Important author's note at the end. xo

Chapter 29

Ana

My eyelids feel like they weigh ten pounds each as I slowly blink them open the next morning. Judging by the pulsing in my head, I was either drinking last night or I was hit by a truck.

I sit up and see the glass of water and note on the bedside table. I drain the glass, relieving my dry throat, then rub my eyes and pick up the note.

Ana,

I hope you slept well. I arranged it with Grace that I'll pick up the kids and bring them over when they're ready, so don't worry about getting up. Take it easy, you deserve it. I miss you already. x

‒ C

I smile. Well, look at that, I'm twenty-seven years old with butterflies in my stomach. I flip back through the timeline of the previous evening: Ezra throwing me a surprise party with a million people who worked on the album, me guzzling champagne all evening, Mia apparently inviting Christian, Christian showing up, me making out with Christian, Christian putting me to bed, me immediately falling asleep. What a totally normal evening in the typical separated couple's life.

I flop back onto the covers and throw an arm over my eyes. Was that champagne, or some forget-all-rationality-and-make-out-with-your-admittedly-untrustworthy-but-still-devastatingly-hot-husband potion?

I recall telling him last night that I doubted I would regret it, and that's proving to be true in the light of day, but that doesn't make it less confusing. The last thing I was expecting on a random weeknight was for Christian to just casually drop by when I was in the middle of having a breakdown, say all the right things, and end up sleeping like sardines in a tin together with our son. The second to last thing I was expecting this week was for Christian to willingly appear at a party, be totally supportive and encouraging, and then put me to bed without staying over, just to help me out.

I hear my phone buzz on the nightstand and sit up again to check it. I have a string of texts.

6:58

Dad: Heard them talking about you on the news this morning! All good things. Proud of you.

8:04

Mia: Hey sleepyhead! You're already #1 on Apple Music! Congratulations, so proud of you!

8:06

Ezra: Just popping in to say I told you so. You're brilliant. Congratulations.

8:10

Kate: Have you seen Spotify? You already have millions of plays!

8:32

Kate: HOLY SHIT YOU'RE ON HARRY STYLES INSTAGRAM STORY HE'S LISTENING TO YOU I'M DEAD

8:40

Grace: Congratulations, my dear! You're already a huge success. We are so excited to have you for the gala next week and so proud of you!

9:06

Mom: Ana, please call me back. I'm sorry if you were offended by what I said. I've heard your song and I'm very impressed! The media is too. Call me.

I smile and feel tears pool in my eyes as I scroll, until I reach the last message. Yeah, not happening.

I get up and go downstairs in search of sustenance and coffee, but I'm stopped in my tracks the second I get to the bottom of the stairs. A mass of color and a heavenly smell catches my attention in the great room, and I find five massive bouquets of roses, irises, and heather. There's a card hanging from the one in the center.

Anastasia,

All of these symbolize congratulations and admiration. I am endlessly in awe of you.

Christian

A teardrop lands on the creamy white card. I can't honestly say I was expecting him to be this… happy for me. He's always been passively supportive of what I want, but it's no secret that he doesn't love other people looking at me. Right now… it seems like people are looking.

Dare I hope?

God knows if this will last, but right now, I'm not afraid to admit to myself that I fervently hope it does.

As I make my way to the kitchen, my phone starts to buzz in my hand. I see that it's my agent, Beth. God, that's weird. "Hello?"

"Good morning, superstar! My phone has been blowing up all morning with interview requests for you."

And I haven't even had coffee. I doubt Beth has either. She's very small, blonde, and energetic. I secretly compare her in my mind to a Pomeranian and I doubt she needs caffeine. "Are you serious?"

"As the plague! I have a plan, but I wanted to check with you."

"I'm listening." I walk into the kitchen and see Gail waiting at the counter. She gives me a smile and a wave.

"I say we do the talk show rounds in LA for a day, then New York, then a couple of phone and radio things on your own time. It would be Thursday and Friday filming, then the other stuff earlier in the week."

"I'm not sure I can just drop everything and leave town for a couple of days. I don't want to leave my kids. I'll see if their dad can take care of them, or if I can bring them with me, and get back to you?"

"Ah, motherhood. Yes, call me as soon as you know! My answering machine is going to fill up. You're in demand, baby."

