Jennie
"Her hand moved!" I cried, looking at her face waiting for her to open her eyes.
Linda and Richard jumped up too and we all leant over the bed just waiting. When Lisa's hand tightened on mine, Linda laughed quietly and Richard pressed the call button the wall to get the doctors attention.
The same doctor from yesterday came rushing in, obviously his shift had ended and started again and that made the time seem even longer somehow. A nurse came in behind him; they both looked at us curiously.
"Her hand moved," Richard explained.
I couldn't take my eyes off of Lisa, I daren't even blink incase I missed anything, I couldn't breathe as I stood there waiting and waiting. After about a minute her eyelids fluttered.
The doctor walked round to the machines, checking the printout of her heart monitor making Linda and Richard step back out of the way to give him access.
Suddenly it happened and I dragged in a ragged breath as my fear and worry loosened slightly. I worked hard to keep the horror and sadness off of my face as Lisa's eyelids fluttered, before opening. I smiled weakly as she groaned and raised her hand to pull at the tube that was going down her throat. I took her hand quickly and brushed her hair back from her forehead.
"Shh baby, it's ok. Everything's ok, they'll take that out just don't worry," I cooed soothingly as the nurse and doctor stepped forward to the edge of the bed. Her eyes met mine and I saw panic and fear there, which broke my heart. "Everything's ok, baby," I lied. She squeezed my hand hard as they pulled out the tubes from her throat making her gag and cough as she gasped for breath. They fussed over her for a couple of minutes while she just gripped my hand as if her life depended on it.
I felt sick, they were about to tell her and I was about to watch her heart break. Was I strong enough to be here when they told her? Could I watch them rip her heart out without breaking down and making it worse for her? I didn't want to be here but Lisa's green eyes met mine and I knew I needed to stay. It would hurt like hell to watch, but I would never leave her when she needed me, I needed to be strong for her, I refused to cry and make this worse for her by being weak.
I sat on the chair next to her bed as the doctor and nurse looked at Linda, silently asking for permission to tell Lisa the news. She nodded and they stepped forward again. Lisa didn't pay any attention to them, she tugged on my hand slightly, making me move closer to her. I smiled weakly and pressed my lips to her dry chapped ones for a second before pulling back. "I love you, Lisa," I whispered fiercely.
She smiled her heartbreaking smile that I had missed so much for the last day, "I love you more, Jennie bear," she croaked, her voice sounding raspy and sore. My stomach seemed to flutter that the first words out of her mouth were the sweetest words in the history of the world. I would never take a single one of her words for granted again; this situation had just made every single one more precious to me.
The doctor cleared his throat, "Lisa, we need to talk to you about what happened," he said confidently.
Lisa tore her eyes from me to look at the doctor and I couldn't listen, I couldn't hear it again. I kept my eyes on her face, watching as emotions crossed her face so quickly I could barely even register them. Confusion, horror, fear, desperation.
She turned her head and looked at me, her eyes pleading with me to tell her she was fine, that this was a lie or a joke. She had never looked so vulnerable and scared and I hated her parents more than ever for it. I nodded in confirmation watching her face fall as she slowly started to accept it, her hand squeezing mine so hard it felt like she was going to break my fingers but I just didn't care.
The doctor still wasn't done, he was still telling her about the operation and how it was risky and running through the chances of success. When it got to the point about the next of kin, Lisa's eyes snapped to me.
"Tell me you signed the forms Jennie. Tell me they did the operation. Please…….please tell me," she begged, looking at me desperately.
I shook my head slowly, swallowing my horror at how scared and hurt she looked. "I couldn't, they wouldn't let me. I'm not your next of kin," I whispered, each word seemed to burn its way out of my throat.
She looked at me confused, "Not my next of kin? Of course you are, you're my wife," she rasped, looking at me confused.
I reached out her hand and stroked the side of her face. "Our marriage isn't legal, Lisa. They wouldn't let me sign it. I'm so sorry baby, I tried, I wanted to." I flicked my gaze to Linda, trying to kill her with my eyes because the look on Lisa's face right now was pure agony and heartbreak and it was all her fault.
"So, the operation didn't happen?" Lisa asked, still looking at me, ignoring everyone else in the room. "I can't walk now? That's it?"
I didn't know what to say, I leant forward and kissed her forehead softly, making her hand tighten on mine. "You didn't have the operation Lisa, but if you want to have it now then there's still a chance it'll work." I turned to the doctor, looking at him for confirmation, "Right? She can still have it, can't she?"
