A/N: Well, it's been awhile! But here we are! Thanks so much fans! I appreciate each and every one of you!

With one kid on each side of her, Meredith tried to sleep. Eyes shuttered, she forced long, calming breaths into her lungs. She listened to Bailey's sharp intakes, Zola's little whimper on every second outbreath, and tried to match their syncopation.

Meredith shifted, turning to spoon Zola. She slipped her fingers through her daughter's soft curly q's and absorbed the scent of coconut oil, yet it did little to quiet her mind. She flipped over to cuddle with Bailey. He was in deep slumber and wouldn't wake. But even her baby's heavy warm body and gentle breathing offered no relief.

Time slipped by, but her mind hummed on standby. She couldn't get past the screensaver stage, and this screensaver was... Derek. Derek, Derek Derek. He was gone, right? But today… she'd seen him. Talked to him. Felt him, like he was real. And then, to cap it off, Carolyn showed up and convinced her kids that it was okay to make up Derek like he was an invisible ghost.

But then it was hypocritical of her too, wasn't it? She couldn't take away whatever imaginative remnants of Derek her kids dreamed up when she herself somehow conjured him up on the bridge, that wasn't right either. It wasn't okay. It just…

Meredith sat up and wiped her eyes. Enough. Tiredness pulled at her like a heavy anchor, but sleep was so far away. She tugged the covers off and scooted out of bed. She grabbed her jacket and slipped on her running shoes. With night stealth, she opened the door and walked across the hall to Carolyn's room.

She hesitated. Was she really doing this? She had to. She really… just had to. On the third knock, the door swung open. Her mother-in-law's white hair stuck out in all directions, and her skin looked especially pale and drawn without the benefit of make-up. "Meredith?" she asked, frazzled.

"I um, I can't sleep," Meredith said.

Carolyn gazed at her curiously.

"I just… um… the kids are asleep, and I need to-" She cleared her throat, unable to admit that it looked like she was running away again, except that she wasn't. "I need some air, and-" God, she was a horrible mother- she couldn't even grieve with her kids.

"It's fine," Carolyn said. "Let me just get my robe." She disappeared, then reappeared with a fuzzy brown robe wrapped around herself.

"Thank you." Meredith managed.

Carolyn's only response was to squeeze her hand.

xxx

Meredith closed the car door shut and hefted the flashlight in her hand. She took a few steps down the driveway and stopped. A car was coming up the lane. At first, she thought it would dip into the roundabout, but instead it veered to the right, pulling up into the house beside. It was late, well after midnight. Who could possibly be up at this hour in this small town? Meredith wondered, gazing curiously at the car. The door opened and a familiar tall figure stepped out.

Dr. Radford.

"Dr. Grey?" he asked, seeing her hunched form. "Are you all right?"

"I-um, yeah," she nodded. "Just going for a walk."

"It's… it's almost two in the morning."

She shrugged. "Can't sleep. What are you doing up?" she asked him.

"I just finished a shift at Blairville hospital. I would have been back earlier, but I got called in on a complication."

"Oh," she said.

"I'm sure you understand," he said.

Meredith nodded. "Can I ask what happened?"

"Trauma case, car accident. My patient had an embolism."

"Did he make it?" Meredith asked.

Sam shook his head. "It was too late, by the time I got there, it was too late."

Meredith's chest ached. She nodded her understanding. Too late. Everything and everyone was too late. Derek was running late on his way to the airport… The semi that hit him was running late, and the surgeon that could help him was an hour and a half late.

Flicking on the flashlight she turned to walk behind the Grey House.

"Wait!" Sam jogged after her. "Where are you going? It's late."

"I'm going for a walk," she said. She didn't know why. Maybe it would tire her out. She just… she felt so restless, agitated, and she wanted to make it stop.

"It's dark, at least let me walk with you. You don't have to talk or anything." Sam offered.

She merely shrugged, not like she could stop him. She trudged into the woods, and it wasn't long before she came to the bridge and stopped. Her footsteps echoed on each step. She clutched the rail and looked over the side, as if expecting Derek to be there with his fishing pole.

Of course he wasn't though.

Sam waited respectfully at the other end of the bridge as she paced, staring out at the moon-lit water trickling under her. Another tear threatened. She grabbed the rail and forced herself to sit. She was so tired, yet sleep was an eternity away. She rubbed her eyes, blearily regarding her escort. "Are you married?" she asked. Talking to him granted her a little break from the Derek, Derek, Derek in her head..

He shook his head, "divorced."

"Kids?"

"I have a son, Nick." Sam stepped closer, and bent down to sit across from her.

"I don't know how to do this without Derek. I thought I could, once… but it's like losing a leg, or an arm-" she sniffed. Dammit.

"It must feel impossible," Sam said.

"I think I'm going crazy. I s-saw him."

"Your husband?"

Meredith nodded. "Here," she said. "I saw him. I talked to him. I… we fished!" she blurted.

"It's… not uncommon. Grief is powerful. Especially when it's someone you love very much."

"I should get a CT scan."

