On that horrible night in the year 845, 541 people lost their lives in the Underground City.

It was 541 too many.

Among the 541 there were 536 civilians: 214 men, 205 women, and 117 children. The oldest was a great great grandfather with a wooden leg who had accompanied a neighbor's boy to the arena on his sixth birthday because both his parents were ill. The youngest was a baby, only a few weeks old, its broken body cradled so tightly against its dead mother's chest, it was impossible to separate the two.

Even the most hardened of politicians expressed shock over the bloodbath. The King issued an official apology and had 500 kilos of meat and one thousand barrels of ale distributed down to Chika. The Church of the Walls held a series of special services to pray for the deplorable souls of the departed. Noble families spontaneously donated old clothes and out of fashion footwear. Three high ranking Military Police Commanders were dishonorably discharged and sent to live on one of the crown's many empty country seats far away from the Inner City.

It was a bit strange, Zoë mused while Zackly yelled at Erwin and Nile Dok until he was red in the face, that five days after witnessing the horrors of that night, she still felt too numb to feel anything more than a slight discomfort in the region of the heart.

536 civilians were dead - and five soldiers. Two MPs and two Hange house guards, trampled to death when thousands of people had tried to save themselves by leaving the arena at once.

And one Survey Corps member.

She had seen his body only for a few seconds before the start of the mayhem and only because she had struggled so wildly against her captors. Yet, the image was burnt into her memory with unusual clarity, rising to the front whenever she closed her eyes. His dark hair, grown a bit longer than he had used to keep it, fanned out on the swiftly reddening sand. His eyes, wide open, an expression of surprise in them. His face - pale and charringly peaceful in its serenity as horrible violence erupted all around them.

"... she confessed, Sir," Nile Dok said stiffly. "I don't think the mission was a complete fail…"

"Be silent!" Zackly exploded anew, calling Dok a series of vulgar names as he continued to vent his anger about the fiasco that would damage their reputation for months. Months! The MP was a 'bunch of prancing bullies with no sense', he raged, and the Survey Corps 'criminal harboring lunatics with a deathwish', each and every commander and squad leader deserving several severe floggings for their failure.

"Sir," Erwin said when Zackly finally ran out of words, "it is my opinion that we have to investigate the incident carefully. Clearly, we don't sufficiently understand the details about what happened yet. I even believe it could have something to do with..."

"Details!" Zackly yelled, latching onto the next opportunity for a tirade with fervor. "Who cares about details! Fact is that one of your men, a known criminal, was involved in treasonous behavior that led to an uprising! Fact is that hundreds of military officers panicked when they faced a mob of such proportions! Fact is that we have to clamp down even harder now or risk even more unrest. Pah, details!" Zackly threw his hands into the air. "I advise you to keep your head low, Commander Erwin, and stop putting your nose into political affairs or I fear you will be relieved of your command before the year is over."

"Sir - I want to state that I agree with Commander Erwin," Nile Dok interjected. "Some of my men told me they believe that the command to charge came from a dubious source. They were told that a group of terrorists was hiding in the crowd. They said that..."

"Shut your trap!" Zackly screamed. "You have powerful friends, Nile. Or you'd have been sent to a farm to harvest potatoes for the rest of your life already."

"Yes, Sir, I understand, Sir," Nile said, his face grim.

"That woman will be hanged in three days," Zackly added gruffly. "And that will be the end of it. The. End."

"Sir?" Erwin stood a little straighter.

"You heard what I said," Zackly added moodily. "She was caught red-handed with the murder weapon and there are countless witnesses who saw her use it in a tell-tale fashion. She needs to be publicly executed."

"But Sir, surely we will question her and her motives? She cannot just be executed! She has knowledge of…"

"Nonsense. She is a deranged female who is much too skilled with a knife. She should have put her talents to use in a kitchen instead of slitting human throats!"

Her name is Annika, Zoë thought bitterly. She would be hanged? Well deserved. She killed Levi.