I roll my eyes. "Bye, Beth."

"Toodles!"

Gail and I both laugh at her choice of goodbye. "Good morning, Ana. What sounds good?"

"Yogurt, granola, and fruit. And coffee, preferably in an IV."

"Ah, yes, let me go check my stockpile of medical supplies." She slides me a cup. "So… that's quite a display I had to oversee the arrangement of this morning."

I take a long sip. "Yep."

"I wonder who has the kind of money for a gift like that, and who would be so inclined to order it for you. Know anyone?"

"Maybe someone who's trying to be allowed to move back in." We both giggle. "Honestly… I'm shocked at how supportive he's been. He came to the party last night and was completely pleasant and not territorial and jealous at all."

Gail raises her eyebrows. "Well, it sounds like some personal growth is happening. That's good, isn't it?"

"Yeah… it's good. A little scary, but good."

She slides my breakfast over to me and I tuck in immediately. "I hope I'm not overstepping by saying this, but… I don't pretend to know what the last year was about, but if there's one thing I've learned in all these years of working for him, it's that things are rarely what they seem when it comes to him. I just can't imagine there's any way he doesn't still love you. There must be more to this."

I take a deep breath and pick at my yogurt. "I guess we'll find out. I agreed to try couples counseling."

"Oh, Ana, that's wonderful. I hope it can bring you some closure, at the very least."

"Me too." I smile. "Thanks for everything. You know, always being here to listen."

She leans over and pats my hand. "My pleasure, sweetheart."

I hear a commotion outside, car doors and my children's voices. Gail gives me a wink and makes herself scarce. I stay at the counter and finish my breakfast.

"Mommy! Mommy! Are you here?" I hear Teddy yell as soon as the door opens.

"Teddy, we have to be quiet! Mommy might still be sleeping," Christian scolds.

"In the kitchen!" I call. I hear the pitter-patter of urgent little feet and Teddy comes bounding into the room, with Phoebe toddling behind him. I slide of my stool just in time to catch them both in hugs. "Good morning! How was Grandma's?"

"It was the best! We made brownies and watched Frozen and Grandpa started snoring during the movie and Grandma smacked him and it was really funny."

I giggle. "Sounds really funny." I pick up Phoebe, who is clinging to me like a spider monkey. "What about you, princess? Did you have fun?" She beams brightly and nods.

I look up to see Christian loitering in the doorway. I give him a smile. "Good morning."

"Good morning. Did you, uh… did you come straight here when you came down, or…?"

Oh, God help us, nervous Christian is adorable. "You mean did I see the botanical garden in our living room? Well, technically, I smelled it before I saw it, but yes, I am aware of it." I walk over and give him a light peck on the cheek. "Thank you. They're wonderful."

He smiles shyly. "I'm glad you like them."

"Mommy, can we play outside?" Teddy asks.

"Yes, just one second, okay?" I turn to Christian again. "Can you stay a minute? I have to run something by you."

His face immediately lights up. "Of course I can."

"Mommy, let's go!" Teddy continues to whine.

"Okay, why don't you take him, and I'll be right out?"

"I'm on it," he whispers conspiratorially. "Come on, Teddy, let's move."

"Daddy's staying?" he shrieks in delight.

"For a little while!" I confirm.

I tidy up my breakfast one-handed, the other holding Phoebe, and meet them outside in a few minutes. Teddy is chasing a ball around and kicking it into a little goal he set up while Christian supervises with amusement. No surprise there, I could have predicted when I was pregnant with him that he'd be a soccer star.

I take a seat on the stairs leading to the meadow next to Christian, Phoebe settling into my lap and playing with my hair. "You want to go play with your brother?"

She looks up at me with her wide grey eyes and puts her arms around my neck. "No. You."

"Okay, just checking." I kiss her little curls. I look over at Christian and he's gazing at us with a tender smile.

"You've always been such a natural with them," he says wistfully.

It hasn't always felt like that… I stifle a shudder and put my dark thoughts aside. "You are, too. Even when you thought you wouldn't be. Anyway, I got a call this morning. They want me to go to LA and New York for a couple days next week to do some talk shows. I said I'd have to check if I can take the kids, or if you can keep them. What do you think?"