"What?"

"Maybe I have a tumor. It's possible, believe me, I've seen it."

"Meredith…"

"And my kids…now they think they can talk to dead Derek anytime. Like I can just conjure him up out of nothing anytime they want. I can't- I can't-" She thudded her head against the rail. "He's gone."

He's supposed to be gone. Her dark and twisty side wanted him gone for good, to make it easier. But it wasn't possible, was it? Derek was as thoroughly entwined in her life as much as her children were, alive or dead.

"No, he's not." Sam said. "And it's okay."

"Wh-what?"

"He's not gone. Maybe his body is gone, but… he'll always be with you. And it's okay to let him."

Meredith pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. "I don't know. It hurts too much."

"Why?"

Meredith didn't answer. She didn't know. Instead she remained on the bridge in the dark, her flashlight shining out above the stream. Sam's gaze weighed on her, his presence seemed stifling. There were people around her, all the time, everywhere. "Can you please go?" she muttered.

"What?" Sam asked.

"Go away."

"Meredith, are you sure?"

"I'm okay. I know the way back. I have my flashlight. You can go now."

Though she could hardly see him in the dark, she could sense his scrutiny. "All right," he said after a moment. "Take care. If you need anything…"

"I know."

Sam quietly got up, and left.

A cool breeze chilled her, and she shivered. She pulled her coat tighter around her and blinked. God, she was so tired. When was the last time she slept a full night? Not for a long time… not since before…

She blinked, eyelids heavy. The soothing burble of the water below pulled at her and…

"Meredith."

"Please Derek, go away," she said, fighting tears. It was happening again, and she was scared that something was wrong with her. How was it possible to hear him? To see him with such clarity, as if he'd never left? Never died? "Please." She shut her eyes.

"I can't," he said. "You're not sick. You don't have a tumor, Meredith. You're not crazy."

She felt him stroke her cheek, felt his breath against her lips. And oh, how she wanted to fall into the warmth of his palm, succumb to this vision her brain was creating. But she couldn't. "Then why are you here?"

"Because I'm not finished."

Meredith opened her eyes and gazed at her husband who was supposed to be gone and buried. Dead. And yet, he sat so vividly alive in front of her. Saying things.

"I'm not finished loving you," he said.

Well, neither was she. He was supposed to be here till 110. Take care of her when she was old and smelly. He wasn't supposed to leave her. Not like this. "But you're dead. You'll never be beside me in bed, never make love to me, never see our kids grow up, never meet the baby-" she stopped, choked up with tears and snot. God, stupid hormones. Stupid exhaustion. "And it doesn't help that I see you every time I close my eyes. It just makes it hurt more when I wake up and realize this isn't a dream, and you're really gone." She rubbed her face and eyes. "I'm so tired, Derek. I just want it to stop."

"Hmm," Derek said. "You know, after everyone we lost, we never talked about it."

"About what?" she sniffled.

"The afterlife. Do you… have you ever…"

"Do I believe in ghosts?"

"Do you believe there's a place for us when we die?" Derek asked. "Do you believe that our spirits go somewhere? We just… I can't believe we never talked about it."

"Well, you're here, so…" Meredith shrugged. Did believing make it true? Meredith wasn't sure, although she had to admit that if Derek was really a ghost, it sure beat her having a brain tumor.

"You saw your mother when she died," he said.

She had. She'd never really shared that with Derek. Not in so many words. It still mystified her. That hypothermic vision that somehow brought her back from the dead. If she wanted to, she could explain it away with science and medicine… But a part of her didn't want to. "That was- I don't know what that was," she admitted.

"And you don't know what this is, either."

"No, I don't. Do you?"

Derek tilted his head and shrugged. "I was raised Catholic," he offered.

"So, what? Angels and clouds and harps?"

"Something like that." He took her hand, "Meredith, whatever this is… I'm not here to haunt you. Do you remember how you felt after we fished? After I left?"

Meredith nodded. She'd been scared of the pain that would follow. But surprisingly, it hadn't hurt as much as she thought. The experience left her feeling… warmed, maybe even comforted.

"I'm here to tell you that it's okay," Derek said. "It's gonna be okay. Eventually, that's how you're going to feel all the time."

"I'm just… not ready to be alone, Derek." She missed him terribly. Every second of every day, all the time, she missed him. She thought leaving her life in Seattle would grant some reprieve from the pain of his permanent absence from her life, but...

"But you're not alone." Derek said. "I'm here, Meredith. Maybe my body is gone, but I haven't left. I'm still keeping our vows, no matter what happens in the future. Let me in."

"I don't…" She shook her head, "how?"

Derek leaned forward. "Come here," he said. He pulled her forward, till she fell against his chest. His lips pressed gently on her temple and he wrapped his arms around her. "Shh," he said. "Rest. Sleep."

Meredith surrendered. Closing her eyes, she relaxed against him, comforted by his cologne and musk, the roughness of his shirt, and the warmth coming from his body. Finally, she slept.

A/N: Thanks for reading, please leave a review!