Her arrest, Erwin had told Zoë when he had been allowed to briefly visit her a few days ago, was the deal he had made with her. Fight a bit for show but let Levi win in the third or fourth round, then confess to the murders, go to prison for a bit and clear Levi's name. And… get a spot in the Survey Corps afterwards, conditional upon her performance.

Zoë had been too scatterbrained to ask how and when Erwin had met Annika for the first time. On his birthday, perhaps? Or even earlier. What she understood was that someone wearing a perfume like Xandra's had reached out from the Underground to warn the Survey Corps Commander about massive trouble coming Levi's way.

But then, things had gone very, very wrong.

That tended to happen when you thought you had leverage over crazy bitches like Annika. Erwin believed in honor and loyalty and in his abilities to outsmart everyone. Annika had likely used his hubris against him expertly, by claiming she loved Levi beyond anything while batting those lashes, realizing that Erwin was a big, uptight idiot who was too full of himself to realize when he was manipulated.

"I misjudged," was what Erwin had said during his visit. For his standards, he had sounded contrite.

He had failed to speak to Levi before the fight. Apparently, the path to the seats around the ring had been cordoned off tightly by well trained, armed men, he told her, and he had the bruises to show for it. He had been forced to watch the spectacle from quite far away, as powerless as her.

Those well trained men - they were Hange guards in civilian clothing, as Zoë knew. Her father had come prepared.

"Zoë Hange, step forward!"

They had to call her name twice and nudge her in the back before she realized that it was her turn. Erwin and Dok had moved to the side, vacating the spot before the Commander-in-Chief of the Three Military Branches' elevated desk. Erwin looked stoic as always on the outside but she knew him well enough to notice signs of anger in how his eyebrows pinched together a little more than usual and his broad shoulders were rigid with tension. Suffering a defeat and having your pride crushed was bad enough but having to bow and scrape and allow political cover ups was even worse for someone like him. She felt glad she wasn't in his shoes.

Though her current shoes were a pain in the ass too, she thought wryly as she staggered forward, too hard, too narrow, with heels that were much too high for normal human beings to walk on.

A court aide read out the insubordination charges against her.

"Well, Miss Hange," Zackly said mildly, pushing up his spectacles with the index finger of his right hand. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"No, Sir," Zoë said. She had to repeat it because her voice was a little hoarse. She hadn't used it a lot in the last few days, she realized.

"Uhm, hm, hm," Zackly grumbled. "I understand you have been living in your father's house since… since the unfortunate… yes, mhmhmhm."

Zoë nodded though 'living in your father's house' did not adequately describe her situation. The Hange house guards had treated her like a criminal down in the underground. Her father's right hand man, Basil, had shackled and then even gagged her, enjoying himself much too much. It was a private feud between them - she had fooled him once too much in her youth. Only her extreme resistance had prevented her father's men from dragging her from the arena before the fight. Though maybe being absent would have been preferable to being doomed to watch in forced silence from a position too far away to be of any help.

"I understand that you had no choice but to follow that deceased criminal by the name of…," Zackly squinted at his documents.

"Levi," Zoë's voice shook. "His name is Levi."

"Yes," the General nodded, "... you had no choice but to follow that man down to where he originated from. He forced you and…"

"No," Zoë shook her head. "No, that's not what happened."

"Ah, but it says so here," Zackly frowned.

"My father is lying, Sir, because…", from the corner of her eyes, Zoë saw Erwin make a sudden movement, which threw her off for a second. "My father, Sir, is lying," she continued after a deep breath and turning her head away so she couldn't see Erwin anymore. "Because he thinks he needs to protect me. The truth is, I followed Levi down to the Underground of my own free will, going against Commander Erwin' explicit orders. I…"

"That is not true," Erwin spoke up sharply. "Squad Leader Hange, be quiet."

"With all due respect, Sir, I…"

"Quiet!" Erwin barked. "That's an order!"

"Hm," Zackly narrowed his eyes. "It's clearly a case of abductors' syndrome. I've seen it before. Pity."

