Fighting Destiny 7

Chapter 29 Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

"

Jax and Tara got back to their house late Thursday night. They had gotten Abel ready for bed at the cabin knowing he would fall asleep on the drive back to the house. Jax carried him into the house and put him to bed, giving him a kiss after pulling up the covers.

Tara was standing in Baby Nate's room staring at the boxes.

"What the hell happened?" Tara demanded.

"I asked Donna and Opie to pack up Baby Nate's stuff."

Tara looked at Jax, her eyes blazing with fury.

"What gave you the right to just do this without talking to be about it first?"

Jax looked at Tara completely stunned by her reaction. He expected gratitude for his thoughtfulness, not anger.

"I saw you on the floor with Baby Nate's bunny and you were so heartbroken. I was saving you heartbreak by getting Baby Nate's stuff packed up."

Tara stared at Jax, anger coursing hot through her body. She wasn't mad at Opie and Donna. They were doing a favor that Jax had asked them to do. Her anger was strictly for Jax.

"You had no damned right to do anything with Baby Nate's things without talking to me about it first," Tara said raising her voice. They had a rule about not fighting in front of the boys, but Abel was in bed asleep so the rule didn't apply.

"I was saving you pain," Jax said also raising his voice.

He didn't understand why Tara was making such a big deal of this. It was easier for him now that all of Baby Nate's things had been put away. Whenever he saw something of Baby Nate's, it felt like a knife was being twisted in his heart. Opie and Donna had saved them both a lot of pain by packing up Baby Nate's belongings; that was a good thing.

"You were saving yourself pain."

"Yeah, it hurts less not seeing his stuff," Jax admitted, "but I asked them to box his stuff up because I wanted to spare you that pain."

"Guess what Jax? I am going to be in pain for awhile because my baby died. I'm going to be sad and I'm going to cry. Hope that's not too inconvenient for you," she said shouting. "If it is, too fucking bad."

"Fine, Tara," Jax ground out the words. "If that's what you want, we'll do it your way. I'll just take his things out of the boxes and you can put them back in. Will that make you happy?" Jax shouted.

"The only thing that will make me happy is my son coming back from the dead."

"He isn't just your son. He's our son."

"That's exactly why we should be making these decisions together," she snapped.

"What do you want me to do now?" Jax demanded.

"I don't give a shit," she said. "I'm taking a shower alone and then I'm going to bed."

"Fine," Jax said tersely. "I'll get the suitcases."

Tara walked past him out of Baby Nate's room, down the hall and into their bedroom. Leaning against the pillows was the large shadow box painted SAMCRO blue Donna had made.

Tara looked at pictures of Baby Nate and some of his favorite things his pacifier with its leash attached, his SAMCRO hat and his faux motorcycle boot booties and his much loved bunny. He had three that she rotated as she washed them. The shadow box perfectly captured Baby Nate. Donna had done a beautiful job.

She burst into tears. Home didn't feel like home without Baby Nate.

By the time she finished her shower and changed into her T-shirt nightgown, Jax had brought in the suitcases. She would unpack and do the laundry tomorrow.

She got into bed without speaking to him.

"What do you want me to do about the boxes?" Jax asked his tone of voice more conciliatory.

Tara shook her head too frustrated and angry to speak. He just didn't understand that part of the grieving process was taking Baby Nate's things and putting them away. He'd snatched that from her and she didn't know how to get it back.

She believed that he'd wanted Baby Nate's belongings put away because it was easier for him. She didn't understand how he could just box up Baby Nate and remove him from their lives like that.

She shut her eyes and pretended to be asleep.

"

"***

"

Tara took Abel to preschool wanting him to have the security of a routine. She was still an employee at St. Thomas, so Abel was allowed to use the hospital's preschool.

"Will Baby Nate be home when school's over?" Abel asked.

"No, sweetie," Tara said before giving him a kiss. "You can pick where we eat dinner tonight. You start thinking about it."

"Can we get chicken nuggets?"

"Whatever you want," Tara said kissing him on the top of his head. "Be a good boy."

Abel didn't understand that Baby Nate was never coming back. He asked about him everyday. Eventually, he would ask less and less and finally not at all. Every time he asked, it hurt her to the core.

Tara stayed a few minutes to speak to the preschool teachers who expressed their sympathy over Baby Nate's death. She usually brought him with her when she picked up Abel, so they had gotten to know the happy little guy.

She stopped by Margaret's office because she needed to see a friendly face.

"How are you doing?" Margaret asked. She was sitting at her desk in her office.

"Do you have a minute?"

"I've always got time for you," Margaret said.

Tara closed the door so curious ears wouldn't be tempted to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"It doesn't seem to be getting any easier," Tara confessed.

"It's still very early. You need to give yourself plenty of time."

"Jax had Opie and Donna box up all of Baby Nate's things while we were at the cabin. I'm so mad at him. It takes every bit of my self-control not to just slap and punch him. I don't know why I'm so mad at him. I almost hate him."

"Everyone grieves differently. It's easier for you to be mad at Jax than to be broken-hearted."

"I'm barely speaking to him."

"Men and women experience emotions differently too," Margaret said soothingly. "You both are doing your best to find a way to keep living, but I don't blame you for being angry with him for having Baby Nate's property boxed up. I'd be mad as hell too."

"I can't say anything to Donna because it isn't her fault."

"I can come over and we can repack the boxes together and we can talk about Baby Nate. Would that help?"

Tara's eyes filled with tears.

"I would love that. Thank you so much."

"What time should I come over."

"Jax has a club meeting tonight and Abel will be in bed. How is seven thirty?"

"Perfect. I'll bring wine and get my husband to play taxi so I don't have to worry about drinking and driving."

"Thank you, Margaret."

"There's something you should know. The preliminary is in on Baby Nate. It's pretty much what we expected. SIDS with co-sleeping as a factor."

"I told her not to sleep with him," Tara said bitterly. "Maybe if she'd listened, he'd still be alive."

"That's one truth, we'll never know," Margaret said.

She and Tara hugged good-bye and Tara left.

Talking to Margaret had helped a lot. The two had grown close over the last six months and Margaret was going to be the only person she missed when they left Charming.

Her fear that leaving Charming would require more blood and heartache wouldn't go away. It haunted her like Baby Nate's death.

They had eight days and then they would be free of this town. Only eight days. They just had to get out alive.