that left her surprised when an audible knock from her door distracted her from her reading. Setting down her book, she stood up and walked across the room, before opening the door and revealing a serious looking Aqua, which only elevated her surprise further.
"I know we agreed to give each other space for a while, but…" Aqua paused, shifting her eyes to and fro before determinedly setting their sights back on the dark goddess. "I think we should have that talk now. So let's just get it over with."
Wolbach raised an eyebrow, but stepped aside and gestured for her fellow goddess to enter. After doing so, there was a brief, most certainly awkward pause as both goddess avoided looking at each other for a time. Under normal circumstances, Wolbach would have been far more forthright and direct, but she'd expected more time to prepare for what was likely going to escalate into an argument between her and the water goddess. As such, the pause resonated before Aqua broke the silence.
"Fine, guess I'll start then," Aqua huffed, barely restraining her annoyance. This was already proving to be more challenging than she had anticipated. "Wolbach, I don't…appreciate how you keep constantly denouncing me along with the council in general. You've been like that even before you were exiled and it's getting annoying, so I'd like you to stop. Now your turn."
Feeling ticked off by her associate's gross oversimplification of the matter, Wolbach restrained herself and stated her grievances with Aqua. "Very well. Aqua, not only do I find your incompetence to be a hazard to all, but I also believe that the council is being crushed under the weight of its own bureaucracy. Heaven's system is slow and inefficient and I find it disgusting that you blindly put all your faith in it. Anything you'd like to add?"
Aqua's eyes briefly flashed with fury but, impressively, she seemed to restrain herself by taking a deep breath and lacing her hands together, as if centering herself. She really was taking this seriously, and it was, to a certain degree, commendable. Still, that didn't make her timely retort any less irritating.
"As a matter of fact, yes, I do have something I'd like to add. I also think you're a fun-hating killjoy who just doesn't like seeing me happy. Plus, you're just miffed that you lost your chance to have a seat on the council, that's why you have beef with them. Hell, I wouldn't be shocked if you picked up dark magic solely to spite them." Aqua threw in a quick, smug smirk as she asked, "Am I right or am I right?"
Now it was Wolbach's turn to stifle her irritation, crossing her arms and huffing audibly as she composed herself, equally intent on making this conversation matter before it devolved. Even if it meant enduring a certain amount of stupidity and arrogance.
"You're wrong, actually. Terribly so." She replied snarkily, her own smirk rising as she glared at Aqua with no small amount of contempt. "The reason I have 'beef' with them is no better displayed than with every waking action you undertake. Your arrogance, shortsightedness, and vanity inspire equal disgust in me as dark magic does in you. Which, by the way, you were partially right about. I am quite satisfied with just how riled up the council was over a few forbidden party tricks."
Aqua's expression shifted between surprised and irate, as if she couldn't quite decide which one took more precedent at that moment. Wolbach relished those precious seconds before the water goddess' mouth twisted into an angry sneer, and she promptly jabbed a finger into her fellow goddess' chest, a motion that made Wolbach's fists clench reflexively.
"All gods and goddesses are proud of who they are, you're no exception 'snowflake'! Even so, letting yourself fall like that was the stupidest thing you could've done, and that's coming from me! Was getting yourself exiled really worth it? Honestly, I'm, I'm genuinely curious."
With each poke Aqua made at Wolbach's chest, she stressed, "Was. It. Worth. It?"
Suddenly, Aqua's hand was trapped in a vice grip, which was promptly ripped away from Wolbach's chest by the dark goddess, who practically snarled as she glared down at her fellow goddess, eyes flaring with barely restrained power. After a few seconds, however, the rage flowing through Wolbach simmered and she released Aqua hand, though her glare never faltered.
"…That's something I'm still trying to find out for myself," she relented. "There are times when I feel I've made the right decision for myself, what with the newfound freedom and powers I was forbidden to wield…however, there are also times where I regret it. There are no other creatures quite like us, Aqua, and there are few who can ever hope to understand us all the same. Kazuma is a pending exception, so far at least. But that doesn't change the fact that we are alone down here, and somewhere deep in your heart, you know just how terrifying that prospect is for immortal beings like us."