"But Sir!" Zoë took a step forward, her skirts wrapping themselves around her legs awkwardly so that she almost stumbled. "Someone planned for Levi to go down to the Underground! They wanted to lure him there to kill him. I think it's someone who goes by the name of the Pa…"

Bang! Everybody jumped and whirled around as the doors to the court hall burst open with dramatic effect. Zoë groaned. Had he waited for this exact moment outside?

"Well met, Darius," her father smiled brightly, "looks like I've arrived just in time."

"Daniel!" Zackly got up and dipped his head. "It is an honor to have you join us."

Zoë watched in disbelief as her father strode forward confidently in his expensive dark overcoat, his polished boots clicking on the marble floor, ten of his guards behind him. This was a military court. Her father had no authority here. He threw the saluting Erwin and Nile a benevolent look as he took position next to her.

"My Zoë is barely recovered," he put a well manicured hand on hers and pressed it in a perfect display of fatherly concern. "Please be gentle, Darius. She's just a girl."

"Oh hohoho," Zackly boomed. "A feisty girl, Daniel! Feisty! But don't fear, don't fear. We know her to be in good hands. No prison sentence will be necessary."

"Thank you," her father tipped his head gracefully. "You are too kind."

"The doctor's testimony swayed me," Zackly looked at Zoë with pity. "It will take a while for her to become mentally fit for duty again?"

"Yes," her father sighed. "Could be a very long while."

They escorted her from the courtroom like she was made from porcelain and would break at a mere touch. Her. Who had killed more than three Titans by herself. And still, she was too numb to care.

Strange, really.

###

Some time after the numbness came the dreams. She never wanted to wake from them yet was always forced to. Servants came in to open the blinds at 9am, opened the windows for fresh air from 9.10 to 9.20, washed her, dressed her and coiffed her until 10am. After that there was breakfast, sometime later a light luncheon, tea at 4, dinner at 7pm, a few hours later, bed. Those meals were strung together by empty, pointless activities such as sitting around in one parlor or the next while women from another noble family visited, cross stitching or embroidery with her mother and Beatrix Treibel, or reading educational novels for young ladies that somebody chose for her. The library was locked. Her mind was sluggish, not her own. It was as if she inhabited a stranger's body.

Since all she wanted was to go back to dreaming about Levi anyway, she didn't care much about it.

What they hadn't been able to have together in life was possible in her dreams. A house on a little hill that oversaw a sea of red, yellow and purple wildflowers, ten speckled chickens who ceaselessly scratched the ground in the courtyard, a garden with vegetables she tended to every day, three sturdy brown horses, a black and white milk cow. She even dreamed of children, a boy and a girl, running around laughing and hitting at each other with swords made from wood. It was wholesome, carefree and boringly domestic - Levi even tried to watch his language sometimes until they were alone in bed. And of course, however much they had labored in the fields, they were never too tired to make love. His touch lit her on fire, his lips teased her into ecstasy, his thrusts brought a deep, thorough fulfillment that calmed her aching heart.

Her nights she spent bathing in their passionate love for each other. Her days she spent as a listless prisoner in her father's house. Her days were nightmares, her dream-filled nights perfect bliss.

Of course, it couldn't last. Dreams were just dreams and however much her mind tried to fool itself by thinking "tomorrow, tomorrow, we will meet again tomorrow", her body knew better. She lost her appetite completely, became weaker and weaker each day. The doctor frowned, nodded, and scribbled something into a black notebook. Her mother, who looked grey and withered, cried a lot into her snow white and prettily embroidered handkerchief.

There was no telling what would have happened had she not gotten up at a specific time one day from the sofa where she sat stitching a crooked pink rose to stretch her back. The sun was shining and she went to the window to have a look at the clouds - funny how their shape remained one of the things she felt curious about. As she tried to remember the names and smiled when the words cirrus, cumulus and stratus appeared in her hazy brain, a movement down in the courtyard caught her eye. When she looked down, she noticed a man with unruly white hair scurry across the cobblestone and disappear through a servant's gate.

