Chapter 29 - Damned If You Do
Predictably, Zuko struggled to fall asleep the following evening. That in itself was nothing new, but somehow the sleeplessness felt even more acute than before, magnified by the events of the day. Katara had barely left her room since their argument earlier, and he had done the same, not wanting to make things worse. Still, the more thinking he did about the choice before him, the more it felt like he couldn't even make this choice.
He knew that he couldn't betray Katara and their friends. Even if she was about to kill Azula, Zuko knew that he could not attack Katara in order to stop her. He might try to subdue her somehow, but she would consider that a betrayal... and technically, she would be correct. She might even use her bloodbending on him. He shuddered at the very thought of it, never wanting to experience those sensations again.
Perhaps... just perhaps Katara and the others were right, and Azula would lead them into a trap. Maybe she did deserve what was coming to her, but... no, Zuko felt it in his bones that Ty Lee had been telling the truth about his sister's change of heart. All he had ever wanted was to have a warm sibling bond with his little sister, but being the firebending prodigy that she was, Azula had always treated him with contempt. Now that she had been cast from the dizzying heights and had her wings broken, having to crawl on the ground with the rest of them, perhaps now they would be able to have the kind of relationship that he had always dreamed they would have, and yet... Katara would never stand for it.
Zuko knew that he needed to see his sister, needed to speak with her for himself. The next time he met Ty Lee, he would force her into arranging a meeting. He needed to see if Azula was sincere and if her change was real. He just needed to see his little sister again...
It was while having these thoughts about Azula, that Zuko noticed his bedroom doors slowly beginning to part with a light creak, someone stepping inside. His heart almost stopped when he realized that it was Katara, wearing nothing but a sheet wrapped around her body. Traces of fresh tears still glistened on her pale, haunted face, illuminated by the moonlight, and the dark circles under her eyes told the sad story of many sleepless nights.
"Katara?" he asked softly, rearing his head from the pillow. "What's wrong?"
"I... couldn't sleep," she sobbed in reply. "I'm just so frightened, Zuko."
"Frightened? What are you frightened of?" he quickly got out of the bed, hoping that she would not be offended by his lack of clothing, sleeping only in his shorts as the nights on Ember Island were still exceptionally warm.
"Of you leaving," she sniffed, casting her eyes downward. "All I could think of was that terrible row we had, and I thought I had pushed you away completely. I thought you might have left already... I don't know how I would cope if you left, Zuko. It would destroy me."
"Katara, I told you I'm not leaving you," he took a deep breath, trying his best to reassure her again.
"I know you said that, but..." she finally looked up at him, her cheeks reddening. "Maybe I'm being unfair, but I'm not sure I can believe you... as long as your words are all I have."
"How else can I prove it to you, Katara?" Zuko asked quietly.
"You can prove it by being with me," Katara replied simply, and what happened next, took Zuko completely by surprise. Katara let go of the sheet wrapped around her and it slowly slid down to reveal her naked body, remaining pooled at her feet. "I need to feel that you're not leaving me, Zuko," she whispered, taking a step towards him.
"Katara, I-..." Zuko was going through a complete mental meltdown, hundreds of conflicting thoughts battling in his head, fighting with his growing desire for this beautiful, yet so terribly damaged girl.
He wasn't blind as to what was happening here. In complete desperation, Katara was throwing herself at him in order to make sure that he remained on her side. She was too young for this, and she was not in a healthy frame of mind. There were so many reasons why he should reject her advances, but at the same time... Zuko could not blind himself as to what would happen if he did turn her down, as was the right and honorable thing to do. She was already on the edge. Rejection could tip her right over it, send her into an irreversible downward spiral and destroy her completely. Not to mention, it would destroy any chance of him being with her in the future.
If he were to accept her advances... he was less sure of what would happen then. He knew that there was a grave risk of making things worse, but it seemed less clear and obvious. This wasn't the right thing to do, no matter which way he looked at it, but perhaps it was the way of damage limitation. Once again, both choices were awful, and Zuko felt like he was damned either way, whether he pushed her away or took her to his bed. But all things considered... he would rather be damned with her, than without her.
"I told you that I would never leave you, and I did not lie," he finally managed in a hoarse voice, reaching out towards her. Katara all but threw herself into his tight embrace, and he felt a guilty spike of arousal from the way her small breasts pressed against his chest. As they clumsily began to kiss while slowly making their way towards the bed, awkwardly tumbling into the sheets, Katara landing on top of him, Zuko was already starting to wonder whether there was a path of redemption back from what he was about to partake in.