Wolbach sighed, suddenly feeling drained as she rested herself on her reading chair, but not before adding, "It doesn't matter either way, my actions had consequences and I faced them accordingly. I have eternity to debate with myself on whether or not it was worth it, but all I know is it was enough to get out from under the council's thumb."
Aqua pursed her lips, her own temper settling slightly as she processed Wolbach's words, and the genuine nature they were presented in. As much as she hated to admit it, and she did hate it, Wolbach was spot on the eris. Aqua was terrified of the prospect of ending up alone, and acknowledging that fear lingering within her fellow goddess as well...well, it was sobering, to say the least.
"You honestly found the council that stifling?" She managed eventually, earning her a brief glance of ire before she amended her question. "It's just, I always saw them as pretty level-headed and fair with their treatment of each other. Was it really enough to drive you to dark magic, just to break the normalcy?"
Wolbach despondently glanced down at the floor, carefully thinking over her words. She breathed through her nose and admitted, "They have good intentions, don't get that misconstrued. But their hubris clouds their judgement more often than not. I should know, I'm still technically a god, loophole be damned. Think about it, Aqua, why didn't they suspend your guiding privileges when it became obvious you stopped taking your job seriously? I'd say it's because they couldn't go through the hassle of all that paperwork involved in pulling you out. Complacency, a byproduct of hubris. It was just the wakeup call I needed to see things for what they were..."
Aqua hummed once more, further mulling over those words. Yet again, she was almost disappointed with the far too prominent fact that she couldn't disagree with Wolbach's assessment. She had stopped taking her duties seriously, she could barely remember the souls she'd guided along before Kazuma. For all intents and purposes, she should have been relegated to the sidelines, but instead she was essentially ignored...until Kazuma got her yanked down to the real world, of course.
"Yeah…I'd be lying if a part of me never wondered why I didn't get fired sooner," Aqua shamefully admitted, now becoming increasingly uncomfortable with how she used to trivialize death. It took an arrow to her newfound crush's neck to realize how not funny it really was. "It pains me to say this…like, this really hurts to admit…buuuuut maybe you do kinda, sorta, make a bit of a point…somewhat."
Wolbach snorted at that, earning her a pointed look from the water goddess before she ultimately relented. She had to give credit where credit was due, Aqua offered a fairly mature given the circumstances. It was only fair to return the favor.
"Well, thank you, Aqua. If we're being fair, you also have...some points for getting me to reevaluate. The council made Heaven harder for me, but only because I let them. Had I made an effort to talk things out instead of immediately choosing to go to war...well, maybe things could have gone differently."
Aqua, surprising even herself, smiled at Wolbach and made an offer to her. "Tell you what…how about we both forget what could've been and just learn to move on? Getting out of Heaven has actually made me appreciate the little things again. I mean, sure, Giant Frogs are still ick and paying off debts is no fun, but I honestly feel more alive now than I ever was back home. Even if you can't say the same for yourself, why don't we at least try to move forward together? Maybe…even as potential friends?"
"That...actually sounds quite nice. Having proper friends for a change, that is." Wolbach admitted, a small but genuine smile rising on her face as she rose from her chair, stretching in the process. "In fact, I concur with feeling far more lively now than before, especially since leaving the Devil King's command. Even under him, I still had chains holding me back. But now? I believe I can truly consider myself free, and I'm going to cherish that feeling henceforth. No more taking things for granted."
"Amen to that," Aqua joked, reaching out to shake Wolbach's extended hand. It was going to take some adjusting (especially with that unmistakable demonic musk), but the archpriest/water goddess would stay true to her word this time. Wolbach was part of the family after all, so she would be treated accordingly. The first step in letting bygones be bygones.
"Amen indeed," Wolbach replied pleasantly, more than pleased with how smoothly things had gone compared to what she'd expected. And all before lunch, no less! "Well, I thank you for being willing to discuss this with me, Aqua. Now, is there anything else you wished to speak about while we still have the room? Anything else you'd like to get off your chest?"