A jolt went through her.

She knew this man.

"Mama," she frowned, "who was that visitor who just left?"

"I don't know who you mean, dear," her mother got up to join her at the window and looked down into the now empty courtyard.

"An old man," Zoë explained in mounting agitation, "with white hair sticking up like this!"

She gesticulated with her hands. Her mother watched her with a frown.

"Might you mean Doktor Krakow?" She then suggested.

"Oliver." Zoë's lips spoke the name before her head had properly made the connection.

"Yes, dear. His name is Oliver Krakow," her mother patted her arm affectionately and guided her back to the sofa.

From that moment on, Zoë stopped eating the food that was served to her at the table, claiming she had an upset stomach. She stopped drinking the water they poured from the carafe. Dying was an option she considered, but hunger drove her down into the kitchen in the midst of night eventually, where she wolfed down bread, cheese and fruit from the servant's pantry.

It didn't take long for her mind to clear. Whatever substance they had used to subdue her, it left her system quickly. She pretended to eat at the table but spat it all out. She took great care to be docile and weak.

The dreams stopped. Which meant that the grief hit her like a sledgehammer one morning, leaving her sobbing her eyes out on the floor of her bedroom prison.

But there were not tears enough in the world to wash this sorrow out of her. Levi was gone. Levi was gone and she hadn't been there for him. He had died in that arena in front of thousands of greedy spectators and not a single friend had helped him when he had needed them most. They had abandoned him. Each and every member of the Survey Corps had let him down. How… how was she going to live with that knowledge?

###

It was her brother Benjamin who told her that the Underground was sealed off completely by the order of the King when she tried to coax him into helping her escape once more. Given the explosive situation down there after the "insurgence", as the slaughter was now called in government circles, all the entrances were heavily guarded, only goods were allowed in and out.

"But surely Papa can arrange for an access token?" Zoë asked her brother. She needed to go down there - needed to at all cost. For her own peace of mind, she needed to talk to the people she had met while staying there, to understand what had happened, to understand why… she blinked tears away. Why had the Underground punished Levi?

But Ben shook his head resolutely. He had grown a beard, it looked good on him, manly and self-assured. "Zoë," he urged her. "Please don't try to oppose Father this time. I don't want to see you hurt."

That made her laugh out loud. How funny! Her own father had drugged her so she would appear obedient and docile to the rest of the world and this brother of hers was concerned she could get hurt?

"I need to find out why Levi is dead," she told her brother, "I need to talk to Xandra. I need to…"

"That woman is dead too," Benjamin said stiffly.

"Dead?" Zoë echoed.

Benjamin nodded, trying in vain not to look too relieved. It explained why he seemed far less anxious than before. Gods, what had happened to Xandra's girls?

"How…?"

"Just one of the casualties," he said with a shrug. "Probably got trampled to death."

Or not. Could anyone hold against her that she believed her father capable of murder? Anything for the good name of the family. Anything.

It dawned on her then that nobody was going to help her. That with Xandra's death, the proof against Benjamin had probably gone "missing". That nothing was stopping her father from doing what he wanted to dismantle the Survey Corps. And nothing was stopping him from bending her to his will.

Fuck. She didn't even have a good idea about how many days had passed since the massacre. Ten? Twenty? What were her comrades doing?

Zoë changed her tactics then. She needed to gather information. The library might be locked, but a locked lock meant someone had the key. Probably her father. If he wanted to keep her out of the library, she had to get into the library as soon as she managed.

Convenient that Theodor Treibel was announced that same afternoon. He looked spiffy in his ironed uniform though he had lost a lot of weight, had dark circles underneath his eyes and still carried his arm in a sling. Apparently, he had been released from hospital only a few days ago. A close brush with death, her mother had tearfully conveyed to her before ushering her into the parlor. Like she fucking cared.

"Zoë," Theodor got to his feet a little clumsily as she entered the room, "I'm very happy to see you." His eyes moved over her from head to toe. Her maid had spent an extra time with her hair this morning, attempting to curl it. She looked like a sheep now. And she was dressed in a foppish blue silk dress with yellow ribbons, silly and useless. Like this man.