He nodded and stepped forward, cocking his head to the side, looking at Lisa intently. He cleared his throat, obviously trying to get Lisa's attention again, but Lisa's eyes were fixed firmly on me, the heartbroken look on her face caused me more pain than I had ever experienced in my life.
"I'll get Dr. Kirk to come in and talk to you, if that's what you want, Lisa. He's the surgeon who would perform the operation. He'll be able to run through things better than me," the doctor said, touching Lisa's arm lightly.
Lisa didn't say anything, just nodded and gulped noisily. I pressed my forehead to hers and looked into her eyes, I could see my exact feeling mirrored there, she was terrified, her eyes glassy, like she was trying not to cry.
"I love you," I whispered, kissing her lips lightly.
She closed her eyes and nodded slightly, "You too, Jennie."
"Everything's going to be fine," I said, willing my voice to sound more confident than I felt. The doctors had said that the surgery needed to happen as soon as possible, was 27 hours too late? She smiled weakly and nodded, wincing as she moved. I hissed through my teeth at the pain on her face, "Don't move, just keep still and they'll probably give you something for the pain."
She ignored my advice and tugged on my hand, making me step impossibly closer. "Our marriage isn't legal?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
I flicked my eyes to Linda. She was just watching us with her mouth open, silent tears falling down her face as she gripped at her shirt, just above her heart. All I could think was: selfish bitch. I gulped and looked back to Lisa, forcing a smile. "No baby, it's not. But on the upside, now we get to have another wedding night," I teased quietly, trying to bring a bit of normality to this whole horrifying ordeal.
She laughed a little before wincing again, squeezing her eyes shut, her jaw tight. "Pervert," she whispered through clenched teeth.
"Yeah, you know me." I nodded, fighting the tears that were making my eyes prickle.
When her jaw unclenched she looked around the room for the first time, they stopped at her parents and she forced a tight smile. Linda stepped up to the bed next to me, I went to step back so she could have more room to see her, but Lisa's hand tightened on mine not letting me move away from her.
"I'm so glad you're awake, Lisa. I've been so worried, we've all been so worried," she said, her voice hitching where she was crying so hard.
Lisa nodded, "Yeah, sorry." she smiled at Richard, "Hey dad."
I felt slightly awkward where I was pressed half against Linda, I couldn't even look at her, I was trapped between her and the wall and I just wanted to shove her far away from me. I could barely breathe with her so close to me, like I had suddenly developed claustrophobia or something.
"How are you feeling?" Linda asked, brushing her hand up and down Lisa's arm lightly.
She laughed humorlessly, "I just found out that there's a good chance I might not be able to walk again, how do you think I'm feeling?" she asked, closing her eyes and shaking her head as if that was a stupid question. I could feel her hand shaking in mine, the sweat on her palm was making her hand slightly slick against my skin. Her fingers found my wedding ring and she twirled it around my finger, absentmindedly.
Linda sucked in a deep breath and looked at her daughter, her heartbreak clear across her face, "I'm so sorry Lisa, we thought it was what's best for you. There was a chance you could die, we didn't want to send you in there with the odd's, that wasn't our decision to make, we don't get to play god with your life, that was your decision. I couldn't let Jennie sign the form," Linda said quietly, continuing her relentless stroking of Lisa's arm.
I swallowed the hatred I could feel trying to come out of me, I tried to keep in mind that she was just scared, that she hadn't purposefully tried to hurt Lisa, she thought she was doing what was best for Lisa. She just didn't realize that she couldn't see past her own feelings, her own pain, she didn't make that choice for Lisa at all, she made it for herself.
Lisa looked at her, confusion coloring her voice as she spoke. "What does that mean? Couldn't let Jennie sign the form, you…..you stopped her from sending me in for the operation?"
She glanced at Richard, her eyes filling with tears again as she nodded. "We thought it was best to get you well. It wasn't for us to make that decision with your life, Lisa," she said again.
Lisa groaned and shook her head, "Why? Why would you do that? You think I want this? You think I want to live like this?" she asked angrily, the steady beeps of the heart monitor speeding up slightly.
Lisa's parents and I, all looked at the little green line that was spiking faster and faster as her breathing started to get shallower again. "Calm down, Lisa," I said fiercely as I bumped Linda slightly, telling her to move as I leant over the bed more, stroking the side of Lisa's face trying to get her to calm down.