He brushes one of Phoebe's curls out of her face. "Ros just called this morning and informed me that she double-booked herself and needs me to go to a global environmental conference in Amsterdam."

"Oh. When?"

"Thursday into Friday. I would be traveling Wednesday night and Friday night."

"I'm supposed to film on Thursday and Friday, so I can just take them with me then. You can take them on Saturday while I get ready for the gala?"

He nods. "Grace already claimed them for Saturday night after the gala. She wanted me to ask if you'd stay overnight as well?"

"That should probably be fine… um, I think we should have separate bedrooms this time, though." I feel my cheeks heat up.

He looks crestfallen at my words for just an instant, then smirks. "You don't think we can be trusted to behave?"

"Not after last night," I mutter. He smirks again, more boyishly triumphant this time.

We continue to chat lightly as we watch our son play. The longer we sit together, the more a dangerous hope swells in my chest. On some level, maybe one I can't even bear to consider, I know that any chance I had of protecting myself from my feelings for him has been demolished, and deep down, there's an ominous fear that my strength won't be there when I need it.

This week has been an absolute whirlwind. I feel like I've barely had a chance to breathe. At the end of each day, I'm somehow both dog-tired and too wired to sleep. I did a slew of phone and radio interviews at the beginning of the week, then we flew to LA, where I got scared by Ellen and did a photoshoot for The Hollywood Reporter. We rounded out the week with a trip of New York, where I played Box of Lies with Jimmy Fallon and am now in talks to be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.

Throughout all of it, Christian and I have been keeping in touch. We text and email throughout the day, and even have had a few phone calls before I went to bed at night. Our communication has been spotty for the last few days, given the time difference and our packed schedules, but I have to admit it's been nice to hear from him more. I can't pretend I'm indifferent to it.

Finally, it's Friday evening and the kids and I are at Christian's penthouse in New York. Our penthouse, I mentally correct myself, as he always does. Christian has the jet tonight, so we decided not to try to sleep on a scheduled fight and just have the jet sent to us early in the morning instead. Teddy has only been here a few times and Phoebe never has, so since they're not comfortable here, they're sleeping in the big bed with me.

I check them one more time, curled up on their side already sound asleep, and head off towards the kitchen to have a cup of tea. I sit at the counter and check my phone. I texted Christian earlier, but he hasn't responded. Since it's about 3 AM his time now, I don't think much of it. While I wait for the tea to cool, I lay my head on the cool countertop and close my eyes.

I wake to a persistent buzzing next to my head. I jolt upwards, my entire body stiff, as sleeping on a barstool is bound to make one. It's nearly 1 AM and I have a string of texts from Kate.

12:45

Kate: Fuck. I hate that this keeps happening to you. Call me before you look at the news, just trust me.

12:48

Kate: You don't have to do the gala anymore, you know that right?

12:54

Kate: Just know that I'm here for whatever you need. He's a lying piece of shit.

My heart drops into my stomach and I immediately feel queasy. My fingers move of their own accord and I quickly Google Christian's name.

Christian Grey Caught in Steamy Makeout Session in Amsterdam with Mystery Woman: See Video

Where Did They Go Wrong? Inside the Reported Split and Suspected New Flames of Christian and Anastasia Grey

Anastasia Steele (Grey) Embraces New Success While Husband Christian Grey Embraces New Woman

I click the first link and immediately a security footage video starts playing. It's unmistakably Christian, his face clearly visible on camera. He leads a woman down a hallway and stops outside a hotel room, pushes her against the wall, and starts passionately kissing her.

I drop the phone on the countertop like it's on fire and bolt to the sink, depositing whatever was in my stomach into it. My entire body is shaking. No. No. No. We were doing better. This can't be happening.

My phone starts buzzing again. I look over at it and see Christian's name lighting up the screen. I decline the call and block his number. There's no numbness to be found anymore, but even through the undiluted despair coursing through me, I know there's no chance I can forgive and forget infidelity. No, this is the one thing that can't possibly be explained away.

I have no idea how long I just stand at the counter, trying to catch my breath, before I hear a clearing throat. Sawyer stands on the other side, looking embarrassed. "Ana, Mr. Grey says he needs to speak with you. He wouldn't take no for an answer."

He really wants to do this now? Fine. I hold out my hand for the phone and wait to speak until Sawyer has left the room. "Christian."