"Where's the girl?" she snapped at him, dropping all pretense since they were alone.

"Girl?" he blinked.

"The girl who saved you. Esmelda. You promised Levi you'd take her to a hospital."

"Ah," Theodor still blinked. "That girl. Well, you know how it is. Underground brats have..."

"I will ask my mother to secure her a position here at the house. So get her here. Tomorrow."

"O… okay? Yes, if you want that. She's fine, actually. Clever girl, really good with numbers. I didn't know you knew her."

Theodor grew a little pale as she glared at him with all the hostility she felt, which was considerable. Part of her wanted to blame him for everything. Had he not ran to her parents after seeing her going down to the Underground, had her father not come down himself to fetch her…

"Zoë, I came because I got permission from your father to court…"

"Shut up, idiot," Zoë snapped. "And spare me this shit. I'm not getting married to you, never. Court me? Court a donkey's ass, your chances of success are higher."

"Ah, but… but…," he stammered.

"Conveniently, I'm already married," Zoë informed him. "Go tell your parents. You're free."

"What?"

"To Levi."

"The guy who died?"

"The guy who saved your fucking life. And guess what, I'm going to mourn my husband for two full years like it's customary for a widow and after that, I will mourn him some more just because I want to. This will not happen."

"I'll talk to your father," Theodor frowned. "I don't think you're thinking clearly, I heard that…"

"Sit down, Teddy," she pointed at the yellow settee he had vacated. "We need to talk."

"Okay?" he sat down gingerly, eying her with apprehension.

She sat down next to him. Funny that they were in a room with one of Renzo's paintings on the wall. It was an idyllic country scene, a sea of flowers with a hill in the background, on top of which there was a little house, smoke coming out of its chimney. It took a moment for her to battle down the feeling of loss that rose to her throat and settled heavily behind her eyes.

"I'm being held here against my will," she told Treibel while emphasizing every word in case he was too stupid to follow. "I appeal to you as a fellow soldier, Theo. You must get a message to Commander Erwin for me."

Theodor's throat worked. He was afraid. She could actually emphasize. Her father was goddamn scary.

"I don't hate you for telling on me," she leaned forward a little. "I want to blame you for everything but I realize that you were just a pawn. Like me. I actually think you're a good guy. You follow the rules. You have a sense of honor and justice. Your sister is my sister-in-law and we have grown… close. Really close while sitting around embroidering handkerchiefs. I guess your parents are breathing down your neck? 'Marry that Hange girl and be quick about it', something like that. Is your family in financial difficulty? I overheard Beatrix mention something like it."

Theodor remained silent but a slow blush crept up his neck, making him look very young and insecure. Zoë sighed. No, she couldn't hate this guy. But she could use him with no mercy.

"You chose the military because you want to be useful. You and me… we're alike in that sense. You know where you can be really useful? In the Survey Corps."

She paused, watching how Theodor took a deep, agitated breath. Good. She had judged him correctly.

"Commander Erwin values my judgement. If you want to join us, I can arrange that. He will file for a transfer if I tell him to. It's a mere formality, no such request has ever been denied."

"But you're all crazy," Theodor exclaimed. "Reckless fools who don't care about dying! I care for my life."

"So do I," she sighed. "And so do all the others. You may call us crazy, but all we do is care so much about life that we are ready to put ours on the line for humanity."

"Okay," he leaned forward too. "I guess that's… that's really impressive."

"Would you want me to talk to Commander Erwin?" she dropped her voice conspiratorially.

"Yes, I'd want that," his cheeks showed two red spots. "God, the MP disgusts me. Did you see the guys who were with me when you wanted passage to the underground? Most of them are like this."

"You should hear some of the jokes we make about you."

"No! Don't tell me!" he grinned, making a warding sign.

She had him.