Her eyes met mine, "You wanted to send me in for it and my parents didn't let you?" she whispered, raising her hand weakly, the IV line obviously making it harder for her to move it. She gripped it loosely round the back of my head and pulled slightly so I moved my face up level to hers. "They didn't send me in there, and now there's a chance that I'm stuck like this?" she asked. I nodded, knowing I wouldn't be able to speak. I had no words for this, all I wanted to do was turn around and scratch Linda's eyes out. Lisa drew in a jagged breath, her eyes locked on mine. "Tell them to leave, Jennie," she ordered, her hand tightening in the back of my hair.
I gulped and turned my head to the side looking at Linda and Richard, they were hugging, both of them crying, Linda was literally trembling from head to toe. "Why don't you go wait outside or something," I suggested quietly, I knew they wouldn't want to leave and at least Lisa and I could talk privately about it.
"Not outside, go home," Lisa growled, her eyes still firmly fixed on me as if she couldn't even bring herself to look at them or something.
Richard cleared his throat awkwardly. "Lisa, we thought it was the best thing for you, we had no right to risk you like that," he said, looking between me and Lisa, a pleading expression on his face.
Lisa finally looked away from me; her gaze fell on her parents, her face hard and angry. "You think wasting time waiting for me to wake up was what's best for me?" she asked, looking at them in disbelief. "You should have let her sign the forms, you should have let her…." She trailed off, her voice breaking slightly.
"I'm so sorry," Richard whispered.
"Just get out. If I can still go in for the surgery then I'm going in for it. How could you not know that's what I would want?" Lisa asked weakly. Richard opened his mouth to answer but Lisa cut him off, "Just get the hell out!" She yelled, her heart rate spiking again.
I gasped and pulled away from Lisa slightly, I needed to get them to leave before she ended up even more sick from the stress of it all. "Just go, please?" I begged, flicking my eyes to the heart monitor, drawing their attention to the little number in the corner that was creeping higher and higher by the second.
Richard winced as he looked at it and then grabbed Linda's hand and practically dragged her from the room. I flinched as I could hear her wailing from outside the door. I turned back to look at Lisa, she was just laying there staring at the ceiling, her jaw tight, her eyes just focused on one spot as if it was telling her the secrets of life.
"Are you ok? Does it hurt?" I whispered, fussing with the sheets, not knowing what else to do or say.
"I'm ok. What happened, Jennie bear?" she asked, finally turning to look at me.
I closed my eyes, how was I going to explain all of this to her, how could I even look her in the eye knowing that this was all my fault? "GD, he….he grabbed a knife and he," my voice broke and her hand gripped mine, squeezing gently. "He stabbed you in the side first. The doctors said that you had a collapsed lung, but they've put some kind tube to fix it, they said it was ok now…."
She nodded, "He stabbed me in the back too," she said, it wasn't a question, it was a statement.
I nodded, looking at her apologetically. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Lisa. This is all my fault. Everything, this whole situation is my fault. You're hurt because of me," I whispered, trying desperately not to cry.
She smiled and shook her head, "No, Jennie bear. Don't do that, this isn't your fault, don't feel bad, ok?" she pulled me closer to her, so I bent over her bed and tucked my head in the side of her neck, breathing in her smell.
"I love you, Lisa, and everything's going to be fine, I promise." I kissed the skin on her neck just as the door opened and the doctor walked in with another man hot on his heels.
I pulled back and tried to take in everything that they were saying. Dr Kirk wanted to do the operation almost immediately, there was still about a forty percent chance that it would work, but they had to get in there and see before he would know how much the operation would actually help. The chances of Lisa dying were reduced too, her body had recovered slightly while she was in the coma so although there were still risks – as with any surgery – the risks were dramatically reduced.
I felt my body relax slightly when they said that and I let out a breath I didn't even realize I was holding. They were running through the procedure but I couldn't listen to that at all, all I let myself hear was that it was six hours long and that after the operation they would have to wait a little while to see how successful it was.
"So, do you want to go in for it?" Dr Kirk asked as he finished explaining everything to Lisa
Lisa looked at me before nodding, "Yeah, lets do it, I want to know I've tried everything."
The doctors all left to arrange everything for the operation and she was to go down as soon as there was a theater free. When we were on our own again, Lisa smiled weakly at me. "You look like hell, Jennie bear. Did you sleep?" she asked, tracing her finger under my eye.