"Ana! Oh, baby, did I wake you?"

"No."

There's a beat of silence. "Ana, I know exactly what it looks like, but please listen. That video is fake. I was never with anyone. I don't know how they fucking did it but I swear to you, that is not me. I know how fucking insane this sounds but you have to believe me, Ana, I can't lose you over this. I could never cheat on you. Please believe me. I'll get to the bottom of this, and I know how unbelievable this sounds, but it's the truth, I swear."

I squeeze my eyes shut and feel tears roll down both of my cheeks. There's video footage and he's still lying through his teeth. There's no hope. When I speak, my voice sounds surprisingly calm. "What was the point, Christian?"

"Ana… what do you mean?"

"Of acting like you wanted to fix our marriage. As soon as things look like they might actually be okay between us, you turn around and do this? In public, no less? Why? Was it the money? I was never going to take your fortune. I don't care about that. All I wanted from you was you." My voice breaks on the last word. "So, what was the point? I gave you an out and you refused to take it. Did you want to be the one who ended it? To keep your pride intact? Did you want time to come up with a plan to talk to lawyers and leave me with nothing? I just don't understand. I never dreamed you could be so calculating."

I hear a sob. "Ana, please, I'm begging you. This isn't real. We're real. Everything I've said to you since you've asked for the separation was the truth. The only thing that was ever a lie was when I was shutting you out. Please, I'll explain everything in counseling, you just have to believe me."

"There's no need for counseling. We won't get back together. From now on, I only want to see you if it's in regards to the kids or some other family reason. You…" A sob escapes me. "You can't lie to me anymore. I can't have even a platonic relationship with you if you can lie this easily. There's a fucking video, Christian. The jig is up. When I get back to Seattle, I'm filing for divorce. Just leave me the fuck alone. Let me get on with my life."

"Ana!"

I can't bear to hear his crocodile tears anymore, so I hang up. I leave the phone on the table and head back towards the bedroom. I only make it as far as the hallway before I curl into a ball and let the tears come.

"Ana." A gentle shake.

"No," I whisper.

"Ana, please."

My eyes are nearly pasted shut from the residue of my tears. I wipe the crustiness away from them and open them to see Sawyer. He's leaning over me with a worried expression on his face. I sit up and my stiff back protests. I look around and I'm still in the hallway. I apparently cried myself to sleep in this very spot.

My stomach rolls again as the reason for my abnormal sleeping position comes back to me. Another sob escapes me, and I cover my mouth. As if out of instinct, Sawyer pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back. "You know?" I ask.

"Yes," he says grimly.

"Keep him away from me. Please," I whisper. "It's the last thing I'll ever ask you to do for me."

I feel him nod against my shoulder. "Can you get up?"

He slowly helps me to my feet. "Your kids are still asleep. We have to get on the plane soon." I nod. Reality awaits. There's nowhere to hide. "What are you doing about tonight? Your agent has been calling."

The gala. I massage my temples, trying to dispel the splitting headache. "If I pull out, everyone will know why. If I don't, everyone will stare at me."

"They'll stare… but probably in awe." I look up at him. He looks sincere. "Pardon my French, but you're fucking good, Ana. I'm behind whatever you decide, we all are, but I believe you could do it."

I take a deep breath. It feels like my lungs are shaking from the inside out. Listen. If you don't do this, you're sacrificing yourself. If you run and hide, your heart will still be broken. Nothing will have changed. You'll have just disappointed yourself.

I run my hands through my hair and clear my throat. "No. I'll do it. We'll leave in an hour."

A/N: I know some of you will be VERY upset with me, but remember my author's note last time. And remember that we can hear his thoughts. We know the truth, Christian is NOT being manipulative. Something else is going on. I promised that this is not a cheating story, and it still is not. But Ana doesn't know that. All she knows is that just when she started to thaw out a little, her heart got broken again. There will be explanations coming for how that video exists, I promise. I'd love to know your theories!

I also wanted your opinion: should this be one story, or should I divide it into multiple parts? I feel like we're reaching a point where I could begin a second "volume" of this, or I could continue this as just one story that will likely be longish. Let me know your thoughts.

They love each other, but even in the original books, nothing is really ever a straight line with them. Like I said, explanations are coming. Stay with me.