Come the morning, Zuko felt so ashamed and guilty that he did not even wish to open his eyes, wondering how he would be able to face the others. He sincerely doubted that they had managed to keep their embarrassing little affair hidden from the rest of the group, not with everyone's sleep being so light and fragile, not with Toph being so perceptive and Suki's room being directly opposite to his.
Katara had slipped out sometime during the night and he felt grateful to her for that. He didn't want her to face him in the morning and see only guilt on his face, nor did he want to see the regret in her eyes. The whole experience had been... extremely awkward, and Zuko doubted that either of them had actually truly enjoyed it. The muffled sighs that had escaped her lips now and then, instead of feeling gratifying and arousing, had instead served like tiny stabs directly to his heart.
Having rolled around the bed for a while, trying to muster the courage to face the new day, Zuko eventually gave up with a sigh and began to dress himself. He stopped at the mirror to check his appearance, scowling at the dejected and pale looking reflection. It didn't look like it belonged to a youth who had just spent the night with the girl of his dreams. It felt more like a reflection of someone weighed down by the guilt over a committed crime.
Letting out another sigh, Zuko opened the doors to his room and stepped into the hallway. Immediately, the doors to Suki's room sprang open and she bolted out, grabbing him by the hand and forcefully pulling him back into his room, slamming the door behind them. "What's the matter with you, Zuko?" she hissed at him angrily. "You're supposed to be the mature one in the group! And now you go and pull this shit? I can't believe it!"
"I..." Zuko began, his voice trembling. No, it was more than that, his entire body seemed to be trembling. "You're right, Suki... there's no excuse for what happened. Even if it probably didn't happen the way you think it did..."
"Enlighten me," Suki crossed arms on her chest as she scowled at him.
"Maybe I was wrong... I probably was, but... I was just too afraid to push her away, Suki," Zuko sighed, lowering his eyes. "When Katara came up, she was already in quite the state. I... I honestly didn't know what she might do if I had sent her away."
"You could have just comforted her, Zuko!" Suki argued. "You didn't have to... you know what, with her! She's so vulnerable right now, you shouldn't have taken advantage of that!"
"I wasn't trying to, Suki, believe me," he pleaded with her. "Katara, she... wanted proof that I wouldn't leave her. Proof, as in..." Zuko swallowed heavily, unable to finish. Fortunately, Suki immediately understood what he had meant.
"Shit!" the Kyoshi girl swore aloud, starting to pace back and forth the exiled prince's room. "Katara, what are you doing, girl?" she exclaimed, nervously wringing her hands. "Sokka's never going to forgive us if we don't take better care of his sister, Zuko. How the fuck are we supposed to keep her from falling apart? It's like... it's like watching the wheels coming right off from a cabbage vendor's cart!"
"I wish I knew, Suki," Zuko muttered. "Have you seen her this morning?" he asked.
"Not yet," Suki shook her head. "I'm almost afraid to."
"I know what you mean," Zuko shuddered. "I don't know what to do, Suki. I thought I knew what I was doing, but apparently winging it can just take you so far. I can think of only one way to help. We need to finish my father off as soon as possible, and then we need to fly you both down to the South Pole. Maybe being with her family will undo some of the damage."
"That's as good a plan as any," Suki nodded in agreement. "Now we just need to deal with that minor hiccup of dealing with the Fire Lord. Might be something to discuss with the others?" she pointed towards the doors.
'Yes, that's probably a good idea," Zuko agreed, the two of them leaving the room and heading downstairs. Zuko and Suki exchanged slightly perplexed stares when they heard the sounds of singing coming from the kitchen. Entering, they were surprised to see Katara humming a cheerful ditty as she stood by the stove, holding a bowl of pancake batter while heating up the pan. The kitchen appeared spotless and pristine, having been meticulously cleaned after it had been slowly accumulating trash over the past few days, nobody having the energy to do any cleaning.
"Katara?" Suki gave her friend a wide-eyed stare. "Is... everything alright?"
Katara turned to look at them, appearing a little surprised at the question. "Of course, Suki, everything's great! And a good morning to you both, by the way," she replied cheerfully. "I felt like surprising you with some cooking to start another lovely day. Speaking of which, Zuko, could you please fetch Toph? This will be a breakfast she won't want to miss."
More than a little perplexed, Zuko wandered down the hallway towards Toph's bedroom, returning a while later, accompanied by a yawning earthbender. Shortly after, they were all seated around the kitchen table, munching on the delicious pancakes with the choice of either apple or cherry jam.