I caught her hand and kissed her palm, pressing my face into it. "I'm fine, baby." I needed to tell her something, she needed to know this before she went in for the operation. I stood up so I was leaning over her, looking into her eyes so she knew I was serious. "Lisa, if you let yourself die in there I swear to god I'm going to bring you back to life again, just so I can kill you myself. You understand?" I said fiercely.
She laughed quietly. "Hmm, I definitely like masterful Jennie," she teased.
"Stop it Lisa, I'm serious. If I only ask one thing from you in my life, it's that you come back to me. I need you to promise me, promise me you'll survive this. I need to hear you say it and then I can stop worrying because you've never broken a promise to me before, so I have a lot of faith in your word." I gripped the front of the hospital gown she was wearing, I needed her to tell me that so much, my whole body was on edge waiting for it.
She smiled and nodded, her hand moving up to cup the side of my face. "I'll be fine, I promise," she whispered, her eyes locked on mine and held a fierce intensity that made my heart start to speed up.
I smiled and pressed my lips to hers again lightly for a couple of seconds before putting my forehead to hers, just enjoying being close to her.
Half an hour later they were ready for her to go down to theater. I held her hand as they walked her down the little corridor, her fingers gripping mine so tight that I was almost losing feeling in them, but somehow it still didn't feel tight enough. When we got to the door, they stopped pushing the bed and looked at me expectantly and I knew I wasn't allowed any further with her.
I could feel the panic starting to rise in my chest that Lisa was going to be out of my sight for so long. I looked at Dr Kirk, looking him over trying to see any doubt in his mind, to see if he was going to be able to save my baby and bring her back to me. He smiled and nodded reassuringly and I begged him with my eyes to keep Lisa alive, it felt like this man was holding my whole life in his hands, my hopes, my dreams, my whole future.
I looked back to Lisa, she smiled weakly but she was just as scared as I was. I took in a deep breath and pushed my shoulders back knowing I needed to show confidence, even if I didn't feel it. "I'll see you when you get out. Don't think you're getting out of marrying me again buster, you know I never liked the surname Kim so I'm sticking with Manoban. You make sure you hurry up and get better so we can go straight to the nearest church and get married again, you hear me?" I asked, raising one eyebrow trying to look stern.
She laughed quietly, "Whatever you say, Jennie bear."
I kissed her softly, savouring the feel of her lips and I prayed that this wasn't the last time I got to speak to her, that this wasn't the last kiss we ever had. "I love you," I said, brushing my hand down the side of her bruised face.
She smiled her beautiful smile and gripped the back of my head, pulling me closer to her as if she was going to whisper in my ear. With her other hand she gripped my chin and turned my head to the side. Before I even had a chance to work out what she was doing, she sucked on the side of my neck, hard. I giggled and she pushed me away slightly, a big smile on her face.
"Just marking my territory," she stated as I rubbed the freshly made hicky on my neck, trying to pretend I was angry but I couldn't keep the smile off of my face.
The doctor cleared his throat and I pulled back and stood up, smiling down at Lisa as they pushed the doors open and wheeled her bed down the corridor. Just as the doors were about to close, Lisa shouted me. "Jennie?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you more," she said fiercely. My heart throbbed and the doors to the corridor slammed shut leaving me on my own, staring at the place where I last saw the love of my life. I couldn't stay strong anymore, I sank to my knees and sobbed into the floor.
The six hours were like physical pain, I felt like I was sitting balanced on the edge of a cliff, one wrong move and I would go tumbling over into a living hell. My parents and Lisa's were sitting in the waiting room with me, no one really said anything and I was grateful that I didn't have to put on some sort of act for them. I just didn't have the energy anymore, I was so tired that my head was throbbing, my eyes were stinging. While everyone else dozed in their chairs, I kept my eyes locked on the doors where she would come out of, willing the minutes to pass quicker.
Just after ten pm the doctor walked out of the door, his eyes locked first on Linda and then on me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, this was it, his next couple of words would shape the rest of my life, either Lisa survived the surgery or she didn't. At this point I couldn't bring myself to care about if the operation had worked, all I needed was Lisa by my side, however she came I didn't mind, just as long as I still had her.