Aqua pursed her lips as she swung her arms from side to side. After an intense round of thinking, she decided now was as good of a time as any to speak her mind. "Well, there is one thing…"
"Then let's hear it," Wolbach calmly encouraged, letting her body language show she wasn't going to get worked up over whatever Aqua had to say.
"Alright, you asked for it," Aqua warned before taking a deep breath and laying it out bare. "I've been wondering if there was a chance that you may have…feelings for Kazuma?"
Kazuma planned to head back home after his brief but overwhelmingly irritating interaction with Iris and her royal posse. Yet, when his stomach rumbled loudly and he realized just how hungry he was, he figured making a quick stop to the local cafe wouldn't be the end of the world. It's not like the royal loli would track him down again, right?
"Is this seat taken?"
If only life could throw him a bone.
Reluctantly looking up from his panini, Kazuma was once again disturbed by the ever so persistent princess of Belzerg, this time disguising herself in civilian clothes as to not draw nearly as much attention. She somehow had a cheery, "innocent" smile on her face as though she hadn't already gotten his message the first time around. And that really pissed him off in all kinds of ways. He might as well have been talking to a brick wall just an hour ago.
"...if I said yes, would you even accept my answer?" He asked in deadpanned, receiving a cutesy head shake in response before he sighed, and gestured to the open seat. "Please, make yourself comfortable, your highness. Feel free to order whatever, I was just leaving."
"Please don't, it wasn't easy to find you after you left." Iris pleaded half-heartedly, earning a brief glare from Kazuma before she rolled her eyes and shrugged. "Alright, fine, I had you tracked the second you left. Can we please just...try this again? Give me one more chance to appeal to your senses, and if that doesn't work, I'll leave you alone."
Kazuma couldn't help but snark, "Y'know, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's a famous quote from where I come from. Don't who said it, don't really care. Either way, what do you hope to gain out of this attempt exactly?"
"If I'm well and truly lucky, I might have a chance to change your mind about an alliance." Iris replied diligently, before taking her seat and once again shrugging. "That, and I'd have another chance to speak to one of Belzerg's greatest heroes in recent history. Even for someone of my position, you must recognize how fascinating it is to speak to the man who killed four demon generals."
"Quit trying to butter me up, it's not gonna work," Kazuma growled, knowing full well where Iris was going with this. Aqua had used this same tactic on him more times than he could count. "Besides, had you been there to witness any of those 'battles', you might not look at me or my team in the same heroic light. Those were slapstick comedy routines more than anything."
"Perhaps, but they certainly did the trick, didn't they?" Iris rebutted, before sighing and lacing her hands together, choosing her next words carefully. "As a secondary proposition, I'd like to ask you to at least consider joining my coalition against the Devil King. If you were to accept, you'd be provided lodging, weapons and gear of the highest caliber, and all the resources at my disposal to accomplish one goal: kill the King. After that, you don't have to so much as glance at the capitol or deal with the politics of any other part of the kingdom again."
Taking an unenthusiastic bite out of his sandwich, Kazuma listened to what the princess had to say and mulled it over in his head. Worst thing he could do was lie that he'd consider it and completely ghost on her. The man had already decided after his first run-in with a general that he'd play it easy going forward. Kazuma had a mansion, enough money to retire, and a new relationship with his party. He didn't owe this world anything, so why should he care about this loli's problems?
"Look, I'll level with you, Kazuma. You've certainly earned that much entertaining me thus far." Iris continued, her tone never losing it's serious edge but dipping slightly in formality. "You don't owe me anything, and I recognize that. I do. Belzerg has done nothing for you, so why in the world would you save it from damnation? The only answer I can offer you, whether you choose to accept it or not, is that you would do so because it is the right thing to do, not for me, but for my subjects. My soldiers, citizens, and everyday people walking the streets. Despite your current disposition, a part of me believes that deep down, you are willing to help those people, to fight for them. All I ask is that you consider doing so."