"So... what's the occasion?" Toph was the first to eventually speak up, doing so with her mouth stuffed with a pancake and jam dribbling down her chin. "You're all being pretty weird this morning."
"I just wanted to do something nice for my friends," Katara replied, reaching out with a napkin to wipe Toph's chin, earning herself a grunt from the smaller girl. "I simply had this realization of how fortunate I am to have all of you," she added, Zuko and Suki exchanging slightly perplexed stares.
"Right, and I'm the new Fire Lady," Toph snorted. "Someone better find Katara's stash of cactus juice and take it away from her."
"See, that's what I love about you, Toph, you always know how to make me laugh and smile," Katara grinned at her younger friend.
"Guys, help!" Toph whispered to the others. "She's creeping me out!"
"Uh..." Zuko began awkwardly, all of them a little taken aback by Katara's over the top happy act. "Suki and I have been talking about how we should start making more concrete plans of defeating the Fire Lord. Maybe this might be a good occasion to throw together some ideas?"
"Yes!" Toph cheered, looking relieved. "I'm so itching for some action!"
"That seems like a good idea, Zuko," Katara smiled at him. "You must have some thoughts already. Let us know what you have."
"Well... the problem we are facing is that the Fire Lord is too well entrenched as long as he remains at the Royal Palace," Zuko began.
"Does he ever travel anywhere, Zuko?" Suki asked. "Surely he must do so!"
"Not lately, as far as I'm aware," Zuko shook his head. "He relies on his extensive network of servants and informants. He doesn't really need to go anywhere himself. But... I believe that might change with the arrival of Sozin's Comet."
"When was is it due to arrive, exactly?" Suki wondered.
"By the end of summer, so... in roughly three to four weeks," Zuko replied. "I suspect that my father will want to harness its power in order to personally wipe out the last remnants of resistance to complete the Fire Nation takeover. That's when we might get our window of opportunity."
"Yeah, but he'll be incredibly powerful because of that comet, won't he?" Toph asked, for once sounding a little concerned.
"Yes, but so will be Zuko," Katara pointed out.
"That might even things out, if we can catch my father without being surrounded by hundreds of other firebenders," Zuko replied. He realized that this was where having Azula on their team would have proved so very useful, as her prodigy level firebending would be particularly deadly during the comet's passing. But by now, Zuko knew that bringing up Azula's name together with a potential alliance would only result in bitter arguing, so he decided against mentioning it. He'd just... keep it in mind for some of his plans that didn't necessarily have to be shared with the others.
"Hmm, so let me see if I get this..." Toph mused thoughtfully. "The Fire Lord is going to use the comet's power to wipe out the resistance... so, why don't we ambush him on the way back, once the comet has passed?"
"How long will the comet's presence affect the firebenders, do you know that, Zuko?" Katara asked.
"I don't know for sure... it could be anywhere from three days to a couple of weeks," Zuko replied. "But I like Toph's suggestion. Though, there is the danger that he might achieve his goal and then return to the palace while the comet is still passing over."
"Well, then we attack him anyway!" Toph nodded resolutely. "He would have lowered his guard on the way back, thinking that there's nobody left around to oppose him, right?"
"It's a good plan," Suki said, though she didn't look particularly happy. "It's probably the best strategy we have. What I struggle with, however, is that we'd be allowing Ozai to wipe out hundreds, maybe even thousands of people..."
"It doesn't feel right, I agree," Katara nodded. "But if it gives us a better chance of taking him out... I don't know."
"I think that before we make any final decisions, we need to learn where exactly Ozai is preparing to strike during the comet's passing," Zuko said.
"My bet is on the remaining Earth Kingdom resistance pockets," Suki ventured a guess.
"That makes the most sense, I agree," Zuko nodded at her. "But we need to know for sure, and we won't learn that while hiding out on Ember Island. I'm afraid that there's only one option left for us... we need to infiltrate the capital. Once we've done that, the three of us," he pointed at Toph, Katara and himself. "Will be laying low for weeks, while we rely on Suki to gather information for us."
"Sounds good to me," Suki smiled. "Shall we go and get ready?"
"Well, there's no rush, the comet is still weeks away," Zuko replied. He definitely did not want to leave the island before he had a chance to meet up with Ty Lee and hopefully, with his sister as well. "I propose that we take a few more days relaxing on Ember Island... I very much doubt that we'll see this much freedom when hiding in some abandoned estate in the Royal Caldera City."