The doctor walked up to our group, everyone else jumped out of their chairs but I couldn't, if I stood up now I would fall to the floor, I could feel it. The doctor smiled and nodded, "It went very well. She's in recovery right now, there's a lot of swelling so we won't know how successful it was until that's gone down, but the early indications are that there's a good chance of success," he said.
Richard grabbed Linda into a hug, Brian slapped the doctor on the shoulder laughing and my mom looked at me, grinning from ear to ear. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, my tired, aching muscles relaxing slightly. "She's ok?" I croaked. My heart was racing in my chest, my whole body was tingling slightly, it was over, Lisa was alive. We had a little while to wait to see if it had worked but she was alive and that was all that mattered to me.
"She's ok," Dr Kirk confirmed. "She's strong, she'll be out of it for a little while until the anesthetic leaves her body, maybe an hour or two. When she wakes up it's best to keep her as calm as possible. The surgery was very invasive, she needs to relax and let her body recover. Tomorrow we'll run some tests and see how successful it was."
I gripped the arms of the chair and pushed myself up, immediately being grabbed into a hug by my mom. "But you think it went well? The surgery I mean?" I asked hopefully.
He nodded, "It went without a hitch, we just need to see how her body reacts to the repair now. I'd better go, they'll bring her out soon and move her back to her room."
"Thank you, thank you so much," I whispered, looking at him gratefully. How would I ever repay this man that has hopefully saved my baby from a life that she'll be miserable in?
"You're welcome Mrs Manoban," he said smiling, before walking away towards the nurses station.
I laughed at the name, at least he was acknowledging our marriage. I gripped my wedding ring tight in my hand and turned to Linda and Richard. I needed to get this sorted out before Lisa woke up, I needed to keep her calm and seeing her parents wouldn't really do that at the moment.
"I think it's best that you just stay away for a little while. I'll talk to Lisa tomorrow, but the doctor said she needed to rest. I don't want her upset again, so just let me talk to her before you see her, ok?" I asked, praying I wouldn't have another fight on my hands about this, I really didn't have the energy for that right now.
Richard nodded, "Yeah. Thank you, Jennie. We were only trying to do what's best for her. I hope in time she sees that."
I didn't really know what to say about that, they were doing what was best for them, not Lisa, but again, I couldn't get into that argument with them right now. "I'll talk to her, maybe you should go home. I'll call you if there's any changes," I said, rubbing and my temples trying to relieve the pounding in my head. I hadn't slept for over 38 hours and wow did I feel it kicking in now.
Linda pushed herself away from Richard and wrapped me in a hug, but I couldn't hug her back. The best she could expect from me was that I didn't push her away, in my eyes that was more than she deserved. "I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you, she wanted the surgery, I should have listened." she wailed, her fingers digging in my back where she was hugging me so tightly.
I nodded, "Yeah," I confirmed. I swallowed my angry retort, I'd already said my piece to her, they would both probably suffer the consequences of it now, Lisa really knew how to hold a grudge when she wanted to. There was a good chance that she wouldn't want to see her parents again, I guess I was the only chance they had right now and to be honest I didn't feel very charitable towards them at that precise moment. "You should go home before she comes out."
Finally, after what felt like forever, they wheeled Lisa out of the operating suites and back into the same room she was in before. She had even more tubes and wires sticking out of her this time, her face pale but yet strangely peaceful as she lay in the bed. My parents weren't allowed into her room because visiting hours were over, so I pulled the chair up by the side of the bed again and held her hand.
When she finally groaned and opened her eyes I smiled and leant over to her. "Hi, thanks for not breaking your promise," I whispered, looking at her gratefully. She smiled weakly, pulling the little oxygen mask off of her face. She tried to speak but all that came out was a croaking sound, probably from the tubes she'd had down her throat from the surgery. "Shh baby, everything went good they said. You just need to relax and rest, and tomorrow they'll run some tests to see how it went. Just get some sleep for me, ok? I'll be right here all night," I said, squeezing her hand as I kissed her forehead.
She smiled and closed her eyes, I don't think she really had a choice, she looked exhausted. "You sleep too, Jennie bear," she croaked, her voice barely above a whisper.
I smiled and nodded, "I will baby, I'll see you in the morning." I kissed her hand and rested my chin on the side of her bed, I felt sleep coming to take me and I couldn't fight it anymore. Tomorrow was going to be another long day, either everything would go as planned, or it wouldn't. Either way, we had a lot of work to do to get Lisa over this, this was far from over for either of us.