"Alright, alright, spare me the 'jerk with a heart of gold' spiel! I'll consider the offer," Kazuma grumbled. "Bet you guilt-tripped your way into becoming royalty, huh?"
"No, actually, that would be the death of my parents, unfortunately..." Iris replied, shifting in obvious discomfort as she avoided Kazuma's gaze, drumming her fingers distractedly on the table as she added on. "They both caught a terrible disease when I was still young. They passed, and with my brother off dealing with his own problems, the throne was left to me."
"Oh…" said Kazuma, for that was all he could think to say at the moment. He picked at his food for a bit as he tried to say something else. He couldn't just leave it at an "oh" like that! That'd be way too insensitive! "Um…sorry I unearthed some bad memories."
"It's quite alright, you couldn't have known." Iris assured him with a dismissive wave of her hand, a touch of her previous formality returning with her coming words. "From what I've heard, and what you've confirmed, you're not from around here? You hail from a place known as Japan, yes?"
"Yeah, you've heard right," Kazuma sighed, not really in the mood to talk about his old life. "Don't bother looking for it though, you won't find it. Magic cloaking barrier or something, I don't know."
"Fair enough, consider my curiosity quelled." Iris relented, apparently catching Kazuma's irritation better than most, which was admittedly appreciated. "Well, nonetheless, if it's not too much to ask, I would like to know more about you. Is there anything you'd be willing to share with me?"
Eyeing the princess with a level of caution, Kazuma shrugged and tugged on his mantle. "My favorite color is green in case it wasn't obvious."
"A fine choice. I've always been more partial to blue and white, myself." Iris replied earnestly, a small smile playing at her lips. "Never could quite decide which was my proper favorite, so I just chose both."
"Nothing wrong with having two favorite colors," Kazuma relented, lightly patting the table as he debated on what to do next. Should he excuse himself and never look back or…try to keep the conversation rolling. Each option came with it's own brand of awkward, so he decided, fuck it. "Sooo…what's up with that new prosecutor you hired? You said his name was Gary?"
"Ah, yes. As it turns out, while he is an absolute wiz with paperwork and consulting, he has a...distracting speech impediment, doesn't he?" Iris admitted, shaking her head with an amused laugh. "It's certainly strange, but Gary is loyal and good at his job, so I'm not exactly in a position to judge, am I?"
"No, I guess you're not," Kazuma agreed, letting a small chuckle escape him. "Still, with the way he spoke to me, I thought he was anything but a human. Like an alien or a fourth dimensional being or something. Dude gave me the chills if I'm being blunt here."
"Really? I suppose it can be a bit starling, but I can't help but think you're over exaggerating." Iris replied with no small amount of snark, before tilting her head in consideration. "However, a few other dignitaries have also made complaints. Maybe...we could add speech therapy to his health benefits?"
"Yeah, maybe that should've been the first thing to add," Kazuma commented, thinking of something else to add to the conversation. "So, is your full name really 'Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris'? I thought Crimson Demons had an affinity for strange names."
"Yes, Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris is my full, legal name." Iris confirmed in an obviously rehearsed tone, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. "It's such a mouthful, isn't it? I insist wherever I can to just be referred to as Iris, but only so many people listen. It's certainly proved to be a pain, at moments, having a name that long."
"Oh yeah, I can imagine." Kazuma snarked, before finishing off his sandwich and standing up. "Well, as fun as this has been, I do have to head home. I wasn't kidding about having somewhere to be, after all."
"Of course. Apologies for keeping you this long." Iris replied, no small amount of uncertainty entering her tone not long after. "I trust you will consider my offer?"
"That's what I said, isn't it?" Kazuma hummed non committedly, before a sly smile crept up his face as he reached the exit, turning to offer a final snarky remark. "Oh, and lunch is on you, by the way."
With that, the young adventurer was gone, leaving the fascinated and amused princess to foot the bill, not that it really mattered to her in any case. If she had Kazuma pegged right, and she was willing to bet her kingdom that she did, a handful of eris was a small price to pay for salvation.