###

The first thing her eyes fell on when she broke into the library in the dead of night was the book Levi had stolen for her from Oliver's lab. She immediately recognized it from the ugly tear in its spine. Someone had put it on the shelf for botanical books brazenly, as if the Hanges were exempt from following the law. Which was probably exactly what the Hanges were. A forbidden book? There's nothing Council Hange isn't allowed to have! Look here!

Zoë went on her tiptoes, pulled it down and carefully put it on the small table near the window.

I won't cry, she told herself and pressed her lips together hard. In the flickering light of the single candle she had brought with her, she began to turn the pages. Banana, she recognized the entry she had looked at before. A strangely shaped berry, tasty, nutritious, growing on trees in… in hot, tropical climates? Huh. What was that?

Zoë wiped away the tears that dripped from her face. Fuck. When would everything stop reminding her of what she had lost?

As she continued leafing through the book, she realized that someone had dog-eared several pages. That was no way to treat such a valuable book! With care, she smoothed out the mistreated corners. And suddenly realized with a start that one of the marked pages depicted the tree with the leaves she had collected on the outside. The leaves who had healed Levi so quickly.

"Eldian Dreams," she read. Huh? What a strange name for such an ugly bush-tree thing. "Origin unknown. Extremely rare species, possibly extinct. Might be connected to the immune bloodlines of the Eldian Warrior Family."

Zoë blinked in confusion at the entry. That was it? And what the fuck was an Eldian Warrior Family? She turned to the next page and back. Then she checked the other marked pages. Some berries. A flower. Moss. More moss. Fungi.

"Oliver…," she breathed. Who else. Who fucking else! But the question was… what was Oliver doing coming in and out of her father's house?

She hid her book behind the tall books in the crafting section of the library trying not to feel too agitated.

"Zoë…?" a faint, shaking voice said from the door.

She swiveled around, ready to attack whoever came to apprehend her but it was just her mother, her hair hanging down loose underneath her nightcap, her eyes huge and fearful in the candle light.

"Mama," Zoë rushed to the door and quickly shut it behind her mother.

"Zoë, what are you doing in here?"

"What do you think I'm doing, Mama?" Gods, how much she had detested her mother for her meekness in her teenage years. Now she only felt pity.

"You can't, my dearest child," her mother whispered. "Please. You don't know what he's capable of."

"I think I do know," Zoë put a hand on her mother's thin shoulder. "Will you help me?"

"Help you do what?" her mother's voice became almost inaudible. "It's useless. Everything is useless. This house, this life… it's all I have. I cannot exist without it."

Zoë hugged her mother at an impulse, feeling her trembling in her arms like a frightened child.

"Leave it to me, Mama. Trust me. All I need is proof that he is breaking the law. Do you know where I could find it?"

For several moments, her mother went stock-still. Then, she nodded. "Yes," she whispered. "Yes, I do. May the Gods of the Walls help us. I collected it over the years. It was the only thing keeping me marginally sane."

###

They were all there to greet her at the gate of their headquarters in Stohess. Erwin radiated such grimness, nobody dared to cheer too loudly in his presence but they all crowded her to pound her back and to express their happiness over her return afterwards.

She didn't ask Erwin what he had done with the documents that she had Treibel deliver to him. It felt too much like a near miss. It was better not to know in case this was not a victory that lasted. But - the petition had been withdrawn. Her father had pointed at the door wordlessly and had let her go. She hoped she had misread his expression. Because… why would he look amused after such a defeat?

"I'm here if you need a shoulder to lean on," Mike hugged her fiercely and cried.

They got incredibly drunk that night. Nobody mentioned Levi but she saw the guilt in all of them. They had failed him. Utterly failed him.

One of these days, she decided, she'd ride out and would find the graves Levi had made for his two closest friends, Furlan and Isabel. She'd erect a memorial stone for him there. He'd like to be with his friends, she thought. Out there in the open, with the wind, the rain, the fresh air. She would plant some flowers for him. Actually, she'd plant a whole sea of wildflowers, red, yellow and purple.

For a tomorrow that never came.